Chapter 11 Chapter nine

My mother was finally discharged from the hospital. My husband, brother, and I walked out of the hospital with large and small bags containing toiletries, food, medicine, lunch boxes and tableware.It's already early summer, and the girls on the street have already put on thin gauze skirts. Their necks, thighs, and even the pink and white toes on their bare feet are so sexy that it makes people greedy.My mother was also very excited, as if she had just come out of prison. Looking at the beautiful girls all over the street, she couldn't help sighing. Girls nowadays are really catching up with the good times, with beautiful clothes and cosmetics.Then my mother suddenly turned around and looked at me, you should tidy yourself up, you see you have wrinkles.

Brother suddenly remembered something, sister, I happen to have two beauty cards, I gave them to you, and now let my brother-in-law treat me in exchange, I wish my mother out of the hospital, okay? My husband laughed happily at the side. In fact, I am very afraid of letting strangers touch my body, so I have always been reluctant to do beauty treatments, and even I am unwilling to have a haircut.Before the age of thirty, I always had long hair and shawls, and I almost didn't go to the barber shop.But when I was over thirty, it seemed that my long hair was no longer suitable for my age, so I cut it short.But the monthly haircut makes me regret it every time.Perhaps it was the strong persuasion of my younger brother and husband, or maybe it was my mother's first words that moved me.I took my younger brother's beauty card.

An hour later, my sister-in-law picked up the child from the kindergarten and my daughter from the school.My daughter hasn't come back to grandma's house since "May 1st". Seeing us, the little girl was so happy, she kept hugging my neck and acted like a baby. For the first time, she stretched out her little face to let my father pierce it with a beard. .Then I ran to my grandma with my younger brother's little daughter and started pestering her to tell stories. Under the suggestion of my younger brother to eat seafood, we went to a famous seafood city under the leadership of our husband.The restaurant is bustling inside and out, and despite the restaurant's reputation for rip-offs, people still flock to it.It seems that what to eat here is secondary, while culture and environment are the main purpose of people.

Walking into the hall, two rows of beautiful glass tanks of different sizes first attracted our attention, with various marine animals and colorful marine plants swimming in them.The two little girls yelled and lingered in front of this row of landscapes.We chose a secluded private room, and when we walked in, we felt a sudden coolness. It turned out that the air conditioner had been hissing on.The waiter walked in lightly wearing a sea blue dress, as if bringing a breath of ocean.The younger brother happily ordered the dishes, what kind of cuttlefish, what kind of fish, crabs, etc., I have always been unable to remember the name of the dish, as long as it is delicious.So neither care nor engage.He only listened to his sister-in-law imparting beauty and make-up knowledge.

The dishes started to be served one by one, and my brother and husband drank like two good friends who haven't seen each other for many years.After a while, the husband's face and neck began to turn red, and the younger brother's words became more and more thick, and he began to bark his teeth and claws.The two little girls didn't seem interested in the food. They each drank a large glass of juice and ran out to watch the fish.The mother is like an old lady who is satisfied with the family happiness. She goes out to see the two little girls with a smile, and then comes back happily to pick up food for everyone.Everything is so beautiful, a wonderful family.In my memory, it seems that it has been a long time since I saw my mother so happy, and it seems that it has been a long time since I ate together happily.

However, things seem to be too good. When everyone is enjoying the exquisite seafood in the cool air, something unexpected happens again like a reckless child.The waiter brought out a pot of soft-shelled turtle soup.Two little girls just came in from the outside at this moment, and one shouted, "Little turtle, little turtle."Another said it was a soft-shelled turtle.So they started arguing.The husband suddenly became annoyed and shouted with a bloodshot face, what are you arguing about, go out.The two little girls continued to quarrel without any fear, and asked the old lady to comment.At this time, the younger brother's eyes were red, his tongue was wide open, and he said: "None of you are right. Let me tell you, turtles are turtles, and turtles are turtles. They also have a name called bastard. Do you know bastard?"When the two little girls heard the bastard, they yelled, bastard is a curse, bastard is a curse.The daughter suddenly raised her arms high to attract everyone's attention, and then overwhelmed all other voices to show off the knowledge she heard from TV or children: bastards are people who wear cuckolds.The younger brother's little daughter also cheered closely, drinking bastard soup, drinking bastard soup...

Get lost—the husband suddenly yelled like crazy, he stretched out his long arms like a gibbon, picked up the pot of soft-shelled turtle soup, and then smashed it against the opposite wall with all his strength. "Kang Dang", accompanied by a sharp cracking sound, and then a piercing sizzling sound as it fell on the floor, the soup with cauliflower and green leaves sprinkled from the air to the wall, from the wall to the ground in a thick and shallow way, and then It spreads out, forming oily tributaries.There are a few pieces of green, black or yellow seaweed-like things lying around, scattered and unwittingly still sticking to the wall, as if to challenge her husband.Only the innocent tortoise turned its belly and lay on the ground innocently, with a funny and honest look.

The husband's face was purple, his eyes were red and he roared angrily, "Drink bastard soup!" The children were petrified, and so were the mother and siblings.The younger brother was also half sober, looking around like a dream, not knowing what happened.The silence in the house was as terrifying as a graveyard in the middle of the night.The husband still maintained his standing posture, his chest was heaving violently, his red eyes were wide open, like two red copper bells, and the scar on his lips became more obvious from the alcohol. I suddenly understood everything, and I suddenly remembered that when my brother was ordering, it seemed that the soft-shelled turtle soup once made my husband's face muscles twitch a few times for no apparent reason.How could I be so careless?How could I not think of it?

The meal broke up unhappily, and I was inexplicably angry.These are my mother's last words.The children have long forgotten the husband's temper just now.When they broke up, the daughter pestered her to go back to her younger siblings' home, to listen to stories with her grandma, and to sleep in a small bed with her younger brother's little daughter.With my mother's insistence and my daughter's noise, I had no choice but to agree. My younger brother and his family took a taxi and went home, leaving my gloomy husband and me.When I was alone with my husband's hurt face, I was suddenly terrified.I think there may be something terrible waiting for me. If you still want to punish me, husband, I admit it.In my husband's terrible silence, in my husband's terrible demeanor, I followed him into the house anxiously like a cowardly mouse.The husband still did not speak, sitting on the sofa like a clay sculpture.So I walked into the bathroom in fear, and while taking a shower slowly, I was thinking about countermeasures.However, the brain is empty, without content.I also don't know how long I've been grinding.When I came out of the bathroom, one bottle of beer was already empty on the coffee table in front of my husband, and the other bottle was almost half-empty.Feeling guilt and pain in my heart, I hurried over and took his wine glass away.

I lowered my eyebrows and said cautiously, I'm sorry, don't drink, okay? He turned his face away and lifted my head in one fell swoop.I had to face up to my husband's eyes that were red as if they were about to bleed. I saw that under the light, a raging fire seemed to be burning in my husband's eyes, and the scar on his lip was clearly exposed under the light of the fire. Vicissitudes and wildness. He gritted his teeth, and said categorically at me, no—good!The saliva in my mouth almost sprayed my face, and a strong smell of alcohol rushed straight to my nose. I couldn't help itching my nasal cavity, and made two huffs, but the fear of my husband made me so timid that I suppressed my sneeze for a while. went back.However, instead of calming his anger, my bewildered and panicked appearance infuriated him.

He suddenly shoved me forward like a disgusting dog.Then, with a ferocious face, he roared furiously through gritted teeth: You are always sorry, I'm sorry, does it mean that just saying sorry will cancel everything?You stinky woman!You made me a bastard, a cuckold, and a cuckold.Wherever I go, that green hat reminds me and laughs at me, you know?You are a bitch! ... Where is your diamond ring?You sold for a good price, you are great.You should be congratulated!He once again shouted in front of me with contempt and anger, you really make me proud, make me proud, make me glorious, make me... The more he spoke, the more angry he became, and the language became more and more harsh, like an angry machine gun, constantly spraying out powerful flames.I stood helplessly in front of him, standing in the flames, like a baby without self-protection ability, let it burn, let it destroy, only tears wash away the pain and shame over and over again. say something!He moved to my eyes again and pointed to my nose, why don't you speak?Have you forgotten how rude you were when you got married?Have you forgotten your gratuitous tantrums?Did you forget that you slapped me in front of my colleagues?Tell me, how powerful are you... I felt a hard thing blocking my heart, my chest was getting more and more swollen, and my throat was getting more and more uncomfortable, as if something was going to burst my throat. I finally burst into tears, and I turned around to leave his side.However, he still ruthlessly put his hand in front of me, and grabbed my bathrobe fiercely.In my struggle, in his pull, my bathrobe was ripped off by him, but I also broke free from it.Holding the white bathrobe in his hands, he looked at me naked with a pair of horrible eyes, then he threw away the bathrobe and hugged me frantically. I was thrown on the bed by him, naked, with tears streaming down my face.He knelt beside me, looked down at me with a ferocious face, and laughed: what a beautiful body, but a slutty body.He crazily took off his clothes amid wild laughter, and then jumped on me like a ferocious wolf, tearing me, biting me, shaking me, and hitting me. He's still going on and on: You bitch, you bitch, you let other people fuck you.I'm going to kill you today!I'm going to kill you!My body was torn apart by his irrational torture, and my spirit was completely broken by the deep humiliation.I feel that I have become a corpse without dignity, soul, and consciousness, lying there, just as it should be, suffering from a kind of original sin as mentioned in the Bible, just like the ancestor Eve of human beings who tasted the forbidden fruit I have no choice but to bear the fate that I deserved for betraying my lover. In extreme anger and excitement, my husband suddenly strangled my neck and cursed loudly, I really want to kill you.Dirty woman, the farther you go, the better.Then he twitched a few times and stopped moving, let go of my neck almost at the same time, rolled over me like a clumsy bear, and fell asleep.I heard him hum a sentence from his nasal cavity at the last moment of falling asleep, dirty woman. The husband fell asleep, a deep sleep.The blood-red face stimulated by alcohol made me shudder like blood. The scar also showed bright red traces in the black stubble. Strong smell of alcohol.I touched my neck, my mind was full of the words my husband said before going to sleep, dirty woman, dirty woman. The humiliation began to spread throughout the body, like a catalyst, it began to activate all the cells in the already stiff body and soul.I finally came back to life, like a dead body, slowly sat up, slowly shed tears, and slowly began to cry sadly. The light illuminates everything in the room brightly, and there is silence, only the dull and depressing sound of my whimpering wafts from the bed to the surroundings.I saw large and small bruises on my arms, and two ring-shaped tooth marks on my chest that were indistinctly oozing blood, and only then did I feel the pain in my body.This pain is like a little lion gnawing on a bloody animal, bit by bit biting my heart.I think it may not take long for my heart to be eaten away by it.In this piercing pain, bursts of oppression hit my chest, and I felt like a stone was blocked in my chest.But under this stone, there is a young seed growing stubbornly - I want to rush out.This desire is getting stronger and stronger, and it is difficult to control it.I finally escaped from the house. The darkness of the night is like an endless net covering the world tightly, only the neon lights of the city and the stars in the sky are flickering in the darkness, I am walking on the street covered with a layer of mist, Like a bug covered in a big spider's web, facing the fateful future, he is full of pain, but he has no way to escape.I don't know where should I go in the middle of the night?what should I do? There are few pedestrians on the street, only speeding cars come and go, and perhaps people who commute to and from the night shift pass by on bicycles in a hurry.I am like a night walker, or more like an abandoned or lovelorn woman, walking sullenly on the sidewalk in the middle of the night.Pedestrians in the past always cast curious glances when passing by my side, and even taxis always slowed down when they came to my side.I must be special, in such a dark night, on a street with few pedestrians.When yet another taxi slowed down beside me, I finally got in for no reason. Where are you going?The driver asked me, and I also asked myself?So I said take me to any bar!I want to drink beer!I suddenly want to drink. In a dim bar, there are men and women in twos and threes telling some painful or happy stories in bright or dark lights, and sad or happy music.It was still bustling, full of singing and dancing, and there was no sign of late night at all.I chose an unnoticed corner, drinking bitter beer with sad tears.Not far away, two men and a woman seemed to be paying attention to me, and they seemed to be talking about me. I suddenly felt to myself—is it a bit novel for a middle-aged woman to sit in a dark bar drinking alone in the middle of the night? In the occasional glances at that table, I felt the inferiority complex deep inside me.Yes, in the middle of the night, a man can go out drinking alone, but it is not normal for a woman to do so; men are merciful and suave, but women fall in love with another man, but they have to bear the reputation of being promiscuous; women, women like me are in the end What's wrong?When youth is gone, life will inevitably be bleak. When passion is gone, life will be a simple repetition; when children fly away like grown-up birds, careers have been abandoned.Where is the bright spot in a middle-aged woman's life? Perhaps, I should devote myself to my career and enrich myself like many women who are busy with work.However, when I first focused my life on my husband and children, perhaps I was doomed to be sad today.In my middle age, I have tried to change the status quo of work more than once.However, I found that everything was different, and I couldn't change my role in the job; either I left the job and started a new field.However, this is too difficult, and it seems too late, after all, how many women can succeed.In fact, when I look at the women around me, I know that there are many middle-aged women who are as distressed and helpless as I am, but they just stick to the moral code, are willing to be lonely and content with their families, just like my good friends Same as Liang Li.Thinking of this, I have to admit my admiration and respect for them again. As for my emptiness, and the extramarital affairs I encountered because of the emptiness, it may not be a problem. For women born in the 1970s and 1980s, they may think that my painful self-blame is just a ridiculous moan.However, I grew up in the 1960s and 1970s, and the education I received was a traditional education with obvious Confucian culture. For a woman like me, what is more important is the role that society has given me. As a mother, a wife, a daughter, or a public official, everything I do must not violate the requirements of these roles. Even in an era of drastic changes in values ​​and ethics, it is still difficult for us to agree in our hearts. sexual behavior.We still regard chastity as honor, and marital fidelity as life. I sat in that corner, and after drinking two glasses of beer, I began to feel the alcohol seeping from my stomach to every corner of my body. Low self-esteem and timidity also slowly flew away from my mind.I found that the roles and constraints given to me by society, like a loose chain, began to slowly loosen unconsciously with the corrosion of alcohol.So, when the gaze on the table came again, I stared back fiercely. However, instead of intimidating the other party, my reaction had an unexpected ending.Just when I was happy for my boldness and took another big sip, I suddenly saw one of the men standing up with a glass in hand, then turned around and walked towards me.I, who was timid by nature, had a moment of panic, not knowing what his intentions were when he came here. He walked around a circular column with a diameter of nearly one meter. A cluster of red lights on the column flickered past his face, faintly revealing a touch of pride and provocation on his face.But this kind of provocation suddenly aroused the resentment that had accumulated in my heart all night. I picked up the wine glass and drank the wine in one gulp, then looked directly into his eyes like a challenge, waiting for him to come, ready to fight! He came over, stood in front of me, raised his glass and said, hello! I could see clearly that he was standing in front of me, although he was tall and tall, he had an immature face, and the tone of his mouth made it clear that he was actually just a child, twenty years old at most.My tense nerves suddenly relaxed in front of this pretentiously mature face: the person who was full of anger and prepared to fight turned out to be a child who was difficult to call an opponent.I suddenly want to laugh. He sat down, reached out his glass and touched my bottle and said, what? ! His words and deeds made me curious again.This is a new generation of boys that I rarely come into contact with. The cultural and social background they grew up in and the education they received made them two different people from us. They have very different understandings and understandings of family, marriage, love and even themselves.This unexpected contact made me temporarily forget all the troubles and pains just now, and my curiosity about this boy made me accept his proposal. I picked up the wine bottle and poured wine into my empty glass, then raised the glass, Also said dry!We drained our glasses and looked at each other again.I saw the boy opposite suddenly laughed, showing his white teeth.Holding the empty cup braggingly, he proudly said, I won those two idiots! I was dumbfounded, momentarily overwhelmed by his sudden swearing.I've always been behind the times when it comes to swearing.I remember when everyone used the country to call "×××", I just used hateful.When the sound of "silly ×" was heard neatly in Yancheng Stadium, I just used "×××" in my small circle. When I came back to my senses, he had already poured me another drink, and boasted triumphantly about their bet...I suddenly had a feeling of being fooled, and I was astonished at the vulgarity of the boy in front of me, or should it be trendy Disgusted.At this time, he didn't pay attention to my emotions, but said confidently, are you also broken in love?Yep, that's called immaturity!How can this be done now!He put on a sophisticated and vicissitudes of life again, pointed at me with his empty finger and said, look, we never lose love.Come play with us tonight, and I will teach you how to teach that man a lesson... I can't bear it anymore, I feel the alcohol I've drank is bubbling out from every pore, filling my heart with the pain and resentment I just forgot.And he is still talking nonsense excitedly, in fact, there is nothing wrong with falling in love, you must not make yourself sad, you must not be too stupid... Before he could say the next word, I raised the wine glass that was just full , in his complacent face, in the act of preparing to clink glasses again, he suddenly poured a glass of wine on his face.He thought I would clink glasses with him, but in my unexpected move, he stopped his mouth while holding the glass, then stared at a pair of curious and surprised eyes, letting the wine drip down his face.After looking at me for about half a minute, he stood up calmly, then said "stupid x crazy", and left with the drink still dripping all over his face. His chicness and the last sentence "stupid x crazy" angered me again, I followed him recklessly, when I passed the pillar, the colored lights on the pillar flashed in front of my eyes several times. I almost fell down, but I tried my best to keep my balance, walked to his table with a grin, and in the excited eyes of his partner who didn't understand why, I yelled at him angrily: You are stupid! Then I staggered out of the bar and onto the street.There was a cool wind rushing towards my face, mixed with stars and rain, I just stood on the street facing the night wind of stars and rain and cried without covering it. The rain gradually became heavier. Under the illumination of the street lamps, it looked like strands of golden threads falling from the sky, and it was also like the long strands of strands of countless ghosts hanging from the locust tree under the sunlight in summer.I walked aimlessly in the rain, crying, I walked past an entertainment city, passed a large shopping mall, then turned the corner and walked to another street.Thin and dense raindrops drifted on my face with the wind, mixed with the tears on my face, and I began to feel colder and colder.After drowsily sleepwalking through a large parking lot and subconsciously skirting an advertising sign with a picture of a giant wine bottle, I stopped abruptly and stopped in front of an IC phone.At this time, the purpose deep in my heart began to become clear: I want to call him! When I found this craving in myself, I couldn't control it.I don't know if he's asleep at this point, but I don't want to worry about it.Because I drank too much, and people forgive drunk people.The reason came to my mind. The phone rang once, twice, three times, and someone answered.Hello, it's a thick male voice.I called out, Teacher Sima.The other party suddenly yelled, calling indiscriminately in the middle of the night, you are sick. I froze there, what's going on?I couldn't react for a moment.Does Sima Xiao hate me?I leaned against the telephone pole, looked at the foggy streetlight in front of me, and tried to recall the voice just now, did I make a mistake?At last I was convinced that I had made the wrong call. On that night, I didn't know why I was so defiant, so fighting.I was very angry about what happened to the phone just now, so I picked up the receiver again and pressed the redial button. After a burst of speed dialing sound, the voice from just now came from the receiver again, and I didn't wait for him to ask questions. , Open your mouth and start scolding fiercely, you call me crazy, I call you a bastard!Silly ×!Next, I hung up the phone quickly like a mischievous kid doing something bad.When my fluttering cursing just fell in the dark, I actually laughed out loud with tears hanging down my face, because of the words I had just learned, and also because of my vengeful spirit and depravity.I thought it must be scary for a lonely woman standing on the street laughing in the middle of the night, because I clearly saw a taxi coming from a distance slow down, and he must be trying to pull me.But when the driver who stuck his head out of the car window saw my expression clearly, he retracted his head quickly, and then stepped on the accelerator, and the car ran away at a high speed amidst my laughter. I slowly stopped laughing, but the tears flowed more fiercely.Next, I found that I was no longer weak.I was thinking in my heart, isn't it just a phone call?What's the big deal?I dialed the number again, number by number, which I will never forget until my death, and the ringtone rang again, once, twice, three times, also three times, and someone answered.A voice came, it was Sima Xiao.I want to say hello politely, excuse me.But I found myself still vulnerable the moment I heard him.In his voice, all my actions were tears and weeping.On the other side, he panicked, what's wrong, don't cry.He kept talking like coaxing a child, don't cry, don't cry, what's wrong, what's wrong?Under his constant questioning, I finally cried and said something I didn't want to say in advance, it's okay, I just miss you!Before I finished saying this sentence, I felt that I couldn't control my voice. I burst into tears and stood on the street. There was a silence on the other side, and in this silence I cried until I was confused.Finally my voice died down and I heard him.He said, your mobile phone has been turned off, and I cannot contact you. I have called and written to your home, but I can't find you.I thought you had something wrong, or regretted it.He suddenly remembered something and asked me where I was.When he heard me say that he was on the street, he was taken aback and asked uncomfortably, what happened?I'm still saying it's okay because my crying makes it impossible for me to continue talking, and I don't want him to know about me.He anxiously urged me to go home and take care of myself, and he said he would visit me sometime.Before hanging up the phone, he asked me to write to him again.I nodded, knowing he couldn't see, but I nodded desperately. The phone hung up, and I stood there still staring at that cold and blunt guy with tears streaming down my face, like a dream.I suddenly remembered a science fiction film "The Flyman", in which a scientist invented a machine that transports living people.So I stared at the hard pavilion in front of me again, hoping that it was the machine, so that I could dial Sima Xiao's phone and teleport myself to his room, or even his bed... Even if I was transmitted I would like to be a fly, as long as I can see him and feel him now. A beam of light shone over, and the slight sound of driving cars entered the ears.I woke up suddenly from my reverie and saw a taxi parked on the side of the road, and the driver was sticking his head out to me.Like an appointment, I got into the driver's car under the expectation of the driver.I was going to go home, back to the husband who made me love and helpless.But when the driver asked me for my address, my thoughts suddenly turned around, and the address of my home suddenly changed. I heard myself tell the driver, find an Internet cafe! I don't know if the swearing tonight, calling Sima Xiao, and then going to the Internet cafe to wait is true, as people say, that self-control will become worse after drinking.But at that time, I was only obsessed with remembering the words that Sima Xiao said to write to him.I seem to have forgotten the poisonous oath I made in my heart not to contact Sima Xiao. Even if I remember, I think that at that moment, I had already given up on my future life. The driver took me around a lot before I found an Internet cafe.Like a sleepwalker, I walked in lightly under the suspicious eyes of the Internet cafe owner.I went online and opened my mailbox, and I saw four unread emails.My eyes started to get wet again.I opened one by one, read one by one, and tears flowed one by one.The last one made me almost overwhelmed. I had forgotten everything and only one thought swelled in my mind.I want to tell him I haven't forgotten him, I want to tell him that I not only still love him, but I love him terribly.Let the poisonous oath, let the marriage, let everything that prevents me from thinking about him now stand aside! Dear, I want to call you like this. I know that I am a very weak woman, but I didn't realize until I met you: I am not only weak, I am simply vulnerable in front of you.You and everything about you, I can't refuse at all, I can't forget, and I can't let go.In the dead of night, I was in pain and sleepless because I loved you, and I burst into tears because I missed you.Although facing the society and my conscience, I tried to wrap myself up again and again to regain my reason and self.However, as long as all the determinations and decisions meet you, they will be shattered by your gentle greeting.You are like a magical magician, or like a magical hypnotist, time and time again making me lose my will and self, and follow you like a ghost into a world with fatal temptation. Everything is predestined, everything is due to fate.I don't know whether I should thank God or thank you for letting me meet you; I don't know whether I should hate fate or hate myself for letting me meet you so late.I don't want to wake up from this dream, and I don't want to get rid of everything that fate has given me.No matter how my fate punishes me in the future, I will never refuse again, and no matter how great the disaster will be in the future, I will have no complaints or regrets!Love you!Never ending!