Chapter 12 bewildered

I became rightist. It doesn't make much sense to tell you in detail how I became a rightist twig.However, when I think about it now, I just feel that I was so stupid at the time! Just because of one sentence, I said the principal's words of "great success", but I paid the price of more than 20 years-the price of life! How stupid of me!During the summer vacation that year, when the county gathered primary school teachers in the No. 1 Middle School of the county to "Ming Fang", the newspapers had already launched a counterattack against the rightists. The newly promoted principal of our school is my classmate Liu Jianguo when I was studying in the normal school. We were assigned to Niuwangbian Primary School in the west of the county together. One of the student party members.After working for one year after graduation, he became a full-time party member, and was promoted to the principal of Niuwangbian Primary School in the second year.He encouraged me to speak out and take the lead.I trust him very much, not only because he is my old classmate, but more importantly, he is my introducer for joining the party.I was introduced by him, I have passed the test, and I am undergoing the test in the preparatory period. I completely trust his words.In addition to violently countering Chu Anping's slander against the new society, I also expressed some opinions on the improvement of our school's work, saying that the headmaster Liu Jianguo's words are some of the most stinging of those opinions, and the disaster has been caused since then. .

I can't figure out if this is a trap set by Liu Jianguo for me?He was very sincere when he encouraged me to "Ming Fang", saying that we are not only old classmates, but also fighting in the same position, and we should speak out our precious gift—opinion, bluntly, and help him improve Niu Wang Bian. The leadership work of the elementary school is not only the relationship between the old classmates, but also an important test for me. I believe it.When he and I were studying in the second crash course, the students all admired his political firmness and positive work performance, but they were a little overjoyed, which affected his prestige among the classmates.After working in Niuwangmo Primary School, especially in the six months after he became the principal, the private discussions among the teachers became obvious, and the main reason was this problem.I have reminded him more than once in the chat with him, and he is not disgusted.However, when I formally stated it as an opinion at the "Ming Fang" meeting, it turned into "attacking the party's leadership"!

Liu Jianguo talked to me and said that he took the risk to defend me, and the leading group designated me as a "center-right".I was not sent to the farm for labor reform, but returned to my original unit for supervision and reform. When I returned to Niuwangbian Elementary School, this elementary school that I liked very much became strange to me, and my probationary party member was cancelled.I can no longer be the head teacher of the senior graduating class, but instead take some sub-classes such as "Geography" and "Natural Knowledge".Not long after, I couldn't take any classes anymore. I was asked to ring the bell, boil water, sweep the yard, and completely became a worker.

Many things in the world leave the deepest impression on people the first time, and after three or five times or even years and months, they become accustomed to it.The first time I hit the brass bell hanging on the locust tree in the school yard with the hemp rope, and saw the male and female teachers walk out of the office and walk to the classroom with lesson plans and chalk boxes, I thought I should go to the classroom immediately. suicide!Being a worker also has an important responsibility, delivering boiled water to the principal and the dean of teaching three times a day, and the teachers go to the boiling water room to fetch boiled water.The first time I delivered boiled water to Principal Liu Jianguo, I stood outside the door with a kettle in my hand, and thought of suicide again!I bite the bullet and pushed open the door, he turned his head from the desk, also a little embarrassed, hurriedly stood up, caught my water bottle, and said: "My water...don't give it away!" I felt in my heart A known grievance, I really want to cry bitterly.When I brought boiling water again, I became natural, and he also became natural, and then everything became normal. Even when I opened the door and put down the kettle, he didn't even lift his head until I walked out.

The primary school has poor facilities and no dining hall.After I rang the bell for meals, the teachers went to the small kitchen to buy food, formed a circle, and squatted in the yard to eat.This time is the most active moment among the teachers in the school. While eating and chatting, it is full of fools and anecdotes among the students in each class.I don't have the courage to squat down with everyone to spend this relaxed and happy moment. I always wait for those familiar voices of talking and laughing to disappear before I open the door, serve the bowl, and go to the small kitchen to eat the last meal Fortunately, Master Yang, the cook, will never forget me.When I was walking back to my house with the food that was no longer so hot, I thought about committing suicide again!

The only consolation I can get is the token that Tian Fang left for me.After I turned off the lights at night, I was lying in my small room, crawling on the pillow, and I found the white cloth embroidered with that touching ancient phrase, and my tears flowed down on the two folded Snuggle up on the heart pattern. The last time we met was during the "Ming Fang" meeting in No. 1 County Middle School. It was another rare opportunity for us to meet after graduation.Later, when I was declared "centre-right," her horror was no less than mine.That night, I was under guardianship and could not meet her.I wanted to tell her the reason for all these changes immediately, and I felt very urgent, but I couldn't come and go alone.Until the end of the "Ming Fang" meeting, she came to the place where our group stayed and helped me tie the quilt, but she didn't speak. I saw tears drop by drop on the white thread that tied the quilt.After tying it up, I didn't have the courage to look at her. I lowered my head and waited for her to speak in frustration.She left without saying goodbye, and when I looked up, I only saw her back as she flashed out of the door.

When I went back to school, I opened the quilt and found a small note: I want to hit you so much...you are so incredible! I will always wait for you! I really hope that she beat me, not with her hands, but with a leather rope or a wooden stick, and beat me hard. I can only get a little guilt relief from the whipping of my relatives. I got up to sweep the floor before dawn, and tried not to make any noise, so as not to wake up the sleeping teacher.Instead of three times a day, I fetched water for the director and the principal regardless of the number of times, and then sent water to all the teachers in the room.I cleaned the yard, and I took the initiative to clean the toilets, the teachers' toilets and the student toilets.I picked up a lot of rotten bricks and paved the dirt road between the small kitchen and the walkway, so that the teachers would not step on the muddy water when they came to cook in rainy days.After I boiled the water, I picked the unburned cinders to save money.I help the cook, Master Yang, wash the vegetables and wash the pot.In short, I didn't allow myself a quarter of an hour of leisure from the time I woke up at dawn to the time I rang the bell to go to bed after lights out.I would like to use my unremitting efforts to prove my sincerity in reform to everyone in the school, the principal, the dean, male and female teachers, students and cooks.My old classmate, Principal Liu, told me that I should earnestly rehabilitate and strive to be a new man. I will redeem my original sin with sincere actions.The stronger my desire to be a human being again, the more sincerely I manifest my desire to reform.I even feel that there are too few chores in this school with six or seven hundred teachers and students, which is not enough for me to perform.

After a year, no one approached me to talk about how my transformation is going?I was a little anxious, but I didn't dare to show it.On this day, Liu Jianguo called me to his house and said to me: "Your performance this year has been good, and comrades have responded well." My heart is pounding, has the day of being a man come?I couldn't hold back my excitement, and gave him a grateful smile, but couldn't speak. "Your actions have shown your determination." Liu Jianguo said, "But what do you think in your heart? You should express it to the party."

My heart flustered again, isn't my action consistent with my heart?I hurriedly said, "When will I express my determination?" I know that at this time, there has been a movement in the society to "give your heart to the party", and the school has already painted red slogans.The teachers held meetings every afternoon to express their hearts to the party. I was not eligible to attend the meetings, but just immersed myself in chores.Principal Liu Jianguo asked me to confess my heart to the party, and I finally had a chance to confess myself to all the teachers.I didn't sleep well all night and read that speech over and over again.I must deeply self-criticize my erroneous thoughts, and strive to pick up the teaching plan book that symbolizes the symbol of human beings as soon as possible.

The next afternoon, when I criticized myself so hard that I burst into tears, I felt that I did relax a bit.Immediately followed by everyone's comments. After the first person's speech, I had no more tears to shed, and the subsequent speeches became more and more intense.No one mentioned that I did a lot of things that I didn't do.No one said that I had shown even a sliver of sincerity in reform, but re-criticized the anti-Party speech I said—what a great success, even compared to the "Mingfang" meeting when I was ordered to be "central-right". "At that time, the atmosphere was even harsher, and the firepower was even fiercer.When someone was analyzing the root of my reactionary remarks, they said that I am an impure element and that my life style is problematic...

I am completely devastated.I went back to my little house and fell over.Again I made the mistake of taking my crime too lightly, and above all by getting the concept of time completely wrong.Wanting to start a new life is too far away!I have no energy left.Human despair is born of this confusion.I am determined to commit suicide! After ringing the lights-off bell, I opened the door, and the first thing I did was to write a letter to Tian Fang.When I took off the brush cap and wrote the word "Fang" on the white paper with red grid, tears filled my eyes.When I heard the knock on the door, I hurriedly packed up the pens and papers and opened the door. Principal Liu Jianguo stood outside the door. This is the first time he walked into my "workmate room", sat on a chair, and asked with concern: "Is there a lot of mental pressure?" I looked up and saw his sincere and concerned face, but I felt that the pressure was gone.When I was determined to fight for the right to be a human being again through endless toil, my heart was under heavy pressure; when I walked back to the Little House from the "Give Hearts" meeting, I felt that it would never be possible to get ahead, Desperate; despair, but no pressure.I smiled wryly and lowered my head. "The analysis of comrades is not completely in line with reality." Liu Jianguo said, "The key is that you should have a correct attitude. If you have something, you can change it, and if you don't have it, you can encourage it." I didn't raise my head, and smiled wryly again, how can I achieve the state of pure psychological cultivation like "if there is nothing, I will encourage you"?I now want him to go away and not talk to me.I want to deal with my urgent matter and write to Tian Fang.I greeted and said: "I understand." "It's good to understand, you can continue to 'give hearts to the party' tomorrow." He said. "Also..." I suddenly raised my head, isn't it over yet?I just said that and that's it, and I will have more tomorrow... I said, "I said what was in my heart today, what else will I say tomorrow? I have handed over what is in my heart..." "Comrades are dissatisfied! Opinions are very big!" He said in a fake tone, "For example, your marriage issue has been discussed by many people, you..." "What does this have to do with my crime?" I interrupted him, "I was an arranged marriage, an unreasonable marriage stipulated in the Marriage Law. When I was studying in a normal school, you fully understood the situation and you supported my divorce at the time. ..." "The situation is constantly developing and changing!" Liu Jianguo said, "Comrades now think that you are not only politically reactionary, but also have a problem with your life style. It seems that nothing is isolated. The corruption of your life style will inevitably lead to political... You should dig deep into the roots of your thoughts when you 'hand over your hearts' tomorrow..." "How can it be said that the style of life is corrupt?" I said, "Tian Fang, I have a good relationship with her, but we haven't... deviant behavior. Besides, Tian Fang is also the daughter of a poor peasant, how could she corrupt me Got it! I can't figure it out." "You don't know her." Liu Jianguo said, "This person has many advantages and is also relatively frivolous. She asked me...I refused! Later, when she joined the League, I went to their village to understand the situation. The party branch introduced Said that her father was wandering in the old society in Xi'an, and took care of a woman with no background, some people said it was... a brothel!" My goodness!Some people said that Tian Fang's mother was a brothel, and Tian Fang was regarded as a frivolous woman by Liu Jianguo, so he corrupted me into an anti-Party rightist!Do you want me to expose the root cause in this way at the "Give Hearts" meeting tomorrow?I suddenly remembered that Tian Fang burned Liu Jianguo's fifth courtship letter in front of me. Who is more reliable? After Liu Jianguo left, I locked the door again, opened the ink cartridge, and picked up the brush.Resolutely cut off the relationship with Tian Fang, the sooner the better.I have no hope of getting ahead, and Tian Fang can't really wait for me for the rest of my life.I know that any reason to persuade her will not help, it will only attract her deeper attachment to me.I have to find the most vicious swear words, and call her a bloody spray, in order to stop her heart from beating towards me.I can't find such a word, and I can't find a bad fault for her.I suddenly thought of what Liu Jianguo said just now. Only he could think of it. It helped me at the moment. I gritted my teeth and bit my lip. The blood dripped on the letter paper, but I didn’t feel any pain. There was a line on the letter paper. Guilty Ink: "Your mother is a kiln sister. You passed on bourgeois ideas to me and corrupted me..." The next day, at another meeting of "exchanging hearts", I just repeated a sentence mechanically: "I don't have a heart. I am a black heart, a wolf-hearted anti-party, please criticize..." I became a section without a heart. The stump of perception, let the foul language from all directions splash on my face, and I am not shocked. That night, I tied a few strands of a book-binding rope so that it could bear my weight, and hung it on the beam. When I stuck my head in, I felt at peace.When Tian Fang received my letter, she might have heard the news of my death at the same time. She would hate me; hating me was better than being in love with me; it was also better for her. I didn't die. When I regained consciousness, I realized that the person who brought me back to this world from another world was actually Liu Jianguo again.He is a careful and mature person. He has already seen my "unusual expression" and quietly guarded against me.Instead of being grateful to this savior, I hated him. The news of the death alarmed my father who was dozens of miles away. He rushed to Niuwangbian Elementary School in a panic. When he came, he slapped me twice...