Chapter 5 Am I guilty or not?

In 1968, a 30-year-old female doctor at T City Children's Hospital On August 26, 1966, the climax of the Red Guards ransacking their homes—Survived inhuman abuse for three whole days—Cut off my father’s carotid artery with a fruit knife—Sentenced to life imprisonment for "resistance movement homicide"—Twelve Year and a half in prison -- acquitted on March 2, 1979 I killed my dad with my own hands.You know this. Two days ago I was going to talk to you, but I couldn't restrain myself from talking, but I didn't sleep last night, so I didn't plan to talk today.That's right, when I think about it, everything seems to be in front of my eyes like my father and mother did that day.Recalling once is equivalent to peeling off the skin.I have high blood pressure and I'm afraid I can't stand it.I want to put off today's matter, but when I see you, I have to talk about it again.That’s right, it might not be a bad idea to talk about it.

My scars are incurable.It's been twenty years, and I still don't know whether it's right or wrong to kill my father by myself? I was sentenced to life imprisonment at the beginning, but I was acquitted and released after smashing the "Gang of Four".Am I guilty? My family members, brother and sister-in-law all said they understand me, but after all, I killed him.If it weren't for me, he would be alive today in good health.Did I save him or kill him? Why did I feel wronged for a while, and regretted myself for a while? At that time, I seemed to be insane, and I really felt insane.I don't know, it's all messed up anyway.

On the morning of August 26, 1966.No, it happened on the morning of August 28th, and the 26th was the day my house was raided.It was also at the climax of the raids.Suddenly the door opened and a group of middle school Red Guards came in, saying that my father was a capitalist.In fact, he is not a capitalist at all, he just left the house left by his ancestors and rented out the unlivable one downstairs.At most enough to be a real estate owner.But at that time, renting out was considered exploitation, and you got something for nothing.It was all smashed.The whole family rushed to the hall and knelt down.My family is all honest people. I have never seen this market before, and I was completely shocked.My father is a painter, and a painting was sent to the United States for exhibition before liberation.The Red Guards held exhibition certificates to read.Well, you have connections with imperialism, you have connections with foreign countries, spies and so on.We were literally terrified.Now think about it, Red Guards, how can such a small child scare you like that.But that was the "Cultural Revolution"!Almost everyone in our alley was smashed and beaten.If you say I will kill you, I will kill you, it's really scary!It's not a one-off thing.Once a group of Red Guards came, and then another group came, and after a while, another group came, copying things randomly, and affixing a seal after copying away.All the books and paintings were piled up and burned.There was smoke inside and outside the building; from the 26th to the 28th, from dawn to dusk, the three of us, my parents and I, were locked in the room with leather belts, our hair was all torn, and we fought again and again Go to the entrance of the alley and kneel on the ground to criticize.Don't let you have a little idle time, tossing back and forth, people are not people.It would be nice if there was a place to hide, but where could we hide? The whole city is ransacking homes, beating gongs everywhere and parading in the streets to criticize. We are so nervous, we are extremely nervous, so we don’t want to live anymore.

I just said insanity, that's right, we didn't want to jump off the building at the time, but my mother and I jumped off the building somehow.I didn't even think about it beforehand, there was no way to go, I was forced to go there, my eyes were so dark, and I jumped down. My eldest brother and second brother live downstairs.My parents live upstairs.I'm a medical school graduate working as a doctor at Children's Hospital.I was a member of the League, worked hard, and was rated as an advanced worker or something.Later, he went to the countryside with the medical team and became ill with hepatitis.When I go home to recuperate, I live with my parents.Just in time for the disaster at home during the "Cultural Revolution".That day when the Red Guards came in and swung their sticks, they were so powerful, it seemed that after sleeping all night, they became enemies.Our family knelt there, and we did not know that we had committed a crime.

On August 28th, my parents and I didn't eat anything for three whole days, and the bowls were smashed.That is, when the Red Guards went to eat, I took a pot to cook some noodle soup for my elder brother's children.That night, my parents and I were upstairs, thinking that after the night passed, the Red Guards would come again at dawn.I had to go through the streets endlessly, and I was nervous and afraid. There was really no way out. Let me die! The three of us agreed to die together.At that time, all the wires in the building were cut off, probably we were electrocuted to death, and it was dark.The three of us sat upstairs on the hall floor, discussing how to die.It was raining that day, and it was already midnight.It's almost dawn, if you can't wait for dawn, die soon.I suddenly found a small apple-peeling knife on the ground, which was connected to the key and was missed when copying things.This seems to be the only tool that can save lives.I am a medical student, and I know that if you use it to cut the carotid artery, as soon as the air penetrates into the blood vessel, it will embolize and die immediately. This is the fastest way.My dad asked if I was okay?I said yes, pretty sure.My mother said, thanks to our daughter studying medicine, there is this way.We agreed to cut off the two of them first, and finally I ended my own life.But I didn't expect that it didn't achieve this goal.

Before dying, the three of us couldn't bear each other, we sat hand in hand for an indefinite amount of time.I have the deepest relationship with my parents since I was a child.My parents plan to ask me to stay when they die.I said no, if I killed you, even if I committed a capital crime, I would not be able to survive.At that time, I didn't even dare to think about it. I could see it when I closed my eyes.Time waits for no one, it is almost dawn, and my parents rushed to tell me to do it.I would never kill anyone at any time, let alone kill my own parents.But at that time, in that situation, I would do it, and I could only do it this way.My father said, what you did is a good thing, you are trying to relieve our pain.How can we suffer when they come again in a while?The tension forced me to do it.

I touched the end of a crayon on the ground, grabbed two pieces of paper, and wrote two suicide notes in the dark.For the sake of my family and my brother, I wrote this-- We are public enemies of the people. In order to prevent people around us from being poisoned, we are resolutely eliminated from society. Long live the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution! ××× (my former husband, who works in other places) and the two families surnamed Mu (this refers to My elder brother and my second elder brother, I can’t call you elder brother, you have to get involved with us again) You insist on the path of revolution, we are the ones who harmed you.

My father told my mother to die first, and my mother told my father to die first.Whoever dies first will flee first.Humility for a long time.My dad said, listen to you one last time! He died first. I touched my father's throbbing carotid artery, and when I pricked it, I felt blood gushing out.My father also said, feel if I still have a pulse? I said that medically speaking, it will be over in less than a minute.My father said that he wished he would lose his pulse quickly.My mother said that we are dead, what should you do if you can't do it yourself? She also understood that I must finish together and can't stay; I said you are finished, and I will be finished soon.My mom was waiting for me to do it to her like she was in therapy.At that time, we had neither voice nor publicity. I don't know why my second brother suddenly broke into the house and shouted, as if the Red Guards had come.The voice of the second brother is not like a human voice.He came up and hugged me, I saw that it couldn't be done, the three of us couldn't die together, I was about to faint.Breaking away from him violently, he climbed up to the platform on the third floor and jumped down.I didn't even think about what my mother would do, let alone jumping off the building. If it was head down, it would be over.There was a bang in my ears, I don't know.When I came over in a daze, the impression was the voice of the Red Guards.Is it right? I don't know.When I opened my eyes again, I was already in the hospital.I saw my father lying beside me, and my mother lying beside me.In fact, it is a hallucination, and I dare not look when I close my eyes.I was still thinking in my heart, something bad, what should I do if my father is going to be saved.The indistinct sound is the voice of criticism.Think again, this is a women's ward, how could my father be in it.I can't believe what I see is real.I had to close my eyes and bear it, my ears were messed up, now that I think about it, this is probably a disorder.I opened my mouth as much as I could, but for some reason there was no sound.

When I woke up again, someone came to ask me the case, but I can't remember what I said. When I woke up fully, I heard that my mother also jumped off the building.She was following me, and as soon as I went, she went down.Later, the court told me the process, saying that your father died on the spot, and your mother, please save us.I cried as soon as I heard it, crying for my father's death, and crying for my mother.I fell like this, how could she fall like this at such an old age, and she is also disabled after resuscitation.When the "Cultural Revolution" was over and I was released from prison, my sister-in-law told me that my mother didn't die when she fell, and she wasn't treated at all when she was taken to the hospital.You know that those with bad family backgrounds could not be hospitalized at that time.The hospital also organizes patients with good backgrounds to criticize patients with bad backgrounds.As for me, I was punished only when I was legally responsible.My mother got it home and died within a few days.My father died instantly.Cremated a week later.

My sister-in-law said that my mother and I were picked up at the hospital. The hospital saw that there was nothing wrong with my mother, so they kept me and forced the family to pick up my mother. The hospital couldn't treat people like me, so they quickly transferred me to the prison's "Freshman Hospital".I had fractures in both legs, the left tibia was fractured, and the right femur was fractured, completely broken.Just this leg, after being broken, the two bones were forked together, and it became so short immediately that the hospital pulled it away with 20 catties of sandbags.But when they sent me to the prison, the hospital insisted on keeping the thing that was pulling me, and put back my bones, as if I had broken a bone again.Isn't it just more than 20 catties of sandbags, at least let me put them away first, no, the bones that were forced to be put down have been forked back.The hospital is really enough for me.That doctor, I don’t know where he is now, but I hope he won’t be a doctor anymore, alas.At that time, the so-called painting me to treat, because I have to bear the legal responsibility.It's also strange that I don't feel pain at all when the broken bone is pulled back and forth like this, and I haven't felt pain at all.No tears, just like death.

When I got to the prison, I looked at my watch and it was eleven o'clock.At 2 o'clock in the afternoon, when the prison hospital went to work, they took the things back and took them back. They had to go in with an outline needle and then pull them.Take me really wrong.The traction was in the wrong place again, and it has been so long until now.The two bones are only connected by one-fifth.The joints hurt when touched.That's not to mention, it's disabled. Ten days later I was arrested and handcuffed.This is September 7, 1966.In 1968, when the military came under control, I was convicted of "resistance movement homicide". Homicide is a criminal offense, and resistance movement is a political crime, which is even more serious, so I was sentenced to "life imprisonment".I thought at the time, the death penalty would be nice, wouldn't that make me suffer? Here's my Judgment, you see-- Defendant XXX was born in a bourgeois family and was not reformed after liberation.During the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, Jing dared to actively make suggestions, committed suicide to resist the movement, and personally killed ×××, and then committed suicide in fear of crime.The nature is serious, the circumstances are bad, and the evidence is conclusive.In order to consolidate the dictatorship of the proletariat and safeguard the smooth progress of the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, this court makes the following judgment: Defendant ××× was sentenced to life imprisonment for the murder of the resistance movement. A person from the military control committee told me that it would be better if you were a housewife who did this.What do you not understand? Your father has a serious problem. You killed him just to make him avoid sports and save him.So you are sentenced to "resistance movement". They said that I killed my father to save my father.It was indeed to save my father.I keep thinking they don't mean what I say.I saved my father so that he would not be tortured again. They said that I was guilty of saving my father in order to torture him again.Is that what it means? I was so confused that I still can't figure it out to this day. I spent twelve and a half years in prison.Didn't commit suicide, just for one, because I always thought my mother didn't die.I thought, how can my mother live?It is agreed that the three of them will die together, my father will die, I will be imprisoned and sentenced to life imprisonment, and I will never see each other again... Every time my nephews come to visit the prison, they say, grandma is at home, grandma tells you to reform and strive for a commutation of sentence early go home.People who watch the prison sometimes ask me, how old is your mother? They also knew that my mother died long ago, and they didn't hide it from me.In fact, I look forward to my mother's death, how painful it is to live.At that time, if a letter was sent to me saying that she was dead, I would put my heart on the ground completely. People think differently in prison.Only by looking at this person and that person can we realize that there is such a corner of society where many people are wronged.What's more, I am different from them. I killed my own father with my own hands. I really want to atone for my father, and I want to try to come out to see my mother as soon as possible. Besides, I feel particularly guilty of my two elder brothers.My two older brothers and I are half-siblings.Everyone can see that we are not a mother, and they all regard us as brothers and sisters of the same mother.I killed my father, not only did they not hate me, but they often came to see me and give me food.Alas, every time I meet with them, my tears dry up and I feel so stupid. I don’t know what to say when I see them.I feel very sorry for the two brothers.They said, we understand you and know that you are not a bad boy, as long as your brother and sister-in-law are around, we will not ignore you.I really want to make amends, and I want to make amends for my two elder brothers. I want to make amends with my life!Only work hard to transform.The beginning is roll sewing.Electric sewing is not at all, just learn it first.Very quick and well done.Collar work is the most difficult job, ah, it is the facial work, technical work, I do the highest quality, so I do it, and it is overproduction.In addition, wall newspapers, blackboard newspapers, writing and drawing, are also vying to learn and do it, and they stretch out their hands to help people everywhere.In production, there are red flags and quotations.Now you look at my pair of glasses, guess how many degrees? Three hundred and five, that is, I was nearsighted when looking at the eye of a needle when I was doing work.In addition, I also see a doctor, not only for the prisoners, but also for the team leader, the team leader’s children, and even the relatives and friends in the prison, and the cadres in the factory.It is a great honor for people to trust you and not treat you as an enemy.Sleeping halfway through the night, whoever has a fever, whoever has a stomachache, goes crazy, screams for hours.What should I do the next day? I still have to go to work in winter.There is no day or night to play with your life.In this way, those people in the prison are good to me, and now sometimes they bring their children to our hospital to see me.Don't laugh, he gave us a friendly face at that time, which is better than anything else.Compliment me, how many days are beautiful. Here is something to remind you: I was arrested in the prison hospital on September 7, 1966.I was married at that time, and my lover was working in Beijing.I thought that the weather was getting colder every day, and he copied a lot of clothes and things from my house.In order not to implicate him, I wrote to him and told him to go through the divorce procedures, which will be completed by the end of September.But not long after, his sister suddenly came to give him 20 yuan and nutritional supplements.I asked someone to tell his sister not to send money or things.I had nothing at that time, so I kept five yuan, and asked one of the captains in charge of me to send the remaining fifteen yuan to my mother.At that time, didn't I know that my mother had died long ago?The captain was a demobilized soldier. At first he refused, but I cried and begged him. Later, he agreed and sent it for me.Afterwards, the older sister came to give another 30 yuan. There were five or six times before and after, and I remember that there was always 120 yuan. I followed the same method every time and asked the team leader to send it to my mother for me.But my family never replied to me. I thought they were in a bad mood and hated me.A year later, I was sentenced, and I was allowed to see my family members. Every time I met, I just wished Wanshou Wujiang good health and learned quotations, which took up half of the time. The rest of the time was just crying and not saying a few words.My family didn't mention the matter of my sending money, so it was hard for me to ask.It wasn't until I was released from prison in 1979 that I talked with my family members, and I realized that they never received the money I sent, not even once.For many years, I have always regarded the captain as a benefactor, so I don't understand.Maybe it was because the post office didn't deliver them. At that time, newspapers and letters were not delivered after door-to-door raids.But if you don't send it, you should return it! Needless to say, there are really good people in prison.A captain saw me as thin as a stick.I used to be fat, but after this incident, I dropped to about ninety catties.When my sister-in-law came to visit the prison, he secretly slipped a nutrition certificate.My sister-in-law brought two catties of dim sum again. I was anxious, thinking how good these two catties of dim sum would be for my mother and their children.Life outside is also difficult.When I was in prison, my pocket money was only 1.5 yuan a month.I haven't spent it, unless I buy some toilet paper soap, ah, toothpaste, a tube of toothpaste will last for several months.Save as much as you can, save five or ten yuan, and bring it home.How can I live without the warmth of my family? I am guilty of them. Under the circumstances, I tried my best to do my best, which can be regarded as a way of redemption. At that time, prisons also studied and criticized.I often criticize myself for resisting the "Cultural Revolution" and committing crimes.The person in charge of the prison asked me to speak in small groups.It’s good to criticize a group of people, sometimes I am pessimistic, and when it’s my turn to say that I have been educated by the party for so many years, I should trust the government and believe in policies.If you believe in the policy, won’t everything come to an end? I believe in the policy in a batch, and I am alive.Strive for outstanding performance, and come out early to repay the reward.Don't talk about it, you can work hard if you work hard.In 1972, my sentence was commuted to ten years.Changing life imprisonment to ten years is considered the most lenient.After a calculation, it will be released in 1982, and there is hope.After the end of the "Gang of Four", the court re-heard my case, thinking that I was persecuted by the "Cultural Revolution", which was not counted as homicide but collective suicide, and was declared innocent and released two and a half years earlier.The new Judgment reads: The original judgment of ××× for the crime of homicide by the resistance movement cannot be established, so the original judgment is revoked, and ××× is acquitted and released, and the judgment is hereby made. I was released from prison on March 2, 1979.When I first entered the prison, I only wore the hospital trousers and jacket, white cloth with blue vertical stripes.Later, my brother sent me a small box of old clothes from when I was in the rural medical team before the "Cultural Revolution" to the prison.I have been wearing those old clothes for ten years, and when I came out, I was in tatters.It was only when we met that I realized that my mother was long gone.What a blow to the head! I haven't collapsed for so many years, and my mother is my spiritual pillar.But as soon as I came out, my father was gone, my mother was gone, everything was over, I was really going to collapse. After I came back in March, I went back to work at the Children's Hospital on May Day.Two months off.Because there are so many relatives and friends who come to see me, and even if I am at home, I can’t sleep, my mind is full of things, do you think I can be quiet?Originally, the three of us wanted to die together, but I was the only one who survived.This taste is not good.Many people say that it is pretty good to survive.So many big leaders have lived and died with Chairman Mao, climbing snow-capped mountains and crossing grasslands, isn’t that the same as ruining their families? I don’t know how much worse than you, don’t they still stand up and sweat to survive? My unit treated me well. At that time, my house was still occupied by others, but it was not confirmed, so I was called to live in the dormitory of the hospital.I am a Muslim, and it is difficult to eat. My nephew rides a bicycle with a lunch box to deliver meals to me every day. It has been many years.As for me, the hospital called me "inpatient".Abiding by the rules of the hospital, you have to do "departmental hospitalization" before you can be promoted to attending doctor.Anyway, I have no home and no other burdens, so grab the time to study!You are not allowed to study professional books in the prison, and now you study more, make up for it!Picked up quickly.I am in charge of eight wards.Run up and down from the first floor to the fifth floor.7:30 in the morning, 9:30 in the evening, 14 hours a day.One day on the night shift, I accidentally felt like stepping on cotton with my feet. I measured a high pressure of 180 and a low pressure of 100.I said give me a shot.Magnesium sulfate lowers blood pressure the fastest, and after half an hour of taking it, the measurement not only does not go down, but changes to 200.I went from ward to ward, and none of the nurses came to see me. This is what they agreed with each other, lest I get tired again.These people sympathize with me and respect me.Alas, what are we talking about? Let's work harder!Originally, the "hospitalization" would take a year, but I was promoted to attending in more than half a year. At this time, I made a friend.Graduated from East China Textile Institute.At the beginning, he was young and promising, and a chief engineer paid special attention to him.During the Anti-Rightist Movement, the chief engineer became a rightist, and asked him to expose, but he did not expose, but instead wrote to the chief engineer.He said we can't act with conscience.This time he was also treated as a rightist.He thought he was rightist.This time he was rehabilitated, and he took off his rightist hat. People looked at his files and said, you have been wronged, you are not a rightist, you have been a "rightist" for more than 20 years in a daze!No promotion, no salary increase, and no marriage.What is this called?He is in his fifties, has been single, and we got married.We both had a common experience, so to speak, he took good care of me and comforted each other! My second brother adopted his son to me, and now he is studying foreign languages ​​at Peking University.Recently, my wife was promoted to be the director of the factory.I have a home that needs everything. But so far I still can't think about it.I can't help myself.Although I don't think about it every day, I won't forget it.I always miss my dad.People in our hospital said, "You don't even dare to trample an ant to death, so why did you do it all of a sudden? At that time, he was driving people so inhumanely."Who would kill his father with a knife!You wouldn't even think about it normally, would you? I also owe my mother a debt that I will never be able to repay.If I hadn't done it at that time, my father and mother would have lived to see today.Don’t blame me, who do I blame? No matter how I try to find reasons to comfort myself, it’s useless.I couldn't figure it out, did I harm my father or save my father? At first I thought I saved my father, but now I always feel that I have harmed my father.Why can I understand other things, but I can't understand this matter over and over again.Think this way for a while, think that way for a while.You said that everything was done by the "Gang of Four", so why did others come over here? We didn't, and it wasn't me? When I think about it, I'm still guilty, and life is boring again.Some people say that if you live well, you can be worthy of your parents.Think about it, that's right, right? I can't go on talking, and you don't ask me to talk, okay? *In the era of extinction of humanity, the highest expression of humanity is to destroy oneself*