Chapter 5 Red Buddha Running at Night---About Interesting 【Chapter 2】

Chapter two Because Hongfu's application for suicide quota was mentioned in this chapter, the author remembered a similar thing: this year's traffic accident death quota in Beijing is 192 people, and there are only 17 people in this district. one Li Weigong lived in Chang'an City in his old age, which was the consequence of his escape from Luoyang City. As I said this, his clock was set back dozens of times.People say that Chang'an City hides the wind and shelters the air, and has the appearance of an emperor.That is to say, Chang'an City has geographical anomalies.Things that weigh eight taels outside the city will weigh one catty when they enter the city, while things that weigh one catty inside the city will only weigh eight taels when they leave the city.That is to say, the salary received as an official in the city is not worth so much money to spend outside the city, and the firewood, rice, oil and salt bought in the city do not seem to be as much as they should be.In addition, when a fire is lit in a city, the smoke never rises to the sky, but sinks to the ground as soon as it emerges from the chimney.When it's time to cook, the city of Chang'an is always smoky, you can't see your fingers, and if you have asthma, you will be suffocated.Therefore, there is a law that from sunrise to sunset, fireworks are strictly prohibited in Chang'an City.After dark or before dawn, people stay in the house, so they can be less harmed by smoke and dust.People in Chang'an City always eat breakfast before dawn, go to bed after eating, and eat dinner after dark.As for lunch, I had to eat cold.Over time, there were a lot of people suffering from stomach problems in Chang'an City.But Li Weigong can avoid this kind of crime, because he invented a special device, using manpower to step on a flywheel to drive a special towel to rub the bottom of the pot, the heat generated can not only boil the water, but also stir-fry vegetables.But this kind of equipment is not affordable for ordinary people, because it is huge, and at least ten big men will be exhausted to boil a pot of water.There is another strange thing about Chang'an City, that is, only the pagoda tree grows, and nine out of ten other trees do not grow.Therefore, at the turn of spring and summer, the city is full of the rustling of insects gnawing at the leaves, and the white and green silkworms fall from the sky like torrential rain.The chickens and ducks in Chang'an City must be locked up, and they cannot be allowed to run around, otherwise they will undoubtedly die of swelling.But the trees in Wei Gong's house never grew worms, because they were made of wax.Occasionally, some insects would eat a few bites from the tree in his house, and left after feeling that the taste was not right.The water in Chang'an City is salty. After drinking this water for a long time, the voices of women in Chang'an have become hoarse basses.But this didn't affect Duke Wei, because his family drank mineral water from outside the city, so the voice of a woman was still a woman.Even though he lives comfortably here, Duke Wei still hates Chang'an City.He felt that the city was lifeless, and the people in it were dull.

The avenues in Chang'an City are paved with loess.From morning to night, there are always some people in yellow coats standing on the side of the road, removing loess from the road with shovels, sprinkled with water with long spoons, and then smoothed it with rollers.Many years later, after Chang'an City was abandoned, those avenues were still there, but they were cracked everywhere like worn-out belts, and the clods of soil were as hard as tiles.Not only the road surface, but every inch of the ground in Chang'an City is as flat as a mirror. From this city gate to that city gate, every corner has been grinded so that not a blade of grass grows.Weigong rode to work every morning, and he fell asleep and snored as soon as he got on the horse.Because when he was on the horse's back, the horse would also be swaying. If Weigong swayed to the east, the horse would also sway to the east, and if Weigong swayed to the west, the horse would also sway to the west. down.But this also has the downside that they don't always make it to the class.Sometimes Wei Gong walked away from home for two or three hours, not only did he not go to work, but he was farther away from work.Fortunately, an official like him does not need to go to work on time, and an official like him has the right to walk sideways on the street.After arriving at the class, he continued to sleep, but of course an official like him has the right to sleep in the class.Over time, Duke Wei became an object of ridicule.When people mentioned him, they couldn't help but put on a drowsy expression on their faces, and they couldn't help reaching out to dig the corners of their eyes, as if there was eye droppings there.But Wei Gong turned a blind eye to this, or really didn't see it, pretended not to know, or really didn't know.For these reasons, although the Emperor of the Tang Dynasty showed great favor to Duke Wei, no one respected Duke Wei.Everyone just regarded him as an old man who couldn't wake up.

Li Jing was already old when he lived in Chang'an City, and he had already surrendered his military power and taken up idle positions, but this does not mean that he can be fine.Sometimes the emperor would recruit all the veteran generals who fought the world into the palace, organize a chorus of generals, act as the conductor, and sing for the noble ladies in the city, with Duke Wei as the lead singer.This group of old brothers are all too old to catch the wind, and all of them are tone-deaf, so the singing effect is just like a mean woman described: like a pond of frogs!Later, it was changed to be accompanied by little eunuchs, and everyone stood there to put on a show, and the effect was creepy again, because a large group of old men with white beards stood there and made crisp boyish voices, which was very eerie.In addition, a general dance troupe was also organized. Everyone put on high riding boots, danced a saber and danced a cavalry dance.It turned out that Cheng Yaojin had a heart attack on the spot and almost died.These are just two of the various social activities that Wei Gong will participate in in his old age.He will also write various memoirs, and he has completed military memoirs, political memoirs, and scientific memoirs.But these are not enough, there is also his autobiography written since childhood.

The cause of this incident was that the Emperor of the Tang Dynasty wanted to build the Lingxiao Pavilion, which is a skyscraper in the ancient sense, and the portraits and life stories of the heroes are displayed in the building.Since it is a life story, of course it must be provided by me.So he has to write his autobiography after going to work every day, because he always dozes off, so he can't finish writing.The emperor sent someone to help him write, but the progress was still very slow. This was because he would fall asleep anytime and anywhere.Later, the emperor sent the most beautiful and dedicated female historian, but the progress was still very slow.The female historian also reported that, apart from dozing off, Li Weigong complained—"Don't let people live in peace", or asked: "What time is it? Is it time to get off work?" After two blisters, his face was full of wrinkles, because he was always dozing off at his desk, so his eyebrows were flat on his face, other than that, there was no major change in other places.What is especially unbelievable is that he can doze off so well, but he hasn't gained weight at all.

Regarding the latter point, the female historian who wrote his biography thought it was doubtful, because he slept so deeply that he didn't seem to be really asleep.In order to stimulate his olfactory nerves and keep him awake, she sprinkled a lot of musk perfume on her body, so that wherever she walked, the male cat would make a strange sound of "aiming", and the man stood up, and then stopped. Calling Chun Lai according to the solar term, and staying in the same room with Wei Gong, he couldn't hear it, and fell asleep at his desk as usual.There can only be one explanation for this matter, that is, Duke Wei is pretending to be asleep.In order to prevent Wei Gong from pretending to be asleep, she wore very short indoor clothes, but Wei Gong turned a blind eye to it, and only reminded her during the interval of dozing off: "Wrap in a cloak, don't catch a cold."Later, she gave Wei Gong a head job to wake him up, but Wei Gong still snored, and his place was so painful that people couldn't talk.It turns out that Wei Gong removed Coptis chinensis from the root of life.Duke Wei is invulnerable like this, which makes the female history very painful.She lost her self-confidence, thought she was not good-looking, and cried for several days.

two Li Weigong died shortly after his sixtieth birthday.According to the modern view, the cause of his death was myocardial infarction, which was related to old age and overnutrition; but this disease was called horse wind in ancient times, and it was said to be directly related to sexual intercourse. This is because the ancients were good at keeping in good health, and there was almost no chance of myocardial infarction except when doing that.In fact, if Hongfu hadn't said anything, no one would have known that Li Jing died of a horse-wind. With a big sexy mouth, you can talk about everything.

After Li Weigong's death, his complexion did not change, and his golden spear did not fall.The frightening thing about this incident is that Hong Fu and Wei Gong had sex that night, and he didn't know whether it was with a living person or a dead person.As soon as Hongfu talked about this incident, his pupils would dilate, and goosebumps would appear on the back of his hands (other people couldn't see it in other places, so they don't know if it happened).After talking about this matter, Hong Fu said: "Wei Gong is dead, and my life is meaningless."Others thought she was just talking, but who knew that she actually submitted an application and asked her husband to commit suicide.Others persuaded her, if Duke Wei is dead, we will all die sooner or later, so why worry about it.But she won't listen.

We said: Duke Wei is dead, which means that from now on, he can not be regarded as a person, but as a thing.Once something happens, there is no room for change.Now when we talk about Duke Wei riding around on a horse, we are not talking about that person, but about that event.In other words, Li Weigong's clock stopped at this place, but we can still turn the clock back.In the evening, he just staggered across the street in front of his house.There was no one on that street, only full of shade.That is to say, it was midsummer at that time, and the leaves eaten by silkworms grew again; and the people who lived on that street heard Wei Gong's snoring from afar and hid.Only the horse came over sideways, with a tap-dancing pace, and stopped suddenly when it reached the door of Duke Wei's house. Duke Wei fell off the horse, but his family members were waiting at the door with rope beds in their hands. , a bag, catch him, and carry him into the house.At the same time, the newly rolled ground was very flat, and the newly plastered walls were very straight, as smooth as a mirror everywhere; Weigong's snoring continued.Everything is as carefully arranged.This is what happens after an event, just as when a person dies all softness disappears and only a dry skeleton remains.

When Wei Gong was alive, he said that he hated Chang'an City very much. This was because the city was square and lacked vitality.All the houses face south, and the roofs are paved with clay prefabricated panels, so they are completely square boxes.At noon the sunny sides of all the houses were shining with sunlight, and the shaded sides of all the houses were covered with little shiny white squares, like white sheets hanging in the air--the reflection of the opposite wall.If someone walks by, they will cast their shadows into the reflection.All walk in the shadows, because it is forbidden to walk in the sun unnecessarily, but people like Wei Gong can walk anywhere.No matter the streets or alleys are so clean, except for the locust trees, there is no greenness, because there is not a single grass in Chang'an City.What makes Duke Wei most uncomfortable is that he caused this scene, because he built Chang'an City.Li Weigong not only built Chang'an City, but also established all the systems in Chang'an City.This is all because the emperor asked: "Li Aiqing, go and build a capital for me."There is nothing worse than building a city yourself and living in it yourself.To suck some shit, piss some piss, and bathe yourself in it, only pigs would do that; and if I know anything about pigs, they don't like it.

Using the current standard to measure Chang'an City, we would say that it is a very quiet city, because noise is prohibited in the city.Even hawkers are not allowed to shout, so they always hold up signs to stop pedestrians.Grass donkeys can enter the city, but donkeys are not allowed to enter the city, so for donkeys, Chang'an is a homosexual place.Male cats can be kept in the city, but female cats are not allowed, so they always go outside the city to call for spring.There are many women and few men in Chang'an City, which is very tempting to me.Needless to say, Li Weigong designed Chang'an City in this way for his own sake.But then he regretted it again, because when there are more women, women's rights will rise.There is also a special scene in Chang'an City, just like modern cities, there are telephone poles everywhere, communication lines in the sky, and there are some small mice pulling small carts on them, and there are letters in the carts.It is not difficult for a mouse to deliver a message, as long as you pick a small piece of bacon with a bamboo pole in front of it, it will crawl to the place where it should go.In the evening, an incense stick was lit on those small cars, so there were some flames creeping in the night sky of Chang'an.This is another invention of Duke Wei.It was a convenient facility to use, but he never used it.And he couldn't even look at it.

After Li Weigong died, he was kept in the memory of others.At this moment he became fragmented, like a broken plate.For example, when the female historian thought of Duke Wei, it was like this: In midsummer, when the house was full of greenery, Duke Wei sat on a chair and dozed off. Heavy skin.But Wei Gong is not fat.When one is sitting and sleeping, one does not look good.His office was paved with tiles soaked in tung oil and then polished like polished brass.A ray of sunlight filtered through the leaves, and through the half-open window fell on the ground, leaving a clean spot where scratches from polishing years ago could be seen.Then the sunlight reflected on the ceiling again, as if a cluster of candles were lit there.Later, a little green cicada, which we call "Futian", flew in from the window, screaming "Futian Futian" all the way, and landed on the pillar.There are very few cicadas in Chang'an City, and there are only small cicadas and no big cicadas.That female Shi was doing a blow job for Duke Wei, but she couldn't help but look back.When she turned around again, she happened to see Wei Gong looking at her with one eye open - it seemed that he was born with only one eye.Then he made a grimace, closed his eyes again and continued snoring.This scene is just like an English song: you do your way, I do mine.This matter was written into "Li Weigong Two or Three Things" by her.In fact, to her, Duke Wei is just these two or three things.He told her nothing.In addition, she also knew that Li Weigong stabbed a flying swallow in a fatal place.This is how she sees it: Duke Wei's sex symbol when he was young was Zhao Feiyan, but this is another wrong interpretation.Wei Gong was a hooligan when he was young. Hooligans are like thieves, they must have a pair of fast legs, stabbing a swallow in that place means hoping to run fast.We all know that swallows are the fastest flying birds, but that woman Shi didn't know.She was born in Chang'an City, where there are no other birds except chickens and ducks. three I do research on the history of technology.My colleague first proved that the Chinese had proved the Pythagorean theorem in the Zhou Dynasty. What is the proof? under the Chinese name.Then someone proved that there is Newtonian mechanics in Tang poetry, and the theory of relativity in Song poetry, which were published in various academic journals.Now I want to prove that it was Li Weigong who proved Fermat's theorem first, and he encountered much greater difficulties than them.First of all, I have to prove Fermat's theorem first, and secondly, I have to explain this theorem to Li Weigong.Of course, I can also explain it to myself, called Wang Er's theorem, but in this way it lacks romantic sentiment.The main difficulty is that I can't prove this Fermat's theorem at all - in the past three or four hundred years, everyone has been proving it, but no one has proved it.There are quite a few people who are proving that Fermat's theorem does not exist, and have not proved it.Since it is so difficult to prove, then why did Li Weigong prove him?Could it be that you are full? To explain why Li Weigong wanted to prove Fermat's theorem, it is necessary to talk about the situation when Li Jing sat on the floor and chatted with everyone in the lounge of the Turkish bath in Luoyang City.There was a Japanese present here at that time, shaved like Chaplin's mustache, wearing a short blue calico kimono, kneeling on the floor, and he called Li Jing Li Yang (Sang); there was also a man from the Balkan Peninsula. a man with a broad, stupid face, a gold ring on his nose, and a bathrobe sitting on a cushion; and a yellow-bearded Greek with a bath towel round his waist.Li Weigong himself was not wearing anything, and sat cross-legged on the ground.He was quite fit, so there were a lot of greedy eyes on him in the dark place - this bathroom is a place for gay activities.But Li Weigong himself is not gay, he came here because there is free marijuana in the bathroom.That kind of smoke was contained in a cast-iron pipe between them, and because the pipe was so heavy, there was a rotatable bracket underneath, which looked like a cannon.People turned pipes, took turns smoking, looked as if they were taking turns killing themselves--but that didn't matter.The important thing is that during the interval of smoking, the Greek wrote down Fermat's theorem on the floor with a crayon by the light of a candle on the pipe, and said in Chinese with Dulu, who If it is proved, whoever is the most intelligent person in the world.These words flew into Li Weigong's dark heart like a stream of fireflies.Proving Fermat's theorem proves that he is the smartest person, which is worth doing.He later proved himself to be the smartest man in the world.I can also point out that he was the smartest when the eleventh plank hit the iron plate on his buttocks and made a metallic sound when he was pressed to the ground. When the twelfth plank fell, not only he, but all The world is not as smart as it was just now.But it didn't do him any favors. As a Chinese, you must not only have the wisdom to prove yourself smart, but also have the wisdom to prove yourself stupid, otherwise there will be endless troubles.By writing this incident, I probably proved my deficiency in the latter respect, and planted the seeds of my own disaster.To explain why we look for Newtonian mechanics in Tang poetry and the theory of relativity in Song poetry, we need to mention that we have something to tell the boss, either to prove that we are practical, or that we have ornamental value, in short, we must The value of existence.It proves that both the theory of relativity and Newtonian mechanics were first discovered by the Chinese, and it promotes the national culture, even if it has ornamental value.It proves other things, and the bosses don't like to watch it either. I haven't proved Fermat's theorem yet, but I have figured out how to publish it. This way is to call it Li Jing's theorem.There are many people who are smart enough to make proofs and invent theories, but not smart enough to publish them. The degree of difficulty of this matter is unimaginable to those who have not done research.If a theorem has not been proved for two or three centuries, when you prove it, you will definitely not be able to hold thirty or forty pages, and you will definitely write a book.You have to find an authority to affirm it before you have a chance to publish it.But the authority is at least 70 or 80 years old, and it is difficult to live. How can you have the energy to read your extremely difficult thesis?So you have no choice but to miss your talent and die in depression.If it is called "Li Jing's theorem" and it is said to be the proof of Li Weigong, it will definitely not be a problem to publish it.It really doesn't matter who certifies it.Since I'm not acting stupid at all in this regard, I don't feel the need to belittle myself.For people like Wei Gong and me, there is the biggest misunderstanding.People think we've chosen to live the way we live -- dreamy, deluded -- and that's why we're a bunch of nerds.This view is wrong.It's purely in our nature that we do.Take me for example, if I don't want Fermat's theorem, I will think about other things, maybe I will write novels, maybe I will write poems, and the novels and poems I write will be disgusting things again. Things we can't even control ourselves.This may be due to the growth of tumors in the head.If the world were full of people like us, it would have an air of insecurity.There is no way to do this, so I have to let it be like this. Li Weigong is the smartest person in the world, which is recognized by everyone in Datang.The Emperor of the Tang Dynasty said: I am sage, and Li Aiqing is smart.Therefore, if a citizen of the Tang Dynasty dared to think that he was smarter than Duke Wei, people would not only say that he was a megalomaniac and crazy, but also send him to the government for severe punishment.The emperor favored Li Weigong very much, and often recruited Hongfu into the palace and told him: You should often cook fish for Li Qing to eat!Fish nourishes the brain.Eating fish made Li Weigong smell fishy all over his body, and when Fan Dun took a walk, there was always a group of cats following behind him.In addition, there are many headaches.Because everyone knows who is the smartest person in the world, they push all the things that use their brains to Li Weigong.For example, even the public toilets in Chang'an were designed by Li Jing.Li Weigong designed the toilet in the shape of a multi-corner pavilion. Each corner is a compartment, with two types of octagonal and hexagonal.But his subordinates were not as smart as him, so they made the octagonal ones into men's toilets, and the hexagonal ones into women's toilets.We know that there are more women than men in Chang'an City, so the women's toilets will soon be insufficient.Li Weigong had no choice but to design another sign, which was hung on the door of each cubicle, with "Qian" written on one side and "Kun" written on the other. Just turn it over, and the men's room can be turned into a women's room.This is called upside-down dry moaning.He has to worry about twice for the mere toilet, so Li Weigong lives very tired.In order to avoid these messy things, he began to pretend to be asleep, making a false appearance of Alzheimer's disease.At home and in class, he would walk without opening his eyes.He only opened one right eye when he was in an unfamiliar place, in case he bumped into a tree.In this situation, he looked like a sniper ready to fire.If someone saw it, he could explain that he not only had Alzheimer's disease, but also suffered from early hemiplegia, and could not even open his left eye.Only when he was having sex with Hongfu, did he open both eyes fully.He only believed in Hong Fu, and believed that she would not go to the emperor and report that he was pretending to be unfaithful.This is how Li Weigong pretended to be stupid. He pretended to be stupid for several years, but no one exposed him. The strange thing about this incident is that when Li Weigong was young, he tried his best to prove that he was a smart person, but when he was old, he had to pretend to be stupid, which was inconsistent.But this is also the most fun part of being a Chinese. Four Li Weigong pretended to be an idiot, pretended to be sick, and finally passed through.The person who betrayed him was either someone else or himself.When he finally died, not only was he straight, but both eyes were open.He should have been limp before he died, or closed his eyes before he died, and it was better to die limp and closed, but it was too late, and he died very quickly.The emperor went to Wei Gong's mansion to pay homage to his remains, frowned when he saw it, and said to the people around him: Isn't Wei Gong sick and can't open his left eye? !This shows that the emperor is not just bragging when he says that he is holy.He often sent little eunuchs to buy some Japanese mystery novels printed on Koryo paper, and he could deduce the whole case just by reading one page.Even if no one reported that Wei Gong died of horse wind, he could guess what disease he died of when he saw the bulging waist of Wei Gong in the coffin.There must be someone beside the person who dies from this disease.That is to say, Li Weigong not only betrayed himself, but also betrayed Hong Fu - Hong Fu knew that Li Jing pretended to be sick and refused to report it, which was also disloyal to the emperor.Coming out of Duke Wei's mansion and looking at the street scene in Chang'an, the emperor said: Li Jing, the city he designed is really ugly!This shows that the emperor no longer likes Li Jing.Fortunately, he is dead, and the emperor can't play tricks on him.But Hong Fu is still alive, this situation is very unfavorable to her.Li Weigong pretended to be stupid and failed. Although he didn't hurt himself, he hurt his wife.This shows that as a Chinese, one cannot relax for a moment in pretending to be stupid, and one has to pretend until one is dead, and one cannot take it lightly.It's better to be able to continue playing dumb after death.Wei Gong's situation is an excellent example. If Li Weigong wanted to be completely successful in playing dumb, he would not only play dumb outside and at home, but also play dumb when making love to Hong Fu, crawling on her with his eyes closed and drooling.In this way, from the outside, no one knows whether he is really stupid or not; and he also looks stupid when he dies immediately after getting wind.The emperor came to take a look, and he stroked the coffin and mourned: Li Qing, Li Qing, is a hardworking king, so tired that his brain has turned into tofu!Then, with tears in his eyes, he made a decree, prohibiting everyone in the world from eating tofu, except himself.The bad thing about doing this is that Hongfu will feel very uncomfortable when having sex with a bad old man with his eyes closed and drooling.But she can't refuse, because she is Mrs. Yipin.Mrs. Yipin is the one who has to have sex with the first-rank officials. This is her job.A first-rank official should be someone who closes his eyes and drools, otherwise he should have bad breath.If you don't close your eyes, don't salivate, and don't have bad breath, Mrs. Yipin's salary will be very easy to get.This shows that Mrs. Yipin should have a little practicality.In this situation, all she could do was draw a pair of eyes on Wei Gong's eyelids with her thrush pen, and then put a mask on him.Because I do research in the history of technology, I must be able to understand the ancients.According to my understanding, when Li Weigong wanted to prove that he was smart when he was young, his state of mind must be like leading an army to face a rich city and eager to attack it.But when he has proved that he is very smart and wants to pretend to be stupid, it is like being surrounded by thousands of troops alone.I can also understand the emperor of the Tang Dynasty, his state of mind is like a fickle beauty - when he likes Li Jing, he says nastyly: Li Aiqing is also a beautiful woman!It doesn't matter that others can't get goosebumps when they hear it.If you don't like Li Jing, just say: Li Jing is a killer!The difference from the woman's withdrawal is that he said that whoever kills a thousand knives will be killed a thousand knives. After the killing, the person will become thin slices of meat, which will be cooked in a hot pot. Li Weigong escaped from Luoyang City when he was young, and established Chang'an City when he was old.Aside from their outward appearance, the two cities are alike—for example, both are under strict control, and fantasies are illegal.In this way, Weigong is like a coral polyp living in the ocean - this low-level animal lives in a solid lime shell. If you peel off his shell, he will spit lime and build another one.Suppose there is an animal that is much higher than us, and the difference between us and them is as great as that between man and coral polyp. They will come to the conclusion that man is like a coral polyp. Created, at least one person named Li Jing has already done this.There are some polyps living in the test tubes of marine biologists, and I don't think these polyps understand this.They will think that the test tube is also a very wide world.And the place we call "Earth" is probably a test tube.And the 5,000-year civilization that we are so proud of is probably just a page in other people's experimental records.Those damn things that experiment with us don't believe in our intelligence any more than we understand the intelligence of coral polyps.This shows that as long as you are not a species, you cannot understand the wisdom of others, and all you see are some weird behaviors. Now we can talk about the situation when Li Weigong proved Fermat's theorem when he was young.Suppose I prove Fermat's theorem, and do so while traveling by steamship.Then the ship sank, and I escaped to the island alone.Under such circumstances, of course, I couldn't bear to let my hard work be buried, so I just sent it out on a short-wave transmitter, without thinking about whether anyone would receive it, let alone any response.The same is true of Li Weigong.He was afraid of being beaten, so he wrote it in the most cryptic language, and wrote it in the most inconspicuous place, just to be able to print it out, and he didn't want people to understand it at all (this is what I still can't understand. understandable reasons).But there was an immediate response to this matter. On the fifth day of every month, he would definitely receive a money order.The money orders of the Sui Dynasty are very different from the current ones. Whether it is the Money order of the West Union or the green letter money order of the People’s Republic of China, you can see who sent it.The drafts of the Sui Dynasty are some patterns on a piece of leather branded with a soldering iron. Not only can it not be seen who sent it, but also how much money was remitted.All we know is that if the money order is made of cowhide, it is fifty taels of silver; if it is made of horsehide, it is one hundred taels of silver.But these two kinds of leather are difficult to distinguish after they are made into leather, so the only way is to find a cow and a horse, and determine their value according to which of these two animals shed tears when they smell the money order.The money order that Li Jing received was the kind that a cow would cry when he heard it, so it was fifty taels of silver, which happened to be his living expenses for a month.There can be a four-word postscript on this kind of money order. If you are sending a congratulatory gift to a newlywed couple, ask the staff at the exchange office to brand the words "Hundred Years of Love".If someone dies, and you collect a funeral ceremony, you will be asked to mark it as mourning and obedience, and so on.On the money order that Li Jing got, there were four large characters of "Miankai Zunkou", which made people very puzzled.And since he received the first money order, there have been two tolerances behind him, no matter where he goes, those two people follow behind him, and they hold half red and half black sticks.This kind of stick is called water and fire stick. Some people say that red represents fire, and black represents water. Together, it means the harmony of yin and yang, and the meaning of good weather, but I doubt whether it is so auspicious.Red is the color of bleeding, black is the color of bruises.In ancient times, shuihuo means defecating, and shuihuo stick means hitting you so that you can pee and shit.When Li Jing talked to others, as long as he spoke more than five sentences, Tolerance would give the other party a blow in the head, and he opened the scoop on the spot.In this way, no one will talk to Li Jing anymore, which makes him very lonely.He asked the two tolerances why, but they didn't answer.If you are in a hurry, write a few words on the ground with your toes: Instructions from your superiors. This incident happened when Li Weigong was young, and it was the result of his proving and publishing Fermat's theorem.In this way, he proved that he was extremely clever, and in exchange for this kind of cleverness, he earned a monthly income of fifty taels of silver.That's quite a lot of money, as far as I can see.It's a pity that the leaders didn't just give you money when they took a fancy to you.Li Weigong lacked mental preparation for this, so it is not surprising that he made a big mistake later. After Li Weigong followed the two tolerances, he was no longer cynical, but felt very depressed and uncomfortable.He began to rack his brains to get rid of the two stalking guys, and he still had some ways in this regard.One of the ways was that he got on the crutches and ran down the street, let the two guys follow behind him panting on the crutches, ran for a while, and threw them off.But then those two guys found a light donkey cart, and this trick didn't work.Two legs can't run as fast as four.Another way is to jump over a house with a running run, and then onto another street.Considering that he stepped on a two-foot crutch, this approach is not as shocking as it seems on the surface, but when landing on another street, it is possible to insert the crutch into someone's sky cap.When you are walking on the road, you don't like to see some heavy people descending from the sky, so when Mr. Wei does this kind of thing, it becomes like a mouse crossing the street, everyone shouts and beats.Later, he discovered a new anti-stalking method, which was to take the subway with a bag in his hand, paint his eyebrows in the darkness, change into women's clothes, and put on fake breasts to make the two tolerances unrecognizable.But it's not easy to do these things in the dark. It's common to draw eyebrows and mouths crookedly, and sometimes put fake breasts on the back to look like a camel.Li Weigong tried his best in this way, and his purpose was just to drink for a while alone. Fives After Li Weigong died, Hongfu didn't want to live anymore, she wanted to kill herself, but the system of the Tang Dynasty was strict.Everything has to be included in the plan, so she has to go to various yamen every day to go through the formalities of dying for her husband.The officials were very polite to her and approved of her plan, but they still asked her to wait for the target.She needs various indicators. First, she needs an abnormal death indicator.This is because only 300 people die abnormally every year in Chang'an City, including those who died from vehicles, soldiers, water, and fire, and poisons, only sickness and old age are not included.This matter should be handled by the Yamen of the Ministry of Punishment.The officials in charge of this matter searched and found that the number of people who died in various ways has greatly exceeded the quota, and only the person who hanged next month still has room, so she was approved to hang herself.Hongfu was very disgusted with this way of death, frowning and rolling his eyes.The official was so frightened that he quickly knelt down for her and said: Madam, this matter must require your attention.If you wipe your neck casually and die, the salary of our general department will be fined, and adults and children will drink Northwest Wind!After getting the approval to hang himself, he has to go to the Ministry of Rites to go through the formalities. This is because the widow's sacrificing her husband belongs to the category of ideology.Officials from the Ethos Department of the Ministry of Rites said that too many people sacrificed their husbands this season, which made the atmosphere of the whole society tend to be pessimistic.So at least until the next quarter.For this matter, I have to wrestle with the Ministry of punishment again.除此之外，还要在死掉之前注销各种注册，户籍，会员等等。这些事情多得简直办不完。而且不能托别人办。不管怎么说，她有车子，有身份，已经占了好大的便宜。最起码到了礼部可以在贵宾室喝着香片等候接待，用不着像那些小寡妇那样，在办公室门外站队，战战兢兢地听到里面怒吼连声：光想自己立贞节牌坊，就不想想给我们的工作带来多少麻烦！红拂是个极富想像力的人，偶尔听到人家在喝斥别的寡妇，就要联想到自己身上去。虽然每个人都对她说，大唐朝的命妇申请殉节她是第一人，光这一点就很值得尊重，但是她还是觉得这些话是在说她。在礼部填写有关表格时，在“殉节动机”这栏里，她填上了“觉得活着太麻烦”。后来在别人的一再启发下，才添上了思念卫公。这样添了以后，她觉得活着更麻烦了。后来她又发现表格上有“殉节方式”一栏，就填上了“割腕”两个字。后来礼部官员看那张表时，就说刑部批您上吊，您怎能割腕呢。这份表只好重填，想要贴上张白纸条改过是不成的，因为这是命妇殉节，有关材料恐怕要呈皇上御览，有贴补的地方不行。可是那些表格少的也有三四十页，全都要用工楷填写。重填真是麻烦死了。 后来红拂才发现，想死掉也不容易，这些手续老也办不完。正是因为这些手续老也办不完，所以长安城里每个寡妇都在办殉节手续。这样可以寄托她们的哀思，同时也表示死了一个丈夫她不是无动于衷。有了这样的名声，将来再醮起来也方便。所有殉节的寡妇要去的衙门，墙上都贴满了征婚启事，而且有无数执绰子弟在那里和排队的女人歪缠。有好多女人排了几次队，就和别的男人结婚了，真正坚持到底死掉了的，十个里也没有一个。而且就是那个死了的，别人还要说她是找不到对像绝望而死的。幸亏红拂有大唐第一美女之名，所以还没人说她是因为再嫁不出去才要寻死的，但是所有外面的人见到了她，总要说她有志气。家里的对她则有另外一种说法，比方说，她女儿就老说：妈，你都那么大年纪了，还出这种风头干嘛？就和现在一个人报名去西藏时人家说他的一样。红拂被这种境遇逼得要发疯，但是手续还是办不完。有时候人家说，还要再研究一下。有时候人家说，已经报上去了。但是到上面去一问，却说没见到来文嘛——大概是送公文的老鼠碰上猫了。直到她忍无可忍，宣布说不办这些手续了，自己要去找根绳子吊死算了。这一下大家都着了慌，忙着给她四下催办。这样在李卫公死了六个月之后，红拂的殉节手续总算是办妥了。 有关红拂想要自杀的事，还有必要补充几句。做为大唐朝的一品夫人，她很少出门去为指标奔忙。这一点和别人很不一样——假如你是个小贩，对指标就不会这么陌生，月初月尾你都在各种衙门里，为自己的摊位指标而奔波，故而长安城里的市场在月初月尾总是空空荡荡，连瓶酱油都买不到。假如你是个泥水匠，对指标这件事也不会太陌生，因为不管谁来请你盖房子，你都忘不了问一句：搞到盖房的指标了没有？但是她也有需要指标的时候，最起码在自杀时是要的。虽然她说过要不办手续径直吊死，但是并未准备实行。这是因为她不是没有责任感的人。这就是说，她也怕人家骂她。假如我生在唐朝，是个做小买卖的，就因为邻居吊死了个李卫公夫人就要把我提起来打一顿，我也要破口大骂。做为一个贵妇人责任十分重大，最起码街坊邻居屁股的安危全系于她一身。 等到手续办妥，尽到了对邻居的责任，红拂以为可以洗洗脸梳梳头就上吊了，家里却来了一大群人，其中为首的是个魏老婆子。这位老太大在宫里面工作，专门负责嫔妃上吊事宜。她来传达皇后娘娘的慈旨说，红拂这个小蹄子，干什么都是乱七八糟。魏大娘，你去替我指导指导。从那时起，红拂上吊的准备事项就在专家的领导下进行，和她自己没了关系。这件事已经列入了计划，拿到了指标，此后的事情虽然还很复杂，比方说，工部要行文到岭南，要当地砍一棵上等的楠木，来给红拂做棺材；国子监要把红拂写入明年魏征丞相的国情咨文内本年度社会风气继续好转一节；国史馆要把她修入正史；中书省要给她拟定谥号等等，这些都和她没有了关系。她只管等到一个良辰吉日死掉就可。而且这一点也和她没有什么关系：不到那个日子，她想死都死不了，到了那个日子，她想活也活不成了。这就是说，虽然红拂暂时还是活着的，但是我们已经可以把她当作一件事了。 six 有关红拂殉夫自杀的事，还有些可以补充的地方。她初萌死志时，觉得自己在如何死掉这方面缺少想像力，就跑去逛自杀用品商店。据我所知，现代所有的自杀方式，在大唐都有了。比方说，现代有用手枪自杀的，唐代也有，只不过是用单手操作的短弩，对准自己的太阳穴发射一支七寸长的弩箭。现代有用管道煤气自杀的，而在唐代是用铜皮制做的烧炭的炉子烧出煤气来，再经过水洗冷却，用管道导到口鼻里，保证你吸到纯净的一氧化碳。只有触电自杀很麻烦，必须在雷雨天放出铁线风筝去招引天上的雷电。 不管怎么说，在大唐朝的长安城里，想要死掉的人可以得到一流的服务。自杀用品商店甚至拥有一支打井队伍，供那些决心投井而死，但又不想污染水源的人服务。但是在出动那支队伍之前，店里的自杀顾问总要劝你淹死在一个水晶槽子里。那个槽子里养了各种金鱼热带鱼，还有几只绿毛乌龟，在那里你可以与家人挥手告别，一面就近欣赏美丽的水族，一面从容步入阴曹地府，这种死法实在很高尚——当然，也花费不菲。红拂虽然当时正在丧偶的哀痛中，见了这样琳琅满目的商品，也不免精神为之一振。你知道吧，女人就是喜欢这种景象。众多的式样，众多的质地，众多的选择。这就叫消费。当时她说：我恨不得把各种死法全都来过。等到和店里的经理谈过之后，才知道此地众多诱人的死法里没有一种是属于她的。她是朝廷命妇，死法要由头头们安排。当时她一气之下就大放厥词，丧心病狂地攻击大唐朝的制度，顺便也把已死的卫公骂了一顿，因为这些制度都是卫公制定的。像这样的话当然不能让她白说了，早上十点钟她乱说了一顿，吃午饭时现场记录就装订成册，冠以《李卫公未亡人反动言论》的题目，呈到了皇上手里。皇上看了勃然大怒，几乎要下一道旨意，宣布李靖是前朝反动头子杨素的走狗，是埋进大唐心脏的一颗定时炸弹；这样就可以“办”李靖，顺理成章地宣布红拂是他的同谋，把她抓起来收拾一顿。幸亏皇后及时劝说道：急什么呢？红拂没死，还在我们手里；皇帝以为此言有理，就没有下那道旨意。否则的话，我们就不会知道世界上有过一个李卫公，更不会知道他证出了费尔马定理。中国历史上有好多人都被“办”过，然后就消失了，好像从来就没存在过一样。 现在可以说说红拂为什么对大唐的制度不满意。李卫公在大唐位极人臣，红拂的地位也极高，两口子的薪水加在一起什么都买得起，但是什么都不能买。举例言之，假如红拂需要一件内衣，她本可以去买一件纯棉的，或是真丝的，或是开斯米，或是毛麻混纺的；虽然最终只能买一件，但是当她在纯棉、真丝、开斯米、毛麻混纺中选择一件时，就等于把上述织物一齐占有。做为女人，生命的很大一部分是为了纯棉或真丝或开斯米或毛麻混纺，但是她只能拥有一件粉红色的厚法兰绒睡袍，穿上好像卡通片里的粉红豹。这就不是买不买得起的问题。说实在的，假如不嫌金子太沉、太冰人，她完全可以买件金片内衣穿上。主要的问题是她不能买。 按照大唐的制度，一品命妇只能够穿法兰绒的粉红睡袍。而这种睡袍也只能够有一种式样，这种式样又是卫公做的设计——谁让他是大唐第一聪明的人呢，所以他除了设计城市，设计制度，还要设计女人的内衣。这种睡袍长及足踵，有一个风帽，还有六个盛东西的口袋，正面有二十四个绊扣，既不好穿，更不好脱，总体上像个结构复杂的布口袋。套在这种口袋里，红拂一尺七的腰围和肥婆三尺三的腰围就没了区别。李卫公还活着的时候，每天晚上红拂都要穿着这种袍子把他臭骂一顿。而在那种时候，李靖总是只睁一只右眼躺在床上，为她解那些扣子，等到扣子解完，红拂骂完，他才把两只眼睛全睁开。李靖一死，红拂没有了可骂的人，觉得活着没有意思，就想寻死了。这个故事说明，想证明自己是聪明人是一件很要不得的事，不但会给自己招来麻烦，还会连累老婆。但是李卫公当年急于证明自己很聪明时，根本就没有想到这些。等到已经证明了自己聪明，就没有了后悔的余地。 seven 李卫公住在洛阳城里，背后跟着两个公差时，感到很大的压力。这件事的起因是头头们已经知道了他是个聪明人，对聪明人头头们总是要严加防范。然后他就把全部聪明放在了摆脱那两个公差上，取得了很大成功。有一天中午，他一个人跑到酒楼上喝闷酒，喝醉了之后和酒保打了起来。李卫公是一个流氓，身上藏有凶器，具体地说，是一根带有倒钩的铁链子，人称蜈蚣鞭那一种，一下打在对方的脸上，把整张脸全扯掉了。后来这个酒保伤好了，每天出门前都要用蜂蜡在脸上塑出五官。看起来还是满漂亮的，只是不能喝热汤。只要他把脸对着一盆热汤，整张脸都要软化，下坠，甚至流淌，坐在他对面的人则有可能被吓死。卫公干了这件坏事，大家都觉得不能原谅他。全体酒保，大厨，甚至老板娘都拥到楼上来打他，手里拿着菜刀，火叉，顶门杠；别的客人则向他投掷酱油壶。李卫公不能抵挡，就从窗户跳了出去，落到了邻居的房顶上。这一下更糟了，隋朝的房顶是一层单批瓦放在椽子上，被他一踩稀里哗啦。房主在下面看得清清楚楚，一脚一个天窗。这种情形谁都不能忍受，所以那些人也跑了出去，拣起碎砖烂瓦就打他。 有关这件事有需要补充的地方：不管哪朝哪代，总是砖比土坯值钱，瓦又比砖值钱。我们花了钱买了瓦铺在房顶上，可不是为了叫人踩碎的呀。我年轻时在云南插队，有一阵子在副业队里，制过瓦。这种工作的烦难之处是要制出上等的泥巴。这种泥要能够在地上垛成矮墙而不倒塌，然后从泥垛上用弓割下一片泥，制成筒形，等它干了破成三片，就是瓦坯。这种坚韧的泥则是要用土和水经反复践踏来制成。这一步可以用老水牛来完成，但是必须制止它往泥里屙屎，不管多大的一摊泥，进了一泡牛屎就全完了。好在牛屙屎前要扬起尾巴，在这种时刻你必须猛扑过去，按住牛尾巴，把它拖出合泥的现场。而牛在大便时被人打断，脾气则会变得非常之坏，完全不肯合作。我常在干这种事时被它们甩出老远，甚至被甩到草房顶上。 另一种办法是在干活之前找一块橡皮膏把它们的肛门贴住。但是干完了活非常累，往往会忘记再把橡皮膏揭下来。牛感到肚胀时（这往往是夜里十二点），它就来找我，撞开宿舍门，挑开蚊帐，来舔我的脸。我从睡梦中醒来，看到眼前一个硕大的牛头，就会想到自己平生所做的亏心事——它们准是我下到地狱，面对牛头马面的原因。我讲这些事是要说明瓦片来得不容易，应当珍惜。因而我要是生在大隋朝，一定也在追打卫公的行列里。卫公已经醉了，又被打得晕头转向，就在房顶上飞奔起来，所以追打他的人越来越多，后来还引起了一场骚乱。这件事表面上是因为李靖自暴自弃，酗酒过度造成的，其实却不是这样。这主要是因为一朝一代，一时一地容不下很多聪明人。举例言之，杨素是大隋朝的聪明人，他建立了隋朝的制度，建造了洛阳城，李卫公活在其中就觉得格格不入，早晚要在这里招灾惹祸。而杨素早就知道他要招灾惹祸。这是因为杨素也爱好几何学，发现了几种做图法，但是没有证明毕达哥拉斯定理。他也爱好数学，发明了以他的名字命名的“杨素级数”，但没有证出费尔马定理。因此李靖活着就有危险了。古代就是这么糟糕，总共就这几门学问，大家老撞车。相比之下，生活在近代是多么幸福。近代的领袖人物都喜欢哲学，那咱们就去搞别的学好了。偶尔有个把斯大林喜欢语言学，喜欢语言学的聪明人可以改行研究化学。现在杨素、李卫公、马克思都死了，我来研究数学并无妨碍。但我绝对不会去碰经济学、政治学、还有社会学，而把它们留给有身份的人。 以下的例子可以说明李卫公比杨素要聪明，但这种聪明是老年以后的事：杨素是个相当不错的数学家，自己编了以他的名字命名的《杨代数》《杨几何》，结果遭致大隋皇帝的嫉妒，说他的数学书有政治问题，全部禁掉了，到现在一本也找不到。李卫公却把他的数学成就写进了大唐朝的历书，当然，用了一套极复杂的术语。比方说，说有一个变量x时就说是皇上，圣上等等，再有一个变量y，就说母后，皇后；万岁是平方，万万岁是立方，万寿无疆是常数。故而一个x的多项式——二倍的x平方加x立方加一个常数项就可以表达为“皇上万岁万岁万万岁万寿无疆”。假如这个多项式等于另一个变量y，就写作：“皇后，皇上万岁万岁万万岁万寿无疆”。当然这还要看上下文，否则连林彪也成了数学家。这样写成的数学书观赏性实用性齐备，当然没有政治问题，唯一的不便之处就是非常的难懂。我懂得他的一切把戏，又知道他的全部数学知识（费尔马定理除外），看他的书还是十分费劲。 李卫公年轻时是这样在洛阳城里招灾惹祸的——他喝醉了酒，在房顶上奔跑，引来了一大群人跟在他背后抛砖打瓦。这在看街的公差看来很像是聚众闹事的样子。当然，造成这件事的罪魁祸首是卫公，但是公差们不肯往房上看，所以把他漏过去了；他们只看到地下有成群的人在跑，就挥舞着棍子朝他们冲来。洛阳城里的百姓很是本份，见到官差冲过来也不跑，反而站在原地不动：见到棒子打过来也不躲，反而用脑门子去迎，然后就一人挨了一棍倒在地下。在这方面我可以举出一个例子来：假如我骑车闯了红灯，警察只要伸出一根手指一勾，我就老老实实地过去；他朝我大喝一声：你瞎呀！我就说：我瞎我瞎；他又说：瞎怎么骑车？我就说：刚才瞎了；就这样一问一答，直到他让我滚蛋为止。这件事到此本可告一段落——我们都已犯过错误，受过了惩罚，可以老老实实回家了，谁知又出了岔子。有人发现李靖这小子一下都没挨地跑掉了。于是大家就去和公差讲，然而公差绝不承认有什么李靖在房上跑。如果承认了这一点，就是承认了大隋朝的官差办事不力，刑名不公正，进而动摇国基。但是当时有上百人看见了李靖喝得烂醉，在房上奔跑。两边争吵了起来，吵到了最后，有成千的人聚了起来，围着公差起哄。官府里派出了更多的官差去镇压，起哄的人很快就多到了上万人。没上街起哄的人在家里也不肯闲着，找出个破铁罐乱敲乱汀，很快整个洛阳城就变得像个黑白铁作坊。这种声音红拂在石头墙后面也听见了，很想跑出去看看，但是当时她刚洗了头发。我们说过她的头发有三丈长，刚洗过之后，有四百多斤，故而她只能躺着不动，一动就会扭断脖子。这种声音李靖也听见了，当时他在酒坊街自己一个旧相好李二娘家里，两个人已经上了床，所以不便出去看。他的判断是外面月食了，在这种情况下大家总要使劲敲盆，直到月亮亮了为止。其实不敲盆月亮也会亮，实在这是白费力气，还在铜盆上凿了好多坑。他们俩找了几块棉花把耳朵塞住了。幸亏他们没有出去看，假如出去了，未必能活着回来。当时街头的骚乱非常的厉害，官差镇压不了，当局已经出动了军队，千军万马正从洛阳的四个城门开进来。 Eight 我说过，大隋朝的人非常安分守己，但是也有起哄的时候，那时候大家围着官差乱嚷嚷。这种情形说明大家的头上都有点痒，需要挨上一棒。在大多数情况下，官差可以满足他们的愿望。但是那天晚上起哄的人太多了，官差打不过来，这就使起哄的人觉得嚷嚷不够过瘾，进而投掷砖头。这种情况说明需要有更多的官差和打人的棒子。一个壮年男子，假如棒子趁手，可以一口气打破十个人的头。这说明在洛阳城里，差民之比不应低于一比十。在骚乱时，洛阳城里没有达到这个比例。 那一天傍晚时分，大隋的军队开进洛阳城来镇压骚乱，队伍整齐，军威雄壮。来的有装甲步兵、轻步兵、铁甲骑兵、工程兵，炮兵等兵种。太尉杨素骑在一匹大象上指挥。我们知道，那支军队是杨素亲手设计的，那一次是首次上阵。他先派炮兵上前，用弩炮轰击暴民。那种炮也是杨素设计的，别人的炮发射梭镖、炮石之类，弹道是直线，他以为不好，容易闪躲，所以他的炮发射的是一种铁制的飞去来。这种炮弹飞旋而出，不但威力惊人，而且会自动飞回炮位上，所以永远不缺乏弹药。几次齐射以后，大路两边的树全被砍倒了，飞去来全钻进路两边的房子里去了。弩炮没了炮弹，只好退回来。然后他派出装甲步兵上前消灭敌人。大隋的装甲步兵也有与众不同处，本人并不穿盔甲，由两名助手举着盾牌挡护，看上去像个贝类。这样做的好处是他不受盔甲之累，不好处是当两名助手被飞来的砖头击中倒地时，他就失去了防护，好像正在蜕壳的爬虫，既可怜，又无害。杨素只好命令铁甲骑兵前去冲击，这种骑兵披着重铠，头顶钢盔，暴民投掷的砖头对他们不构成危害；而且三十匹马连成一排，冲起来威力强大。可惜的是城里的街道太窄，只要两边的马撞上了房子，中间的马就停住，马上的骑士全都摔到马前面去了。后来工兵又冲上去拆毁房子，平出了空场，但是暴民谁也不上空场上来，而是往后面的窄街里退。幸亏轻步兵抄了他们的后路，把他们撵到空场上来。铁甲骑兵就对准他们来了一次长矛冲锋。但是几经折腾，铁甲骑兵都累了，端不平手里的重矛枪，在全队飞奔的时候，那些矛尖往往扎到了地上，于是骑士就被矛柄的弹性弹得满天乱飞，砸死了一些暴民，也砸死了一些在家里睡觉的老百姓，还砸死了不少自己人。睡觉者的死亡实属冤枉，他们在家里睡得好好的，忽然轰地一声响，房顶被铁甲骑士砸穿，骑士头顶上的盔枪直扎心脏。那些活着的暴民见了这种场面，一面哈哈大笑，一面夺路而逃。 杨素率千军万马折腾了半夜，没杀死几个暴民，反倒折损不少军马。这种重大的损失，完全是李靖导致的。但他自己还一点都不知道。第二天早上他从酒坊街回家，看到了很古怪的景象：路边上净是烧毁了的房子，大街上净是杀死了的人，整座洛阳城净是焦糊味、血腥味、还有满街的马粪味，真是可怕极了。举例而言，每棵大树上都有一根梭镖，上面穿了五六个人，好像一根穿好了还没下油锅的羊肉串一样，这种景象决不能说是正常。有些人还没有死得太透，正在汀哆嗦。卫公找到了一个看上去较有活力的家伙，朝他脸上连吹了好几口气，那人就醒了过来，说道：怎么这么臭（这一点倒不足怪，你要是大醉了一场，第二天早上嘴也会臭得像个粪坑）？然后看清了是李靖，就朝他脸上猛啐一口，啐得他掩面而逃。再往前走，就出现了赶着牛车的人，他们把死人往车上拾（要是像这样成串的人搬起来就较方便），遇上了死得不透的人就在他脑袋上敲一下。再往前走，有好多人手持蘸了石灰水的刷子，把烧得乌黑的废墟都刷白了。再往前走，就是一片白银世界，回头看也见不到一个死人，一点火烧的痕迹，一滴血。卫公眨眨了几下眼，以为见到了幻像，喝了很多酒之后，看见一些幻像也属正常（没喝酒有幻像也属正常），所以我们还是把它忘了罢。 那一天洛阳城里发生的事我们已经讲了一些，但从这些情形还不能解释第二天早上的景象，因为那只是前半夜的景象。杨素率军镇压暴民，前半夜很不顺利，到了午夜十二点，他又累又烦，就下一道命令：就地解散，明早上集合；然后骑着大象回家睡觉去了。那些兵听到这些命令欢呼一声，扔下手里的长枪，脱下盔甲，只穿内衣，拿短刀，三个一群五个一伙，朝小胡同里散去了。然后整个洛阳就变得死寂一片，到底发生了什么我也说不清了。我只知道从午夜到天明的四五个小时里，洛阳城里的男人死掉了六分之一。又过了整整十个月，全城的婴儿出生率猛增，而且那些孩子都叫“大军”，“小兵”（以上男名），“丽军”，“芳兵”（以上女名）一类的名字，以致后来重名的人极多。这说明这些孩子的出世和当兵的有一定关系。其中还有一些孩子皮肤总是冰凉的，不管天多么热，总是不出汗，就是那些铁甲骑兵的作品。除此之外，当夜还发生了无数起火灾。但是洛阳城极大，也有些大兵没到的地方，酒坊街就是其中之一。正是因为这一点，李卫公后来就懵懵懂懂，根本不知道昨晚上发生了什么。大家恶狠狠地瞪着他，他还敢瞪回去。回到了自己门口，发现不是只有两个公差，而是四个公差在等着他。而且都是生面孔。昨天盯他那两位已经因为玩忽职守被拉出去砍掉了。以后他再逃掉一次，背后盯梢的公差就要多一倍，根据这个道理，只要他逃掉十六次，身后就会有六万名以上的公差，像一支浩浩荡荡的大军，无比壮观。这是这件事光明的一面。不光明的一面是他将会连累死掉几乎是同样数量的公差，砍下的脑袋十辆卡车也拉不完。不幸的是李卫公只看到了事情的光明的一面，看不到事情不光明的那面。 李卫公年轻时在洛阳城里酗酒闹事，连累了半城的人，我却归咎于他心情不好，是头头们的问题。这种思想方法连我自己都觉得古怪，但我并不觉得它有什么不对。这是因为我和他一样是个中国的数学家。我现在证不出费尔马定理，也归因于头头们对我照顾得不够——工资不高，没有个漂亮的老婆，没有像样的住房，影响了我的情绪。你想想罢，李卫公证出了毕达哥拉斯定理，马上就往哪里寄？官府里。假如不是挨了一顿板子，证出了费尔马定理也会往官府里寄。我现在要是证出了这个定理，除了向学报投寄，恐怕也要复印几份，寄到上级机关。这件事好有一比：我们俩就像是浮士德，把灵魂卖给了魔鬼。做出了好东西给你，活得不顺心也怪你。当然，我也是有一点自知之明的，知道自己和卫公有一定差距。故此我可以想像那个魔鬼就坐在我的对面，狞笑着对我说：你连个费尔马定理都证不出，谁要你那糟兮兮中的灵魂！你给我拿回去！（但是我不知道魔鬼为什么也爱好数学，这对我是个不解之谜）。这就是我不敢酗酒闹事的原因。我和我的同事都是这样的，工资很低，没有住房，但也只敢腹诽，不敢闹事，因为我们毕竟没有证出什么东西。但是卫公就不一样了，酗酒、闹事都是他有理。 Nine 我觉得我在很多方面可以理解李卫公。比方说，有一天，忽然所有的人都不和我讲话了，这是一个坏现象；每个月我可以收到相当多的汇款，这又是个好现象；还有好多警察跟在我屁股后面，这个现象的好坏难以判断。要从这些现象中推出我已经害死了半城的人，我就做不到。但是每次我摆脱了盯梢，背后盯梢的人就要加一倍，而且以前的熟面孔都不见了。在这种情况下，我还是想逃跑，因为酒坊街有我的老相好，漂亮的李二娘，我要跑去会她。但是这些新来的公差气色越来越不好，甚至显出了忍不住要打我的样子（实际上不止是要打，简直是恨不得吃我的肉，寝我的皮，但我还看不大出），