Chapter 2 The year before last (2)

October 21 There are more and more demons and ghosts on the road. After seeing off this group, another group is ushered in.Most goblins are harmless, and some have very strong personalities. Let’s just talk about today, we were walking on the weedy wasteland, and suddenly, a village appeared in front of everyone. The master said to the elder brother: "There is a village! Let's go and ask for a cup of tea." The elder brother said: "Master, I can't go, I think it's another monster administrative village!" Before we finished speaking, we saw a group of grotesque fairies surrounded us.

"You guys come with us! We are in charge!" said one of the big-faced monsters. The elder brother teased the master and said: "Master, go and drink tea, we will wait for you here." The master panicked: "Oh! I'm not going! Please go back and tell your masters that you won't bother me today, and I will definitely visit you someday when you have free time. What you say is what you say! This is my business card, call me if you have anything to do!" The big-faced monster said: "That's not allowed! Obeying orders is the bounden duty of our army monsters! You should follow me."

There was no choice but to follow them to the stockade.In the middle of the village was a table covered with a red cloth, and behind the table sat two big devils.The larger one had golden horns on its head, and the smaller one had silver horns. Seeing this, the master hurriedly handed over the cigarette and said, "Bosses, have you eaten yet?" The big monster with a face on the side stopped the master and shouted: "We don't like to be called 'boss, but to be called' chief, do you understand?" The monster boss with golden horns (hereinafter referred to as Mr. Jin) said to us: "I invite you here for no other purpose, just to let you see my brother's invention and give some advice."

At this time, the boss of the monster with long silver horns (hereinafter referred to as the boss) took out a golden gourd from under the table and said: "Everyone, please look, this is my unprecedented and unprecedented technological innovation - the shrinking nanometer." Objects! It is used like this: as long as I call the name of a certain thing or person, he will be put into this gourd as soon as he agrees, no matter how big he is. If you don’t believe me, please take a look!..." After finishing speaking, Mr. Yin pointed to a large water tank and shouted, "Hi! Water tank!"

I saw the water tank: "I'm here!" He responded, and was taken in by the gourd.We were stunned and shouted: Amazing!Mr. Yin added: "This invention has not been finalized yet..." Before he finished speaking, the master ran over, looked at the gourd with his arms in his arms, and asked, "Can people fit in it?" "Of course." President Yin said. "Then try putting me in it, I want to see what the talking water tank looks like just now." So, Mr. Yin shouted: "The big bald donkey of the Tang Dynasty!" "Hey——" the master responded happily, and after seeing a wisp of smoke, the master was also put into the gourd.

The eldest brother hurried forward, picked up the gourd and shouted at the mouth of the gourd: "Master, master, are you alright?" The master's voice came from the gourd: "It's so cool! The air conditioner is installed here. Wukong, throw a pillow for the master, I will sleep here for a while!" The elder brother turned around and asked Mr. Yin: "What do you mean when you said it hasn't been finished yet?" "Oh! It's like this. My gourd can only be used for loading, but not for taking things out." Mr. Yin explained. The senior brother turned around and said to us: "You heard me, that scumbag can't get out. Now we divide the luggage and go home!" At this time, the master's voice came from the gourd: "Oh! Help! Hurry up! Let me out! There's a caterpillar in the water tank! I'm so... scared!"

"Don't be afraid, master! I'll spray it to death!" The second senior brother took a bottle of insecticide and sprayed it in.Suddenly there was no movement inside, and two minutes later, a caterpillar crawled out of the gourd mouth, and the senior brother asked it, "Where is my master?" The caterpillar said: "You are talking about the bald donkey inside! It was sprayed with insecticide, and it is foaming! There is a pustule! Ahhhh!" After finishing speaking, he whistled and left. October 23 It was the elder sister Guanyin who came to get the master out of the gourd, and gave him a soul-returning pill before he fully regained consciousness.

The first thing the master said after waking up was: "Is Chongchong gone? I'm so scared!" After saying goodbye to Mr. Jin and Mr. Yin, we were on our way. Today we entered a small country by boat by water.The world's great wonders.There are only women in this country, no gentlemen! When we entered the city, we saw notices posted everywhere on the walls, to the effect that they told men from other places not to go out at night, so as not to cause unnecessary physical and mental damage! In order to exchange official documents, we entered the palace. In the palace, we meet the Empress.Hey!This chick is so handsome!I can see straight.

Suddenly, the master was drooling, rushed to the queen, hugged her leg and sang: "Where did you come from, my friend. Like a moth, flew to my window..." "Leave me! Marry me! Let Sutra go to hell! I will serve you for the rest of my life!" The three of us were stunned, and the queen was even more furious, shouting: "Come on! Throw this shameless bald donkey down from the palace!" The four guards rushed forward, dragging the master's legs and dragging them out, only to see the master clasping the threshold with both hands tightly and shouting: "Beauty, please keep me! Let me be a eunuch! Let me go!" I am an eminent monk from Tang Dynasty... oops..." He was still dragged out of the hall.

The queen adjusted her clothes and asked me, "Who is this bald donkey? Are you together?" "Your Majesty, we don't know this monk at all, and he just wanted to follow us on the road..." The three of our brothers and sisters answered surprisingly unanimously! October 25 We walked into a dense forest today.Walking, walking, suddenly!A little white rabbit jumped out and surprised us.The rabbit ran without thinking, and accidentally bumped into a big tree.Passed out. We roasted and ate the rabbit.Everyone was happy and thought to themselves: It's really a pie in the sky, and there are such good things!So he decided to let the second senior brother stand by the tree to see if there were any silly rabbits bumping into it.

Not long after, I saw a beautiful girl floating down from the sky... "Ah, it's Xiaochang!" The second senior brother yelled and fainted to the ground.We took a closer look, oh!It turned out to be Fairy Chang'e! Chang'e met the master and asked, "Brother Tang, have you seen my jade rabbit?" The master was surprised at first, and then said with a playful smile: "Sister, I saw the rabbit and ran westward... so, let's go find the rabbit together!" "I'm going too!" The elder brother said to me. Suddenly, Chang'e yelled: "My baby rabbit!" It turned out that she saw a pile of rabbit fur on the ground. "Which bastard ate my bunny!" "We didn't do it! If you don't believe me, ask Bajie!" the master said. "I don't care, you pay me!" Chang'e cried, "Xiao Ming! You died so badly!" "Okay, Wukong, quickly, turn me into a rabbit, and I will make it up to her!" said the master. While they were making noise, another white rabbit came over and said, "What are you doing?" "Ah! My darling, you're not dead, you scared me to death!" Chang'e hugged the rabbit and kissed again and again. "Huh? Wasn't it you who was killed just now?" asked the master. "Idiot! Please think about it with your brain, how could a fairy rabbit be so stupid that it crashed into a tree!" the white rabbit said disdainfully. "Why did you run to the mortal world alone without saying hello?" Chang'e asked Yutu. "Ah! It's a long story... I was playing in Guanghan Palace yesterday, and I accidentally bumped into a pillar. I became dizzy and fell to the mortal world..." ……October 27 Everyone's mood is as clear as the sky today.The master is not in a hurry and wants to take a day off, and everyone agrees. So the master asked the big brother to invite Tathagata Buddha and Master Guanyin to play mahjong.Everyone is very affectionate when they meet. Soon, we set up tables and built Fangcheng.At this time, I accidentally discovered that the vase that Guanyin used to insert willow branches was replaced by a beer bottle. I was very surprised: "Sister Guanyin, why do you have a beer bottle in your hand?" Avalokitesvara said helplessly: "Oh! I've got an old problem. I like to hit things. Actually, I can't remember how many times I broke the vase. At first, I used glue to stick it, but then I couldn't stick it, so I changed it. Unexpectedly, the soy sauce bottle broke again in just two days! No, this beer bottle was replaced!" "So it turns out that Guanyin Bodhisattva is so careless!" While playing cards, the master asked Tathagata Buddha: "Boss, your hairstyle is full of personality, where did you get it permed?" Tathagata was very happy when he heard the compliment, touched his head and said: "I got it done in Xitian's Fengjianyun hairdressing salon. I wasn't so handsome before, but after being permed, I feel very ordinary... In order to be different, I asked someone to use my fingers. Pop it on my head, pop out a bag at one end, and then let the hairdresser design my current hairstyle according to these bumps. How about it, it’s fashionable enough!" "Absolutely leading the fashion!" The elder brother flattered. ... In this game, Tathagata stole cards four times; Guanyin hid cards six times, but the master was honest and only peeked at their cards seven times! October 29 "The small town has many stories, full of joy and joy..." The four of us, master and apprentice, walked into a small town humming this song. The market is very lively, there are vendors selling vegetables and treasury bills, and the most attractive places are those juggling stalls, because they are all unique skills.Swallowing swords with anus, smashing chests with big stones, farting with ears, etc. are dazzling. After watching for a while, we went to the hotel.As soon as I walked in, I heard someone shout: "Come and see! Monk pig! Monk pig! Come and see!" I glanced at the second senior brother, and asked with concern: "Are you okay, don't be as knowledgeable as them!" The second senior brother said calmly: "I don't care, once someone snatched my lollipop, I didn't even cry!" After opening the room, it was almost dusk.After dinner, everyone chatted about the jugglers they saw at the market during the day. The second senior brother said: "This is nothing, I can also do unique skills. If you don't believe me, please take a look!" After finishing speaking, it turned into a blank sheet of paper with a "boom", but you can still recognize it as the second senior brother, because There was a hole the size of a bowl in the paper, no need to guess it was the second senior brother's belly button.I saw that this piece of white paper folded itself into a paper crane; after a while it folded into a boat.The performance was wonderful, everyone applauded. The elder brother couldn't sit still for a long time, and said: "Okay! One person will perform a unique skill, watch me!" After speaking, it turned into a big tree, and after a while, watermelons grew on the tree, and after a while, strawberries grew on the tree .Everyone applauds. It's my turn.I turned into a jingle cat, and took out a large wardrobe from a small pocket for a while, and a big rhinoceros for a while, and everyone applauded. After the performance, I said to the elder brother: "Don't be difficult for the master, he is a mortal body, how can he have any unique skills?" Unexpectedly, the master said coquettishly: "No! They also want to perform unique skills!" Everyone was thinking about it, and saw that the master took off his shoes and socks, revealing his white and fat toes, and saw that he rubbed his big toes longer than chopsticks for a while; And the second big toe braided into a twist!We were all dumbfounded, we didn't expect the master to have such a skill!This is the result of his usual toe-playing. He said happily while playing: "How about it! Who can be more ruthless than me! I, this and that, can do anything!" Everyone applauds! November 1 It is already autumn, but where we are, it is extremely hot, and the sun is baking the earth like a fireball.All the crops in the field were dead, and the people were hungry and thirsty, waiting desperately for the coming of death. The elder brother summoned the local god who was in charge of the land for questioning, only to find out that he overthrew the alchemy furnace of the Taishang Laojun when he made a big disturbance in the heavenly palace, and the bricks of the furnace fell to the mortal world, which caused today's tragic situation.But as long as you borrow the plantain fan of the eldest sister of Princess Iron Fan, you can put out the fire fan! I rely on!Xiaobai one!How can there be a fan that can put out the fire? ! "Although I thought so, I still went to the iron fan Gege with my elder brother to borrow a fan. When I arrived at Grid, wow est!Grid looks really Q!My senior brother and I were just chatting with her and forgot about borrowing the fan.Finally, the elder brother remembered.He asked Iron Fan Gege: "Are you married?" Iron Fan Gege said: "Married, my husband is the king of cowhide kings!" "Ah? No way, then you are my sister-in-law! I and Wang Zhongwang are sworn brothers! I don't know if the eldest brother mentioned me in front of my sister-in-law? My name is Sun Wukong, and people in the Jianghu gave me a nickname: Monkey Head Big Brother! " Iron Fan Gege said: "Hey! It's my uncle! Disrespect, disrespect! I haven't thanked you for the red boy last time. Come! Sister-in-law toast uncle!" The eldest brother said: "Look! My sister-in-law is out of touch, isn't it? The eldest nephew's business is my business. Besides, it's a trivial matter!" Iron Fan Gege said: "Look at what you said, after graduating from technical secondary school, Hongbai has been unable to find a job. But your elder brother and I were very anxious. Thanks to Uncle, you helped Comrade Guanyin and arranged the child with her." .It can be regarded as finding an ideal business unit! Do you think I can thank you?" Seeing that they were chatting endlessly, I interrupted and said, "Brother, master is still waiting for us to bring back the plantain fan sooner!" The eldest brother reacted and said, "Sister-in-law, can I borrow your plantain fan?" Iron Fan Gege said: "No problem! Take it." Then he took out the fan, "Here, the password of the fan is: there is frost in front of the bed, it is suspected to be moonlight. Hold your head up to stop the nosebleed, bow your head to sneeze !" "Thank you sister-in-law! I'll take my leave now, and say hello to elder brother for me!" Iron Fan Gege said: "Walk slowly, I won't see you off! Come and sit if you have time, my sister-in-law will cook something delicious for you!" November 3 "No, it's not like the West at all when you come to this place. Did you go the wrong way?" I asked the senior brother. Eldest brother flew up to the clouds and set up a canopy to look around.Suddenly he found something and said to us: "There is a boundary marker in front, I'll go and have a look." After a while, he came back dejectedly, and everyone asked him, "What place is this said on the boundary marker?" The elder brother said: "It says: the boundary of Bengbu, 425 kilometers away from Shanghai." "Wow! So we are almost in Shanghai! Wukong, where is Shanghai? Is it far from Tianzhu?" The master asked naively. "We're going the wrong way, master! We're almost at the East China Sea!" said the second senior brother, "His grandma's going the wrong way again!" "East China Sea? It's not the West Heaven, Wukong, is there any scripture to learn from the East China Sea? I think we got it there!" The master said something stupid again. "There's shit!" The senior brother gave the master a blank look. I comforted everyone and said: "Don't make noise, it's not bad to be in Bengbu, go and see Lin Changzhi's hometown." "Who is Lin Changzhi? Is it a star or a rich man?" the master asked. "Both!" I said, "He is a rich star, and people in the Jianghu give him a nickname: Turkic king of kings!" "So, that man is both powerful and idolized?!" said the elder brother. I said, "It's not because of his fame. He once had a famous saying: 'Actually, I don't have any strength at all...I belong to the pure idol group!" November 5 Love is the love debt owed in the previous life to be repaid in this life. You see, the second senior brother owed Chang'e and Gao Xiaolan in his previous life, how helpless he is in this life! The master owes the king of the daughter country and the mouse spirit in the bottomless pit, and the master owes Miss Jingjing and Fairy Zixia... I?damn it!I must have been vulgar in my previous life, so I have no debts to pay back in this life! November 11 Today, a vixen fell in love with the master and insisted that we go to her house for a meal.The master wanted to go, but the elder brother stopped him. The master said: "It's all right, this fairy has been captured by my appearance, she will not hurt me!" The elder brother warned him: "Don't think that you are Korean after eating barbecue a few times. Fairies are fairies after all! Nothing good will happen!" The master insisted on going his own way.She came back crying, and when she saw us, she cried and said, "That shameless vixen wanted someone to help her dig a cellar...I was forced to do it all afternoon. Woohoo..." ... November 27 A group of villagers were arguing with a fat man, and we surrounded them. "You are too disgraceful! Look at us! You can talk about public morality!" A villager pointed to the fat man. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" The fat man was ashamed. "Our village is really unlucky to have this happen, you have to compensate us!" Another villager said angrily. ah!It turns out that the fat man is Maitreya Buddha, why is he here? "Hey?! Isn't this a fat man? What happened, why are you in such a mess?" The elder brother asked Maitreya Buddha. "Hey! It's a monkey!" Maitreya Buddha saw the senior brother and said, "It's a long story. Recently, bowling is popular in the upper level. The good ones are okay, but the poor ones always throw the ball down! No, it hits the ball. These people are dead, and I am here to pay for the medical expenses." "Why do you have to come down, whoever throws it down will have to pay for it, you see you are so old, and you still wipe other people's buttocks all day long!" The second senior brother defended Maitreya Buddha. "Hey, it's not that they say I'm the most friendly..." Maitreya said happily. After losing the money, the elder brother said to Maitreya Buddha: "Fatty, there is still money left, please let us go and make a meal!" "I'm too late, I have to go back to watch "Deep Love, It's Raining", and I'll give you the rest of the money, I'll go first!" After finishing speaking, he went up. "Fatty, go to hell! You're so tasteless!" the master scolded. November 30 Why are the gods in the upper realm so boring recently! Today Erlang Shen came down to engage in pyramid schemes and spread it to us. In the end, he was scolded back by the master and the second senior brother. It turns out that the products he sells are shampoo and mousse! December 6 Today, the Jade Emperor sent an envoy to send Zhaoshu, ordering me, my senior brother and my second senior brother to go to the Heavenly Court to participate in the first "Heaven Realm Sports Conference". The first brother's event is sprinting, the second senior brother's event is rhythmic gymnastics, and my event is synchronized swimming. The master cried and shouted that he would also participate in the competition, but the messenger said that there was no event he could participate in.He asked in a low voice, "Is there a toe-to-toe game?" The messenger kicked him out. December 8 The four of us came to heaven.Everyone is here, it is really lively! The Jade Emperor read out the opening speech: "Brothers, life lies in sports! In order to improve the fitness of the whole people, I now declare: the opening of the first sports meeting in Tianjie!" Then, the athletes took an oath on behalf of Taibai Jinxing, which was very concise: "Just do it!" The first event in the sports meeting is the men's 100-meter sprint. The opponents of the big brother are: Taibai Jinxing, Guixianren, Tota Li Tianwang and Baixiangjing.Amidst our cheers, the big brother lived up to expectations and was the first to cross the finish line and win the championship.It's the turn of rhythmic gymnastics, and the two brothers are in the same group: Bull Demon King, Queen Mother, Sleeping Arhat and Maitreya Buddha. "Damn it! There's no way to compare! My team is too strong! I want to quit to avoid embarrassment." The second senior brother was very unconfident. The elder brother forced him to participate in the competition, but he came in second, and the champion was Maitreya Buddha. My synchronized swimming competition has started. My opponents are: Tathagata, Subduing Dragon Arhat, Taiyi Tianzun, Yama and Patriarch Bodhi. I won the championship with unmatched difficulty and artistry! Today is really happy and fulfilling. December 15 At noon today, we ate sliced ​​noodles at the food stall. The noodle slicer is skillful, his knife is like a flywheel, and the noodles are like snow, falling into the pot piece by piece. The master said to Xiao Er: "Hey! Dude, serve us four bowls of plain noodles!" Xiao Er shouted: "Okay! Four bowls of plain noodles! Please wait a moment, guest officer." The master added: "Put some shredded pork in the plain noodles!" Xiaoer asked: "Then you want shredded pork noodles?" The master clasped his hands together and said, "Amitabha, sin, sin! Monks only eat vegetarian noodles, not shredded pork noodles! Didn't I make it clear, add shredded pork to noodles with essential ingredients, absolutely not noodles with shredded pork!" "I rely on est! My brain is so funny!" Xiao Er scolded. The noodles came and they were really delicious. The second brother asked the noodle maker, "Where did you learn this skill?" He replied: "I learned it at Shanxi Knife Sliced ​​Noodle Academy." "Hey, you're still a college student!" said the second senior brother, "No wonder the noodles taste a little sour!" December 18 Today is my birthday, and none of the three idiots remember it, so I can't say. During lunch, I said, "Today, December 18th, is really an auspicious day!" The elder brother said indifferently: "What's so auspicious about this? What a fuss!" I said: "I want you to send it! Whoever was born today really has vision and has a future!" It was still the second senior brother who was smart, patted his thigh and said, "Junior Brother Sha, today is your birthday!" I bowed my head and said nothing. The master said: "Oh! Wujing, you are one year older again. Oh, come here and let the master touch it to see if there are any wrinkles on your face?" "Let's have a party tonight to celebrate with you," said the elder brother. I am so happy! In the evening, the master bought an extra-large potsticker pancake and put thirty-one candles on the pancake as a birthday present for me.After lighting the fire, he sang: "I wish you good luck and longevity..." The elder brother interrupted him and said: "Master, don't sing, I prefer to hear you cry! Come on! Brother Sha, I will give you a present, I wish you a happy life every year !" I thought to myself: "This monkey spirit! You're so stingy, what good things can he give me?!" Sure enough, he took out a rubber band from his back and said, "I'll give you this rubber band, it's useful for beating people !" (Is there any mistake!) "Wow! What a delicate rubber band! I really like it! Thank you, big brother!" I said. It was the second brother who knew me and gave me a doll that looked like Chibi Maruko, I couldn't put it down! When blowing out the candles, I made three wishes: 1.Find someone you like. 2.The Quarry finds me. 3.A lot of people I like have found me. December 28 Recently, the second senior brother has become obsessed with making inventions.Most of his inventions are boring stuff. For example: washing powder that can be drunk; socks that can strengthen yang; pillows that can explode; floor-standing spittoons, etc... But not all of them are useless, and some are very creative and practical, so let me introduce them. 1.Fishhook that can cook fish: This kind of fishhook is very magical, as long as the fish bites the hook, it will be braised sweet and sour fish. 2.Male and Female Marker: This little thing is very practical, as long as you hang it on your body, others can know whether you are a man or a woman at a glance. 3.Rotating toilet: Strictly speaking, this is a medical device.If you can't defecate, just sit on this toilet, and when you press the button, the toilet will rotate rapidly with you until the feces are thrown out. 4.The bed that can move up and down: ... I think it goes without saying that everyone will understand what it is useful for. December 30 Today in a village we met an old man, his name is Wu Chengen, who is writing a novel about four monks going to Tianzhu to learn scriptures. After reading his work, the master said: "The plot is very bizarre, but I think those four monks are very stupid." The old man said helplessly: "I think so too. Originally, I wanted to write more profligately, but the publisher said that in order to educate the next generation, I can't write too practically, so I can only write like this. But it doesn't matter, I'm already in Drafting another new novel, it's very profane, the title of the book is..."