Chapter 12 chapter Ten

The ward of the hospital was as heavy as a prison cell. Although it was clean, there was a dead air floating everywhere, and the surrounding atmosphere was gloomy like the sky outside the window, oppressive and dull.In this heavy environment, for the first time, my humble life attracted the attention of so many people, including relatives, friends, and even leading colleagues.In everyone's greetings and comforts over and over again, I feel that there are so many people in the world who have not forgotten me. Perhaps it should be said that only then did I attract people's attention. For this, I don't know how to be gratified Still feel more desolate.

After my ex-husband saw that my situation improved greatly, he began to return to work.Occasionally he would bring his daughter to play in front of my bed.Every time at this time, the family happiness I once had and the family happiness I experienced back then seem like yesterday, vividly in my mind, and my conscience, which is overloaded, will have a deep self-consciousness in this dream-like family relationship. responsibility.And once their figures and laughter disappeared from the room and drifted away from my eyes, my mind would be occupied by that painful memory again in an instant, which made me feel like a world away, as if just now The laughter and joy and the family and happiness you once had are already past lives past lives.And I myself would feel that the drowsy me lying on the hospital bed was more like a dead woman in this kind of confused consciousness.Yes, a woman like me, a woman who has no self-control and shame like me, is really better than dead.I really have to think so.

Up to now, I still can't explain clearly, that night, how I made up my mind to accept Sima Xiao again at that moment.But when I stepped out of the Internet cafe, when I got off the taxi, walked through the corridors I was familiar with, and saw the big blessing on my door, I woke up.I also remembered the poisonous oath I once made that if I contact Sima Xiao, I will be struck to death by lightning.From then on, I hated myself so much that I wished, every gloomy day, that lightning would strike me as punishment for my sin.However, in the late spring and early summer, and even the whole summer, although there were many times of wind, rain, and thunder and lightning, I never received retribution.

The sky outside the window darkened again, reminding me of my poisonous oath once again.When my daughter's laughter was still ringing in my ears, and my husband's melancholy and generous face was still in my mind, I felt a kind of tiredness and a heavy sleepiness.Just as I was wandering and struggling between the poisonous oath I made and the heavy sleepiness, I vaguely heard a rhythmic sound coming, and my tentacles of consciousness suddenly became sensitive in the haze.This kind of rhythmic sound vibrates in my ears unhurriedly, from time to time, from time to time, and from time to time. I think it may be the footsteps of the soul, or it should be the footsteps of God.I think they are finally coming to punish me.

I strained my intellect to figure out where it was.It may be in the house, on the roof, on the window sill, on the wall, or wandering in a certain corner, thinking.I thought, if you want to punish, punish me, I have no choice for what I did.I prayed devoutly in my heart, let me see you and see what you look like. I forcefully opened my tired eyes, as if I was afraid of disturbing the fish that was biting the hook, and even the eyeballs turned slightly. I saw the opposite wall from the ceiling, the ground next to me from the wall, and then saw Looking at the door diagonally, and then looking at the window sill, it seems that everything in front of me is the same as before, and there is no sign of it.I suddenly felt a little funny, I am a mortal, how can I see it?I closed my eyes again, and the unhurried rhythm finally rang in my ears again.I finally understood that it was the small clock on the bedside table.A trace of disappointment is like the harsh winter's air-conditioning and resentment, silently soaking into the body and into the heart and spleen.I couldn't help shivering uncontrollably.It seems that there is still no god to punish me!

That summer came suddenly amidst my regret and anxiety.After the two winds blew, the scorching hot weather swept across the sky, and everything around suddenly fell into a state of chaos and disorder.Since my husband abused me that time, he has become guilty and disturbed for a while, especially when he saw the scars on my body the next day, he stroked my scars and his eyes were red with guilt.I also regretted the phone call to Sima Xiao that night, especially the sincere letter I wrote for a long time.But when my sanity was regained and everything came into order, I made up my mind again to forget all this and end it all.I began to force myself to forget Sima Xiao, force myself not to think of Sima Xiao anymore.I thought maybe he would have forgotten me from my snub.

With my efforts, my husband's wound seemed to be slowly healing as Wang Zhenqiang said.But there was one thing that aggravated my worries, because my husband seemed to have changed a lot, became taciturn, and was no longer as carefree as before.Even my mother-in-law and mother felt this.I think maybe people will appear mature after experiencing vicissitudes.This blow may indeed be a little too cruel for a man like her husband. Everything seemed to be back in its original order.My husband devoted himself to work again, and received a 2,000-yuan red envelope from the boss in his latest business success. My husband used the bonus to buy beautiful clothes for me and my daughter.My daughter won the second place in the class in the final exam and got a certificate.The whole family went out to celebrate again.I can't help but cherish this beautiful and warm life I have regained.In addition to going to work, I go home on time every day to do housework and take care of my children and husband.Life returned to its original monotony, and I was on the two-point-one line of my home-work unit, like a shuttle on an old loom, looping back and forth along my own track without any deviation.Although I can't see when it will end, but after experiencing that kind of unforgettable pain, I have learned to force myself to be lonely and content with the status quo.Although the life outside is wonderful and the world outside is changing with each passing day, I live in my small circle with a peaceful snail's attitude as before.

Sima Xiao seemed to feel my indifference, and never called me again. Of course, my mobile phone was never turned on again, and he wisely refused to call home.In this unconnected situation, my scholars seemed to be drifting away from me step by step, and that love affair was like the stars in the sky blurring in the morning.It's just that on some nights when my husband is busy with social affairs and not at home, on late nights when the child is babbling in his sleep, or when it is raining and windy, I will recall some things about Sima Xiao deep in my mind, and think of his With the tender voice and breath, the most fragile nerve will be shaken heavily, and some monstrous waves will be set off in my heart due to pain, and some tears of sadness due to longing and pain due to loss will flow out.But I know that I have lost him in my life, the only love that made me thrilled and dreamed in this life.

Another ordinary day without any special signs.I was sitting in the office bored, and my colleagues were all out shopping.I read over and over again the worthy news in the few newspapers on the table, and I almost read the unworthy content.A pair of confused eyes didn't know where to turn, and his mind seemed to be in a state of sleep.At this time, the sound of cicadas from the treetops outside the window broke into my ears at some point, high pitched and loud, without pause or high or low.It was like a metal wire was tied to the body of the cicada, and the other end was strung into my ear. It sizzled and irritated, making my ears itchy and painful, and my heart was irritated and dry.I have always wondered how this animal can be so amazing, without intermittent and tireless calls?It's like the sound of the machine in the computer mainframe at my desk.I suddenly felt emotional: When I am busy, I can't hear the cicadas, but when I am bored, something from the outside will come.I wonder if the same is true of my extramarital affairs?Is it also just a kind of mental stimulation that I find when I feel empty inside?Just like that, I thought of my short-lived extramarital affair again, and my eye sockets couldn't help getting moist.When I realized that I was falling into this lovesickness again, I quickly suppressed this emotion as hard as usual, then got up and walked to the window to find a distraction to adjust my thoughts.

Just then the phone rang, and I walked back to the desk and answered the phone lazily.When the voice on the phone rang, my unprepared heart suddenly trembled, because the person on the phone was calling my name, and the voice was very familiar - it was Sima Xiao's voice! I will never forget that sound.I quickly wondered if I had told him my office number, but I was finally convinced I hadn't. He couldn't wait to say, I'm in your city now.It turned out that he came back from vacation at the seaside after the holiday, and decided to take a detour to see me on the spur of the moment.He said cheerfully, "I didn't expect that your phone number and your person are easy to find. I was always afraid that I would not be able to contact you."

He said affectionately, it seems that we are destined. Holding the microphone in my hand, I felt a blankness in my consciousness for a moment, like a dream, and I don't know what happened.He stammered: You...you mean you are here, I...what should I do?what do i do He laughed, did I scare you?You don't have to do anything, just take a taxi and let me treat you to dinner first. After he said the name of the hotel and the room number, he hung up.I stood there for two or three minutes, at a loss.I looked at the phone again, recalling all the conversations and situations just now, and when I was sure it was him, my legs began to tremble with the violent beating of my heart.The first thing in my mind was, I'm going home and changing into nice clothes, I'm going home and looking good.So I quickly picked up my things, locked the office door and rushed out.When I rushed to the second floor, I happened to meet the leader. He nodded at me indifferently with a sullen face. I knew he must think that I got off work early.I didn't care about these at all, I just rushed home with one thought. When I rushed to the house on the fifth floor, I was out of breath.The mother and daughter were not at home, they must have gone out.Since my daughter was on vacation, I let my mother live here.I rushed into the bathroom and washed it quickly, then put on makeup as quickly as possible, and finally put on a white dress with small blue flowers on the left and right.In this dress, I look young, elegant and clean, like a lady. However, I still forgot one important thing - when I picked up the bag and took a last look around the house, I suddenly saw the re-hanging wedding photo in the living room - the husband on it was looking at me with a smile .I suddenly thought of my husband.Only now did I really realize that I can no longer see Sima Xiao casually.I don't know what will happen to this appointment?What will the home that has just returned with painstaking efforts face again?I remember I swore more than once, I remember I swore not to see Sima Xiao.what to do?The emergence of these problems suddenly made me feel dizzy.Looking at the picture of her husband, the enthusiasm to keep the appointment just now suddenly ran aground like a ship on the rocks.I just felt flustered and weak, and then I sat down on the sofa and couldn't move.I clearly know myself, as long as I see him, I will definitely lose my mind.But, how can I have the heart to let him down!He is waiting for me, maybe he is still very impatient! Time is passing by every minute, I still have no idea, my heart is getting more and more restless as time goes by, I am like an ant on a hot pot, standing up, sitting down, standing up, and sit down.What the hell do I do, what do I do? The sound of a key opening the door sounded, and I subconsciously stood up and stood by the door.After the mother opened the door with her daughter, she noticed my going out at first glance, and asked, are you going out? Facing my mother's question, I stuttered at a loss, and then unexpectedly said, yes.So when I didn't figure out what was going on, I really had to squeeze out from the gap between my mother and the door.The door slammed shut behind me.I stood outside the door, suddenly aware of my behavior - I have come out.That being the case, I'll go and see Sima Xiao, maybe nothing will happen, I can't let him even see me!So I comforted myself all the way, looking for reasons for myself, and took a taxi to the hotel where he lived. When he opened the door for me, I saw those tender eyes that broke my heart, and the feelings that had been suppressed for several months suddenly swelled up, and then tears poured out like a burst bank.He hugged me and hugged me whole.I heard his whispering, I miss you so much, I miss you so much!I curled up in his arms like a poor puppy, venting my tears of missing and my unspeakable pain to my heart's content.Everything is in a crazy and irrational world, my tears, his desire, my trembling, his moaning.His kisses were imprinted on my face, neck, and ears over and over again. His hands went from slowly stroking to anxiously searching. I was so burned by his passion that my whole body seemed to be filled with lust.We tore at each other's clothes, looked for each other's buttons, panting like two wrestling lions, making terrible hissing noises, entangled and twisted together... The world became in front of our eyes We are becoming narrower and narrower, and our hearts are becoming simpler and simpler. We seem to have entered a world without past, without future, without responsibilities, and without obligations.It's all so simple, it's just us, our raw sexuality.Like just Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we revel in the pleasures and pains of our two-person world. Two beams of light came from the gap in the curtains, shining brightly on Sima Xiao's panting body.He stretched out his hand, touched my face, and said tenderly, you woman, how can anyone let me go? It was past lunch time, we redressed and walked out of the room.There was no one in the long corridor, so Sima Xiao boldly stretched out his arms to wrap around my waist. He bowed his head and said softly, you make me feel bad, do you know that.I raised my eyes and saw love in his eyes.He said, your waist is too thin, giving the impression of being fragile.I need to eat more in a while. I was lucky that it was just the two of us in the elevator.Maybe it's a guilty conscience, but I'm still afraid of bumping into people.In particular, this hotel is a large commercial building integrating entertainment, catering, business and residence.As far as I know, friends, colleagues, relatives around me, even my husband and his friends and clients like to come here, which definitely makes me more nervous.However, since he lives here, I have no choice but to pray for God's blessing with a fluke mentality. Coming out of the elevator, the corridor is still dark and gloomy, and the light from the beautiful wall lamps and ceiling lamps is hazy as if shrouded in a layer of fog.A few people came from a distance, but luckily we turned into the corridor to the restaurant before we met.I couldn't help thinking in my heart, it seems that I am lucky today, and there will be no accidents. However, I'm glad it was too early.When we first walked into the restaurant, I found that the restaurant was still bustling, and there seemed to be no fewer diners than the dining time.There was the sound of sad music, and I recognized this familiar piece.It was the music of "I Will Always Love You" by the black female singer Whitney.Elegant, sad, heart-shattering.Walking beside Sima Xiao, I was concentrating on appreciating this beautiful piece of music when I suddenly felt a familiar face in a table not far away from the corner of my eye. I couldn't help becoming nervous, and glanced over again, and it was indeed an acquaintance, Wang Zhenqiang.So he hurriedly turned to the front of Sima Xiao and walked to a seat next to a pillar, which just blocked the light from that direction. It's that sentence again: the more you are afraid of something, the more you have something.As soon as our food was served, the tables over there dispersed.Because of the change in angle, he probably saw me as they walked out from the table.I looked around, looking for a way out.I saw the sign for the restroom just behind us in the aisle.I stood up quickly, leaving a back to the hall.I think if he looked at it, he would never recognize it as mine.But my calculations were still wrong.When I just came out of the bathroom, I saw Wang Zhenqiang standing not far from the door of the bathroom.He has oily hair and an ambiguous smile on his face. It is obvious that he is waiting for me.As he approached me, an unpleasant smell of alcohol rushed over, and I subconsciously blocked my nose with my hand. your lover?As he spoke with his white teeth bared, he hiccupped loudly almost at the same time.I felt a little ashamed and annoyed, so I said coldly, this is my private matter and has nothing to do with you. He laughed and said tolerantly, well, it has nothing to do with me.But related to your family, don't you forget. I said helplessly, sorry, I have to pass. He kept chatting and saying intermittently, I'll go over too, I want to meet your friend. Before I could stop him, he actually walked ahead of me.I don't know if he drank too much or did it on purpose.Because it was very different from his usual gentlemanly demeanor.This just baffles me a bit.I quickly walked in front of him, and gave Sima Xiao the appearance that I was introducing him. Sima Xiao was also taken aback, but quickly calmed down.Wang Zhenqiang hiccupped non-stop while introducing himself. We are fellow villagers and we are very familiar.Sima Xiao also introduced himself.When Wang Zhenqiang heard that he was a teacher, he said excitedly, do you take graduate students?I have a friend in the government department who has always wanted to be a graduate student in a prestigious school. Can you give me some guidance?I took him to visit you that day... Wang Zhenqiang was like a child without winks, croaking happily on his own, and asked the waitress for two more bottles of beer on his own initiative.Sima Xiao on the opposite side was not in a hurry, listening to Wang Zhenqiang's nonsense with restraint.At first I thought that Wang Zhenqiang was just curious to have a look at my lover, and would leave after a symbolic chatter at most, but after two glasses of wine, he still kept persuading, talking, and occasionally Tell a few jokes and laugh out loud. I felt more and more awkward, and a nameless fire began to rise in my heart. I interrupted him impatiently several times. I hoped that he would feel that he was no longer welcome, but he didn't seem to notice anything, nor No intention of leaving.So I quickly lowered my head and started to eat vigorously. When I was full, I wiped my mouth and said to Sima Xiao with my eyes, how is the food, let's leave. We stood up, and a waiter came over with the bill. As soon as Sima Xiao took out the clip, Wang Zhenqiang said forcefully, "You are my teacher from my hometown, so I have invited you for this meal."He took out one of his gold-plated cards and said that he only needs to keep accounts, and he spends a lot of food and room here every year.The scholar who has always been gentle and elegant finally showed a sullen expression on his face, and Wang Zhenqiang was still a little sober at last, and said sullenly, well, I will play some games later. I didn't play the ball, but Sima Xiao couldn't stand this Wang Zhenqiang's wild bombardment, so he took him away.I think this may be the demeanor of a businessman-when he wants to make friends with someone, he will use all means.I was very angry, but it was not easy to explode. I clearly saw the attachment in Sima Xiao's eyes when we parted, but I really couldn't keep entangled with Wang Zhenqiang any longer. I thought I might get angry with him.If so, I will disappoint Sima Xiao. When I walked to the street, I felt as if I had entered an oven, my whole body was roasted by fire, my pores opened rapidly, and I was sweating all over in an instant.It wasn't until then that my mind returned to normal, and my passion for Sima Xiao began to recede like a tide.It was only then that I thought of my husband and my oath.Standing under the grilling sun on the street, I once again felt hopeless.I have nothing to say about my behavior, I can only pray to God to forgive me again and give me another chance.I once again shamelessly told myself that as long as I could keep the secret this time and let me win my husband, I would accept the punishment willingly and never contact or get close to Sima Xiao again. It is the rush hour for going to work. Men and women who come and go are hurriedly pedaling their bicycles under the sun, sweating profusely.The clock at the intersection in the nearby street pointed to almost three o'clock, and it was time to go to work.But I really don't want to go.Up to this moment, what I thought was that I should be with Sima Xiao, and hated Wang Zhenqiang because of it. Just when I was standing on the street and was hesitating whether to go to work, I suddenly saw Liang Li.She was standing blankly at the entrance of a shopping mall, looking at the passers-by.I crossed the street, skirted the majestic cycle of bicycles in front of the mall, and came to her, shouting her name.However, her eyes were staring blankly ahead, neither seeing me nor hearing me! I yelled again, and she finally recovered and saw me like a dream.I was curious about her demeanor, so I asked, what are you doing?However, her answer was in a trance like her expression just now, she said, me?what am i doing She turned her face to look at me and didn't speak for a full two minutes.Two young men and women passed between me and her. The girl's long hair fluttered to my face with the wind, and I felt itchy on my cheeks for a while.When I faced Liang Li again, I was terrified because I found her eyes filled with tears. I asked in surprise, what's the matter with you? She didn't speak, but instead of speaking, the tears flowed out of her eyes, and more and more, in clusters, kept flowing, and then she began to cry with her hands covering her face.I was so flustered that I didn't know what was going on, let alone how to comfort her.Passers-by began to notice us, and people who walked past us turned their heads to stare at us.I pulled her to a secluded corner and waited for her to stop crying. She finally spoke, she said, she saw her husband buying clothes for a woman, she saw her husband put his arms around the woman's waist, and she saw her husband take a taxi with the woman and left... She said a lot of words incoherently. I see, her dream finally woke up! I don't know how to comfort her, because any words are pale.This kind of ghost gate can only be broken by the person involved.Because I have experienced it deeply. When it got dark that day, I sent her home.Before leaving, she had already calmed down, and she told me that she had to think about it carefully, and she believed that she could handle it well.So, I left with confidence. On the third day after Sima Xiao left, he sent me a letter, not an electronic letter, but a letter sealed in a cowhide envelope like an official document.Because I have told him that the mailbox is no longer available.I took his letter and was very excited.While cutting the seal, I guessed the content of the letter. For some reason, the first time I received his letter from the post office, I felt an inexplicable sadness and ominousness in my heart. People in the office were chatting lively, I took his letter and had to hide in the bathroom and read it quietly. With my feet straddling the toilet, smelling the stench in the toilet, and listening to the conversation of the two women next to me, I was almost heartbroken.I knew it must be his farewell language.Thinking of this, I burst into tears, tears gushing out of my eyes.Although for many days, I struggled between my husband and my lover, whenever I saw my husband and daughter, I made up my mind many times to end this relationship, which was a bit extravagant to me, but when I did, it was clear and clear. When he said it, I suddenly felt a pain in my heart and lungs.I know that I can't save anything, and I shouldn't be nostalgic for anything, otherwise all my decisions will be in vain.In the empty office after get off work, with blurry teary eyes, I wrote him the last letter, the first letter written on paper, to answer his question. My heart hurts and I can't say anything more.Maybe that's how things are in the world. If the sky has eyes, I will wait for you at the intersection of the next life, if fate allows, I will wait for you on the way of your growth in the next life!