Chapter 5 Chapter Two (Part 2)

Chapter Two (Part 2) 6 When I was being taught in a tofu factory, sitting opposite X Haiying and grinding my ass, and feeling pain from hemorrhoids, I came up with many weird inventions.Every time I think about it, I can't help but smile. X Haiying later said, looking at me laughing like a ghost, I really wish I could be hung up with a thin lead wire, and then I would light two candles under the soles of my feet, so that I could figure out why I was laughing.She always thinks that when I smile, I laugh at her.If I want to laugh at her, there are still funny things.For example, she insisted on wearing that old army uniform.On the little padded jacket that was threaded under the old military uniform, there were two large marks of oil, which could be compared to the luster of lacquered furniture.Stuff like that might be laughable, but I couldn't laugh at her.She is the secretary of the Communist Youth League, and I am an underachiever, not the same kind of person.It's not a kind of person who can't laugh.When I laugh, I'm always laughing at myself.Even if she hung me up and lit candles under my feet, I would just keep screaming, but nothing could come out.Because people will always come up with some strange ideas, which they can neither control nor explain.

I didn't invent a way to stop hunger in times of hunger, but neither did anyone else.Someone invented a method of cooking rice to make it close to jelly (referred to as the double steaming method). Although there is a lot of rice, eating it is particularly diuretic.Running to the toilet consumes energy, and energy is very precious when food is scarce, so this method is not good.In fact, many people eat double steamed rice, which causes swelling and even accelerates death, but no one says double steamed rice is bad, because it is a matter of deceiving oneself.My younger brother has grown up now, has no color blindness, has learned stage art, and likes inventions like his older brothers. He told me recently that he invented a performance art that allows people to enjoy the moon on the sea anywhere in the world. The best way is to take a basin of clear water and squat behind the basin when the moon rises.These two inventions are actually of the same kind.As a graduate of the Department of Mathematics, I understand the world in this way: it can be a zero-dimensional space or an infinite-dimensional space.If you can eat enough, you will enter a one-dimensional space.If you can avoid grinding your butt and getting hemorrhoids, you will enter the two-dimensional space.If you can create and invent, you will enter the three-dimensional space, and then you can enter the infinite-dimensional space, so as to reverse the universe.The double steaming method and my brother's performance art are inventions in zero-dimensional and one-dimensional spaces.These things are like a mule's dick -- not the same thing.

While sitting in front of X Haiying and grinding my butt, I came up with several inventions, but unfortunately I didn't have a notebook at hand, so I forgot them before I wrote them down.Only the most serious of these can come to mind: impellers installed above men's urinals in toilets, using the impact of fluid to generate electricity.Every time I think of one, I smile.If she happened to look up at this moment, she would shout: What are you laughing at?What are you laughing at?tell me! The same woman has different thoughts on smiling. For example, my wife, when I was a graduate student, was the secretary of the Youth League Committee. When I was sitting on the edge of the rostrum during the meeting, I found a black-faced beard on the far side of the third row. The man always has a mysterious smile on his face, and his heart is rippling.I took out the seat chart and checked, and it turned out that it was Wang Er from the Department of Mathematics—it would be easy to know the name.It was already 1984.When we listen to political reports, we always take seats according to the numbers, and credits will be deducted for whoever has an empty seat.If I can find a popsicle seller, I will ask him to sit for me, and I will sell popsicles for him.Unexpectedly, when the weather got colder, the popsicle seller stopped coming; so she could not only see me, but also track me down and start a romance.

My wife is petite and exquisite, very cute.She is always chewing gum in her mouth, and her mouth is full of big bubbles; no matter who she sees, the first thing she says is: Do you want to eat sugar?Then he handed over a handful of gum.She told me that when other people smile, they start from the corners of their mouths, but I smile from left to right, like the revolving door at the entrance of a big hotel, which looks very weird.She said she married me just to see me smile.I'm skeptical about that, because she's always oozing when we're fucking together, and it doesn't look like she's faking it; so it's not very plausible that we're just a happy marriage.

I know I have a problem with smiling for no reason, but I can't see what it's like to smile.This is like a person who cannot hear his snoring or see his hemorrhoids.We didn't see it until we went to Europe that year and went to the Louvre.We were on the second floor and found a lot of people.A fat French woman in the middle of the crowd shouted, "Noflash! Noflash!" at the top of her voice.My wife gave me the satchel on her back, the change in her pocket, etc., leaned on the ground, and crawled in between the other's legs.After a while, he yelled inside: Wang Er, come quickly!This is you!Then I squeezed in before I died and saw the Mona Lisa.This girl is really a little difficult to laugh, and I don't know how to describe it.In short, if someone smiles at you like that on an Italian bus, it means someone is picking your pocket; if someone smiles like that at you in a social setting in the UK, it means that the middle of your trousers is not zipped properly.Although I squeezed out several buttons on my body, I think it is worth it.Because it solves a lot of mysteries.It was the kind of smile that hung on my face, sometimes flattering, sometimes offensive, especially when it made people think the smile was directed at him.For example, if you are an elementary school teacher, you only earn 36 yuan a month, and you have to work overtime to tell the story of Uncle Lei Feng to your students.How do you feel when one of your little brats is smiling at you like a Mona Lisa.So she must force me to admit that I am a pig, which I will talk about soon.Later, I wrote my father’s name and wrote a letter to the Education Bureau about this matter. I said that Uncle Lei Feng helped others and did good deeds all his life. If we knew that because of him, a twelve-year-old child would become A pig, his spirit in heaven must be disturbed; my teacher was criticized by the Education Bureau for this.These are the things that a smile provokes.

Even now, I sometimes cannot help smiling, and as a result, I have made many enemies.Laughing like this at the job title evaluation meeting is just laughing at others' lack of level; laughing at the house distribution meeting is just laughing at everyone who has no room to live in and is forced to tear and bite together.All in all, because of this smile, I have become a hater and laugher.To this end I came up with another invention: platinum electrodes were implanted in my face.Once the bioelectric potential detects that I am smiling, a strong pulse is released, causing me to foam at the mouth and roll all over the floor.If this invention were realized, there would be no more people with annoying smiles in the world, just a few more epileptics.

7 When I was in elementary school, I was not allowed to go home after six classes for a while, and had to add two extracurricular activities.Extracurricular activities are not allowed, let them sit there and grind their ass.Fortunately, children have strong blood supply and are not prone to hemorrhoids.When I was in fifth grade, I had a female teacher who was fat and tall, with breasts like watermelons and buttocks like pumpkins, her eyes were as big as oranges, and her voice was like thunder.I resented her—which explains why I later married a thin, small woman—not to mention that she wouldn't let me go home after school and had to add an extracurricular activity.So I don't listen to what she says, instead I think wildly.Suddenly she called me up, and complained to me for a while, saying that she also wanted to go home early, but the Education Bureau ordered political and ideological education, what can I do, etc. These words are too adult for me.The word "adult" tends to make people think of bare buttocks, but what I mean is politics, which is the opposite in nature—then he asked me a question: Uncle Lei Feng said that people do not live to eat, but eat to live.What do you think?I replied: It doesn't matter whether you are alive or not, you must eat.The teacher immediately announced that there are people in our class who look the same as others, but have a pig's outlook on life.There were more than forty children in our class, and I was the only one who was declared a pig.

Things like this were originally the biggest stain in my life, and I couldn't tell anyone, but X Haiying forced me to confess it.After hearing this, she hurriedly wrote a book: When she was in elementary school, her thinking was backward and she was criticized by the teacher.Then she said to me: Confess one more thing, and let you go home after finishing talking.But I really can't say anything, I can only spend time with her until it gets dark.During the teaching time, I said to X Haiying: Party secretary, I want to talk about some ideas.She quickly put a smile on her face and said: Welcome to Live Thoughts.I just said, I wonder if there's any use in grinding my ass here.She scowled again and asked me to explain my wording.I started to explain, first talking about the question of "does it work".For example, this is the case: When I was a child, the teacher asked me about Uncle Lei Feng, and I gave a backward answer.In fact, I will answer progressively, but I know I can't answer that way.Suppose I answer: Of course, people eat to live; is there any other answer?The teacher would say: You are late for class nine times out of ten, you scold the teacher behind your back, and you pull the pigtails of your female classmates; you actually have a better mind than Lei Feng?This really makes Shi Kechi yawn—why did you open your stinky mouth!Instead of being scolded in class, it's better to admit that you are a pig.Accounts like this, I always calculate clearly.To be honest, it is not a day or two for me to learn to be bad.At this point, X Haiying still doesn't understand.She said that the way your elementary school teacher did his job was a bit crude.But what does this have to do with what's going on now?In fact, what I asked her was: Is it useful for me to confess here and so on?If it is still unavoidable to go to the study class in the end, I would rather go early, go early and come back early.In other words, my question is this: Is the so-called help and education a Catch22.After spending a lot of time talking, X Haiying showed a mysterious smile and said: Good!I know what you said.do you have anything else?

What I mean by these words is this: In times of revolution, I am always ready to admit that I am a pig in exchange for peace.In fact, X Haiying didn't understand the meaning of these words.Her answer was also wrong.At that time, I thought this kind of answer was "you can rest assured", so I started to talk about the second question: grinding the ass.The problem is this: I have long shoulders and narrow hips, sitting on a hard bench, the local pressure is very high.I have never sat in an office, lack of exercise in this area, and nine out of ten men have hemorrhoids, so hemorrhoids are very serious.First it was internal hemorrhoids, then external hemorrhoids, and then developed into thrombosed hemorrhoids, which was a bit unbearable.If grinding my ass here is going to help, I'd like to take a few days off to get my surgery done.If you get rid of your worries, you will be able to spend a longer time here. X Haiying laughed loudly and said: "If you are sick, of course you need to be treated."But if I were you, I wouldn't take sick leave.Persisting in work despite illness is an advanced deed, which is good for you to pass the test.When I heard her talking about collecting my advanced deeds, I thought it was evidence that she really wanted to save me, so I became more energetic and determined to bleed my ass with my illness.

After a long time, X Haiying told me that when I mentioned hemorrhoids, I had a sad smile on my face, and I looked very cute.But at the time I didn't think I was cute at all.Later, I got rid of the miserable status of a backward youth, but the factory still thought I was a troublemaker and couldn't stay in the factory, so they sent me to dig an air-raid shelter.After digging out the hole, I was sent to the militia squad, and together with a bunch of bad boys, went to the park green area to catch the wild mandarin ducks that mate in the middle of the night. When they met, they coughed and said: Put on your clothes and come with us!Just take it to the office and let them write the inspection.At that time, they also had pitiful smiles on their faces, and they looked really fun.But they must not find it amusing themselves.In the autumn of 1976, another pair was caught. The man was in his forties, wearing a thin woolen coat, and his complexion looked like he had advanced liver cancer.The girl was pretty, wearing a blue cloth uniform with a red sweater underneath, and her face was pale.The pair didn't smile wryly at all, and it didn't look like fun.Ask them: what did you do?

A: You did something bad.Ask again: How many times did you do it?A: This paragraph has not been interrupted since the chairman passed away. After speaking, he trembled violently, as if he was being electrocuted.It was a period of national mourning, and the behavior of the couple was a manifestation of excessive mourning.We looked at each other, each with a wry smile on their faces, and said to them: Go home, don't come out again.From then on, I felt that the things the superiors asked us to do were quite boring.This incident is to show that during the revolutionary period, some people are always teasing others, and some people are being teased by others.The gray face was covered with a layer of cold sweat, and on top of it was a wrinkled, wet smile, which was a tribute to the victor.That's how I talk about hemorrhoids, and that's how those wild mandarin ducks in the park confess.If there is no such miserable smile, it becomes naked barbarism, and it is not fun at all. Now when I talk about cutting my wrists when I was a child, talking about being hungry, and talking about being taught by a helper, I still have a miserable smile on my face.This kind of laughter is exactly the same as that of the wild mandarin ducks having sex in the park when they are captured.Fuck in a park and get caught only once in 10 times.So this is also a kind of color.No matter how big the difference between this kind of lottery and helping and teaching is, one thing is the same, that is, people who don't win the lottery look equally cute when they smile. 8 I have something to add about cuteness.When I was working on the pagoda, I often confide in Zhan Ba: "Zhan Ba, you are so cute"!After hearing this, he said: I fuck your mother, you want to hate it again, don't you?It wasn't long before I started singing a rephrased Albanian folk song: You, lovely big Zhanba, are even more beautiful if you have blue eyes. No matter what the song is, as long as it is sung from my mouth, it can only be described as miserable.Zhan Ba ​​listened calmly, and suddenly picked up a wrench or a screwdriver and rushed towards me.But don't worry about me, if I get hit by him, I won't be called Wang Er, and he won't be called Zhan Ba ​​either.There is one thing that can prove that Zhan Ba ​​loves me - I went to take the university entrance examination in 1978, and Zhan Ba ​​stayed in the reception room every day when the results were announced.When he got my admission letter, he rushed to the tower and told me: "Mathematics Department of Normal University! You are going to go away!!".Not everyone is lucky enough to be born Zhanba, and there is a Wang Er who loves him to death, so he also won a big lottery.That's the thing about cuteness.In the past, I only knew that Zhan Ba ​​was cute, but after X Haiying thought I was cute, I realized what a disaster being cute is. I went to X Haiying when I was being tutored, and she always smiled and lowered her head, talking to me in a strange sentence pattern.For example, I said: Secretary, I am here.She said: Welcome, sit down.If I say: party secretary, I want to be honest and live my thoughts.She said: Welcome to live ideas, let's talk.No matter what she said, she always said welcome first.If she was looking for my pleasure, she was as calm as usual, fiddling with a ballpoint pen in her hand.If she is serious, those words are really confusing.Now I know that she was carefully admiring my cuteness at that time.It drives me crazy just thinking about it. When I was "helping and teaching" with X Haiying, some things happened again.In the winter of that year, the superior instructed that a "campaign to strengthen social security" should be carried out, and various sentencing meetings were held endlessly.Of course, this is to scare the chickens and monkeys.I am such a monkey, so I have to go to every meeting.At the city-level sentencing meeting, some people were pulled out and killed.At the district-level sentencing meeting, some people were sent to labor camps.Then at the sentencing meeting at the company level, all the students in the study class stood on the stage. After the meeting, several of them were sent to labor camps.Finally, we have to hold a factory meeting. X Haiying assured me that this was just a criticism meeting, and the criticism was only that I beat Zhan Ba, nothing else, it was not a sentencing meeting, but I couldn't believe it, and thought that even if it wasn't a sentencing meeting this time, sooner or later it would change. into a sentencing meeting.Later I told her that I am pessimistic by nature and I might cry on the spot.She said cry if you can, it's a sign of repentance, and it'll do you a lot of good.So at the meeting that day, I stood in front of the meeting and burst into tears.Several middle-aged female masters couldn't take it anymore, and cried with me, and even wiped my tears with big towels; the rest of them glared at Zhan Ba.As soon as the meeting ended, Zhan Ba ​​pounced on me and said that I was pretending to be pretty.He meant that I plotted against him again, and he wanted to beat me; but he didn't have the guts to beat me.The cutest thing about Zhan Ba ​​is that he clenched his fists tightly and wanted to pounce, but he didn't dare to really pounce.If there is someone like this around you, you will fall in love with him too. Criticism is like that.Lao Lu was very dissatisfied, saying that this meeting did not destroy the arrogance of the bad guys.When I stepped out of the venue, she suddenly jumped at me.This time, there were people everywhere, and there was nowhere to escape, so I was hugged by her waist.I had already made a plan for this situation, so I immediately held my breath and fell down straight forward.When they turned me over, they saw that my eyes were closed, my teeth were clenched, and I was out of breath.According to eyewitnesses, not only was my face pale, but I also had the green of a corpse on my cheekbones.In a hurry, I called Xiaoqian, the factory doctor, and took my pulse, but I didn't know it.I listened to my heart with a stethoscope, but I didn’t hear it (I felt she heard my right chest go up), and when I took the needle to pierce my middle, I don’t know whether it was my face that was tense or her hands shaking, no matter how I pricked do not enter.So quickly carried me on a tricycle and sent me to the hospital.When I lifted it up, I was as hard as if I had just been lifted out of the cold storage.As soon as I left the factory, I was all right, jumping around.Lao Lu was very dissatisfied with my trick, and said: Next time Wang Er loses his breath, he will not be sent to the hospital, but directly to the crematorium! A brief summary of the security movement and the help society can be summarized as follows: It was an event during the revolutionary period.Like many events in that period, the result was that some people were killed, some people were locked up, and some people were controlled-going to work every day as usual, but with a sad face.Things like this are always so layered.People in custody may be sent to be locked up, people locked up may be sent to be killed, anything can happen, you have to be patient.My mistake was that I died before people came to kill me. After these things happened, X Haiying told me: You are going to die.If you make so many troubles again, I can't save you, and you will definitely be sent to a study class.I didn't think it was like scaring me. I was very frightened and said: You—you—you can save me.We have a good relationship with Zhan Ba.Before that, not only did I not stutter, but I also spoke as fast as a Japanese.That time I stuttered before, and it has not healed until now.Now I use two methods to overcome stuttering. One is to silently recite the number of times I expect to stutter in my mind before speaking.Another way is to slap your forehead hard before speaking, pretending to have suddenly realized, or to beat mosquitoes, but this method is not good, because there are no mosquitoes in winter, and people will ask you if you have eaten at twelve o'clock at noon. But if you suddenly realize it, isn't it like amnesia?Worst of all, I sometimes suffer from panting and sometimes amnesia, and it turns out that my current colleagues don't call me panting or amnesia.If you say something about me, you won’t believe it, but it’s better to say it: they say that I have a dirty heart and a deep city, and I often make small reports in front of the leaders to frame Zhongliang.But I've never done anything like this.This is all a fault of being frightened by X Haiying. And X Haiying was very proud of this, and whenever he saw anyone, he said: I scared Wang Er so much that he gasped!Everyone laughed.This public humiliation did nothing to help my stutter, it only made it worse.Of course, I can't blame X Haiying for my stuttering.The leadership also played a big role in killing chickens and monkeys.Seeing those guys who were about to be taken to the execution ground at the sentencing meeting, they were all tied up and tied up, and there were several people in custody, even if they turned somersaults, they would not be able to escape.And those who were sent to labor camps all had big shaved heads, frowning, and complained about why their parents gave birth to them.Things like this, if they can be avoided, are better avoided.So I asked X Haiying for help, weeping and very earnest.She told me that my main problem is that I am not good. People who are not good these days are either sentenced to prison or shot.I asked her how to look good.She told me that the first rule is to go to the meeting.It is better to say this sentence: I want to go to the venue to grind my ass. X Haiying told Zhan Ba ​​that Wang Er is a funny kid, he can draw fake collars and pretend to be dead.But I don't know anything about these words.At the time, I didn't know she was talking about me like that, and if I knew it, I would have strangled her to death. 9 No matter who you are, you must be familiar with butt grinding.Or someone pushes you to that chair and grinds your butt alone, or a large group of people grinds together. The latter situation is called a meeting.All in all, you don't want to sit there but you have to sit, which is called grinding your ass.The reason why I am a pessimist has a lot to do with grinding my ass.As you'll see later, my ass is rough.But X Haiying asked me to go to a meeting, and I had to go. People in revolutionary times are always related to some kind of meeting.For example, a party member is a collection of participants in party meetings, a league member is a collection of participants in regiment meetings, and a worker is a collection of participants in team meetings and factory meetings.In the past, I hardly held any meetings, because I was neither a party member nor a member of the League, and my team consisted of me and Zhan Ba, so I couldn't hold meetings.As for the factory meeting, there were a lot of people attending, and I couldn't tell if it was missing, so I just slipped away, but I was not the only one with this attitude, so I could see it in the end.For a while, Lao Lu ordered the factory door to be locked during the general meeting, but I was very good at climbing walls.Later, she called roll call at the meeting, and her wages were deducted for absence.I asked Zhan Ba ​​to answer for me when roll roll was called.I am not the only one who adopts these methods, so when the whole factory meeting is held, there are often only seventy or eighty people in the audience, but when the names of three hundred people are called, everyone responds, at least one person responds, and as many as seven or eight people Yes, it all depends on the popularity of the individual.Of course, Lao Lu is not a fool.Once during the roll call, he stretched out his fingers to hold Zhan Ba ​​and shouted: You!That tall, thin guy with big eyes!You are Zhan Ba, Wang Er, Zhang San, and Li Si; what is your name?Zhan Ba ​​stared wide-eyed and thought for a long time, then replied: I don't even know what my name is!Such is the case with meetings. After I was "helped and taught", X Haiying asked me to go to more meetings, not only the whole factory meeting, but also the group meeting, where I sat behind the group members to receive education.If I have to hold a meeting when I go to the rogue class, now I can stay in the factory, why not hold some meetings?It's just that she asked me not to be in a daze during the meeting, which is a bit difficult.So when I have a meeting, I always make a big mug of tea (put a couple of tea powders in it), and take several packs of low-quality cigarettes with me.There are so many stems in those cigarettes, if you don’t rub them carefully with your fingers, you won’t be able to inhale the fire; after rubbing and sucking, you can’t lower your head, as soon as you lower your head, the contents of the cigarette will all slide to the ground, leaving only an empty paper tube in your hand mouth.Having a cigarette in my mouth would keep me upright and nothing else, because I wasn't addicted to cigarettes at the time, and I didn't inhale at all.When it burns close to my lips and the smoke smokes my eyes, I take a puff and shoot the tip out of the cigarette paper.At the beginning, I blew in places where no one was around, and then I practiced shooting flies, and gradually reached the state of hitting every shot.It's not too difficult to get the hang of it, just wait patiently for the fly to get close, and when it's hovering in the air, aim between its eyes and fire.But in the eyes of laymen, it is simply magical.A fly was flying, and suddenly sparks flew, and it fell to the ground and rolled over. This scene also looked exciting.Later, some members of the regiment sat next to me, asked me for cigarettes, and asked me how to shoot flies; and then there was a constant sound of "pow pup" in the venue, and the fireworks were flying like shooting stars in the dark night.Finally some idiot blew a cigarette butt onto the cotton door curtain and nearly started a fire.In the end, X Haiying didn't ask me to go to the meeting, and she also said that I was a rotten wood that could not be carved.Regarding this matter, I now have the following views: since people eat when they are hungry, drink water when they are thirsty, want to have sex when they reach a certain age, and are in a daze when they are in a meeting place, they are all helpless; so eating, drinking, having sex and having sex Being in a daze belongs to the category of natural human rights.If a person makes a mistake, he can be punished in other ways, but it cannot make him stop being dazed.Failure to do so can cause a fire. If I were asked to draw a buttocks grinder, I would draw a Taishi chair, the surface of which is as clean as a mirror, and a human face painted on it, like a reflection.Chairs are always worn down, but the same is not true of the butt.There are two areas on my butt that are as rough as sandpaper. When my wife found out, she spread it everywhere: "Our second son's ass is like a shark".In fact, a man of my age doesn't have a butt like this. 10 X Haiying refused to let me go to the meeting, but she also refused to let me go home, telling me to sit in her office.In this way, as much ass is rubbed by others, I will also rub as much ass, so I appear to be more obedient.Besides that, she locked the door from the outside.According to her, this has two advantages: one is to prevent Lao Lu from rushing in, and the other is that when I was imprisoned here, I have nothing to do with what paintings appeared in the men's room.I think it is for my own good to lock me up, so I have no objection.In that room, apart from a desk, a chair, a stool, and a curtain, behind the curtain is a bed. X Haiying's family lives far away, and she usually sleeps in the factory.The screen windows were nailed on the outside of that house, which was quite tight.Once, in a panic, I untied the rope she was hanging from the curtain, threw it over the beam, climbed out of the skylight and ran away.The rope is a nylon rope, thin and hard.Stretched my palms. Knowing that I ran away, X Haiying didn't say anything, but replaced the rope hanging the curtain with thin lead wire.After that, I didn't run outside. I just sat on the stool and hugged my head with both hands.After grinding like this, I got hemorrhoids. I always like to look out the window when I'm locked in the X Seahawk.Watching others pass by the window, looking at the bare branches of the big trees in the yard.In fact, there is nothing to see outside the window, and I just came in from the window.But being locked up means being eager to get out, just as getting your butt rubbed means being eager to get up and go.These forced things always put a countersignal in my mind.If there are too many such signals in the brain, the person will become demented.