Chapter 10 Red Buddha Running at Night---About Interesting 【Chapter Seven】

Chapter VII This chapter mainly talks about the deeds of Li Weigong. Like the author, he was influenced by Euclid's "Elements of Geometry".As a mathematician, the author believes that the above-mentioned works of Euclid are his enlightenment books of wisdom, just as others have been inspired by the "Bible", "Koran", "Quotations from Chairman Mao" and "Das Kapital". one Li Weigong and Hongfu escaped from Luoyang City and fled to the north, and Qiubeard Gong followed closely behind them.Li Jing said that he had some friends in Taiyuan City and they could settle down.So they walked on the road that was crushed by wheels, and the passing vehicles kept splashing muddy water on them, so they didn't walk for long.They become like the clay models made by sculptors. After walking and resting for a while, they are covered with cracks.This is because it had rained not long ago, and if it hadn't rained, it would have been a different scene: dust was flying everywhere, and the passing vehicles were spreading the dust again, so that every pedestrian looked like a flour worker who was not off duty.If I was born in the Great Sui Dynasty, I would definitely choose rainy days to go on the road, because there is nothing wrong with being dirty, and I don’t want to get silicosis.Rain or no rain, one thing is the same, that is, once a fugitive is on the road, you can never get him back.So Wei Gong and Hong Fu felt very relieved, they never expected that someone was following them.Walking on the road, the world is in chaos.The two of them ran to Taiyuan to join the army.And Qiuran Gong followed to Taiyuan, but didn't get a chance to get close to Hongfu, so he felt bored, so he went to Xiesang.That's how the three of them left Luoyang.

Leaving Luoyang City meant the end of the previous life to the Fengchen Sanxia, ​​which was no different to anyone.But each of them had different content in their previous lives.After Li Jing left Luoyang, he could no longer see the muddy streets, the tall and short pedestrians on the street, and he could no longer go to the distillery street full of distiller's grains to find the small and exquisite Li Erniang.He no longer has a taxi house of his own, and he no longer smells of urine in the house.It's all over.The old game is over and it's time to start a new one.But Li Weigong has always been reluctant to part with Luoyang City. This is because he has not won the round of Luoyang City.No matter what game it's in, it's only interesting to win one game before starting the next.And only those who have lost the bet will cling to the old bet.If he got a Ph.D. here, was in charge of the project, and embezzled the project fee (the reason for the doctorate is to be in charge of the project, and the project is in charge of the embezzlement of the project fee), and then asked Xiaojiabiyu to be his wife, he might be more satisfied when he fled. .Li Weigong had no choice but to leave Luoyang City. At this time, he was full of the feeling of being eliminated.So he started a new game with annoyance.He has long forgotten what kind of round he escaped from-here he was almost crushed and made into buns.If he had kept this in mind, he would not have worked so hard to build Chang'an City later.

Qiubeard trudged through the muddy water, his body was cold, and he was thinking about the noodle soup in Yang's mansion.When I was a doorman under Yang Su's door, if the weather was humid, I would eat noodle soup at night.That kind of soup has noodles as wide as a child's belt, and it contains not only white noodles, but also buckwheat noodles.The soup has shredded seaweed, shrimp skin, coriander, etc., and pepper, which is very delicious.Later, when he wanted to eat this kind of food in Fusang, he couldn’t eat it, because he didn’t know how to speak Fusang dialect, and the cook in Fusang was very bad-tempered. Do!Then he ran out and committed seppuku.So he will never eat this kind of food again.When eating noodles in Yang’s mansion, he held an oak barrel in his hand—porcelain is for the nobles, and lacquerware is for women, so the diners use wooden ones, and martial arts practitioners like him eat a lot, so I used a small bucket, so I was ridiculed as a rice bucket, but it didn't matter, the bucket had a large capacity, and the things contained in it could be full.There are rules when eating in Yang's house, women are not allowed to make noise when eating, because they may eat at the same table with nobles, and diners must smack their lips when they eat, because they are not nobles.So they were ridiculed as a herd of pigs.But none of this mattered, he could eat what he wanted anyway.When he was staring at Hongfu's tip, he was so half-hearted, he wanted to go forward, and he wanted to go back to Luoyang.But he continued to move forward in the muddy water, staring at Hong Fu and Li Jing who were also in the muddy water.No matter what, he didn't want to go back to the garden of Yang's mansion, chewing hemp shoes and sitting on the ground, sneaking peeps at women.What he was thinking at the time was to snatch Hongfu into his hands, but for some unknown reason, he forgot about it later.The reason for the bearded man to leave Luoyang may be jealousy, or desperate love, no matter what it is for, it is really strange that such a strong emotion appears in the almost dull man.

For Hongfu, leaving Luoyang City means that she will never see those stone roads in Yang's mansion, those verdant pine trees without trunks, will never return to her bedroom upstairs with stones, and will never go to bed again. Into the big oak barrel for shampooing in the corner of the room.She has no regrets about this.This incident reminded me of leaving home to join the queue in Yunnan when I was sixteen.Queue jumping is bad enough for fifteen or sixteen-year-olds, because it means starvation, lack of medical care, unsuitable weather conditions, and so on.Not long after going there, some people died.After all, a condition that kills some of the experimental animals is bad enough for the living ones.But those of us who leave our homes to jump in line show no pathos.We thought we had left the North for the tropics, and we were about to encounter some interesting things later on.This shows that we are all too young.When Hongfu left Luoyang, he was not much older than when I went to jump the queue.For a person her age, leaving a city she has lived in for a long time is not like ending an old game and starting a new one.Because for her, the old innings hadn't even begun.

two This part of the book is about Li Weigong.As I said long ago, Wei Gong and I are not the same people.He has much more energy than I do - although we are both mathematicians.After he escaped from Luoyang City, he fought in the Tang army and was known for his energy.At that time, Hongfu fought side by side with him, but he was not as famous as him, although Hongfu killed no fewer enemies than him.During the war, Hong Fu wore a leather armor and rode a pony, sitting on the side saddle. It was not acceptable to ride a horse like ordinary soldiers. A woman would be laughed at by the enemy if she straddled the horse with her legs apart. With a small bow and fine arrows.In this way, riding a horse can't fight the enemy head-on, and it's easy to twist its neck, so the horse moved sideways and danced forward, and Hong Fu was sitting upright to meet the enemy head-on.Enemies with such riding skills will applaud when they see it, and they are within the range of bows and arrows before they know it.Hong Fu bent his bow and fired, with a beautiful posture, then waved goodbye to his targets and returned to his own formation.The opponent unknowingly fell down a lot of people amidst the applause and applause, because she shot very accurately.This style of combat is very feminine, and although very effective, the enemy is not afraid of it.Duke Wei's way of fighting is masculine. He wears iron armor and stands on a chariot drawn by eight horses, like a god.What should be pointed out in particular is that at this time Weigong's male roots are sticking out, very conspicuous and presumptuous.No matter who sees it, they can't help but want to chop up.What needs to be explained is that not only the enemy but also his comrades are cut up, because not everyone admires him.After a knife is cut, sparks will always burst out, and the tiger's mouth will be cracked. If the knife is not bent, it will be considered a good hit.As for the blade, it is naturally a mess.But to put it bluntly, it's not that great, because it's actually not Wei Gong's penis, but a solid iron rod, the shape is exactly the same as the penis, and the outside has been painted with color.As long as you don't do electric welding, no one can do anything about it.He wore an iron painted mask on his face, which was also very similar to his face, but it was not as intimidating as the one below.On the battlefield, someone shot an arrow in his face and it bounced back, but he screamed: "What a thick skin!"If a knife is cut at that place, and the ring collapses, the knife will be terrified and run away.For this reason, he has the reputation of being the most strange man in the army.Someone always asked: General Li, aren't you tired from standing up all day?Wei Gong replied: "It is like this when it is in war, and I don't know why."So Li Jing was revered as the god of war (it would be better to say that Li Weigong's penis was revered as the god of war), and the sky skyrocketed.So he felt very proud that he didn't take off the shield when he went to bed at night.But when camping at night, Hong Fu often fought with him in the tent, yelling: Yaoshi Li, you bastard!It's coming to me!This incident not only shows that people at that time had male genital worship, but also shows that Li Weigong was the best at playing tricks.The so-called pretending to be a ghost refers to this aspect: when others are fighting, they are frightened and sweating profusely, but he can stand up straight, as if he is a man - but he is a fake man.In contrast, I am an honest person, soft is really soft, hard is really hard.It would be great if it can be proved that I am a person, but I won’t pretend if I am not.When Xiao Sun saw this place, he quarreled with me: Do I think you are soft?Do I think you are soft?Say it!

Chairman Mao taught us that the word "seriousness" is the only thing to be afraid of in the world, and there is some truth in this statement.Xiao Sun argued with me for a hard word, leaving me speechless.Li Weigong has a mask on his face and no expression at all, which makes people feel that he has no sense of humor, and can give you a small report just for a joke; with an iron dildo sticking out from his waist, it makes people feel that he is endless , stick to it.I can entangle with you for three days and three nights over a trivial matter.The combination of these two appearances made the leaders feel that he was a person who could be trusted.Later he became an official and was entrusted with the important task of building the capital after the founding of the Tang Dynasty.And that was exactly what he dreamed of.And these things were known by the bearded man, and he said: pretending to be a ghost is not a real skill.These words are not in vain, the face of the bearded man is as dead, not to mention no smile, not even crying.As for persevering to the end, it is simply in his nature.

After Li Weigong started pretending to be a ghost, he told Hongfu: I have finally found the way to be a human being.This is not self-speaking, since Li Jing discovered this doorway, everything has been smooth sailing, and he has been a Duke of Wei.This doorway is a fraud.On the battlefield, golden drums were beating, swords and guns were raised simultaneously, and flesh and blood were flying everywhere; when men saw this scene, they all shrank like silkworms, but he pretended to be erect like iron.The atmosphere at the venue was solemn and everyone was drowsy, but his eyes were like copper bells; no wonder he was reused by the leaders.After doing this, he can still get a pleasure of deceiving everyone, because of this, he can persist for decades.It was later discovered that in addition to pretending to be energetic, he was also good at pretending to be sick and pretending to be dead.

When Li Weigong designed Chang'an City, she still retained her rich imagination and nature of invention.This nature is why Hong Fu loves him.At first, he wanted to build Chang'an in the Laizhou area by the sea. The reason is that the sea is windy and has inexhaustible energy.If this plan is approved, Chang'an City will be a pile of stone towers, with countless windmills on top of the towers.The people inside rely on the wind to lift water and grind flour, and even when they go out, they have to sit in a small car with sails and move forward on the stone-paved road.Li Weigong also designed a wind lamp, which is a pair of flint wheels driven by the wind, and sparks are produced by friction to illuminate.When there is wind, everyone goes out to work, and when there is no wind, they lie down and sleep.This is the same as we have here: work when there is an incoming call, and sleep when there is no electricity.In addition to energy considerations, Li Weigong also likes the sea very much, and wants to go swimming in the sea with Hongfu in summer, so that his body will be tanned.But this plan was rejected by the emperor, on the grounds that "my capital city should be different from the wind mill", besides, the emperor also didn't like the sea, as the king of a country, he was naked on the beach, it was not a good look, A tan is also unsightly.Later, Li Jing designed Chang'an on the side of Emei Mountain, so that Chang'an City is composed of various waterways. These waterways pass through the sluices, driving countless water wheels, and the water wheels drive mountaineering cable cars, rice mills, and water power lamp.The entire city is built with wood, and there are water tanks made of wood and wooden water wheels everywhere. This kind of Chang'an City is like a Venice on the middle of the mountain, constantly rotating.Li Jing also likes climbing mountains, especially mountains with lush vegetation.He wants to go hunting with Hongfu.But it was denied again.The reason is that "My capital city should be different from Shui Nian", and the emperor doesn't like mountains, especially mountains surrounded by lush vegetation.In the end, Li Weigong proposed to build a city of Chang'an with mud, like all cities in China from ancient times to the present, to be driven by human power.All necessary measures were taken to prevent human beings from thinking about others.The emperor was satisfied this time, and instead of saying "My capital is different from a pigsty", he said "Li Aiqing has a smart head, but he doesn't know how to use it".That is to say, after his reminder, Li Weigong finally knew how to use his head. That is to say, although Li Weigong was very smart, he didn't know who he was.

As I said, Duke Wei is a mathematician just like me.A true mathematician does not believe that he is a program, but a person who learns to derive programs. three Li Weigong designed Fengli Chang'an because he likes wind, especially sea breeze.When he arrived at the beach, he sat on a rock and smelled the fishy smell of the sea breeze.That kind of wind can literally blow people's ears off, but it's cute.The sea breeze is blue, white with a little cloud.He told Hongfu, I must build a city on the sea in the future!But this determination failed because it did not meet the emperor's wishes.He also liked water, especially the water that came down from the mountains.The water was icy cold.Although transparent and colorless, it is always a shade of yellow-green.It's just that I haven't heard that he likes people.Although Hong Fu said that Li Jing has always been very likable, even when he is pretending to be a ghost, there is something cute about him.But once it got involved in the matter of manpower Chang'an, it was no longer likable.

Li Weigong designed Chang'an and adopted the principle of permanence.That is to say, to make this city never go wrong.He is very familiar with this aspect, because he has destroyed Luoyang City, and he knows that the key to keeping a city is to let the people inside never dream about it, so he built the city into a square, rustic .This point is actually very important, as evidenced by the sages’ expositions—Master Russell said: The ancient Egyptians were stupid, how could they know that the earth is round?The Greeks were so smart, why didn't they know that the earth was round?The reason for this is that the place in Egypt is bare, and when you look around, you can't see anything except the surrounding circular horizon, so they are dumbfounded; Full of weirdness.But in Greece it was difficult to see the horizon, so they didn't know the earth was round, but thought it was a big sand tray.Humped on the back of the whale, the whale will make an earthquake when it tickles.Fortunately, the Fusang people didn't know about this, otherwise they would have beaten this whale to boil oil, and they didn't care where we all sank.Li Weigong studied both Chinese and Western cultures, and after designing Chang'an City for everyone to live in, they were dumbfounded and didn't know that the earth was round.In this way, Chang'an City was built on a very solid foundation.All of us look at the square city, only know that the sky is round and the place looks like a latrine.Therefore, I was very unconscious and defecated wherever I went.

We say that Chang'an City is rustic, of course, not for nothing, because apart from adobe and mud, the city is made of bricks, tiles and pottery, either yellow or gray.In addition, most of the people are wearing khaki clothes, so that myopia can't see someone on the opposite side, and they have to bump into their arms to know.The houses in the city are all exactly the same, with an adobe-walled yard, a tall gatehouse, and a brick-paved corridor when walking in. On the left is a well, from which water is drawn, and on the right is an infiltration well, which is used The water that has passed is poured back again, and the cycle repeats endlessly.Standing in the middle of the well platform and looking forward, there is a gray tiled roof standing in a piece of feces. This is where the lobby is.When there is nothing to do, the master and the housewife sit here side by side, men on the left and women on the right. The main axis of the yard passes between the man's right shoulder and the woman's left shoulder.Every house in Chang'an City is like this.It's just that the homesteads vary in size.After Chang'an was built, there was no wind in the city, not even birds.There is an obscene saying that after living in Chang'an City for a long time, the assholes will become square, and shit prongs with a square cross section will come out.If this is the case, there is nothing to be afraid of, everyone is amazed at the integrity of this city, saying that Wei Gong is really a genius, as if he was born with a personality.But as far as I know that's not the case.Wei Gong has never been a real Renrui.He was just as faking as I was.Later, he was slashed and then wilted. A real Renrui would never be wilted after being slashed.Emperor Yongzheng of the Qing Dynasty raised a bunch of blood drops, and sent them to kill anyone who didn't care about it.As long as he is not hacked to death, that person will definitely work hard later, working overtime every night until four o'clock in the morning.These are the real people. After Li Weigong built the walls and houses of Chang'an City, he formulated various systems for it.As mentioned earlier, these systems are designed to prevent everyone from wishful thinking, but he does not think that the object of prevention should include himself.In addition to formulating various systems, he is also inventing various utensils, thinking of doing one thing at a time, and completely disregarding priorities.The emperor looked at a memorial on the official system, and found ink stains coming through from the back.Turning it over, it turned out to be a blueprint of the kind of wooden woman placed in a small inn, with an arrow pointing to her genitals beside the picture, and a line of small characters saying "the inside is made of flannelette".The emperor was confused, when Li Weigong broke in from the outside, shouting: I lost my head in a hurry, and wrote the memorial and the blueprint together.Let the minister go back and transcribe it before playing it.After speaking, he snatched the memorial and ran away.He also made a pair of wooden roller skates on the pretext of being busy with work, and slid on the brick floor in the palace, making such a terrible noise that even the little eunuch covered his ears with his hands when he saw him coming.But the emperor tolerated him and said: Li Qing is lively and cute!But this does not mean that he is completely at ease with Li Jing.According to the emperor's personal eunuch, the emperor did say: Whose money did Li Jing use to make the wooden woman?It's my money! The emperor had reason to be worried about Li Jing.In addition to behaving in a flustered manner, this person also has the problem of dreaming.His wind power Chang'an and water power Chang'an have been denied, but he still does not give up and is still experimenting.There are three large sand tables in the lobby of his house. The one on the left is labeled "Wind Power Chang'an". There are towers made of pulp, windmills, streets, etc. on it.The one on the right is labeled "Hydraulic Chang'an", with water wheels and water channels, etc., and there is a reservoir on the top, and a person fills it with a bucket.The one in the middle is a khaki-colored sand table. It seems that there is nothing on it. If you look carefully, you can see houses and streets. This is the model of Chang'an.The residents of these three models are all ants, and each ant has a piece of paper pasted on its body, stating its identity.Not only commoner ants, but also three ants have become emperors.Fortunately, it was the beginning of the founding of the Tang Dynasty, and the various systems had not yet been completed. Otherwise, even Li Jing and his three ants would have been punished by death.Li Jing was fully aware of this, and he said with a playful smile: I just took advantage of this loophole.The result of the experiment is that the ants in the wind-powered Chang'an are smarter, the ants in the water-powered Chang'an are stronger, and the ants in the human-powered Chang'an are the most law-abiding.This result proved the emperor's sageness.The emperor always knew what Li Jing was doing and the conclusion he came to, but he only said one sentence: Why does my sage need him to prove it! Four When Chang'an City was first built, Li Weigong was only in his fifties.Chang'an City is yellow and square, like a piece of freshly cut cake steamed with cornmeal, and Li Weigong is full of energy, like a small steamed jujube on the cake.A group of Frenchmen traveled across the ocean and built a large mill at the crossroads in the middle of Chang'an City, selling French-style bread and pastries.The mill was powered by wind, but there was no wind in Chang'an City, so they had to build a tower high into the sky to find the wind.Those French people have to get up at three o'clock every morning to climb the tower, and they can climb to work at five o'clock.Li Weigong came here very early every day, bought a fresh loaf of bread, put a large piece of it in his trouser cuff, and ate the rest for breakfast.This way he looks majestic and majestic when he is at work.People asked him why he was like this, and he said: it always does this when working for the public and sharing the Lord's worries.We should add that Hongfu threw away his iron rod as soon as the battle was over.So he uses bread to strengthen himself.In addition, he painted his eyebrows and eyes with red lips, and used mirrors more frequently than Hongfu. If Hongfu saw him, he would use his fingers to shave his face to shame him.At that time, it was the beginning of the founding of the Tang Dynasty, and all the monarchs and ministers were trying their best to cheer up, just like before the evaluation of professional titles here.If everyone is like Duke Wei, the bread hidden in their trousers will be bigger than anyone else.Fortunately, not everyone pretends to be a ghost, otherwise it would be a waste of food. I think my problem is that I don't know how to play tricks, so now I am in such a distraught state.After finally proving Fermat's theorem, I do not know how to publish it.Of course, I can call it "Li Weigong's theorem", and there is no problem in posting it, but I am no longer willing to do this, because it was proved by me and has nothing to do with Weigong.Secondly, I can say that I proved it, but I need a story: why did I prove it.To make up a story for yourself, you have to be less gross.If it is said that I am trying to win glory for the country and work hard in the cause of mathematics, it would be too pretentious.My head is full of lofty thoughts, what do I use to think about math problems?This is as impossible as Duke Wei standing upright on the battlefield.Regardless of this one.Finally, I have to say how I proved it.This was not a problem in the first two years, because it must be said that after reading a certain quotation from Chairman Mao, my heart suddenly became enlightened, and so on.In fact, my motivation for proving this theorem is to show my hand, and I proved it on Xiaosun's belly.But these situations cannot be discussed.In the end, we could only turn to Berkeley, California.In contrast, Fermat did not prove the theorem at all, but became famous all over the world.It's all because he plays tricks. Now it's time to talk about what it means to pretend to be a ghost.In my opinion (again, in my opinion), the most important theorem in the world is this: Anyone who walks on two legs and speaks a language is a human being, whether he is yellow, white or black; Anyway, I want to eat when I'm hungry, and I want to sleep when I'm sleepy. Before sex, it's hard, but after sex, it's soft.There are also a series of important characteristics, such as sleepiness when listening to reports, fantasy when you are poor, and so on.These cannot be changed, and whoever says he is not like this is pretending to be a ghost.From this, the second important theorem is derived: since there are human beings, there have been people pretending to be ghosts.Of course, at first I wanted to take advantage of it, but later I pretended to be cheap, which is puzzling.But my theorem can't include the bearded man, because he is the hardest thing ever to guess. Li Weigong actually designed three Chang'an, but people only see one.He not only designed the city, but everything related to the city.In the first Chang'an (Wind Chang'an) there is no city wall, because the city wall keeps out the wind.For defense, every high tower is built very strong and can house thousands of people.People there wear white tight-sleeved jackets, white knickerbockers, and beanies with black ribbons on their heads, reminding everyone where the wind is blowing.These men sailed the sails, brought the necessary supplies from all places, repaired the rigging and the windmills, used the sextant and the chronograph, and the requisite ingenuity was really necessary.For the needs of the mind, we must eat more fish, and we must eat good fish, such as tuna and marlin.These fish are not as easy to catch as the hairtail and rubber fish we eat now. They can only be caught by driving a big boat to the far sea.In this way, we will become a seafaring nation, everyone will be swarthy, and our capital will be immersed in the fishy smell of the sea.The rise and fall of a seafaring nation depends on clever minds and superb skills, so there will not be so many people.On the stone walls of our capital, the blue light of the sea permeates all year round.I have no problem with that, since I'm well versed in spherical trigonometry, and I'm not a captain but a mate there. In the second Chang'an, there is no city wall, because to let the water flow through, so the giant wood is used as a fence, and the whole city is submerged in a green shade - there are towering giant trees or continuous green bamboos everywhere, because there are no wooden bamboos Simply can not live.In addition, it is very humid. Under the rotating water tank of the big bark tree, the wooden wall is covered with moss everywhere, and the undergrowth is also covered with grass.The people there all wear black leather clothes, half a foot wide from skirt to skirt, tied with a leather strap in the middle, so that the black hair of the linden can be exposed.Whether it is cutting trees or carrying wood, you must have the strength to do it.So everyone is a big man with a height of 1.9 meters and a height of about 100 kilograms.People like this have to eat meat, so we have become a meat-eating people.A meat-eating nation will not have many people, because there must be places for grazing herds and woods for hiding game, and people cannot be everywhere.Our capitals would then be rough places, with scattered skies in the shady crevices, and rain or shine, with water dripping overhead--as it always does in the woods.I don't have a problem with that either, although I'm thin and I've been told to tend cows or pigs, but I like animals, whichever they are.Even seeing cobras and mice, they are unwilling to kill them.Only the manpower Chang'an is not suitable for me: I am so lost in spirit and dreamy, I must be caught in the yamen often, so that I am neither the captain's mate nor the shepherd, but a beaten butt.But things like which Chang'an to go to have to be decided by the leaders, and we don't count. When Li Weigong was alive, Chang'an City was very grand.This is not to say that Chang'an City is full of high-rise buildings made of stone, with verdant lawns and fountains in front of the gate, but on the contrary - there is not a single stone, a living grass, or a stream of flowing water in Chang'an City. .All the houses are made of brick, tile and wood, and are all one-story.At that time, horse riders on Chang'an Road all carried a bag of soil. If their horse urinated on the street, they had to get off immediately and cover the flowing urine with soil.No one dared to pour dirty water in the street.The houses in Chang'an are short, but the streets are wide.There is no grass on the ground, but every inch of the ground is printed with traces of brooms.People walking on the street automatically catch up with those in front, or slow down to wait for those behind, so as to form a team and walk in unison.But once you catch up with the team, you are embarrassed to leave the team, so you were going to go to the next door to see the neighbors, but you may be wrapped up and walk all over the city, and you will go home exhausted until the evening, and take care of the neighbors. Forgot too.At that time, when foreigners came to Chang'an, they would often open their mouths in amazement when they saw the dusty crowds marching in the streets.However, when Chang'an was first built, two-thirds of the residents there were veterans.And other people who want to move to the city have to go through three months of queue training.Foreigners don't know this, they just think it's the relationship between water and soil.They were ashamed of their laziness, and they drank the salty, astringent well water with a slight urine smell in Chang'an City, and refused to drink the mineral water that preferentially treats foreigners; Give me one!The effect of this was not obvious, so I went to buy young walnuts to dye myself yellow, and had my double eyelids sewed up to make it look like a single eyelid.The large number of envoys sent by Mr. Qiuran to the Tang Dynasty had not yet had time to learn the system of the Tang Dynasty. After seeing this scene, they ran back and praised him full of praise, saying that we will never catch up—unless we don’t eat fish from now on, and only eat millet rice.But in Fusang, if there is no fish to eat, there will be a food shortage, and the millet is not resistant to waterlogging, and there is a lot of rain in that place, so we didn't follow Wei Gong's method completely, but adopted the etiquette he invented.That alone is enough for them. We know that there is a bell tower and a drum tower in the city of Chang'an. In the bell tower, a veteran walked around the clock. Every time he walked around the clock, he struck the bell once after sixty circles.When Chang'an was built, this clock was very accurate, almost as good as Big Ben in England.After some years, corns grew on the soldier's feet, and the clock slowed down, gradually slowing down to the point of two hours a day, and the sun and the moon began to reverse in Chang'an City.A few years later, the soldier suffered from gout again, and the clock slowed down 24 hours a day, so there were two kinds of time in Chang'an City, official time and solar time.Pedestrians can travel twenty miles in one hour according to public time, and half that according to solar time.The sun rises twice a day according to public time, and it is also halved according to solar time.In Chang'an City, if you ask an old lady about her age, she says she is twenty, but she is actually twenty.You go to ask an old man about longevity, and he says that at seventy, that is the age of the sun.This increases the complexity of timing.When the bell tower slows down by seventy-two hours a day, public time will be abolished.At that time, the veteran had already had a stroke and suffered from hemiplegia, and was still struggling to walk around the clock.Fortunately, he no longer has the strength to strike the bell, and the sound can only be heard in the bell tower. And the story of that Drum Tower is this: There is a big drum in the building, and the drummer beats the drum beats on it, so that the whole city can walk on it.This kind of work is very tiring, requiring a large number of able-bodied people to rotate; and it is so boring that some drummers have a nervous breakdown afterwards, desperate to hit some tricks on the drums to keep the whole city from leaving Going forward, but twisting yangko or dancing disco.After doing such bad things, he said: kill or cut whatever you want.For this reason, the system of drumming was later abolished.Fortunately, those veterans were also in their dying years, and they also felt that it was too tiring to take the right step, so they didn't raise any opinions.At the beginning of Chang'an's construction, if someone picked up copper coins on the road, they would hand them over to the bosses, and the bosses would try to return them to the person who lost the money.It is a pity that although everyone is good at picking up gold, the total number of copper coins will not increase, and everyone is still so poor.Since it is so poor, it is rare to lose money.Later, the chiefs also stipulated that a copper coin should be stamped with a steel seal after one time of picking up gold, which can be used as two flowers.This caused everyone to deliberately throw away copper coins on the road, and the money in Chang'an City was soon filled with steel seals, causing serious inflation.Whether stamped or not, copper coins are worthless.However, the total number of good deeds in Chang'an City has skyrocketed.But later everyone found it inconvenient without copper coins, so they abolished this system. Fives The story of human Chang'an mentioned in the previous section is only half of the story.The city is neither near the mountains nor the sea, but there are many people in the city who want to eat, so a large number of porters go to the banks of the Yellow River to carry grain.These people form a team of fifty people. There is an iron ring embedded in the flesh on the left arm. There are leather straps on the iron ring to thread them into a string. On the shoulder is a large bag, which is ten feet long and can hold tens of thousands of catties of grain. .They are like giant centipedes, going back and forth between the Yellow River wharf and the granary in the city for many years.Over time, he became a strange race, with no flesh all over his body, except a muscle the size of a small soccer ball on his calf, and a pair of big feet more than two feet long; his hands had not degenerated due to old age, just like a For chicken wings.It is said that the porters have extremely flexible feet, so they use their feet to hold bowls and eat.When the food arrives in the city, someone has to spread it out and clean it before it can be put into storage. There is a group of Kuding with wooden shovels, who raise the field day and night, and finally become a strange race of people with big hands and small feet. top.至于城市近郊的菜农，他们四肢并用，公家就发一条大皮带，让他们把腰牢牢束住，多干活少吃饭。后来长安的菜农的体形就变得无比性感，让人看了怦然心动，有些不争气的家伙就把菜地撂荒，跑到城里当男妓。 卫公把长安城建好了以后，心里非常高兴，当时长安城崭新崭新，一点毛病都没有。他觉得这是自己一生最伟大的发明，远胜过证明费尔马定理、造出开平方的机器，因此他就向皇上建议说要把长安城更名为“新洛阳”。皇上一听，马上不尴不尬地笑了一下说：李卿，朕的都城叫这么个古怪名字，恐怕不大好。但是李卫公正在兴头上，还是继续讲他的理由——多年之前，他和红拂从洛阳城逃了出来，当时他就下了决心要建一座大城等等，所以叫这个名字有纪念意义等等，讲着讲着皇上就不见了。于是他就回自己的衙门去，丝毫也没看到皇上当时的模样，好像正在发疟子。皇上觉得这是两个可怜虫的古怪游戏，把它讲出嘴来实属肉麻。不管怎么说，他是皇上呀，倒霉的李卫公居然把这一点给忘了。晚上下班时，刚一出门，路边跳出一个黑衣人来，砍了他一刀，正砍在钢盔上，火花乱冒，把他都砍楞了。幸亏当时正是大唐建国之初，不论文臣武将，出门都穿礼服。卫公的礼服不仅头上有钢盔，身上有铠甲，还佩有腰刀。他一面想：我设计长安时，可没把刺客这个行当设计进来呀！一面就去拔刀。但是他的卫士长站在他身后，一把按住他的手。李卫公急忙嚷了起来：有人刺杀我，快去逮他！那人却笑着说：没有哇！李卫公回头一看，那黑衣人正在前面飞跑，就急赤白脸的嚷嚷：还在那里！快去逮他！嚷了半天不见有人动弹。连忙回头一看，只见他的卫士长正在甩着手走开。这一惊实在非同小可，自己一想，白天和皇上胡扯了一阵，犯了错误。原来长安是皇上的都城，不是他的新洛阳。所以他回了家赶紧写辞职报告，皇上不准。再过了几天，卫公就病了。不管怎么说，这是个重大的损失，因为要找卫公那么聪明的人，一时还找不到。而虬髯公在扶桑得到了这个消息却说：像这样一个只有点小聪明的不可靠分子居然钻进了国家的庙堂，只能说明大唐朝无人了。这种话别人讲出来就该打嘴巴，他讲就不同了。虬髯公后来活到了二百岁，在一百五十岁上还能御女成胎，统治扶桑一百余年，何止是百岁人瑞而已。但是当过他太子太孙的人就倒霉了。这些中日混血儿读过中华的典籍，一句都记不住，只记下了上的一句话：老而不死是为贼。 长安建城之初，李卫公就这样一时兴之所至，在皇上面前胡扯八道，结果是挨了一刀，然后就蔫掉了。这个故事远比在这里讲到过的复杂，并且涉及到了生活的一些基本的方面，暂时不能完整地叙述出来。现在我们可以对事件作最简单的理解：李卫公造长安城，就如瓦特先生造他的蒸汽机。经过很多日夜的努力，蒸汽机终于造好了，运转自如，而且既不爆炸，也不大漏汽。瓦特先生很高兴，跑到大街上唱歌跳舞，抱住过路人亲吻，结果被警察打了一棒。这一律对于不列颠是无关紧要的，因为烧煤的机器已经造了出来，烧汽油的机器一直要到得克萨斯的油田开发出来才有需要，所以打了也就打了，没什么损失。但是对卫公的一刀砍得却是太早了。当时他正在编小学一年级的课本，已经编了四课——一，皇上万岁；二，皇后万岁；三，王爷千岁；四，王妃千岁。假以时日，让他完成这项工作，就能从根本上防止大家想入非非。除此之外，他还有好多工作在朝气蓬勃地进行。假如全部完成，大家就不再需要想了。不想就不会非非。 想要防止想入非非，必须由最擅长想入非非的人来制定措施。李卫公正是合适的人选，有一段他正在兴致勃勃地办这件事，谁知后来事情起了变化，卫公开始整天迷迷登登的，裤挡里那直撅撅的东西也不见了。他再也不管长安城的事情。这座城市就如没人管照的院子一样，马上就长满了荒草。大家都把院子向大街上伸展，街道很快就变窄了，路边上的水沟里也有了积水。后来长安城里的地皮也不够了，开始出现了楼房。甚至在一些小巷里，人们不待批准。就用石板来铺地。照我的观点，这种事态和好多因素有关系，比方说，人口增多、商业发展等等。但是大家都把注意力放在了卫公身上。好客人以为只要卫公能重振雄威，所有的事都能变好。前面提到有一位勇敢的女士给卫公做过blowjob。当时她的确是想从卫公嘴里套出话来，但也有部分原因是要挽救长安城——只要卫公能直起来，长安城就有救了。后来她发现卫公那地方苦极了，其实那是黄连水的味道，但是她一点也没想到卫公有幽默感，只是摇头晃脑地背诵起孟夫子的名言：夫天将降大任于斯人也，必先劳其筋骨，苦其心智。卫公的那个地方要是不苦，倒是怪了。她想使自己聪明起来，就每天吃一副猪苦胆。吃到后来，一吃糖就觉得苦，吃饭也觉得苦，只好永远以胆汁佐餐。到了最后整个人都变成了绿的，所到之处，丈余方圆，全部笼罩在一片苦雨腥风之内。但是据我所知，卫公那地方的苦是假装的，所以她吃了那么多苦也没使自己聪明起来，相反，因为胆酸中毒，倒变得有点傻，换言之，白白变成绿色的了。不过她倒是因此成为了人瑞，被公认为大唐最伟大的史家，因为像这样怪模怪样的人再也找不到了。 想要挽救长安城的还有大唐皇帝本人，他异想天开地研究了几本医药书，绘李靖开起药方来。有时候他派太监给卫公送去自己研制的“至宝三鞭酒”，但是这种酒他自己从来就不喝。那种药酒里除了像海马、鹿茸那样的壮阳药物之外，还泡进了各种动物的鞭，包括鹿鞭，虎鞭，大象鞭等等。为了保证疗效，他还让宣旨的太监当场倒出一碗，眼看着卫公喝下再回宫去。倒酒时卫公看到酒坛子里泡了整整一具猩猩鞭——那东西和男人的生殖器一模一样，酒是淡红色的，看上去好像是稀薄的血。味道就像洗咸肉的水，还有点陈腐的尿骚味。勉强喝下一碗，肠翻胃倒，脸色苍白，撑到太监离去，就狂呕起来。要不了十分钟，就变得面如死灰，双手冰凉。人都到了这个样子，还得不到红拂的同情。她说：该！谁让你装神弄鬼！至于卫公的同僚下属，对卫公的情况更是关心，从天南海北给他找来各种补药，但是他都不吃。可怜大唐的君臣都没发现症结所在。卫公直不起来，是因为那几个法国人做生意赔了本，关掉磨坊回乡去了，长安城里再没有长棒面包供应。所以解决问题的办法是应该把那些法国人找回来，并且禁止在长安城里蒸馒头，这样他们就不会再赔本，可以源源不断地供应长棒面包。但是这样做了之后也未必能解决问题，因为卫公早就觉得活得太累，不想再干了。人要是动了这种念头，不管是至宝三鞭酒，blowjob，还是长棒面包都不能让他重振雄威。 李卫公精神不振，大家把这笔帐记到了红拂帐上，最起码是她没把卫公的伙食管理好。除此之外，皇上也说过：“这小子（指李卫公）还有用，不该拿刀去砍他。”但是这话大家没有听到。因为这个缘故、皇帝就派御厨接管了卫公的伙房，从那一天开始。卫公吃的每一口肉里都有骨头，蔬菜也大多是竹笋一类看起来挺然翘然的东西。他餐桌上最常见的是炸鸡腿，整根烧的猪肘子，而且端上桌时还是竖直的立在盘子里。给他吃的饭也都硬得厉害，几乎是生米。偶尔卫公提出要吃顿面条，那些面条像钢丝一样硬。御厨一滴滴往面粉里加水，和成了世界上最硬的面团，又用斧子砍成面条，卫公吃了几口，险些噎死。以后他再也不敢说要吃面条。但是给他吃的烙饼也像鞋底子一样硬，他一有机会就从餐桌上偷走几张，让红拂给他揣在怀里，捂软了再吃。 six 现在可以说说丧失了卫公的管理之后，长安城是什么样子。这时候大街小巷都铺上了石板，好像一些乌龟壳。大街两面都是铺面房，那种房子正面都是木头门板，年代一久，被油泥完全糊住。屋檐几乎要在街面上空汇合，所以街上非常之暗，只有铺街的石板上反射着一点点天光。万一失了火，就要烧掉半个长安城，而卫公管事时，失了火只能烧掉一条街，这就是区别所在。偶尔有一个妓女，穿着短得不像话的裙子，露出了洁白无疵的两条腿，踏着钉了铁掌的木屐从街上快速的跑过，留下一街的火星，让大家看了都很过瘾。在卫公管事的时候决不准女人露着大腿在街上跑，这也是区别之所在。卫公管事的时候规定了良家妇女上街必须穿三条裙子，衬裙和围裙可以比较短，但是主要的裙子必须长及地面。而妓女上街必须穿六条裙子，每一条都得长及地面，所以脱起来甚为麻烦。谁穿的裙子不足此数或者超过了此数，就要抓到衙门里去打板子。打以前先要用磁石吸她一下，看看裙子里是否夹带了铁板。这些规定让卫公绞尽了脑汁，因为就连女人穿裙子数都要有典籍依据，或者是从数学上证明。但是老百姓偏不体谅他的苦心，专门来找麻烦。有一个服装商生产了一种裙子，下面有三层滚边，看上去是三条裙子，其实只是一条——不就是想省几尺布吗。还有个商人生产了一种护臀板，是木头做的，磁石吸不出来，但是打上去梆梆响——不就是怕打吗。卫公也怪不容易的了，你让他打两下子怕啥。 出了这种事，卫公又规定遇到屁股上有木板的女人，掌杖的衙役必须用三倍的力气来打，连木板带屁股一起打烂。但是那些衙役又抱怨说粮食不够吃。由此你就知道大唐朝的长安城里，各种人都有粮食定量，和后来的北京城一样。在后来的北京城里，牙医吃钳工的定量，乐团吹大号的吃翻砂工的定量，规定得十分合理。而在长安城里打女人屁股的衙役原来吃中等体力劳动的定量，因为女人往屁股上垫木板长到了重体力劳动，那些人还不知足，说是抡棍子打木板，撞得手上起了血泡，肩膀也疼，这两种毛病应当算是职业病。按大唐的劳保条例，职业病应当全薪疗养。手上打了泡就可以吃干薪，实在太便宜。卫公想了半天，决定发衙役几双线手套，而那些衙役领了回家，交给老婆拆了织袜子。这说明那些衙役根本就不怕手上打泡，而是以血泡为说辞，向公家要更好的待遇。像这样的事太多了，吵得卫公脑子疼。最后他装病躺倒不干了。长安城没有了他，就变成这个鬼样子——想穿什么裙子就穿什么裙子，想多长就多长。又有一些老百姓说，这简直是在毒害青少年。群众来信成麻袋的寄往卫公府上，但是他只睁一只眼，所以连看都不看，就把信送到厨房烧火了。 卫公病了乃至死了以后，他制定的各种制度依然在乱七八糟的起作用。比方说，红拂要自杀，经过了各级机构的批准，皇上已经派了魏老婆子来办这件事，为了让她死后更好看些，正在把她倒吊在房梁上，这时老有人到门口找她。这时候只好把她从梁上放下来，把她搀到门口一看，是几个糟老头子，是从市政司或者其它鬼衙门来的，一本正经地对她说道：卫公遗制，皇上恩准，寡妇殉节本司有一份福利。李张氏签字收领，谢恩！这就是制度的作用。小孙在图书馆工作，每月领两副套袖，回来当抹布擦桌子。福利就是不管你用着用不着都要发下去。再看那些福利，或者是陈仓老米，本身是大米，却黄澄澄的像玉米；或者是干的咸鲐鲅鱼，不知有多少年头了，绿的地方是霉，不绿的地方一片金黄。咸鱼发了黄，就是哈喇了，带有一股桐油味。再不然就是一口柳木棺材，板子薄得透明。红拂一面签字一面骂道：这个老鳖头子，他死了倒干净（这是骂卫公）。魏大娘，给我拿个垫子来。魏老婆子问：要垫子干什么？她说：我操他妈的，跪下谢恩呀！后来回到屋里去，一面被倒挂上房梁，一面说：魏大娘，看来咱们得用个滑车了。后来她又在房梁上大头朝下的说道：姓李的这家伙是自己作死，把我也连累了。照她看来，李卫公既然是个想入非非的家伙，就不该去装神弄鬼。而皇上知道了这些话，就为自己辩护道：我早就知道李靖是个想入非非的家伙，但是我现在正用得着他！这话的意思就是说，在头头面前，装神弄鬼是没有用的。李卫公的种种小聪明，早就被头头们识破了，他应该为不诚实付出代价，但还没到时候。但是作为一个群众，我不相信头头的话。我觉得这是他们编出来吓唬我们的。 我把卫公的故事都写完了，但还是不知道怎样来评价卫公，正如我活到了四十岁，还是不知道怎样评价自己一样。我十五岁时开始学习平面几何，以《几何原本》为课本，以日本人长泽龟之助的《几何学辞典》作为习题集——独自坐在一间房子里，面对着一本打开的书，咬着铅笔杆——像这样的经历卫公也有过，不过是读波斯文的《几何原本》，用波斯人写的习题书。这和就着《朱子集注》读可不是一回事。前者是一种极为愉快的经历，后者则令人痛苦。虽然有这样的共同经历，我还是不能完全了解他。他是这样的喜欢演戏，像个演员一样活在世界上。这一点我永远都学不会。在这个世界上，再没有什么比像个演员活着利益更大，也没有比这危险更大的事了。