Chapter 13 Chapter Twelve

I don't step on that broken three rounds anymore, and after doing that TV show, I also started to pay attention to my own image.I try to come across as a cultured person, as I do in my TV appearances.Due to the improvement of the economic situation, I bought more books but less frequently, so I often used taxis to bring them back.In this way, I concentrated on taking care of my business, and almost forgot the unpleasant past in the unit.Occasionally, when colleagues visit the store, I no longer feel embarrassed or ashamed as in the past, but naturally introduce new books and recent bestsellers.I've come out of the shadow of paring down and love the way I work.

The "May 1st" festival is coming soon, and I am preparing a new promotion.This is an ordinary day, and I am sitting at the table, making detailed plans.Suddenly came a familiar greeting.I raised my head and saw Yang An, Zhou Zhuwen and the original data officer Qu Hong walking in happily.I can't tell how long it has been, I seldom remember them, let alone expect them to come together to visit my colleague who has been there for many years. The warm spring breeze blew from the door, passing over their bodies without leaving any traces, only the silk jacket of the data officer shone like a pool of clear water in the spring breeze, and a strong smell of alcohol hit me Come.I just realized they just came off the wine table.Facing this group of colleagues who used to get along day and night, I was so excited that I didn't know what to say.

Before I could find the right words, Zhou Zhuwen and data officer Qu Hong pulled me up from my chair.I didn't have time to explain anything to the clerk, so I was pulled out.Ten minutes later, when I finally followed them into a hotel, I understood their intentions from their incoherent words. They wanted to continue drinking and celebrating. I don't know what to celebrate, I just heard them talking about internal references, Chang Tianli, and I had to sit there and analyze what had happened from their words.It wasn't until the cold dishes were served that Zhou Zhuwen raised his wine glass, and in a voice that overwhelmed the other two, he loudly said the content of the celebration of the table wine:

Sister Zhang, God has avenged our revenge for us. I finally understood that Chang Tianli's husband was arrested for corruption and bribery, and his property was confiscated. Chang Tianli was also divorced because her husband was away to support his lover.It seems that there is a theory of retribution in the world. I didn't expect Chang Tianli, who made fun of me when I was poor, to have such a day. This is really a great irony. That day, we drank from five o'clock in the afternoon to nine o'clock in the evening, and drank three bottles of liquor in total.For the first time, I was so drunk that I yelled and laughed like an alcoholic with everyone.I don't know what happened, maybe I drank too much wine, and everyone suddenly talked about a long-standing matter, which almost aroused my anger to the fullest, and I even wanted to find Chang Tianli to fight with my life.Qu Hong, who was next to me at that time, was holding the wine in one hand, put her other arm around my shoulder, and said loudly:

Sister Zhang, you can't just watch from behind, you have to act, just like she did to you back then. I drank the wine with her, then clung to her and said: Yes, I have to act!Among us, I am the one who suffers the most, and I can't let go of this opportunity. Back then, she tried her best to humiliate me, and I will never forget it. Everyone was still talking and laughing loudly, I raised my voice and yelled loudly, please stop for a moment and give me some ideas, how can I act? You are so stupid!Qu Hong suddenly lowered her head and put her mouth close to my ear. Although she seemed to be whispering to me, the alcohol made it almost impossible for her to suppress her passionate and resonant voice.She said: I still need someone to teach you, just like when she posted your big-character poster, saying that you used your sex to seduce a certain bureau chief for a certain purpose, she also posted one...

She suddenly stopped the topic just now, lowered her head and kicked something vigorously with her feet, while shouting loudly: Why are you kicking me?What are you kicking me for?My kneecap was broken by you... In fact, up to this time, I hadn't fully understood what Qu Hong said, but I just thought of my tragic love affair with Li Zifeng in my heart.When several other people present stopped talking and joking just now, looked at me in blank dismay, and waited for my reaction, I suddenly understood what Qu Hong said.I remembered that shortly after the afternoon when I saw Chang Tianli and Director Sun Xu, I was inexplicably alienated by almost everyone in the unit, and even Zhou Zhuwen, who had the most temper with me in the office at that time, showed disrespect to me. I remembered what Li Zifeng said when I was looking for Director Yang, "You still use Director Yang for the office"...

I woke up from the wine, and suddenly felt the blood rushing to my forehead, and my stomach was churning non-stop. I stretched out my long arms, grabbed the wine bottle in front of Yang An with one hand, and drank two gulps from the mouth of the bottle.At the same time Zhou Zhuwen snatched the wine bottle, I felt a long hiss from my already hoarse throat, and then, like a beast shot by an arrow in the forest, I suddenly rushed up from the chair and fell to the ground with a slam.Along with the process of falling to the ground, a bunch of white things sprayed out of my mouth.Almost at the same time, I heard myself yelling frantically: ×Chang Tianli's mother!

Who sent me back that night, and how I got upstairs, I can't remember.This sleep did not wake up until nine o'clock in the morning the next day.When I woke up and sat on the bed thinking about Chang Tianli’s husband being double-regulated, I was full of gratitude to God: It seems that God is fair sometimes, it is impossible for a person to always be unlucky, and it is impossible Always let one person get lucky.However, this does not seem to be able to block my anger. Even though God has punished her for me, I still cannot let go of her vicious framing of me and the bad influence it has had on me: I bumped into the relationship between her and the chief The affair was not spread, but she spread rumors about me because I saw her privacy.No wonder Li Zifeng repeatedly ridiculed me for sleeping with a leader bigger than him?

After I finished eating the deep-fried dough sticks and soy milk that my father put on the bedside table, I suddenly made a decision: I am going to see Chang Tianli, and I will do the same as she did when she knew I was struggling but wanted to humiliate me! Although this decision is a bit cruel to Chang Tianli, although this decision makes me look a bit small, but I don't want to give up, because what Chang Tianli did to me back then was too much.Having made up my mind, I quickly opened the closet, put on the dress I bought when I was doing a TV show, dressed up, and walked out the door.

Maybe it's because the grudge has been avenged and my mood has improved. I found that the pedestrians all over the street became beaming.In the open square in front, over a group of pedestrians coming and going, there are red, willow and green balloons, and banners of different lengths, horizontal and vertical, swinging in the sky with the gentle spring breeze. Amidst the gongs and drums of the sky, he stopped the car involuntarily and looked inside.It turned out that a large-scale exhibition of sugar, tobacco and alcohol was being held here. Cycling past the fair and entering a street full of mobile phone stores, when I thought about meeting Tianli Chang, I made another decision: I want to buy a mobile phone!

Actually, I've been thinking about buying a cell phone since the economy got better.Today, on this day of revenge, the meeting with Chang Tianli made me finally make up my mind.I walked into the mobile phone store with a few thousand yuan in my bag to purchase goods, and bought a small, ultra-thin light blue mobile phone that I had been fancying for a long time ago for two thousand yuan.Then, he couldn't wait to make a phone call to Yuan Yilin.Yuan Yilin was startled when he heard my voice.I told him to call me in half an hour to try the phone. At about ten o’clock, I passed by my bookstore from a distance, and saw through the window that everything inside was normal, so I didn’t stop, and went straight to the office compound where I had worked for more than ten years. As the distance shortened a little bit, my excitement began to fade a little bit. When the two rows of long-lost old pagoda trees in front were fluffy with a familiar green in the sun, I felt a strong sense of sadness coming from that courtyard. , From the day when I was laid off last year, the tunnel through time and space filled the air.I couldn't help but stop the car, stood at the gate of the compound, and looked at the quiet building.With dim eyesight, I still saw the unchanged window where I used to work, and saw the bright red flowers among the pots of flowers and plants on Chang Tianli's window... Suddenly, I felt my eye sockets start to get wet.It’s been nearly half a year, and I clearly remember the scene when I had a conflict with Chang Tianli, and after rejecting her appointment, I walked out of the building. I also clearly remember the feeling I was pushing the car and standing almost at the same place looking at this window , I remember that at that time, my biggest wish was to throw a bomb at Chang Tianli's window, blow up this woman, and let her fly around like a pile of confetti. The world is unpredictable and fate is changeable. This may be the best witness to the changes in the life trajectory of Chang Tianli and me.When I was struggling through the days of divorce and downsizing, and my business was booming day by day, Chang Tianli was kicked hard by the sky.If it is said that the accident of my life was that I fell from the land into the river, almost drowned, and then fell into the water, then Chang Tianli fell from heaven to hell.I can struggle to climb out of the water, dry my feathers, and live again, but if Chang Tianli wants to jump into heaven again, it may be even more difficult.From this point of view, Chang Tianli's mentality adjustment and role adaptation will be much more difficult than mine. I parked the car at the original place, and walked in with a sad look under the strange eyes of the guard.I have been unable to recover the flying spirit along the way. In my mind, if I were to see Chang Tianli’s jokes, it would be better to say that I was to see another tragic character created by God. I even wanted to learn from her. Look for the shadow of me when I was down and down. When people are unlucky, God will not help you.I firmly believe in this point, just like when I was too poor to eat cabbage and steamed buns back then, there was no savior, Chang Tianli happened to be in her office at such a time.It seemed that the worry that she would not be in the office along the way was unnecessary. I finally stood in front of her, like when I walked out of her office, proud and proud, with my head held high, but I was dressed much better than I was then.For a few seconds, none of us spoke or tried to say hello, but just looked at each other, silently competing with each other with our psychology and demeanor. I carefully examined the beautiful woman behind the large office desk, and had to admit that Chang Tianli was Chang Tianli after all, not only was she much stronger than I imagined, but she also showed no trace of downfall.This made me deeply disappointed in my vengeful heart, and I was even annoyed by the sadness that I just had as a fallen person in the world. With a gloating tone, I said provocatively: Director Chang, are you all right? A trace of embarrassment slipped across Chang Tianli's white face. Although the time was too short to detect, I still clearly noticed it based on my relationship and understanding with this woman, and I became happy in my heart.Because in the disaster that fate gave her, this strong and shrewd woman was still unable to swallow all the trauma she suffered like me, and a trace of shadow finally inevitably remained in her enemy—my eyes.However, in the ensuing confrontation, I discovered that in the disaster, what made her superior to me was her heart of self-superiority. She said condescendingly, like a leader, Yuping, I heard that your business has been doing well recently? I hated her pretentious leadership and how she pretended to be decent in a disaster, which made me even more impatient to turn the topic to her family misfortune.So, I said in a strange tone: It's not because of your strengths that I am today.Then, I broke through the shackles of morality, discarded the last bit of pity, and said with a regretful expression, but, I heard, have you been doing well recently? I?I thought Chang Tianli would turn from sunny to cloudy, but unexpectedly, she smiled slightly, and then spread her hands easily and said, don't you think I'm fine?You must have heard it wrong! When I first heard her word "wrongly heard" and saw her extremely controlled smile, I really didn't react for a while, and almost doubted the news of Zhou Zhuwen and Yang An.However, when she suddenly picked up the phone and was about to quarrel, I still realized that she was a little guilty.Immediately I became excited, approached her, pinched the hem of the beige dress on her body with my hands, imitating the envious tone I always showed when she was showing off herself, and said: Your clothes are so beautiful, I guess at least three thousand dollars?Your husband must have bought it from Hong Kong! Unexpectedly, she stood up, and as I was familiar with in the past, she turned around in front of me.Then he stopped, rolled his yellow eyes, and said quite proudly, "You really guessed it right."Then, his expression changed, and he began to repeat the previous story with a half-resentment and half-anger: Hey, it's not like you don't know my husband's problems, so you spend money blindly. I was startled, and once again doubted Xiao Zhou and Yang Zi's news.Just when I was in a daze, Chang Tianli quickly picked up the phone and said, Lao Huang is here to get your documents. She was still scared.I finally felt a little joy of victory, and when I was about to use sharper language to directly uncover her scars, Lao Huang pushed the door and walked in.While handing Lao Huang the document, she stood up and said with a regretful attitude, welcome to come and sit if you have time, I have to go out now, I can't accompany you. I suddenly didn't know how to deal with the current situation. I was in a dilemma. I didn't know whether to stay in her room with the cheek and continue talking to her about her great husband, or go out with her in front of Lao Huang and expose her. At that time, I was already standing outside her door in a daze.Then I watched her lock the door and walk in the same direction as Lao Huang.I hated myself at the time, hated myself for not being able to let her tear off the last disguise in front of me.But the only consolation is that when Chang Tianli just turned away and was about to take a step, my cell phone rang at the right time.Then, next to Chang Tianli, with a vulgar showing off tone, I said loudly into the phone, oh, got it, I'll go back to the store right away! The confrontation with Chang Tianli ended in my disappointment again.Not only did I fail to achieve what I expected, but seeing her in a state of distress and despair, I was thrown out by her instead.On that day, I didn't care whether I was a small person in the city like people said, I just knew that I had been ridiculed and ridiculed by this hateful woman, and was forced to the point of being expelled from the research institute.So why should I pass up the opportunity for revenge when I have it? Three days later in the afternoon, I hired a young man from the labor market for 50 yuan, and posted the documents about Qiang Jian's arrest for corruption and bribery that I got from Chang Tianli's husband Qiang Jian's work unit on the gate of our work unit. I can imagine the sensation this document caused to the work unit, not only from the reaction to Chang Tianli's family incident, but also from people's reactions to the person who posted this document.I can also accurately imagine the shame and blow that Chang Tianli's family scandal exposure brought to this vain woman.Although I knew that my action was a base one, I was carried away by the pleasure I experienced from this risky revenge.Although, I clearly understand what the consequences of such behavioral exposure will be, however, I don't want to stop.Because Chang Tianli blamed me for her date with the deputy director, it had a very bad influence on me.I comforted myself that I only imitated Chang Tianli once, and I also comforted myself that I was even better than Chang Tianli, because at least I didn't make false accusations like Chang Tianli did. I admit that I am not the kind of magnanimous person, nor the kind of incomparably great woman. I cannot calmly swallow those intolerable humiliation and frame-ups in order to cater to my conscience; nor can I sacrifice my psychological balance as a price. , to exchange for a noble reputation; the hardships of life have forced me to be aggressive, and the changeable fate has forced me to learn to be thick and dark. I can only tell myself that I am an ordinary woman, and other ordinary women The weakness that I have is also inevitable.I can be vain, I can take revenge, I can also become thick-skinned and black-hearted because of the teasing of life, because I want to live a better life.Of course, if there is a way in the sky, if everyone is virtuous, and if the economy allows it, who would not want to live a noble life and be a clean person? I didn't inquire about the shock this small-character poster brought to the unit and the consequences it brought to Chang Tianli, but with the joy I imagined, I plunged into the operation of the bookstore.After several months of operating the bookstore, I have already made many friends in the same industry. While I slowly figured out some ways, I also learned a lot of business tips from my friends.Bookstore profits have been on a good upward trend. During this period, in order to pursue more lucrative profits, I began to privately operate some illegal publications or pirated books.I feel that I have successfully jumped out of the naive intellectual business model at the beginning, and I am growing into an experienced and typical businessman, and a cultural businessman.During this process, I found that if a pure businessman learns culture, it is not only very difficult, but also has a very low success rate, but if a cultural person learns to do business, it is not only easy, but also has a high success rate, especially once he becomes a businessman. Perhaps even more commercial than the business acumen of a mere businessman. By the sixth month, the profit of the bookstore has basically completed the profit submitted for the year, that is to say, the income of the next six months will all become my income of the year. The original salary was doubled.With the improvement of the economic situation, the life of my father and son has basically reached the middle level of the city, and I also started to buy some fashionable clothes for myself, and occasionally go to some high-end consumption places with business friends.I feel that what is displayed in front of me is an increasingly open sky. Here, with my wisdom and ability, I can occupy a place in the world of men and in the arena of fame and fortune.I even feel more fulfilled than the days when I followed Yu Zhi and centered on home all day long.During these days, I have gradually alienated Yuan Yilin, and my feelings for Zhi seem to be getting weaker and weaker.The competition for survival in the business field, the crazy pursuit of profits, and the pressure of life have gradually hardened my female inner world. In some individual corners, perhaps something special is being injected.This made me challenge Yu Zhi when I met him by chance, and exposed to him the distorted strong mind in the hard struggle.People always say that adversity can make people, but, for some people, I think adversity can twist people.Now that I think about it, the various pressures and tribulations I endured in those days have already overwhelmed me and started to lose shape. On a Sunday, a few bookseller friends and I just came out of a commercial building integrating shopping malls, catering and entertainment, and we happened to see Yu Zhi and his wife who were going to go shopping in the mall.The unexpected encounter made me feel at a loss for a moment, but when I saw the beautiful young woman clearly, the anger of jealousy made me lose my mind all of a sudden.I have to admit that this man has not gone far in my mind, which makes me extremely annoyed besides being disappointed with myself.I said to my friend to wait for me, then I took the arm of one of the young men and followed Yu Zhi into the mall. I followed them at a distance, waiting for my chance.When they reached a brand-name men's clothing counter on the third floor, Yu Zhi's wife stopped again and began to choose a set of men's suits with a price tag of 1,500 yuan.I saw the right moment, took the young man's arm, walked forward quickly, picked up a suit with a price tag of 2,800 yuan, and said to the waiter, try it? The waiter was busy serving them just now, and when he saw people interested in more expensive clothes, he quickly turned to us and got a set for the young man.The lad tried on the jacket and it was just right.Then, I said to the waiter, we want it, let's wrap it up.Then, under the watchful eyes of Yu Zhi and his wife, I took out a wad of money from my purse. I couldn't count it. It was 3,000 yuan in total. I was so excited that I forgot how to pay the money. The waiter said with joy but apologetically, "Ma'am, we can't collect money. I'll invoice you and you go to the cashier."I was a little embarrassed, but I still held my head high, walked proudly with a rich style, deliberately rubbed their clothes corners, went around and paid the money.In fact, I know that not only Yu Zhi and his wife have misunderstood me, but even the waiter has already regarded me as the kind of woman who keeps a bad face.I don't care about these, even this is the effect I intend to achieve.I flaunted my depravity with an air of arrogance, a shameless gesture that stimulated my emotions.With Yu Zhi's distorted expression on his face, I walked out with an affectionate gesture holding the young man's arm, and I actually felt a kind of pleasure and comfort of revenge.Even though I knew I had to be thick-skinned the next day and watched the waiter return the clothes with blank eyes, I didn't care so much.I am like an uneducated shill, trying to expose my vulgar face with the attitude of a nouveau riche, although I have realized that this poor and pathetic showing off will not only not add to the seriousness. My good opinion will even destroy my original image, but I have lost control. I just hate him and his wife. I want him to see that while he is marrying a young wife, I also have a young man. accompany.This has obviously played a role in Yu Zhi. When I left, I saw his contempt, disgust and hatred staring at me from the corner of my eye. It was better than him seeing me as a passer-by, and his anger and resentment meant he hadn't quite forgotten me.I comfort myself like this. The days are like a river going eastward day by day, and all my misfortunes are like rotten old leaves floating on the river, slowly disappearing in the downstream of the water. Hard to smell.The old father has also gotten used to the closed life in the city.Although the material life has improved a lot, due to the busy business of the bookstore, my father almost took on all the housework and the task of taking care of Chenchen for me.He always gets up quietly before I wake up, prepares breakfast, and sends Chenchen away.Then when I wake up, watch me finish my breakfast with satisfaction.Whenever this time, I seem to have returned to my childhood, to the days when I was poor but happy.At that time, it was the same situation. Every time I woke up, I could smell the aroma of the cooked food and see the eyes full of fatherly love.What makes me uneasy is that after thirty years, when the eyes full of fatherly love have aged to the point of being cloudy, when the little girl who slept late has grown into a vigorous middle-aged woman, life has repeated itself again The story of the year.Although my father never felt that there was anything wrong with this situation, I still felt psychological pressure and anxiety. This anxiety has always been with me in my life, and it has become the motivation for me to work hard and make money. I imagine that one day, like some friends I have met, I will be able to make the scale of the business bigger and bigger and earn more. More money, hire a nanny for the family, free the old father from it, and live a truly happy old age.I have already started to make some preliminary plans in my mind, for example, to double the profit next year, and then merge the depressed gift and flower shop next door. Bookstore supermarket.I even dreamed that one day I could drive my own car, go to Chang Tianli and Li Zifeng, and go to Yu Zhi's house for a while.Of course, there is also the need to make the father as proud of his daughter as he was back then. Whether a person's fate is predestined in the previous life, or whether it is arranged by the gods in the world as soon as he is born in this life, I am afraid that no one can say for sure.Just like people believe in and rely on religion for psychological dependence and comfort when they feel powerless in the face of nature and society, I also seem to see a mysterious force that is difficult to control from my own ungraspable destiny, that is, I always When life was a little easier, I encountered greater misfortune, which made me feel more and more deep in my heart that there must be some supernatural power controlling our destiny and life. One morning in late autumn and early winter, while I was eating breakfast, I was thinking about my business for the day.Dad was standing at the kitchen table clearing away the bowls and plates that were due to be cleaned.My eyes glanced at my father's hunched figure unconsciously, and I suddenly trembled, because when my eyes passed over my father's figure, I seemed to find something abnormal.Instinctively, I looked back, just in time to see the pained and distorted expression on my father's ashen face, and his body that suddenly bent down like a prawn. I didn't know what happened, so I quickly dropped the food in my hand and ran to my father.Father had already sat down slowly, frowning, clutching his stomach with his hands, and groaning in pain.I thought it must be that my father had a sudden illness, so I comforted my father while calling 120.But just as I was yelling like crazy and about to run to the living room, my father grabbed my arm. No, no, Pingping... He squeezed a few short words from his chest, rolling down to his ears like a few heavy stones.I yelled and tried my best to break free from his hand, but my father's strength was so great that his hand was like a pair of pliers tightly grasping my arm, and he said intermittently: I know my illness, old ailment, it's just like that if I can't deal with it, it will be fine after a while.I suddenly remembered my stomach problem, so I had to tell my father, I have stomach medicine, and I will get it for you. After hearing what I said, my father let go of his hand, then lowered his head and continued to fight against the great pain.I brought medicine and water for my father to drink, and my father's stomachache gradually eased.When I proposed to see a doctor in the hospital, my father refused without thinking.I think the experience of being hospitalized last time may have had too much impact on my frugal father all his life.He said more than once that in his life, he had never spent that much money at once.For a rural person who scrapes food from the ground, he has never earned so much money at once.Their lives were not worth that much money, he said.What made him even more incomprehensible was that in rural areas, sickness only cost a few yuan, at most dozens, and rarely more than one hundred.He thought it was terrible here, and as a rural person, he said he was not qualified to get sick and see a doctor in the city. For my father's unreasonable reasoning, I felt the sadness of being a rural person in addition to being sad.Yes, before I stepped into the city, like my father, I never imagined that equal citizens of a country would have two very different lives.I have always felt that I enjoy the same rights and the same benefits as the daughter of a worker's family in the city.Because we are all citizens of the country under the dictatorship of workers and peasants, aren't "workers" and "farmers" equal?However, when I came to the city, I realized that I was more discriminated against than urban citizens, even the children of coal miners and street sweepers, because we are country bumpkins, we have never seen the world, and we do not pay attention to hygiene .What moved me the most was that when we get sick, we need to pay for it ourselves, while people in cities can get back a lot of medicine for free when they get sick.I really don't understand why this is, is it just because we create less value than workers?Don't we pay less labor?Fortunately, after my struggle, I finally joined the ranks of urban people.So, I took all kinds of medicines that I prescribed at my own expense, and proudly said to my father: Dad, you are eligible to see a doctor in the city because your daughter is already a city resident. I ignored my father's illness in this way, and I treated a frail old man as if he were a mature man. Not only did I not force my father to undergo a comprehensive examination, but even in the days to come, when I saw my father holding his stomach and feeling uncomfortable again, He also allowed his father to use the medicine at home for temporary treatment.Whenever I think of this carelessness, I feel a deep hatred for myself.If I deeply analyze my heart, I can't tell whether there is another kind of fear, that is, I am afraid that my father will find out some disease, which will affect my terrible selfishness and ambition that was inflated at that time-I hope I can Accumulate sufficient capital quickly, and expand the scale of operation as much as possible in the shortest possible time. If the heavens have eyes, then my selfishness and ambitions may become an important factor in my retribution.When I put more energy and financial resources into running the bookstore, especially when I just sold a batch of pirated books, made a considerable profit, and added these funds to new illegal operations, another huge crisis in my life The turning point has come. It was more than a month after I discovered my father's stomach problem. I slept until nearly nine o'clock in the morning as usual, and I had a weird dream.In the dream, a very old swallow flew in through the open window, and stood on the top edge of the window, looking at me in fear.I think it's already winter, why hasn't it returned to the south?It must be starving.I went to the kitchen and got some food to feed it.I don't know if it's scared or it's too hungry to fly, but it just stands there and just stares at me in fear.As time passed, its small head began to droop, and its two slender legs began to shake involuntarily.It dawned on me that it might be starving, it might be falling.So, I straightened up quickly, and stretched out my hands to catch it.But when I straightened up, there was a long chirp that pierced my eardrums like a pinprick, followed by a dull thud, accompanied by the clang of something knocked over. I woke up suddenly, sat up straight all of a sudden, and subconsciously searched for the place where the sound came from just now.I glanced first at the window, where everything was as it was, then turned my head the other way, and woke up: My father was curled up by the door, a broom across his legs, and my door was open. At that time, my first feeling was, will my father die?Like the old swallow in the dream.When this idea first flashed in my mind, I suddenly felt my body go weak.I rushed to my father frantically and shouted loudly. By the afternoon, all the fuss had temporarily passed.Diagnosis, testing, hospitalization procedures, and receiving things have all been thoroughly completed, and the drowsy father has also been put on a drip.I finally took a deep breath and began to sit by the bed in a daze.At this time, a tall male doctor walked into the ward and asked me to come out with a calm expression.Like a criminal waiting to be sentenced, I followed behind him anxiously, thinking about the test results implied by the expression on his face, and followed up with his doctor's office. He was sitting behind the desk, the thick lenses were shining circles of white light, I was still trying to find something on his face, but there seemed to be nothing else but tranquility and tranquility.Perhaps death, disease, sorrow, and pain are too commonplace for them, which makes them have developed a professional sense of calmness.Remember which movie or TV said that doctors are not gods.At that moment, I want to say, the doctor is the judge. He picked up some test sheets, raised his face and glanced at me. I knew that the results I had been waiting for might be coming out soon.I tried my best to control my trembling heart, looked up at a doctor's duty list on the white wall behind the doctor, and quietly recited the string of names to divert my fear: Xiao Yunli, Wang Dawei, Yuan Feng... and the surname Yuan yes, strange! According to your father's condition, it does not appear to be gastric perforation.He raised his head and stared calmly at my face. I stopped reciting the name, as if I didn't believe it, I repeated, what did you say? Not stomach perforation. what is that?I felt my body stiffen, and my eyes were involuntarily fixed on the doctor's face.And his indifferent face is still like a blank sheet of paper without any expression and what I want to see.Ever since I saw my father's thin body curled up on the ground, his pale and gray face, and his tightly closed eyes and mouth, I always felt that my father was going to die, and it was because of my neglect of my father that my father's death was delayed.及时治疗，才导致这一结果的。看来父亲真到了危险的关头！在那一刻，我从医生的排查结论后，突然得出这个一直不敢面对，也不敢承认的结论。 what is that?我再一次将恐惧的目光从医生的脸上收回，颤抖着声音，小声问道：是什么病？ 病理检查明天才能出来，医生仍然用不带任何感情色彩的语调说，我们取了胃粘膜正在做病理，结果得等到明天。 不祥和恐惧迅速从医生的身后弥漫而来，像一团浓重的烟雾，把我罩了起来。我竭力控制着自己，仿效着眼前的医生，假装平静地说：你就说最坏的结果吧？ 听到我直截了当的问话，他没有犹豫，像一架没有感情的机器，迅速回答了我的问题：最坏的结果可能是癌症。因此，今天找你谈话，是给你打个招呼，希望你有心理准备。 两天来我一直担心的就是这样的结果，但当这种可能实实在在摆在眼前时，我还是感到了窒息般的恐惧。 我一夜直没有睡。我守在父亲的身旁，一直睁眼看着窗外的星星从繁变稀，看着外边的天空由黑慢慢变亮。在窗口那轮苍白的月亮还没有消失在天际时，我像一个恍恍惚惚的梦游者出了医院大门。 街上稀稀落落的行人匆匆忙忙地行走着，偶尔碰上几个晨练的老者往往会莫名其妙地看上我两眼。其实，我不知道我这么早出来目的是什么，我只是想这样走着，离医院越远越好，最好是走到天尽头，走到精疲力尽的时候，发现这一切只是一场恶梦，父亲还像以往一样或者在农村老家，或者在我城市的家里正给儿子做早餐，而我还在单位，或者在书店忙碌，甚至如果可能的话，最好回到我与那个该死的男人一起生活的日子。如果真能回到那个时候，我想我要重新安排我的生活，我决不能为了所谓的自尊，允许于致跟我离婚…… 大约半个小时后，我已经离医院有很长的一段距离了。我停下脚步，回头望着已经隐在高楼林立的医院方向，我想，现在不管医生多大的声音，我也不会听到那个可怕的消息了。 前方是一个早餐摊点，已有不少人正在就餐。我坐下来，像往常一样要了两根油条一碗馄饨，吃完后，竟发现自己更饿了。于是我一下子再要了四根油条，一碗馄饨，然后在老板娘疑惑的眼光中，在旁边两个男人的奇怪眼神中，再次一扫而光。我打着饭嗝，向老板娘要了一张餐巾纸，边擦嘴边在心里说，既然结果没有出来，那么就还有希望。 半小时后，我心满意足地回到了医院，我觉得自己已有力气迎接可怕的宣判了。