Chapter 13 It's time to take my word for it

Father pushed open the door and stood there. I was sitting at the table, and when I looked up, I saw my father's pale sideburns and frightened and angry eyes, so I hurriedly stood up and looked for a chair.My house has become a small warehouse for the school.The desk is full of piles of lesson plans and leftover textbooks, as well as chalk boxes, a bundle of rice brooms and a dustpan made of kudzu vines are piled up in the corner, and two wooden boxes are placed on the ground, containing basketballs and barbells. Sports equipment such as skipping ropes, badminton rackets and checkers boxes that were just purchased a few days ago were placed on the chair.In the whole small house, only a narrow bed and a chair with bad legs were idle.I wanted to vacate the slightly better chair, but as soon as I took a step, my father slapped me on the face——

"Crack! Crack!" twice in a row. When his father raised his hand for the third time, he was stopped by Principal Liu Jianguo who walked in with him.He pressed his shoulders and made his furious father sit down on the bad-legged chair.He said something to comfort my father and comfort me, and then walked out the door. I sat on the edge of the bunk, which was messed up like a kennel, with my head bowed, my cheeks burning from the spanking.I didn't expect my father to meet me with a slap in the face, but I didn't panic either.The first time I saw him coming in from the door, I was so flustered that I didn't know what to do. How should I explain my situation to him and the origin of all this?After his two slaps, my heart was quiet, and I didn't need to explain anything to him.My father, in my memory, seldom showed intimacy to me, his smiles were as rare as rain stars in the dry season, and there was no laughing and joking between father and son in the usual family.However, he never used fists or kicks, and he didn't move his hands and feet when he was angry like ordinary peasants who were not big or small when they got close to their children, and swear a series of obscene words.He is serious, doesn't beat or scold, and often teaches me how to speak and treat people with a cold face.Today, he slapped me twice.

I sat with my head bowed, I became a rightist, a handyman, I was just rescued from the noose on the beam by others... I couldn't speak.My father didn't speak either, and I could hear him panting heavily. My father sat on the chair, didn't ask me why I hanged myself, and didn't try to persuade me. He said in a suppressed tone, "Take out the two words I wrote to you." Be cautious!The night before I went to the normal school to study, my father wrote the instructions before leaving, and I later burned them as ridiculous trash.Now thinking of this promise, my heart suddenly trembled, and I couldn't lift my head even more, so I said, "When I graduated... I lost it..."

"Lost it! Hmph! Lost it!" Father asked and answered angrily, "Now you should understand the meaning of those two words!" I have long understood the meaning of those two words. Be cautious, especially when you are alone. You must be cautious in everything, and you must be cautious at all times, including words and deeds.My name was given by my father, which means Shen Xing; my younger brother’s name was also given by my father, Shen Yan, which still means this.After I entered normal school for advanced studies, the protective embankment that my father had set up for me was washed away one by one by the wave of new life, and I neither spoke nor acted carelessly.Teachers and classmates all said that I had transformed from feudal shackles into a lively newcomer.Now, my father, speaking in an unquestioning tone, proves him right and me wrong.It makes me think that he has more things to say at this moment. For example, if he carefully considers what should be said and what should not be said when he speaks, then today's situation will not be like this. If Before deciding to give advice to the new Principal Liu, carefully consider the bad consequences of such an action, so that he will not fall into such an embarrassing situation today.If...then...Father can teach me as a winner; if I take my words seriously in my heart, then I won't ask for trouble.I think my father must want to say this, and he can say this, but he didn't say that. He just asked him to write down the "be cautious and independent" advice, and let me think about it myself.

"Sickness comes from the mouth, and misfortune comes from the mouth." My father pondered, "Everyone understands this truth, but it is difficult for anyone to practice it. If you want to be greedy for a while, you will get sick, and if you want to be happy for a while, you will be in trouble..." My heart is in great pain. Since the disaster, all I have heard are harsh criticisms and rebuttals, and no one has analyzed the real motives of my opinions.Now, when my father uses his philosophy of dealing with things to trace the root cause for me, I still can't be convinced, and there is a pitiful voice in my heart crying "wrong".I said to my father: "At the meeting of 'Ming Fang', the county magistrate and the director of the Education Bureau all came to the meeting to give reports, mobilizing us to 'speak out loudly' and 'help the party rectify', 'it is the responsibility of every party member and cadre. The big question is whether the revolutionary sense of responsibility is strong or not. I am a teacher of the people, a revolutionary cadre, and a probationary party member. How can I not listen to the party? I..." I couldn't explain clearly.

"All my life I just want to be celibate and not to ask others' faults." My father said, "I can't control others: even if men steal women and prostitutes, I can't control them. I just want to be an honest gentleman..." "This is the kind of thinking that is criticized in the party constitution." I couldn't agree with my father's work, and said aggrievedly, "The party requires every party member to carry out active ideological struggle, and he must clean himself up. I am a probationary party member, and I listen to the party's words... "

"You should ask yourself this question, what's the matter?" My father didn't feel that I was wronged, but went straight to the bottom of my heart, "I am not a probationary party member, and I don't understand the party rules; you are, and you understand, you say Why?" I can't tell why.I devoutly supported "Speaking Greatly and Freeing" and "Anti-Rightist Struggle", but I never thought that I would be a rightist.I myself became a rightist, and I didn't have the slightest objection to doubt the bias of the anti-rightist struggle.In this way, I am in pain.Even in pain, I can't re-accept my father's philosophy of life, which I have been tired of listening to, and the stale and moldy things that have been purged from my heart.But whatever the explanation for my ending and situation, the conclusion proved my father right.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore, it's too late, it's useless, and it won't help." Father calmed down at this moment, a kind of worldly calm, "I thought about it, a gentleman doesn't take regret medicine. You don't have to be too sad .If you can’t be a husband, then be a farmer. Go back to your hometown to work in agriculture and earn your own living. 'There is no one who seeks self-improvement' Wow!" I smiled wryly and told him that the people’s teachers in the new society are organized, unlike private school teachers in the old society, who go as soon as they are willing to be hired, and quit if they don’t want to be hired. Everything must follow the allocation and arrangement of the Education Bureau.

"So, what is the arrangement for you now?" "Ring the bell, sweep the floor..." "If you ring the bell and sweep the floor, you will ring the bell and sweep the floor. You haven't been sentenced to death, have you?" The father didn't seem to care much. "If you want to ring the bell and sweep the floor, you can ring the bell and sweep the floor at school. If you want to die again, give me a hello first, let me and your mother die first, you can bury the two old people, and it will not be too late. Let me and your mother carry the coffin for you to bury, can you live with your conscience?"

My heart felt sour, and finally I couldn't help it, and cried out loud.We seldom have this kind of affectionate conversation between father and son.I saw his white hair, his old face, although it was as serious and rigid as before, after all, because of his old age, I realized my responsibility to the family.I really want to cry loudly, without any cover, let go of my throat and cry with all my heart. "I don't have the energy to move your corpse." The father said such pitiful and heartless words while weeping, "I will not let the villagers of Yangxu village come to carry your corpse. Think about how you will live in the future! If you don’t listen to my words, ‘the son can’t be the father’. I can’t control it anymore!”

He wanted to leave, but I didn't really want to keep him.He didn't have the face to stay any longer in my low situation at school.When I sent him on the official road up to Dongyuan, I saw him walking slowly with a crude cane—actually a branch, and I felt sorry for him. Beating my chest hard, what kind of situation have I fallen into?What am I when my school sees me as a disloyalty and my father sees me as a rebel? After dinner, there was a relaxed and quiet atmosphere on campus. Some teachers carried kettles and walked lazily to the water room to fetch water, make tea, or make warm water to wipe their bodies. It's not like the rush in class anymore.Some teachers are playing chess under the locust tree, some are washing clothes on the well platform, and the pleasant sound of someone's flute is lingering among the rows of classrooms.I turned off the boiler, took the shovel and broom, and went to clean the toilets. This is the best time and space to remove the excrement of teachers and students. "Xu Shenxing, come out—" God!Tian Fang is calling me!The shovel I was digging in the urinal fell to the ground, my eyes went dark, and I almost fell into the urinal.I fell on the wall, the lingering sound of the thunder that bombarded my eardrums was still reverberating, my heart was flustered, and I was almost stunned. "Xu Shenxing, come out—" I had nowhere to hide, and nowhere to escape. Judging from the voice that sounded again, she was blocking the door of the men's toilet.Ever since I sent out the letter that scolded her, I never thought of meeting her again. A chance encounter may not be ruled out. The fact that she was looking for me on purpose was far beyond my expectations. Morality, what dirt was thrown in her face!I have no face to see her, and I don't want to explain anymore.I want her to hate me forever, or even despise me, which is better than being attached to me... I walked out of the toilet door in panic, mentally prepared to be slapped. As soon as I walked out of the toilet door, I saw a pair of eyes burning with anger and pain. I immediately lowered my head and didn't dare to look any more.The first moment she saw me, she trembled slightly.Before I could think too much, I heard a frightening scolding: "I'm going to judge you! Come over here—" Her extraordinary behavior makes me uneasy, she wants to criticize me?I have been a rightist for a while, and she just remembered to criticize me now?I mechanically walked to the front of the small flower bed and stopped with her.This is the most conspicuous place in the school. There is a big clock hanging on the wall under the eaves, and there are four red characters imitating Song Dynasty written on it: Arrive at school on time.Several teachers stood watching from a distance. "Xu Shenxing, as a teacher of the people, a probationary party member, viciously anti-party and attacking socialism, I will definitely criticize you—" She stood there, two meters away from me, criticizing me face to face with seriousness.I lowered my hands, bowed my head, and didn't make any gestures.I heard footsteps coming from both sides, and many teachers gathered around to watch the excitement. "You want to cut yourself off from the people. You are so stupid! The party and the people have spent a lot of money to train you. You don't know how to repay the kindness to the people and the party, but instead rebelled against the party and committed suicide. Where is your conscience?" My heart was trembling, and my head was sweating. These commonplace critical words were uttered by her face to face today. I was extremely painful and ashamed!There are already many teachers around, and everyone who heard the news came to watch the excitement.I don't know if the principal Liu Jianguo is here?I didn't have the courage to look up. "Aren't you convinced? You say you are against the party, you are not convinced, you threaten others with suicide, who will eat your trick! You have to understand that the party is not an abstract existence. In school, the representative of the party is the principal. You viciously attack Headmaster, it’s anti-Party—" "Tian Fang, when did you come?" I heard Principal Liu Jianguo's voice, raised my head slightly, and saw him walking up to Tian Fang, with a sincere tone of old classmates, "What are you doing! Go, hurry up Come to my house and sit..." "I came here specifically to criticize his bad ideas." Tian Fang said, "I am an old classmate with you, and he is also an old classmate. He was assigned to Niuwangbian Primary School with you. Instead of helping you work hard, he attacked the party. I see, this guy is purely trying to climb up! Taking advantage of the opportunity of party consolidation, he will attack you and climb higher by himself..." Oh my god!Do I want to climb higher?Do I want to take advantage of rectification to knock others down and climb up by myself?I know that I have many problems, but it is not so bad! "Hmm! You can understand how you feel..." Liu Jianguo said. "How hypocritical you are!" Tian Fang pointed at me and said, refusing to listen to Liu Jianguo's persuasion, and became even more angry, "We have been classmates for two years, why didn't I realize it at the time? You pretend to be active, but you actually want to climb up , you don’t hesitate to attack comrades and leaders, and climb up on others, how hypocritical you are! You... you, a rightist hypocrite, are a shame to the whole class..." "Okay, okay! Tian Fang—" I heard Liu Jianguo's voice, which seemed a little awkward and unnatural, "Let's go! Let's go to my house—" "I'm rushing back to school, I don't have time to sit down." Tian Fang said, "I'm warning you in the name of a class 2 classmate, tell me honestly, reform honestly, and behave honestly! History never hides hypocrisy people..." she left.I heard her footsteps walking towards the door, so I dared to raise my head. She turned her head again and said to Liu Jianguo, "As soon as I have time, I will criticize him!" After that, she raised her head and walked out of the school gate . When I turned around, I saw Liu Jianguo's face was a little yellow, with a look of hatred in his eyes, and he left breathlessly.Some of the onlookers were baffled, and some were whispering mysteriously. They were not just laughing at me, were they? I went back to the men's room again, grabbed the shovel handle, and my heart suddenly opened up. It seemed that I had only fully awakened at this moment. She was knocking around, and it was not me who scolded me.To scold me and criticize me, the term hypocrite should not be used. The person who is more sensitive to this term should be him—Principal Liu Jianguo.I actually had a kind of joy that I had never had before, as if I had scolded the person I wanted to scold to relieve my anger and joy.There was a sudden surge of strength in my arm, which made the urinal filled with feces and urine rattle and rattle... About ten days later, she came again, and the old trick was repeated.This time I was lying in the house when she came.She called my name outside the door and yelled at me to "take the critique".I ran out in a hurry and stood next to the small garden under the wall clock.She criticized me severely again, scolded me severely, and made sarcasm, which was even more bitter than the first time.I lowered my head and listened to her digging and hurting words, and I felt extremely comfortable. Liu Jianguo was not polite this time: "You can't criticize people casually! If you want to criticize, you have to go through the organization..." "As soon as I saw this hypocritical guy, my eyes turned black! I even forgot the organization procedures... I'm sorry!" She left. She didn't go to Liu Jianguo's house to go through organizational procedures, nor did she enter my house. She left on her own. She came two more times.Almost all the teachers knew the true meaning of her actions, and Liu Jianguo was even more annoyed.If things go on like this, what should we do?When she came for the fifth time, I heard her calling me in the house, jumped out the back window, and ran away. She never came again.