Chapter 16 Mandrake: 6-9

Xuan: I am so happy that you can come to Beijing.This is really great news for me.I haven't had such good news in my life for a long time.Du Fu said: "The flower path has never been swept by guests, but the Pengmen is now opened for the king."Here, there is no path full of flowers, but there is a pure and straightforward heart.I want to tidy up every corner of the room and put a bouquet of winter jasmine on the table.You are spring, and the flowers are welcoming you. The Bible says: There is good news from afar, It is like giving cold water to a thirsty man. ("Bible Proverbs 25:25")

Since we met for the first time, it has been half a year in the blink of an eye.I think about you every day, and then I know what it feels like to miss someone.Liu Yong said: "The belt is getting wider and I will never regret it, and I will be haggard because of Yixiao." I read these two poems before and found it incredible-is the magic of longing really so great?Looking at it now, I feel that the poet is not exaggerating at all-the longing for his lover is really like a millstone, torturing people every moment. I think day and night that I can see you, but you are always far away.Now, you finally promised me to come to Beijing to see me. My joy is like a thirsty person drinking a glass of cold water.I'm not an emperor, I can't hold a grand entrance ceremony for you.However, my heart is the city gate, as soon as we meet, I will give you the key to open it, okay?

Since I met you, the whole world has changed in front of me.I am more aware of good things, and I am less tolerant of evil things. I almost want to be a catalyst in a chemical reaction -- a chemical reaction in which the good will fill our lives and the evil will be wiped out.Just like the poem written by the poet Huang Xiang in 1969: Let's restore human dignity let life be life again Let music and kindness form the human heart Let beauty and nature belong to humans again Let every pair of eyes become a poem Let everyone tear down the emotional dams Let the honor drown in the dust of time

Let time and people be great forever let live be real Let the truth be alive Let youth suffer sweet spasms Let the old age of life be as quiet as the evening Let's not be wary of each other Make everyone worthy Ah, the dark night does not make people forget the dawn but only to increase man's desire for light The language of fire, announce it to the world Human life must be rearranged It was 1969, the darkest era in Chinese history. The prophetic poet uttered a courageous cry.His dream is still my dream; his belief is still my belief.For such dreams and beliefs, my thinking and writing will never stop-unless my life stops.

Ning Xuan, let us stand on the mountain and watch the sunrise in the distance. In "Wings That Want to Fly", I wrote a passage like this: "You come to see me from afar, and I have prepared a pillow for you to breathe gently in the arms of the mountains." The most inadvertent words, but it is my favorite sentence in this book. Kang Xiaoyu, the painter who designed the cover and drew illustrations for this book, can be regarded as a rare literary confidant.He selected a few paragraphs out of hundreds of thousands of words, and drew illustrations according to their meanings, including this paragraph.Beforehand, I didn't tell him that this sentence was the one I tried the most, but he found it out by himself with his insightful eyes.

He drew a simple and poetic picture: a small house, a window glowing with light.Behind is a faint green hill, and there is a puppy squatting in front of the door.And a string of messy footprints indicated that the guests had arrived. I can't provide you with such a paradise-like house, I only have a small dwelling.There is no faint green hill behind the house, but a noisy street.Although it has the name of "Daoxiangyuan", it is "not worthy of the name". However, I did prepare a pillow, a brand new sky blue pillow, so that you can have a series of beautiful blue dreams.And I will be on the sidelines, quietly listening to your breathing.

What a coincidence, "Taoxiangyuan" reminds me of a place name in the "Bible"-Vanilla Mountain.This is a place like the Garden of Eden, full of innocence, happiness, sin and suffering. It is not only an unreachable world on the other side, but also a metaphor for the real world we live in. "Herb Mountain" has herbs, sheep, and shepherds, so it has another name - Goat Mountain. In the novel "Black and White Angel", the German female writer Ulla Belkevich used the image of "goat mountain" many times.The young protagonist Reinhold, who was less than ten years old, learned that he had a heart attack, so he ran to the "Goat Mountain", hoping to be strong and gain self-confidence.Since then, whenever he encounters setbacks and confusion, he seeks solace in "Goat Mountain", and this magical land can give him strength again and again.

During the darkest Nazi era, Reinhold became a reserve officer.The Führer told the young children that together they were composing a "heroic epic rising from the ashes".However, compared with everything around him, Reinhold felt that the sonorous and powerful oath was "as flashy as ivory".While carrying out the policy of killing Jews, he deserted and fled into the Russian forest.When he returned to Goat Mountain, he remembered the proverb his mother once told him: "Our God is the only God, and we should serve Him and no one else." Every person and every nation has their own goat mountain (vanilla mountain).There, they wash away their sins; there, they find love; there, they gain strength; there, they listen to the truth.

"Daoxiangyuan" is our goat mountain and our vanilla mountain.Ning Xuan, do you think so? My dissertation has been completed, and there is still more than a month before the defense.Finally, some minor modifications can be made.The workload will not be great.So, when you arrived in Beijing, it was time for me to relax. I want to be with you every moment, and I want to enjoy every second of happiness with you.After you come, I don't want to let you go, I want to keep you by my side forever. love you tingsheng April 25, 2000 May 1, 2000 Regarding Ning Xuan's last letter, she called it "Little Broken Letter".

Ning Xuan told me on the phone that she was looking for an envelope after she finished writing the letter by the garden in the middle of the street.However, surrounded by big shopping malls, looking for a place that sells envelopes is like looking for a needle in a haystack.She bypassed the huge building complex and walked to a deep alley, where she found a small grocery store.In the small grocery store, she bought a flimsy envelope and a most common postage stamp. There are no mailboxes around.She wandered around the maze-like alleys for a long time.Finally, finally found a rusty mailbox, like a relic from the last century.At that time, she was a little skeptical that the mailbox could still be used.Before throwing the letter in her hand, she also asked the neighbors next to her.They said the post box was usable, and postmen came here every day to open and pick up letters.So she took the risk and tried it.She told me that whether this letter can be received depends on my luck.Anyway, there is no important news in this letter, and our contact method still has a phone number.

But I didn't expect that this "little broken letter" was sent faster than the usual express mail.It's really strange that this ordinary letter was only on the road for two days before I received it.I took a closer look at the postmark on the envelope and couldn't believe my eyes. So, this letter is delivered by angels helping us?Otherwise, the inefficient postal service would not be able to deliver the letter from Yangzhou to Beijing within two days.There is no other explanation, I have to believe: miracles have appeared around us.I want to treasure this "little broken letter". it's noon now.Three days ago, Ning Xuan called to tell me that her plane arrived in Beijing at five o'clock this afternoon.I told her that I would pick her up on time. I've been busy since morning.Cleaning the windows, mopping the floor, sweating profusely.I want to remove all the dust from the room.I replaced the blue sheets and pillows I bought a few days ago.This "home" was given to her by me, and also by her to me, and the two of us will make it more and more beautiful together.After tidying up the room, I picked up a book and tried to read a few lines, but couldn't read any of it.The shadow of Ning Xuan is everywhere in my eyes, it is her voice and smile, she occupies every gap in my life.I seem to hear her brisk footsteps. Where is Ning Xuan at this moment?After lunch, should she leave?Is she heading to the airport in a taxi, or is she already waiting in the airport terminal? During this period of time, my mind was in a mess and I couldn't do anything else.So, I took out the letters she wrote to me and read them one by one.I can recite all these letters.They are my most precious possessions.I put them in a beautiful box, and when I encountered something unhappy, I took it out and read a few paragraphs.They are really like a panacea, let me immediately feel like a spring breeze, and forget those troubles.Behind every letter, there is a special day; behind every letter, there is a special mood. Suddenly, these letters have become far away, because the person who wrote the letter will come to me in an instant.At this moment, when I read these letters again, I feel really different from before. Tagore wrote in: It is my joy to wait and watch by the side of the road when the rain is coming in the summer solstice. Messengers who brought messages from the unknowable sky greeted me and went on their way.I am sincerely happy, and the wind that blows has a fragrance. From morning to night I sit on the floor in front of the door, knowing that when I see you, the happy hour will come suddenly. At this time, I sang and laughed to myself.At this time, too, the air was filled with the fragrance of promise. Isn't it the same with my mood at the moment?Even the seasons are the same - "the summer solstice and the rainy season".Today, my life is completely immersed in excitement, and I feel that there is also the slight fragrance of Ning Xuan's arrival in the air. I kept checking my watch, and finally it was time to leave for the airport. I put on a clean jacket and started to prepare for departure.I looked at myself in the mirror for a long time.I was a little nervous: what would I look like in her eyes? Today's diary is temporarily written here. Perhaps, the following content will not be able to be rewritten until tomorrow - after receiving Ning Xuan, I will be with her all the time, where is there any gap to write a diary? May 2, 2000 It is the morning of May 2nd, and the bright sunlight has already shone in from the window.I sat on the corner of the bed and wrote yesterday's diary. Ning Xuan was still sleeping soundly on the blue pillow.She is tired.There was still a slight blush on her face. Yesterday at two o'clock at noon, I set off from Daoxiangyuan and went straight to the Capital Airport by car.It was less than three o'clock when we arrived at the airport.I was two full hours early. It wasn't until I arrived at the airport that I finally settled down - these days, I have been worried that I will be late.One day, I dreamed that I went to the airport to pick up Ning Xuan. I was stuck in a traffic jam. When I arrived at the airport, there was no one there. I looked for Ning Xuan everywhere, and called her name in the empty hall, but there was no one. Reply.At this moment, I woke up, breaking out in a cold sweat. I have picked up people at the airport many times, and I have never been so anxious and nervous as yesterday.Because, I will usher in a huge turning point in my life.Maybe, the girl I picked up will be my lifelong wife from now on. In the huge waiting hall of the Capital Airport, people come and go.On the radio, all kinds of news are continuously broadcast. I don't understand why there are so many people who come and go in a hurry in this world?Do they have a clear purpose in running around?When they go on the road, is it with sadness or joy?I always want to explore the changes in people's inner world from the look on their faces. On the huge display screen, there are densely packed flight numbers and take-off and landing times.Some arrived on time, some were late.Whenever a plane arrives, a red light flashes in front of the flight number on the display. I wandered around the waiting hall for a while.It was such a hard time to pass, I walked up and down like a century had passed. Ning Xuan told me her flight number on the phone, and I copied the number on a small piece of paper.At this time, I took out a small note.In fact, I have already memorized the flight number by heart, so I don't even need to look it up.But I was still afraid of making a mistake, so I took out the small note and compared it with the information on the display screen according to the flight number.Looking down at the watch on his wrist, it was only half an hour past. It will take some time for the plane flying from the south to arrive. So, I walked into a small bookstore in the terminal. There were many fashion magazines and bestsellers, but none of them I liked. Most of the magazines are covered with colorful beauties.As for books, most of them fall into two categories.One is official secrets, political inside stories, and biographies of political figures such as Qin Shihuang, Zeng Guofan, Chiang Kai-shek, Mao Zedong, etc. The potential readers of these books are officials and quasi-officials; The family, Bill Gates, and the rise of the Amazon bookstore. The potential readers of these books are bosses and would-be bosses.These books have nothing to do with my living conditions, and I will walk away as soon as I see such books. Casually flipped through the newly arrived English newspapers, just to waste time.Usually cherish time like gold, read and write, time flies by.Unexpectedly, the last more than an hour made me feel like the days were like years. In different moods, the density of time is also different. Suddenly, the flight number I was waiting for flashed on the display.So, this means that the plane I was waiting for has arrived? I started walking to where people left the port.There, there were already many people crowded at the exit, some of them held up big signs with the names of the waiting guests written on them; I don't carry any obvious identification, will Ning Xuan not be able to see me? I nervously watched the flow of people at the exit, for fear of missing it.Didn't she have an agreement with me?Whoever sees the opponent first wins. The flow of people came out one after another, like a group of ants with no end in sight.However, after several groups of people passed by, Ning Xuan hadn't been seen yet.I'm getting anxious.I kept on tiptoeing desperately to look inside. How I wish my vision could be like a magnet, but Ning Xuan was like a needle, the magnet immediately attracted the needle to it. An old man next to me who was also waiting for someone, seeing my impatient look, told me that there was still nearly 20 minutes between the light flashing and the passengers coming out, and the passengers had to walk through the station when they got out. Long passages and waiting for their checked luggage. Only then did I breathe a sigh of relief, and I couldn't help telling the old gentleman that I was waiting for my girlfriend.I was originally an introvert, and I would not speak my heart to a stranger so bluntly.Today, I was immersed in a kind of passion, I almost wanted to rush to the broadcasting room of the airport and shout to everyone in the airport: "Ning Xuan, Ning Xuan, where are you?" Finally, like lightning, I saw Ning Xuan.She was wearing a white turtleneck, black pants, and was striding toward me with a satchel on her back.Her whole body is black and white, without a trace of variegation, she stands out very much in the crowd. I spotted her from afar.Everyone around her became a background, some dull background, only Ning Xuan was agile.She seems to be the bow of a ship riding the wind and waves, cutting the water on both sides.I wanted to call her, but the distance was too far away, so I quickly waved to her. At that moment, although I was in a huge reinforced concrete building, I felt like I was in a garden.I heard the chirping of birds and the sound of flowers opening.I smelled the fragrance of pines and cypresses, and also smelled the moisture from the water's edge. I found her, the beauty on the water side. The most beautiful sentence in the Bible flashed into my mind: my love, my beauty, Rise up and go with me! For the winter is over and the rain has stopped. The time has come when the flowers on the ground bloom and the birds sing, The voice of the turtledove is heard in our borders, The fig tree is ripening, and the vines are blossoming and giving off fragrance. my love, my beauty, Rise up and go with me! ("Bible Song of Solomon 2:12-13") At the beginning, she walked forward, looking forward.She hasn't found me yet.I waved to her more vigorously.I almost jumped up.My heart was beating in my chest. At this time, she also saw me in the crowd, with a bright smile on her face, she waved to me, she was still a little shy, just waved gently. Our eyes intertwine. At that moment, although there were countless people around me, talking loudly, shaking hands and greeting each other, I seemed to feel that there were only me and Ning Xuan in this world, and we seemed to be walking straight towards each other among the brilliant flowers . Ning Xuan's hair has grown a lot, and it is no longer the boyish short hair when they first met half a year ago.Her hair was kept for me, it warmed my heart. As soon as I lost my mind, Ning Xuan had already walked to my side.This time, she took the initiative to reach out to me.I held her little hand tightly, a little cold hand.I smelled her fragrance, I gently pulled her closer to me, and we hugged.A faint blush appeared on her face. Our eyes gazed at each other affectionately.I'm almost crazy. "Why are you in a daze, help me with my backpack!" Ning Xuan's words interrupted my intoxicated state. Only then did I wake up and realized that this was not a dream, but reality.I took her bag, which was really heavy. We walked out of the hall arm in arm.When I took her bag, my other hand naturally took her hand.She no longer dodged like last time, she smiled at me: "Your hands are so warm." We get into a taxi.This is my second time riding with her.Last time, the car headed for separation; this time, the destination is our own "home". In the car, I asked Ning Xuan, "Did you feel dizzy on the plane this time?" "No, I thought I'd see you soon, and the flight time seems to be shortened a lot today." Ning Xuan rested her head on my chest naturally. I remember the first time we met, when we parted, I sent her back to the hotel at night, and her head rested on my shoulder inadvertently.But this time, like a gentle cat, she actively curled up on my chest.My breast is her haven. I stroke her hair.It has been half a year, and she has grown a long section of hair, thick black and shiny hair.I gently embraced her in my arms, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. "I still feel a little tired, I'll close my eyes and take a nap." Ning Xuan said softly. I nodded and patted her shoulder lightly.With the warm and fragrant nephrite in my arms, in an instant, I felt so happy: with a lover, I also have the world.Loneliness recedes like the tide, and I am like a soft island, revealing my body in the center of the ocean. She nestled against my chest like a child.The car was running on the third ring road, and the high-rise buildings along the way moved away one by one.Her breathing was even, and she gave her heart to me. I looked down at her neck, a thin layer of down on the snow-white neck.I reached out and caressed her neck as warm as jade.I leaned down and kissed her neck lightly. She squirmed in my arms and said vaguely, "You tickled me." Her eyes were half closed, and she was watching me quietly. The car arrived at Daoxiangyuan.We went upstairs to unpack our bags and prepare to go back to school for dinner. Ning Xuan looked at the room carefully, circled like a swan in the center of the room, and said to me: "This time, the room seems to be cleaner." I replied, "Of course, today we have the most distinguished guest." We went downstairs holding hands.I suddenly remembered the past when I wanted to hold her hand but was rejected when we met for the first time, so I jokingly said: "Why didn't you let me hold your hand last time? Do you know how much I was upset that time?" courage?" She poked my forehead with her index finger, sighed and said: "Oh, you are such a fool, why don't you know the girl's mind at all? Many times, girls say yes when they say no. At that time, my heart I really want you to hold my hand, but how can I say it out of my mouth? You are so stupid. That whole night, you didn’t even hold my hand once. Why, you regretted it later ?" "You like me as a fool, which means you are even more stupid." I said pretending to be angry.Then he put his arms around her waist. While talking, he went downstairs.In spring in Beijing, there is a lot of wind and sand, and I encountered sandstorms as soon as I went out.The dry breath of sand rushed towards his face, and within a few seconds, there was a feeling of sand intruding into his lips and tongue.It is really difficult for Ning Xuan to come from the beautiful Jiangnan to the harsh Beijing. The wind and sand blowing made us barely open our eyes.We walked arm in arm, wishing our whole bodies were stuck together.We don't let a little gap between our bodies. We went into the "home" restaurant in the school again.When I first met her, I ate in this restaurant. Before entering the door, I thought to myself, if only the seat we sat in last time was still vacant, in that case, we would still sit in the same seat we sat in last time. As soon as I walked up to the second floor, I first set my sights on the corner where we sat last time.The stone in my heart fell to the ground at once: that seat is still vacant.We headed straight for it, almost as if we were going to seize a vital high ground.I was so eager, three steps and two steps. After sitting down, we smiled face to face.In the smile, we have a kind of understanding. I still ask Ning Xuan to order.She ordered the dishes from last time - shiitake mushroom cabbage, slippery beef fillet, shredded radish and crucian carp soup.We are like two movie actors, continuing a wonderful plot.But there is no feeling of "performance", as if under the guidance of a mysterious force, we naturally do what we should do. After dinner, we went to Weiming Lake together.I am familiar with every road on campus, and I know how to get there even with my eyes closed.After all, I've been in this place for almost seven years.However, walking on campus today feels completely different from usual.Because Ning Xuan is by my side.She alone changed the entire campus.She kept asking me what this building was and what that building was. Every question she asked aroused my sense of novelty about the campus. Soon, we came to Weiming Lake.By the lake, I have been alone countless times.When you are upset, come here to quiet yourself; when you are happy, come here, let the lake and the tower share my happiness.The lake and the tower have almost become an important part of my life.I often face them and talk to myself. In the past, my shadow was as lonely as the tower's shadow.Today, I brought my lover here. Quiet lake, towering tower, you should be happy for me. Ning Xuan and I found a chair by the lake and sat down. The number of people by the lake gradually increased, and there was a little noise in the tranquility.Looking forward from where we were sitting, the half-submerged stone fish and the boya tower formed a line.The tower casts a long figure, which looks a little mysterious in the hazy night. I told Ning Xuan that on a lonely winter night, when I was walking on a frozen lake, I suddenly reached out to hug a stone fish whose body was half exposed on the ice.I'm so alone that I think of stonefish as my "suffering" brother. Another time, I bought a large bag of old books at the second-hand bookstall outside the east gate.After carrying it to the edge of Weiming Lake, I couldn't walk anymore, so I sat down and rested for a while.I flipped through these dilapidated anthologies of poetry and essays, wondering how many readers had glanced at these pages before.However, readers are isolated from each other, and have not shared the joy of reading with each other.How many living lives have dimmed—including the life of the author of the book, which still lives on. Another time, I heard a campus singer singing by the lake.It was a handsome young man. He played and sang with a big guitar in his arms: "Weiming Lake is an ocean, and poets all sink under the water..." This is the smallest "ocean" in the world, and it is also the largest in the world. "lake".Weiming Lake, a small artificial lake, cares about the hearts of thousands of students. Ning Xuan said that the lake is a bit cold.I took off my coat and put it on for her.She is wearing my coat, and she has a certain "heroic look".We both couldn't help laughing - she was comforted by my love and I was laughing at how boyish she was when she put on my coat. She leaned towards me and I reached out and held her tightly in my arms.At first, she wanted to push me gently, but then she reached out and hugged me tightly.We can't wait to melt ourselves, and then the two become one.We do not allow the slightest gap between us. All the sounds between heaven and earth disappeared, I only heard her rapid heartbeat. My face was pressed against hers.Her skin is as smooth as satin. She closed her eyes.With the gradually accelerated breathing rate, her rosy lips trembled slightly.I met my lips like a thirsty traveler looking for a mouthful of sweet well water. My lips were on hers, my lips pressed tightly against hers without letting go.My tongue seeks her tongue, my teeth seek her teeth.She resisted a little, then complied with my tongue kiss. Under the brilliant starlight, we finished our first kiss.This is a glass of intoxicating fine wine made from the sweet flowers and fruits on Huaguo Mountain; this is a lightning bolt that fell from the sky, piercing through all the darkness.In Gibran's words, in the past I was still uneasy and dubious, but after this kiss, I was immediately convinced and happy.This kiss is the prelude to a beautiful life and the beginning of a poem about spiritual life.It is the link between an extraordinary past and a glorious future.It is the calm after the storm, with delicate shells left on the sand. She snuggled into my arms, she sat on my lap, and I put my arms around her slender waist.She shyly closed her eyes and pressed her cheek against my chest.And I was still immersed in the sweetness of that kiss, like being shocked by an electric shock. I whispered Gibran's lines in her ear so softly that she alone could hear: "It is the language of four lips that proclaims that the heart is the throne, love is the queen, and fidelity is the crown." It is the gentle touch, like the breeze caressing the stamen of a rose, that brings with it a soft moan of sweetness and a long sigh of bliss; A paradise of dreams; it is the combination of two flowers, mixing their breaths, and producing a third fragrance... If the first sight is the seed that the goddess of love sows on the heart, then the first time A kiss is like a flower, blooming on the branches of the tree of life." Then I feel that I have lived up to this beautiful campus -- without love, wouldn't its beauty be wasted?With Ning Xuan in his arms, the scenery of Weiming Lake suddenly became lively.Ning Xuan's arrival is like the finishing touch. We talked a lot by the lake.For some reason, I suddenly became eloquent. Ning Xuan rested her chin and listened quietly beside her.There are stars in the sky, and her bright eyes on the ground, and the light of her eyes surpasses the light of stars.She inserted a few sentences from time to time, and every sentence touched my heart. We went back to the cabin again.This tiny room, without a single luxury, or even a "must" appliance, was able to temporarily shelter us from the elements. We can live the simplest life, but we cannot bear to live without love.We can lower our requirements for material life, but we cannot lower our requirements for spiritual life.We can share lack and hardship with our loved ones, but we will never accept what comes from us. We don't envy the king's palace, because we don't understand the intrigue in the palace; we have love, and we can live in peace wherever we go. I suddenly remembered the words in the Bible: My beloved, you are so beautiful and lovely! We made our beds of grass, With cedars as the pillars of their houses, With pine trees as rafters. ("Song of Solomon 1:16-17") We are finally together under one roof, we finally have a "home".This home seems to have fallen from the sky, but it is the crystallization of our prayers day and night. We didn't turn on the light, we lit a thin candle.We lay in bed, talking face to face.The passage of time suddenly stopped at this moment.The hourglass no longer leaks sand below - we seem to have entered another time and space. We didn't get tired, we didn't fall asleep, and we just went on saying one sentence after another.Talk about our ancestors, talk about our fathers, talk about ourselves.Say those sad things, but also those happy things. Afterwards, we felt that talking was superfluous.We looked into each other's eyes, we kissed constantly, and in passionate kisses we possessed each other. Unknowingly, the sky is bright and a new day has begun. When I woke up, Ning Xuan was still asleep in my arms. When she fell asleep, she was like a baby carved from jade.She slept deeply and breathed evenly, like a closed water lily. I gently pulled my arms out and moved her head onto the blue pillow. Last night she was surprised and said, "Why did you change to my favorite blue pillow?" She hadn't told me before that she liked blue pillows, but I guessed it right.A blue pillow will bring her blue dreams. At this time, I opened the diary and wrote these few strokes in a hurry.I was so dazzled by happiness that I didn't even know what I was writing. When I was writing, I was surrounded by Ning Xuan's rhythmic breathing.I love hearing her breathing, and I love writing to the accompaniment of her breathing.At this moment, every word I write is full of tenderness and sweetness. I won't wake her up.I'm going to let her sleep in as long as she wants. Usually, she has no possibility to sleep in late, I want her to relax in the hut.After she sleeps until noon, we will go out to play together. Ning Xuan hummed softly in her sleep.I lowered my head and kissed her ear lightly.She also has a small piercing mark on her earlobe.She once told me that it was worn by her grandmother when she was a child, but she never wore earrings once when she grew up. May 2, 2000 I drove all day yesterday.First I went from Yangzhou to Nanjing, then flew to Beijing by plane, and finally arrived at Daoxiangyuan, my own home. Such a fast speed, still with the help of the plane I used to hate.If there is no plane, how long it will take to travel from Yangzhou to Beijing will definitely make him wait and see. I've flown countless times over the years, and I used to get airsick every time.This time, there was neither dizziness nor a long feeling. In the past, when I went out by plane, what was waiting for me was a series of business negotiations; but this time, what was waiting for me was my lover and my new home.When I think of the words "lover" and "home", my heart feels warm. The plane arrived at the Capital Airport.When I got off the plane, I was even a little anxious. I didn't have any checked luggage, so I carried my carry-on bag on my back and walked towards the gate with my head held high. I brushed the hair behind my ears.He said he likes long hair, so I kept it.I used to have long, long hair when I was in middle school. My hair was once the longest, thickest, darkest, and prettiest among the girls in the class. Later, when I encountered a sad incident, I cut off my waterfall-like long hair as soon as I was cruel.Many students feel sorry.However, I feel that cutting off long hair is like cutting off a period of immaturity.I have short hair, which saves me a lot of time combing my hair.More importantly, short hair hides my vulnerable side.When you meet a stranger for the first time, a cool short hair can leave a smart and capable impression on the other party. I've had "super short hair" ever since, and it's gradually gotten shorter - almost as short as a boy's crew cut.No wonder he was taken aback when meeting him for the first time.He said that there was only one difference between the me he imagined and the me he saw - the hair. I've been growing my hair out since I met him, but I've never told him about it.I wanted to give him a huge surprise. From a distance, I saw him waving to me.It's really embarrassing for him, his eyes are short-sighted, and he can distinguish me in a crowded crowd.Not to mention my hairstyle has changed a lot. I think he is not seeing with his eyes, but feeling with his heart.I waved to him too, and our eyes met. Our eyes are like stars, colliding with passionate sparks. We can actually know each other's thoughts without saying a word.I was originally his rib.尽管前方有那么多等待接站的人，我却如入无人之境，我的眼里只有他，那里只有他一个人。 我像贝壳一样向他敞开。 我想起了安妮宝贝在一篇小说中的一句话："她那时候是一个瘦的眼睛漆黑明亮的女孩。拎了一个旅行箱来投奔她的爱情和未来。" 我加快步伐向他走去，看他着急的模样，简直就要冲过警戒线了。 我三步并作两步，走到他的跟前。他还在痴痴地注视着我，连接过我的包也忘记了。 我提醒他，像一个任性的孩子一样对他说："人家背着这么重的包走了好长的路，你也不帮一帮。" 他这才有些惊惶地从我的手中接过包。片刻的忙乱之后，他伸手来挽着我，我把手给了他。这一简单的牵手，延宕了半年多的时间。 "你看，我的头发，变样了吧？"我拨弄一下头发，得意洋洋地对他说。心里巴望着能够得到他由衷的赞美。 "我早就发现了，你的头发都这么长了。我也知道，你的头发是为我留的。"他的眼光里全是浓浓的爱意，他还伸手摸了摸我的头发，头发在风中调皮地飘动着，不顺从他的抚摸。他说我的头发里有淡淡的幽香。 我们到了家--还是那个落寞的居民区，还是漆黑的楼道，一切都没有变化。只是，楼下盛开了一束金黄的迎春花，他说，这些迎春花是专门欢迎我的。 我上次来的时候，还是秋天，现在却是春天了。 我上次来的时候，是一个短发的现代女子，这次来却是一个长发的古典女子。 他的房间里，还是一切依旧。满屋子的书，电脑静静地隐藏在书堆之中。这半年多以来，他在电脑前又写出了多少文字呢？他又读完了多少本书？ 唯独发生变化的是，他为我准备了蓝色的枕头。他告诉我，上午他还特意把这对新买的枕头放在阳台上晒了一阵，枕头上还留着今天的阳光的香味，枕着它睡觉，梦里也会充满阳光。 这个小小的房间，如果增加一个我，并不会显得拥挤。我会尽心尽力地行使女主人的职责，把它收拾得更加井井有条。我会在这个朴素得有点刻板的房间里，不经意地增添进一些温馨的元素。 简单地洗一把脸，我们便回学校去吃饭。我说："还是去上次的那家餐厅吧。让我们重温一下昔日的记忆。再说，那里的菜做得真不错。" "当然，那里是我们的家园。"他回答说。 有意思的是，我们上次坐的那个座位还空着，好像是专门为我们留的。 这一次，他坐在对面，毫不害羞地"审视"起我来。他的脸庞红彤彤的，好像是喝醉了酒。 我向他撇一撇嘴，开玩笑地说："你现在怎么敢这样肆无忌惮地看我？"然后，从桌子下面伸出脚去，轻轻地踢了他一下。 "我想看看你长漂亮没有。"他还是没有收回热烈的目光。 这次吃饭，又是我占了上风。我点的三个菜跟第一次的一模一样。他没有吃多少，而我却拿出"横扫千军"的架势来，一口气吃了一大碗饭。 其实，平时在公司里，我吃得最少，一份分量并不大的盒饭，我只能吃一小半；到外边饭店去与客户们一起吃饭，我也往往是"点到为止"。妈妈说，我从小就太挑食，我们的家境并不算好，也不知道是怎么把我惯出来的。妈妈一直就担忧我太瘦，每次周末回家，都会做一大桌子好吃的，可是我并没有如她所希望的那样"狼吞虎咽"。 也许，只要与他在一起，我的食欲就能够出奇地好。我一边吃，一边对他说："你养得起我吗？你看，我这么能吃。" 他说："没有问题。小生不才，但养一个老婆还是绰绰有余的。"他惹得我忍俊不禁。 吃完饭，天色已经全部黑了。沸腾了一天的校园，终于进入相对的安谧之中。教室和图书馆的灯一盏盏地亮了。 "去未名湖边散散步吧。"他提议。他骄傲地拉着我的手，仿佛要向每一个同学宣告：她是我的爱人！他步履轻快，像要飞起来。我几乎是被他拖着走，我都跟不上他了。 一路上，他兴奋地向我介绍北大的建筑。哪一栋教学楼他经常去，哪一间教室比较容易找到座位……看得出，他无比地热爱这座校园。尽管在文字中他对北大有不少激烈的批评，但在骨子里他是深爱北大的。正因为爱得太深，他的笔下也就更不留情面、更不愿意掩饰现实的缺陷。他爱的是蔡元培的北大，是"五四"的北大；而不是校庆的锣鼓声中的北大，也不是"工商管理硕士"们的北大。 还有两个月就要离开这里了，我感觉得出来，他还是有一点恋恋不舍。但是，他又不能永远呆在这里，就好像真正的大树不能永远生长在温室里。 他说，在这个校园里，他留下了一生中最宝贵的七年的青春岁月。他的精神在这里成长壮大。他几乎每天都去图书馆，却一次也没有进过舞厅。他是这座校园里最平凡的一个"清教徒"。现在，在离开的前夕，感情很复杂，既有些厌倦，又有些留恋。他说他要走出去，将来有一天再回来。 而我，离开校园已经有好几年了，这种感觉已经逐渐淡漠。我对自己的校园没有像他这样刻骨铭心的感情，但我理解他所有的感受。 我们坐在湖边，星光从树梢之中透过来。 湖心岛边光滑的石舫上，有人在玩耍着，好像在跳舞，歌声漂了过来。 我们像磁铁一样靠在一起。他紧紧抱住我，我也向他迎了过去。女孩的羞涩在一瞬间全部消失得无影无踪。 他嘴唇在寻找着我的嘴唇，他多么笨拙啊。我心里暗暗发笑。 他的嘴唇滚烫，像是着了火。I closed my eyes. 这一个吻，仿佛过去了一个世纪甚至一个千年，这是一个似乎永无休止的长吻。直到我快要透不过气来，我才轻轻地推开他。 我披着他的外套，我们挽着手绕着未名湖走了好几圈。 旁边，有几个大一的新生在高声谈论他们的老师。他们无所忌讳、高谈阔论。这种充沛的自信是新生们专有的权利。我们相视而笑，我们也有过这样的时刻，而且我们至今还在保持着这样的心态。 夜深了，我们牵着手回家。沿途的店铺渐次熄灭了灯，关了门。海淀这一带，是文化教育区，不是商业繁华地带。晚上，几条街道都显得很冷清。 进了房间，他紧紧地把我拥入怀中。他说，他害怕失去我，失去上帝派遣到他身边的小精灵。 我安慰他说："我会来到你身边的，我会用一辈子的时间来陪伴你。"我说这句话的时候，用的是斩钉截铁的口气，眼睛里还放着褶褶的光芒。 我发现，此时此刻是他最脆弱的时刻。他外面那层坚硬的壳脱去了，他只会在我的面前脱去，甚至在父母面前，他都不会如此放松。此时此刻，我需要像母亲一样爱抚他。不，比母亲还要亲密。我是他的情人，他的爱人，他的身体的一部分。 We hugged and lay on the bed, shoulder to shoulder, talking intermittently all night under the dim candlelight.We all cried, but we all laughed.我的眼泪流在他新准备的枕头上。He sticks out his tongue to suck the tears from my cheeks. 他的手抚摸着我光滑的脊背，我的肌肤像睡莲一样向他张开。 后来，我不知不觉地睡着了。我只记得我蜷缩在他的臂弯里，他的暖和的臂弯里。 我是一个性寒的人，以前在大学宿舍里睡觉，经常半夜里被冻醒。然后，起床来给自己再加一床被子，或者轻轻地叫醒下铺的女孩，像一条鱼一样钻进她的被窝，跟她一起挤着睡。 当我抱着浑身滚烫的他睡觉时，我再没有感到寒冷。他给了我无穷的热量。在他的臂弯里，我感到一种从所未有的安全和温暖，就像种子找到了生根发芽的地方。 寻找一个终身可以依靠的丈夫，不就是寻找一个晚上可以温暖自己的人吗？ The Bible says: 二人同睡，就都暖和； 一人独睡，怎能暖和呢？(《圣经·传道书4：11》) 我整个晚上睡得很香，也没有做梦。很久没有睡得这么沉了。只有在心灵安定的时候，才能够睡得这么沉。 今天早上，当我醒来的时候，他不见了。是闪亮的阳光把我从睡眠之中晃醒的。 北京唯一比江南好的，就是有灿烂的阳光。几乎每天都是晴朗的天。 这是一间朝南的屋子，一大早就有阳光流淌进来，它们像小孩子一样，争先恐后的涌进我的怀抱里来。以扑进我的怀抱，却又突然消失了。我对阳光的拥抱，让我又想起昨天晚上我拥抱他的感觉。 我揉了揉眼睛，我的爱人，他到哪里去了呢？他为什么把我一个人丢在屋子里？ 我扭过头去，发现他在枕头上放着一张小纸条："厨房里有面包、酸奶和新鲜的草莓，这是我为你准备的早餐。我出去买菜去了，你好好睡觉，起来以后自己先吃点早餐。我马上就回来。我们一起做午饭吃。"读着他熟悉的字迹，一股暖流涌上心头。我终于有了一个家！ 从中学起，我就在学校里过住校生的生活。这种单调的集体生活既让我自立，也使我孤独。我常常感到自己像一只被牧人丢失的羊羔，在茫茫无涯的原野上彷徨。我没有自己的家，也不知道家在哪个方向。 初中、高中、大学一直到工作，集体宿舍里，有时是八个人，有时是六个人，有时是两个人。我跟同屋一般都相处得非常好，有好吃的大家分着吃，打扫卫生的时候大家争着干，一帮小姐妹相亲相爱。然而，那毕竟不是家，用他的话来说，就是"铁打的营盘流水的兵"。 那些一模一样的房间里，每年都会搬进一批崭新的学生，就好像是稻田里每年都会长出一茬稻谷一样。因为没有爱情，也就没有回忆。 我时常陷入一缕一缕的寂寞之中，这些寂寞缠绕着我，让我无法自拔。我的学习很优秀，我的工作很自如，我的收入也很丰裕，可是我依然觉得：生命中最重要的东西我一直都没有获得。 读《圣经》的时候，我被这段话深深打动了： 一个人若有一百只羊，一只走迷了路，你们的意思如何？他岂不撇下这九十九只，往山里去找那只迷路的羊吗？若是找着了，我实在告诉你们：他为这一只羊欢喜，必为那没有迷路的九十九只欢喜还大呢！(《马太福音18：12-13》) 有时候，我觉得自己就是那只走失的小羊羔啊。上帝不会不管我的。 可是，什么时候，我才能够在上帝精心的指点下，找到一个最终属于自己的家呢？ 现在，这个家就在面前，我就在这个家之中。他就是上帝派到我身边的使者。 此刻，我被喜悦所笼罩了。这种喜悦将伴随我一生。 他曾经告诉我，他能够一手拿笔写作，一手拿铲子炒菜--难道今天他要向我展示一下他在厨房里的手艺？