Chapter 3 price of worship

In 1967, a 21-year-old female graduated from a university in City B In 1967, a 25-year-old male, a cadre of the Writers Association of City B Asked Li Min to give Chairman Mao a birthday present—a painful choice between two kinds of worship—attended his criticism meeting for ten days in a row—crying with each other on the wedding night—he jumped from the window on the fifth floor --It turned out to be a revolutionary model play that saved my life--Escape from the clutches--Destruction of worship and worship of destruction Part 1: The Pain of Worship one I don't have much admiration for writers. Writers feel deep about themselves, but often write superficial things.For example, a writer wrote: Adoration is the most selfless emotion.I figured he admired no one at all.

Worship is to empty oneself out and give it to others.If people take it and throw it away, or lose it in their hands, what about you? You will only have an empty shell left, and the whole thing is over!Life is disposable.You are left forever like an empty cardboard box, irretrievably lost. Worship is the most risky thing in life, and you have to stake your life.Therefore, I don’t like reading very much, and I would rather believe in my own life experience than the fake deep thoughts of writers. Hey, did I offend you? What, am I right? Are you telling the truth? Anyway, I don’t care Whether you are true or not, I have something to tell you.

two The person I once admired most was: Mao Zedong. It’s not just me, you can ask our generation who he admired when he was 20 years old? Guaranteed to tell you with certainty——Mao Zedong! Let me give you a small example to illustrate how pure that kind of worship is: Mao Zedong's daughter Li Min was in the same class as me in college.December 26 is Mao Zedong's birthday.On the evening of the 23rd, we discussed with nine female students in the dormitory, asking Li Min what gift to paint Chairman Mao.Some said to weave a large scarf with the five characters "Long Live Chairman Mao" embroidered on it; some said to embroider a bouquet of flowers with colored silk threads, each embroidering one flower, and everyone chattered and their eyes lit up with excitement. , until after twelve o'clock, we still couldn't find a gift that could make us feel all the fire in our hearts.Worship is difficult to express adequately.

Li Min said: "Let's take a picture and write a letter to Dad." Everyone applauded together.Let Chairman Mao see each of us, and he will know what is going on with us! The next day after class, we slipped out of school one by one and gathered in the photo studio.In order not to make a big deal out of it and not to make things big, the more you keep secrets about happy things, the happier you will be.The photo studio does not take snapshots, but I heard that our photo was given to Chairman Mao, and it was developed the next day as if we had received a major political mission.Everyone asked me to draft a letter to Chairman Mao.This is the most difficult letter to write in my life. I spent a whole night writing a few sentences, and there are bad paper balls all over the floor.It wasn't until I gave the letter to Li Min that I remembered all the better and truer words.

A week later, Li Min came back and told us that Chairman Mao was very happy to see the photo, and pointed at me and said, this girl is not very old!According to Li Min, when Guo Moruo went to pay his respects to his birthday, Chairman Mao pressed the photo under the glass of his desk.What an extremely happy feeling! I really spend every day with his old man!He will see me every day! When I look at the portrait of Chairman Mao hanging on the blackboard in the classroom, I feel that his gentle and kind eyes are shining on me like the sun. What a spiritual strength! You don’t need to ask. Why is the academic performance always among the best?

three Another person I admired during this period is: him. When the socialist education movement was launched, we were all students sent to the No. 3 National Cotton Factory to study the history of the factory.Go write the history of the fortunes of capitalists and the history of blood and tears of workers, and strengthen the string of class struggle in your brain! He and I are not in the same school. I studied chemistry in the second year of Beijing Normal University, and he studied Chinese at Peking University. graduating class.He is not tall, dressed plain and tidy, and I get the impression that he is reliable, clear-headed, thin and refined, and in the eyes of me, a student of science and engineering, he is a bit of a literati.He is the leader of the history writing group of our factory, he doesn't speak much but is very considerate.In the evening, when everyone was writing something, he just felt a little bit hungry, so he quietly put the food he had prepared in front of him; when he felt a little free on weekends, he smiled and took out a stack of movie tickets, one for each person.He's like a natural big brother.I was very small and simple back then, and I was happy that he treated me like a little sister.But after finishing writing the history of the factory, he sent me back to school, and when he carried my luggage to the old man who put down his shoulders, he had a special look in his eyes, and suddenly said:

"Can I still see you?" I was quite surprised, and said foolishly: "Why can't we see you, just come here." Stupid me! This is who I was then. But even though I regarded the love I saw in the books as a charming but strange, distant, and irrelevant thing to me, for some reason, this person walked into my heart very freely step by step. From his conversation, I know he is poor.His family is in Nantong, northern Jiangsu, the old base of Chen Yi's New Fourth Army. His uncles were all old underground party members. His father was killed by the Japanese invaders, and his mother's widowhood brought him up with several brothers and sisters. He was the third child.From middle school to university, he relied on national bursaries, which cost nineteen yuan and six cents a month... His family history made me admire him very much.This family history not only made him highly valued, and he has been serving as an instructor of foreign students at Peking University, but also made him a natural ideal and image of a revolutionary youth.This is exactly what I was after.He showed me the "Graduate Volunteer Letter" he had filled out. It was an exciting oath!He wants to go to virgin forests, to remote mountain villages, to uninhabited frontiers and grasslands, to open up, to do a career, and to dedicate his life. I am really touched.I said silently in my heart, no matter where you go, I will follow you.

I really didn't expect that the place he was assigned was not one step away from me.When he told me that the place I was going to was "Wangfujing", I didn't know whether Wangfujing was in the southwest or the northwest.He laughed and said, "Where is Wangfujing except Beijing?" It turned out that his unit was the Chinese Writers Association in Wangfujing.The classmates all envied him, and later learned that such an important ideological department as the Writers Association can only send students like him who are politically reliable and excellent in business. In order not to let our relationship affect my studies, I set a rule for myself that I only meet once every half a month, and the place is always in Beihai.Whenever I go on a date, I listen to him almost the whole day.He knows so many things, I feel that my knowledge is increasing every time I meet him, and I imagine how fulfilling my life will be in the future.My political ideals and his image are all blended together vividly and vividly.I am often obsessed with my luck.

Four I passed the postgraduate examination in May of 1966, and my grades were quite good, so I was quite confident.The Cultural Revolution broke out in June, and the students went crazy, shouting "smash the postgraduate system" and brought the big copper basin of the American Church of the old Furen School to the court, throwing our postgraduate examination papers into it and burning it.I climbed on the window sill on the third floor of the dormitory building and looked down, just like watching farmers burn their land deeds during the land reform, and I thought it was over.The suddenness of this made me bewildered.Then the commotion became more and more fierce, and people from the school party committee began to be dragged out one by one to fight.

The fight on the Writers' Association side became even more fierce.Famous writers have all become black-line characters.Ordinary cadres are also involved in some problems, only he is politically clean, and the revolutionary mass organization still elects him as the leader, but perhaps because of his family and experience, he is relatively calm and still has the same gentleness.He said to me repeatedly: "Trust the party, stay close to the organization, pay attention to studying Chairman Mao's latest instructions, keep your eyes on the general direction, and don't follow suit." When I saw him, I immediately became quiet and clear.I think, with our purity and loyalty to the party, no matter how big the storm is, we will never capsize.

During the big series, I ran back to my hometown in Sichuan and told my family about me and him. My parents were very happy.My mother bought him a sweater, cotton wool trousers, socks, and Sichuan oranges, a specialty of my hometown. I packed a small box full of them. I got on the train and squeezed for three days and three nights. I went back to school in Beijing to wash and wash, and I carried the small box. Happy to find him.I can only imagine the smile on his face when he sees these presents from my parents. Fives In front of the dormitory building of the Writers Association, I ran into a classmate of his from Peking University.Usually when we meet, he is always very enthusiastic and always jokes, but this time he is unusually indifferent, he just said: "You are here!" and left.It gave me a feeling that something went wrong.Later I thought, thanks to having this feeling as a transition, otherwise I would never be able to accept the next scene.I knock on the door. As soon as he opened the door, he changed his appearance!It was like that—strange? Horrible? Miserable? Crazy? I can't describe it exactly, but it stimulated me so strongly that I still can't remember it.His hair was disheveled and his face was covered with horizontal lines. He burst into tears when he saw me! Then he handed me a mimeographed poster.I only saw: "Whoever opposes Chairman Mao will be defeated, and the counter-revolutionaries will be defeated!" This is him!I couldn't read other characters clearly, my hair was dizzy, my body was completely limp, and the suitcase fell to the ground with a "crack". After a while he explained the situation: When he was in college, he read Chairman Mao's works and poems, and added some sentimental comments on the eyebrows of the book. Most of them were from literary considerations. Note "poor" or "wrong".I didn't think much about it when I wrote it, and then I forgot about it.He told a colleague in the same room that he discovered it when he was looking for quotations from his Chairman Mao works, and it was published in the Writers Association.This was a remarkable thing at the time, and suddenly everyone boiled up... After listening to it, my mind was completely messed up.I just want to say: "How did you do such a thing!" I stared at him and hated him! Without even saying this, I suddenly picked up the suitcase and walked out of his dormitory resolutely-I'm going! He came out to see me off, helped me carry the box on his bicycle, and walked from the east city to the west city without talking.The extremely strong and reliable bridge connecting us was suddenly broken in the middle, and between the two banks was a raging torrent.I turned my back on the shore, what about him? He walked me to the school gate and said to me: "I committed this crime to Chairman Mao. I guess there is no hope. Although I like you, I am not qualified to love you anymore. Let's forget it, and we will no longer contact you. No matter where you will be assigned in the future, leave your address to My big brother from Nantong, can you..." He had never been so embarrassed in front of me. To be honest, I didn't listen to these few words. When I returned to the dormitory, I left the box and didn't get out of bed for three days.hate him!Why did he write these bastard words in Chairman Mao's works! This is what he usually told me-how the party cultivated him, how sincere his feelings for Chairman Mao are, and how to do revolutionary literary and artistic work with loyalty for the rest of his life- It doesn't match at all.I thought, did I tell him to lie? Fascinated? Is he really holding the red flag to oppose the red flag? I went through what he said to me in the past two years, recalled it carefully, and wondered whether there was any counter-revolutionary subtle influence on me. content, but can't figure it out.I am really in great pain. Could it be that I was deceived by him so truly and completely? No, I will go to his unit to attend his criticism meeting in person, listen to what others think of him, and find out his true colors! On the fourth day I got up and went to the Writers Guild. six There were two worships before me: One is for Chairman Mao, and the other is for him. To Chairman Mao is to worship an ideal idol and supreme; to him is to worship a living person with a blend of affection.However, the worship of him is based on the worship of Chairman Mao, and is included in the boundless worship of Chairman Mao.I am very clear about this relationship. Specifically, the worship of Chairman Mao is unconditional, but the worship of him is conditional.If he really opposed Chairman Mao, I had no choice but to resolutely separate from him.That's why I picked up the box and decided to leave his dormitory that day.But how can it be so easy to tear out a flesh-and-blood person from the heart? But how can I explain this unforgivable thing he did? seven The five-story building of the Writers Association seemed unattainable, with huge slogans hanging on the outer wall to knock him down.Immediately I was in a strange and overwhelming atmosphere.I boarded the meeting room on the fifth floor to attend his criticism meeting.For ten days in a row, I went every day.Some people in the Writers Association knew me, but they ignored me, but admired my dedication and devotion in seeking the truth.I sat quietly in the corner of the back row of the venue, listening carefully to every critic's speech, and carefully read all the big-character posters about him in the corridor.I found that there was nothing more than what he had told me.The critics are justified, but I am not convinced by the aggressive and aggressive rhetoric.On that occasion, I felt that only I was the most holy. After the denunciation, he was hung up and cleaned every day in the Writers Association.I never went to him.Because I can't judge him yet, even though this happened in his college days, and this is the only one, I still don't know his nature.Deep distress, confusion, and intense emotional conflicts and ideological struggles made it impossible for me to calm down for a moment.No one can help me solve this problem, and no one will solve it for me, so I decided to go to his hometown Nantong to see if his roots are the same as what he told me. Eight It just so happened that the "January Storm" happened, and the students all flocked to Shanghai to connect.I went to Shanghai with my classmates, and my aunt in Shanghai stayed behind because of illness. As soon as my classmates left, I bought a boat ticket to Nantong.According to the address he gave me, first find the commune where his hometown is located.I took out the letter of introduction from the "Northern Normal University Jinggangshan Red Guards" used in the big series, and said that I wanted to get to know someone.I didn't expect his family to be so famous in the local area.As soon as I mentioned his family, the commune cadres immediately said that his family was a revolutionary family. His father was killed by the Japanese invaders for advocating resistance to Japan, and his two uncles were both senior underground party members during the New Fourth Army period.Saying exactly what he told me was as printed on a block, and my heart was changed. His elder brother was teaching in the commune primary school. When I went to find him, I could tell at a glance that he was a simple and honest man. He was thinner than him, and his face shape, eyes and some movements were very similar.I didn't know who I should say, but my sister-in-law recognized me immediately, because my elder brother had a picture of me at home and was very affectionate to me.The feelings of the country people are real and there is no way to stop them. They can only be accepted warmly and moved.The next morning, my eldest brother took me to see his mother.To the land where he was born and raised.There are still more than forty miles from the commune to his hometown. His elder brother rode me on his back on the back of his bicycle, and we walked through the small trails in the middle of the paddy fields. My elder brother's driving skills are really superb. After driving through, I finally saw his house. . His mother probably heard the news in advance, and stood far away in front of several thatched houses waiting for me.I will never forget that scene for the rest of my life.His mother wore a small bun on her head, and was wearing a blue indanthrene jacket. Her ankles were exposed under her fat trousers. She had a pair of small feet, tall and thin, standing upright, and the wrinkles on her cheeks seemed to be carved.What should I call her? Before I could think about it, I couldn't help calling her: "Mom!" The old lady stretched out her two slender hands, trembling, and touched me from head to toe.I feel sorry for me! Of her five children, he is the only one who has made a fortune, and he went to a big city like Beijing to go to university and work... But how did she know that her son has become a counter-revolutionary? Of course I dare not say it. Check back. The old lady called his brothers and sisters from other places to kill a chicken.There is some news in the village like a gust of wind blowing all over in an instant. Men, women, children, children, and crutches all came to see me, "the daughter-in-law who has never been married came to the door by herself."There are hundreds of miles around here, and there are probably no female college students who have ever been to Beijing.Everyone watched, laughed, and asked questions because of me. At this time, I already felt that I belonged to his family.That night, his mother hugged me almost all night, talking endlessly about everything about him when he was a child. In his mother's mouth, every detail of the child was wrapped in strong emotions... Before I knew it, I couldn't believe such a "counter-revolutionary" like him.When we said goodbye the next day, his mother gave me a small bag of peanuts.I carried the bag back to Shanghai without stopping, and immediately returned to Beijing to find him.When I put this small homemade bag of peanuts in front of him, he was so smart that he guessed everything.He cried, feeling sorry for the miserable old mother who had dragged him into adulthood.He had never been so pitiful. In this way, I not only decided to resume the relationship with him, but also took a big step forward firmly, and we got married. This is December 1, 1967. My wedding night is not called wedding night, the whole night we hug each other and cry...   Nine After marriage, the school assigned me to Yanbei.But Shanxi Wudou couldn't report for work and stayed at home.His problem seems to have to wait for the "post-movement to solve".The Cultural Revolution seemed to have lost its way, becoming more and more endless, and I was at a loss for a while.One day, I went to the Faculty of the Academy of Sciences to read big-character posters, and it was Yang Chengwu who came up with the slogan "Big Tree, Special Tree Chairman Mao's Absolute Authority", and big slogans with this content were everywhere.I don't know why I always felt very nervous that day, as if something was going to happen.When I got home and waited until it was dark, I didn’t see him back. Suddenly the door opened with a bang, and two members of the rebel group escorted him in. One of them said to me: “We still need to check his books.” I took away all Chairman Mao’s works on the Internet, and said to me: “He won’t come back during this time, and he will hold his criticism meeting tomorrow morning.” After finishing speaking, he was taken away.I sat on the bed stupidly and didn't chase after him. I really felt a sense of imminent disaster this time.I really think it's over when he leaves.The cabin got big and empty, and I sat up all night until dawn to go to the Writers' Guild. I went up to the fifth floor and sat in the conference room to attend his criticism meeting.Because Yang Chengwu's speech was very extreme, the atmosphere of criticizing and fighting was different, and I was not as focused as before to confirm whether he was a "counter-revolutionary".I'm here to accompany him.I wanted to make him feel not alone when he saw me, and that I was bearing it with him... During the criticism meeting, the roaring shouts could not be heard at all, and my heart was in a mess.After the criticism was over, I was called to another room for a talk by the rebel group. They also called my classmates to do work for me.I made up my mind not to say a word. At this moment, I suddenly heard the noise of people in the corridor outside, and the footsteps were chaotic, as if something happened suddenly.A voice subconsciously sounded in my head: "It's broken! Jump off the building!" I couldn't help but suddenly jumped up from the sofa and wanted to rush out the door.Immediately, several people blocked the door and refused to let me out.No one told me anything, and I poked like a piece of wood as if I knew everything.About twenty minutes later, the criticism meeting in the conference room started again, but it turned into a denunciation meeting.The bursts of intensifying slogans became high and low, far and near, sometimes thunderous, and sometimes vaguely far away. At this time, I had no feeling, numb, my brain stopped completely, and I would not Cry, can't laugh, can't do anything. I saw a group of people coming in and talking around me, no one said it directly, those people in the Writers Association are so ghostly, everyone is afraid of driving me crazy, and everyone takes responsibility, and they do the work of enlightenment around the corner.I didn't respond, I saw many eyes looking directly at me, many mouths moving.I'm afraid this is a feeling when people are about to die. Instead of calling me home that day, they took me to the lover's house of an old writer.This woman draws a clear line from the old writer, she and a daughter are the only ones in the family, and the Writers Association even sent an additional female cadre to accompany me, probably for fear that something will happen to me.In fact, nothing will happen to me, because I don't understand anything like a fool.He can't think, he doesn't know the time, he doesn't even have the concept of whether he is dead or not, and he just feels that he is a physical body that is difficult to move. It was later learned that he jumped from the window on the fifth floor. His body was bloody and many bones were broken. It was very miserable.He came from a good background and has always been treated preferentially in politics. He couldn't bear this kind of discrimination and grievance, especially his self-esteem couldn't bear it, so he had to commit suicide.The Writers' Association telegraphed his brother to deal with the funeral, but his brother didn't want to see his body, fearing that he couldn't bear it.After the funeral was done, half a month had passed, and his brother came to see me. It was a strange feeling that day.I was in a state of confusion, and when I saw my eldest brother, I felt like I was suddenly stimulated. Half a month of trance was swept away, and all the details came together clearly. Coming back from the dead, I felt very excited, but suddenly rushed to hug my eldest brother and cried.It was clear to me that he was gone. The eldest brother seems to be much thinner, skinny, with big eyes, tears streaming down his eyes, and his eyes are the same.Suddenly I felt all the eyes he left for me superimposed on my elder brother's eyes. At this moment, I was considered lucky if I wasn't crazy; of course, if I was really crazy, I wouldn't have to endure the sins in the future... I have nothing left. I tore down the house, and sold all the furniture, pots, pans and chopsticks at a low price.He was a counter-revolutionary who committed suicide in fear of crime. He had no funeral expenses, and his eldest brother lived on his work points, and he had no travel expenses to return.I gave my elder brother half of the money and left with tears.At that time, I desperately wanted to get rid of, get rid of Beijing, get rid of the place where he died, get rid of all these things, and get rid of them as cleanly and quickly as possible.So I picked up my luggage and went to Yanbei, which I knew nothing about, alone. Next Part: The Reward of Worship ten The first lesson life taught me is: naivety is more stupid than stupid. After I arrived at the Yanbei Specialized Office in Datong to report, I knew that I was assigned to teach in the No. 1 Middle School of Shanyin County. I immediately said to a director in charge of the assignment: "Something happened to me, so I can't be a teacher." It's all said and done.This is also the result of my many years of education by the party - I can't lie to the organization when I have something to do. Only when I explain myself to the organization can I feel relaxed and calm.As I said in the morning, the air felt solidified in the afternoon.College students from all over the world who came to Yanbei to report looked at me as if they were some exotic animal.Some turned their faces away and chattered. I felt a sense of threat. I bowed my head and went back to the guest house. In the same room, a cheerful local woman in her thirties asked me: "Your lover died?" I asked in surprise. How did she know? She said that at noon, the director of the special agency called all the college students from all over the country to be assigned, saying that I was a dangerous person and asked everyone to be vigilant against me and pay attention to my actions.He took out all the words I reported to the organization. I didn't dare to go out of the house. I lay on the bed and looked up at the roof without eating, thinking that my life was over, I was only twenty-one years old! Early the next morning, I wanted to talk to the director again, but as soon as I left the gate of the hostel, a little girl screamed at me: "Counter-revolutionary! Counter-revolutionary! Little widow! Little widow!" This prompted me to leave the Yanbei Commissioner without saying goodbye.My head was hot and I bought a ticket to go to my sister's house in Xi'an.As soon as I saw my sister's standard party member face, I regretted that I shouldn't come.I just said that Shanxi Wudou had no place to report, so I came to see her.My sister went to work every day, and I just walked aimlessly on the streets until I spent all my money, standing in the middle of the crowd in Xi'an, thinking where should I go? Where is my parents in Sichuan? No, my father is Petroleum engineers are also being punished, and we cannot add our pain to them.I suddenly heard a sentence from his elder brother when he left Beijing: "Come when you really can't bear it. If we have a mouthful, you will have a mouthful." I sold the only valuable watch on my body, and bought a ticket to Nantong for seventy yuan.At the train station, I wrote a letter to my sister, putting everything that happened to me in an envelope and mailing it to her. Afterwards, my sister wrote a letter saying that she cried all night when she read the letter, and blamed me for not giving her the most needed comfort... eleven When I arrived at my elder brother's house, his mother was living there. She heard that I was coming, and ran out of the house. A long and thin lady with white hair fluttering all over her head and a pair of small feet took big steps, running In a hurry, he tripped and fell all over the ground.I rushed over to hug her, and the mother and I cried bitterly while clutching each other's backs.We have lost someone together, but at this moment it seems like we have lost twice as much. The eldest brother said: "If you are willing to be here, let's live together!" In this way, I lived in the countryside with my mother. As soon as he lived in the thatched huts where he was born and raised, he felt a sense of stability like a bird returning to its nest and a wanderer returning home.I think, wages, jobs, and the treatment of college students are all gone.Death also dies here.I work with the villagers every day, weeding and raking the fields to harvest wheat, and I don’t need work points.When I was with his mother, I often had the illusion that he was not dead, that I was him, and this illusion gave me great comfort.The folks are very close.They know things vaguely, but never ask me.I was like lying on the beach and basking in the sun after a life-and-death struggle in the violent wind and waves, surprisingly peaceful and infinitely relieved.Sometimes I look at the misty clouds and rainy trees in northern Jiangsu, the reflection of the light talk in the paddy fields, and the large tracts of bright yellow rapeseed flowers that are too thick to melt, and I will imagine him riding on the back of a buffalo in his childhood and playing in the field ridges as a teenager ... During this period, the Yanbei Commissioner found out that I was missing and asked me everywhere, making phone calls to Beijing, Xi'an, and Sichuan. Finally, when they found out that I was in Nantong, they urged me to go back letter after letter until an ultimatum was sent.I originally wanted to stick to my purpose and not go, but soon, the Cultural Revolution started in the countryside, especially after the "Six Articles of Public Security".One night, the eldest brother came from the commune by bicycle, and the village cadre told him: "Your brother and sister are family members of counter-revolutionaries who have fled. You will fight her tomorrow morning. Move her!" My mother got angry, her cheeks trembled and she said, "What are they going to do with her? Kill me first!" She refused to let me go. I thought, no way!At this time, his two uncles were labeled as "traitors", and the situation at home was not good.Besides, fighting people in the countryside is very wild, and they will strike with sticks at every turn.I was also afraid of going back to Yanbei, afraid of that director, afraid of those eyes.The whole world is forcing me, I have no way out, so I think of death.Just go to him!The most unhindered place to go is death.But I must not die in his house, I made up my mind, I said I would go back to Shanghai for a while, and my mother agreed. That night my elder brother carried me away on his bicycle. In order not to be seen by others, he walked around in the dark field and arrived at Nantong Wharf at dawn.When we broke up, my elder brother found out that I didn't bring anything with me, how could he know my determination to die forever.People originally came empty-handed and left empty-handed, needing nothing. I boarded the boat refreshed. twelve Only when a person is about to die, does he have a greater desire to live.When the boat sailed on the sea, I wandered on the slippery deck. The sky was very dark that day, and the fog was so thick that the boat could hardly get out. I couldn’t see the sea in the distance. The big shadow of the ship's whistle, and the seagull suddenly disappeared in the wet sea fog... The more there is no way out, the more I want to find a way out.I even hated my own cowardice in fear of suicide.When the thoughts of death became stronger and stronger, I suddenly heard a line from the model play "The White-haired Girl" played on the loudspeaker on the ship: "I, no, die! I - want to - Live!" Each word was pronounced sharply and clearly, which irritated me; it suddenly occurred to me that since the hairy girl suffered such a great humiliation, she still had to live while eating wild fruits in the deep mountains and jungles. Why did I have to die? These three words resounded all over my body: "I--want--live!" Although I don't know why I have to live, for the first time in my life, I was so inspired by the word "survive" itself.I was impulsive, excited, confused, and at a loss. I arrived at Shanghai Station in a daze.I was squeezed by the crowd and got off the boat, returned to Shanghai, and returned to the world. I, a victim of the Cultural Revolution, was saved by a model opera—this Cultural Revolution literary freak, how absurd! Do you worship?At this time, it was already a very vague thing for me. Thirteen After arriving at the Datong Special Administrative Office, as a punishment, they assigned me to be a teacher in O County, one of the most miserable places in Yanbei. County O is very closed.The more closed it is, the faster the news will spread.As soon as I got there, my story became almost a household name in the county.On the street, there are some people in rags pointing and talking about me.The Political Work Group of the County Military Control Committee said to me: "We have already studied your problem. You go to Dingjiayao Commune to teach middle school. Remember, you have to receive re-education from poor and lower-middle peasants. You are not allowed to talk or move. If you have something to go out, you must ask us for leave. . ” I no longer feel pressured by this kind of words, nodding numbly. The next day, I took a cart of Dingjiayao Supply and Marketing Cooperative to report to school.This kind of cart comes from Dingjiayao once every two days, bringing grass roots and agricultural products dug by the mountain people, and bringing back some poor daily necessities.I threw my luggage on the car and hopped on.As soon as the car left the county, oh, what a beautiful day. This area is at the junction of Shanxi and Inner Mongolia, and it is full of gentle and monotonous hills.There is no road, only two light-coloured marks on the grass where the wheels of the big wheels run.The old man who drove the car and I didn't speak much of each other, and seldom spoke. During the distance of seventy or eighty miles, I could hardly see a person, and sometimes I felt that it was just me and myself.It’s big, empty, quiet, and comfortable. It’s not lonely when you’re out of the world. In front are the backs of three horses and the old man. On the left and right are the nature that will never harm me. The long grass brushes the cart. It clicked nicely.While the car was swaying, I began to sing songs unconsciously, singing one after another, singing all the songs I knew, and singing all the way carefree... I tried not to think about anything, and enjoyed this everything.I really wish that this road would be endless, go on for tens of thousands of miles, decades. At five or six o'clock in the afternoon, we arrived in a mountain col.When the old man who drove the car said it, I was taken aback.There are only two rows of empty brick houses in the shadow of the dark mountains, and there are no villages around.Before I could ask, the old driver said, "This is the school." He handed me over to an old man who was deaf and dumb.The old man steamed a few potatoes for me with a bellows, and a bowl of salt water was my food, and then led me to a small cold room and asked me to stay.There is no principal, teacher, or student here. Where is the school? I was shocked and panicked, as if I had entered a maze.That night in the empty house on the empty mountain, I was terrified, and the pleasure of leaving the world during the day was gone. I needed a woman very much. I ran to knock on the old man's door and said that I wanted to find a woman to talk to. No matter how much I shouted, use He gestured with his hands, but he was deaf and dumb, so he only waved his hands and didn't understand. It is said that there are 18 floors of hell. Which floor am I now? Have I reached the bottom floor? I kept screaming in my heart all night—Life, what is worse for you? Let me taste the worst first. Is it okay? fourteen The place where I live is the seat of the commune’s Revolutionary Committee. It occupies the front row of rooms. There are only the director of the Revolutionary Committee, the deputy director, a secretary, a correspondent who collects medicine and delivers letters, a veterinarian, and the deaf-mute cook. old man.The next row of houses is a school. The commune planned to open a middle school and recruit students from primary schools in various villages. But at the time of the Cultural Revolution, the children didn't want to go to school, so the houses were all empty.The director of the Revolutionary Committee said: "Go to the villages to mobilize yourself. If you mobilize, you can teach one. If there are no students, you will be fine." Seeing that I was embarrassed, he said, "Go to Huchaigou to find a fellow student. The principal of the district, his surname is Wang, he can do whatever he says." I thought to myself that if I found this Principal Wang, I would find someone who understands me. I ran for more than 20 miles on the mountain road and found Huchaigou. When I saw this Principal Wang, my feelings changed immediately.He is very short, with stubble on his chin, and he stared at me fiercely, as if he had a deep-seated hatred for me, a college student from Beijing, so he gave me a blow and said: "I've heard about your situation a long time ago. Your main task is to receive re-education from the poor and lower-middle peasants, run a middle school along with it, and mobilize students yourself." Other than that, he didn't say anything else, it seemed that it would be good if I didn't accomplish anything.How can I mobilize students in such a large commune? Thanks to the enthusiasm of the commune secretary, he tore up a piece of paper and drew a sketch with a pen. I followed this picture and went from village to village like a vagrant beggar in a completely unfamiliar wilderness village, door-to-door to mobilize.Before I could mobilize a student, an emergency notice came from the county, and more than 600 teachers in the county immediately gathered in the county to hold study classes and clean up the class team.The disaster is about to strike again. fifteen The movement to clean up the team was fierce, and it would be difficult for me to escape this hurdle, so I simply went to the political commissar of the county armed forces department, who was directly in charge of the movement of the education system.I will tell my story from beginning to end.This time it was different from the naive confession to the organization at the Yanbei Commissioner, but it was very clear that I was in a situation where I was slaughtered by others, so I was not afraid, and simply gave it all to him anyway. If I want to kill me, I'd better hurry up.Unexpectedly, there was a rare sympathy in this world in his eyes.I asked him: "Should I talk about these things in the study class?" He said: "This is not your personal issue. You can talk about it or not, but whether you talk about it or not has nothing to do with our county." I understood that he couldn't help but imply that I couldn't.With the attitude of this big man, my heart is much more relaxed.But when it came to the study class, it was like being in a meat grinder. I don’t want to say that Principal Wang always beat me with words, especially when he was punishing others, he beat me very fiercely, and deliberately showed me to scare me.I thought, I can no longer suffer from innocence and seriousness, so I gritted my teeth and kept silent. This kind of backcountry is much more barbaric than a big city.Sometimes the county magistrate and secretary of the county party committee were brought in to criticize the fight, and a large dung bucket of several tens of kilograms was tied to the neck with a wire, and stones were thrown into the bucket while fighting, and the dung juice was splashed all over the body and face.有的人熬不住就自杀；找不到自杀的家伙，便在吃饭时把筷子插进鼻孔，把头用力往桌上一磕，筷子穿进脑子；还有的跳粪坑活活憋死。半个月后在王校长操纵下，矛头明显转向我，气氛紧张得叫我天天犯心跳。一天，大家正在屋里学习毛主席著作，我坐在炕上，王校长突然对我喊一嗓子："站起来！" 我立刻在炕上站起来。 王校长说："你敢站得这么高！好大胆，比墙上的毛主席像还高！" 我从炕上跳下来，顶他一句："是你叫我站起来的！" 王校长一脚把我踢到门口。不知为什么，我马上想蹿出门跑去找那政委，好像那政委是我的保护人。王校长一把抓住我说，"你想跑?"这就要大开杀戒了。 我不知打哪儿来的勇气，说："咱们的最高领导不是武装部政委吗?好，你去问他，他叫我说，我就说!"没想到这一来，他怔住了。他们不摸底，其实我更不摸底，谁知政委会不会保我。我只和他见过一面，他不过流露过一点同情，说几句模棱两可的话。那时代同情是种多么软弱和不可靠的东西呵。我的命运全押在政委手里了。 他们到县武装部去问。我更没想到政委对他们说："她的材料没来，能搞出什么事。"居然把我保住了。后来学习班里一些没问题的大学生们被派下去劳动，政委也叫我去，这便使我意外地从一个滚滚而来的巨轮下逃脱出来。我当时对这位好心政委抱着无限感恩之情，把他当做天下第一好人，哪里知道他另有目的呢。 sixteen 我回到丁家窑公社后，天天奔走于荒山野岭中各个村子间，去动员学生来上学。一个小小女子在旷野独行，既怕人又怕见不到人，见到人怕是坏人，见不到人怕迷路。有一次我竟糊里糊涂从山西一直走到内蒙，被内蒙那边人当做特务困了一天。冬天大雪盖地，野兽出来寻找食物，常常能在雪地上看见狼或豹子的脚印。我就不停地大声唱歌为自己壮胆，有时唱着唱着哭了，我不知自己为什么这么干……可是，也许被我的诚心和辛苦所感动，居然动员到二十八个孩子来上学。他们都住校，立时把我生活的孤单冷落全驱赶走了。我既是校长，又是教师，上课摇铃也是我。天天早上四五点钟我召唤他们起床。大山中间的早晨空气清酗，第一件事是带着他们站在空场上，高举小红书，向着太阳开起的地方对毛主席请示。这感觉也挺神圣的。崇拜?我说不清了。反正我需要一种精神支持自己，鼓舞自己，把自己装满，否则你怎么活?这段时间我还算快活，眼瞧着这些穷孩子学习成绩突飞猛进我高兴，有时批作业，备课，搞到更深夜半，惹得黄鼠狼下来了"嚓嚓"撕窗纸，吓得我打哆嗦。孩子们教给我说，只要听到窗纸响，吹灭油灯，黄鼠狼便会走开。我和孩子们处得感情融洽，他们见我吃得很苦，一起到野地里挖甜草根时，就拾些野鸟蛋塞进我口袋里。一次我伸手掏手绢，手指碰到一个粘糊糊、肉乎乎的东西，我惊得大喊大叫。原来一个鸟蛋在我口袋里孵化了，小肉鸟破壳而出，孩子们全咧开嘴笑了……他们给我多大的安慰和欣悦呵。 五月端午节；二十八个学生每人从家里端来一碗用土豆、豆腐和羊肉蒸的黄糕送给我吃。这时又搞起"急整顿"运动，王校长带领各材小学教师来我这里开会，看见这些黄糕，王校长当面点我说："现在没有直接的反革命，都是打着红旗反红旗的，笼络学生，搞成他的接班人，这就是阶级斗争新形势下的反革命活动！" 我没别的出路了，就提出下到村里去教小学，王校长马上同意，并通知我要去的那村的贫下中农革委会警惕我的一举一动。 我再没劲儿了。我发现，一个人，打起精神也是活着，心灰意懒也是活着；一次我从一面小镜子里看见自己满面灰尘，马上洗过，再看，依旧灰蒙蒙，无光，眼睛竟然也没光泽。可是我这时才二十四岁呀! seventeen 突然一天，喜从天降，县里下调令，调我到县中学教化学。但到了县中学不久。武装部政治科一位干部对我说，调我来县中学是政委的决定，然后吞吞吐吐半天才说，政委有个内弟在大同煤矿当工人，一条腿有残，光棍儿，希望我能嫁给他。一下子我才醒悟，在清队时受到这位政委特殊保护的真正原因。我感到我命运中的一切幸运，都是以双倍的牺牲为代价的。刚刚为自己逃脱开王校长的控制而庆幸，转眼却落入政委更有力的手掌之中，绝难逃脱。清队时那次不过把我从笼子里放出来，这边却早下一道网了。幸亏县中学校长是山西大学六五届学生，为人正直，经历也有一段坎坷。很同情我，便仗义牵线把我介绍给另一个县的小学教师--也是由外地分配来的大学生，经过许许多多曲折，我嫁给这位大学生并因此调出O县，去往K县，虽然彻底得罪了那个政委，却从此也了结了我这长达十年、不堪回首的苦难。 eighteen 我这男人老实厚道，待我很好。但我对于前夫的那种感情却很难再现。那不仅是初恋的纯情，更是一种崇拜才有的圣洁，以及全部生命的投入。一个人只能有一次这样的崇拜，一旦破碎，永难复生。特别是文革结束后，我前夫被落实政策开追悼会的消息传到南通，不到十天，他母亲便死去。我对人生才算真正的大彻大悟，此生此世不再可能崇拜谁了，因为我经过崇拜的毁灭和毁灭的崇拜。我能在这两种毁灭中活下来，是我平生最大的幸运，当然也是最大的不幸！ ***被崇拜者搞垮崇拜者，是一种心灵屠杀。 ***