Chapter 4 Red Buddha Running at Night---About Interesting 【Chapter 1】

Chapter One The title "Bosses" is mentioned repeatedly throughout this chapter.It is somewhat strange that such a title appears in a historical novel.The author's intention is to explain that the status of "head" is ancient. one Li Jing, Hong Fu, and Qiu Ran are known as the Three Heroes of the Wind and Dust in the world. At the end of the Sui Dynasty, all three of them lived in Luoyang City.People in the Sui Dynasty said that Luoyang City was the greatest city in the past and present; but people in the Tang Dynasty said that Chang'an was the greatest city in the past and present; people in the Song Dynasty said that Bianliang was the greatest city in the past and present; Qing where is the greatest city of all time.Luoyang City is a fortification made of mud.The soil is the purest loess transported from far away. After it is steamed in a cage, it is mixed with the feces of children (these children don’t eat anything except bean noodles, and they don’t do anything except feces, so they can eat out of the purest shit), put it in a template and build a city wall.After a hundred years, the city will turn a pea-green color, and it can last for a thousand years without falling down.After a thousand years, the city wall will be bronze-colored, and it can last thousands of years without falling down.After 10,000 years, the city will turn black and never fall down.This is all the effect of old shit.When Li Jing, Hong Fu, and Qiuran Gong lived in the city, the city walls were still pea green.This shows that the city is still young.It's a pity that before the city wall turned bronze, it fell down, and the people in the city disappeared.So it's hard to know if the wall will turn black, or if it will never fall.

After the Luoyang City Wall was built, ivy gradually grew over it.Some good fellow sent someone to tear the vines off the wall, and there were only tiny vines left on the wall, like the severed tail of a four-legged snake.Meanwhile, the ivy that had been torn off the wall continued to grow on the ground, only in clumps.Some leaves wither and fall, while others flourish.These vines are underground, like piles of garbage.But the standing city wall was stained with patterns by broken vines, like a piece of batik cloth hanging in the air.Then some people felt that the patterned city walls were unattractive, so they sent some people out to scrape off all the patterns with bamboo poles tied with blades.Over time, many white spots were scratched on the city wall, as if moss had grown on the face.I don't understand that since a wall has been built, why can't it just stay there--why let the wall suffer when people live and suffer.

When Li Jing and the others lived in Luoyang City, there was mud and water everywhere.People brought loess from outside the city, mixed it with flax, put it in the formwork, and built a house.When the houses were not enough to live in, buildings were built and the alleys were cast into deep shadows.The streets of Luoyang are full of muddy rivers.At that time, there was a lot of rain, and the iron-clad wooden wheels rolled the ground hard, so the streets were never dry.The mud had been rolled up and down the street in little ridges, the tops dry and cracked in the sun, and the bottom still a heap of mud deep enough to sink your knees.The mud is thus displayed on the street, like the backbone of a crocodile.People at that time had to use a kind of crutches to cross the street.It was a pair of tree sticks with crooked branches. They were carried on their shoulders when they went out. When they walked to the street, they stood on the branches and stepped on stilts.The common people at that time had this skill, just like the common people now know how to ride bicycles.No one knows what skills the common people will develop in the future—if necessary, they may grow six legs like insects.Of course, everyone's Taoism has depth and shallowness.Some people staggered on the three-foot crutches, while others walked on the eight-foot crutches.On the narrower streets, some people jumped over with the help of poles.In the middle of the muddy water, there were countless piggies wandering around.In this way, the common people and pigs form a three-dimensional picture on the street.In addition, there is an ox cart for the old, the weak, the sick and the disabled. It has two solid wooden wheels and is pulled by an old buffalo.It takes half a day to go from the east of the city to the west of the city.If it falls apart in the middle of the road, all the passengers will be turned into mud pigs and mangy dogs.When people who are not ordinary people roar past in eight-horse cars, muddy water can splash into the shops on the side of the road.Just like some limousines today honking after your bicycle because you can't go deaf fast enough.Common people always hate non-common people, this is one of the reasons.

Those horse-drawn carriages running rampant on Luoyang Avenue are like torpedo boats. This kind of high-speed boat should be driven in open spaces and should not be driven on the streets.But no one commented on the carriage, because no one dared.When people go to the street, besides their crutches, they also bring an oil-paper umbrella. When they see a carriage coming, they shrink to the side of the road and open their umbrellas to catch the mud.Still others wore oilskin rain capes instead of umbrellas.No matter how careful you are, there will always be times when you will get muddy all over your head and face.So take another waterproof tarpaulin bag with a change of clothes in it.But to wash your hands and face, always use water.Wells are easy to find. There is a small white house at every street corner in Luoyang, and there is a well inside.But someone in the house is watching and asking for money for water.Therefore, people who want to save money tie two cow urine sticks around their necks and put water in them.But although you have to change and wash clothes, there must be a place to change them. You can’t be naked in the street, and you need to pay for a changing place (called a paid toilet in modern language); therefore, people who want to save money don’t bring one umbrella, but two umbrella.When changing clothes, open the front and back of the two umbrellas and cover them.When such a person who wants to save money goes out, he steps on a pair of crutches, hangs two bags of water around his neck, puts two umbrellas in his back, and has bulging pockets in his waist, which is really cumbersome.In fact, you only need to spend a little money, and you can go anywhere in a refreshing way. The method is the same as now: take a taxi.So those people voluntarily live so heavily because they want to save money.The reason they want to save money is that they don't have money.

The taxis in the Sui Dynasty had no wheels. They were some black people with braids on the back of their heads, naked, wearing only a loincloth, and holding a large canvas bag in their hands.After asking where to go, he opened his pocket and put you in it.A big money for one kilometer, he can take you anywhere without getting a little mud on your body.But before taking a taxi, you must touch his face to see if it is really black or stained with shoe polish.Some hooligans pretend to be taxis, carry people to the stinky puddles, and fall down with their heads upside down.These rascals think that they have a sense of humor in doing this, but in fact it is not humorous at all, because this kind of thing often breaks other people's cervical vertebrae.When someone else's cervical spine was broken, they took the money bag away.This is also like when you take a taxi today, you must also study the driver and the car. If you take the wrong car, you will be beaten in the face.As we all know, taxi is only safe for foreigners and wealthy people.It is too expensive to go out by taxi, and there is a risk of breaking the neck bone, so in Luoyang City, most people usually go out with full armor, which is very cumbersome.Only those prostitutes who walk the streets are the most chic.That kind of person wears leather jackets and miniskirts, and after splashing mud, it dries and scrapes off, leaving at most a little white trace.When crossing the street, as long as she waved, Lao Hei would come and carry her over without asking for money.Of course, when walking on the road, the hands of the taxi are dishonest, and you have to take advantage of it.They don't bring anything, because they don't need anything, they only carry a small handbag with mud-scraping bamboo chips, toilet paper, small mirrors, etc., but they don't have a lot of money.But you can't have no money at all.

Those hooligans wore black silk robes, their hair was combed with elm water, and they chewed old cowhide soaked in honey (there was already gum arabic gum at that time, but it was too expensive for most people to afford).If the whore has no money in her bag, the gangster will do anything when he gets angry.Many years ago, Luoyang City was like this.Many years ago, Li Jing was such a hooligan. two When I was talking about Li Jing, he was walking like a clock.But the clock doesn't always run as fast.The same is true when it comes to other people.For example, now is the beginning of the story, and the clock is quite slow.I don't know when it will suddenly speed up, then suddenly slow down, and finally stop going at all.This is completely out of my control.Because not only Li Jing, but also myself is a clock, and I can't tell when it is fast and when it is slow.

When will it stop.We now know that Li Weigong is a great scientist and military strategist; in fact, he is also a great poet and philosopher.Because he has so many abilities, he couldn’t find a job when he was young, so he lived in his ancestral house in Luoyang (that ancestral house was a house with earthen walls and thatched roof, and the thatched roof was exposed to the sky, it was time to change the grass), Sometimes he went to the street to make a living as a hooligan.At such times he had to try his best to pretend to be smooth, but in fact he was very self-motivated.When Li Jing was young, he lived in a stone-paved alley in Luoyang. Sometimes he ate only one meal a day and stayed up late at night with castor oil lamps.That kind of oil is a laxative, and if you smell too much oily smoke, you will feel sick to your stomach.At that time, he didn't have the ambition to be the Duke Wei of the Tang Dynasty. He just wanted to get a doctorate degree in mathematics and just mess around in the Ministry of Industry.But he found nothing of the sort.

I know that Li Weigong is proficient in Persian and has translated "Elements of Geometry" from Persian. I have a copy on my desk now, but I can't understand it. The translated book is like this.For example, in Li Weigong's translation, "Ou Zi said: The straight is the nearest." You have to think hard to figure out that this is Euclid's famous fifth postulate: the distance between two points is the closest.Because the manuscript fee is calculated according to the number of words, he added some of his own words in it, such as what is not straight or close, what is not close is far, what is far is not straight, etc. It is simply incomprehensible.In addition, there are passages in the style of Victorian underground novels, and some erotic illustrations.This is all added by the publisher.The publisher said he would lose money if he didn't.The publisher also said that if you read such unpopular books, you will never make a fortune in your life.So Li Jing had no choice but to combine geometry and sex.This is because the publisher is a friend, and he has an obligation to keep his friend from ruining his fortune.Every time he did this, he would get upset and make a strange noise or two.But he is open-minded in nature, just call it.

Li Weigong is versatile, not only can read Persian, but also can write obscene novels and paint.All the illustrations in his books are drawn by himself.Sometimes he also used a red-hot iron pen to draw his own business card on the wooden board, and wrote "Commoner Li Jing" in big seal characters. After finishing the writing, he felt unsatisfactory, so he added a line of small characters in official characters without authorization: "Lao Tzu No. 16 Grandchildren".This writing is not purely to bluff people, because anyone surnamed Li may be a descendant of Lao Tzu, but the 16th generation has no basis at all.He bathes in cold water every morning, regardless of season; when he goes to the street, he leans on a two-foot-long crutch, which is made of white wax and is quite elastic, so he can walk faster than a carriage.Now some young people ride ten-speed racing cars, and they can walk faster than cars.

When Li Jing met Hong Fu, he was very young. People in later generations said that Li Weigong's coincidence was unparalleled in the world, which of course meant something.From a young age, he invented various utensils.For example, he invented the square root machine, which is a wooden box with several rows of wooden poles erected on it, densely packed, which is like a kebab machine.There is also a wooden crank on one side, which is like an old-fashioned gramophone again.If you press down the second wooden pole from the right, it means that you want to open the square of 2.Turn the handle and raise a wooden pole, indicating that the square root of 2 is 1.Shake it twice and set up four wooden poles, indicating that the square root of 2 is 1.4.Shake it again, and another wooden pole is erected, indicating that the square root of 2 is 1.41.Don't shake it a fourth time, or the machine will crash into pieces.This is because the machine is made of rotten wood chips, and if it is hardwood, it will not break until at least six significant figures are found.He used to run around with this machine, seeking funding, but rich people said, what do I want to know about the square root?Some carpenters and plasterers are interested, because they don't know that square root will have difficulties in building a house, but they have no money.It was not until he was old that Duke Wei had the opportunity to complete this invention. He replaced the wooden pole with an iron flail, made the handle a foot long, and was shaken by five or six big men, and made the machine the size of a small house. Big, no matter how much you shake it this time, it will not collapse, because it is extremely strong.After this invention was made, it was bought by Emperor Taizong immediately.This is because the iron flail was swung so powerfully during the process of rooting the square that it was not only more than enough to threat wheat, but also unbearable for a person to be hit all at once.What's more, all the shakes are irrational numbers, and no one knows how to hide them.Emperor Taizong called this machine the Weigongshen locomotive, equipped troops, and killed many people, some died under the square root two, and some died under the square root three.No matter how many square roots you beat to death, your brains will burst.Wei Gong also invented a pump for firefighting and planned to sell it to the fire brigade.But the fire chief said that even in the Year of the Monkey, there will be no fires, and buckets can also be used to deal with them.This invention was not sold until more than 20 years later, it was sold to the Emperor Datang.Of course, the pumps sold are milled and cast, and instead of spraying water, they spray hot dung.This thing can neither put out fires nor water flowers, it can only water people.Even if you are lucky enough not to die after pouring it on, it will still stink for the rest of your life.The emperor put it into mass production and named it Weigongshen barrel.If the common people take to the streets to make trouble, pour shit on them.Duke Wei had countless inventions, but none of them could be sold for a lifetime, and they were finally sold to Emperor Taizong.Taizong put them into production and named them "Shenji".Now when we hear the word "magic machine", we equate it with sadism, and never think of firefighting and square root.When Duke Wei was young, he dreamed of selling inventions to save the poor, but he couldn't sell any of them.When he was old, all these inventions sold for a lot of money, but now he is not short of money.

As far as I know, Li Weigong only sold one invention when he was young, and that was a hand blower. He sold it to a neighbor's restaurant for twenty yuan.After making this deal, he was so happy that he thought that he would have a legitimate livelihood and no longer need to be a hooligan. ——Before this, people were used to blow fire in restaurants.Five people are hired for each stove, and they take turns to come forward with a blower.Some people work their whole life and never use a torch again.Their lips protrude like ducks, and with a little effort they form fleshy tubes.Unexpectedly, less than three days later, the family sent back the burnt blower, not only asking him to return the money, but also asking him to pay for the damage that almost caused the fire.In fact, the blower made by Weigong is the best, but it cannot be turned upside down.If it is turned upside down, not only will it not be able to blow air, but the fire in the stove will be pumped into the blower to burn the wooden impeller.What this example tells us is that no matter how good an invention is in the hands of a fool, it will not work.It's a pity that there are always so many idiots in the world.But one cannot argue with a fool.When people asked him to refund the money, he said honestly: I can't get it back after I've spent it, and then I stretched out my forehead and said: Give it a few hits.He always pays the bill with his forehead, so there are always more than three purple marks on it.People who don't know him always think that he likes to shave his forehead purple, like some old women, and think that after doing so, he will be free from all diseases, but he is not. Regarding this matter, we can add that this blower was also sold later, and it was still sold to the Emperor Datang.But the Tang emperor still used it to fight - when the wind direction was favorable, he used it to blow lime powder and ground rice chaff, which could confuse the enemy's eyes.But the emperor's imperial kitchen still uses people to blow the fire, and the lips of those who blow the fire seem to melt the maltose hanging in the air. We can also talk about how people in ancient times took the square root—craftsmen need to know the square root, no matter where they are——the first thing they need to do is a small stick.In ancient times, the counting method was used, and no one except professional mathematicians carried counting chips with them, lest others suspect that you are a chopsticks seller.So when you are walking on the streets of the Sui Dynasty, eating kebabs, don’t be surprised to find someone sneaking after you.Those are some young apprentices of carpenters, looking for tricks for the master, and the picture is the bamboo stick in your hand.Some people tattoo the square root meter on their bodies for simplicity, but Chinese characters take up space, and the number meter is long, and the skin on the face and hands is far from enough.So the thorns were all over the body, and when I was doing work, I would suddenly strip my buttocks.For this reason, the laws of the Sui Dynasty stipulated that plasterers must wear bamboo hats when working on the street.This thing is not only for shelter from wind and rain, but also to cover the front when checking the square root. Li Weigong was a famous minister of the Tang Dynasty when he was old, so I don't know if he can still remember the thing that he drove two feet high with two crutches and walked on the streets of Luoyang when he was young.Everyone who walked under him hated him to death.This was because he was always stepping over people's heads, causing them to be humiliated in the crotch, and because he wore nothing under the black silk robe.This is not a problem on flat ground, but it is very annoying when hanging in mid-air.At that time, when the women in Luoyang saw a pair of long white wax poles passing by at the alley, and felt a shadow falling from the zenith, covering the sun, most of them immediately screamed, closed their eyes and squatted on the ground, expressing that they Don't want to see anything.There were also some savage women who roared angrily when they saw this scene, took out the door handle from their homes, waded through the mud and rushed over, chasing and hitting the pair of white wax poles, trying to knock Li Jing out of the sky.This is also very difficult to succeed, because Li Jing's speed is so fast.He ran away quickly, leaving behind a string of sinister smiles on the street.Only the prostitutes wandering around the street soliciting customers would chew the old cowhide in their mouths and raise their faces to look at Li Jing in mid-air—the two hairy legs and other things exposed under the skirt of his robe.But they have long been used to these things.In order to attract their attention, Li Jing tattooed appalling patterns on his legs and other places.This thing is just so weird: When Li Jing was on the ground, they obeyed him and tried their best to please him; but when he was in the sky, things were reversed.If a hooligan walks on the street without the applause of prostitutes, it will be difficult for him to get along in Luoyang City.So the hooligans have to perform various tricks in the sky, just like actors performing on stage.When Li Jing walked in the sky, he was like a big bird.This is because he pouted his buttocks and bent his upper body forward while standing on the crutch.This crutch posture received the highest evaluation in Luoyang City—it was considered the most handsome, but now it looked like a naughty girl trying to urinate standing up, which was not very attractive.When he walks on the street, his legs are spread wide apart, one leg is on the left side of the street, the other is on the right side of the street, so that the center of gravity is stable and it is not easy to fall; Would rush between his legs without touching him.When Li Jing walked around Luoyang City, he was like a heron foraging in a small river ditch, with a dirty waterway under his feet.When walking in this posture, his penis stretched forward and his scrotum was contracted, making him look like a bird in the sky from below.If you look carefully, you can still see a flying swallow tattooed on his glans, which was fashionable at that time.In fact, this way of walking is not good at all. If you lose your balance, you will fall from the sky, and you don’t know where you will fall—it’s like losing control of an airplane. into the cesspit.In addition, he could feel a foul vapor rising from between his legs.On either side of him were dark brown roofs, some with mossy tiles and others with bark—on which a fungus called dog pee moss grew.The bustling sounds of a city sounded in his ears, and his nose was filled with the stench of the city.At times like this he is always running for his livelihood.He wasn't running until he climbed down from the two long poles.But at those times, he was always begging for help for his livelihood, or brazenly blackmailing others. This was the life of Duke Wei when he was young.Later he became Duke Wei of the Tang Dynasty; that is to say, people of later generations are no longer ashamed or dare to mention that when he was walking on Luoyang Street, because he did not wear underwear and was fumigated by dirty water vapor, he often Got scrotal scrape, that thing was swollen like a turkey's face; this was seen by the whore beneath him.He would be ridiculed; so he had to use ginger juice to dye the affected area yellow again; in this way, he would not only suffer from itching, but also endure the stimulation of ginger, which felt really bad. Li Jing was a hooligan in Luoyang City, but he was the worst kind of hooligan.That is to say, he wanted to ask for protection money from the hawkers in the market, but he was too embarrassed to ask or extend his hand, which made the problem more complicated.Suppose you are a peddler in the Luoyang market, and you see a guy in black and with oily hair coming from your stall, greeting you with a big smile on his face, you would never have guessed that he is trying to blackmail you.However, if he came more often, some terrible things would happen on the stall: either the snow-white cloth surface was hit with a fork with dog feces, or the soup pot was boiled with dead snakes.If you can still turn a blind eye to these things, there will be a big living scorpion jumping on your stall.The above process has to be repeated until you put a stack of copper coins on the booth, and the stack of copper coins slips silently into his cuff.Anyway, they are all asking for money, and it is even more annoying if they don't say it clearly.When he asked a prostitute for money, he couldn't keep a straight face. He just stepped forward with a playful smile and pestered them, discussing music and geometry with them, until the other party had a headache and took out the money.Therefore, no matter the peddler or the prostitute, they all hated him and hoped that he would die of the plague early.This kind of hostility is manifested in the fact that people don't smile at all when they see him, and no one pays attention to him.His smiling face was like soap bubbles that fell into the water and disappeared.The reason he did this was because he thought he was an intellectual, wanted to save face, and could not speak ill of others.After returning home in the evening, he took off his black silk robe and put on a white linen jacket, washed his hair with ashes from the stove and let it fluff up on his shoulders, and went to a tavern or a Turkish bath, Discuss astrology, alchemy, etc. with Persians, Turks, and other dubious characters, and sometimes smoke a joint.There are people who think they are intellectuals, and every one of them thinks they are the last intellectuals in the world.Those guys smoke weed, talk in Greek, get gay; otherwise, everyone is as hated as Li Jing.They are like me, they are always embarrassed by some things in life, and the result is that others feel embarrassed when they look at us. As far as I know, intellectuals have been looked down upon since the dawn of time.That didn't change until they built the atomic bomb and put the whole world in a state of panic.When Li Weigong was young, he was said to be a big smoker, a fart, and a fake foreign devil, and he was not despicable enough to want to build an atomic bomb to threaten mankind.He smoked a joint in the hammam.Stupidly figured out the proof of Pythagoras' theorem, just like Archimedes, shouted "Olica"!He ran out of the bathhouse with bare buttocks and ran home, wrote the theorem overnight, sawed the door panel and engraved it, printed a thousand copies, and distributed it widely, and posted it to six government offices.As a result, he was taken in by the yamen and beaten up. The charge was to deceive the public with rumors. In addition, he ran naked that night, which was indecent.In fact, he just wanted the officials to pay attention to his mathematical ability and promoted him as a doctor of mathematics.When he was on the board, he proved Fermat's theorem again, but this time he learned his lesson and didn't say a word. Li Weigong lived in Luoyang City when he was young.I always want to get a doctorate in mathematics, and then I can receive an official salary without having to be a hooligan on the street.This is the proper way out for intellectuals.But he always failed the exam.This is not because he is not proficient in mathematics, but because the doctoral examination is not only mathematics, but also "Book of Changes". This knowledge is too profound, and it does not belong to the category of mathematics (I think it belongs to the category of witchcraft). , so no matter whether he has a cantilever or smokes marijuana, he always doesn't understand.So every time he took the exam, he could only write "Long live the Great Sui Emperor, long live, long live" on the "Book of Changes" exam paper, and then sign his name and hand it in.No one dared to give him a zero mark for such a paper—in fact, he got a full mark—but the examiner felt that he was playing tricks, so he gave him a zero mark for mathematics.This kind of result completely confused Li Jing. He couldn't believe that he had miscalculated all the four arithmetic problems in elementary school, and he was so painful that he wanted to commit suicide.If he knows the inside story, he should also write Long Live the Emperor on the math answer sheet, so that he can pass the exam.But these things don't mean that Li Jing is stupid.In fact he is very smart.When he was arrested for posting the Pythagoras theorem and beat the board, he cleverly put an iron board under his clothes, and it made a loud noise, so that the old official who sat in the court asked, "Who is outside?" Hit the gong".But a little cleverness like this can only save him some physical pain, but it can't be eaten.Of course, his intelligence is more than that.After finishing the board, he will be dragged into the signing room to smear soju on his buttocks-on the surface, this is to prevent the wound from festering, and to show the leaders' concern for the accused; in fact, it is to see Is it hit hard enough, and is it necessary to hit it a few more times?At this time, Li Jing hid the iron plate, and his buttocks had already been covered with soot, which looked black and blue.When the wine was applied, Tolerance's hands also turned black and blue, as if he had also been beaten, so everyone said that the beating was severe enough.After this reprimand, Li Jing felt remorseful, and decided not to play tricks, but to be a good hooligan.When he came out of the yamen and saw the first prostitute, he stared at the first prostitute as big as a copper bell, walked up to her, and asked for money without talking about geometry or music.The woman widened her eyes and said, "Money?what money?This woman is Hong Fu.When Li Jing spoke like this, he no longer looked like an intellectual.Intellectuals never say something clearly, thinking that this is not euphemistic enough. three In this section, the author uses the word "fantasy" for the first time.This cannot be understood literally.The author refers to an innate human nature.The meaning is not too different from Freud's "sexual desire".When Li Jing walked in the sky, he could not only see the dirty streets under his feet, but also the scenery in the distance, all the way to the horizon.There was a gray mist on the horizon, and beneath it the canopies of willows hid the walls.Inside the canopy are the high and low roofs, as well as the high stone walls in Luoyang City.The wall was more than two feet high, blocking all sight from the outside.People living outside the walls only know that there are some respectable people living inside, but they don't know who they are and how they live.Li Jing thought that if he brought pure loess from outside the city, mixed it with children's excrement, and added some paper tendons, he would be able to build a five-foot-high earthen building—you can't build an earthen building to the top. No matter how high it is, it will fall down—and then build another five-foot-high wooden building on top of the earth building (the top of a wooden building can only be built to a height of five feet, and it will collapse if it is taller), and then build on the top of the wooden building. On the ground, a bamboo building is built with moso bamboo and mats, so that the three buildings together are more than ten feet high.In fact, no one is willing to build a bamboo building at such a high place, because a strong wind will blow the bamboo building away, and you can’t even pick up the moso bamboo and the mat, and these two things are still worth a little money. I will not return it.But it doesn't matter to Li Jing.He just wanted to climb up to the bamboo building before it was blown away by the wind, and see what was inside. Since there are cities, all cities have been divided into two parts, an Uptown and a Downtown.Li Weigong lives in Downtown and wants to visit Uptown, which is also called dreaming.When I have free time now, I always have to go around the professor's area of ​​the school a few times to get through my addiction.It was a small two-story building with large aluminum doors and windows, but it was a pity that all the old people lived in it, and the balconies were full of cardboard boxes.I like to look in from the window, but I don't have voyeurism, only house voyeurism.When Li Jing was walking in the sky, he also saw Hong Fu walking on the wooden sidewalk on the side of the street below, wearing a prostitute's attire.So he stuck his crutches in the mud on the side of the road, descended from the air, and blocked her way.When Li Weigong slid down from the turning top, his posture was chic, like a big bird falling from the sky, with its wings folded, and its feet aiming for the ground.Several passers-by were ready to applaud him, but it was a pity that he was in a hurry and accidentally dropped the things in his arms, including a dead snake and several live scorpions—these were all prepared for the vendors— —so those people took back the applause and gave him a roar of laughter.This kind of thing of showing off in front of prostitutes is unbearable. If it is encountered by other hooligans, they will definitely kill Hongfu to hide their shame.But Li Jing just blushed, stretched out a finger to touch his nose, and never thought of killing anyone.This shows that although Li Jing is determined to be a good hooligan, he still can't be.He was ruthless and determined to ask her to double the protection fee, but she didn't pay any.Then he became ruthless again and confiscated the braggart who was eating.That thing is a condom made of sheep urine foam.Without this thing, you will lose money in business—the money you earn is just enough to pay for the abortion, and you may not be able to get the money if you ask for it.I thought a medal should be given to the man who invented the condom for preventing the birth of an illegitimate child and turning a fatal event into a game.But medals are generally only given out to people who make the game a hell of a lot.If Li Jing had understood this earlier, he would not have been so poor when he was young. From Li Jing's point of view, Hong Fu is a very strange prostitute. She is too slender and too tall. From a distance, she looks a bit top-heavy, because she wears a huge bun, which is almost as big as a large iron pot. Big.Her skin was too fair, and after a little exposure to the sun, it turned red.She just stood on the side of the street looking around like this.Li Jing walked over, reached out and snatched her purse, turned it over and over again, she just stared at him, as if she couldn't help but say something, but finally she didn't.In the end Li Jing returned the bag to her, and roared, "Where did you hide the money?"Hong Fu said: I have no money.Li Jing said again, where did you hide that thing?Hong Fu asked: What is it?Li Jing said: "It's unreasonable."Wow!Hong Fu stretched out his arms and smelled his armpits.After smelling both sides, I said: I take a bath every day, how can it be rotten.Li Jing stared for a while, then smiled and waved her away.Li Jing later said that he found a lot of imported goods in Hongfu's pocket, such as small mirrors from the Western Regions, incense powder from Nanyang, and so on.The leather clothes and skirts she wears are all made of real Moroccan leather, which are light and soft; unlike other prostitutes, who wear dirty fake Moroccan leather, which not only rattles, but also smells bad.She also exudes a seductive musky scent, which is never easy to catch.It's unbelievable that a whore like this has no money.If a real hooligan encountered such a situation of asking for money, he would definitely make a scene in the street, push her down in the muddy water, and throw her bag on the roof.But he didn't do such a thing, he just stayed for a while in the fragrance left after she walked by, then climbed up to the top of the turning, swayed here and there to find his balance for a while, and then walked forward.This incident shows that Li Weigong's repentance is over this time, and soon he began to fantasize: imagine where this woman came from, where she is going, and start a love affair with her.Needless to say, a man like him is useless. If Hongfu is really regarded as a prostitute, there will be a lot of trouble.Fortunately, her attire was specious. Not only did the customers dare not go whoring after seeing her, even the daring hooligans did not dare to rush to collect protection money.Only Li Jing, a stunned head, would snatch her bag when he came up.After he walked away, Hongfu heard someone say: Well, the two plainclothes bumped into each other.This is not true.Even female plainclothes cannot afford to wear Moroccan leather.But some of the hooligans on the streets of Luoyang recognize Moroccan leather, let alone know its value.Only people like Li Weigong who are well versed in the past and the present will know.And Li Weigong was thinking about geometry problems all day long, so he found out that it was Moroccan skin, and he didn't think it was strange at the time, until he got on the turn and walked to the street, he yelled "Damn it, it's not right!"At that time, he wanted to turn back to look at Hongfu again, but a donkey cart driver who was following him said: I fuck you!Is this walking, or grinding?He didn't go back. He just went to Dongcheng to meet the friend who published the book and told him that he ran into a prostitute wearing Moroccan skin today.The friend said, it's so hanging, it must be plainclothes.她要是告你非礼，够你蹲半年大狱了。李靖说：别逗了，摩洛哥皮每平方寸卖二十块。那朋友说：高级便衣。李靖就说：算了，不管她什么便衣。告诉你，我证出了费尔马大定理。这个定理费尔马自吹证出来过，但是又不把证明写出来，证了和没证一样，而且也不知他真的证出来没有。李靖想让朋友给他出一本书，发表他这项了不起的发现。那位朋友却说：得了罢你，板子还没挨够哇。他让李靖给他画春宫，每幅给十块钱。因为刚刚挨了一阵板子，李靖就答应了。这是因为画了小人书就可以拿到钱，毕竟是看得见摸得着，比之虚无缥渺的数学定理好得多。但是过了一会，就想到画一幅画只值半平方寸摩洛哥皮，这样的生活有什么意思。最后他终于把费尔马定理写到春宫小人书的文字里了，这说明他还是贼心不死，继续想入非非。像这样的事并不少见，比方说吧，中国古书里有这样两句顺口溜： 三人同行古来稀，老树开花廿一支。 这竟是一种不定方程的解法，叫做韩信暗点兵——我不知道韩信和老树有什么关系。但是我知道这说明古时候有不少人像李靖一样淘气。如果我们仔细的研究唐诗宋词，就会发现里面有全部已知和未知的现代数学和物理学定理。现在我确知李卫公所写的春宫解说词里包含了费尔马定理的证明，但我没法把它读出来——这是因为费尔马定理的证明应该是怎样的，现在没有人知道，或者说，现在还没有人能够证出费尔马定理。它就如隋时发明的避孕套，到唐代就失传了，因此给了洋鬼子机会，让他们可以再发明一次。因为它已经失传，所以我也不知该怎样解释这些说明词。最简单的解释是：那是一些性交的诀窍。但是不应该是这样子的。不应该的原因是有我们存在。我们的任务就是把性交的诀窍解释成数学定理，在宋词里找出相对论，在唐诗里找出牛顿力学。做这种工作的报酬是每月二百块钱工资。所以我也常像李卫公那样想：这样的生活有啥意思。我和卫公的心灵在一部分可以完全相通，另一部分则完全不通，其它部分则是半通不通。相通的部分就是我们都在鬼鬼祟祟地编造各种术语，滥用语言，这些念头和那些半夜三更溜进女宿舍偷人家晾着的乳罩裤衩的变态分子的心境一样的叵测。不通的部分是我证不出费尔马定理，李卫公是天才，而我不是。半通不通的就是他不够天才或者我不够鲁钝的地方。但是这些区别只有我才能够体会，在外人看起来我们俩都是一样的神秘兮兮。我能够想像李卫公晚上在家里画春宫的样子：他手里拿了一根竹签子做的笔，用唾液润湿墨锭，弄得满嘴漆黑，两眼发直地看着冒黑烟的油灯，与此同时，煞费苦心地把费尔马定理的证明编成隐语，写进春宫的解说词。他就这样给人世留下了一份费猜的东西。我有一个朋友在翻译书，煞费苦心地把total itarianism（极权）译成全体主义。我还有一个女朋友搞妇女研究，也是煞费苦心地造出一个字——“女性主义”（女权）。 现在这个“权”字简直就不能用，而自己造些怪词，本身就是一种暗示。我现在写着这个古代大科学家李靖的故事，也在煞费苦心的把各种隐喻、暗示、影射加进去。现在的人或者能够读懂，后世的人也会觉得我留下了一些费猜的东西。鬼才知道他们能不能读懂，但是不给后世留下一份费解的东西，简直就是白活了。 人们说知识分子有两重性，我同意。在我看来这种性质是这样的：一方面我们能证明费尔马定理，这就是说，我们毕竟有些本领；另一方面，谁也看不透我们有无本领。在卫公身上，前一个方面是主要的，在我身上后一个方面是主要的。好在这种差异外人看不大出来。在他们看来，我们都是一样的古怪。 根据史籍记载，李卫公身材高大，约有一米九十五到两米的样子，长了一个鹰勾鼻子，眼睛有点黄；身上毛发很重，有一点体臭。这说明他不是纯粹的东亚黄种。经过了五胡乱华，这原是常有的事。当时洛阳城里也有各方的人物。有大鼻子小眼睛的犹太人，兜售劣质的绿玻璃珠子，却一口咬定是绿玉做的；有戴斗笠穿肥腿裤子的高丽人，在路边生起冒黄烟的炉子烤咸鱼干卖，发出又甜又腥的味道；还有面色黝黑的印度人，按照相似疗法的原理出售各种药材：比方说，象牙是固齿的药材，斑马尾巴是通大便的药材，驴蹄子治脚垫等等，其实都是没影的事。最不该的是说犀牛角壮阳——连想一想都不应该，角对犀牛来说不是性器官，抵架也不是性交，这里有黑色幽默的成分，需要想一想才能知道。这些人和李靖一样住在downtown。这个地方李靖早已住腻了，他连做梦都想搬进石头墙里面去。但是等到他当了大唐卫公，尝到了这种滋味之后，却觉得它并不是太好。他真恨不得穿上黑绸子衣服再到市场上去。假如他这样做了，那他就是长安最老的流氓。 我对卫公的这一点倒是深有体会——他年轻时觉得眼前到处是机会，比方说，这世界上没有开平方的机器，鼓风机等等，这些机器都很有用，而且是别人发明不了的，而他不费吹灰之力就发明出来了。我相信爱迪生年轻时也是这么想的，但是爱迪生遇到的事可没落到卫公身上。假如他有爱迪生的机遇，中国就会有一个有千年历史的大国际公司：Weigong Lee，international。最起码要比什么贝尔实验室有名得多。满眼的机会抓不着，就有一种不得其门而入的感觉。 Four 在李靖看来，红拂是很古怪的娼妓，不是downtown里所有的。但是在红拂看来，李靖也是很古怪的流氓。其实她并不知道真流氓是什么样子的，只是觉得他和街头巷尾扎堆聊天的那些穿黑衣服的家伙有区别罢了。李卫公身材高大，长一把山羊胡子，眼珠子是黄的；而洛阳的流氓全是蒙古人的脸相，五短身材。李卫公说话抑扬顿挫的很好听；而洛阳的流氓说话含混不清，好像没鼻子一样。因为这些原因，那些人都说李靖是个“雷子”，换言之，说他是上面派来的便衣侦探，或者是领某种津贴的线人。当年洛阳城里这种人可多了，比前东德所有的雷子加起来还多。在饭馆里吃着饭，就会有个人站起来，从腰里拿出个牌牌来，往桌上一拍说：刚才你说什么来着？Say it again!听见这话的人就只恨自己为什么要长这根舌头。胡说乱道就像今天闯了红灯一样，要罚五块钱。洛阳街头也有红绿灯，那是两块牌子，上面写着“下拐”、“回避”，遇到有要人的马车通过时就亮出来。闯了那种红灯会被关起来，就像今天胡说乱道了一样。 人家说李靖是个雷子的事，红拂也不知道。她只知道当她站在大街上时，李靖没有像别的穿黑衣服的人那样，过一会就走过来，假装无意拍拍她的屁股，碰碰她的乳房。这是因为那些人怀疑她不是真正的娼妓，也是个雷子。假如是真的娼妓，在这种情况下就会叫出来：犯贱！court death!或者是：想干？掏钱！别占小便宜！这些话红拂都不会说，她只会瞪大了眼睛看着那些人。这是因为她也不是真正的娼妓。其实她是个歌妓。这一字之差，就有好多区别。所以别人碰了她以后，她还会追上去解释说：是真的——我没装假乳房。在洛阳大街上讲这些话，就像个疯子一样。 红拂后来一直记着她在洛阳大街上看到的景象——车轮下翻滚的泥巴，铅灰色的水洼子，还有匆匆来去的人群。这些景象和她所住的石头花园只是一墙之隔。假如你不走到墙外面来，就永远不会知道有这样一些景象。假如你不走出这道墙，就会以为整个世界是一个石头花园。而且一生都在石头花园里度过。当然，我也说不出这样有什么不妥。但是这样的一生对红拂很不适合。 红拂当年站在路边上看着泥水飞溅的大街时，她并不住在这里。泥水飞溅的洛阳城并不是全部的洛阳城，还有一个石头铺成的洛阳城。这两者的区别很大，泥水洛阳只有娼妓而没有歌妓，石头洛阳只有歌妓没有娼妓。当时红拂是到了她不该去的地方，看人家在大街上乘拐来去，觉得很新鲜。石头洛阳里没有泥，也就没有拐。李靖和她分了手，就上了他的拐，好像乘风驾雾，转眼就不见了。泥水里还有好多人来来去去，高高矮矮的好像参差不齐的小树林。除了人，泥水里还有各种各样的车。实心轮子的牛车走起来向两边移动；平板小驴车只能坐一个人，拉车的假如是叫驴，看见了草驴就会站下来叫唤。还有自行车，好像装了两个轮子的长条板凳。乘车的人把两腿翘在前面扶着把，手里拿了两条棍子撑地前进。除了人和车，泥水里还有死猫死狗。在这些东西中间、有数不尽的苍蝇。而在石头洛阳里，苍蝇很少，头头们就觉得苍蝇应该是可以灭绝的，发给每个歌妓，门客，厨子和奶妈各一个苍蝇拍，以为靠这些人就能把苍蝇打绝了。而在石头墙里，苍蝇是一种极可怕的动物，当你走在回廊上，苍蝇就“轰”地一声飞了出来，眼睛像两个车轮，嘴像一把剑，腿上还长着狰狞的毛，恶狠狠向你逼近，这一瞬间如果你不掩面痛哭，就不是一个淑女。但是在石头墙外就不是这样。这里有这么多的苍蝇。苍蝇一多，连个头都显得小了。我已经两次用到了这个字眼——“头头们”，但我还搞不清它是动词还是名词。它的意思就像俚语“爷们”，简单地说，是指一个或一些男人。复杂地说，它指按辈分排列。比方说，我要是论“爷们”，可能是某人的二大爷，也可能是某人的大侄子——这个大字还是给我脸上贴金。这只不过是讨论字义，实际情况和这不一样。头头们这个字眼能叫我想起一张准备打官腔的脸，这张脸又能让我想起一只水牛的臀部。这张脸到了会场上，呷上一口茶水，清清嗓子，我就看到那只水牛扬起了尾巴，露出了屁眼，马上就要屙出老大的一摊牛屎——这个比方里没什么坏意思，只是因为我听说美国人管废话叫作“牛屎”。坐在我身边上的人把手里的烟捻灭，在手指之间仔仔细细捻烟蒂，直到烟纸消失，烟丝成粉，再点上另一支烟。这就是头头们出现时的景象。一般情况下它不出现，但总在我们身边。 红拂到了四十多岁还是很漂亮。她的头发依旧像二十岁时一样，又黑又长。但是她说自己已经老了。这是因为她的发梢都分了岔，就像扫帚苗一样。因为这个缘故，静夜里可以听见她身上发出沙沙声，好像一盘小蚕在吃桑叶一样。这是因为她的头发梢正在爆裂。在夜里还能看见她头发上爆出细小的火花，好像水流里的金沙。她的头发好像是一团黑雾一样捉摸不定，这是因为头发的末梢像一团蒲公英。而年轻时不是这样的。红拂的皮肤依然白皙平滑，但是已经失去了光泽，这是因为她已经有了无数肉眼看不到的细小皱纹，一滴水落上去，就会被不留痕迹地吸收掉，洗过澡之后，身体就会重两斤。她的眼睛已经现出古象牙似的光泽，而年轻时红拂的眼睛却没有光泽，黑色而且透明。她的身体现在很柔软，而年轻时她的身体像新鲜的苹果一样有弹性。所以红拂说自己已经老了。老了和漂亮没有关系。 到了四十岁时，红拂是卫公夫人，是大唐的一品贵妇。但是年轻时她当过歌妓，这一点后来很为人所诟病。其实歌妓不是妓女，不过是对她美貌的一种肯定。但是这一点却很难向大唐朝其他贵妇们解释清楚。当时她是在大隋朝的太尉杨素家里当歌妓，因此人们就说，她和杨素有不正当的关系。其实她根本就没见过杨素。当时她的头发比现在长得多，足有三丈多长。洗头时把头发泡在大桶里面，好像一桶海带发起来的样子。那是因为在太尉府里闲着没事干，只好留头发。这也是头头们的安排，头头们说，既然你闲着没事干，那就养头发罢。别的歌妓也闲着没事干，有人也养头发，还有人养指甲，养到了一尺多长，两手合在一起像一只豪猪。还有一些人用些布条缠在身上，把腰缠细，把脚缠小等等。这和现在的人闲着没事干时养花是一样的；唯一不同的是养这些东西比养花付出代价要大。养指甲的人要给自己戴上手枷，好像犯人一样，否则指甲难保。缠细腰的人吃过饭后，等到食物消化了一些就要喝肥皂水来催吐，这是因为到下面的通道已经堵塞了，饮食和排泄只能用上面的通道。缠小脚的坏处我们都知道的。说起来留长发害处是最少的，但是洗起头来麻烦甚大，只要你涮过墩布就知道了。 当年红拂当歌妓时，只有十七岁。当时她就很漂亮，而且是处女。本来可以去当电影明星，或者当时装模特，但是当年没有这些行当，只好去当歌妓，住进了那座石头花园。这就是说，本来可以当展览品，但是只好当了收藏品。不管是哪一种品，反正是艺术品，观赏价值是主要的。比“实用价值是主要的那些女人”强。离开太尉府以后，红拂再也没有留过三丈长的头发。现在她的头发只有三尺多长，但是显得非常之多，满头都是，因为她的每一根头发刚长出来时是一根，到了末梢就起码是十四五根了。她就披着这些头发走来走去，告诉别人说，她的头发束不得。因为这些头发在自行膨胀，会把束发的缎带胀断。但是这一点没人相信。相反，人们却说，红拂每天晚上都用爆米花的机器来崩自己的头发，使它显得蓬松。她这样披头散发，显得很潇洒。有些小姐们看了很羡慕，也把自己的头发弄成这样。她们的母亲就说：你怎么不学好呢？专跟当歌妓的人学！ 我们知道，大唐朝的风气和大隋很不一样，官宦人家不但不养歌妓，而且伺候老爷太太的女佣人都是些年过五旬、丑陋如鬼的老婆子。这说明大唐的女权高涨，也说明了唐朝的老头子们为什么经常和儿媳妇扒灰。大唐朝的小姐们从来没见过歌妓，听到了这个词就心里痒痒。她们全都无限仰慕这位当过歌妓的红拂阿姨。而大唐的贵妇们也没有一个见过歌妓，这是因为从隋到唐经过了改朝换代，所以贵妇过去都是在泥水里打滚的人。这也说明了大唐的老头子们为什么专门和儿媳妇扒灰。大唐的老头子们过去都是穷光蛋，也没有见过歌妓，这说明了大家见了红拂为什么要发呆。但是在大隋，哪个官宦人家不养歌妓，就像今天的官儿没有汽车，不像个真正的官宦人家了。但是说歌妓就是汽车，也有点不对。她们不像汽车，倒像些名人字画。大隋朝的官儿张三到李四家里做客，李四说，张兄，看看兄弟养的歌妓；打个榧子，那些姑娘跑出来给张三看，就像后来的官儿请人看自己的郑板桥张大千；其中的区别就在于字画不会跑，歌妓不能挂到墙上。看完后打个榧子，那些姑娘又跑回去。红拂见到李靖时，在太尉家当歌妓。那里歌妓很多，分成了三班，轮流跑出去给人看。不当班时，红拂就跑出去玩。这件事假如有人打小报告就坏了。像这样的生活问题，就怕同宿舍的家伙和你不对付。当时和她同宿舍的是虬髯公，是个男的。——这种居住方式叫做合居。我现在也在和别人合居，但是合居的确是古而有之——一般来说，男人不打女人的小报告。我就没有打过。 Fives 红拂初见李靖时很年轻，但是很不快活。这是因为没事可干，也没有人可以聊天。唯一一个经常见面的人是虬髯公，而虬髯公一辈子都在打麻鞋。红拂觉得他很讨厌。我们知道，虬髯公是古往今来最伟大的剑客，他开始练剑的时候，以古树、巨石为靶。后来他对这些目标失去了兴趣，就开始刺击暗夜里的流萤、花间的蝴蝶、水面上的蜉蝣。再后来他对这些目标也失去了兴趣，就开始刺明月，劈清风。等到对一切目标都没了兴趣，他就跑到洛阳城里，坐下来打麻鞋。先打出像小孩子的摇篮一样的大的鞋胚子，然后放到嘴里嚼，麻绳做成的鞋子就逐渐变小了。刚开始嚼时，新麻苦得要命，绿色的口水从虬髯公嘴角流出来。使他看上去像一只吐绿水的槐蚕。硕大的鞋胚子把他的腮帮撑到透明，透过去可以看见鞋底，整个脸都变了形，好像一个吹胀了的牛尿泡。嚼到后来，鞋子渐渐小了，他的脸相也就不那么难看。但是当他把鞋从嘴里吐出来时，模样还是非常的恶心。虽然打麻鞋的模样难看，他打出的鞋子质量却是非常好的，拿到手里冷飕飕、沉甸甸的，一点也看不出是麻做的。他打的麻鞋永远也穿不坏，放到火里也烧不坏，还有好多其它好处。但是鞋子也把他的腮帮撑坏了。到老时，腮帮就像两个空袋子一样垂在他肩上，把胡子都压到下面，使他的脸像个海蛰的模样。 他一辈子打了二十来双麻鞋，其中一双就是给红拂打的。他们俩是老相识，在太尉府里就相识。那时候虬髯公是个门客，红拂是个歌妓。他们住在同一个院子里。除了给红拂打麻鞋，虬髯公还教过红拂用长剑去斩飞蝇的脑袋：太尉府里没有苍蝇，需要到外面捉回来。虬髯公在杨素家里当门客时，他还没打过几双麻鞋，也就是说，他的腮帮子还没有后来那么宽大，他只不过是个面颊松弛的人罢了。杨素家里有个石头花园，里面的一切都是石头的，比方说，水池里的水是青石砌出来的，花坛是五色的碎石拼的；除此之外的一切都是白色花岗石砌成的。那些石头里包含的白色的云母片在太阳下闪着白光。正午时分，虬髯公总是盘腿坐在花园里，顶着阳光，嘴里费力地嚼着鞋子，这时候他满脸都是油汗。透过青色的半透明的腮帮，可以看见他的舌头像怪蛇一样在麻鞋中间拌来拌去，这个景象真是十个毕加索也画不出来。这时候红拂从外面回来，他总是费力地想站起来，想把嘴里的鞋子拿出来。而看到这种样子，红拂总是皱紧了眉头，加快了脚步跑开了。 石头花园旁边有一座石头房子，是两层楼。虬髯公和红拂就住在里面。那座房子也是白色的花岗岩做的，石头门扇，石头的窗棂，窗格子上镶着白色的云母，在阳光下，那些云母也在闪着光。红拂急匆匆跑过去时，身上穿着闪亮的皮衣服。这就是说，她到外面去了。有时候她也会穿着蓝底白花的蜡染布和服走出来，这就是说，她要向虬髯公学剑了。她从来没有和虬髯公说过话＊如果这不可信的话，那么可以说她从来没有用自己的声音和虬髯公说过话。在太尉府里，姑娘们都用一种训练出来的嗓音说话，那种声音就像小鸟“啾啾”的叫声一样，或者说像鸡脖子被踩住了一样，假如不注意就听不见。 这是因为那种声音的频率太高，几乎属于超声波。看到了这种情形，或者听到了这种声音，虬髯公就把鞋胚子吐到地上（那东西湿淋淋软绵绵，就像刚生出的死羊羔），跑到屋里去把剑拿出来，虬髯公说，红拂是他的红颜知己。可怜他连这位红颜知己的嗓音都没听见过。他只听见一阵阵“啾啾”的声音，虬髯公不知道在太尉府里谁说话都是这样的，他还以为红拂说话就是那种声音呢。他教红拂剑术倒是尽心尽力的，为此每天都要到外面臭烘烘的公共厕所里去抓苍蝇。除了气味难闻一点，苍蝇倒不难捉。最难的是要把剑磨到对苍蝇的脖子来说锋利，干这种工作最好是有显微镜，但是虬髯公却没有这东西。随着剑术的精进，还要练习斩蚊子，斩蠓虫，磨剑的任务越来越重。而红拂一点也不想分担磨剑的任务。幸亏红拂总是停留在斩苍蝇的地步，否则虬髯公一定要变成个瞎子。就是这样，虬髯公教了半年剑后，就变成了三百度的近视眼。幸亏他斩苍蝇用不着看，听声音也能砍到。 后来虬髯公也承认，红拂根本学不会用剑，她充其量也就能学到把苍蝇砍成乱七八糟的两块。这是因为女人不可能以用剑为主业，她们的主业是保持漂亮，生孩子等等。但是他还是尽心尽力地教，因为除了打麻鞋和用剑，他再不会别的了；而打麻鞋根本讨不到女人的欢心。教剑的时候，虬髯公又禁不住要一本正经。这是因为剑术是他的事业，他不可能不一本正经。他把每一只被斩落的苍蝇都拣起来，盛进一个小纸盒，把头和身子拼好，埋葬后，还要在地上插上一个写有“苍蝇之冢”的竹签。葬完了苍蝇，虬髯公要对红拂解释尊重对手（哪怕它是一只苍蝇）是剑客应有的道德，但是红拂早跑得投影了。 红拂永远成不了剑客，这是因为她不能从剑术的精进里得到乐趣。偶而她砍中了苍蝇，就“啾啾”地尖叫着“砍中了”，扔下剑跑了。她不可能像虬髯公那样，剑尖垂地，认真地察看苍蝇的轨迹。假如那一剑正确地砍掉了苍蝇的脑袋，没头苍蝇就会呈螺旋状升上天去。落下来时，虬髯公正好拿出纸棺材来接住它。虬髯公不知斩过了多少苍蝇的脑袋，但是再斩时，他还是那么认真，不管它是绿豆蝇，灰麻蝇，还是大肚子母苍蝇。虬髯公还给红拂表演过斩蚊子，但是她打着呵欠说，这不好看。虬髯公还给她表演了斩蠓虫的绝技，红拂却说：你装神弄鬼的干什么？原来她根本没看见斩了什么－－－－其实只要仔细看，是可以看到的。但是红拂不想仔细看，她只想换衣服去逛大街。女人就是有这种毛病。 six 李靖初见红拂时，她就是跑出去逛大街了。当时她穿那套衣服是杨府发的，上身是皮子的三角背心，下身是皮制的超短裙，脚下是六寸跟的高跟鞋。头头们还交待说，穿这套衣服时，要画紫色的眼晕，装假睫毛，走路时要一扭一扭，这些要求像对今天的时装模特儿的要求一样。她们穿这套衣服给一个什么官儿表演过一次，那个官儿几乎当场笑死了，说道：杨兄，真亏你想得出来！和大街上的——一模一样！红拂记住了大街上那几个字，跑出去时，就是这副装扮。她不知这是妓女的装束。而妓女这个字眼她从来没有听说过，就算是听说了也不知道是什么意思。 那一天红拂是初次到大街上去。后来她又去了好几次——她很想再看见那个紫眼睛，说话好听的男人。但是李靖在家里忙着画春宫小人书，没有出来，所以她没见到。她只见到了很多黑眼珠，说话难听的家伙，那些人管她叫雷子。后来她从虬髯公那儿打听出来雷子是什么，就对那些人说：我不是雷子。人家就问她：你不是雷子，是什么？她又答不上来，只好转过身去，扭着腰走了。她不论到哪里都很方便，过街时一招手，taxi就过来了。那些黑人还争先恐后，说道：小姐，到哪儿我驼你去。咱们从来不欠税。等到乘上去就说：您认识管路考的那个胖子大叔罢？咱其实是扛得动他，可要跑那么快就费劲了。要不就是：我有个兄弟从索马里来，您能和管居留证的大叔过句话吗？原来这么巴结是想走后门。相比之下咱们中国的妓女都更有骨气，见了她，就瞪着眼，哑着嗓子说：甭过来，你丫挺的！这就使红拂觉得寂寞得很。 洛阳大街上的妓女对红拂是最不客气的了，动不动就转过身去，撩起裙子来，给她看光溜溜的屁股。见到了这些屁股后，红拂才知道这些人原来不穿内裤。不穿内裤仿佛是要突出屁股，然而那些屁股本身并不好看。然后她们又转过身来说：想逮人吗？回去打听打听，老娘是几进宫！见到这种场面，红拂只好隔得远远地站着，看人家嚼嘴里的老牛皮，自己也拿出阿拉伯树胶制的口香糖来嚼。嚼烂的牛皮也能吹出泡来，但是没有口香糖吹得大。有时会有位木匠师傅走过来，提着小桶，手里拿着新的泡蜜牛皮，对每位妓女鞠躬，说道：姑奶奶，行行好。那些妓女就把牛皮胶吐到桶里去，拿一块新牛皮。原来嚼出的胶比熬