Chapter 6 Chapter Four

A loving woman is happy. However, my love grows under the wheels of happiness. Although I am full of passion, I am crushed all over my body. However, I have not repented at all.Because of this romantic love, that spring day seemed to me like a gorgeous young woman, every pore seemed to exude a sweet fragrance of flowers, and her whole body exuded a plump and mature passion, which immersed the whole city in a kind of Manic and restless.All the media are bombarded by travel agencies with all kinds of beautiful signboards. Couples tours, romantic tours, mountain tours, ecological tours, etc. make people feel excited and keep counting the money in their bags.Yes, the "May 1st" seven-day long holiday is indeed a rare and good time for urbanites who have been tired for several months to relax.But I, who had never been interested in travel, became even more indifferent because of my new passion.When people were discussing how to travel and how to go on vacation, I was like an innocent girl writing love letters in the house to express my feelings, and making long-distance calls to express my thoughts.After sending out a love poem email, I regret it again and again, because every time I send it out, I realize that I have passed the age of writing love poems.However, whenever the passion surges, I find it hard to control myself.

When the whole city was filled with more and more festive atmosphere with the coming of "May 1st", a kind of uneasiness began to grow in my heart inexplicably, and I smelled a dangerous atmosphere coming. Approaching.This kind of breath is like the fragrance of spring flowers, which is always wrapped around, and it is getting stronger and stronger, lingering.Colleagues in the unit have already made various vacation arrangements, and the husband and daughter are happily discussing travel.But the anxiety in my heart made me dull about it, and I rejected my husband and daughter's travel plan on the grounds that I was not feeling well.In my disappointment, my husband couldn't control his daughter's crying and decided to travel.So I had up to four days alone.I bought enough groceries and wished I could hide in the upstairs room and dream my favorite dreams, and during these four days, the curse of my fate came with my uneasiness.

At nine o'clock in the morning on "May 1st", the husband went out with his daughter who was chattering because of excitement, carrying a travel bag.I sat in the quiet room, full of guilt.This kind of guilt originally stemmed from stepping on her daughter's little slippers when they closed the door and turned around to send them away.When I lowered my head and saw my daughter's crooked little shoes and my husband's big slippers next to me, my heart suddenly fluctuated.I know how much my daughter wants to go with me, and I also know that my purpose of refusing her is actually one, that is, I am afraid that I will not be able to contact my lover when I go out.

Looking at the two pairs of slippers at the door, I felt more and more uneasy. After all, it was the first time since my daughter was born that she went out alone with her father.So, I picked up the phone and started nagging my husband not to let my daughter take a bath in the hotel tub, not to let my daughter sleep naked at night, and not to let her sit on the urinal... The husband finally got impatient and urgent, since it was so uncomfortable Don't worry, why don't you come?Then there is a beeping busy tone. Putting down the phone, I walked despondently from the living room to the kitchen, trying to clear the table, but what I saw only added to my sadness.The daughter's milk cup and her husband's milk cup were quietly placed on the kitchen table. Bread crumbs and egg skins were randomly scattered around the cups, creating a mess.The husband with eyes full of displeasure and the daughter who swept me over and over again with pleading eyes could not help but float in front of my eyes.Against this backdrop, the deep disappointment with oneself and the regret that comes with that disappointment began to writhe and twist in the body like a snake.

There was silence in the room, and the silence was a bit uncomfortable.I walked slowly from the dining room to the bedroom, from the bedroom to the living room, to my daughter's bedroom, the whole room was filled with the sound of my slippers kicking, the sound was lazy and loose like a summer afternoon The sound of the hooves of the old ox cart pulling heavy loads under the sun is desolate and helpless.Suddenly I found myself not knowing what to do or what to think.Two rows of wild geese flew past outside the window, and there were a few vague calls.Invisibly added a bit of pressure and sadness to the dazed me.

I slowly closed the heavy red curtains, so all the bright sunshine, warm spring breeze and festive joy were left outside.The house immediately became a sea of ​​red, deep and warm, with an elusive breath of slow waves.I am like a wandering ghost in the red sea, with no home, no sustenance, no direction, and my perceptual thinking drifts around with the wind direction of the sea.Maybe at a certain dawn, at a certain dusk, at a certain noon, I will sink or float up, waiting for fate, waiting for God, waiting for opportunity, waiting for fate. As usual, I turned on the computer and opened the mailbox, and a letter from Sima Xiao came into view.I can't help being moved.

In addition to telling his thoughts, Sima Xiao also said that he was rushing to write a paper for an academic seminar, and asked me how I spent "May Day". How am I doing?Throw the child and husband aside, and taste love by yourself?Taste loneliness?What's the point?I suddenly felt that I was doing something absurd again, something that might be very romantic for a little girl, but definitely absurd for a middle-aged woman.I don't know how to answer his questions, and therefore don't know how to reply to his letters. Bored, I stood up from the computer, and the mirror on the diagonally opposite wall reflected me in a white nightgown.In the dark room, the white nightdress was like a sketch, shadowy, illusory, like a white ghost, and like an empty white dress fluttering, flying, and spinning, I opened my eyes wide, He stepped forward to identify it, it was a thin, fragile woman, a woman who was obviously not a young woman, with vicissitudes, sensitivity, melancholy, sadness, loneliness, and boredom on her face... Is that me?A woman who doesn't seem happy?

I lay decadent on the bed, staring at the empty ceiling.The phone rang, and I didn't bother to answer it, but it rang stubbornly, one after another.I finally picked up the receiver impatiently, and heard my mother asking me if I would go home and have a look, I said no, I still have something to do.I didn't bother to tell her about the outing with my husband and daughter, otherwise I would have to explain why I didn't go with her for a long time.Hanging up the phone, I lay on the bed again, letting my thoughts fly or sleep. When I was about to fall asleep, the phone rang again.I answered the phone angrily, and it turned out to be Sima Xiao.I was so excited that it was almost difficult to breathe.In his whisper-soft voice, I behaved like a toddler who just learned to speak, incoherent and stammering, but not knowing what I was talking about.I must tell him that this "May Day" is only me.Because I heard him say excitedly, how about we get together once?I heard him anxiously questioning and looking forward to it.I seem to agree to say okay, I still remember him saying, I will arrange to go to your place as soon as possible.

After I put down the phone, I fully realized the meaning of the conversation just now—we decided on another date within a minute or even less than a minute.That moment seemed like an unreal dream, so I had to try my best to recall the details of the conversation just now, and recall his voice, to be sure that the phone call just now was real and beyond doubt. When I hung up the phone, the first thing I thought of was that I would dress myself up beautifully, and I would buy myself beautiful clothes.So, I washed up, dressed and rushed out the door. The corridor of the festival is dark and silent, just like my room, only the sound of my high-heeled shoes hitting the air and walls.Rushing through the turning of the stairs, a ray of light from the window seemed to be frightened by my running, and countless tiny dust particles flew up and down, unwinding. My head rushed through the dust, but my nose seemed to have sucked it. Countless dust particles entered, and I sneezed again and again for a while, and then a beam of bright light passed by like lightning, my eyes went dark, and I almost fell down.

After rushing out of the building, a dazzlingly white world unfolded in front of my eyes. I found the world so splendid and the festivals so prosperous. I was full of surprises, curiosity, bewilderment and emotion like a gopher that had just crawled out of its burrow after hibernating for a season.At the bottom of the opposite wall that I never noticed before, there are a few green weeds quietly growing, standing conspicuously in the sunlight as if there is no one else around.There is a layer of thin, fluffy white hairs on the thin and narrow leaves, shining a charming clean white light under the sunlight, like a few slim young female students.

Riding a bicycle like a fish swimming in the crowd, the mood becomes cheerful, bright, bright like the beautiful sunshine.I feel that I am a happy woman, a woman who is loved and loved.Now I have truly experienced what it means for a woman to please herself. Thinking about it carefully, it seems that I have never deliberately groomed myself because of my husband, let alone bought any clothes specially for my husband.Because I have formed such a mindset from the very beginning: no matter what I am, my husband will love me deeply, and no matter how I do not groom, my husband will never dislike me.However, for Sima Xiao, I seem to have always had an uncontrollable passion.For the first time in my life, I care about a man, how he feels about me, what he thinks of me, and how he feels about me. I can't restrain myself from catering to him, flattering him, or even fawning on him. In the crowd, I was pushed into the shopping mall with a huge flow of people, and was rushed upstairs. I changed from a fish swimming with my head submerged into a water bird floating in a sea of ​​dazzling clothes, looking around, dizzying.Amidst the courteous voice of the sales lady, I finally chose the clothes.When I walked through all kinds of beautiful underwear wardrobes, a set of pink silk underwear was beautiful, subtle but romantic, and touched my passionate heart. When looking at this set of underwear, I had to try my best to hide the sudden shyness. I subconsciously began to imagine Sima Xiao's eyes when he saw me wearing this underwear, and the excitement of cheating instantly stained my cheeks. .However, almost at the same time, I also felt guilty for my shameless imagination and excitement.No one paid attention to my emotional changes, but I still had a guilty conscience, bought the clothes and quickly left the underwear shelf area.While walking through the men's clothing counter in a mall, a male model in an advertisement reminded me of my lover, and I thought he would look good in the male model's shirt.So I spent what I had and spent almost a month's salary to buy a shirt and tie for Sima Xiao. In the evening I received a call from him again, and he said that he had bought a ticket and would be there at 2:00 pm.My mood was extremely excited with his voice.I couldn't stop imagining the reunion the next day, imagining my lover's passion and body.When I woke up the next morning, I was in a state of excitement and excitement, and I saw myself flushed and refreshed.I know it's mainly because the night before, because I prepared sleeping pills first, I slept more peacefully. The red curtains were still hanging tightly, and the warm lamp was turned on in the room, and the whole outside world was far away.I feel like a happy and restless bride waiting for her wedding.Standing in front of the mirror, I tried on the newly bought dresses and underwear over and over again, changed my hairstyle over and over again, and fantasized about meeting each other over and over again. While waiting impatiently, I kept looking at the clock on the wall, hoping that the two hands, like dead black bugs, would move faster, but time seemed to stand still.The excitement and the anxiety of waiting quickly made my emotions more and more tense. When the two damn hands finally climbed to twelve o'clock, I was actually moved. Thank goodness!The morning is finally over, and I can't help but let out a sigh of relief.It doesn't matter if it's easy, the stomach can't wait to open its big mouth and black stomach like a hungry ghost smelling the smell of food, and makes a grunting sound without shyness, followed by tight and uncomfortable contractions.It occurred to me that I hadn't eaten anything since morning.I trotted and dragged my slippers and ran to the kitchen, took out all kinds of food, including ham, sandwiches, milk, and then trotted back to the bed in the bedroom, cross-legged like a homeless man Sitting on the bed and eating and drinking.In the process of this gust of wind and clouds, my flat stomach gradually became fuller.I'm stuffed. Lying next to the pile of wrapping paper, my eyes are fascinated, waiting helplessly again for the old man to stumble step by step towards two o'clock.It would be great if time was a child, because children don't walk slowly, they always bounce around like a monkey.Thinking of this, I couldn't help laughing at my stupid idea.The phone rang, shaking every corner and everything in the silent room, including the heart that had become fragile from long-awaited anticipation.I sat up in a jerk and jumped to the phone. It must be Sima Xiao. His train may be ahead of schedule, or he may not be sure about the time. I picked up the phone and said "Hello" in a trembling voice, but a strange male voice came from the phone.I couldn't help being disappointed, my voice immediately became cold and hard, who are you looking for? He said, looking for you. My brain flicked through memory, but still nothing.Talked to the other side, he said you forgot me?I came back from Tianjiang with you.It dawned on me.He asked if he remembered his name, and I was speechless, I couldn't remember it.In fact, on the third or fourth day after returning from Yancheng, I once received a call from him. I just said hello and hung up after a few brief sentences.Since then, I hardly ever think about him again. He politely said on the phone that he had finished handling the company's affairs in the past two days, and he was not busy on May 1st. He wanted to talk to someone, so he thought of me.I had no choice but to apologize and tell him that I really have something to do today, and I hope to talk about it another day.He said a few polite words, said goodbye and hung up. It was one o'clock at last, and I couldn't lie down any longer. The ticking of the clock seemed to be his footsteps coming up the stairs.I was so annoyed by this sound that I thought I had to find something to pass the time and divert my attention. I turn on the TV and eat a pack of snacks.Just when I was eating, I suddenly remembered something, which shocked me a lot: I haven't washed and put on makeup yet.Like a rabbit seeing a hunter, I jumped up and rushed to the bathroom.I took a shower for fifteen minutes and then put on my makeup.I saw in the mirror that my face was pale with anxiety, but my eyes were sparkling and I looked very young.I feel a little comfort.So she lightly painted eyeshadow, put on lipstick, and matched it with the flesh-pink underwear she just bought. I stood in front of the full-length mirror again, stretching my posture. A young woman with a slender figure and a delicate face is as smooth, fresh, mature, romantic and charming as a lotus emerging from water.I couldn't help being ashamed of my own praise.I hope Sima Xiao can say the same about me. The mirror reflected that the clock on the opposite wall pointed to a quarter to two, and I hurriedly put on my new dress.It was a pair of pink pullover short-sleeved sweaters and a black knee-length mid-length thin fur skirt based on white, and then put on a pair of small half-height black leather shoes. A sense of propriety. Time slipped away quietly in self-appreciation.I noticed that it was two o'clock sharp, and I had everything packed. I sat by the phone and waited for it to ring.The sound of the clock was ticking, ticking, louder and louder, and my heart was beating with this rhythm. This kind of movement made me feel like I had grown two hearts, inside and outside, and they were at the same time. It hit my tight and fragile nerves forcefully.When I was staring at the phone, out of the corner of my eye I could clearly see the sweater on my left chest rising and falling with the sound of the clock, like a restless little rabbit in my chest. It's been five minutes since the phone was put down. I picked up the phone and listened. The phone is fine.Another ten minutes later, still no call.I suddenly became frightened, what happened?Did he temporarily change his mind?The car is late?I wanted to call him, but he didn't have a cell phone, he thought cell phones deprived a person of his freedom.So I had no way to contact him, which reminded me of turning off my cell phone when I got to Tianjiang.I can't help but smile wryly. The phone finally arrived in my anticipation, and the feeling at that moment made me feel as if I had been looking forward to it for a century. I almost heard the beating sound of the heart in my body surpassing the heart outside.Softly and calmly, he told me his hotel and room number, and said not to keep him waiting too long.I heard my voice hoarse and trembling with excitement, and I said, wait for me, I'll be there soon. Finally, I looked in the mirror, put on my bag, and rushed out the door.When I rushed to the third floor like a whirlwind, I realized that I had forgotten an important thing: I had promised to stay with him for one night, so the next morning I had to wash and wash my cosmetics.So he rushed back to the room like a monkey with his butt on fire, loaded up the washing supplies and cosmetics, and finally did not forget to stand in front of the mirror and take a look, and combed his hair again before rushing out of the room. When I walked out of the building, I realized that I had lost my mind for a long time.I readjusted my expression and restored my previous demeanor - calm and gentle.It made me feel hypocritical and shameless.I feel inferior to myself that I am a very bad woman in my bones, but what makes me look down on myself even more is that I pretend to be a gentle lady in front of people.At that moment, I thought that this kind of woman was not as good as a superficially slutty woman, because she dared to be consistent.This thought made me feel extremely contemptuous and disdainful of myself again. On the opposite side, a male colleague and some friends were walking back from the outside. When they saw me, they smiled and said, so pretty, are you dating?I was shocked.Not knowing how to answer, I just smiled shyly. When I came to the side of the road, I took a taxi smoothly. When I told the driver the name of the hotel, the young driver said cheerfully, it is a very famous hotel that ranks among the top few in the city, very It's a rip off, but it's very luxurious. When I have money, I'll go there to enjoy it. The driver pointed at me while talking, which made me afraid that the driver would mistake me for a lady or something.I looked carefully at the reflective mirror in front of the car, and I saw my refreshing appearance reflected in it, like a well-educated lady with knowledge and temperament, without the vicissitudes of a prostitute.Once again, I feel that I am not ugly, but I usually don't care about dressing up too much. The driver must have been bored when no one was talking. When someone was listening, he would not miss the opportunity to complain about the poor order of the road conditions, the unreasonable fines imposed by the traffic police, and the difficulty of doing business.He shook his head in front of me every time he said a bad thing, as if he wanted to shake the bad things away.There was constant chatter on the intercom in the front, as if something had happened there.He muttered that something must have happened to some buddy. At the entrance of the hotel, I got out of the car in the sound of the driver's eldest sister walking.Facing this tall building, the feeling of guilt made me wonder: Will someone question me?Will someone take me for a miss?Although common sense tells me that this kind of star-rated hotel is usually extremely polite to guests and avoids interrogation as much as possible, but when I walked into the lobby and walked past the security guards and the front desk, I still couldn't help muttering and trembling in my heart.I had the courage to force myself to walk over with graceful steps.When I walked into the elevator and found that I was alone, I couldn't help but let out a long sigh.Looking at myself in the mirror in the elevator, I feel good about myself again.This self-confidence encouraged me and made me start to feel comfortable. Stepping out of the elevator, I stepped onto a long corridor covered with red carpets. The dim ceiling lights emitted serene and warm light, shining on the red carpet and the powder wall, and shining on my body, a kind of red mystery and romance pervaded around.In this peaceful and secluded atmosphere, I feel like I am walking on a beautiful path leading to a dream world. I finally stood at the door of his concealed room.The moment I knocked on the door, I suddenly had an idea: I want to frighten this scholar and see how his mental quality is.The idea of ​​a practical joke appealed to me immediately.So, I stood quietly one meter away from the door, called his room phone, and whispered sorry, I couldn't go.After I finished saying this, I heard his soft and quiet voice suddenly low and rapid, his voice was hoarse and he said in great disappointment, why?what happened to you?His disappointed tone touched my tenderness suddenly, and I suddenly realized what a cruel joke it was.I pushed open the door desperately.I saw him stop in mid-air with the phone in his hand.He stared at me blankly, as if he hadn't recovered.For nearly ten seconds, he maintained this posture, staring at me intently.Then he suddenly exclaimed and threw the phone on the bed, rushed over quickly, and hugged me. You little goblin, little witch, little woman, little woman, little girl, little girl... He yelled wildly a series of times, hugging me and spinning around.I was turned round and round in his arms, and the whole room was spinning and turning rapidly before my eyes.The mirror on the wall is like a river flying up and down in the mountains, constantly reflecting various scenes, the bed is being erected, and the ceiling lamp is being inverted.The sofa was rolling in front of my eyes, and the bedside lamp was also rolling a few times... My mind became chaotic under the impact of his passionate waves, like a foggy morning in autumn, a vast expanse of whiteness.I can only feel a torrent constantly flowing in my body, this torrent is like an undercurrent in the depths of the sea agitated by a mysterious force, rising higher and higher, faster and faster, constantly rushing to the surface of the sea, and finally breaking through the sea like a fountain And out, rush out a few meters high.I groaned loudly. Sima Xiao finally put me on the bed, and the rotation speed of the ceiling in my eyes gradually weakened.Finally, when I opened my eyes again, I saw the ceiling lamp quietly hanging above Sima Xiao's body, shining with crystal light.The lake-blue curtains on the opposite wall hang down thickly, densely blocking the strong afternoon sunlight outside, and immersing the room in a cool and hazy world like the bottom of the sea. Sima Xiao was leaning over me, panting, his eyes bright.I heard him muttering never to be so cruel again, little woman?With moist eyes, I nodded vigorously.He gently kissed my forehead and continued talking. I didn't expect such a gentle little woman to make such a vicious joke. You scared me, you know?Under his tender gaze, I felt extremely happy.I kept repeating sorry, I will never do this again. He gently hugged me into his arms and slowly fell on the bed.I put my hands around his neck and put my face on his chest. I clearly heard his heart beating like a heavy drum, accompanied by a seductive manly aura on his body, which made me feel His heartbeat started to fluctuate. He suddenly sat up, picked me up, and put me face to face on his lap, then he held my face in his broad and gentle hands, looked into my eyes for a long time and affectionately, as if he wanted to embed his eyes in my eyes. in my eyes. He said, you must be a goblin, otherwise why would you let me do such absurd things, you let me—a very rational and serious scholar, a half-grown old man who has been calm for many years, run away from hundreds of miles away Came just to have a date with you.In his whisper, in his gentle touch, my heart is filled with incomparable happiness and joy.In front of him, under his pampering, I feel like a petite girl, cheerful and romantic.I rubbed his rough stubble with my hands, and said mischievously, you must be a big devil, otherwise how could you let me, such a traditional and reserved woman, give up all the principles of life for a half-old man, Give up all family fun on a nice vacation and run away from home just to see you. He opened his mouth wide and smiled with white teeth, picked me up again and threw me on the bed, then he leaned back and lay beside me.He stretched his limbs comfortably, and said loudly: Life can be so wonderful, and love can be so romantic! The two words he said in passing touched me immediately.I am not only grateful: the same job for many years, endless housework, children and husband... seem to be the only content of my life.No matter how the outside world changes, my life remains unchanged. No matter how wonderful the outside world is, my life is still empty.Although I was excited by applauding the brilliant life on TV, in books and even the few around me many times, I never thought that I would also experience some emotional glory.At that moment, I really thanked God and my fate for allowing me to have this extraordinary experience, even if it was as short as a shooting star passing through the sky. In the evening, we went to the restaurant downstairs for dinner.When the waiter led us to the floor-to-ceiling windows, I suddenly noticed that there seemed to be a familiar face not far away. I looked again, and it was the husband of my old classmate Liang Li.However, it was not Liang Li who was with him, but another younger woman.I stood there stupidly, and for a quarter of an hour I didn't know whether I should continue to move forward or avoid it.Because their behavior makes anyone see that their relationship is not ordinary.Amidst Sima Xiao's doubts, I came to my senses, and then, in a hurry, I said that I didn't like being at the glass window.So Sima Xiao and the unhappy waiter followed me to another corner in a hurry. In that corner, I watched their actions from time to time.When they finally finished their meal and walked towards the exit, I don't know where a force came from, stood up from the table and followed quickly.At that time, the swollen thought in my heart was, I want to warn him not to go too far!I followed, and when I reached the stairs, Liang Li's husband had already turned around with his arms around the woman's waist.At the moment when their backs disappeared, when I was about to speed up and run, I suddenly felt that I was making an unforgivable mistake.What are my qualifications?what am i doing nowAs soon as this thought came up, I suddenly became flustered and short of breath, feeling like a dog that fell into the water, and I have no right to care about whether others get ashore or not. I walked back frustrated, and ate in silence under Sima Xiao's curious eyes.While eating the food in front of him, he asked me who I saw with concern.After swallowing a mouthful of warm, soft Japanese tofu, I said with great anger and injustice, my best friend's husband and a woman.Next, I expressed my dissatisfaction again, I said, a couple of dogs and men. When I cursed out this sentence, I was stunned, and Sima Xiao, who was on the opposite side, also looked at me in surprise.Then he laughed, and he took a napkin and wiped his face, looked at me and said, what about us?Also dogs and men?I stopped in a daze, tongue-tied, not knowing how to answer. He picked up a long choy sum with chopsticks, opened his mouth wide and swallowed it, and began to chew with his cheeks.In my panic, his thick Adam's apple gulped up and down. He put down his chopsticks, squinted his eyes and looked at me and said, what's the matter?freaked out?Didn't expect to be included in this rank? I'm still at a loss.In my reason, even in my instinct, I hate betrayal and deception.However, I have to admit that I am already one of them. Don't you think we are very happy?Don't you think this is a very beautiful realm?Sima Xiao was already aware of my psychological changes, he stretched out his hand and gently squeezed my hand, the warmth in his hand felt like a gust of air flowed into my body, and I felt my heart heat up. I don't know how to answer, because I can't deny the happiness and joy brought by this kind of deep-rooted love, and I can't deny that this is a state of beauty.But in a certain corner of my consciousness, I feel that this kind of happiness is carrying a heavier and heavier shackle, and it is bit by bit piercing into the flesh, although the happiness is also dripping blood. After paying the bill, Sima Xiao stretched out his long arm and patted my hand that was turning over the drink cup and said, what program are we arranging?I say no, because I really don't know what we should do.He said we're going to drink tea?Or take a walk?I still say listen to him. He said, well, let's go. I followed him into the spring night, into a colorful curtain woven by red, green and green neon lights. The spring is as thick as wine, and the moon is as light as water. I am like a light and happy butterfly flying in the dark tone of the curtain.Sima Xiao hugged my waist and fiddled with me with uneven force like he was hugging a big carrot.I was still bumping beside him, jumping and staggering like a cute cartoon animal.Because he is too tall and his steps are too big. When he noticed that I was exhausted because of his big and tall gait, he stopped and said a little sheepishly, sorry, I don't seem to be able to walk slowly anymore.He said that for so many years, he was always busy, writing articles, studying abroad, and teaching students... He said that it is only now that he finds that enjoying life is so happy.However, his clumsy walks and his clumsy hugs still make me happy. When we walked about 200 meters, he stopped suddenly, turned around and looked at me with bright eyes and said, shall we go to the suburbs? I was at a loss as to what he meant by going to the suburbs?What are you doing in the suburbs this big night? Before I could understand, he quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the sidewalk.Then, in my doubts, I reached out and stopped a taxi.I heard him tell the driver, go down this road until you reach the suburbs. The car slowly entered the traffic flow, increased its horsepower, and slid forward like a smooth fish in the beautiful neon lights on both sides of the street.I listened to the brisk music in the car in the scholar's arm, feeling like a dream.Although the idea of ​​scholars going to the outskirts is still a bit foggy, although there is still a lot I don't understand about the scholars in front of me, I still hope that this is a dream that I will never wake up, no matter where my scholars take me, no matter my scholars What do you want me to do, even no matter how rough the future is, as long as my scholars can stay by my side forever. The car slowly drove out of the bustling urban area, the dreamy colors and bright lights that are unique to urban nights are fading and fading little by little. There is a taste of the countryside in the cool wind that comes.My hand, which has been tightly held by the scholar, has been soaked with sweat, and my sensitive heart is becoming fluttering with this wonderful journey under the silent and affectionate gaze of the scholar. The speed of the vehicle continued to increase, and the number of vehicles on the road gradually decreased. The sparse buildings on both sides of the road flew backwards like huge black bats in front of the eyes.The academic finally stopped the driver at an intersection ahead. Sima Xiao walked down first, then took my hand with one hand and put his arm around my waist with the other, and took me out of the car.At that moment, as I stood in the darkness and watched the cab turn and flee like a big black terrier, I felt a sudden tinge of fear.I clutched the scholar's hand tightly, as if afraid of being left behind. The scholar laughed, it seems that you are really a little woman, a little woman who needs care and protection.You know how much I like this feeling.I raised my head and saw the eyes behind my scholar's sparkling glasses looking at me affectionately. I was moved and hugged him again, and then walked towards the wheat field under his guidance. There is a thick green and rich wheat field under our feet, and the ridges and ridges stretch out neatly into the distance, and then they are connected into one piece, like a romantic and soft huge carpet, laying out our romantic stories. As if we knew that a couple of lovers would come here to talk about love in the middle of the night, there was something gray and white protruding from the dark wheat field in a place not far from the road. When we walked over, It was found that it was an abandoned dry well with a pool next to it.We cheered at the same time, and when I was about to sit on the edge of the pool next to him like my scholar, he suddenly stretched out his hands and half hugged me on his lap. There is a crescent moon in the night sky walking through the clouds, hiding for a while, and revealing for a while.I felt shy and awkward on Sima Xiao's lap.当他把我的身子扭过去面对他时，我脸上被他鼻腔里呼出的温热的气息撩拨得身心荡漾。 想没想过嫁给我？司马啸紧紧搂着我的腰，将嘴几乎贴到了我的耳边，充满激情地问了我这样的一个问题。 我愣了一下，不知如何回答。因为从开始到现在，尽管我对他的爱日益深厚，尽管在分别的日子里我越来越思念他，但我似乎真得不曾考虑过这样的问题，我不知道是我仍然深爱丈夫的缘故，还是觉得我与司马啸的距离，其中包括地域上或者社会地位上的距离太大的缘故，抑或是由于道德约束的缘故，反正在我的脑子里似乎不曾想过这样的事情。 想到这里，我只好如实地回答他说，没有想过。 司马啸身体向后一仰，眼睛直直地望着我，问道，为什么，对我哪里不满？ 我不知如何回答他的问题，只好简短地说道，因为我们都是有家的人，所以我们没有资格谈婚论嫁，所以这对我们来说是一个太复杂的问题。 他微微笑了笑，将我更紧地搂了搂，然后，他沉默了下来。我想肯定是我的话触到了我们内心的最痛处，触到了我们良心最脆弱的地方，还有我们这种关系最忌讳的地方。其实，我们都知道，我们一直在躲避甚至逃避面对着的正是这样的问题：我们岂止是没有资格谈婚论嫁的，我们甚至连谈情说爱的资格都已经没有了，就像今天这样，我们已经违背了道德，背叛了家庭和爱人，甚至违背了做人原则。也正因为如此，我们的爱不能展示在春天的阳光下，我们的相约不能享受繁华都市的浪漫风情。我们只能避开人群，避开阳光，避开一些让我们良心和道德有可能难以承受的东西，悄悄地在人际稀少的地方享受我们的情感。尽管这也是一种情调，尽管这也是一种浪漫，但它却是浸染着浓厚的伤感，负载着的是沉重的良心遣责。 微风仍然在轻柔地吹着，从我背后腰间上衣的缝隙里柔情地滑动着，像司马啸温暖的手，而清水一样的月光也在悄无声息地从高空中流泄下来，在我们的周围幻化着一种忧伤的浪漫。我嗅着麦苗和泥土的芳香，在司马啸一时的沉默里也变得有些伤情。 他终于说话了，声调变得忧伤暗淡。其实，在情窦刚开时，我就曾有过这样的一个梦想：在新婚的日子，我能从婚礼的殿堂上，抱着我娇小迷人的新娘走过红红的长毯，走到我们的婚床……在以后日子里，她像一只可爱的小鸟，伴在我的左右。 他慢慢抬起头，望着远处深不可测的蒙蒙灰夜流露出一丝忧郁，还有一种神往，似乎那里有他的梦一般，他像沉醉在其中一样，继续说着：我回家后，她能像一阵风一样轻柔地来到身边送来一个吻；我出门时，她能依恋地拥抱我。我成功时，她能为我庆祝，我失败时，她能安慰我鼓励我。在平淡的日子里，她能给我浪漫和激情，在庸俗的家务中，她能让我脱身安心工作。我知道这个梦永远只能是梦，因为它太不实际了。但尽管如此，我仍然愿意我的生活里有这样的成份，那怕只有这个梦的一丝一毫的影子。 他再次沉默了下来，将眼光收回来，像对自己或者是对命运表示不满似的摇了摇头，轻叹了一声，盯着我的眼睛说道，你知道我的婚姻吗？ 我已被眼前和周围的情绪所感染，如梦游者一样摇着头。从相识到现在，他很少提及他的婚姻和他的妻子，我只知道他妻子在国外，他们长期分居。 就像人们所说，命运真的喜欢捉弄人。他轻轻地将凉凉的脸贴在我的脸上，继续着刚才的话题，我不知道我为什么选择了这样的婚姻和妻子。那时，我似乎忘了我的梦，或者也许是自己认为那只能算是梦的缘故吧，我当时像许多男女一样，很现实地注重对方的身高，容貌，学历，能力，我现在想来我那时就像一个公司经理选择自己的女秘书一样，选了一个以上各方面条件都很到位的女人。然而，她太能干了，她太要强了，她也确实聪明极了。她需要事业的成功，她甚至以我的每一次成功变做她的压力而不是喜悦，她不断地与我竞赛，我论文获奖，她也要拼命写，我出国讲学，她便拼命攻读托福；于是孩子常是没人管，家没有人收拾。我出国后，她也扔下孩子出国了。她甚至比我走得更远：我回来了，她却留在了国外。 他无可奈何地再次叹了口气，你看这就是我的婚姻生活，简直像学术战场一样，我们的家庭生活几乎一直是在较量，而我的妻子，我想叫竞争对手的话应该更合适。至于我们的奋斗，似乎不是像别的家庭一样是为了日子过得更好，而仅仅是为了奋斗，为了成功。 我不知道如何表达我的惋惜或者说是遗憾。我是见过女强人的，她们本身所具有的不服输的毅力和不停的进取心让我曾经佩服得五体投地。我自认不是那种人，也不具备那种人的素质，因此对于事业我一向是不太计较的。在我的内心世界里，我仍是那种传统的女人。我觉得我的天职是照顾家，而男人的天职才是做好事业。也许正因为如此，当家务耗不了我那些剩余的精力时，我才发现了没有寄托的空虚，也因此才有了今天的相遇。直到遇见你，我的梦才被唤醒。他突然抱起我站了起来，然后就地转了一圈，我一下子变得晕头转向，不禁惊吓出了声。他将我缓缓放在地上，然后捧起我的脸，深情地注视着我的眼睛，说，第一次彻夜长聊，我从你的字里句间感受到了你的温柔和善解人意。你的第一封信，让我感受到了你的浪漫才情和忧郁气质，你的声音，再一次展示出你柔情似水和柔弱迷人，而第一次相见，我彻底迷上了你。 我已感动得眼睛潮湿起来，我真得没想到他会如此欣赏我，如此看重我。我一直认为自己太普通了，太平凡了，所以在如今这种美女吃香，女强人遍地的社会里，我有时会自卑得不爱交际甚至不爱出门，然而，我的学者今天的这席话简直让我受宠若惊。我只有在心里暗暗发誓，好好爱他，好好珍惜他，以不愧他的一片情。他轻柔地吻了我一下，声音也轻得像耳边的一阵风，说道，你就是我梦中一直在寻找的那种女人。do you know?所以我才喜欢抱着你…… 是的，这让我想起我们的相聚。几乎每次他都要抱我，抱我转圈，抱我上床，抱我进卫生间，甚至抱着我看电视。 他再次抱起我，坐在刚才的池边上。然后，他脱下他的外套，一起将我俩裹上。我在他的外套里，与他的身体紧紧相拥，顿时感到热热乎乎，我的眼泪几乎再次涌出。 他露出一副向往的神情，越过我的脸，看向我的后边，似乎他的梦还在那里。他说，看见你，我的梦似乎可以继续做了，所以那天晚上，也就是相聚的那天夜里，当我离开你后，我一直在幻想着，你这个小女人能够支持我将事业做得更成功一些，你还能给我生一群孩子，让我的孩子们延续我们的生命和梦想甚至事业……潮湿的风从我们的脸颊处滑过，麦田里传来模模糊糊的刷刷声音，我的泪水终于随着他的梦的展开慢慢滑落在风里了，然而却消失得没有踪迹。我知道，那是梦的泪！