Chapter 4 Part 1 Chapter 4

Chapter Four I went to the girl's house in the publishing department and brought a bottle of Remy Martin.She lives in a garden apartment in the suburbs with a cherry tree in the yard.Every time I go to her place, she will take me to see that tree.The tree was big and curved, and it could be used by several people to hang themselves. Seeing it, I felt an ominous feeling in my heart.The garden is dark at night, and an old tree doesn't look good at all.After watching the tree and returning to the living room, she asked me to play with her for a while, and said: Take it easy.We are friends.When I was "relaxed" the first time, I was the former Russian admiral Potemkin, and this official is really big; but she was Tsar Ekaterina.So I got down on one knee and kissed her hand, and brought a cake, said to be the head of the Sultan of Turkey.She made me eat it all and I didn't want to eat for three days.Last time she was Wu Zetian; I won’t say who I am, so as not to humiliate the ancestors—in a word, I said: The minister’s penis is Wei’an, and she said: Take it out and let me see—is it also called Wei’an like this?Embarrass me.This time she was just a female Red Guard from the last century, with two pigtails, wearing a green military uniform and a cowhide belt, while I was wearing a blue Zhongshan suit and a high hat made of paper. .She shouted loudly: You intellectuals, if you don't beat me for three days, your flesh will itch.I cried and replied: I haven't remolded my mind well -- oh!Wrong, if you go back to the young general, you haven't reformed your mind.She said: Then you have to touch your body first, and then touch your soul.Do you disagree?I said: How dare the small ones.She said: nonsense. When is the "small one", thanks to you being a historian.I really didn't know what to say (how could the Red Guards ask the victim's opinion before beating someone?), so I just said: Even if I deserve death, you can smash the dog's head.Then she said: Go!Clean the toilet!I went to clean the toilet and kitchen, and when I came back, my limbs were sore and my body was bruised.It's weird that she seems more tired than I am, but it's not surprising if you count the bruises on my back.Later, she lay down on the sofa and said: Playing with historians is really enjoyable!The twentieth century was such a romantic century, wasn't it?But I really don't see anything romantic about it.If I had to choose, I would rather be Potemkin.That said, I thought the eighteenth century was more romantic.But I also don't want to compete with the supervisor.

Later I became a philosopher, and it happened like this: I handed in a philosophy thesis, passed the defense, and got a doctorate in philosophy; month's time.Considering that the literature and history supervisor of the Licensing Office of the Publishing Department, that is, my junior sister greeted me, this speed is not too fast.But if no one says hello, I am the greatest philosophical genius since Aristotle.I have two pictures now, one is pink with three holes in it.The other one is bright red, brand new, without holes, like a virgin.Take it out of the wallet and look, it feels really good.But I must always remember that I am not Wu Zetian, I am not Ekaterina, and I am not a Red Guard.Essentially, my uncle and I are one of a kind.Although my uncle couldn't get the license, I could get the license, but I got the license only to make holes in it.In the words of the supervisor, this is called cheap.Like my uncle, I have a little genius, and that's why I'm cheap.

"Biography" came to ask me to finish my uncle's biography, and said, I can write whatever I want, and they won't even review the manuscript.This story tells us: the same thing, if you say it is a novelist's fiction, the problem is very serious; if you say it is a historical fact, the problem is slight, but there is still a problem.If you say that it is a profound metaphor, a symbol of mystery, and a need for speculation, then there is no problem at all.In the first case, you have to answer: why did you pretend to be like this, what is your motive, what is your intention, there is simply no room for excuse.In the second case, you can of course argue that this incident really happened, but people can also stare and say: I don’t think this kind of thing should have happened!In the third case, you just rolled your eyes and said: Want me to explain why I wrote it like this?I explain it, can you understand?Obviously, this last situation is the most beneficial to the author, which is why I desperately want to get a philosophy photo.The reason why newspapers care about these things is: if the author has a problem, the newspaper will also be suspended and fined.So when my uncle's biography started to be serialized again, it was not called a biography, but a philosophical novel.The reader's response was not bad. Someone wrote to the newspaper that Diderot wrote "Lamore's Nephew", and now we have "My Uncle", which is really good.Others say that no matter whether it is a biography or a philosophical novel, it is worth reading now.What I hate is that my colleagues in the philosophical world are always making trouble. For example, a feminist philosopher attacked me and said: "My Uncle" is actually a story about the oppression of individuals in a patriarchal society. Unfortunately, this story been misrepresented.That uncle should be a woman (so she is not my uncle, but my aunt), and F should be a man (so he is not called F, but called M).This is really nonsense. I don't know if my uncle is a man or a woman.Here’s an open secret I’m sure you already know: most feminist philosophers, whether she’s called Julan or Shufen, are just transvestites, wearing turtleneck sweaters to hide their Adam’s apples, and under skirts A pair of high-heeled shoes the size of a sea ship, with an excessive amount of perfume on his body, and his fart sounded like thunder; so that the pay toilets on the street have erected signs: Philosophers are not allowed.You can say that my uncle is a mathematician and a novelist, but you cannot say that he is a philosopher; so no matter whether the society he lives in is a patriarchal society or not, he is still a man.Of course, you could also say that he just happened to be a man.

When it comes to my uncle being a man, I think of my philosophy thesis.As you all know, I skipped the qualifying exams to get my Ph.D., which is very annoying.People from the degree committee are bound to give me some color during the defense, so it is very important to make a thesis.If I do a thesis on philosophy of science, people will question me all the way from astrophysics to advanced mathematics. If I fail to answer, I will immediately attract such comments: What kind of cat or dog will come to take the doctoral exam!Bark like a dog twice, I will let you go.I was doing a thesis on history and philosophy, but they brought out seal characters, Xixia script, and Mayan script to make me recognize them. When I couldn't recognize them, they told me to commit suicide.I relied on my refusal to die, so they said: We know you have a back door and we can't afford to mess with you.Go away, let you pass.From the above description, we can see that philosophy itself is not scary, but related disciplines are scary.Feminist philosophy is actually the best topic. As long as you stand in front of the academic degree committee dressed as a man, the eyes of those female committee members will shine.Besides, apart from Hua Mulan and Fan Lihua, they really have nothing to offer.This situation can explain why there are so many feminist philosophers today.My junior sister also advised me to do feminist philosophy, she said that I have many friends in this area.I would rather endure humiliation than pretend to be a woman.Although I have said that being a woman and child, whether true or false, is a talisman.And one of the most useful talismans is being a low-sapient.

2 After my uncle and F got acquainted, he often visited F's house as a guest. Sometimes he was a stinky old man, sometimes he was Potemkin, and sometimes he was a Jew; sometimes F was a Red Guard, sometimes a female tsar, and sometimes a Nazi.In my story, he has never turned into an old fart, and has always maintained a head of black oily hair and a gloomy expression.It's not historically correct, but I'm a philosopher now, and I'm on another note.The so-called gloomy look is actually a symbol of creativity.It's part of life.I say that my uncle was still creative when he died, which is also not true.In fact, in this sense, life is very short.Some people lived to be thirty years old, some people lived to be forty years old.Some people never lived at all.We know that at the age of sixty, Hemingway felt that he had lost his creativity, so he shot his brain out with a shotgun.Kawabata Yasunari realized that he had no creativity at the age of seventy, so he got a gas pipe.In fact, it takes a long time from losing creativity to realizing it.The two of them actually died much earlier.

I still retain my creativity. Regarding this point, Auntie Yao said this: You are a bit like your uncle, but much worse than him.And my junior sister who is an inspector has another way of expressing it: I want to beat you up as soon as I see it!As we all know, being beaten is not a good taste.Why she beat me up like that is a mystery.Her hair is a bit curly, her complexion is dark, and she always wears black underwear.She also had a summer crepe blouse, white with black spots, and a black ribbon on the collar.To be honest, I was afraid that there would be something wrong with the license, but there was something wrong.I called my junior sister, and she said: You have even made a hole in the philosophy photo, you are really talented!Tell me, what photo do you want this time?I said: I don't want any photos this time.Can you introduce me to the publishing department?She pondered for a while and said: Senior Brother, you have to think about it.If you work here, it is convenient to write anything.But something went wrong, and it was about to punch a hole in the head.I said: just hit it.I'll go to your place tonight, do you want to bring another bottle of Remy Martin?This incident taught me that the so-called creativity actually comes from the death instinct.If people regard creativity as their lifespan, they are actually counting their lifespan as short as possible.Taking the ability to eat and poop as life span is the magic way to prolong life.

The difference between me and my uncle is that I am a little hunchbacked, with pale skin, only some ribs in the chest, and no muscles.It was very unseemly, so I joined a health club and went there to lift dumbbells and do pulleys.After a day of practice, I feel sore muscles, so I will never go again.I have also been to the beach in summer, basking in the sun on the beach there, but I am impatient to lie on the beach for too long.So my skin is still like a white matte paper.The only thing that resembles my uncle is the big gun. Seeing this appearance, my junior sister covered her mouth and laughed and said: Senior brother, you are so funny—put it away quickly.I am not my uncle, nor is my junior sister F.I think she kind of likes me so she's relaxed and giggling, plus she keeps telling me to "put it away" so nothing gets done.For this reason, I did not become a civil servant of the Publishing Department, nor did I become my brother-in-law. This latter status is also called "family member of the Publishing Department", which is a very good amulet.I'm also fooling around with a philosopher's license with two holes punched out - I can still finish my uncle's story with it, but we'll figure out what to do next.