Chapter 19 Chapter Nineteen

Today I am here to reminisce about the past.Natalie is gone, you are gone, she is gone... I watched the little bus stop from the window.That bus station is so small that it hurts my heart.I looked at Natalie's back like her back and her back, and Natalie's back was like everything I could recall.But I must look for your eyes with the pen, otherwise I cannot continue to write this novel.I remembered that I was at the art market in Montmartre the day before yesterday to see painters painting portraits for tourists.I have found that every painter starts with the subject's eyes.Under the transparent sunlight, I saw pairs of bright eyes.So, now, I can only put the light of those eyes in your eyes.

But I can't remember exactly what day it happened. I don't have a calendar, but I have to calculate dates. I heard my name announced by the chairman and I called my friends to come on stage with me. I saw countless eyes looking forward to happiness in the dim light below the stage.So I said that before I took the stage to speak, the staff of the conference repeatedly told me not to speak for more than ten minutes. I said that I understood what she meant. She probably thought that people from mainland China were good at making long political speeches, and they should do it on any occasion. First of all, publicize the achievements and policies of Yitong Mainland.I said I just don't, I just have to tell an old joke.I said that there used to be a scholar who couldn't write an article for three days and three nights. His wife was worried for him and asked why it was harder for you to write an article than for me to have a child.The scholar replied, it is easy for you to have children because you have something in your stomach, but it is difficult for me to make a fuss because my mind is empty.I said that Chinese writers have experienced a series of hardships, our stomachs are malnourished but our heads are full.Some people read my novels and wrote love stories one after another, thinking that I must have a lot of warmth of love in the midst of suffering, but in fact it is just the opposite.I said I was as pure as a saint until I was thirty-nine.I hope that the men in this room don't have the sexually repressive experience I did.My novels are, in fact, all fantasies.Waking up in a deserted village where chickens are crowing in the frosty morning, I can imagine that there are such and such women beside me.I touched her and she touched me; in the loneliness, she had many gentle words to comfort my loneliness, and the loneliness and loneliness were colorful and noisy.In this way, when I have the right to write and publish my works, I put their images on the paper one by one.So, I now understand what literature is.

Literature expresses human fantasy, and fantasy is the resistance to reality!After more than 20 years of criticism and struggle, there is no Chinese intellectual who is not good at eloquence.The continuous political movement in China has continuously created language masters in batches.Those who can't speak are all dead. Who told them that they can't speak!Deserve it!Those who survived are all people who can speak and write self-criticism, so they are all well-behaved.All living Chinese know how to cater to the taste of the audience and master the propriety of speaking. Of course, I will speak just right and stop abruptly when the audience is still interested in listening.As soon as I pointed out the topic, I nodded and stepped down.My friend and I cooperate very well like a pair of comedians.Sure enough, I heard warm applause.The audience expected pleasure, the speaker expected vanity, and this time both were met.After the meeting, the smiling chairman came to me. He praised my speech for its humor and depth, and repeatedly patted me on the shoulder to congratulate me on my success today.I suddenly feel ashamed of such a naive old child: Compared with Westerners, all Chinese are a hundred years old according to experience.

But not long after, I realized that our nation, which has lived for five thousand years, has not matured yet.The crowd in the hall gradually became treacherous.The night is darkened by the bright door lights. I don't know if it was a sprinkler or a burst of autumn rain that drenched the road. The tires of a car rolled past me and made a hissing sound.The buzz of the assembly and its warmth were all gone.I turned up the collar of my trench coat.I see you standing alone beside that silver-gray Ford.You put on a light woolen coat.I remember that coat was also silver gray.In front of the black wall, the whole of you is showing a slight coolness, as if you need someone to warm you up with your hands.

You greet me with starry eyes.That starlight, that sparkling earring like a beacon.I walked towards you silently. You opened the car door silently, and I got into the other side of the car silently.You didn't drive after we all sat down, and you looked tired as if you were still waiting for someone. A few years later in Paris, I also came out of the venue in the same way, and I got into Natalie's car and Natalie sat just like you.I lost no time and leaned over to kiss her lips.The gear handle pressed against my ribs, and for a moment I thought it was the muzzle of the gun against my chest.Who is warning me of such sin?Because I was thinking of you when I kissed her.You have taught me many things.

You hadn't taught me then.I didn't lean over to kiss you then.I rolled down the window a little and lit a cigarette.I made you feel ashamed once as you are making me feel ashamed now.After a while the car slipped into the driveway unknowingly.I see Manhattan at night. I can't remember who suggested going for a cup of coffee and some snacks, maybe it was me since I've been worried about stomach acid.You drive the car around.The two of us talked incoherently and incoherently.Our words are like moths in the night seeking a flame.Finally you drive to a small shop with a vacant parking space.After we went in, the two of them coincidentally saw a secluded corner, which seemed to mean something.Your coat slides off of itself in my hands.For a moment I almost thought your carcass was completely naked under your coat.It was only at this moment that I had a premonition of what was going to happen, and when I listened to you, I became more certain.