Chapter 11 chapter Ten

From summer to autumn, my son paid 5,000 yuan in tuition because he was admitted to a key junior high school, which made me have to use my savings again.Although Yu Zhi sent his son living expenses every few months, those expenses were subsidized to the family.The hardship of life cannot stop the passing of days, and autumn passed quickly in my depression.When the first snow fell in winter, I thought of my old father and called my hometown thousands of miles away.On the phone, from my father's violent coughing and his weak panting, I vaguely felt uneasy.Although my father firmly denied that he was sick, I still felt an inexplicable panic.Finally, when I told my father that I was going to go home to pick him up, he rushed to the city because he was afraid of wasting travel expenses.

My father is obviously much older, and the dark and thin face has been carved with deeper wrinkles by this year's farming, like the land that has just been plowed after the autumn harvest in his hometown, with layers of indescribable bitterness and fatigue.Decades have passed, and the impression of my father when I was a child is becoming more and more different from the old man in front of me. The mature farmer who often took my hand and walked vigorously in the field is blurring into an irrelevant shadow .Like the protagonist in a rural movie I watched occasionally, he is slowly breaking away from the role of father, going further and further away.I feel that only the trembling old man in front of me is my real father in this life, a farmer father who has gone through hardships and vicissitudes.

Father stood in the middle of the living room, and before he had time to wash his hands, he took off the coat I bought for him back then tremblingly, took out a handkerchief from the black padded jacket inside, and opened it with excitement. what is that? One thousand yuan, my father said cheerfully, was earned by selling grain in the past two years.He also said that this year alone, he sold more than 600 yuan. How many days are there in a year, and how big is six hundred yuan? Perhaps my father has never compared with the income and life in the city.I can almost imagine how an old man who is nearly 70 years old bows his head to farm under the scorching sun for the 600 yuan, and I can also imagine how a poor father saves money for his divorced daughter. At that moment, looking at the handkerchief whose color could no longer be distinguished, I suddenly felt a strong sense of guilt, and it seemed that I had returned to that special day seventeen years ago in a trance.I clearly remember that it was also an open handkerchief, and there was also a pile of money in the handkerchief, but it was the one hundred dollars my father had accumulated over the years, and the one hundred dollars my father had borrowed from other places.My father smiled excitedly, and he said, as long as I am promising, he will earn for me and pay back whatever money I spend.He also said that as long as I study well, I can earn a lot of money in the future, and he can live a good life with me then.However, seventeen years have passed, am I considered promising?Although I have become a city resident and live a city life, apart from the fact that the harvest dug out of the soil has increased from tens of yuan to hundreds of yuan in the past, has there been any other changes in the poor life?

Thirty-seven years old, already in the middle age, I earn a thousand yuan a month, but I can't give my old father a happy and comfortable old age, and my father has turned his back to the sky for a year, digging out bit by bit in the loess. For a daughter like me, it’s not enough to just feel guilty for six hundred yuan, but to give me supplements for my family. To be precise, it should be a heartbreaking crime!However, this is not what hurts my heart the most. What hurts me the most is my father's excited look.For him, he now uses a year's harvest to help me supplement the family, just like raising me a little bit at the beginning. He almost forgot that he is an old man, and a daughter like me needs to be filial He even forgot the idea of ​​coming to the home of his proud daughter to enjoy the blessings.

No matter how difficult we are, no matter how pitiful our father is, God seems unwilling to take care of our unfortunate father and daughter.As soon as my father settled down, I found that my father's cough was getting worse day by day, and he firmly refused to go to the hospital.In order to save money, he bought the cheapest cough medicine in a small pharmacy himself.When I read the instructions, I realized that the reason for the cheapness is that the box of medicine is only two days' dose.Although I bought enough medicine for my father, I still couldn't cure his illness in the end.A week later, I finally took compulsory measures and asked my father to come to the hospital with me.After the test results came out, my father and I were dumbfounded at the same time: my father had pneumonia.

In a difficult life, illness is undoubtedly the worst enemy.And fate just arranged one for us.In this way, my father's one thousand yuan was barely warmed at home, so he handed it to the hospital with little left.This sudden disaster had such an impact on my father that he almost didn't recover his spirits for a few days. I saw him hang his head on the bed in a daze several times, and even when he spoke, he often didn't match his words. language.Yes, that was his income for two years after all!It simply disappeared without a sound.If you have not experienced the hard work in the wind and rain in the countryside and the farming and harvesting under the sun, you will not appreciate the value of that one thousand yuan, let alone in such a difficult background?

I didn't know how to comfort my father's grief, nor cheer him up, after my father's hopes of helping the family were dashed.I had to let my son keep telling jokes in front of him, or take him out for a walk.I know in my heart that I must change the current situation, especially the material life. Only in this way can I let him live a life without worrying about food and clothing, and enjoy the happiness in his later years.To change my life, I had to get a job or make money, or get married.For the latter, I've seen a few with the help of some well-meaning people, but for various reasons, without success.As for the former, after the relationship between me and Li Zifeng froze, I can no longer imagine what will happen at work.

Dare to imagine, and can not stop the development of things.Soon, the consequences of a complete break with Li Zifeng became clear.On the second snowfall day in winter, Li Zifeng's promotion to deputy director was officially issued, and then he and his colleagues in the whole research institute had a big meal in a famous snow building in the city, and even sang in a karaoke bar. It was late at night.And about half an hour after the dinner started, I left the hotel pretending to have something to do at home. I can't tell whether it's sadness or regret, since that night in the small town, every time I see Li Zifeng, I have mixed emotions in my heart. The man I have been in close contact with, although the imprint he has left on my body and mind is far from the impact Yu Zhi had on me, it is still impossible to disappear in a short period of time.And I am his first woman, or whether I have left any traces on his body and mind, it is hard for me to say.Because when I saw him again, every chance was in the office, he was like a strange magician, or more like a strange amnesiac, and his attitude towards me was back to the same way that we used to have between us. The experience he had had never left any shadow on him.In front of me, he is just the gentle and elegant man, a quality and cultured leader. He seems to have completely forgotten the interactions we had, including joy, missing, jealousy, resentment, accusations, and quarrels. Sometimes I can't help but have deep doubts about him, wondering whether that unusual past really touched him, or whether he was serious about me.Sometimes staring at this skinny figure and smart bald head, I really wonder, how can people pretend to be so calm and clever?

After Li Zifeng moved to the director's office, although he didn't do anything for a while, I still felt a little uneasy.Zhou Zhuwen, Yang An, and even the typists and data clerks next door all expressed a distant attitude towards me. It turned out that many people who met and greeted each other and had a good relationship began to look at me with strange eyes.I only heard later that people in the bureau knew that I was abandoned by my husband because of an extramarital affair, and there were rumors that I tried to seduce the boss with sex in order to get promoted.But at that time, I was still kept in the dark. With a stubborn temper, I said to myself, if you don’t want to talk to me, why don’t I talk to you?

The harsh working environment around me and the tense interpersonal relationship are not the most difficult time for me.Another week later, Mr. Huang officially retired, Chang Tianli was promoted to the deputy director, and after the official release of the document that the director was not appointed for the time being, I was completely driven to a dead end.Only then did I realize that all the plots were actually paving the way for today's ending, and I innocently became a crushed stone on Chang Tianli's promotion path.Now that their goal has been achieved, and since I have completely failed, my bad luck should also come to an end here.However, it turns out that this is only the beginning.

Three days after Chang Tianli moved into the deputy director's office with great fanfare, my "History of Yannan Light Industry" was suddenly and miraculously published.That day, I came to work as usual, and as soon as I entered the room, I saw a new book on my desk, with the words "Yannan Light Industry History" prominently printed on the cover.I stood one meter away from the desk, and I didn't dare to move, because I couldn't believe the facts in front of me.When I was completely desperate and thought there was no result, it suddenly appeared in front of me. If I say it is a kind of joy, it is better to say it is a kind of horror.After this series of ups and downs, I have deeply understood that sentence: There is no love or hatred for no reason in the world, and of course there is no such thing as pie falling from the sky for no reason. As I walked over with complicated emotions, I made all kinds of guesses. Before my curiosity and guesses could be released, I was beaten dizzy all of a sudden.The person in charge of the book is one page, and the order is clearly arranged: editor-in-chief Li Zifeng, deputy editor-in-chief Chang Tianli, among the editorial board members (in alphabetical order of surnames), I was ranked fourth.For half an hour, I sat at my desk in a daze.That's how much energy and effort I spent, how many sleepless nights I stayed up, and under what kind of difficult circumstances I wrote it!So many people's names suddenly flew over like a bunch of blood-sucking mosquitoes and stuck to them. They ate my blood!I want to cry but have no tears, and I want to complain but have nowhere to go.At that moment, the one thing I most wanted to do was to find a brick and slap Li Zifeng's bald head. If it is said that this kind of reaping for nothing makes them feel guilty, and thus rewards me, it can be regarded as a kind of comfort to me.However, the subsequent situation showed that this kind of shameless seizure not only did not make them feel a little guilty, but made them worse.Therefore, compared with what happened later, this loss of reputation is actually not the worst thing.After all, this loss has not affected my current salary and close-knit family life.Counting it, the worst thing at that time was the unfavorable situation I faced after Chang Tianli became my immediate boss. Shortly after Chang Tianli took office, the work unit received a document from the superior regarding organizational reform.Then from top to bottom, people in the unit jumped up like fire.According to people's discussion, this reform will lay off some cadres, and the employment of some researchers will also be changed due to the re-selection of positions.In this case, the problem I am facing is that if Chang Tianli hires me as a deputy senior, I will be the deputy senior. If she does not hire me, then I can only get the salary of an intermediate professional title.Although the difference in salary is not much, it is still very important to my difficult life. I was apprehensive, but I waited helplessly for bad luck to come.Because for a vicious woman like Chang Tianli, a woman who has regarded me as a thorn in the side and a thorn in the flesh for a long time, I not only have no possibility of improving our relationship, but even have almost no possibility of letting her let me go.Such an opportunity can be said to be the best time for her to rectify me openly.Half a month later, she finally put on a leader's posture, holding a pen in her hand, and came to the office where she used to stay.When she stood at the door of the office and called my name with the utmost grace and kindness, I had a premonition of disaster. I can't describe my mood at that time, and I can't judge what kind of disaster will happen next. I just mechanically followed her plump buttocks and walked into her office helplessly.The layout of the room is neat and orderly, especially the pots of green plants on and under the window sills add a lot of vitality to this office.Under the slanting sunlight, there is a plant called Brazilian Beauty, like a group of teenage girls stretching their beautiful waists against the sun.I sat across from Chang Tianli and saw Chang Tianli's hypocritical smile. Although I was extremely disgusted, I had no choice but to put on a fawning smile.People under the eaves have to bow their heads.Not to mention my current living situation. Chang Tianli spoke.With a kind attitude, she said how smart and hardworking I was, and even praised me for my ability to work.I'm used to her tricks that seem to be compliments but are actually ulterior motives. I also know that I may have to meet an unexpected work arrangement next.At that time, what I guessed most in my mind was that she might not hire me as deputy high school.But I never expected that Chang Tianli's viciousness once again exceeded my prediction. After she finished speaking a bunch of seemingly praiseworthy words, she changed the subject and said the actual content of her conversation with me. She said, you can be regarded as an old man in our institute, but for this institutional reform, our quota is only seven.The three that were reduced from the bureau came to us, and another leader introduced another one. In this case, our original staff plus these few will exceed two.Therefore, two must be reduced and wait for the arrangement from above. I felt my heart begin to sink, and my palms began to sweat.At that time, I thought fiercely, if Chang Tianli cut me now, I would pick up that Brazilian beauty and smash her to death!But at that moment, I could only control my hatred towards Chang Tianli, waiting for her next topic.She still looked at me calmly, she didn't seem to notice my emotional change, she just said in an elegant tone, for the past few days, I have been trying to get two more places, but so far it seems impossible.So I had to cut two.Zhou Zhuwen has agreed to wait for the post, and Qu Hong, the data officer, has already found another department by himself. I let out a sigh of relief, and immediately felt a little embarrassed by the hatred I had for Chang Tianli just now.It seems that Chang Tianli is not vicious enough to kick me out.However, what happened next proved that I was too happy, or relieved too early.This not only made me hate myself for being simple-minded, but also had to admit that I was not qualified to take the leadership position, and of course I didn't have the strength to compete with Chang Tianli. Chang Tianli ignored my emotional ups and downs, and just talked at length on her own, look at this, our work arrangement has changed.In particular, the post of data officer was vacant.The three people who came here are all from the agency, and Yang An is a man, so the data officer has to condescend to you after thinking about it... I was stunned for a while. I was going to be a data keeper, which was a job for a middle school student. Basically, it was cleaning shelves, coding books, and receiving people who searched for materials.Later, Chang Tianli seemed to express some pity for my insignificance, but I didn't listen to it at all. I just remembered that she said that since the post could not take the title of the research series, the workload and workload involved The content also determines that the salary of this position can only be equivalent to the position of the junior professional title of the unit.Therefore, my salary can neither be hired as a deputy high-ranking officer, nor can I be hired as a mid-level... When I realized it, I felt shamefully fooled and humiliated, and the fire of hatred towards Chang Tianli that had just been extinguished in my chest suddenly burned more strongly, and it rose higher and higher.I felt unbearably hot all over, and my chest was swollen, and I even remembered the idea of ​​picking up the potted flower and hitting her just now.I thought, if it's smashed, it's the face she relied on to climb to the position she is today. Chang Tianli was still performing her talent as an actress, she exaggerated a helpless expression, and kept regretting my bad luck.When she shamelessly said that she felt bad because she couldn't give me a better position, I was once again angered by her ugly face. I stood up abruptly, only to find that my legs were shaking violently.I tried my best to control my body, pointed at Chang Tianli's nose and said mercilessly, you are so vicious! Her face suddenly turned red.But she still maintained her leadership demeanor and said nonchalantly, why do you talk like that!It's not like intellectuals. I was pissed off at her brazen leadership airs and her accusations against me.I continued to vent my anger just now, and then she said, it doesn't matter that I am not an intellectual, it is better than a person like you who is not human. She finally became angry from embarrassment, gritted her teeth, and said sharply, why are you swearing? I was out of control, and all the vicious things this woman had done to me in the past came to my mind.With a trembling voice, holding back the anger that was erupting, I accused loudly, I just scolded, because scolding is already the lightest punishment for an evil spirit like you. She couldn't hold her breath any longer, she stood up and began to reveal her true nature as a woman.She stretched out her long arms and pointed at me, you are so outrageous, why are you so uncultivated? What's wrong with my lack of culture, I dare admit it.Do you dare to admit your evil deeds?You spread rumors, spread gossip, write anonymous letters, have secret relationships with leaders, and then you beat them back, you avenge yourself, and you pretend... At this time, people's discussions came from behind me, and I turned around only to find someone's figure and voice behind the door with a crack.I don't know which sentence I said aroused everyone's concern. People are obviously still waiting for the further development of the situation.I didn't feel ashamed because of being watched, but happy because I exposed Chang Tianli's evil deeds.As if inspired, I continued to accuse Chang Tianli of evil deeds, and prepared to make public the fact that I ran into her having a tryst with a certain leader in a hotel in the suburbs, but when I just opened my mouth, Chang Tianli snapped Break me, I know she's scared already. She walked out from behind the table, walked to the door, and closed the door.Then he stood in front of me, lowered his voice, and said viciously, "If you are cruel, let me tell you, I can hire you or not. I wasn't intimidated by her non-hiring threat, because that position was not a position for me, but a shame.Before she could finish speaking, I quickly answered her. I announced it loudly, hoping that the people outside the door would hear.I said, I also tell you that I am not interested in that position, and I refuse to accept your offer! After saying this, I turned around with my head held high, knocked on Chang Tianli's floor with my high heels, opened the door, and walked into the dimly lit corridor.A few people nearby were quietly dispersing, and Yang An's figure disappeared in a flash. I didn't go back to the office, but walked directly from the corridor to the stairs.I still walked rhythmically, with my head held high, and I went down the stairs with an attitude of indifference.A few minutes later, I was already on the bustling street. There was a bone-chilling air current lingering on the street, and people of all colors shrank their necks tighter in this cold air, hurrying to and fro.I looked up to see the person, but I didn't know which direction to go.When I took my legs again, I suddenly found that my legs were shaking more violently. Only then did I realize what kind of consequences the tragic struggle just now would bring.In fact, no matter how I did what happened just now, the result was horrible.Because of the dilemma that Chang Tianli set up for me, whether I accept the job or not, it will be an embarrassing and painful situation for me.I stopped walking, feeling flustered and short of breath, turned around and looked at the familiar building beside me, at the window on the fourth floor filled with all kinds of flowers and plants, and seemed to see Chang Tianli's proud face. Hatred was burning in my chest, vicious revenge plans were churning in my mind, I wanted to throw a bomb into her window, I wanted to kill this vicious woman. In the evening, the old father cooked another pot of corn porridge. In addition to making a plate of potato stew for his son, he was going to eat fried cabbage with me.The shabby meals and the sight of the son and father giving up meat made my chest feel like a thick pile of cotton, and I couldn't breathe.I swear once again that I will quickly get out of this predicament, find a way out, work hard for the old and the young, and work hard to earn money.I hurriedly finished my meal, bought food worth tens of dollars in a small supermarket, and went straight to the home of Wang Fengshan, the director of the bureau's office. Ever since my relationship with the director had broken down, I no longer paid much attention to makeup.Since the beginning of winter, I have been wearing a bloated down jacket, like a bright seven-star ladybug, round and bulging.My difficult life has prevented me from dress, and my mood from grooming.Holding the address I asked for from my colleague, I gritted my teeth, braved the biting cold wind, crossed the street at night, and rushed into the office director's house. Wang Fengshan stared at me standing outside the door, as if he couldn't believe his eyes.But I didn't care so much anymore, I pushed the door of the director's house a little wider with the grocery bag, and squeezed past him. Wang Fengshan is a middle-aged man with a very kind appearance.He politely asked me to sit down and brought me a glass of water.I didn't care about the noise, and straight to the point talked about my situation and plans.After I finished speaking, he paused for about a minute before speaking.He gently said that I was too irrational, especially at this time.Finally he offered me a plan. He said, now there are several people in your situation, I suggest you better look for other departments first.As far as I know, there are several departments, such as the education department, logistics department, and technical department, whose personnel have not yet been determined. You'd better go to their directors to see if they can accept you.If it really doesn't work, I'll find a way for you here.At that time, I can only make overall arrangements for you people.If that's the case, it might not be to your liking. I had no choice but to accept the director's advice with great gratitude.The next morning, I didn't go into my office. Instead, according to what Wang Fengshan said, I was like an ant on a hot pot, scurrying around to talk to the directors.After a morning, all my hopes were dashed.No department can accept me.Because their establishments are already overstaffed, the reason why they have not fixed the number of personnel is because they do not know who to cut. When I walked out of the last room, I felt as if my body had been finally emptied.I had no choice but to hold on to my increasingly weak legs and greet my colleagues passing by in the corridor with a face full of tears and laughter.I am not a cheerful woman by nature, let alone a strong woman who can calmly face difficulties. Like all ordinary women, I like to rely on, afraid of loneliness, and even more afraid of facing the complicated world alone.However, God seems to have a hard time with me. When I lost my only spiritual dependence—after Yu Zhi, I was faced with losing the last dependence of survival—work.Even though I've been battered and exhausted in this complicated world, I still can't give up, and I have to continue to fight like a man because I have an elderly father at home , and a young son. At noon, after eating a bowl full of noodles that my father made for me at home, I made a bold decision again.I decided to go to the chief of the bureau, Director Yang Gang. When I entered the research institute, Director Yang took a fancy to one of my papers and transferred me. At that time, he was still a deputy director.Over the years, although I have wanted to find an opportunity to repay his kindness many times, every time I was blocked by my so-called arrogance and vanity.To this day, when I was almost laid off, I have no scruples about what kind of thoughts he would have if I went to him rashly. I washed and dressed myself early, and put on the overcoat that Yu Zhi bought for me a few years ago when he was on a business trip. Although it was outdated, I found that I still had the charm of a woman and the elegance of a knowledgeable woman. I hope that my appearance will be appreciated by the director as I did in my thesis, which may add another chance to my success. I still haven't entered the office.Because I don't want to see Chang Tianli, I don't even want to see other people, and I don't want to recall everything there, and that place doesn't belong to me anymore.I went upstairs anxiously, and decided to go directly to the director's office on the third floor.The corridor was quiet, and the faces of those bureau chiefs showed the seriousness and mystery of power.How many times have I walked around the corner of this floor from the stairs, but I have never stepped into the corridor, let alone into the director's office.When I had just walked a few steps and was preparing to say something in my heart, I suddenly saw the door of a certain room in front of me opening, and a white light shot out from inside in an instant, and the floor of the corridor seemed to be painted with a silvery white light. Extend obliquely to the root of the front wall.Then a familiar voice said, okay, that's it, let's make an agreement again! Oh my God!I couldn't help crying in my heart.That's Li Zifeng!The man I once had an intimate relationship with!It was also the man who made me hate him so much that I wanted to kill him. For a moment, I didn't know whether to run back or run towards him.Just when I was wandering in place at a loss, I was already standing in front of him.He held a document in his hand and looked at me quietly.In the dimly lit corridor, a burst of surprise flitted across his pale and thin cheeks, and the bright top of his head reminded me of the various scenes when we got along—our first escapade, the embarrassment when we met again , and the final crazy quarrel and the result of that book... I felt the resentment and hatred that was burning in my chest surged like a raging tide again.Under the impact of this torrent of hatred, I boldly stared into his narrowed eyes, straightened my back that was bent because of timidity just now, and took a step forward with a proud attitude. I just took the first step and walked to his side, when he suddenly spoke, his tone was soft and calm, as polite as ever.He said, you have never been to my office, come in and sit down? For some reason, I stopped suddenly and turned to face him.In an instant, I saw tenderness and pity on that face, and even a trace of pain mixed in it.Like being enchanted, I accidentally forgot the resentment just now at that moment, and followed him into his office. What kind of man is this?After that fierce conflict and breakup, he was able to live in peace with me as calmly as if nothing had happened. Is everything in the past just like that night, just his drunken madness?And after waking up, everything has disappeared with the evaporation of alcohol?But what about the ending of the book?I have to admit that that book should be the most direct evidence and consequence of that rupture. It doesn't matter that I can't figure out what kind of man this is, the worst thing is that I can't figure out what kind of woman I am.After having such a heart-rending relationship with him, I was able to forget the fire of hatred just ignited after his relaxed sentence, and obediently follow his ass. Is this stupid or mentally retarded? Worse, it's even harder for me to tell.In this way, I sat like a poor fool in his simple and tidy office, waiting blankly on the sofa opposite him, but I didn't know what to wait for. He spoke, and after a few gentle greetings, he began to calmly explain how the book was published.He said that it was the publishing house where Chang Tianli ran, and Chang Tianli and several of her friends participated in the compilation of several new chapters, so he had to condescend to me.It's that simple, his calm tone made me feel that all my original grievances and anger were almost unwarranted.When he finally regretted that I hadn't been mentioned, I was immediately awakened and even irritated by the hypocrisy he pretended to be.Then I returned to normal IQ, changed from the dazed and calm just now, and suddenly became angry. I said, why are you so hypocritical, isn't all of this the result of your hope and hard work?Isn't all of this due to your operation? He was still looking at me calmly, as if he had anticipated my reaction and was prepared, so there was no need to panic about my anger.He just said in a slightly reproachful tone, why do you talk like that? What's wrong with me talking like this?Do you want me to thank you for laying me off?My voice was involuntarily raised. He seemed to be taken aback for a moment, but immediately returned to normal, he said, laid off?what happened?Is there anything I can do for you? Hearing his "help" like a show, my anger soared even more, what are you helping?You have already helped me a lot. You helped me change the manuscript to someone else’s name, and you helped me get laid off. What else do you want to help me? The bright top of his head is shining in the sunlight outside the window, reflecting the light.I boldly stared at the beam of light, and without waiting for him to speak, immediately overwhelmed him and said, take a rest, I don't beg you, I came here today to find the director. His calm demeanor could no longer be maintained, his thin face began to twist, and the pen held between his index and middle fingers impatiently tapped on a newspaper on the table. When I finished talking about looking for the director, He finally let go of his fingers, and the pen fell onto the newspaper with a clang. A few dazzling rays of light on the golden cap of the pen danced a few times in front of his eyes, and then fell silent. Almost at the same time, he leaned forward, lowered his voice, stretched his neck, stared at me with contempt and said, are you still using the office for the director?He said "you" and "office" heavily, like a finger poking at my nose.I can even hear the words hidden in his stomach: Can you just ask the director and say no directly on the bed?I can't tell whether this mysterious man is jealous of the director, or angry because of our past enmity. I felt insulted again, but in that furious situation, I was still like the last time he mentioned that I was dating the leader, not only did not know how to explain and confess myself, but because of hatred, I went smoothly again. Facing his misunderstanding, he said, you don't seem to be in control of this kind of thing, it's up to me where I want to find him! After saying this, I looked at him contemptuously with an arrogant demeanor. For about two minutes or more, none of us spoke, and we were engaged in a psychological contest with each other with our eyes and demeanor. Only he The water in the heating pipe behind him occasionally splashed, as if laughing at the sadness and ridiculousness of the world. After I walked out of Li Zifeng's office, I realized that this contest had almost exhausted my strength. In addition to the limp feeling all over my body, I found that my tears were streaming down again.Just as I was wiping my tears and wondering whether to go forward or go back, Director Yang Gang happened to send someone out from his office. They walked towards me side by side, and they were about to come to my side.But I stopped there, hesitating and not knowing whether to advance or retreat, while subconsciously wiping away my tears.When Director Yang Gang and his guests walked past me, they looked at me at the same time, and Director Yang had obviously recognized me and smiled at me as a greeting.I adjusted my expression and looked at the director, trying to force a smile or even say hello.But the moment I grinned, instead of laughing, I shed two streams of tears. One of the chief's feet was stepping over me, he stopped suddenly, turned around, and looked carefully at my face.Although I was quickly wiping the tears from my face, the tears were still pouring out like crazy, and I had to leave the director quickly and walk forward quickly.A few minutes later, I found Director Yang standing in front of me. He bent slightly and said condescendingly, what's the matter? I couldn't answer anymore, because the director's concern made my sensitive nerves become fragile because of the strong gratitude, and only uncontrollable tears responded to the director's greetings.He politely stopped asking me, but motioned me into his office. This is the second time I have entered his office. The first time was many years ago when he called me into his office when he transferred me to the research institute.But he was the deputy director at that time, and the office building at that time was still an old building.Times have changed, he was promoted from deputy director to director, and the old building was replaced by a new building, but I was still that unbelievable woman. Apart from getting old, not only did I not make any achievements, but I was also down and down to the point of being laid off. 他一进屋，就示意我坐在他对面的沙发上，然后走过去拉开抽屉，为我拿来几张面巾纸。其实我一直在拼命地平静自己，但是，当我接过面巾纸，看见白白净净的局长坐在对面，和善地看着我，似乎在等着我稳定情绪好谈话时，我发现自己悲伤的泪水又转化成了感激的泪水。我并不是忽视局长的威严，而是感动于我一直畏惧的领导竟是如此体贴和柔和。特别是在面临下岗的恐惧处境里，在刚刚遭遇了与李子峰的较量后，心力交猝、走投无路的我那怕受到一点恩惠，都会感激涕零，更别提他如此容易接近了。 我的情绪慢慢安静下来，然后，抬起因为流泪和擦抹而变得红肿的眼睛，看向对面的局长。他静静地坐在办公桌后，脸上正浮出一副鼓励的神态。我心中一瞬间产生深深的敬意，还有难以说清的感觉。我觉得这个男人才是优秀的男人，虽然他已五十岁，但是，他仪表堂堂，神采翩翩。不知为什么我突然想起了李子峰，如果李子峰能像他这样，那怕别太枯瘦，我们的结局是否会好些呢？ 他打断了我的走神，亲切地对我说，说说吧，有什么委曲？ 我被裁减了。我已经能够平静地说出自己的问题了。 他吃了一惊，坐在椅子上的身体竟然不由自主地向前挺了挺，然后，简短地说出了四个字：怎么回事？ 我一时不知从何说起，竟在他的问话后，沉默了大约一分钟。我本想告诉他李子峰对我的书稿所做的手脚，告诉他常天丽如何与副局长约会却因为被我撞上，倒打一耙散布我与某位领导睡觉等等这一系列的阴谋的，但是当我出口时，我才发现面对一个如此敬畏的领导，即使我说出这些恶心的话题都会觉得自己恶心和小人。于是，我只好简单地将常天丽聘我做资料员，我拒聘的事说了一遍。 杨局长在我说完之后沉默了，他低头盯着桌上的一份文件，不知是在考虑我的事，还是因为我的拒聘而生气不想管我的事。我忐忑不安地揣摸着他的心思，后悔自己的语言表达能力之差：本来我是被逼拒聘的，但当我说出来后，我发现给人的印象是，自己是没事儿找事儿拒聘下岗的。 想到这里，我感到有些心慌，而局长还在沉默，这使我更觉得惶惶无措。我只好鼓励自己说，我要孤注一掷，我要把我该说的都说出来，顶多局长说我没有修养，但起码我让局长明白了常天丽和李子峰是怎样的人，以及我是怎样被逼到今天这个地步的。 我咬了咬牙说，我并不想拒聘，只是常天丽欺人太甚…… 局长突然打断了我的话，或许他不愿听我们之间鸡毛蒜皮的纠纷，或者他早已感觉到这些纠纷是一些什么性质的无聊东西，也许他不愿听到知识女性说出一些没有风度的话语。他直接接过我的话茬说： 你有什么打算吗？ 我……我不由愣了一下，心想我能有什么打算。于是，我只好告诉局长我的处境：我已问了好几个处室，他们都人满为患，我已经无处可去了，我也不知道该怎么办？ 他皱了皱眉头说，既然如此，现在有这么一个机会，就看你有没有勇气了？ 听到前半句，我大喜过望，但整句话听完，我又感到心中紧张起来。 他说，看见刚才那个客人吗？他是咱们FASHION书店的承包人，今年到期，但他希望继续承包。我们考虑到机构改革将使一部分人从业务中脱离出来，因此想趁机收回。不知你有没有胆量进入这个领域？ 承包书店？看见局长微微点头，我大吃一惊。其实我是属于那种按步就班之类的人，一直习惯于听从领导的安排而工作，从来没有想到自己会有一天去搞经营，而且自己单挑。 局长没有理睬我的反应，或者他已经料到我的反应，因此他开始解释这项工作的具体情况。他说，书店的承包额是每年三万，如果是内部承包，我们打算适当降一降，一方面照顾内部职工，一方面也是因为我们的职工初次涉足这个行业，经验不足，先给一个锻炼机会。 我已经开始随着局长的话题，考虑自己是否能够迎接这个挑战了。我一面分析着自己的能力，一面仔细听着局里所给的优惠条件。他说，据领导班子的初步考虑，书店经营的承包额将降到二万。另外，单位将无息借款一到两万元给承包者，到年底连承包费一并还清。 这时，我想起袁一林多年前曾经经营过书店，我想起码他会给我助一臂之力。于是，我决定接下这个对我来说完全陌生的工作和挑战。