Chapter 4 great victims

In 1969, a 17-year-old male, Deputy Company Commander of a Company of a Regiment of a Vegetable Farm in H Province In 1969, he was the first to sign up to support the border—be a cadre and take the lead in enduring hardships—a very revolutionary letter from home—sister was raped in the countryside—endured the humiliation and finally joined the party—wrote a blood letter and vowed to stay on the frontier farm—79 years Educated Youth Returning to the City Last to Leave--Today's Meditation I am thirty-four years old. I was fourteen when the "Cultural Revolution" started and twenty-four when it ended.You may think that I am not like some people whose head was covered with gray hair after the "Cultural Revolution";I'm pretty good, aren't I!However, even if I live to be seventy years old, I will still think that these ten years are my whole life.

If I want to speak fully, the experience of not being able to be small enough for a few days or nights is particularly concentrated, okay? Let me focus on my experience in the branch of Heilongjiang.I was in school before, and even though I had a lot of feelings, so what? When I came to Heilongjiang with me, and once I got involved in the society, the weight of this ratio was much lower.Living in society - this is my experience.I like literature, literature teaches me to understand others and myself, understand society and life.But I also hate literature. It makes me understand too much, and the burden on my heart is even heavier.

I always think, why does the period of going to the countryside occupy a special and important position for me or our generation? It is not a simple labor, it is a unique process of going to the countryside in the specific historical background of the "Cultural Revolution". In sports, our destiny is related to society, politics, economy and culture.Although each of us has experienced completely different ups and downs, each of us can also represent the growth experience of this generation.Can it be said this way? Not too much, right? This is also my experience. I am a student of class 68.The "Cultural Revolution" caught up in the first grade of junior high school.At that time, I was quite sensible, but I didn’t understand anything at all.

I was born in an ordinary worker's family.My father died of tuberculosis before liberation, and the boss kicked him out.Thanks to Liberation, the state paid for him to be sent to the hospital for treatment.It is true that the new society gave him a second life.My mother's family is relatively well-off, and her former husband died of illness.After liberation, my father and mother both worked in the sewing cooperatives run by the streets.My dad can read and teach culture.My mother taught sewing skills and tutored women who had just left the house to learn how to work.During this time they had a relationship.My uncle is a capitalist, thinks my father is poor, and strongly opposes my mother's remarriage.My mother combined with my father according to her own will.My husband gave birth to me and later my sister; life is hard enough.My uncle lived in a large courtyard in Jiebei.When my mother went to visit, his family was always wary, afraid of asking them to borrow money.They have never helped us for so many years.When our children go to play, his family always thinks that we poor children are going to steal something, and finds a way to kick us out.

When the "Cultural Revolution" came, my uncle, a capitalist, was undoubtedly copied as a monster.Life is very difficult, and he is used to eating and drinking again; my mother spends a few dollars every month to send it over.Although I was young at that time, I had a deep impression on the principles of life; now that I have some understanding of the state of the world, I respect my parents very much.They are both very kind and kind people. Do you think, according to my situation, will I still have emotional problems with the party, the new society and Chairman Mao? Things are not that simple. When the "Cultural Revolution" started, the students all wanted to join the Red Guards, but it is said that my grandpa has a problem—what's the problem?In retrospect, you will find it ridiculous.But at that time, I could only join the "Red Periphery", which was an object of solidarity.At that time, the Red Guards were divided into three classes. The first-class citizens were Maoist Red Guards, who were higher than their children; Children who are not of the five black categories, join the Mao Zedong Thought Red Periphery.My self-esteem was bruised, and I felt that my love for the party and Chairman Mao was no different from others; but ah, there is a difference in status, and you are not allowed to participate in some activities.For example, criticizing meetings, ransacking homes, and important political activities, you must never go to them. This stimulates me a lot.I used to be the squad leader, but now I can't do it all of a sudden.I held back all my strength to show my daring.

In 1969, there was a call to go to the mountains and go to the countryside. I was the first to sign up, and I was the first to post a Daewoo newspaper requesting to go to the most difficult place in Inner Mongolia.At that time, there were two destinations. Heilongjiang was a farm and was treated as an employee; Inner Mongolia was considered a farmer by jumping in the queue.I just want to show that my "red periphery" is not less enlightened than yours.Our family also supports me to go.There was no sense of being forced.A young man should unite with workers, peasants and soldiers, the chairman called for it!The idea is so clear and firm.Now I am afraid it is said to be simple and ridiculous.

With my statement, the momentum rose, and many people signed up one after another.The school is also very good. For me, who actively signed up, I was assigned to Heilongjiang instead. Maybe it was a kind of reward, maybe it was a strategy, so that others would scramble to sign up.When forming a company, more than 120 students from our three junior high school classes and three high school classes formed a company and were assigned to a farm.I will not mention the name of the farm.Let me be the deputy company commander, not only because I actively signed up, but also because I have been a squad leader and have a little organizational ability, no matter whether I write or talk, it also has something to do with it. I set out on August 16th, but on the night of the 15th, I suddenly developed a fever and had an injection for a skin test. The doctor didn't expect me to have any reaction, and immediately went into shock, and my blood pressure dropped to 20. I almost died.For penicillin, it should be said that the safety factor of the skin test is very high. I am afraid that none of the tens of thousands of people will be in danger. If I encounter it, I will rescue it quickly and I will be alive.People from the school and the farm looked at me and asked me if I could leave. I said yes, and I walked on a stretcher. That was my attitude at the time.The next day, on the afternoon of August 16, I asked my family to help me onto the train. My head was burning, and I had an injection with medicine.

Going to the countryside at that time was completely different from later. It was voluntary, but it was forced later.I seldom cry, but I remember that scene clearly, the whole station was full of people, beating gongs and drums to send off.Of course there were also tears.But heh, there is no feeling of distribution.Parting from loved ones is an inevitable feeling.The students in the car helped each other enthusiastically. At this time, there was no distinction between "ideological soldiers", "ideological soldiers", and "red periphery".Singing the songs of quotations, singing along the way, and reciting the quotations in unison constantly. The people in the carriage were very active, singing and jumping.Most people take the train for the first time in their lives.Looking at the natural mountains and rivers of the motherland along the way is very refreshing, and I feel that this is the only way for educated youth.Just this thought.

When we arrived in the Great Northern Wilderness, the first problem we faced was that the labor was too hard.The first real and direct challenge, the real challenge is life.He seldom eats fine grains, but eats the so-called corn dregs; occasionally white noodles are served, but very rarely.There is also a rationed supply, 30 catties per month. The labor intensity is too high, and there is not enough to eat. Sometimes when I am hungry, I go to the stables and cattle pens to steal bean cakes to feed the animals.Our great young man eats a lot of work, and can lose two catties in one meal.The more hungry you are, the more tired you will be from work, the more tired you will be, the hungrier you will be, the more hungry you will be, the less full you will be, a vicious circle.I have to get up at three or four every morning and work until dark at night.This farm is a paddy field farm with a very low degree of mechanization. From knocking over the ground to sowing and then harvesting, it is completely dependent on people, and people are machines.The Northeast will be ready for farming in May, and the land will be prepared first.At that time, I had to wear a pair of shorts and a padded jacket on top. Don’t look at the ice on the top, there is only a layer of water, more than ten centimeters, and the bottom is covered with mud and ice.I don't know if it was iced or cold water.The icy water splashed on my legs, and when the wind blew, they were so cold that they all cracked into small holes, which hurt so much.One year when I came home after the spring sowing, my mother cried for the first time because there were small cracks all over her lower body, everywhere.We do not allow female comrades to enter the water, and male comrades are not allowed to wear boots when sowing, for fear of stepping on the ground, they can only barefoot.At this time, everyone was scared, and we, the platoon and company commanders, were the only ones to take the lead.I couldn't stand it for a while, so I went up and had a few sips of wine before going down.Now I wonder what I thought then.The day before yesterday I dug out a letter from that time.When you look at it, you can see what happened to us at that time.Here is a letter from me to my father, a letter from home, of course--

I wish Chairman Mao a long life without borders Dad: Hello! I have received your letter and I know all about it.Below I would like to exchange some of my personal thoughts with you. If it is inappropriate, I hope to criticize and correct it.At the Tenth Plenary Session of the Eighth Central Committee of the Party, the great leader Chairman Mao wisely pointed out, based on the Marxist-Leninist theory about classes and class struggle, that in the transitional period of the entire socialist society, there is still a long-term existence of the Four; The issue of the line must be discussed every year, every month, and every day.What Dad mentioned in his letter is also a reflection of the line struggle. It is precisely because of this continuous line struggle that our party is full of vigor and vitality, and it promotes party building and the advancement of history.Chairman Mao said: "The phenomenon of temporary retreat cannot replace the general historical law." For some unhealthy tendencies such as bourgeois partisanship, my father must not only fight resolutely, but also be mentally prepared for long-term struggle, and stand tall. Some, see farther.Chairman Mao taught us that we should trust the masses to believe in the Party. I think my father should closely rely on the Party organization, consciously accept the Party’s leadership and education, and report the actual problems to the higher-level Party organization truthfully and without adding any water.Dad, in order to defend Chairman Mao's revolutionary line, we must give up everything. Chairman Mao's revolutionary line will definitely win!In addition, the new reform committee of our province has been established.The central government directly arrested Heilongjiang, uncovered XX, liquidated his heinous crimes, and launched a movement to resist and rectify the wind. The revolutionary situation is very good.So-and-so has four major crimes: 1.Shameless traitor; 2.The loyal lackey of the Kuomintang; 3.Counter-revolutionary revisionists; 4.The chief culprit of the anti-party usurper.My organizational issues have now started a political review, and the branch secretary and other members have talked to me many times to help me.I am now strengthening my understanding of the party, strengthening my study, and trying to join the party ideologically.There are many intellectuals in the company, so there are many problems.I will continue to strengthen ideological remolding, and strive to train myself to be a person who can put Chairman Mao at ease.Hope daddy take care of yourself!Long live the victory of Chairman Mao's revolutionary line!Son: ××70.9.15 The things I entrusted to my classmates have been received.The big autumn has arrived, and we are busy, and the weather is getting colder.

Look at the letter, it's strange, isn't it? That's how we all wrote letters back then.All of our classmates are.This is not for others to read, but for my relatives to read. Everything is revolutionary, that's all. I never thought this would happen to me-- My sister was raped. This is the biggest blow I've ever had in my life.My mother still doesn't know about this.My brother-in-law... Anyway, try to avoid it when you write about it.Don't ask them to guess.My mother now knows that it is enough for her to choke.This is also the biggest secret that is kept in my heart. It was the winter of 1970.The company began to take turns to go back to visit relatives.I didn't move, I have to take care of a lot of things in production and life of the whole company; I am a cadre, and I have to be stricter on myself ideologically, so that others can make decisions first.At this time, my father suddenly sent a letter.My younger sister went to the countryside in 1969. She was too young. In order to be closer to her family and take care of her, she went to Hebei Province...not to mention any county or commune.I read my father's letter and it was a bolt from the blue, saying that my sister had been raped by an accountant in the brigade not long ago.My younger sister was very active at the time, and was rated as an activist in the county to study "Mao Zhuo". We often corresponded with each other and encouraged each other.This time my whole portrait was torn apart.Immediately, I thought of how my sister is now, how pitiful and pitiful she is! I didn't want others to know, and I didn't dare to cry, so I cried secretly in the dark at night.I'm really afraid that she will commit suicide!Let's be honest, a girl, not yet sixteen years old.Although I was vague and half-understanding about men and women at that time, but ah, I could imagine that this was ruining her.I decided to take a leave of absence to go home, one is to see my parents; the other is mainly to see my sister in a hurry.I know, my sister needs me very much now! At that time, I made up my mind to bring my sister to me.Before leaving, I told the person in charge of the Farm Revolutionary Committee about this matter, and took a letter to him to see that the leader was pretty good, and expressed sympathy on the spot, saying that as long as they were released there, we would handle it.I still have a head in my heart. When I got home, I went to see my sister with my father, of course I went without telling my mother.My mother is not in good health, and she knew that something must happen. Dad told me about my sister's situation in detail. What's going on? She lives in a small house by herself, very close to the accountant of the brigade. The accountant is in her thirties and has a wife and children.The first time I broke in at night, my sister resisted, she couldn't stand against such a strong man.Afterwards, my sister did not dare to speak up.I understand that she is so young, lonely, and has no relatives around her, so how can she know what to do? She also has the thought of dying, and she feels that she will die in such a way that her family members don't know what to do. Yes!But after a few days, I went again, the accountant, after the second time, my sister really had no choice but to go to the commune to talk to the leader.The commune informed my father, and my father had no roots in his heart, so he wrote to sue me. Seeing my younger sister—it’s really sad now, and it was even more sad then, so I especially advise my younger sister not to commit suicide, and I don’t blame us for this matter. At that time, my younger sister was staying at the home of the Director of the Women's Federation, and she was lying there, hugging her head and crying when she saw me.My sister is too young, just turned fifteen!I'm going to do my best, one-on-one with him, and let no one do the work.My father held me tight.I went to the commune and demanded that he be severely punished, and the commune leader agreed.I took my younger sister home, and of course told her not to let our mother know.I said: "I will definitely take you away. I will do it for you when I get back. Our leader has agreed. Don't think about it when you are at home. If you want to do something, you will be sorry for me." Alas, my sister is only fifteen , It was like that at the time, don't mention it.A few days later, I went to the commune to inquire about my sister's transfer procedures, and asked to deal with the accountant again.In fact, it didn't move him at all.In the countryside, accountants hold financial power, just like brigade cadres; those emperors!As far as I know, it has not been dealt with today.You said to look for it again today? Hey, it's even more useless!It's been more than ten years, how many copies of the imperial calendar have been changed! When I got home this time, I stayed for a total of ten days. I didn’t spend a day at home, got a broken bicycle, and visited more than a hundred men and women in our company.Sometimes when I find someone else, I go to work and no one is there, so I go again.I'm the team leader, right?I just want to limit the family to introduce the situation, so that the family can rest assured.We are all quite young, so far away from home, who can rest assured.My mother loves me very much and complains that she can't see her son every day.But heh, I have the responsibility to do this, especially when I see my sister, I think of other people's homes. The younger sister couldn't eat at home, and she yelled every night when she slept; she was extremely thin and her face was pale.My mother also saw that something was wrong, but she never thought of going there.We are coaxing it anyway!Later, I took my younger sister to my place.I thought she would be at ease when she came to me.But heh, I don't know how to slowly spread a lot of rumors.It was passed around that my sister had a problem with her style, and she did it because she couldn't stay.Whether it came from the person who organized the transfer, I can't say.It would be fine if people knew the truth, but I can't tell the truth if it is spread like this, the more it is described, the darker it becomes.Especially the lesbians looked at my sister out of the corners of their eyes, and gradually my sister noticed it too.I can’t justify it, I can only work twice as hard, strictly demanding myself in all aspects, and running ahead in work and study. If someone else cuts an acre of wheat, she can’t be rated as advanced if she cuts an acre and a half of wheat.Every time I failed to join the group, the lesbians just didn't raise their hands, and they always vaguely thought that she was a bad woman, and she came here only because of her style of work.Someone also asked the organization to investigate her history.The organization knew her situation but dared not speak up.I was afraid that my sister's face would have no place to put her face.How can there be no contradictions in life? People throw out irritating words about trivial matters, such as "you don't clean up something", "what changed", "skin is thicker than a steel plate", and other such words.Sometimes my sister would come to see me at night, wandering in the potholes and wild fields, crying all the time.I didn't expect this pressure to appear in a different environment.I wanted to cry too, but I held back my tears.I am responsible for her when I am away from my parents. If I cry again, will I harm her? I will encourage her.Tell her, our dad, who had no parents in his teens, dragged his younger siblings through so much hardship, and our eldest aunt was almost tricked into going to a brothel.Anything can happen in life, but we have to live!What's more, we are better than many people, and much better than those who jumped in line. In the future, comrades' impressions will gradually change as they get in touch.I did the work again and again, and it still worked, and my sister gradually became stronger.In particular, I am very serious, principled, and often offend people. I am not an impeccable person.Some people always throw some nasty gossip.My sister and I are especially sensitive due to this particular situation.I have never taken care of my sister in terms of labor - I always feel that it is not harmful for people to suffer a little bit - even if I am a cadre, I can't do that.I asked my sister to do a little more than others.The younger sister knew it in her heart and did it all.I'm grateful for her, really. Some high school female students gradually tasted the character of my brother and sister, and no longer believed in the legends outside.They told me that my younger sister often yelled in the middle of the night, terrifying the female classmates and waking them up.Although they didn't know anything, they vaguely sensed something and took the initiative to take care of my sister in all aspects.My sister's problem lasted for about two or three years. Fortunately, we all survived.He did a particularly outstanding job. He joined the party one after another, and was later selected to work in a government agency. At that time, when girls went to the countryside, I dare say that there were not ten or eight of them, but tens of thousands of them.Later, in the later period of going to the countryside, I worked in the organization department of the farm, responsible for discipline inspection and policy implementation, and I came into contact with a large number of case files.It was found that many farm cadres, who had power, bullied female educated youths; there were also many briefing documents dealing with these matters.The head of the 16th regiment was shot, and he raped dozens of female educated youths by himself.Each farm is not two or three, there are more than one hundred farms in Heilongjiang.At that time, there were 20 million educated youths who went to the countryside in the whole country, and female educated youths accounted for half of them, 10 million.Many female educated youths will not speak even if they are insulted.I'm not relying on inference.When the review was held in 1977, an old farm cadre asked for a review of his problem.What's the problem? They were also expelled from the party for raping female educated youths.This female educated youth client has already gone to other places to go to college.The organization department sent people to transfer to find the female college student to check, but she didn't expect her to admit it at all.In fact, according to the interrogation records at that time, the materials were processed, and many details are true.She didn't want to take this matter to the university.The veteran cadre probably also grasped this mentality, so he fell out and overturned the case.If it is undocumented, we will not be able to handle it... so I dare say thousands of them. Of course, it is not surprising that such things happen anytime and anywhere.But, if we do not make mistakes in policy, it is not because of the "Cultural Revolution", but for political and economic reasons, so many educated youths were sent to the countryside to create conditions for those villains who indulged in sex. I think many female educated youths can be spared the tragic experience.Those female educated youths, at that time, I saw a lot, so I don't want to mention it anymore. Our generation has paid too high a price.But heh, I think there are still gains and losses in going to the mountains and the countryside.It just costs too much, right? Why am I still so positive about life now? It’s because I’ve gained something in this period of life—what a difficult life—real, tangible. A lot of land in the Great Northern Wilderness was reclaimed by us.Yes, when it comes to this, I am a little proud.It's still a wasteland when we go there.The newly built site has nothing but wasteland, with no edge to be seen at a glance.Eighty percent of the people on the farm are young people, and very few are demobilized soldiers and their families in the 1950s.We are a major force in the Great Northern Wilderness.Of course, the older generation laid a foundation for painting.Indeed, no matter how hard and tiring spring is, in autumn, when the wheat is ripe, the grain is available, the watermelons are growing, and the pigs are fattening up, we are very happy in our hearts.So this youth is not completely lost, it is indeed valuable, right! Many of my comrades-in-arms did not come back and lost their lives.There are many reasons, some died in firefighting, and some were killed by bad guys.It's all about the comrades around me.An educated youth in Shanghai and I received an order at the same time that a villain was destroying the farm and we were asked to hunt it down.In the dark night, we found out and forced him to the river.The Shanghai educated youth blocked him, and he jumped into the river when he saw no other way.At that time in April, the river had just thawed, and there were still flakes of ice floating on the surface of the water. This educated youth from Shanghai also jumped into it. Before he could take off his cotton jacket, he sank while swimming.The bad man also drowned.I will never forget this fight.Can you say that the death of this educated youth is worthless? He did it to defend our country. There are a lot of forests here.It is difficult to see in the Central Plains area, with a radius of hundreds of miles, and it is easy to catch fire every spring and autumn.Most of them are caused by inadvertent use of fire, picnics, smoking, or automobiles, and some spontaneous combustion.As soon as it caught fire, we ran to save it.Ah, when the fire was rescued, there were burns and injuries.Once a fire broke out in the dormitory, and an educated youth died while fighting the fire.We slept together the night before, talking and laughing.Fang Tuo fell and "bang" and was killed. People who were bitten by dogs died of rabies, and other diseases.Their ashes are left there, and of course their lives are left there too. Thinking about them, our generation of youth really has something to praise.This isn't fiction, it's all facts, facts around you.I saw it with my own eyes.Some writers say "wilderness testifies" and "white woods testify", no need, no need, I can testify. Then there is that I have progressed into the party.I joined the party and filled out the form three times before it was approved.Before that, many ordinary soldiers had solved the problem of joining the party.It is because of my grandfather's problem I mentioned at the beginning.In order to thank the party for saving his life, my father doubled his work to repay the party; he wanted to join the party because he failed the political review.Mainly my grandfather's death was not confirmed. My grandfather used to be a tax collector in a small town in Yunnan. Once he accompanied the director of the tax office to the provincial capital to do business. Halfway along the road, he was shot by an armed smuggler and shot him in the leg. He bled to death.After liberation, for my father's joining the party, the organization asked my grandmother (my grandfather's mother) to investigate my grandfather's situation.The old lady was still old-fashioned, afraid that people would think my family was poor, so she said, "My son earns hundreds of dollars a month, and he is a superintendent there, so rich!" The organization didn't believe it, saying that your son earned so much money, Why was your grandson (my father) so sick before liberation? The old lady couldn’t answer.Now my grandfather's status is no longer legal, and the organization has no money to go to Yunnan to investigate for an ordinary person, and it has become an unsolved case.It has been affecting me to join the Red Guards and join the party.It was very left at that time, so I went to the farm party committee and asked my grandfather what counted.He replied: "You said that your grandfather was killed by armed smugglers. What if the Red Army guerrillas were led by the Communist Party? We must be responsible to the party!" In fact, I have never even seen my grandfather.My grandfather died when my father was fifteen. I don't care if they ask me to join the party or not, I will still do it.Some educated youths have been floating in their minds, always thinking about returning to the city.In fact, in the first year of going to the mountains and going to the countryside, Gao Gao's children joined the army through their parents' ways, and they all left in different ways. This is the first group.The second batch has various channels, such as selection and transfer, and special hardship; there are also some who go to the third line, and many of them have been ordered one after another.I want to take root in the farm with all my heart, and I will bite my finger to write a blood book and won't leave.I have a material here, you see, at that time, the "Work Team Briefing", at that time some outstanding young people were called "excellent team members of the XX style". ×× is my name.In the end, the secretary of the party committee made the decision, and he said that I will be responsible for any problems in this matter.I joined the party.I will never forget this secretary. After I left there, he was transferred to the bureau as the director.This veteran cadre still has "roots" in his heart. Criticism during the "Cultural Revolution" caused three ribs to be broken. It is really difficult for educated youth to return to the city, especially those who have no way out.Seeing people leave one by one, what should I do?What do lesbians think? They pin their fate on the marriage relationship.Getting engaged to a person in a big city, and then applying for a household registration, there is no love at all.Gay men are even more desperate, and their mental state is even more unspeakable.If there is nothing wrong, look for a disease, swallow nails, eat coins and then see through, there may be shadows.Or break your hand, blood drips in the stool, or put some egg white in the urine, and then test it, and see a few plus signs; to be honest, it has reached the level of crazy destruction. I remember a young woman who was engaged to a male worker in Beidagang.It is scheduled to go back to meet on May Day, and the family members have been contacted.Almost all the more than 100 members of the Spring Festival company went back to celebrate the New Year.I didn't go.There are more than a thousand pigs, hundreds of sheep, dozens of horses and cattle, and many facilities need to be watched.The young woman didn't go back either, so she saved a few more days off to rest together on May Day.She loves cleanliness very much. She washes the quilt in the dormitory. She wears thin clothes.Even taking ribicocin for several days did not suppress her high fever, so we were in a hurry and sent her to the hospital.At that time, it was several tens of miles to the farm, and the laboratory test caught up with the power outage; then sent to the county, back and forth for a week, the hematopoietic function has been destroyed, aplastic anemia.I am an instructor, leading two young men and two young women, and taking care of five people.This disease requires constant blood transfusions.I decided that lesbians should not get blood transfusions, we have a male test; I and another young man are O-type, but this young man is a bit embarrassed.I said I'll lose. After losing 400 CC blood, her face turned red when it was over.It turned out to be yellow-green, and immediately became energetic.All day I just squat in the hallway.The doctor said to her, "Your boyfriend is really interesting." She said, "That's our instructor, not a friend." The doctor was so moved that he insisted on opening a hospital bed for me to sleep in.For nine days and nine nights we have no eye.After she died, she was cremated in Harbin.When I went back after dealing with the matter, people saw me and said, "Why do you look like this?" It was like being released from prison.Before dying, this lesbian held my hand and refused to let me leave.At this time, her sister and brother-in-law rushed over after receiving the telegram, and they were not allowed to enter during the rescue.She has conflicts with her sister and brother-in-law.But he dragged me and said don't let me go, always looking at me, just crying.At that time, I could no longer speak, but I was still awake.I also burst into tears.We have no relationship at all, just like brothers and sisters.My only thought at the time was how to bring her alive.I think we are suffering enough. She is sick and cannot see her parents. I watched her; I saw her stop breathing.In Harbin, I was holding the magnetic basin containing the ashes, and it was still hot. I thought, no matter how much blood I draw, as long as she can live, it won't matter. Thousands of lesbians have followed this path.Even sacrificing one's love and human dignity and rights for a different way of life may not be good.Because there is no love on this road.Planting this seed will inevitably lead to bad results.This is also the tragedy of female educated youth! Their value is only a woman.Single gay men like us can only destroy ourselves, swallowing nails or something, I scolded when I saw it: "We can't do this! Why can't we survive!" When the educated youth returned to the city in 1979, I was the last one in the company to leave.I felt guilty when I left.I think I was still a deserter in the end, and I lost the battle in the end, but I still couldn't defeat myself and had to follow the crowd.My family told me to come back too; everyone has left, almost empty, and the dormitory is very deserted.The biggest stress at the time was loneliness.Especially since there was no one left, a large number of blind workers were recruited to work as temporary workers in Shandong, Hebei, and Henan. I took them to work, and it was not fun;I can't forget the day before I left, dozens of old farm workers saw me off, and I was carrying a handbag--there were only a few shabby clothes and a few old books in the bag.Get out of the barracks and cross the small bridge. Those people are like funeral mourners, crying "moo" behind.Some covered their faces and howled loudly.Although they are uneducated, ignorant, and rude, compared with the human relations in big cities, they are really cute!Those who sent me all the way, I heard them cry. After I came back, I couldn't eat for a long time, and I couldn't sleep well, as if I was dreaming.It is reasonable to say that when I return to my parents, I will be able to eat and live, but I feel empty and feel that I have lost a lot of things.Later, I felt that this should not be the case, and I had to start from scratch.People Well, where you have to start.In this way, the energy of active life will slowly recover.Didn’t I say that I like literature? In addition to working hard at work, in 1980 I took part-time classes in the literature class of the Cultural Palace for two years. In 1982, I went to TV University again.Graduated last year.The results are quite satisfactory.I don't want to brag, I have to do this, I'm going to lose myself.I study literature, have an ambition, and feel that I have the responsibility to represent our generation and myself.I will never be a household with ten thousand yuan, and it is impossible to leave any property to my son.If I can leave a book in my lifetime, my life will not be in vain. Those years made me sick.Joint pain often occurs, as well as stomach pain. Whenever it hurts, I just... endure it.I'm afraid I'll carry it with me for the rest of my life.My younger sister got married long ago, and I have never been able to tell her husband about that matter.If you don't say it, don't say it.It is not only this pain that is buried in our hearts.But hey, I think our generation is a great generation.This is not self-comfort.At that time, the "Cultural Revolution" brought the country's economy into such a state that it almost collapsed. If we don't continue, how much pressure will 20 million people put on the city.Although we were deceived and suffered, we supported the almost collapsed corner of the national building, right? It should be said that we are the ones who bear the consequences of the "Cultural Revolution", that is, our generation.But so far there has been no correct valuation of going to the countryside.I wrote a poem, the original manuscript is long gone, but I remember these two lines, probably: It withered prematurely when its branches and leaves should be flourishing, and its scarred torso supported a corner of the collapsed sky. I know this poem is childish.But it is my true thought, my belief, my strength. So I say, for our generation, what is lost is as precious as what is gained.We have not wasted our lives. We will not forget the Great Northern Wilderness.We left so much there and brought so much back from there.isn't it? ***It is not the sages who save disasters, but the people***