Chapter 3 Chapter One

From then on, my story began, and my life path began to diverge.I found myself falling into a web of temptation step by step, and lost my way unconsciously.He sighed for my dull living and working conditions, and felt sorry for my waste of knowledge and time.After a serious analysis, he gave me some suggestions to change this situation, one of which is to continue my studies.When he made this suggestion, my first reaction was to go to his graduate school.After hearing this, he readily agreed. In the days that followed, this at first casual remark became an excuse for me to develop a further relationship with him.Dissatisfaction with the working environment made me really want to go to school under his encouragement, and with the further development of our relationship, this idea continued to grow.But I know that going to school is very unrealistic for me, because I have switched to the business system after graduating from university. The current job does not require a high degree, let alone advanced knowledge. Know if the original unit can still keep this job for me.How to solve the problem of other children?Although all kinds of problems are in front of me, I can't restrain myself from thinking about it.I know that apart from the motivation to change the status quo, there is another unspeakable reason in a corner of my heart for wanting to take the postgraduate entrance examination, that is, I am fascinated by him day by day and attracted by him.

In this deepening association, I feel that my obsession with him is slipping into a dangerous situation step by step.Although in some sane and sober moments, I have warned myself more than once and blamed myself for this emotion.However, I found that it was very difficult for me to restrain this concern and longing, and I even felt that I couldn't leave him day by day.And his condition seems to be no less than mine.We kept calling, communicating on the Internet, and writing EMAIL.His letters are like his academic papers, with succinct writing, true feelings, and orderliness, while my letters can’t stop a lot of admiration and admiration for him, as well as some sadness and helplessness brought about by longing and depression.If I could impress him at that time, I think it must be my letter.Because every time he reads my letter, he can't help but call me, expressing his feelings excitedly.Until one day, he accidentally said this sentence: I miss you very much!

I was holding the phone and stayed there for a moment.A few seconds later, when I realized it, I was extremely excited because I felt that I had been waiting for this sentence for too long.If this sentence is a starting point, then an event that happened later may be a milestone for a qualitative leap in our relationship. It was a gloomy and snowy afternoon. In the office, I had a big fight with the leader who had put me aside for a long time because of partial listening and partial belief. In a fit of anger, I resigned and ran home early from get off work.At night, when my generous husband comforted me and said that I was too irrational, my willfulness and irritability once again became uncontrollable.I yelled at my husband and directed all my anger at him.I yelled frantically to the suave him, you're being sensible because that's not your business.My husband sat in front of the computer and stared at me without saying a word, I still shouted, I took care of you all, but it was considered that he only cared about his family and ignored his work. What to curry favor with him... I hate you, all of you...

I yelled incoherently, hoarsely.I figured maybe it was a total outburst of all the emptiness and boredom these days. The husband finally couldn't bear it anymore, lifted his coat, and said calmly, take a look at yourself in the mirror!Then he opened the door and left.His last words left me stunned.For a moment I forgot to be angry.I subconsciously turned my head to look at the mirror on the wall.It didn't matter, I was petrified.What I saw standing in the mirror opposite was a woman who was yelling loudly on the streets of the city: disheveled hair, disheveled clothes, a fierce face, and grinning teeth... The anger accumulated throughout the afternoon and night was suddenly overwhelmed by the sight in front of me. This image disappeared without a trace, and was replaced by an indescribable fear and extreme inferiority complex.I stood there feeling all my confidence disappear in an instant, and my whole spirit collapsed.

Just as I automatically walked away from the mirror, frustrated and bewildered like I was running away from a vulgar, ugly, unreasonable shrew, I got a call from him.He greeted gently in a kind, soft voice.For some reason, I suddenly burst into tears with great fanfare.The ugly woman in the mirror kept jumping in front of my eyes, which made me have deep worries and fears about the future for the first time.I told him intermittently and stuttering about my disappointment with myself.I told him I hadn't done anything at work, my life was a mess, I said I was ugly and vulgar, I said I was uneducated, I had no knowledge, I was a shrew, I was a...

I kept using all kinds of vicious language to scold myself and scold myself with tears streaming down my face.I don't know how long it took, when I felt that I was tired from crying, I didn't know when a beautiful light music was playing on the microphone.I couldn't help but stop crying, I heard clearly, it was a saxophone "It Can Be Treated".The music is sobbing, sad and moving. At the end of the music, his hazy voice came, like a fluttering white scarf in the morning mist, which made people moved and fascinated: don't abuse yourself like this.You are a lovely woman, a very soft and sexual woman, I feel right.His words not only did not let me dispel my inferiority complex, but on the contrary awakened the feeling of total collapse I had just now.I said again with tears streaming down my face, you don't understand me, I'm an ugly, yellow-faced woman, useless...

No, you are a talented woman, a lovely woman, and I love you! Holding the microphone, I didn't react for a moment, and I had to rack my brains trying to figure out what he just said.However, that depressed mood had already dissipated my self-confidence, which made me unable to believe what I just heard, so I stopped thinking just now, concentrated all my energy and asked him: What did you say?I love you!I want to see you!His clear, decisive voice came through the microphone. I think I must not be a peaceful and good woman, not a good wife and mother who abides by traditional virtues in my heart.Because when I heard his confession, I completely forgot about my husband and family, the conduct and responsibilities that a wife and mother should have, and even the extreme fear and inferiority just now. And emotions rapidly expand and rise.I responded to his passion with tears streaming down my face, and said something that even surprised me: I have fallen in love with you a long time ago!

Things changed just like that, with such speed that I am embarrassed every time I think about it later.But at the time I really had to express my love for him so eagerly that I didn't even have time to think and feel ashamed. Since then, our relationship has rapidly undergone a qualitative leap. He repeatedly asked me to strengthen my English study and prepare for the postgraduate entrance examination, and told me over and over again how much he missed me. The ordinary life for many years was like a boulder thrown into a calm lake, stirring up thousands of waves. Under the impact of this late and fresh emotion, I was beaten dizzy.I felt like I was on a stimulant. I was in a kind of unbearable passion and desire all day long, and I couldn't be calm and stable.I look forward to his call every day, looking forward to his voice.It was a sound like water and mist when it was soft, and like iron and steel when it was hard.The first time I was madly infatuated with a man, unstoppably in love with a man.It is completely different from the love for my husband. It is fresh, exciting, and overwhelming. This emotion makes me anxious with longing and irritated with longing.I think maybe this is true love.

Next, we tried our best to find reasons and opportunities to meet each other. In the end, we both felt exhausted by torture. I have to see you, if you don't come, I must go to you.He finally couldn't take it anymore and called me late at night to tell me his decision.He said, just meet, nothing else.He also said he was able to hold his emotions.His tone has changed from the bright color of the past, but it is low and hoarse, from which I already feel the pain caused by missing. However, after setting a date for his coming, he temporarily accepted the task.So he told me helplessly, you have to come, I can't wait any longer.Just treat it as you who came to contact me about going to school, right?Besides, you are like this.

In this exhausting torment, I finally collapsed, and I decided to see him on the grounds of contacting school.Although my husband didn't want me to go to school, he didn't do anything to stop me.Perhaps my dissatisfaction and complaints about the status quo of the work made him feel helpless, or maybe he thought it was impossible for me to pass the entrance examination. Therefore, when I proposed to take the postgraduate entrance examination, he agreed after a few minutes of thinking.And when I proposed to contact the postgraduate entrance examination, he even said that he could buy a ticket for me by the way.This made me feel even more deeply that I am unforgivable.But this guilt didn't hold me back.I figured either I was a bad woman or a crazy woman.

Up to now, I still clearly remember the madness of the few days after I got the ticket, and I also clearly experienced the process of another kind of desire expanding in my body as the day approached.Only then did I realize that there were so many dirty thoughts and fantasies lurking in the hidden corners of my heart.I have to admit that I am not a good woman and wife who keep to myself.However, I knew that my heart was already on the string at that time, and I had to send it out.Although I have been guilty and painful for this over and over again, I can't stop the desire. The date of meeting is approaching day by day amidst this painful longing and guilt.I clearly remember a month and two days from the acquaintance to the reunion.During these thirty-two days, we made a total of fifteen long-distance calls, lasting about two hundred minutes, and wrote thirty-five letters.So to this day I still don't know if I should hate myself or hate the damn Internet and phone for changing my peaceful life; or should I thank them for giving me this unforgettable relationship. I was sent to the hospital, where I underwent various physical examinations in a daze, and then fell into a drowsy sleep with drips of liquid.The drowsy days slipped away little by little, and my mental state began to recover slowly during the treatment, and I saw more and more waking days.In this half-asleep and half-awake state, I watched guiltily at the busy figure of my ex-husband coming in and out, and in a dreamlike feeling, I was served by my ex-husband with water, food, and even scrubbing.On the third night in the hospital, when I was half asleep and half awake, I heard my ex-husband muttering "Yunyun, don't go...", I finally woke up completely. I opened my eyes and saw the familiar face of my ex-husband crawling beside my bed and the tired expression on his face. I saw the deep wrinkles and the pain hidden in the wrinkles between his brows, as well as his A streak of grease appeared faintly on the collar of the white shirt.I couldn't help reaching out, wanting to touch his face. The night outside the window is like ink, and the lights in the house are dim.His grunting voice sounded again in the silent room, and in the light of the small lamp above the window, it was like fleeting clouds in the gloomy sky, drifting indefinitely.Subconsciously, I withdrew the hand I just stretched out, pricked up my ears, stared at his frowning brows and his mouth half buried in the corner of the quilt, and discerned his ravings.What he said was, "Yunyun... I love you... I love you!" When these two indistinct ravings fell softly into my ears from the darkness, my weakened heart seemed to stop for a moment.When my heart started beating again, I felt two full tears pouring out of my eyes.I cried: for my infidelity, but also for my husband's infatuation.I can't explain my extramarital emotions.Because, from the very beginning, I neither lacked my husband’s love nor did I look for extramarital affairs because I didn’t love him. Even in the whole extramarital relationship that happened later, I never stopped loving my husband.Although in the early days of marriage, I once had a lot of dissatisfaction with my husband; although in recent years, my husband’s career has become more and more busy, and when the children grow up, I find it difficult to recover my career and feel helpless Pursuing the empty moments without sustenance, especially in some nights when I can't sleep because of loneliness, I often have another kind of unspeakable emotional loss and inexplicable worries, but I still never thought about finding a job. new feelings.Because from the very beginning, my husband's love for me touched me deeply.Next, in the days of love and marriage, although I was still willful and violent, my husband’s tolerance and love for me finally completely conquered my unruly heart, and made me feel endless gratitude and love for him. I really feel that he is my lifelong support and lover. His love for me arose while climbing a mountain.He said that on the mountain, when he walked out from behind a boulder, he saw me standing in front of me in a long white dress.He said that the feeling at that moment caused him to be hit all at once, maybe he should be possessed.Because he said that he would never let me go again.Over the years, every time he mentioned the feeling of that moment, he would be full of passion.I believe what he said is true.But whenever I take a good look at myself in the mirror, I really don't know what it is that fascinates him so much.I think it must be the excitement of that moment that has sustained him for so many years.Otherwise, just based on my willfulness, he should have left me long ago.But what happened at that moment? Could it be that he was shot by Cupid's arrow as the Westerners said?I couldn't figure it out, and he couldn't figure it out himself. I was very ashamed at first.Because I only fell in love with him and married him because I was moved by his true feelings.I don't really know what love is and I don't feel like I love him.The reason why I fall in love and get married is because of customs, society, and physiological needs, especially because I am grateful for his deep love for me.Either I didn't understand love at the time, or I was still in love. Anyway, for a long time, I didn't know how to love him, and I was even more picky about his shortcomings.I don't like his formality, his thoughtfulness, his hairstyle, and sometimes even his clothes, which make me reluctant to get close to him.I used to torture him for no reason. I remember one afternoon not long after we got married, it was very hot, and my husband and I were walking on a bustling road.On the street full of beauties, I am so ordinary that it is difficult for people to notice that I have no outstanding appearance.When I felt sad for so many beauties on the street, a man and a woman walked up to me. The girl was very beautiful.I noticed the way my husband was staring at the girl, and I lost my temper in anger.The poor husband tried to please him in every possible way, but I still refused to let him go.In order to punish him, I asked him to buy me a pink and white ice cream as a prank. In fact, I have never seen this kind of ice cream myself. I just wanted to make it difficult for him.My husband ran to several ice cream stands and there were none.Looking at my husband with a flushed face, I didn't compromise at all.In the end, when my exhausted husband finally ran up with a happy face and no complaints, holding up a pink and white sorbet, I suddenly felt too mean.After all, this man loves himself deeply!Although this kind of shame was quickly diluted by the self-willedness formed by my husband's doting, this incident occasionally came to my mind, and the feeling of guilt still strongly touched my kind heart.Whenever I have some thoughts of leaving him, his affectionate appearance often makes it difficult for me to let go of this true love.yes!What can be better than finding a husband who loves himself with all his heart. However, in the first year of marriage, my willfulness not only did not decrease, but intensified.Maybe it’s because of my husband’s doting, coupled with my own personality, I feel more and more confident towards my husband. My heart that doesn’t understand love often becomes capricious, tricky, unreasonable, and even so cold that I don’t care about my husband’s feelings. face.My husband once looked at me sadly and confused because of this: You are so quiet in front of people, why are you so mean to me?I also think about this question sometimes.In the eyes of all outsiders, I am a lady, a woman who is quiet, gentle, gentle, and like a bird.But maybe I am not like this, I know that I am a woman who is neither law-abiding nor noble in my bones. Even so, if I were to rate my marriage, I would rate it above 90.Because the days when I treated my husband unruly and meanly were not long, an incident happened later that made me fully realize my mistake, the days of disharmony passed quickly, and I began to fall in love with my husband with all my heart. That was when my husband went to a seaside city on a business trip, and I went with him because I was not busy with work.At that time, I was learning to swim and became addicted, but my husband would shiver with cold after being in the sea for more than half an hour.The wayward I quarreled with him for no reason, shouted to leave him, got up and ran away alone.In order to find me, my husband frantically jumped on a bus bound for the train station.However, when he paid for the ticket, he found that his wallet was missing.But in order to find me, he listened to the nagging and scolding of the ticket sales lady with humiliation, and accepted all kinds of eyes on the bus in humiliation.After getting off the train, he ran around the train station several times in a hurry, and only after inquiring about the train number was he sure that I hadn't left.When he drove back in the car again, without a penny, he once again endured all kinds of vicious words and humiliation from the conductor.If it hadn't been for an old man who paid for the ticket for him in the end, he said he would go up and beat the woman. In fact, I regretted it after I ran to the train station, because I felt that I had gone too far.When I was at the train station and was about to return to the hotel, I happened to meet my husband who was full of anxiety. I clearly saw my husband who was running wildly soaked in sweat like a drenched chicken, and I also clearly heard him running like a cow. The sound of gasping.When he ran past me, he didn't notice me because he was flustered and anxious.Looking at the thin back of my husband rushing towards me, the motherhood of a woman awakened in me.At that moment, a deep love for my husband suddenly grew in my heart, grew up, and took root deeply. When I came back, my husband was like an angry lion in a cage, throwing a tantrum and angrily saying, "You are a heartless woman, I can't influence you, I can't change your heart." I can't express it, and I am heartbroken for my self-willedness and harm to my husband over the past few years.Since then, I feel that I have truly fallen in love with my husband, and that kind of deep love has increasingly become like an old tree with luxuriant branches, the roots are getting deeper and deeper, and the love grows more and more.I swear that I will love him, compensate him, and serve him throughout my life.I try to be a good wife and mother.I think it is enough to have this man in this life, after all, only my husband is my only support.Although my husband is getting busier and I feel more and more lonely, I know that a man whose career is the foundation of his life needs a woman like me to contribute for him and for the family, so I still endure the loneliness without complaint And bored, I am still deeply in love with the husband who fought so hard for me and the family.So when I saw some extramarital affairs on TV and around me, I always had great hatred and contempt for them, especially for that kind of women.However, the world is really unpredictable, and just as I blamed them, I actually stepped into this rank myself. I am deeply in love with my husband, but madly in love with someone else!I am a bad woman!No compromise!I have no reason to justify myself!I have no excuses to excuse myself either! On the morning of the departure, I fell asleep after having insomnia almost all night because I was exhausted before dawn, and finally woke up to the sound of my husband calling.My husband, who is infatuated with me and trusts me, always thinks that my going out this time is to make contact with my studies.He may never have imagined in his dreams that there is one more thing on my trip, and perhaps it should be considered the most important thing-meeting my online lover.Looking at my husband's warm eyes and his demeanor of complete trust in me, guilt almost made me stop the trip.I washed up hastily, and left the house as if fleeing.I knew I was running from my husband, from my conscience. I got in the car and got in, and closed the window tightly. My husband's uneasy expression standing at the half-open door still made my nose sore from guilt, and tears almost flowed out.Once again I cursed myself for being mean and disloyal: sneaking out like a thief to do something stupid and absurd while everyone else was busy at work. It was a sunny day.The reason why I remember the sun was shining was because the only thing I remembered that morning was the white legs of the girls riding bicycles on the road that had been covered all winter.In the morning sun, those calves shining charmingly are like gorgeous flowers blooming in the morning, which makes people imagine.I also wore a black wool skirt just below the knee and a tight red sweater on top.Overcoat with a mid-length trench coat.The white calf is also exposed outside.I carried my usual satchel and a shopping bag outside, which contained a pair of trousers and a set of underwear.This is all my luggage. When I walked into the station and approached the ticket gate step by step with the crowded crowd, I once again felt a little bit of shame and remorse growing faintly in my heart.This emotion makes me reach into my bag for my ticket, wishing I had lost it, or forgotten it, so that I could be forced to give up the act, even if only temporarily.However, when I stood in front of the conductor because I didn't find the ticket in the first bag in my bag, I suddenly became extremely disappointed and sad, and my hands started to shake because of it.I went through the second bag, but nothing.My heart started beating like crazy and I was so devastated that I almost cried.But when I turned to the third bag, I finally saw the boxy pink ticket lying in that hidden corner like a leaf blown by the wind.At this time, my eye sockets were really wet.Which leads me to finally think that I still want to keep my appointment and see him.So I think this may be God's will, it is a predestined fate.In this self-comfort, I boarded the train. The train started my crazy journey with shame in a chaotic mess.However, I am still a little guilty.I distinctly remember how I leaned my head against the corner to avoid the curious gazes of my college-school lovers across the way.I half-closed my eyes, amidst the clang of the train and the noise of people in the carriage, the smell of bread, sausage, pickles, women's perfume, men's body odor, and even the occasional smell of toilets when they open and close Amidst the foul smell, he was drowsy and thinking about it.However, my heart can't be quiet, because I can still feel the eyes of the lovers when I open and close my eyes occasionally, which makes my already tense nerves even more tense.It would be more appropriate to say that I was guilty of guilt, or that I was overwhelmed by my new passion, but it might be more appropriate to say both.Anyway, I couldn't calm down.I feel like an old cat in heat on a spring night, sober because of excitement, nervousness, and even shame. I even feel that my mental state at that time can be compared with the state of the exam. The anticipation of the challenge and the criticism of my unconscionable behavior made my restless heart jump up and down like a rat on fire throughout the trip. When I imagined the upcoming date with passion again, I also smelled the scent of old acacia flowers mixed with damp wild grass.I opened my eyes and remembered the dusty lumps the lovers were pulling from a flexible package in a grocery bag.I don't like that taste, to be exact, I probably can't stand that taste.It seems that since I can remember, I can't smell that kind of smell, especially the smell of old locust tree.I remember that when I was pregnant, whenever I walked through a street not far from my home with two rows of densely grown locust trees, the smell would make me vomit profusely. During the whole journey, one of the most urgent things I wanted to do was to close my eyes and go to sleep, so as to rest my mind well, so as to ease my complexion due to lack of sleep the night before.I remember my hearing becoming numb to the rhythmic clang of the train moving at a constant speed, while the increasingly stale air made me feel more and more suffocated.Just at this half-asleep and half-awake time, I was awakened by the sound of "Pu Chi" coming from the opposite side, and the carefree laughter almost at the same time.Then I saw the open Coke in the girl's hand, and the crimson and light red on the boy's face, the dripping Coke juice.At that moment, my heart suddenly relaxed.I feel envious of them, their youth, their love, their happiness.I raised my eyes for the first time, looked at the funny boy head on, and smiled slightly.This relaxation of the nerves seems to be the only one in those few days in memory.The boy opposite grinned at me apologetically and apologized for waking me up.The girl also started to strike up a conversation with me curiously.When they knew that I had been working for more than ten years and my children were already in elementary school, they opened their eyes and said that I didn't look like someone in their thirties at all. Whatever their judgment, I could see from their looks that they meant what they said.This inevitably comforted me who had been feeling inferior in front of talented scholars for many days.I remember that Sima Xiao asked me what I looked like time and time again, and asked me to send him photos many times.I said, what do you want from me?He said helplessly, tell me!I beg you.Under his begging, I had no choice but to say, I am an ugly monster, do you still see me?He still said goodbye.Later, he said that he dreamed of me and saw that I was very beautiful, with big eyes and long hair.I said I'm not pretty, I don't have big eyes, what should I do?He said it's fine to be white.I don't know what to do?He said as long as he wasn't fat.What if I said I'm not skinny?He said as long as you're not stupid.What if I said I was stupid?He said as long as he was kind.What if I said that I am sometimes unruly?He was in a hurry, and said to get off the net and I will tell you.As soon as I got off the Internet, his phone rang.The southern mandarin voice became stronger, because when he was in a hurry, he couldn't speak mandarin well.He said, as long as you are a woman, as long as it is you, I can find the advantages that I like in you. What's more, what I like is your inside, not your appearance, that is, your appearance is exactly as you said No merit, none of this will change the way you make me feel.This sentence finally dispelled my last worry about being ashamed to see him because of my inferiority complex, and encouraged me to face him courageously. At half past eleven that day, Sima Xiao called.He asked me if I was hungry and what would I like to eat?He also said let him pick up the station.I once again refused his request to pick him up at the station, because I knew it would be embarrassing to take the train.Perhaps it was his reminder that I started to feel wet in my gut because I couldn't eat anything in the morning.I had no choice but to buy a box of instant noodles when the food truck waiter came over.After eating, I finally felt a little sleepy.I think it must be caused by the lack of oxygen in the brain because the stomach needs oxygen to digest food.I bent down on the small table in the middle again, adjusted my posture, hoping to fall asleep. This time, my mind was finally overwhelmed with sleepiness, and it began to become heavy, and it became heavier and heavier. The noise in my ears and the clang of the train gradually moved away, and became more and more indistinguishable.I felt like I had become a worm wrapped in a ball of cotton wool, struggling and struggling to get out.However, the more I struggled, the thicker the cotton thread wrapped around my body was, and I continued to grow and expand like a snowball, while the air inside became thinner and thinner.I realized I was going to suffocate.At this time, I seemed to see my father, but I knew he was dead.I thought it must be his soul.I saw those melancholy eyes in his soul that impressed me most.He just looked at me like that, without saying a word.Then, I seemed to see my mother again.Mother's face pressed against a window, shouting angrily.I don't know what she's shouting about.Finally, my mother seemed to pick up something and threw it through the window, onto me.I broke out in a cold sweat.It turned out that I was dreaming. I came to my senses, raised my head, and saw the two students on the opposite side smiling and apologizing to me again.Turns out they dropped a bag of biscuits or something on my back while taking something from the luggage rack.I was suddenly awakened from the lack of sleep, and I was very dissatisfied for a while, because it was too difficult for me to fall asleep. When I closed my eyes to rest again, the shadow of the dream just now kept flashing in my mind.It was a dream I had often had since I could remember: the angry face of my mother on the glass window and the melancholy eyes of my father have been engraved deep in my mind like an immortal picture.I don't know what kind of omen this recurring dream is in my life, and I don't know what is going on with this dream, I just know that I have this dream when I am afraid and sad. In my memory, my father and mother did not seem to be a happy couple.His father was born in a black five-category family in a small town. He was forced to drop out of school and stay at home when he was thirteen years old.In that culturally poor era, my cowardly, sentimental, sensitive and sentimental father shut himself up in the house because he dropped out of school, and read many old literary works that survived the destruction of the four olds.His cleverness, erudition and talent attracted many beautiful girls in the town, but he could only marry one of them.But the married father didn't seem to completely cut off contact with other girls. He caused scandals again and again, and even eloped with a woman at one point, which almost ruined the lives of several people.After returning, his father became seriously ill because of this, and became mentally ill. He became a mentally ill patient.Then, one rainy afternoon, he committed suicide in a nervous breakdown when I was eleven.My childhood and adolescence were almost spent in my father's rage, gloom, sensitivity, and terrifying silence. After I learned that mental illness can be inherited, I have been afraid that I will be mentally abnormal.But to my dismay, I had involuntarily adopted some of my father's traits.My melancholy, my capriciousness, my violence and even my sensitivity have all grown with me.Especially at the age of thirteen, the experience of having my first period made me feel as vulnerable as my father. It was the early 1980s, a time when sexuality and reproduction were still kept secret.When I first found myself bleeding, I was terrified.I saw a pool of black and red blood stains on the stool I was sitting on after class, swaggering brightly and exaggeratedly.I slumped down almost at the same time, and for nearly three hours after school, I never dared to move again.For three full hours, I kept searching in my head what was going on.Finally, I finally remembered that a little friend once told me that she saw the most beautiful bad educated youth woman in school bleeding from her ass and threw a lot of bloody paper.The little friend also told me that she is a bad woman and often sleeps with bad men.Then, I was at a loss.I suspect that I am also a bad woman, and for the first time I feel inferior and helpless for my body.After school, I was the last one to quietly clean up all the evidence of bad women.I kept changing my panties and washing them all the time. I skipped school for the first time.When I was lying alone in the crop field touching my blood-soaked pants and looking at the blue sky helplessly and ashamedly, I made up my mind to commit suicide several times.Of course, I did not succeed in suicide, because I did not find a more suitable way to commit suicide.However, this incident left a deep imprint on my heart, and it wasn't until I happened to see Mental Illness Inheritance during college that I felt these weaknesses in my father's life were growing and maturing in my body. . When the clang of the train evenly vibrated my eardrums, I closed my eyes and suddenly realized that I had found the reason: I not only inherited my father’s fragility and sensitivity, but also my father’s passion and romance, and because of this, I will fall in love with another man while deeply loving my husband.