Chapter 20 Chapter Twenty

Of course you know your business.You don't need me to repeat it here.But I believe that after you said it that day, you also forgot and I also forgot.How it started and how I continued it and how it ended, even I, who has been censored for many years, has forgotten.You know that kind of censorship is very strict, every sentence must be connected like a numbered chain link, otherwise you will die or be beaten severely.This training shaped my talent for writing novels now.The censor wants to pursue the history of the censored, and the censored has to constantly fabricate his own history and conversations with so-and-so, just like reading and writing novels.The rigorous requirement of dialogue has cultivated countless Shakespeares.But I don't want to write about you as a character in a novel now, I just want to mention what you said that touched me.

You talked about your divorced husband.You said that what men need in their bones is a woman in a primitive state, but you are too civilized.You have been cultured to be inhuman.When you say this, I think of non-dogs and non-cats in the West, Freyton, and another woman like you. You feel deeply that you must go back to the barbaric state and restore yourself to a real woman.You said that men always like to talk about women hatefully when they get together, but men don’t actually understand women, and it’s women themselves who really understand women.I argue that it is not entirely true. Women do not understand women just as men do not understand men. It is precisely the small part of men who understand women that is really sensible, and it is the small part of women that understands men.

You silently took out a cigarette from my cigarette case and lit it.We all forget what we said now because our language didn't matter.Language is just a hand wrestling, through which we walk into a black hole hand in hand. You covered your mouth and coughed lightly.I see your grace and your weariness of grace in your posture.You said these words and I realized that you were born at the same time as your jewelry and your fashionable clothes.You were born with all the equipment of civilization.These things are actually your fetal membranes.It is not until you are middle-aged that you think of breaking through it and contacting the world happily.When I think you are naked you must also want to be naked.What attracted me to your face turned out to be the excessive sadness of civilization.

You said that you can smell a primitive and rough smell from people from the mainland. People from the mainland are like foxes or wolves that just ran out of the forest.Of course I know you're implying me.I pursed my lips and smiled. I thought I was a descendant of robbers, which was the most revolutionary class. Then my ancestors turned into nobles, and I became the object of revolution again.But then the revolution turned me into a robber again.But the revolution followed and turned me into something maybe a wolf or a fox!However, in the final analysis, neither you nor I know what we are, so I can only listen to you with a sense of loss.

You say that feminist writer in Western Europe doesn't understand women at all.A woman is born strong not because she doesn't need a man but because she is a mother.Mothers give birth to everything including men.When men make troubles in the world, they are actually tossing and turning in the mother's womb.Mother demurely watched everything tolerated everything and forgave everything.As I listen to you, I think of Monkey King who can't jump out of Buddha's palm and also think of my wife.So I shudder. Now your eyes are as soft as coffee with too much milk, purely a woman's eyes.I secretly hope that you can tolerate me and forgive me while wondering why your husband left you.

You said that I dared to temporarily put aside the prepared speech to speak at such an important international conference, only a wolf who just ran out of the forest could do it.The civilized world has the rules of the game in the civilized world.Jokes or humor, no matter whether they are noble or indecent, they are all prepared in advance at home, just like serving a banquet.Jokes and humor are not clever, not because the person lacks knowledge but because he has no wit to adapt, just as it is not because the dishes are not cooked well but because they are served in the wrong order.You say you appreciate my actions but not the content of my speech.On the contrary, you are also very annoying.My whole speech was, to put it bluntly, an advertisement for sex.You seem annoyed when you say the word "hate", but I can see in your eyes that you're actually being coquettish, not "hate".I just posted an ad for sex and you're the first applicant.You are trying to make yourself a woman, like dogs and cats in the West who want to run into the forest and bite people and catch mice.As a woman you really know too much and live more tiredly.Knowledge is a burden of man.I want to help you unload the burden so I obey you.I said that I also knew that I was just sensationalizing, but the real knowledge cannot be expressed.The most precious thing is the experience in one's heart, only let it be deeply buried in the heart, never speak out.The truth in the world cannot be proved, and all the truths that can be said clearly are mixed with falsehood.It's better to embed a little inner experience in the joke than to say half-truths with seriousness.You smiled and praised my confession.You said that you thought I would defend myself. People from mainland China all think they have the truth and pay special attention to face.I agree with your comment with a wry smile, but I think writers should be excluded. Writers are actually the most incompetent people. People who can’t do anything else and only fantasize all day long have a career. If I can make sesame seed cakes, I will definitely sell them biscuits.

A police car roars outside, a light flashes across your burning face.I see that light go through your helix and a lovely cloud of pink hits my lips.But you are very calm, you put the cigarette butt in the ashtray in an orderly manner.You say that I am an optimist after reading my novels, but I am quite pessimistic in my bones.I said that after seeing the world thoroughly, you will not be able to tell whether it is better to be pessimistic or optimistic. I am me!You say that between optimists and pessimists you prefer the latter.So you've identified me as a pessimist and asked me to agree.You also said that only pessimists have a tolerant mind, such as Bodhisattvas, who regard life as a great suffering.I said that Bodhisattva's pessimism and optimism are completely expressed in his silence. He saw, heard, experienced, but said nothing.There isn't a single writer in the world who is a true pessimist or optimist, they are all a bunch of dunces, raps, cowards, and people who sell their emotions to make money!

God!Your civilization determines that you have certain procedures for everything you do.In Paris, I passed the dark side streets of Santenis, and the whore hides in the doorway and throws her cloak to show you a bikini. "Sir, let's play," she warmly invited me.Then I thought of you.She's saying the same thing as you, but you'd never greet me like that, and you're bringing Bodhisattva into it. I didn't know until I died that between the two of you I still prefer the former.That not only saves time but also saves brains. It is really tiring to fall in love with you.

In the end, you smiled and said, my sentence "I am me" is a typical wolf language, but I can see from your smile that what you need is a wolf. It seemed ridiculous that we would break up after saying all these "men" "women" "likes" and "dislikes".You raised your wrist and looked at your watch and said we can sit there for a while.I said either go to my hotel or go to your house.You greet the waiter and say that your coffee is better than here. I certainly like better coffee. I help you put on your coat and smooth your long smooth hair over the collar.I felt a shudder of delight the first time my fingers touched your creamy neck, but your ring chilled me when you reached out to pull you out of the chair.At the door of the coffee shop you go to drive.I bought a bunch of crimson carnation flowers from a cute little girl and handed it to you.

You giggled holding flowers, but said that this is not something a wolf would do, you said that I am good at pleasing women, and at this time I thought of my mother. The police car was still roaring.We sailed to the safety island amidst the roar.I am very sensitive to animals like soldiers and police and I was not afraid that day.