Chapter 4 Chapter two

Walking out of the station, the close lovers said their goodbyes and disappeared into the crowd.Carrying my simple luggage, I felt like an erratic sleepwalker in the midst of all kinds of people in a chaotic and dazed consciousness.Everything in front of me is strange but familiar, the gray sky, the chaotic crowd, the indifferent faces... I think, if I have not been here in this dream, I must have lived here in my previous life.Perhaps it is just like this that Sima Xiao and I met or fell in love once before, and this unfinished fate is continued today.However, until then, in my mind, my scholar was still abstracted as a gentle and bold voice, and the photo that was sent later did not leave a deep impression on my mind, because All contact, all heartbeats come from that voice.

Where is he?how is he?what will he do to meAt that moment, standing at the exit of the station, because of such problems, I suddenly felt extremely sad and fearful in my heart.However, it is undeniable that I still cannot restrain my curiosity and desire.I kept telling myself, no matter what he did to me, no matter what he did to me, even if it was absurd, let it be absurd once. Until now, I still don't know what kind of force it was that made me lose my mind so much, and I don't know what reason it was that made me unable to resist this temptation, let alone the idea of ​​seeing him.My only thought at that time was, if this made me a lecherous woman, I would admit it; if it proved that I was a bad woman, I would also admit it.All I feel is: he is not a bad person, he is the love that fate compensated me for when I was young.

My cell phone rang, and I knew it must be Sima Xiao calling.Once again he wished to pick me up and arrange my accommodation.But again I said no.In fact, before he came, he had been asking to book a hotel for me and pay for my expenses.But I don't want to because that would make me feel humiliated and have no self-esteem.Finally, under the guidance of the driver, I checked into a mid-range hotel.During the whole process, he kept calling, almost once every five minutes, asking me where I was over and over again.This kind of frequent questioning made me feel that the scholar in front of me had a childlike restlessness, as if he had bought a new dress and was anxious to try it on.

When I walked into the room and saw the two clean, tidy and soft beds, my heart suddenly fluctuated.A desire for a new sex—my scholar—suddenly rose in my mind.At this point, I have to admit once again that I am indeed a restless and unruly woman.This made me feel ashamed of my misconduct once again.However, this shame still did not deter me from my next behavior.While blaming myself, I comforted myself with what I have come, and began to wash away the fatigue of the journey. I finally tidied up and dialed his number while sitting on the sofa by the window.However, at the last moment, I suddenly felt really scared inside.A question that made me tremble appeared in my mind-really a lover?I remember one time when we talked about meeting, he said excitedly, I think you are going crazy, I want you to be my real and permanent lover.From the Internet to the phone, to the departure, I seem to have been dreaming.Only then did I really feel that I really wanted to see him, that I might really be a lover.Thinking of this, a kind of panic made me restless and excited.The dream of my mother's face stuck to the window glass on the train came back to my eyes, and I quickly closed the phone again subconsciously.

I lay dejected on my bed, thinking over and over whether to see him or not.I feel like Ye Gong in a fable "Ye Gong Loves Dragons" that I learned in elementary school.I look forward to seeing him and miss him every day. When I really have to see him, I suddenly shrink back.Sima Xiao's phone call came quickly, facing his call for the first time, I felt a kind of hesitation in my heart, hesitant to answer the phone.The phone rang persistently one after another, and I seemed to hear Sima Xiao's anxious voice asking, what's wrong with you, didn't you answer the phone?Where is it?In my hesitation, the phone finally stopped ringing.But my eyes have become wet.I know I want to see him.

A minute later, the phone rang again.I know as long as it keeps ringing, I won't be able to control myself, as long as I answer the phone, I won't be able to talk myself out of seeing him.So I told myself, give me some time at last, let me think about it one last time. Until that moment, Sima Xiao hardly knew other ways to contact me besides e-mail, mobile phone and home phone.He doesn't know my real name or surname, or my real unit, or even what I look like.I suddenly felt that I was being unfair to him because he had told me everything about him.Do I just walk past him without letting him know who I am?Where did all the original determination and reasons go?Don't I want to go to school?If you don't see him, how can you talk about going to school?What's more, he also said that he just wanted to meet me, and he could hold it.I finally found a reason to see him, finally an excuse for myself to date men.Once again, I felt that I was not only an out-and-out bad woman, but also the kind of hypocritical woman who "wants to be a bitch and wants to set up a torii".Finally, I finally made up my mind, let go of the shame, and pressed the OK button.

What's wrong with you, why did you turn off the phone.His voice is full of anxiety, but still very tender, do you regret it? I didn't know what to say, I just muttered, but I already clearly felt that I couldn't resist everything that was coming.Maybe my hesitation made him think I was stupid, he smiled. You almost scared me to death just now, you know, as long as you turn off the phone, I won't be able to find you, so don't do such cruel things again.After he asked for my address, he simply said a few words like sending a telegram: wait for me, half an hour. As for the way to meet, we have actually discussed it several times.I once suggested half-jokingly, like in the poem "On the head of the willow on the moon, people make an appointment after dusk"?He said that it was easy to misidentify people, but after hesitating for a while, he said that it was quite romantic, not bad.So he said he was wearing a black trench coat.Then he asked me what sign I had for him to recognize.I said, you just need to stand at the agreed place, you just need to wear your black trench coat, you just need to keep looking around, as long as you see a chubby middle-aged woman smiling at you, that's me .He laughed out loud after hearing this.But now there are still three hours before dusk, and none of us seems to mention this romantic way of meeting again, just blindly hope to see each other quickly.Of course I'm not in the mood for romance anymore.

At last the door knocked softly, and my heart jumped into my throat.When I was about to stand up and open the door, I felt that I became weak all of a sudden, as if I had no strength to stand up. There were two more knocks on the door.I shook my head as hard as I could, as if I could get rid of this weakness, and then I stood up abruptly, feeling a lot calmer in my heart.Just when I opened the door halfway, a tall, handsome man in a black windbreaker stepped in and almost bumped into me standing by the door.While I was surprised, I also felt a gust of wind brought by him, which made me feel like he ran in, and even the hem of the black windbreaker was still floating high.He held a black briefcase under his arm and reached out quickly with one hand to me.I felt almost stupid, because the impression of him in my mind was not like this, so when the handsome him suddenly stood in front of me, the previous familiar and friendly feeling suddenly seemed to disappear, replaced by It's an awkward strangeness.

I cautiously hid aside, subconsciously hid my hands behind my back, and showed a panicked, overwhelmed look.Then, I heard that familiar soft voice, shake hands, please?That is to say, this kind of voice that makes me dream, made me regain that familiar feeling in an instant.Almost at the same time, I felt that my poor little hand was completely grasped by his warm big hand just as it stretched out from behind. I raised my face and saw his gentle eyes. He said: You are so beautiful, how can you say that you are a chubby middle-aged woman?How can you deceive me like this?You will be punished.

Although he has been joking with a relaxed discourse, it is still difficult for me, the introvert, to overcome this restraint in such a short time.Standing in front of him, I felt like a shy little girl began to flush and have a fever.His keen senses had reached this conclusion just as I was embarrassed by my performance.He smiled slightly and said, you look like a little girl, do you think you look like that.He grabbed my hand, pulled me into the mirror of the dressing table in the room, and said to the mirror, look, your face is blushing.I looked up and saw a tall man in black hugging a thin woman in the mirror on the wall.They stand tall and one low in sharp contrast.I took a closer look at the man in black, and saw his sharp-edged face, black eyebrows, smiling lips, and affectionate eyes.When my eyes rested on his affectionate eyes, I suddenly read a gushing desire deep in his eyes.This desire suddenly hit my heart like a beam of flying light from my eyes, and I felt that I was instantly stiffened like an electric shock, while a certain corner of my body was full of tides.In this mood, I became panicked.I quickly broke free from his hand, and staggered quickly towards the window, turning around like a timid fawn and looking at the tall man in front of me.

I don't know how to describe my mood at this time, because at this time he has put down his leather bag and windbreaker, sat comfortably on the sofa, and boldly looked at my face and my body with sharp eyes.I tried to calm down and looked at him, but I still couldn't stop the timidity and shyness in my heart.I saw sitting in front of me a well-dressed man with a tie on neatly, his shirt collar stuck stiffly under his neck. I like such a man, I thought subconsciously in my heart.At this moment, my heart began to relax a little. However, this ease is only for a moment.Because when my eyes moved down, I suddenly saw the cuff of his trousers - the most secretive gap in a man's trousers.The cuff of the trousers was bulging and sticking to the center of his body.And much to my chagrin, my eyes didn't move for a few seconds!And at that time, what I thought in my mind was, did he have an erection?When I realized my dirty thoughts, I blushed suddenly, and a kind of extreme hatred for myself suddenly rose in my heart.At that moment, I really wanted to slap myself twice!Am I really so lewd that I can't wait to look at that corner of the man.This sudden vision and thought, as well as the resulting frustration and remorse, immediately aroused my deep disappointment in myself and the inferiority complex caused by debauchery, and I felt ashamed that my cheeks were burning.Once again I felt uncontrollable nervousness and guilty conscience. Standing there for a while, I regained the foolish bewilderment just now. I don't know if he noticed my gaze, the change in my mood.I just heard him say, I brought good tea, can you pour me a glass of water? So, like a mechanical doll, I unconsciously raised my feet and walked towards him.At this moment, I felt my feet fluttering and dangling, like an unconscious clown stepping on cotton, staggering and stumbling.What's even more ridiculous is that my hand, which was holding the teacup, also started to tremble uselessly, but this state made him see the truth! My nervousness must have inspired tenderness and pity in him, and my timidity may have inspired his courage.He gently put down the teacup for me, stood up suddenly, and hugged me.My whole body was enclosed in his wide body at once, and I heard him whispering with almost whisper-like tenderness, my little baby, are you afraid of me?You make my heart ache. At that moment, in his gentle comfort, I felt that instead of relaxing, I began to tremble violently.And every small tremor shakes the shameful lust that has been suppressed in a certain corner of the body, ready to move.Under the coercion of his body odor with a hint of fragrance, in a daze, I had to try my best to intercept the warm undercurrent in my body over and over again.In the contest between rationality and crazy passion, I finally adjusted my mental state and escaped from his arms, forcing myself to sit calmly on the sofa next to him. In the next few seconds, I felt that my psychology was also becoming normal.So, I thought we should talk about something.When I had this idea, I suddenly felt that the air in the room became silent, even a little embarrassed. In the end, it was Sima Xiao who broke the silence and said, have you become dumb? For this sudden question, I didn't react for a while, and I froze there. He laughed, and he said, you know, until now, you haven't said a word yet. It dawned on me.I belong to that kind of silent woman.I tend to appear more silent when no one is talking, and when the emotions are mobilized, my eloquence is often scary.In this particular situation today, I really don't know how to explain my state.Although I am usually shy of strangers, I have always been plausible in front of acquaintances, especially in front of my husband.Even though it was the first time meeting Sima Xiao today, they already knew each other on the Internet and phone calls, and they dealt with each other smoothly.But today I don't know why, in front of him, I am so clumsy that I can't even say a word. He asked me what I had for lunch, and I said instant noodles. I finally said the first sentence.He smiled affectionately, put his hand on my shoulder, patted me twice, and said silly girl.I was very disapproving of his address. For the first time, I dared to stare straight into his eyes and said, I am a middle-aged woman.This time I felt much calmer.But look at your expression, you are as reserved and shy as a little girl.Still looking into my eyes with interest, he said. When I was at a loss as to how to answer him, he suddenly stood up, grabbed my hand and pulled me up, and said, madam, can I ask you to dance? Before I could speak, his other hand had already wrapped around my waist, and the heat from his warm hand suddenly spread to my waist through the thin sweater.I felt my face get hot again.He pulled me around forcibly, laughed, and said, look at you so frightened that your body is stiff.Then, unexpectedly, he whispered into my ear: You are a lovely woman!You surprised me so much!Because I didn't expect you to be so beautiful! The hot breath from his mouth sprayed on my ears and the surrounding cheeks and neck, and I suddenly felt that there was a continuous flow of hot tide in my body, and it leaked out from every pore of my skin , My heart fluttered again. I looked up and saw his affectionate eyes.At this time, I really felt that he was so tall standing beside me, and my head seemed to only reach his chest.I saw him leaning down, with tenderness in his eyes.I panicked and didn't know how to deal with it, and subconsciously started to twist my body, and when he lowered his lips to my face, I turned my head away in bewilderment.So he gently put his lips on my ear wheel, and he said softly while kissing, you lovely little girl, little woman, little woman... I wriggled and struggled, and kept warning myself to be rational and to be a lady, but in this struggle between reason and lust, I felt an irresistible passion in my body rapidly growing, expanding, and climbing , Rising, this power finally rushed out of the body with a swift momentum, rushing over the reason.My original romantic heart was instantly like a balloon full of air floating straight up.I couldn't wait to turn my face away, and he blocked my lips as quickly as a gust of wind.In such a tall body, his tongue is as tender as his voice, warm, squishy, ​​and slippery. He slowly stretches my lips and gently sucks my lips and tongue, From soft to gentle, to steel-soft, to steel-hard, he sucked me in like crazy.My whole body seemed to be melted in his kiss, turning into a scorching hot liquid, flowing wantonly in his body, I could even hear the sound of flowing, this sound was in his rapid panting and hoarseness The moaning became louder and louder, I felt I was shaking, I was suffocating. I said tremblingly, you melt me ​​away! I said crazily, let me die in your kiss! Time seemed to stand still, and my eyes were all white.Only the pounding heartbeat sounded fiercely and powerfully around, like a group of galloping animals running past, spectacular and frightening.I saw the chasing cheetahs, I saw their blood-red tongues sticking out, and I could clearly see the spots on their bodies and the beautiful solitary lines they drew when they were running.I heard their roars, they were majestic with excitement, I suddenly saw a face on the glass, and before I could make out what it looked like, there was already a sharp sound of glass breaking, accompanied by a horrible sound scream.The cheetah must have smashed the glass, I think, they rushed in.I was so frightened that I yelled loudly. I suddenly pushed Sima Xiao away.He was lying on his side on the bed, panting, his eyes wide open, his face contorted with confusion and embarrassment, pain. When I sat up straight and saw Sima Xiao's expression, I suddenly realized my gaffe just now.I said awkwardly, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me, I'm a little... I seem to..., I...I don't know how I should explain my behavior just now, let alone my hallucination just now.For the next few minutes, an awkward silence passed between us, a silence that made me flustered and overwhelmed. In the end, it was Sima Xiao who broke the deadlock.He came over, looked me in the eyes tenderly, and said, it's my fault, I should give you some more time.I was moved and sad, insisting incoherently, it was my fault, I should say sorry, it was my fault... He laughed, and while saying that he would not argue about these things, he handed me my windbreaker like a gentleman.He said, you must be hungry.What I have to do now is to catch the wind for you and suppress the shock for you.Then, he bent down suddenly, looked me in the eyes and said softly, okay?My heart trembled again for a moment. At about six o'clock that evening, I was wearing a white windbreaker, and he was wearing a black windbreaker, one after the other walked out of the room.There was no one in the silent corridor, walking on the dark green carpet in silence, and of course there was no waiter's surveillance.I can't help but sigh the superb place of the hotel manager.Turning the corner, there is a dimly lit staircase.Sima Xiao stretched out his arm, motioning for me to carry him on his shoulders, and then he said it's quiet here, while leading me down.I felt awkward and staggered in his arms.Because he is too tall, I always have a feeling of being lifted by him.Especially every time I turn a corner, I feel like a spinning top spinning around him. When turning down to the second floor, the voice of a man who was going upstairs was heard.I involuntarily pulled my arm out.Immediately afterwards, two men in suits and leather shoes came up.They turned their faces up as we walked towards them.The sky was already dark, and the light in the corridor was even darker.When I first glanced over, I didn't see their faces clearly at all.However, when we passed them, I saw one of the men stare at me twice with a strange look.I suddenly felt a palpitation, as if I had seen this face before.I couldn't help looking back, and to my surprise, the man was also turning his head to look at me, his white face protruding from the darkness, because he was much whiter than the man next to him.I quickly searched my memory, but my mind was at a loss. I really didn't know if I had seen this person before.Just as I turned my head and thought, I staggered, and Sima Xiao quickly supported me.I unconsciously said to myself, I seem to have seen this person there.Sima Xiao turned around and looked at me curiously, then asked suspiciously.But I really can't remember, maybe they look similar.I say because I often get the wrong people. Sima Xiao took a taxi and took me to a very stylish restaurant.As soon as the car stopped, a handsome waiter in a beautiful uniform came up politely and opened the car door for me.When you walk into the hall, you will feel the luxury and elegance coming to you.This made me, who had been content with family and boring work for many years, feel a little timid and guilty.To be honest, since getting married, especially having children, I don't seem to have attended a high-end banquet again.For such a high-end hotel, I only occasionally take a look outside during the busy passing by, but I never think about going in for consumption in my heart.I think the reason for chatting online may be a kind of self-adjustment for so many years of boring life.However, what I didn't expect was that I found a lover so quickly on the Internet, and quickly walked from the Internet to real life. Looking at the well-dressed and gentlemanly Sima Xiao next to me, I felt a vague sense of vanity in my heart.This also virtually increased my self-confidence.I slowly relaxed, took Sima Xiao's arm, tried to walk gracefully, and happily admired the decoration in the hotel.I saw a platform slightly above the ground on the opposite side of the escalator, boasting a kind of nobility and luxury by the bright red carpet, surrounded by clusters of flowers, and sitting among the flowers was a woman in evening dress, elegantly sitting on a bright table. On the piano, lingering, long and gentle music popped up.In this beautiful music, I was carried up to the second floor by Sima Xiao.Then, under the guidance of a polite waiter, they entered a couple's room.He ordered red wine and various exquisite dishes. We sat across from each other, and only then did I get a good look at him.As he said, his eyes are indeed small, but they are very gentle, the kind that makes women fall in love.He has a high nose, a big mouth, and the blue-shaven stubble around his mouth, which makes him look clean and masculine, and even the thinning hair on the top of his head reveals a kind of maturity and elegance.He must be one of those feisty types of men, for his manner is quick and sharp, not at all like a man in his forties.I like such a man. He poured red wine for both of us at the same time, handed me a glass, and he held a glass himself, saying, cheers for our reunion.He drank it gracefully.With his gentle encouragement, I tasted it too.I felt a bitter, sweet, spicy and even a little sour taste pervaded my mouth, and slowly penetrated into my heart and emotions, so a wonderful and refreshing emotion began to linger in my body.In the gentle lights above and around the head, and in the glow of various crystal lampshade tassels, the red wine in front of me seems to be turning into a magic water that creates passion and romance, slowly transforming the ordinary and no longer young me into A passionate and beautiful woman.I feel as if I have returned to my youth, because I am young and rich, and I am experiencing the earth-shattering love like those beautiful women in TV dramas. It's nice to be a beautiful woman!When I slowly came back from the fantasy, I couldn't help but envy the beautiful woman again in my heart, and felt a little ashamed and uneasy that I enjoyed such passion.Yes, only a beautiful woman deserves such a beautiful love.If people had an afterlife, if God asked me to choose among wisdom, beauty and wealth, I would choose beauty without hesitation.I remember that more than one female writer once said such a sentence, and I only now deeply understand the meaning of this sentence.In fact, how many women in life not only have amazing beauty, but also have superhuman wisdom and even wealth, while some women, like me, not only have no beauty, no wealth, even wisdom is far-fetched.Therefore, while lamenting my poor fate as a woman, it is always unavoidable to complain about the injustice of God. Even so, I still want to thank God for giving me this unexpected emotion. Perhaps this emotion came too suddenly and extravagantly for a woman like me. Perhaps the ending will be cruel and unfortunate, but I am still grateful. I had a very pleasant meal. In the relaxed environment created by Sima Xiao, in this romantic mood and atmosphere, I felt more and more relaxed, and I liked this smart, happy, knowledgeable and mature person in front of me more and more. man.The whole hotel environment, brisk music, and Sima Xiao's humor made me forget the shame and self-blame that had been bothering me.We began to restore the previous tacit and smooth communication on the Internet and on the phone, and freely talked about the teachers and experts we knew together, talked about our majors, and later told many jokes to each other. He said that a woman's TV was broken, so she hired a repairman to fix it.As soon as the TV was repaired, she heard the sound of her husband coming home and opening the door, so she hurriedly said to the TV repairer, "I'm sorry, my husband is back, he is a jealous man, you'd better hide it first, and then take advantage of it." He slips away when he's not looking.The man who repaired the TV had no choice but to hide under the table where the TV was placed.After the husband entered the house, he sat down on a chair and watched the TV, which was broadcasting a football match.The husband watched with relish, but the repairman hiding under the table felt stuffy, hot, and irritated.Finally, he couldn't bear it anymore, he got out from under the TV, walked in front of the couple, opened the door and walked away.Husband watched this guy walk out, looked puzzled at the TV, then looked at his wife, he asked, honey, how come I didn't see the referee send this guy off, did you see that? I couldn't help laughing out loud, and a sip of tea made me cough, and I had to turn around.I saw him standing up and patting my back with his long arms.When I calmed down, his hand came off my back and took mine.His voice suddenly dropped, and he said tenderly, will you still be my lover?Startled, I raised my head suddenly.Maybe it was because of the alcohol, maybe it was because of the lights in the restaurant, I saw that Sima Xiao's eyes were blurred and hazy.He looked at me intently and said affectionately, I love you, I really love you, and I love you more than online. In his blurred eyes, in his gentle touch, I feel as if a hand is slowly reaching into my body, holding my heart more and more tightly.I was deeply fascinated by the expression, eyes, and demeanor of the man in front of me.Even his warm, moist hands constantly conveyed to me a mysterious and intoxicating tenderness.Everything around is so wonderful and romantic, including the black windbreaker he put on the back of the chair, and the soft lights around, it makes me feel like I am in a beautiful dream.All the troubles in the world have gone away, only me and the man I love are in love, admiring each other in a beautiful scenery.For the first time in my life, I felt like a happy woman in a fairy tale kingdom.I looked at the man across from me, and my heart was full of tenderness, but my eyes were filled with tears of happiness. I told him softly that I did too. In each other's cuddling, we left the hotel.During the whole journey back to the hotel by taxi, he held my shoulders tightly, as if he was afraid that I would get lost.When going upstairs, he no longer asked to take the stairs, but pulled me directly into the elevator.As soon as I got into the elevator, he kissed me right away.He kept muttering, I can't take it anymore, I really can't bear not to kiss you... I looked at the elevator's moving floor sign in horror, and kept struggling.However, he seemed desperate, and the moment the elevator arrived, I finally escaped from his arms. He didn't say a word, he just strode towards the room and opened the door as quickly as possible.When I first reached the door, he picked me up and the door slammed shut behind me.I heard him say, baby, please forgive me, I can't not love you, I can't not want you.He carried me across the porch, around the couch, and then he made a sudden turn and I felt dizzy and the room was off balance in my head.I hugged his neck tightly and couldn't help crying out.In the end, I was hugged by him and rolled hard onto the bed. He kept whispering to me "little woman, little woman, little baby". There was a hoarse taste in his gentle voice, which seemed to be a ray of bitterness in sweet cola, which made people's emotions high and endless aftertaste.He kept kissing my eyes, cheeks, and neck. Passion was burning and jetting on his body, and the fiery lust was devouring my heart and body.But my reason seems to be still struggling to maintain the last line of defense, and I think the existence of this line of defense is mainly due to the fear that made me find it when I passed the elevator.I keep telling myself: I can't be so lewd, I can't give it to him the first time I see him, it will not only make me feel sorry for myself, but also give him a bad impression.However, I tried my best, but my heart couldn't resist his temptation, and couldn't resist my own feelings.It made me hate myself because I always felt powerless in the face of temptation. Under the impact of his tide-like emotion, my defense against him and my rejection of him became more and more feeble, and I was simply vulnerable.I struggled under him, but that struggle made him even more aroused.And this excitement made my weak heart, my longing heart, yearn for his body, his embrace.In the coercion of his masculine charm, in his powerful kiss, I was finally conquered by him under his body.The last thing I thought was, if it’s absurd, it’s just absurd once, and it’s also considered as imitating trendy women once. I don't know how long it has passed, and I don't know where my consciousness has gone.But I seem to see my own soul, which is floating above a peach blossom forest, constantly reaching out to pick the most beautiful flowers.In the depths of Taoyuan, there is another little boy who seems to be running for his life.I wondered if that was Sima Xiao from his previous life.So I said let's run away... When I saw Sima Xiao, I knew I was distracted just now.I saw him lying next to me, squinting at me while wiping my eyes, it turned out that I had tears all over my face at some point.After seeing my eyes open, he kissed my lips lightly.Then I heard him say in a hoarse voice, infinitely sad, what should I do after you leave?What do you want me to do after you leave? The moonlight outside the window is like water, and the stars are few and far between, but inside the house is shrouded in a kind of sad tranquility in this piece of watery moonlight, like a beach after ebb tide, exposed and diffused in the wet tide, there is emptiness and poignant peace.Listening to his sad question, I couldn't help repeating in my heart, what should I do after I leave you?How can I let go of this feeling?I stretched out my hand and slowly touched his hard stubble and thick Adam's apple. The feeling of happiness that just burst out of my heart was instantly replaced by an indescribable sadness, and I became choked up. He sat up suddenly and took me into his arms.Then, he held my face emotionally, looked into my eyes and said, I hope we can have today every year, and I hope we can love each other forever.Let's make an agreement, he pointed to Yue'er outside the window and said, look, let her testify for us, okay? I looked at the bright moon outside the window and nodded vigorously. He said, no matter what the future holds, no matter where you and I are, every year today, let us make at least one phone call to each other.Otherwise, on the second day, I will try to find you, and if I don't go, you will try to find me on the third day, okay? His passion and romance made me very excited again, and I felt a kind of passion and unforgettable experience that I had never experienced before.That night, in his arms, I felt for the first time that my youth and love were almost wasted, and I felt that this is true love! In the evening, I insisted that he go, although he repeatedly asked to stay with me.Because I don't want him to stay out at night.Because he has a son.I know that as a scholar, his life should be regular. 在大约十一点的时候，丈夫打来了电话，他问我没什么事吧。I said no.然后他突然生气地问我，刚才打电话怎么不接。我这才想起，当时司马啸抱我进屋时，电话曾经响起，但司马啸就顺手从我手里拿过包在经过卫生间时把包放到里边了。我只好撒了谎。丈夫于是很关心地嘱咐说，小心点，别太马虎了。在准备挂断时，他又不放心地说，别关手机，不然我会不放心的。 挂断丈夫的电话，才开始感到自己的罪孽深重。窗外稀疏的星斗仍在旁若无人地或明或暗，我看见西移的月儿正在从一片乌云后悄悄向外闪出，一时间我突然觉得那浩瀚的星空里，似乎正有无数只眼睛在满含责备地望着我。我感到一种极度的恐惧正在悄悄地从身体里滋生和成长出来：上天会惩罚我的。 我是真的这么认为的。做为一个受过高等教育的人有如此的思想一定让人觉得很荒唐。其实，整个小学中学大学教育，我已经毫不怀疑自己是唯物主义者了。但是工作后，当善良、刻苦、敬业的我一连多次遭受单位不公平待遇后，对世事、对命运感到难以捉摸的我不知不觉中对自己多年的信仰产生了动摇。然后，发生的一件事使我对自己的信念产生了动摇。 那是在单位福利分房时，欺软怕硬的领导竟连表面的文章都不做，给没有背景和老实巴交的人（包括我）安排得最差。在一次旅行时，我听从朋友的劝告，在神前诚心诚意地许了一个愿。我说让这些坏蛋遭报应吧。回来不久，那位领导在盖房时的贪污事发，真的被免职起诉了。或许这不过是一个巧合，但我宁愿相信那是神灵对他的惩罚。 此时此刻，我心中的愧疚开始迅速滋生，像一眼源源不断喷出来的泉水，冲激着我的灵魂。我冲进卫生间，站在淋浴喷头下，任悔恨随着浴水肆意流淌。 因为我清清楚楚地知道自己：如果让时间重来，我想我一定还会如此选择。整个夜晚，我都是在失眠与恶梦中徘徊。小时候就一直缠绕我的梦境不断强化地出现。我一直无法解释这个经常在我心情不好时出现的梦境。在梦里，我总能看见玻璃窗外边母亲愤怒的脸，我总能听到纷乱的声厮力竭的吵闹声，还能听到哭声。最后索性开了灯不再睡了。一直黎明将临，我才迷迷糊糊睡着了。 在整个失眠甚至睡眠过程中，脑子几乎一直在缠绕着一个让我百思不得其解的问题，那就是：我本不是这样的女人，一个淫荡的女人。然后我又很快地否定着自己：或许我本来就是这样的一个女人，一个淫荡的女人。