Chapter 12 Chapter Six

The torture of ecstasy, the agony of bliss! The pain and joy are indescribable! - Heinrich Heine, "Poems" The sweet and refreshing morning breeze gently woke me up through the broken glass.I feel sober. That night, I slept deeply.Before falling asleep, I thought, I will definitely dream of my mother tonight.But, no.Life and death are separated by one step, but also so far away that you can no longer see the kind face in your dreams.Mom was a housewife who had spent her whole life among pots and stoves.She believes that there is another world in the dark, and she believes in dreams, resurrection and other nonsense.Sometimes, under the lamp, with such a mysterious and pious expression, she spoke to me vividly, as if the soul is more free in the dark, and can fly to the world with the breeze.So, what prevents her old man from coming to my dreamland? ...

I was lying on the plank and thinking hard, the tweeter suddenly played a high-pitched music that I had never heard before, and at the same time whistles and passwords sounded from the playground in front of the window.I sat up, trying to look out through the glass gap, but a tortilla wrapped in a small handkerchief with a cat printed on it rolled down from the quilt.I looked at the nine people sleeping on the kang, and after some consideration, it was really "eating quietly" as she said. After I finished eating, I lay down next to the gap and looked out, and the crowd had dispersed.On the edge of the glass gap, there was a streak of bright red blood that seemed to be scraped from the flesh.

While she was at work, she called me and "Mr. Messy" (how many secrets you've heard, "Mr. Messy") to repair a section of road far away from the people. "Thank you," I said, "I saw it. I ate it too." "Did you eat it alone?" "yes." "You slept so deeply. I watched you from the window for a long time." She smiled mischievously, "I was holding a branch to wake you up, but seeing that you were sleeping soundly, forget it. Don't let them know in the future." "Forget it, don't give it away in the future." I said while throwing dirt.

"Why?" She tilted her head and looked at me puzzled. "Who knows how long I'll be locked up, maybe..." "No," she said capriciously, "Anyway, I'll send you as long as you're locked up, and I'll keep sending you..." "So, I'm going to stay in the prison all the time?" I smiled sadly. "No," she leaned on a seven-nine rifle and looked into the distance, her face overflowing with sweetness like a dream: "I'll bring you food while you're here, in the future..." "What's going to happen in the future?" I'm not pretending to be sentimental, but I really didn't think about what will happen in the future.

"In the future..." She pursed her lips and smiled slightly, "I won't say anymore, you are very bad!" "You're right, I'm a bad guy." "Don't, don't..." She moved closer to me and pecked her plump red lips again, as if coaxing a child, "I'm joking, don't be angry, ah, don't be angry. I know you rightists are good people. In the past, some people in our village were deported to reform through labor, that is to say, the great steel smelting messed up, the Great Leap Forward was a big leap forward, and the common people starved to death. My mother told me that you rightists are good people.”

"No!" I was taken aback, and knowing that she had confused "rightist" with "rightist", I quickly said, "No, I didn't say that!" I didn't say it, and I couldn't even think about it I didn't dare to think that her bold and clear words aroused my suspicion again. "Just say it, what are you afraid of? There is no one else here, just this lunatic." She glanced at "Mr. Messy", and pushed a lock of hair behind her ear.I saw gauze on the back of her hand. "What's the matter with your hand?" "It's nothing!" She smiled and hid her hands behind her back.

Thinking of the blood on the broken glass in the morning, I get it.On the one hand, it was deliberate temptation, on the other hand, it was genuine concern. I couldn't understand it, and sighed deeply. "Don't think too much about it." She comforted me gently, "I don't have a father or a mother... Hey, let's just say you...are you alone, right?" "Yes." I replied dejectedly. "I'm alone too." She seemed to be very happy to continue, "My mother died of edema in the winter of 1960, because there was no food. I was only thirteen years old at that time, and I was very sad. But what What to do? Those who are alive have to live! People, I heard the old people say that death is like a lamp going out. I'm coming." Suddenly, she changed into a naughty and flirtatious expression and asked me: "Did you see me dancing this morning?"

"What? Dance?" "'Loyalty Dance'! I found a place to stand facing your window, and I danced it just for you to watch. I will give you peace of mind and relieve your troubles." "'Loyalty dance'? What 'loyalty dance'?" "Hey! You've made people fool you. It's the 'loyalty dance' to show loyalty to Chairman Mao! The newest one. We just learned it last night. Now everyone dances this dance outside, even old men in their 60s and 70s, All the old ladies are dancing! It’s so beautiful! You can lie on the gap tomorrow morning and watch! I’ll only dance for you..."

When I woke up the next morning, I found another tortilla next to my pillow.While I was eating, the tweeters and whistles sounded like yesterday morning. Curiously, I lay down next to the gap in the broken glass, and saw the military reclamation soldiers pulling their shoes, rubbing their sleepy eyes, yawning, and gathering from the dormitory to the playground.They lined up, counted, and danced to the beat of the music.The dance is a series of ferocious movements, like the battle dance of the African natives in the bush or the Australian Maori, but without the rough humor and passion of that dance, it is stiff and stiff. , Simulation of the physical displacement of the machine.

However, I saw her.She was facing the window, full of enthusiasm, and her beautiful face was shining in the morning light.She changed the angle a little bit between raising her hands and feet, allowing her plump and soft limbs and waist to swing according to the natural rhythm, and turned those series of vicious movements into graceful dancing postures.When she leaped forward, the rough and fat green cloth military uniform did not cover up her graceful lines, but the protruding parts of her body were fully displayed like sails, and her outstretched arms were like the wings of a bird, as if She looked like she was about to fly away.

I see beauty in her.However, how could she dance this so-called grotesque dance so movingly?I suddenly realized: her concern and comfort for me was not just out of sympathy!But love! I fell down on the plank.It was not being intoxicated by love, but two feelings mingled and bumping against me.One is a subtle intuition that tells me she is sincere.She met me in this impoverished and rough environment, and perhaps I fit into some kind of imagination or fantasy she had set up long ago, and her girlish heart fell in love with me at first sight regardless of the current situation.But on the other hand, self-danger, pain, confusion, and doubts have filled my heart, and there is no room for tenderness.Moreover, I was disturbed and dismayed by the way she dared to use what I thought to be a shallow but serious political ritual to express personal love.In the end, the latter overcame the former, a dark instinct of self-preservation prevailed, and instead of thrilling me with joy, the expression of her love aroused in me an inexplicable terror.I resolved to reject her tenderness for me, cautiously seeking to avoid another catastrophe. On this day, before going to work, the female soldiers took us to the back of the army reclamation soldier queue, and listened to the mobilization of the "company chief" Liu Jun to weed weeds.He said that from now until the end of August, the entire company will be engaged in the battle of weeding rice fields. Grass shortage is serious.We came to the rice fields with the army reclamation soldiers, and saw that the light brown flowers of the three-edged grass and the sharp reed leaves completely covered the rice.After the weeds were gone, only a few thin rice seedlings were floating on the water. The female soldiers sat on the farm canal, and we "prisoners" lined up in a row in the paddy field, and in the next field was a group of army reclamation soldiers. I didn't have a chance to talk to her alone.When I finished work, I deliberately lagged behind, waiting for her and Mr. Troublesome. "From now on, you don't need to deliver food anymore..." The two of them walked up, and I said to her gloomily. "Stop saying these things." Today, she looked very nervous and couldn't help looking around. "I have another important thing to show you, it was just sent out yesterday." "Huh?" This novel thing interrupted my train of thought, "Then... you still go through the window at night..." "No! It says that class enemies are never allowed to see it. It's not safe to do so. Do you know that Xiao Shunzi is watching you secretly. If he finds out, it will be terrible. I will find a reason to take you and this lunatic away in two days. Go to the cornfield and water it, and I'll show you there." Such secrecy must be the central document on how those of us deal with it.I swallowed my refusal, hoping she would give me a lifeline. Back in the cell, Xiao Shunzi was eating pie. "Hey, my buddies told me that there are many small cars in the company today, and there is also a 'Volga'. Mom! Little people ride in big cars, and big people ride in small cars. Look, there must be people from the regiment or division. He must have come for our number!" Xiao Shunzi has many little "buddies" from Beijing and Tianjin, who often visit him during the day.They did not go through legal channels, but also used the piece of glass broken by Wang Fuhai to deliver food and news. Sure enough, when she brought lunch, she conveyed the order of the "company chief" and asked Dr. Li to go to the office of the company department. It seemed that the higher-ups had started to deal with us people, and for the first time I became a little excited. "Stop eating the cornbread, Doctor Li." Xiao Shunzi snatched away Doctor Li's chopsticks, "Go now, mother! The chief will make sure you have a meal of braised pork." In the afternoon, Dr. Li was escorted back by the little girl when we had already weeded in the fields.With a dejected look on his face, he went down the rice field tremblingly. "What's the matter?" We all slowly moved closer to him. "Alas—" Dr. Li sighed, raised his head and looked around, "I...I did something wrong..." It turned out that it was the military representatives of the Corps Military Management Committee and the Division Military Management Committee who came to investigate the cause of Song Zheng's death.Before calling Dr. Li to the office, Liu Jun and another division chief had already "greeted" Dr. Li in another room, asking him to prove that Song Zheng "had appendicitis." Everyone knows that Dr. Li graduated from West China University School of Medicine in 1945 and has more than 20 years of clinical experience.His proof is more powerful than ever. "...What should I do? In front of the representatives of the corps and the division, Company Commander Liu and the head of the division kept staring at me. If I made a mistake, the consequences would be unimaginable! Later... Later, I had to write a proof. I thought, Let’s talk about it later when we go out. According to the tone of the military representative who came from the division, the family of Deputy Division Commander Song filed a complaint with Beijing..." We were very disappointed.After stopping for a while, Lao Qin suddenly squeezed out a cold sentence from between his teeth: "Do you still want to get out alive?" "This... this..." Dr. Li looked at him in horror, his hand holding the weeds trembled. "Think about it," Lao Qin analyzed, "The real circumstances of Song Zheng's death are only known to us. Now that you are being used by them to give a false certificate, do you think they will believe you? You say you will talk about it later when you go out." , They also expected you to have this trick, and you became their hidden danger. Now, you are still in their hands, and they can only feel at ease if you are killed first. Look, Song Zheng's next one, It's you!" "Ah... ah..." Dr. Li's face was pale, and he dangled in the water as if he was drunk.I hastened to support him. And as Lao Qin expected, signs of new persecution soon emerged. When the sun was westward, Liu Jun swaggered to the field to check the quality.He stood on the ridge to see whether the grass in the field was clean or not, and then picked out a handful of weeds that had been left on the ridge, and examined them one by one. We all held our breath, as if we were waiting. Sentencing. "Li Fangwu, this grass is behind your butt, you put it on it, right?" He said with a smile on his face, "Come here, come here. Come here! No one wants to eat you." Dr. Li slumped and crawled to the side of the field, and stood in front of him in a dazed state. "Look! Count how many rice seedlings are in this grass." Suddenly, his face changed, and he shouted, "Say! Tell me! What is your intention? To destroy? Hahaha... He bared his teeth and grinned, "I can't see that you still have such a skill. A biting dog doesn't bark, but comes secretly! What's wrong with you, the dictatorship of the proletariat? You hate it so much. Come up! Come up! You give me Come up to the ridge!..." More than a hundred pairs of eyes were fixed on Dr. Li in the whole rice field.Dr. Li had lost consciousness and the ability to distinguish, and stood on the ridge of the field with his head down and shoulders down.Liu Jun called two male soldiers and tied the weeds on the ridge into two large bundles. One bundle was hung around Dr. Li's neck, and a straw rope was wrapped around his head. In the hands of a male soldier. "Take it to parade! Tell him to show the public! If you don't hit you, you won't fall! The bull's head is not rotten, so spend more charcoal! My surname is Liu, I don't believe in the system and you bourgeoisie..." The gray-black mud covered Dr. Li's gray hair and beard, and trickled down his body.He was like a tired animal, being led and dragged along the field ridge and canal. When he crossed the field, he fell again and rolled into a mud ball. The rice field was full of laughter and cursing. cry: "Haha, the director has put on a fox fur collar..." "This guy, a pair of leather shoes used to be worth sixty yuan, now let him taste like a barefoot doctor..." "Hey, Jin Guangming (this is probably the male soldier leading him), your donkey has drunk ink..." I peeked at her sitting under the shade of the tree, but she had already turned her back. In the evening, Dr. Li couldn't eat, and lay on the kang with tears all over his face: "What should I do? Old Qin, unfortunately, it's right!... In the future, they will definitely do what you said, and they will not let me go. They will kill me its me……" Lao Qin winked at me.The two of us sat down in my little shop. "What do you think?" Old Qin asked me. "What can I do now? I just think this... This is indeed scarier than punching and kicking!" "Naive!" Lao Qin squinted at me dissatisfied, "This is the prelude to punching and kicking, and the more serious ones are yet to come. Is this what we are doing and there is nothing we can do?" My mind was so messed up that I couldn't think of anything to do. "I remember you mentioned the relationship between Song Zheng and Beijing." Lao Qin said, "We must find a way to get in touch with Song Zheng's lover, and tell her the cause of Song Zheng's death and the real situation of our so-called study class. Tell her that we can prove that Song Zheng died of torture, but we must ensure the safety of our witnesses. Let her appeal to Beijing and let Song Zheng's old chief intervene. You know his lover. You know, they are afraid It’s you, me, and Dr. Li, the three intellectuals. After finishing Dr. Li, it’s you and me. Killing people to silence them is the usual method of these people.” I know that when Song Zheng was in Jiangxi and during the Long March, he served as a security guard for a senior leader of the army who had not yet been defeated at that time. Song Zheng was named by this senior leader. Before the Cultural Revolution, they often wrote letters. come and go.Song Zheng and his wife Wang Yufang were married after entering the city in 1949. She was a shrewd and capable female cadre. Before the Cultural Revolution, she was a person in charge of the Municipal Women's Federation. , the problem is not big.She is not only Song Zheng's virtuous wife, but also his right-hand man. In the past, Song Zheng relied on her to read documents and approve notes. "Well, this is a way." I said, "but is it appropriate? You know our current status and situation, under the dictatorship of the proletariat..." "Hi!" Lao Qin frowned, "You are full of bookishness! Now there are two headquarters, do you know which headquarters these people like Liu Jun belong to? Chairman Mao taught us: We must survive in struggle. Xiaoshi , now you, me, and his life can be preserved, it’s all about this.” "But..." I said hesitantly, "How can I get in touch with Wang Yufang? Now I can't even send a letter." Lao Qin stared at me with two piercing eyes: "It's up to you." "Me? What can I do? I think Xiao Shunzi..." "No!" Old Qin glanced at Kang, "His 'brothers' belong to what Chairman Mao called 'homeless and proletarians', 'sometimes they can fight bravely, but they are destructive'. Say. Don't lie to me. I see that Jo girl is interested in you. You will use her to send you letters." "I, I..." I blushed all of a sudden, but knowing that we "prisoners" are inseparable every day, I can't deny this, "But... can she take the risk of sending me a letter?" "That—it depends on how you do her job." I was stared down by his two piercing eyes.Seeing that I was silent, he said again: "Xiao Shi, at such a juncture of life and death, I can no longer be full of bookishness. You and I have suffered from being full of bookishness in the past! I only know now: living in our country is inseparable from politics. If you don't recruit it , it wants to find you, and you can't hide it even if you want to. Your brother was in a coma in 1957, praising humanitarianism, didn't he fall for the "Yangmou" later? Now you are in prison, and Having a broken family and wanting to be clean and chivalrous in the middle ages, not asking the ladies to take risks, or wanting to be in a serious relationship, like in a novel, can you do it? Honestly, The one surnamed Qiao is a silly girl, but you are someone who has stumbled, and should understand utilitarianism. Now you have to win over her, use her, and let her be our "fortress household"..."