Chapter 14 Chapter Thirteen

At half past eight in the morning, the doctor started rounds.From the expression of that tall doctor, I looked for signs carefully, but what I saw was still a calm face, without any scary signs at all. I thought that if the stomach cancer result had really come out, he must be talking about it. My father's condition is revealed from time to time, at least when I look at my expression, there will be changes, such as a little regret, or a little pity.So I reassured myself once again that it didn't seem to be a big deal. I always decompress myself on some fearful things, but what is done will not change because of your actions.When I finished the doctor's rounds and sat opposite the doctor, waiting for the doctor to tell me that there was no cancer, I realized that I was actually more vulnerable than many people.

Even though I kept telling myself it wouldn't be too bad, I still found myself shaking uncontrollably.The doctor began to talk about my father's condition, and I began to silently read the long list of on-duty doctors on the wall behind the doctor.If I said it was to deflect fear, it was more to avoid hearing the terrible news.In fact, for vulnerable people, the more you avoid something, the harder it is to avoid it.Because when you fear and run away from it is also when you understand that it is inevitable.This made me avoid the doctor's calm words, but only the insignificant opening words, and the verdict that I was really afraid and avoided finally fell into my ears.

He said, the results showed that your father's disease was stomach cancer! I stopped reciting silently and stopped all movements.But I didn't cry, nor did I shed tears. I just looked away from the list of doctors on the wall and looked at the doctor calmly.The moment I was about to leave, I tried my best to make a farewell gesture to show my calmness and strength in the face of danger.It wasn't until he walked out of the doctor's office that the idea of ​​cancer began to occupy his mind more and more clearly, and his stiff face began to regain its proper expression.When I walked around the corner, a little nurse with a baby face was pushing a cart full of infusion bottles and various medicines and passed by me.I almost ran into her car.She stopped the car, looked at me and said softly, are you all right?

I?I stared at her blankly, my mind was full of cancer thoughts, and said in a daze, I don't have cancer, what can I do? She blew past me like a gust of wind, and my tears were suddenly touched by this answer.Yes, I don't have cancer, of course I'm fine, it's my father who has cancer, something happened to my father, and my father is going to die... I suddenly feel very sad, very sad for my father's hard life.There was already a ward in front, and through the half-open door of the ward, I could already see my father's sallow and haggard face.I suddenly realized that I was the only support for this critically ill old man, so I couldn't step down anyway.Although I am poor, I cannot lose my will. Although I am uncertain, I cannot lose hope, let alone my spirit.I stopped, raised my sleeves to wipe away my tears, then shook my head vigorously, as if to get rid of the thoughts of disaster in my mind, I told myself, I want to cure my father.Because I have found a reason and support for myself, that is the last sentence of the doctor: some cancers can be controlled, and even can live for a long time.

After my emotions calmed down, I tried my best to relax the muscles on my face to make my expression relaxed.A minute later, I was sitting next to my father, grinning at him, and I said it was nothing serious, I had a piercing in my stomach and needed minor surgery. How much will that cost? The emotions I had just adjusted were overwhelmed by my father's unexpected question again, and I felt that my depressed heart was hurting like a knot.At such a moment, when the doctor almost sentenced him to death, not only did he not pursue his own illness, he did not even see any trace of disaster in my face at all, but felt sad and painful for this expense.I have always looked down on the kind of people who want money and life, but at this moment, I really realized the greatness of my father.For a frugal father all his life, when he is faced with the choice between money and life, I think the poor father will choose to give up his life without hesitation, and leave that sum of money to his daughter.

I swear in my heart, father, no matter how much money it takes, I will heal you. A week later, the operation went on as scheduled.It was a gloomy winter afternoon, the sky was hanging low, and it was so dark that it was about to ooze gray-black juice. Through the window of the ward, two old poplar trees with decaying scenery could be seen in the courtyard courtyard, blowing in the cold wind. The bare branches of the trees are shaking shiveringly, as if they are telling each other about the desolation of life.At the moment when my father's car just rolled out of the ward, there was a sudden call from the next room, and crowds of doctors and nurses poured out beside us almost at the same time.Before our car turned the corridor, we heard crying behind us.It seems that someone has finished his life journey and is quietly going to another world amidst the cries of his relatives.At that time, I found that two drops of cloudy old tears were welling up in the eyes of my father lying on the operating cart.

Surgery is a lengthy process that can drive an able-bodied man almost insane.Although my son asked for leave to accompany me, it could not relieve the pain of waiting.We stood in a crowded waiting room, with enough heat to make the air in the cramped room increasingly stale.Almost none of the people in a row of seats could sit down from beginning to end, all of them were anxious and restless.I walked from the waiting room to the corridor, stood at the window in the corridor, looked at the gray sky, looked at the desolate trees, looked at the people coming and going, then walked back from the corridor to the waiting room, looked at the anxious people in the waiting room, and then Walking to the closed door of the operating room, staring at the three big characters in the operating room in a daze.About an hour later, there was movement at the closed door of the operating room.When the door opened, nurses pushed out patients who had undergone surgery, and doctors in light blue surgical gowns walked out.Then someone called the patient's name to the waiting room, so some family members hurried away from us.

Time slipped by quietly in this stagnant atmosphere, and after an unknown amount of time, I suddenly felt extreme fear.The son sitting on the chair in the corner also seemed to feel that something was wrong. He had stopped asking questions just now, sitting there silently like a man with a heavy heart, waiting for the development of the situation. The door of the waiting room for the operation opened again, and the father's bed number was finally called out.I rushed out of the door in two steps and rushed to the doctor who came out of the operating room. I wanted to know the result. That's right, we opened the abdominal cavity and found that your father's cancer had spread and was in an erosive state, and the operation was very dangerous.It seems that there is only resignation.

I felt dizzy for a moment, and the doctor's light blue coat and cap seemed to be turning into a soft cloud, fluttering here and there in front of my face. He began to say apologetically, sorry, we have tried our best, we have invited old experts from the hospital, but limited by our technology and medical facilities, we are really not sure about such an operation... How is this possible?Why is it so serious all of a sudden?I muttered to myself in disbelief, as if I had forgotten the doctor in front of me.I remember the way my father cooked breakfast for us, the way my father opened the door for me every day, and the way my father bought vegetables and bargained.How could he suddenly be so sick that he was dying?Just as I was thinking dizzily about everything that just passed, a shrill voice came from behind:

No-- A red and black figure suddenly rushed out beside him, rushing towards the doctor. That's the son!I woke up suddenly and saw my son hugging the doctor's waist and crying.His black down jacket with two red belt-like patterns was bulging behind him, like a tourist backpack full of things, and made a rustling sound amidst his crying. Father was pushed out.He was lying on the bed with his eyes closed tightly, but his gray and old face was peaceful.I don't know if my father, who is on the brink of death, can feel the crying of my son and me, and I don't know how much time the poor father can spend with us after he comes out of this room.Looking at my father who did not respond to me and my son, I felt the cruelty of life and the helplessness of family affection.The wheels turned briskly on the terrazzo floor, making a rhythmic sound, which also crushed my awe of life.

The business of the bookstore declined rapidly during the period of father's illness, and the profit dropped sharply.After my father's surgery, before his condition suddenly deteriorated, I found time to go back to the bookstore to buy new books, and promptly passed on my business experience to the loyal waiter who had been tested for a year.In order to make money faster, I even told her about the sales of pirated books and illegal publications, and promised her a new profit commission to ensure that the bookstore's profit increased. During this period of time, I also went to the unit to go through the contract renewal procedures, and handed in the profit of 20,000 yuan from the previous year. When the unit loaned me 20,000 yuan, I asked for an extension of time on the grounds that my father was suddenly ill. The director came forward, and the unit agreed.When Director Yang notified me that the unit had approved it, I couldn't express my gratitude to Director Yang.That afternoon, when I was about to leave work, I packed a thousand dollars in an envelope and came to the director's office. Everything inside and outside the office building is still the same, even the smell in the corridor has not changed, but I have changed so much.From a well-mannered researcher, I became a bookseller who stinks of copper, and a bookseller who is engaged in illegal business in private.I don't know whether my change is in line with the development of the times, or deviated from our principles of life, but no matter what, there is only one indisputable fact before me, that is, I have escaped from the original predicament, And the days are getting better every day.I think, in order to survive, for my father's old age, and for my son's growth, I can abandon some of my original principles or morals, and I can even forgive myself once for this.Looking back on the road I have traveled, I seem to have no choice.When I occasionally feel fear and blame for my illegal business, I can always find a bunch of grandiose reasons for myself: That is, how many successful officials are as usual, and they went up through legitimate channels?How many lucky people in business are obtained through proper operation? When we arrived at Director Yang's office, it was already dark outside.I sat on Director Yang's sofa, and under the bright fluorescent light, I took out an envelope containing 1,000 yuan.Although Director Yang looked sullen when he knew my reason for coming, in the end I insisted on stuffing it in Director Yang's drawer.When I was grateful to Director Yang for accepting my gratitude, I once again had a trace of indescribable emotion, just like the relationship with Li Zifeng, which is sometimes elusive.At that time, when I was stuffing the envelope into the drawer with a gap, he suddenly grabbed my hand, stared into my eyes with complicated eyes and said, in fact, you don't have to thank me like that at all. How can I thank you then?I stopped, expressed my doubts without hesitation, and waited for the next half of his sentence solemnly.I don't know if he thought my expression was funny or my question was funny, but he suddenly laughed heartily.Just like the answer from heaven, at this moment, his phone rang.From his conversation, I heard that his wife did not come home and let him eat by himself.Everything was so natural, like the plot arranged by the director in advance, I said smoothly, if you are willing to give in, can I treat you to dinner?to express my gratitude to you. In this way, for this coincidence, he readily agreed to my request.It was this meal that made my relationship with Director Yang more amicable.After drinking about two ounces of wine, he said to me with great interest: To tell you the truth, I have a reason and selfishness to help you. I was taken aback by his sudden topic, so I had to straighten up and concentrate on waiting for the next answer. Seeing the change in my expression, he also showed a sincere look on his face. He put down his chopsticks and said softly: The first time I saw your thesis, I thought you were a good talent.In private, I have observed you for some days.You know what I ended up discovering? I looked up, wondering whether he had discovered my strengths or weaknesses.He raised his glass and touched mine and said, I have discovered your stupid aloofness, stupid self-admiration, and deadly introversion and self-esteem, etc. I was speechless and convinced, and could only hold my breath and continue to wait for his next words.He said, guess why I will help you, it is because of your shortcomings, which are actually your strengths. He let out a long sigh, as if regretting my current situation, and then said in a low voice, I was like this many years ago.You were just like me when I was young.I understand the tragedy of this character, and the negativity it can bring to fate.At that time, it was a leader who cultivated me repeatedly, which made me embark on the path of normal development.Therefore, I have always wanted to give you a chance with the enlightenment I had growing up in those years.That's why I help you. I took a long breath and saw other inexplicable emotions mixed in his next smile, not to mention, you are an excellent and attractive woman. I am very grateful to Director Yang for his candor, and I am also embarrassed by his praise. He ignored my emotions and just continued to express his meaning: In fact, leaders are ordinary people, so they inevitably have the shortcomings of ordinary people, such as their own likes and dislikes.Therefore, under the same conditions, I am also willing to help people I like... I don't know which tendon of Director Yang's words touched me, but I suddenly thought of Li Zifeng and my association with Li Zifeng.I don't know if the terrible story between Director Yang and I will be repeated like that between Li Zifeng and me.While expressing my gratitude to him for his kindness, I was thinking about the meaning of Director Yang's words.If his words were a way to seduce me, it would be fine. If he said it was just an expression of ordinary emotions, it would be considered aboveboard.What kind of emotion he is expressing, I really can't tell.In the end, when I went to the bathroom and looked at myself carefully in the mirror at the bathroom, I breathed a sigh of relief: such an old lady is no longer at the age of being passionate. When we broke up, we made some concessions for the thousand yuan again, and finally he was moved by my sincerity and accepted it.But two days later, he called my mobile phone and asked me to wait in the shop, then came by car, and hurriedly gave me a cashmere scarf with exquisite packaging. After my father's surgical sutures were removed, I followed the doctor's advice and took my weakened father to the provincial capital four hundred miles away.At that time, the Spring Festival had just passed, and the weather was still cold. My father was very weak because he had just undergone an operation. The tumor in the stomach was broken by the bumps of the car, causing the cancer cells to spread rapidly throughout the body. As for my son, I once proposed to let him live with Yu Zhi. Because he saw Yu Zhi and his wife, he had a strong hostility towards Zhi, so he flatly rejected my proposal and insisted that he could take care of himself. Said that you can eat instant noodles, you can eat box lunches and so on. I can only take care of one side now.After getting off the train, the cold wind hit his face like a knife, and my father shivered involuntarily.Although it is noon, the sun above the head is like a painting hanging in the distant horizon, with only brilliance but no warmth.Carrying a heavy travel bag, I supported my father with a scorched face, mixed in with all kinds of people, feeling desolate, lonely and helpless as if fleeing a refugee.Father still asked worriedly, where is the hospital?Is it expensive?How to go?Can the disease be cured? ... Although I pretended to be calm from beginning to end, and kept comforting my father.In fact, why don't I have the same doubts and worries about these issues?Standing on the streets of a strange city, looking at strange crowds, and thinking of our uncertain future, I was really afraid that I would not be able to persist until the end, and would collapse first. However, I must support.I told myself, I can't fall down, as long as I'm here, my father has hope.As long as I face everything with strength, there is hope in our days.So, standing under the sun, I exhaled a long breath and watched a white mist of gas spray out from my face. After wandering and disappearing, I adjusted the bag on my back and straightened my chest. Then he helped his father firmly towards an approaching taxi. Everything that followed was fine.At about five o'clock in the afternoon, I had completed the hospitalization procedures for my father in one of the most famous tumor hospitals in the provincial capital.After everything settled down, I sat by my father's bed and carefully observed this famous hospital. The sky outside the ward is dimming, and through the windows, it can be clearly seen that this is a hospital with a beautiful environment.In particular, there is a small garden in the middle of the courtyard facing the window. Although the flowers have faded, many unknown green plants are still full of vitality as before.In front of the small garden, there is a corridor. At the entrance of the corridor, there are two trees that resemble southern plants, like two enthusiastic and cheerful girls, waving to welcome guests.I couldn't help but feel better, and said to my father, Dad, this time your disease will definitely be cured. You see, your bed number is 319. My father looked at me inexplicably and said, what happened to 319? I explained to him loudly that number 319 is our (3)——want (1)—just (9)—good (number). Father finally shifted from worrying about the cost too much, he grinned wide, showing his yellow and black teeth, and smiled. A week later, my father's operation was officially carried out.Because the operating room is on the first floor, and there is a garden-like courtyard not far from the waiting corridor.Therefore, although the waiting for this operation is equally anxious and frightening, because during this long waiting, I can wander into the small garden to look at the flowers and plants in winter to relieve the pressure on my chest, so this second time The feeling left by the operation is much lighter than the intractable despair and fear of the first time. The surgery ended as expected.According to the doctor, the result basically achieved the expected goal. Although four-fifths of the stomach was removed, according to the current situation, as long as the postoperative chemotherapy is carried out on time, the future is relatively optimistic. How happy I am!For so many days, worrying about my father's life can finally breathe a sigh of relief at this moment. I feel that the sockets of my eyes are getting wet. I almost want to go forward and kowtow to the short and fat middle-aged doctor, thanking him for saving my father. , thank him for giving me a chance to make amends. However, the doctor always seems to be so rational, he almost ignored my changes in mood, but changed the subject to talk about the cost.He said that you have to prepare enough expenses, because it will take about five to six courses of treatment between now and the end of chemotherapy, and the cost may reach 20,000 to 30,000. The mood I had just recovered disappeared in an instant with this terrible number.Looking at the doctor's face, I suddenly felt a little dizzy. The doctor's eyes seemed to be turning into two flying black-and-white flowers flying in front of me.The doctor was still talking about the cost, but I couldn't hear clearly. I just realized that I had to be stronger and not show my poor appearance in front of the doctor, so I tried my best to control my expression, and even I want to squeeze a little smile from my face soaked in bitterness.Whether that smile is squeezed out, or what a forced smile looks like, I have no way of knowing.I just remember that after I smiled bitterly, I left the doctor.It was a trance feeling, my feet were light and my head was blank, and then I stood outside the door of my father's postoperative observation room. Standing outside the door of the observation room, through the window glass, I happened to see the gray head of my father who was sleeping under anesthesia.For some reason, when I pitied the unconscious old man in front of me, I felt an indescribable resentment in my heart: Why are you sick?And have such a serious illness?How can I pay such high medical expenses?How will you live in the future? ...Father is still sleeping unconsciously, he may never guess what I'm thinking right now.Because of my father's helplessness, I suddenly felt that I was extremely hateful.Yes, in my dying years, when my father was unable to control his own life, I felt ashamed of my right to decide his father's life and death.I knew that as long as I said a word, my father's life or death would be decided. As if sensing my malicious thoughts, my father's head suddenly shook, and a piece of bare scalp in the middle of the white hair on the left side also flashed, which made me shed tears of shame and hatred because of the bad thoughts just now.I remember the bald patch of scalp that happened when I was twelve.At that time, the little girl next door was wearing a red corduroy windbreaker with purple butterflies. I was so envious that I cried several times in front of my father.So my father left home late at night to work in a brick kiln. A month later, when my father finished working, he bought back the same small windbreaker, but with a dazzling bandage gauze on his head.After the gauze came off, no hair grew there anymore.Facing this small scar, I couldn't help but torture my soul, what's wrong with me?Do I feel sorry for the twenty or thirty thousand yuan, regardless of my father? ... A doctor was coming from the isolation room to the glass where I was standing, and I moved quickly to leave this painful room.I feel sorry for the fee, feel sorry for my aging father, and at the same time feel sorry for my own fate.Before I had time to be happy that my father's condition might be getting better, I found that the money I earned through hard work and speculation suddenly didn't belong to me, and it wasn't even enough for my father's medical expenses. Since my father fell ill, the more than 20,000 yuan I earned last year has basically been spent.In addition to the usual maintenance of my father and son's living expenses, part of it was reinvested, and part of it was spent on the first surgery.By the time of this operation, there were only more than 2,000 yuan left, so 8,000 yuan of the 10,000 yuan prepaid this time was bank deposits.Even the 10,000 yuan seemed to be poured into a funnel-like container, and as the doctor's medical records thickened, it kept flowing away.As a last resort, after being introduced by my roommate in the same ward, I hired an old man who took care of the patients full-time for 300 yuan, and I planned to leave my father temporarily and go home to collect money. The old man was almost the same age as his father.When he stood in front of me, I realized that there are people who are less fortunate than me, and they are by my side.I had learned from my roommate in advance that his son had gone to prison, his daughter-in-law ran away with someone, and his grandson needed to be raised, so he came out to find such a job to support the family.But he didn't expect him to be so old. He had actually reached the age where he needed someone to take care of him, but the hardships of life forced him to come out to take care of others to earn a salary to support his family.It seems that fate is too unfair. He makes some people rich enough to pile up money like mountains, but makes some people so poor that they can hardly even eat.Looking at the old man in front of me, I remembered a storyline in a foreign movie: A child saw a place with a bungalow and a grove when traveling with his father. The child said to his father, I want to start a business here.After hearing this, the serious father walked into the house calmly, raised a finger, and said to the family who were eating: I bid 100 million to buy this place, and I'll give you two minutes to clean it up. The family who was eating was dizzy.The master said, let's discuss it. The child's father raised his second finger and said, two hundred million, you can go. After hearing this sentence, the family got up and ran away in a swarm. I remember being so envious.I always think, when will I meet such a father and son, who will pay a sky-high price for my house, and I will also become rich.However, in such a situation, such a dream can only make people more painful.I have to earn a little money for my father’s illness and our life, and even take risks to pay for the huge medical expenses, while the old man in front of me has to come out to serve others for the little grandson at home, and earn a little to maintain food and clothing. living expenses. Just when I looked at the old man with a puzzled and pitiful expression, the old man might be afraid that he would not get the job, so he suddenly picked up his father's kettle and turned around to fetch hot water.I stared at his thin back and the threadbare sweater on his body, and said, then please. In the evening of the next day, I took the train back to the city.Coming out of the station, I lowered my head and shrunk my neck and was walking quickly in the cold wind, when I suddenly heard a loud voice calling for my mother.The wind was blowing, and I didn't think about it at all. I still quickly passed through groups of hotel solicitors and walked to the square in front.When my son suddenly stood in front of me like an alien, I was taken aback.Under the night sky, the square was illuminated by rows of street lamps around the square, and the light from all directions intertwined on the son's face, illuminating his cheeks that were red from the cold and the mature nose in the center of his face. My son stood in front of me like that, alone, looking thin and pitiful in the crowd of people in the square: his face was thinner, and his cheekbones were showing! He looked excited and kept talking. He had checked the train timetable a long time ago. When he came home from school and saw that I hadn't come back, he knew that I was taking this train. I feel a sore nose.He was only thirteen years old, but in fact he was still a child, even at the age of acting like a baby in the arms of his parents, and he unexpectedly carried something he shouldn't carry prematurely because of the hardships of life.When I think of him sleeping alone in an empty room in the dead of night, and thinking of him having to prepare his own food after a hard day's study, I feel that I owe my son too much. With the winter night air wafting around, I followed my excited son to the storage area and retrieved my bike.It wasn't until my son insisted on taking me with me that I realized that he had become more mature after all these ordeals.Sitting on the rear frame, wearing a thick night with my son, from the light of one street lamp to the light of another, watching our figures under our feet change from long to short, from the front to the feet, from the feet to the back , elongated, blurred... This scene reminds me of a scene I often saw when I was a child: Almost every time after the wheat harvest, a dirty black-and-white puppy ran happily towards our village, followed by a ten-year-old girl leading her blind father with a long stick. .Then they stopped in the middle of the village together and started begging: the father played an old erhu or something, and the little girl let go of her throat to sing one after another. After receiving some rice noodles, she led the father who was carrying rice noodles again. leave the village.At that time, I was younger than the little girl, and I often ran in front of them or followed them for a long time like her puppies, especially on moonlit nights, I often used my feet Capture their long and short shadows, and then watch their figures disappear into the farther and farther moonlight under a crooked neck tree outside the village... Twenty minutes later, I followed my son into the house.The house is very messy, but there are traces of the temporary cleaning done by the son: the messy things on the sofa have been piled together, the center of the floor has been wiped clean, but the four corners are full of dust, and the quilt on the son's small bed in the bedroom is also dirty. It was folded crookedly, my son's desk was almost full except for the writing area, and there were a lot of clothes to dry on the balcony. I knew it was made by my poor son before I came back... Looking at everything in front of me and my excited son, I really can't imagine how my son spent these days.However, he stood in front of me intact, except for his thinner face, he didn't seem to feel wronged.He even said with a proud look, Mom, I have done a great thing! I looked at him suspiciously, wondering what big things he could do. I cured Yu Zhi and that smelly woman once!As soon as my son's words came out of my mouth, I was taken aback.I had no choice but to tell my son with a sullen expression, not to call Dad by his first name. Unexpectedly, the stubborn son stared at him and said, I don't call him by his name, but I will never call him Dad either.Who told him to marry another woman so quickly. I was taken aback by the sudden change in my son's attitude towards Zhi, which was beyond my expectation.In fact, since the divorce has been going on for so long, every time Yu Zhi is mentioned, his son maintains his old reverence and longing for him. Even if he occasionally shows some resentment, he never shows such hostility.It seems that Yu Zhi's remarriage hit him too hard, just like what touched me when I first heard that he had a girlfriend and soon got married, I was almost seriously ill.For me and my son, the divorce didn't seem to mean the complete loss of Yu Zhi, and Yu Zhi's remarriage finally declared that the poor hope in our hearts was completely shattered.When I was about to talk him out of hating Dad, he trotted to his cabin and pulled out a stack of money. Mom, I met him and that woman a few days ago, so I mentioned to him this year's living expenses, and he gave me five thousand at a time.In order to annoy that woman, I told him that the tuition and fees were increasing.He had no choice but to promise me another three thousand yuan.Then, I went to his house on purpose, in front of that woman, to withdraw the remaining three thousand yuan.The woman's face was very ugly.I guess they might fight? My son has already put 8,000 yuan on the coffee table in front of me. I feel a little sad. I can't tell whether it is because of my son's change of attitude towards Zhi, or because my son has obtained so much money from me in this way.The room suddenly fell silent, and my son was obviously depressed because of my low mood. Mom, I... my son raised his voice, still trying to raise my interest, and said awkwardly, Mom, we have money to treat grandpa. Although money is very important to me, I find that face is more important to me, especially the face in front of me.So he stammered and said, he... I don't want to mention Yu Zhi's name, so I had to change my words again and say, does your father know about your grandpa's illness? I didn't tell him!I don't want him to know we're having a bad day.The son lowered his eyes, looked at his feet and said. I let out a sigh of relief, yes, why am I not so self-respecting?And for this kind of self-esteem, I really can't tell what price we have to pay in the days to come.Sometimes I wonder if this can be regarded as a kind of self-improvement. For example, my emotional entanglement with Li Zifeng, my open and secret struggle with Chang Tianli, private transactions in the bookstore business, etc., but if this is not a correct path to self-improvement, then what should i doHow can I support me and my son, how can I support my elderly father? That night, sitting in front of my sleeping son's bed, I looked at him for half an hour.When I finally left his hut, I swore once again that I would make up for my son's suffering because of my incompetence, and I would earn more money to treat my father's illness.Since I have no ability to change my own destiny, I can only run forward in the direction pointed by the God of Destiny.Regardless of whether the future is bad or good, I have no choice, whether it is a mountain of swords or a sea of ​​fire, I have to jump into it.