Chapter 26 Broken Dreams After Marriage

However, he is not her teacher now, and she is not his student anymore. From now on, they can only be a husband and wife relationship. This kind of relationship makes them not give an inch, and they argue hard. This is the relationship between husband and wife.From ideal to reality. Li Yaling gradually found the feeling of being a city person.After three years of college life and half a year of married life, she has fully integrated into the city.She no longer has to worry about going back to the countryside one day, because her household registration and files have been accepted by the city.In other words, she is now a city person through and through.

She lives in a tube building, sometimes on night shift, sometimes on day shift, and returns home after work, cleans up briefly, and then waits for Zhang Song to come back.Every evening, it was Zhang Song's lesson preparation time. As long as Li Yaling was at home, Zhang Song would go to the office to prepare lessons. He said it was quiet there.Zhang Song used to prepare lessons in the tube building. At that time, he had a tryst with Li Yaling while preparing lessons. Now Li Yaling is the only one at home guarding the vacant room. How Li Yaling wished time to go back to the past, when the two of them wished they could stay together every minute and every second, but now, Zhang Song only knows how to escape, he doesn't know whether to escape from Li Yaling, or escape from this untimely marriage.

It was getting late, Li Yaling couldn't wait for Zhang Song to come back, she could only wash and sleep by herself, Zhang Song sometimes came back before she fell asleep, sometimes she was already asleep, Zhang Song came back lazily, and couldn't mention it. Look energetic. She snuggled up to him, hoping he would kiss her, but he pushed her away and said: I'm tired, go to sleep.As a result, he rolled over and fell asleep. But she couldn't sleep, looking at the dark night, listening to the ticking of the alarm clock, she began to miss those happy times before marriage, she really wanted to go back to the past.At this time, she remembered a sentence in a book: The best time for a man and a woman is to fall in love, not to get married.

But in order to stay in the city, she had to marry.Zhang Song was not in a hurry to marry her at the time, he was passive, and she even threatened him once.They got married in this helplessness, so they had this helpless ending. Sometimes, she came back from the unit with great interest, and she had a desire to tell him, and he came back on time for dinner.In order to make the meal last longer, she cooked two extra dishes and poured a glass of wine on the table.He sat at the table, didn't seem to see the wine, didn't feel her mood, he ate in a hurry, as always, his expression was so-so, her good mood was hit when she saw him like this, but she I still want to express my good wishes.

She said: Shall I add some clothes to you at the weekend?A gray shirt is more suitable for you. He said: I have to work overtime on weekends, forget it. She also said: How about going at night, now that the store is closed late, there is still time. He also said: I still prepare lessons at night. She didn't know what to say. Looking at his rice bowl, when she was clearing the table, she could only silently pour the glass of wine into the bottle. In the evening, sometimes she walked out of the tube building alone and walked around the campus, seeing young college students in twos and threes, some whispering in the shade of trees, some hugging each other, doing something young people love, she walked Looking at it, everything in front of me feels like a world away.Finally, she went downstairs to the office building and saw the lights in the teaching and research room where Zhang Song was, knowing that he was still there, as if she had returned to the past, feeling so warm, so urgent, so impulsive.She is still emotional at this time, but what about Zhang Song? She stood under the shadow of a tree and looked at the light in the window, tears streaming out quietly at some point.She felt a sense of loss and melancholy.

If it is said that she was somewhat utilitarian about the city before marriage, then her state of mind has undergone a fundamental change now.She doesn't want to be rich and powerful in life, she only wants the content that should be in life.If she had known that marriage was like this, she would rather give up staying in the city to find her own romance and warmth.After all, Li Yaling is a young woman, and she has the dreams and requirements of young women for life. She started to quarrel with Zhang Song, and once the quarrel got out of control, she seemed to have a lot of resentment in her heart, and she had nowhere to vent it, she could only vent it out by quarreling with Zhang Song.

She said: What a life this is, I have had enough. During dinner one night, she said this to Zhang Song. Although Zhang Song was unprepared for her tone of voice and the content of her speech, a pair of blank eyes looked at her through the lens. She said: Zhang Song, you have changed, what did you treat me before marriage, and what do you do now? Tell me, tell me. Zhang Song didn't come back to his senses for a moment, still looking at her so strangely. She said again: "Look at me, why are you listless all day long, and you don't even want to say a word to me."Let me tell you, Zhang Song, I didn't ask for this marriage. If you hadn't treated me that way, I wouldn't have asked to marry you.

It took Zhang Song a long time to react, and he stammered: "What's wrong with me? She said: What's wrong, you know it yourself.Zhang Song, let me ask you, are you dissatisfied with me? Zhang Song didn't seem to have thought about this topic yet, and he didn't know how to answer it for a while. Zhang Songcai said after a while: We are still young now, and we will live a long life in the future. I want to learn more things while I am young, which will definitely be useful in the future. This sentence revealed a flaw, and Li Yaling caught it, and she immediately said: If you treat me better, will it affect your progress in learning.

There is nothing wrong with Li Yaling's words. Zhang Song was stunned for a long time before saying: Am I not good enough for you? If you say you get married, you will get married. After you get married, you will be given your monthly salary. how? Li Yaling was in tears, she wiped her tears and said: I don't want your salary, I just want to live a normal life, you are always busy, you don't even have time to talk to me, sometimes you don't even look at me all day At a glance, is this how you treat me? Zhang Song had nothing to say, after such arguing with Luci, things really changed.After dinner, I can also spare time to accompany Li Yaling for a walk around the campus.At that time, Li Yaling was happy, she put her hands in Zhang Song's arms, and sometimes the two bodies kept touching each other, Li Yaling seemed to have found the feeling of being over-charged again, just like when they were in love.After walking for a while, Zhang Song looked at his watch and said, "It's time for me to prepare lessons."

Li Yaling said: Take me back to the door, and you can go. Zhang Song accompanied her to the gate of Tongzilou, the two stopped, Zhang Song was about to leave, she called him back, straightened his neckline for him, and then looked at him away. Li Yaling came home alone, in a good mood. She was still humming, looking beaming. Before going to bed, she took time to read the medical records brought home for a while, and then went to bed. She waited for Zhang Song to come back early. After Zhang Song came back, she had already fallen asleep. She reached out to touch Zhang Song, hugged one of his arms, and then fell asleep steadily.Tomorrow she will be on the morning shift, and she will get up after five o'clock, and then go to take over.Zhang Song doesn't need to be so early, he can arrive at the classroom at eight o'clock to teach the students, so she always goes to bed first.

After this kind of life lasted for a few days, Zhang Song started to go her own way again, and went to the office to prepare lessons and read books every night after eating, leaving her alone at home.At this time, her heart was very restless, watching the alarm clock move forward little by little, she couldn't do anything, and her mood was very disturbed.From time to time, she listened to the movement in the corridor. Several times she heard the footsteps outside the door and thought it was Zhang Song who came back. She hurriedly opened the door, but it turned out that it was not Zhang Song, so she closed the door disappointedly, looking very depressed.Then she lay on the bed, but couldn't fall asleep, tossing and turning, she began to suffer from insomnia.Finally Zhang Song came back, and he lay beside her. Not long after, Zhang Song fell asleep and snored.She sat up and looked at him. In the darkness, Zhang Song's face was hazy.The Zhang Song in front of her is still the Zhang Song before, but things are different, and this day is not the same as she imagined.She really wanted to yell at him and wake him up from his sleep. Her resentment accumulated in her heart little by little, and finally burst out one day. She said: You don't have me in your heart at all. He looked stunned and said: Why don't you have it? She said: You just don't have me, only your students, do you have a crush on who is younger? He couldn't do anything about her nonsense, so he waved his hand and said: I just like the young one.Are you so tired? We are husband and wife now, not couples in love. There are so many things to do every day. How about some time to do something serious? Zhang Song is not a romantic person, he does not have an accurate positioning for that kind of married life. She listened to him, and tears came out again, and she felt so sad that all the romance and fantasies were so far away from her. She said: You have been shopping with me a few times, and you can't even remember my birthday, so what's the point of living with you like this. He didn't want to quarrel with her, so he hurriedly finished his meal, picked up the lesson plans and went to the office.Sometimes, he didn't come back at all, and slept in the office with a mat.With such quarrels, it often takes a few days of stalemate before life can return to normal. Li Yaling did not expect such a real life. She had many romantic thoughts about marriage. Back then in the university dormitory, when they were lying on the bed, the girls dreamed about marriage dreamily. Of course, she also had her own dreams.When they collectively fell in love with Teacher Zhang Song, how happy she was, because at that time, she was the closest to Teacher Zhang Song, and she thought Be the happiest person in the world for yourself. However, the actual marriage shattered her dream. The marriage she dreamed and pursued turned out to be such a picture, and Li Yaling was deeply disappointed.Is this the so-called happiness she got? When Li Yaling was alone, she couldn't help feeling sad. No matter whether it is going to work or after get off work, she has no enthusiasm at all.When she first got married, she was so nostalgic for the home in this tube building. When she locked the door, she always turned her head and took a nostalgic look. When she walked downstairs, she raised her head and glanced at the window that belonged to her. , she felt a very down-to-earth feeling, like a floating seed finally found the land, with a kind of root and hope.Every day when she came back from get off work, no matter it was morning or evening, she always went to the vegetable market to buy vegetables first, and came back excitedly. After entering the door, she didn't even have time to change her clothes, so she lit a fire, and the whole corridor of Tongzilou was filled with the sound of cooking. A movement of life is intertwined in it.At that time, Li Yaling sighed, how meaningful life is! When she thinks of life, her eyes become wet and there is a feeling of gratitude. As time goes by, life has become another look.What kind of mood cultivates what kind of life, and life is actually a kind of mood. At this time, Li Yaling lost this mood, and life also lost its luster. Zhang Song seems to have been familiar with this kind of life for a long time. He started to escape as soon as he got married, which is the opposite of Li Yaling.Li Yaling had to complain, had to fight and grab Zhang Song.When I was in college, I secretly fell in love with Zhang Song. At that time, she was sweet and had a kind of possessive desire for Zhang Song, because there was still a certain distance between her and Zhang Song in terms of emotion and heart. Because of the relationship between students and students, she is a student and Zhang Song is a teacher. Because of this distance, there is an aesthetic.However, he is not her teacher now, and she is not his student anymore. From now on, they can only be a husband and wife relationship. This kind of relationship makes them not give an inch, and they argue hard. This is the relationship between husband and wife.From ideal to reality. Because of the change in Li Yaling's mood, she was not so eager to go home when she got off work in the hospital. In the past, she was always the first to change her clothes and rushed out like a charge.Now, like all those old doctors and nurses, she has learned to be slow and calm. She took off her gloves, changed her clothes, soaped her hands under the tap, and carefully washed the gaps between her fingernails for a few minutes. After several times, he walked downstairs unhurriedly, and kept saying hello to the people around him. When approaching the Tongzilou, she no longer looked up to find her own window, but lowered her head and went upstairs with a lot of thoughts. She found it wrong several times. When she took out the key to open the door of other people's house , I realized that I went to the wrong door.Because of this, Li Yaling's expression also became sleepy. She no longer quarreled with Zhang Song. When he came back, he would come back. If he didn't come back, she didn't expect anything from him. When the two of them ate, they had nothing to do with each other. He said: This class of freshmen has a good foundation, much better than your group of workers, peasants and soldiers. She said: Really, are there any beautiful girls? He unconsciously glanced at her. After a long while, she said again: Two college students were newly assigned to our hospital, and they made a mistake in a small appendix operation. He glanced at her again and put down the bowl. She also put down the bowl, suddenly remembered something and said: Zhang Song, I want a child. This idea came to her suddenly, the moment she put down her job, but after she said it, the idea suddenly became thicker and bigger, and became extremely tenacious.She looked at him nervously. He didn't speak all the time, just looked at her thoughtfully for a while, and then said: That's okay, maybe you won't think about it when you have a child. Her idea was approved by him, she was very excited, and she was disturbed by another ideal.Ordinary life is always looking forward to thrilling, although there are no ups and downs, I also hope that there will be changes.In this anticipation, she made up her mind to have a child, and maybe by then, she would really be happy.Since everyone is going to get married and then have kids, why not get the process all done sooner? Since then, she has focused on preparing for having a baby.Ever since she became pregnant before marriage, she has learned a lesson. When she had that kind of relationship with Zhang Song, she insisted on using tools, and Zhang Song obeyed and insisted until now.They want children now, so the tools will naturally not work.So they started to work together in concert, which is the most consistent thing they have ever thought about since they got married.After they finished loving each other, they lay there, their bodies limp and tired. She said: Maybe when you have a child, you will fall in love with home. He said: Once you have a child, you will stop thinking about it. Life is life, so there are so many tiring thoughts. She said: "Having a baby can be exhausting. He said: If you want to take it, you can take it. If you don’t want to take it, you can leave it to my mother. My mother will retire next year. She wants a grandson like crazy. A few days ago, Li Yaling went to Zhang Song's parents' house every now and then, mostly on weekends, and sometimes had a meal at his house. Zhang Song's mother didn't say anything, and most of the time she looked at Li Yaling's waist with probing eyes. Swipe around. During the meal, Zhang Song's mother said: You are old enough to have a baby. At that time, neither of them picked up the mother's quarrel. At that time, she had no idea of ​​having children, and she was still immersed in the expectation of marriage and family.Now that she has finally made up her mind to have a baby, she imagines how she will look with her breasts and belly puffed up when she is pregnant in the future.At that time, Zhang Song seemed to be very cooperative with Li Yaling. He went to bed early every day when he came back from the office to prepare lessons. They all became very diligent, and their life became sweet again.Li Yaling was immersed in a kind of imaginary sweetness for a while, and she became positive about life again. When she got off work every day, she was the first to rush out of the outpatient building, and quickly rode her bicycle to the vegetable market. Her dinner was well cooked, her face was ruddy, her eyes blurred, as if she had fallen in love again.A woman in love is always charming and lovely. She no longer quarrels with Zhang Song, what is there to argue about in such a sweet life? If this life continues like this, she will definitely be satisfied. But a few months later, she didn't get pregnant as expected. In the process of happiness, she even forgot her original purpose. Until one day, after sweating profusely, Zhang Song leaned on her body and said: It's been several months, and it's time to conceive. Only then did she realize that she had wanted to get pregnant.She stretched out her hand to touch her smooth belly. She is a medical student and knows whether she is pregnant without touching her belly. The normal menstruation every month is enough to prove that she is not pregnant. After a few months, Zhang Song's mood was not high, and she was not so diligent. Sometimes she came back from the office very late, and she had already woken up.He was lying beside her, and she hoped that he could still do something tonight, so she leaned over and wrapped her hands around him warmly. He pushed her hand away and said: I'm too tired, wait for two days. She was a little frustrated, loosened her hands a little bit, her body cooled down a little bit, and fell asleep after a while.Such days continued for several months. When menstruation comes every month, he always looks at her with searching eyes.If it came, she shook her head and sighed.Before that, his eyes had some expectations, like a few coals were burning, and then went out after hearing her words. A few times, her menstruation was delayed for a few days, and she would make various marks on the calendar board to count the days accurately, but a few days later, her menstruation came again, and she and him were like frustrated balls , so I look forward to the next month. After waiting so hard for a while, both of them seemed to be tired. She said: I used to be afraid of getting pregnant, so I got pregnant, but now I want to get pregnant, but I can't. You say you are in a hurry, but you are not in a hurry. Zhang Song said: Why don't you go to the hospital to check, is there something wrong? She said: What's wrong, it's not that I haven't been pregnant before. He too was silent, disappointed in the hopeless effort. It was an elder sister in the department who encouraged Li Yaling to go to the gynecology department for a comprehensive examination, and she entered the gynecology department.This eldest sister has experienced similar things before, and later, after a checkup, she found something wrong, so she underwent surgery and took medicine, and finally became pregnant. Sure enough, Li Yaling found something wrong.The conclusion is this. Li Yaling confessed that she had been pregnant and had an abortion history. The doctor followed this clue to check. The last abortion was very unsuccessful, and the uterus was scraped and leaked, which caused the massive bleeding.Although the wound has healed long ago, the wall of the uterus is too thin now, and the fertilized eggs cannot implant in the uterus. Without the land for survival, the seeds will naturally not take root, bloom, and bear fruit. This diagnosis is fatal.Li Yaling has studied medicine, and she is a doctor herself, which means that she will be sentenced to lifelong infertility.That day, when she came to this conclusion, she sat on the examination bed for a long time, her face pale and numb. When she walked out of the gynecology department, she was already in tears. A woman who wanted to be a mother suddenly declared that she had no right to be a mother, and undoubtedly announced her death sentence. That day, when she returned home, she fell on the bed without washing her hands or face, and the lights were not turned on.When Zhang Song came back, he went in and turned on the light, saw Li Yaling on the bed with a sluggish expression, came over in surprise and asked: Are you sick? After he finished speaking, he stretched out his hand and touched her head. She was not hot, and even felt a little cold on her forehead. He asked again: what's wrong with you? She took out the inspection report from under the pillow, and Zhang Song understood everything after only a few glances.He also sat there blankly, studying that piece of paper over and over in disbelief. Li Yaling suddenly found a vent, she sat up and shouted at him: At the beginning you said you would not get pregnant and lied to me to have sex, what happened? If not at the beginning, how would you be today? After she finished speaking, she covered her head with the quilt and burst into tears, a cry of grief and a cry of destruction. Zhang Song sat there blankly, as if sitting in a dream in a trance. She spent a few days in a daze like this before her emotions stabilized, and she resigned to her fate.She felt that this was her life, and all this was the price she paid for entering the city. If she didn't fall in love with Zhang Song at the beginning, but just fell in love without unwanted pregnancy, the whole school would not know about her relationship with Zhang Song, and she would have no right to ask Zhang Song to marry herself. Unable to stay and work in the city, maybe he is now suffering in the countryside.Thinking of this, her heart became balanced and her emotions stabilized. Now that she had accepted her fate, life was life again.People living in this world have many desires that need to be satisfied. For desires, there is hope and direction of effort day by day.