Chapter 17 Spring water: 1-5

 You once told me that the poet Auden said, "Let us love each other, or we shall perish." I wanted to say that aloud to everyone in the cabin, to the weary businessmen and preoccupied officials , to those who believe that power is more powerful and worthwhile than love. I boarded the plane back.This was one of the most special trips I've had on numerous trips, and one that gave me "sadness and joy". This time, after staying in Beijing for a week, I seemed to have lived my whole life, and it seemed that I only blinked my eyes once.Every second of these seven days is like a picture frozen in my heart, which makes me endlessly memorable.

Seven days are better than seven years. I literally lived with my lover for a week.During these seven days, we have been with each other every moment, and we are inseparable.He was within reach of me for a hug, and I took his hand, holding it so tightly that his hand showed red marks.I am afraid that he will leave me suddenly, so can I return to my old loneliness in peace? While in the room, I could hear my lover's soft breathing.Then, I fell asleep to the sound of my lover's breathing. He writes, and I read; he goes to the library, and I follow.Peking University's library is bigger than I imagined.Facing this vast sea of ​​books is like facing the brilliant stars in the sky, how small a person seems.He pointed to a seat and told me that it was the seat where he usually sat, where he read books, wrote papers, and even wrote love letters to me.That seat is in the southeast corner of the reading room, with plenty of sunlight in the morning.So, I also sat there reading, my face bathed in the sun.As I read, I imagined triumphantly how he wrote to me here in those days.Thinking about it, my face is filled with a happy smile.That was perhaps my most beautiful moment.I proudly thought that if Da Vinci saw my smile at this moment, he would not be able to help leaving a stroke on the canvas.My smile will be more mysterious than Mona Lisa's.Children and grandchildren will rack their brains to ask: Why did she burst into such a pure smile?

We came back late after playing outside, so we cooked noodles together.The most common tomato egg noodles.However, he still wants to put a spoonful of chili in it.We each have a big bowl, like eating delicacies from mountains and seas.I remembered the military training life he once wrote in a letter. At that time, he and his comrades also regarded a bowl of noodles as the greatest happiness in life.In fact, people are very easy to be satisfied. There was no washing machine at home, so I soaked both of our clothes in the washbasin.First time I've done so much laundry, first time doing laundry for boys - besides my brother.While I was washing clothes, I couldn't help humming a song, and the happiness from the heart couldn't be concealed.

When I hung the clothes on the balcony one by one, it seemed that I had done a great career, and I was more happy than signing a million-dollar contract. He suddenly stretched out his hand from behind me and hugged me so tightly that I could hardly breathe.I screamed on purpose, and the crisp sound was like broken glass, flying in the sun.And he gently kissed the sweat off my forehead. The morning sun shone through the clothes on the drying rack, I breathed in the scent of chrysanthemums, closed my eyes, and snuggled into his arms.I kissed his Adam's apple lightly, he was tickled by me, and he laughed loudly.

Then, he kissed my forehead, my face and my lips.I tried to dodge at first, but I quickly gave up and kissed him even faster. If time stopped at this moment, I would pay Faust's price. He is a standard good man.He does not smoke or drink, and his life is very regular, which is really rare among young people who are engaged in writing.Unlike his fierce and sharp writing style, he is very gentle and restrained in his daily life.He took good care of me, from eating to dressing.He is a natural good husband. Even if he is not a writer who writes a thousand words, or a thinker who challenges evil, the various advantages in him will make me belong from the heart.

When we said goodbye at the airport, I walked into the aisle of the station and waved goodbye to him. As soon as his figure disappeared from my sight, tears welled up in my eyes.I found that I loved him so much - I wanted to keep the feeling of being in his arms all the time. He is like a ball of fire, melting my thousand-year-old ice. Only then did I know what is meant by "difficult to say goodbye when we meet". I promised him that within this year, I will go to Beijing to start a new life with him. I am writing this diary on the plane.My heart is so chaotic, it has never been so chaotic, I don't know what to write.I closed my diary and started writing him a letter.I wanted so much to write to him, even though we had only been separated for less than an hour.

I was like someone who was drowning in the water, I took him as a life-saving straw - I had to be with him all the time. Tingsheng, my dear: I am writing to you on the plane - I wanted to write to you as soon as I got on the plane.Because there is no way to call you on the plane, I can't help but want to chat with a pen.I was so engrossed in the conversation that I forgot I was still on the plane, and I forgot to have a drink or a snack.I buried my head in writing, writing. I sandwiched the letter paper in a beautiful civil aviation pictorial, which happened to have a group of photos of beautiful courtyard houses in Beijing.Siheyuan was originally the residence of ordinary people, but in today's Beijing where land prices are soaring, it has become the residence of "distinguished people", and developers often ask for millions of dollars.People who have just grown up, in order to show their culture, the first step is to "retro".

In the past, I would have envied the people who lived in it - please forgive the little girl for her little vanity.I would think how nice it would be if I lived in it and had a big yard and a big tree.Now, I don't envy them anymore, because with you, I have everything, and I don't need anything else.Although we do not have the grand "Pingshan Hall" of Ouyang Xiu and Su Dongpo, we have our own Daoxiang Garden and our own Herb Mountain. When we parted, you changed your usual shyness and kissed me in full view. In the face of this sudden love, we are all a little bit overjoyed.Love comes so fast, we are not fully prepared.Cupid has always engaged in "surprise attacks", his arrows are shot suddenly, without the consent of the person concerned.

These days, we walked round and round by the Weiming Lake. You probably want to completely reverse the loneliness of these years and make the lake and tower shadows envy us to death. It is the season of willows by the lake.At night, we hugged each other on the stone boat. I like this simple and smooth stone boat. The stone boat in the Summer Palace is too luxurious and does not meet my aesthetics.We sat on the smooth slate, and the moonlight poured down like water. I sing softly in your ear.I want to sing you all the songs I can sing, and I want to tell you all the lives I've lived. You once told me that the poet Auden said, "Let us love each other, or we shall perish." I wished to have said that aloud to everyone in the plane, to the weary businessmen and preoccupied officials , to those who believe that power is more powerful and worthwhile than love.Their troubles, their sorrows, are all because they don't know it, or they don't implement it in their lives.They have power, money, houses and cars, but without love, they still have nothing.

I think of the boss of our company.He is an authentic Hong Kong businessman with a doctorate from Harvard University.Even in Hong Kong, his assets are said to be among the best.There are hotels, newspapers, TV stations, huge factories and ports under his name... They are distributed in the mainland, Southeast Asia, Europe and the United States.He spends half of the year flying around the world.He traveled all over the world to look after and manage the property of countless people, which only he knew. He is as rich as an enemy, and he responds to everything.But is he really happy?He is not happy.

His wife is a strong woman who is as powerful as he is.The relationship between them is not so much a husband and wife, but a business partner.They started from scratch together and started a business with difficulty - at that time, there may have been a period of loving each other. But, when the moment of success comes, they both don't love each other anymore.They are businesslike and fierce in high-level meetings, taking pride in subduing or overwhelming each other.They occupy equal positions in the company, and in their eyes, "position" is more important than people. In other public occasions, they will join hands and make a gesture of respect.In private life, they each have their own lovers, and they are tacit to each other, and most of the senior staff in the company know a little bit of clues. They won't leave each other.Because, once they break up, the company's stock is likely to fall sharply.Obviously, the reason why they are still together and maintain this loveless marriage is just to maintain their golden mountain of wealth. Am I envious of them?No, I pity them. Once, the boss came to talk to me, he said he thinks highly of me, encourages me to work hard, and he will give me a chance to be promoted.The highest decision-making layer of the company is on the 16th floor, and my office is on the 10th floor. The boss said to me: "If you work hard, you will hopefully be promoted to the 16th floor within a few years. One floor. When you go up here, you will find that the scenery below will take on a new look. I believe that after you go up, you will never want to go down again." I have always played the role of a "dumpling monk" in the company.I dare to say something against and even irony in front of the bosses and general managers.This role is a bit like the great musician Shostakovich who pretended to be crazy in front of Stalin and told the truth.Why didn't Stalin kill Shostakovich?I think, in front of a large group of sycophants and obsequious subordinates, these powerful people also need the reminder and ridicule of the "deviant monk", just like a cow needs a gadfly. At that time, after hearing the boss's "speaking earnestly and sincerely", I immediately retorted: "I just want to do my job well. I don't want to be promoted at all, and I don't want to be a strong woman. I like to see the scenery on the tenth floor. There are ten floors on the tenth floor." freedom. If I get to the sixteenth floor, my sight will certainly be wider, but maybe I won’t even have the time to look at the scenery. I have never had high expectations for life, so I have always lived happily. And I believe that, I'm happier than you." The boss' face changed after hearing what I said.He pondered for a long time, but couldn't think of a word to answer. In my words, there must be something that moved him and stung him. My heart is pure, and no temptation will disturb my mind.I would like to live a happy, simple and innocent life. After all, there are still some people in the world who do not love power. For example, Linghu Chong and Ren Yingying in the movie, they don't understand those people who fight for power and profit in the arena, are "head" and "leader" really that important?In front of love, peerless martial arts are as light as a feather. Another example is the naive Princess Sissi, who only loves freedom and not the crown.The innocent Sissi said to her young husband, the emperor of the most powerful Austro-Hungarian Empire in Europe: "If you were not the emperor, we would be happier!" Another example is you and me - we are both willing to be "sandan people in Wollongong".What Zhuge Kongming said is false, we are the real ones. You once told me that there are two completely different types of people in Peking University. Those so-called "excellent students" who dream of "studying well will become an official", "wake up and take power in the world, and lie drunk by the beauty's side" usually successfully enter the national ministries, banks and large companies after graduation.They are proud of their spring breeze, but they have never enjoyed the freedom of mind. And the small number of aliens who longed to ride the wind and dew and communicate with the world alone went to schools, even to the frontiers and temples.They may be poor, but they realize the true meaning of life in the dialogue with Chunhuaqiuyue. The basic attitudes of these two kinds of people towards life determine their respective plans for the future and also determine their future life paths.They constitute the two poles of Peking University, and neither is possible without the other. Obviously, you belong to the latter.You are so interesting, you have studied for more than ten years, from kindergarten to graduate school, but you have never served as a "student cadre".No wonder some of your classmates say that you are a "leisure cloud wild crane, an expert in the world".A bit sarcastic, but you totally deserve it.I think, for you, whether you are a "superior" is the second, but "leisure" is true. Behind "leisure" means freedom and independence. "Leisure" means giving up, giving up those greed and desires that shouldn't be there; "leisure" also means sticking to, sticking to those values ​​and principles that cannot be compromised. The Bible says: If a person does not have something, but thinks he has it, he is deceiving himself. ("Galatians 6:3") I know exactly what I should have and what I shouldn't have; what I need and what I don't.The heart is like a mirror. Don't ask for things that I shouldn't have and don't need, and those things that I should have and need will naturally enter my life.Just like you, like a miracle, suddenly appeared in my life, without deliberate arrangement or deliberate plan. Dear Tingsheng, we are happy.Your little Daoxiangyuan room is the paradise in my dreams.I will rush to build this little bird's nest with you, and let us, like two little birds, fetch hay piece by piece from afar.These hay will help us beat the cold winter. We have a vanilla mountain of our own. love you little xuaner May 7, 2000 Dear Xiao Xuaner: Sending you away again.I ran out of the airport hall, looking for a corner where I could watch the plane take off.However, there are too many planes at the Capital Airport, and I watched them take off one after another without knowing which one you were sitting on. Last time, it took you to the gate of the hotel; this time, it took you to the entrance of the airport. Last time, when I was saying goodbye, I didn't even dare to hold your hand; this time, I boldly hugged and kissed you in front of everyone. Last time, I met a strange girl out of curiosity; this time, I made sure of my wife who will accompany me for life. Last time, we met and met by chance; this time, we have merged into the closest couple. In fact, we have only been together for a few days, but it seems that we have lived a lifetime, and we have even become an "old husband and wife".We have already started planning our future family and discussing the price of oil, salt, firewood and rice. Every trivial link is infused with romantic colors; every future time is full of happy imagination. We began to discuss in detail, after you come, immediately add a small refrigerator, a microwave oven, and a rice cooker at home, and we must live our "little life" in an orderly manner.This shows that we have entered the most substantial stage of love. Without passing through any waves, the creek flowed calmly into the sea. Xuan, my love, I saw you again in my dream last night.I dreamed that we were talking on a boat on the Slender West Lake.The one who punted the boat was the boat lady described by Yu Dafu.I dreamed that we ate Yangzhou lion head together.That's what your grandmother cooked for us.We played in the shaded yard of your old home.Suddenly, we all became children, holding hands and carrying schoolbags to school together.You rushed to answer the questions that no one else could answer in class, and you always got more praise from the teacher than me, and I was a little jealous. I dreamed all night, and dreamed about the few days we were together in Beijing.In the dream, I revisited every detail of our time together in the past few days. We kissed together on the secluded grass of the Summer Palace, and we climbed up to the grand stage of Prince Kung’s Mansion to dance a few waltzes together. Let's go to the supermarket together and buy all kinds of food that children love to eat.In the clean and tidy supermarket, you held my hand tightly with one hand, and pointed at the shelves of goods with the other hand.We are like a young couple who have started to have a small life. I am also a person who likes to eat snacks. If you like plums, almonds, and beef jerky, I also like to eat them.This trivial and materialized life is also a part of our life.We all like to go to the supermarket. The supermarket is the most commonplace and the most real place. It tests one's tentacles of daily life. In the supermarket, we often find a new snack or two out of the blue, and we are as ecstatic as Columbus discovering a new world.What I want to live is not just a platonic, purely spiritual love.I think the moment when we share a bag of plums is also the most beautiful and gorgeous moment of love. The day before you left, we went to the former residence of Soong Ching Ling by the Shicha seaside, which used to be the home of Nalan Xingde, a great poet in the Qing Dynasty.We hoped to find some relics about Nalan, but apart from a small stele, nothing remained.But his painful love and unfortunate early death aroused our sadness. Nalan Xingde's wife, Lu Shi, died early. He was sad all day long and even physically and mentally haggard. Soon he also passed away with his wife.On the wall of the corridor, we saw "Butterfly Love Flower" transcribed by the calligrapher.That is the best poem by Nalan. Its sincerity and poignancy can be compared with "Ten Years of Life and Death" in Su Dongpo's "Jiangchengzi"-- The hard work is the most pity for the sky and the moon, the past is like a ring, and the past and the past are like a ring.If the moon is finally bright and clean, I will not hesitate to treat ice and snow as love. It's easy to end without that fate, the swallow is still there, and said softly stepping on the curtain hook.After singing, the sorrows of autumn graves have not stopped, and Chun Cong recognizes the amphibious butterflies. There are no tourists in that small garden.We lingered all day.Others thought we were here to see Soong Ching Ling's relics, but who knew we were here to mourn poor Nalan. I also dreamed that in our cabin I called your name over and over and reached out to hug you.You curl up on my chest like a kitten.At first, your skin is cold, I slowly warm it.I am fire, you are ice, and fire can melt ice.Gradually, our bodies became as hot as fire.You turned your body sideways, with your back to me, flipping through the photos of me when I was a child.There is a small rouge mole on your satin-smooth back.I lick it gently with the tip of my tongue.Because of the itching, your snow-white shoulders moved slightly. I dreamed that you were wearing a pink shirt and a long white skirt, which was the style of "lady's house".Like a high school student.Your long hair has grown to your waist, and the wind blows slowly, blowing it onto my face.There is an elegant fragrance of osmanthus in the hair.You seem to be slowly drifting away in the wind.So, I quietly put a strand of your hair in my mouth. This morning I was reading the collection of letters by Pasternak and Tsvetaeva. Between poets and poets, there will always be sparks of emotional friction.In Pasternak’s first love letter to Tsvetayeva, there are two paragraphs that are exactly what I want to write to you at this moment. He also describes his own wonderful dreams. I will copy them for you to read -- "I saw you in a blissful, transparent, boundless dream. Unlike my ordinary dreams, this dream was young, calm, and transformed into a dream without difficulty. This is the case these days. This is true for me and for you. A happy day. I dream of early summer in the city, a bright, nice hotel, free of bugs and frills, perhaps, like a private house I once worked in. There, downstairs, just so I was told that someone would ask me questions. I felt it was you, and with that feeling, I ran easily along the flickering railings and down the stairs. Sure enough, in Where there seems to be a path, in the mist that does not come suddenly, but spreads steadily with wings, you are standing really, as I run to you. Who are you? ?is a fleeting visage that can make the woman in your hand disproportionately large at a moment's turn of emotion, as if it were not a person but a side beautified by all the clouds that used to float over your head sky. But this is a vestige of your charm." The love of poets is like a storm. While Pasternak loves his wife, he will also fall in love with Tsvetaeva, who he met for the first time, and calls him "sister of life" and "the only sky".To mere mortals like us, this seems unthinkable. I believe in that kind of one-to-one love, which is classic but a bit rigid, steadfast but a bit stubborn. In your letter you talk about bosses, and I have very little contact with such people.But I have known for a long time that bosses are like juicers, eager to squeeze out all the juice from employees like a fruit.Therefore, I have repeatedly warned you to take it easy when working. love you forever tingsheng May 13th, 2000 Tingsheng, my dear man: Don't worry about me.After I returned to Yangzhou, I ate well, slept soundly, and worked happily. It turned out that due to the pressure of work, I often suffered from insomnia, and sometimes I had to take sleeping pills to make myself fall asleep.Since I met you, my mind has entered a state of tranquility and fullness, and I have never had insomnia again, and I no longer need to take sleeping pills.I often sleep until dawn, and I have your sweetest kiss and most gentle comfort in my dream. I found the best prescription in Beijing - it's you. As soon as I remembered that you still love me in this world, my once bewildered heart settled down.Colleagues say, these days, my face is filled with joyful smile, they ask me there must be some reason, but I don't tell them. I won't forget to eat and sleep to work for the capitalists. I'm much smarter than you in the trick of "lazy".You are a person with a solid eye, but I am a "rabbit" with seven orifices. I know that what I am engaged in now is only a "profession" for obtaining basic material materials, not a "career" in which I can experience the joy of creation.Since it is a "profession", it is convenient for me to pass by. I have never been proud of it, and I am confident that I will come when I call it. Why abandon it? Soon, I will come to Beijing to live with you.At that time, I will still look for a similar "occupation" - I just use it to obtain the corresponding material rewards.Having a stable income also allows you to write with peace of mind without being entangled by external things.I would like to support you with my work.As the saying goes, first-class men rely on their wives, it is true! In the future, on the day when we can completely get rid of material deprivation, I, like you, will go back to my study to write my own words—and I will compete with you to see who can write better and whose Words are more attractive.I have already thought about the outline of a novel, which will be a novel that surpasses Eileen Chang. Don't think I am bragging. One day you will see it and be surprised. I have seen a lot of insults to you in the newspapers recently.Because you raised the question of "repentance", you offended many "gentlemen of integrity", and they did not hesitate to use the dirtiest language to insult and belittle you.You are on the cusp of the storm, so the open gun and the hidden arrow come together. At the beginning, while reading those words, I felt extremely angry-because there was venom flowing in those words.Why are your innocence, your bravery, and your compassion misunderstood and ridiculed by most people? At the same time, there are some people who deliberately misinterpret your intentions, and they pour dirty water on you with ulterior motives.They muddy the water and try to fish in troubled waters.I can't tolerate them rushing up aggressively, trying to eat "human blood steamed buns" dipped in your blood with relish. Later, I gradually thought about it.This is your destiny and your choice - if they don't insult you, it means that your words have no power.They hit back because you stung them and you made a fool of them.Their insults just show your value from the negative side. You are embedded in their most sensitive parts like a thorn.You made them feel bad, you made them lose face. Insults may be the slightest injury you have suffered, and in the days to come, there will be more severe tests waiting for you.I have vaguely seen it.But rest assured, when those tougher days come, I am here for you.I want to be by your side in your most difficult time, and bear the ups and downs with you--I want to hold your hand and walk in the wind and rain without an umbrella. In the midst of these almost overwhelming insults, I am a little worried that you are depressed and confused.Right now, what you need most is silence.As long as you are deeply rooted in the earth, those external wind and rain cannot shake your foundation. The Bible says: Don't be impatient and angry, For wrath dwells in the bosom of fools. ("Ecclesiastes 7:9") They're already angry because they're stupid, they're afraid, they're guilty.They cover their ignorance and fear with irritation and insults.As everyone knows, trying to hide the truth. Your call to repentance does not mean that you yourself act as a judge to judge the guilty severely; on the contrary, you begin with a humble state of mind, with a deep self-reflection.I read your writings, and it's clear that you never meant to stay aloof and stand on the sidelines.You understand that "sin" is like a thorn, deeply pierced in your soul-you confess that you are no more innocent than those you criticize. Therefore, while you criticize others, your own mind is also being filtered and purified. Poor people who are so angry.We should have mercy on them as much as we have mercy on ourselves. They don't know that sin itself is not the most terrible thing, but the most terrible thing is not confessing to sin, which is a disregard for people's sinful nature. They are in a state of ecstasy, which they deny, and instead regard sane people as lunatics.Like dogs they bite the sober and destroy the sober.They think that after doing this, their world will be peaceful. From this point of view, Andersen's "The Emperor's New Clothes" is not a fairy tale written for children, but a fable for adults. Tingsheng, you have repeatedly compared yourself to the kid who shouted "the emperor has nothing on". You have never regarded yourself as a hero—in fact, with your gentle and shy personality, you have never seen yourself as a hero either. May be a hero.You just observe with a child's eyes and express with a child's mouth. Confession is something for each of us. I think of a passage written by Liu Zaifu in "The End of the World": "Confession consciousness is not just looking back on yesterday, it also includes looking at today's defects and responsibilities with tomorrow's eyes. When the big forest in my hometown was wiped out, I saw the corpses and ruins of the forest with the eyes of tomorrow, that is, I saw the corpses and ruins with the eyes of a child a hundred years later, so I saw yesterday and today clearly and feel the deepest guilt." Is it not only the forest that has been killed?Our crime is more than destroying the forest? Rest assured, you are not alone.In your camp, even if you don't have a comrade in arms, there is still me.No matter what others think of you, I will always be by your side. Regarding sin and repentance, for the "Shenzhou" far away from God, for those Chinese who have no faith, it is really too difficult to understand, let alone practice.Against this background, your sincere appeal is tantamount to "playing the piano against a cow", and you may even be attacked by groups.They think confession and repentance are shameful things, but in the eyes of people of faith, confession and repentance are honorable and dignified things.In the Babylonian Talmud, there is this passage: Priest Aliza said: "Repent one day before death." His disciples asked, "How do people know the date of their death?" "That's all the more reason to repent today," said Priest Aliza, "in case you die tomorrow, so that one's whole life should be spent in repentance." This ancient law code also says: "Where the penitent has stood, even the most upright man is ashamed to stand on it." If he can find a great vindicator, he may be saved. But if he does not find such a vindicator, then he must die. The great vindicators of man are: repentance and good works." And yet, what a horrific misplacement in our country that calls for repentance should be understood as insults to others. Many people like to read Rousseau.However, when they read, instead of experiencing the pain and pleasure of the author's confession, they focus on the ambiguous relationship between Rousseau and several women.Therefore, in my opinion, if they finish reading it, it is better not to read it. Covering up a crime is a second crime, and more serious than the first.In this way, it is not that man has conquered evil, but that evil has engulfed man.Such people can only linger in the shadow of sin all their lives, and no ray of sunshine can shine on their faces. I love to read poetry, but confession has been absent in our poetry today.As some scholars have pointed out, the essence of poetry is an extremely self- and free artistic expression, which is the easiest way to express the consciousness and spirit of repentance.However, because people's concern for the inner world does not bring any economic benefits and good reputation, but will lead to ridicule and blank stares, so poets, like other intellectuals, openly refuse to repent. For a hundred years, when most members of our nation face disasters, escape is the first priority, but whether to fight against it is not important at all.Even after the disaster, people only lightly condemn the disaster itself, and create a few scapegoats to offset the crime, but never pursue responsibility and reflect on the soul from themselves. The most typical example is that after the end of the "Cultural Revolution", we read a lot of accusatory or heroic works, but it is difficult to see an author questioning himself or even blaming himself for his words and deeds during the "Cultural Revolution".Ba Jin's "Capricious Thoughts" has become a peak in the history of contemporary Chinese literature, not because of the depth of his thinking, but only because he still has a little courage to tell the truth. In our case, confession only exists as an abstract concept and theory, and confession is not connected with individual and concrete people.As a single, living person, they are all buried in a huge and chaotic group, and the final result is naturally that everyone can confidently say "the law does not blame the crowd".The smartest way for the Chinese to divert other people's attention is to "laugh at a hundred steps at fifty steps": Look, there are people who are worse and more despicable than me, please condemn him, why do you want to hold on to me who has a much lesser crime? Woolen cloth? Therefore, with regard to the "Cultural Revolution" and a series of previous political movements, what we see are mostly the memories of the victims, but we do not see a persecution maniac, or a person who participated in the persecution of others in the collective unconsciousness. Write Words full of confession. I have studied some laws, and I know very well that there is nothing in any law in our country that says to stop people from confessing—whether it is confession of words and deeds involved in major historical events, or confession involving small things in the lives of ordinary people .Confession is not a taboo in the legal sense.In real life, however, people turn pale when it comes to confession.To date, the number of confessors is still one in ten thousand. I have seen a movie called "Mozart".From the perspective of a person's repentant and even insane memory, the film shows the process of a priest persecuting Mozart to death because he was jealous of his talent.Later, the pastor's conscience found that he could not be relieved.The spirit of deep repentance made him finally fall into a situation where he couldn't extricate himself. He cut his own blood vessel and ended his life. This story is fictitious, but it shows the importance of the spirit of confession in the lives of Westerners.Only with repentance can one have a healthy personality state; only with repentance can one have a full spiritual life. As I write this, I suddenly remembered a story in the Bible. I can retell it to you as a reference—— A Pharisee invited Jesus to dinner, and Jesus went to the Pharisee's house.They were sitting at the table in the living room when the door opened and in came a woman, young and beautiful and of the utmost splendor, who everyone knew to be a whore. She had heard about Jesus, the good prophet who loved sinners.How could she approach him?If she tried to get close to him when he was in the crowd, people would laugh at her and wouldn't let her pass.She had been waiting for such an opportunity for a long time. He was in a room, and there were only a few people in the room. She was uneasy, trying to figure out how to please the Prophet.除了香膏以外，她实在想不出还有别的东西献给先知。她常常把香膏涂在自己的身体上，来取悦那些以钱买爱的人。 此时，她看见他在饭桌边。他那温和的容貌，那与那些粗暴的脸孔形成强烈对比的温和容貌，使她无法心神镇定，禁不住倒在他脚下哭泣起来，眼泪湿遍了他的脚。 她抬起头来向四周看看，想找一块布来擦他的脚。所有的人都盯着她，惊讶地说不出话来。也没有人替她找她所需要的东西。 她就用自己的长发代替了布，那长发，也是她迷人的身体的一部分。她用头发擦干了他的脚，又用嘴连连热烈地亲吻它们，还不断地抽泣着。她又用颤抖的手，把瓶子里的香膏涂到他的脚上。 在做这一切的时候，她一直低着眼睛，不敢抬起头来看耶稣的脸。 主人很生气，他想："这人若是先知，必知道摸他的是谁，是个怎样的女人，谁都知道她是个妓女。" 耶稣看透了他心里的想法，就高声问他："西门，我有话要对你说。一个债主有两个人欠了他的债，一个人欠五十两银子，另一个欠五两银子。因为他们无力偿还，债主就开恩免了他们的债。你说这两个人哪一个更爱他呢？" "我想，"西门回答道，"是那多得恩免的人。" "你断得不错。"耶稣庄严平静地说。 他看了看脚边的女人，转身面对西门，继续说道："你看见这女人吗？我进了你的家，你没有给我水洗脚，但这女人用眼泪湿了我的脚，用头发擦干；你没有亲吻我，但这女人从我进来的时候就不住地用嘴亲我的脚；你没有用油抹我的头，但这女人用香膏抹我的脚。所以告诉你，她的许多罪都免了，因为她爱多。但那赦免少的，他爱的也少。" 所有的人都目瞪口呆，他们从来没有听到过这样的道理。 在沉寂静默之中，房间里好像只有他们两个人：耶稣和罪人。他们被女人的爱连接在一起，被她对那泪水洗过、头发擦干的脚的亲吻连接在一起。同时，也被耶稣慈爱的言语连接在一起。 耶稣把女人扶起来，温和地对她说："你的罪赦免了。你的信仰救了你。平平安安回家去吧。" 她走了，不久她又返回来跟从他。她从抹大拿来到他身边，是被一种新的然而又含混难解的渴望驱使而来。这个陌生人温柔和蔼地对她说话时，她忍不住眼泪直流。 在此之前，有谁这样和声和气地对她说过话？除非是那些被瞬间的欲望攫住、要占有她身体的人。 但是，耶稣把她从卑微屈辱中升了起来，帮助她医治心里的苦痛。 从此，她就一直跟着他传道，在他使命的全过程中，她敏锐聪慧，比起其他的跟随者来，她能从他身上发现他们发现不了的力量。她比他的门徒中任何一个更能理解他。 这也就是为什么，最终，当他所有的门徒都逃走了，抹大拿的马利亚还站在十字架下，并且第一个梦到耶稣复活，使他不朽。 亲爱的廷生，我们每个人，谁又能够说自己比这个抹大拿的马利亚更纯洁、更高贵呢？我们不也常常深陷在泥潭之中不能自拔吗？我们在洋洋得意地鄙视马利亚的时候，有没有想过，我们是否做过比她更加可耻的事情？ 我们对罪恶无比痛恨，正是因为自己也沾染了罪恶；我们对光明无比向往，正是因为自己曾经在黑暗中摸索。 我们并没有外在于罪恶与黑暗。 你案头的灯光又点亮了吧？我想念着你那间稻香园的小屋。我愿意弃广厦千万而寻一温暖的怀抱，即使豪华如五星级酒店，没有爱与情义，没有相抉相助，也不过是我眼中的水泥加地毯！ 廷生，我亲爱的人，我马上就要变成一个赤足的"灰姑娘"了，丢掉眩目的水晶鞋，像个无助的孩子一样，小赖皮般地跟着你。 哪怕千里万里，哪怕流放牢狱，只要有你，有你的爱，有信仰，有善良，我觉得我就是最富足的人了，可以傲视巨贾亲王呢！ 夜黑了，我的灯亮了。 你来了，我的爱醒了。 爱着你的小萱儿 两千年五月二十日 亲爱的小萱儿： 要是我的童年时代就有你这个"灰姑娘"陪伴，我会有更多甜美的回忆。想象着两个牵着手的小孩，我就情不自禁地微笑了。 我的童年，一半的时间跟外公外婆一起住，一半的时间跟父母一起住。 那时，父母在川西的一个煤矿工作。父亲大学毕业之后，主动要求到"最艰苦的地方"去，这是他们那一代人所共有的意愿。于是，他被分配到大渡河边的一个煤矿从事施工设计工作。这个煤矿名叫"新华矿山"，这是一个普通得不能再普通的名字，我猜想全国各地一定有好几十个叫这个名字的煤矿。后来，母亲也调了过去。 由于矿源逐渐枯竭，"新华煤矿"在九十年代初就停产了。前两年，曾经有一次，我路过那里，从车窗向外望出去，到处是凄凄的荒草、颓败的房舍。仿佛那是一片史前的化石。我再也找不到童年的梦幻了。 于是，我只好彻底地求助于记忆。 小时候，我曾经跟随父亲到几百米深的矿井下。那是一段漫长得仿佛没有尽头的隧道，瓦斯灯一路通明。沿途，父亲会遇到许多满脸黝黑的矿工，他们都亲切地跟他打招呼，然后伸出黑黝黝的手来摸我雪白的脸蛋。 我继承了母亲和外婆皮肤的特征，皮肤像雪一样白、像玉一样嫩。小时候，人们凭借我的肤色来判断，常常以为我是一个女孩。我那雪白的皮肤，在矿井下面，被闪亮的瓦斯灯一照射，几乎是透明的。难怪那些寂寞的叔叔们都想来摸一摸，他们似乎以为我是一个玩具呢。 被他们这个摸一下、那个摸一下，我的脸便成了一个大花脸。回家的时候，母亲很心疼，埋怨父亲半天，隔了很久都不让父亲再带我下井。 而我呢，却不理解母亲对我的心疼，一心想着再次下井去。孩子总是喜欢另一个神秘的世界。 井下，在像煤一样沉重厚实的寂寞中，矿工们经常放开嗓子唱歌，他们的声音粗野而高亢。有时候，没有歌词，只有简单的调子。由于处在坑道之中，空气不太流通，他们的歌声也显得更加浑浊，回音也更加悠长。那是人间最美好的音乐。 父亲大部分时候都会深入到井下去，亲自指挥工人们施工，他虽然是大学生，但跟大字不识的工人们非常亲密，就像兄弟一样。 下井的机会毕竟不多，更多时候，父母都上班去了，我一个人在家里玩。 所谓的"家"，就是煤矿刚刚修建的一大排背后靠着山岩的简易平房中的一间。父亲在屋子后面靠着山岩搭建了一个小棚子，暂且充当厨房。煮饭用的燃料，就是那些挑选剩下的、成色不好的煤块。那些煤块燃烧的时候，经常冒出浓浓的烟雾来，熏得一家三口眼泪和鼻涕一起流个不停。 这样的家，并不是一个完全封闭的空间。屋子里可以捉到蟋蟀之类的小虫子，有时，它们就在房间的角落里鸣叫，我爬到床下寻找半天也找不到。外面，有一大排挺拔的大树，树干上时常出现啄木鸟，啄木鸟会在树干上啄出一首首轻快明朗的曲子来。蟋蟀、啄木鸟还有青蛙，它们组成了一场特殊的"家庭音乐会"。夏天的晚上，我们一家三口坐在门口快活地倾听着这美妙的天籁。 然而，也发生过一两次意外。有一天，我在床上睡午觉，母亲回来之后，刚刚掀开被子，吓得魂飞魄散--原来，被子里除了我之外，还躺着一条小蛇。小蛇就躺在我的手臂旁边，也不知道躺了多久，我们居然一直都相安无事。 那时候父亲还在上班，母亲不敢去抓蛇，赶紧跑到邻居家，央求隔壁的老工人胡师傅来抓蛇。胡师傅经验丰富，一进门来，铁钳般大手只一抓，便将小蛇抓在手中。他告诉母亲说，这是一条无毒的蛇。母亲这才松了一口气，几乎瘫坐在门槛上。 而我一直还在甜美的睡梦中，嘴角流出的唾液打湿了枕头。 爸爸回家后，立即在房间的角落里撒下石灰，在门口挂上艾草。 当几天之后母亲告诉我这件事情的时候，那条曾经与我同被共枕的小蛇，已经躺在老师傅的药酒瓶子里面。我经常与邻居的几个小孩子一起，趴在老师傅的桌子边上观察这条凝固的小蛇，并得意地向他们宣讲我的"勇敢"。 山上多蛇，也有很多关于蛇精的传说。隔壁另一家的阿姨就经常跟我们这些小孩子讲蛇精的故事。她告诉我们，曾经有一个小女孩，不听爸爸妈妈的话，一个人跑到山里玩，天快黑了找不到回家的路。突然，路边出现一个黑衣服的老奶奶。老奶奶拿着一捧草莓给女孩子吃，并且说要带她到好玩的地方去。 于是，女孩子跟着老奶奶走，走着走着，走进了一个山洞。在山洞里又走了很久，忽然老奶奶不见了。小女孩哭喊着，在黑暗中四处摸索，却怎么也找不到出洞的路。四周寂静无声，良久才有石头缝隙里水滴的声音悠悠地传来。 后来，当家人打着火把找到小女孩的时候，小女孩已经失踪了二十天。她居然没有饿死，是因为她一直舔着山洞里岩石壁上的苔藓，这是山洞里唯一的食物。 聪明的小女孩保住了性命。但是，她的身体已经接近虚脱的状态，她的精神也处于崩溃的边缘。她的眼睛里是一片像白云一样的空虚。 人们把小女孩送进了城里最好的医院。刚开始，小女孩每天都喃喃自语："我看到了那个白头发的老奶奶。"除了这句话之外，她不会说别的话，也不认识包括父母在内的亲人朋友。她在医院里住了好几年才逐渐恢复过来。 阿姨讲这个故事，把气氛渲染得有声有色。而且，她还告诉我们，这是一个真实的故事，那个小女孩长大以后在医院里当了护士。不信的话，我们可以直接去某某医院问女孩本人。 虽然听故事的时候是在光天化日之下，但我也不禁感到毛骨悚然，不住地往自己身后张望，看是不是有白头发的老太婆跟来。胆小一些的孩子，还没有听完就已经躲到桌子下面去了。 不过，孩子的心理就是这样，越是恐怖的故事，他们越是爱听。所以，我们听完了一个还想听第二个。 矿区的人们说，在矿区确实发生过好几起类似的事件。甚至还有身强力壮的大人，也被变成白发老婆婆的蛇精迷惑住，骗进岩洞里，差点就没命了。 恐怖的故事给矿区增添了几分神秘色彩。有时候，我们在山路上走，不知是谁喊了一声："白头发的老婆婆来了！"于是，所有人都不敢回头去看，每个人都夺路狂奔。 童年时代矿区的生活，对于我来说，最快乐的有两件事情：一是吃粉蒸排骨，二是看露天电影。 每到周末，矿区的公共食堂都会卖一道名菜：粉蒸排骨。山区的农民都养羊，羊肉价钱便宜，食堂便买来给工人们改善伙食。 这是一个星期里唯一的一次吃肉。所有的人员都凭菜票买一份，家家户户享受的待遇都一模一样。下午，离吃晚饭的时间还早，我便缠着母亲带我去食堂排队。食堂离我们家有一段半个小时的山路，得翻过几道小山岗。食堂与煤矿的行政机关修建在一起，在山顶的一片平地上，是矿井上最大的一个大厅。平时，大人们也经常在里面开会。 远远的，我们还行走在小块的菜地之间的时候，粉蒸羊肉的香味就飘了过来。去食堂买粉蒸排骨的路上，还会碰见好些平常在一起玩的小孩，他们也都是由父母带着，手上也拎着一个大瓷碗。我们各自炫耀着各自的瓷碗，仿佛谁的瓷碗大，谁就是孩子中的头领。 去的时候几乎是一路小跑，回家的时候却是归心似箭。一到家，我便迫不及待地打开瓷碗，粉蒸排骨的香味顿时弥漫在整个屋子里。爸爸妈妈都吃得很少，把最好的肉省给我吃。那是，我长得瘦弱多病，是爸爸妈妈的"重点保护对象"。 那美味的粉蒸羊肉永远地留在我的记忆里，那个卖粉蒸肉的胖大师傅的笑脸也留在我的记忆里。大师傅很喜欢我，他每次都会"偏心"地给我的碗里多加两块排骨。他经常跟父亲开玩笑说，你们家孩子的脸蛋，就好像刚出笼的粉蒸肉。那时，尽管他多给了我两块肉，我在心里还是很恨他--因为他对我的这种可笑的形容，很快就在小伙伴中间传开了。 以后，我们全家都离开了矿区。我再也没有吃到过那样好吃的粉蒸排骨了。也不知道煤矿停产以后，胖师傅到哪里去了。我想，他要是自己去开一家餐馆，凭他那套手艺，餐馆的生意一定会十分火爆。 在矿区，另外的一大乐趣就是看露天电影。 露天电影在矿区的大坝子里放映。我们一家一般都会提前两三个小时就去占座位，父亲把我扛在头顶，母亲则拎着两把竹编的小椅子。一家三口，组成其乐融融的队伍，"浩浩荡荡"地出发了。 现在，当年看过的电影一部也记不清了，我却还记得天上闪闪的星星。是不是那时我看星星的时候反倒比看电影的时候要多呢？对于我们这些孩子来说，最高兴的倒不在于电影的内容和故事，电影吸引了大人的注意力，我们就可以"为所欲为"了。 在正式电影还没有开始之前，放映员一般会加演一些小片断，大部分是已经很陈旧的领袖人物活动的新闻简报。如果放映的加演片断是自然风光，孩子们就会骑在父亲们的头上，寻找从后面射来的光束，然后做出各种各样的手势。这些手势在雪白的屏幕上变得巨大而灵活。于是，孩子们都发出欢快的笑声。酣畅淋漓的笑声在广大的场地里此起彼伏。 即使在正式的电影开始之后，我们也不会老老实实地从头看到尾。还不到一半的时候，孩子们就在人群中钻来钻去，玩起了捉迷藏。 这些调皮的孩子，有的跟我一样是矿区职工的孩子，也有的是附近农民家的孩子。大家不分彼此，玩得非常默契，片刻的功夫便如同一家人一样。"工农联盟"在成人的世界里只是口号，在小孩的世界里却真正实现了。 散场的时候，大人们往往大声喊着各自孩子的名字，孩子的应答从各个角落发出来。这一场景有些混乱，又有些温暖。 刚刚互相熟悉的孩子们，又恋恋不舍地分开，各自像小磁铁归向大磁铁一样，奔向各自的父母。 下次的游戏，只好等待下次的电影。 而孩子们纯真的友谊，多半是在大人们聚精会神地观看电影的时候产生并巩固的。我还记得一些有趣的绰号和灵活的脸庞，他们成为我童年生活永不褪色的背景。 宁萱，你有过类似的童年生活吗？那个偏僻而困苦的矿区，在父母们的回忆里，会有些苦涩的味道；而在我的回忆里，却充满着甜蜜和温情。 有一个平常很爱逗我玩的"眼镜叔叔"，他是一个比父亲更年轻的、刚毕业不久的大学生。矿上的叔叔很少有戴眼镜的，因此我们这帮小孩子便叫他"眼镜叔叔"。眼镜叔叔长的很英俊，刚刚结婚，还没有小孩子。因此，他们夫妻两都特别喜欢小孩子。他们经常带我上山捉麻雀，阿姨的兜里总是装着棒棒糖，一支接一支地塞给我。 眼镜叔叔家里有很多书，这是最吸引我的"钓铒"。跟外公家的那些中国古典文学作品不一样，眼镜叔叔家里的书多是外国文学，从安徒生童话到凡尔纳的科幻小说，从到《普希金诗歌选》，不管是否看得懂，我一本接一本地像流水一样读了下去。 矿区的孩子都好动，很少有喜欢读书的。发现我对书有着天生的亲近感，眼镜叔叔便让我无条件地分享他的藏书。这个秘密只有我和他知道。 突然有一天，眼镜叔叔在煤矿塌方中死去了。事先一点征兆都没有。塌方是在一瞬间发生的。还来不及呼叫一声，他和另外几个工友就被埋在几百米深的坑道里。人们抢救了几天几夜，然而救上来的却是几具面孔扭曲的尸体。这是很久以后，我从大人们口中的只言片语中听到的。 大人们从来没有正式告诉我眼睛叔叔已经离开了人世了，连父亲和母亲对我也守口如瓶。然而，从此以后，眼镜叔叔再也没有在我的生活中出现过。很长的一段时间里，他那年轻的妻子、我美丽的阿姨，天天在房间里哭泣，出门的时候也是神情恍惚的。我叫她，她看了看我，好像从来就不认识我一样，不答应我。她再不给我棒棒糖吃了。 那是我第一次接触到死亡。那是第一个跟我有着亲密关系的人离开我。然而，那只是一丝忧郁的阴影，并没有遮住我心头的阳光。很快我又蹦蹦跳跳了。 后来，父亲调动工作，我们一家离开了矿区。很多年过去了，我依然想念那里的青山，那里的矿井和那些童年的伙伴。我再也没有跟他们见过面。现在，即使再见面，我谁也认不出来了。后来，只是辗转听说煤矿效益很不好，工人的日子很难过。 有一次，父亲的一位同事写信给他，倾诉了生活的艰难，他们每月只有一百元退休金，有时还不能按时发出，因此连基本的生活都无法保障。父亲拿着信叹了半天的气，给这位同事汇去了五百元。虽然这仅仅是杯水车薪，但毕竟是一点心意。 讲完童年的故事，我又重新读你上次的来信。你对于"忏悔"的论述，让我信服和叹服。 你讲述的那个《圣经》故事也让我深受启发：在中国的土地上，为什么连一位获得拯救的玛利亚也难以诞生呢？有人身在淤泥之中，却因为忏悔而永生；有人长在辉煌的宫殿里，却因为拒绝忏悔并嘲笑忏悔的人而坠入炼狱。人与人之间太不一样了。 同样在土地上行走的，有耶稣这样的人，也有犹大这样的人。 同样在苍穹下呼吸的，有甘地这样的人，也有枪杀甘地的凶手戈德森这样的人。 现实生活中，崇高与卑劣的距离，远远超过了我们的想象。 宁萱，我一边在给你写信，一边又想给你打电话。我想听听你电话里的声音，请你在电话里给我唱一首歌。我记得我们在未名湖边的那些夜晚，你的歌声在我的耳边荡漾。 可是，我的手机又没有电了，我只好先充着电，继续把这封信写完。写完信，手机也就充满了电，我就可以听见你的声音了。 今生与来世都爱你的廷生 两千年五月二十五日