Chapter 5 Chapter Four

A week later, Yu Zhi and I filed for divorce.Just as it was so easy for him to chase me back then, it is so easy for him to disintegrate this family today.It seems that nothing can't happen. In the complicated world, everything is unpredictable.I used to not believe that families are so easy to disintegrate, did Yuan Yilin also never believe that love affairs are so easy to end?And the truth is, that's how it ended.When we got that green book, I was heartbroken with grief.I lowered my head, turned around, and, like prey from a hunter, hurried through the narrow corridor to the stairs.Yu Zhi called me from behind, but I ignored it, and I didn't want to. All I wanted was to keep me away from him, so that he wouldn't see my weakness and disappointing tears.Desperate, I sprinted down the stairs and onto my bike into traffic.

The sun was shining overhead, and tears were streaming down my face. Sadly, I seemed to have seen the gloomy and bumpy fate in the future, maybe just like the narrow path in front of me, with twists and turns and potholes.However, on this road, I have no choice.Even if there are thorns ahead and the road is muddy, I have to go on alone, with self-esteem, self-improvement and courage.There are two people in front of me who are talking and riding their bicycles slowly, which makes me feel blocked.In my grief, I began to ring the bell distractedly, and then rushed between the two of them as if I were in some hurry.In fact, there is no destination ahead, no one waiting for me, and no place for me to rest.If I said that I rode straight forward in order to quickly leave the sad place where my marriage ended and the person I hated just now, it would be better to say that I just rode forward aimlessly. The tension that comes from this makes me have no time to take care of the pain in my heart, even if it is just to relieve it.

A taxi pulled up slowly in front of me, almost blocking the flow of bicycles.The man who got out of the car came straight to me.From that familiar figure, I can already see that it is Yu Zhi.Standing in front of me, he motioned for me to get into his car as calmly as before, as if the scene of the divorce just now did not exist.While I admire his calmness, it also makes me hate this hard-hearted man.I wanted to tell him, like he told me that night that he hated me for being spineless, I hated his hypocrisy, hated his sanity.So, in the face of his pride, I disobeyed him for the first time: I pulled the bicycle from his hand forcefully, raised my arms and wiped away the tears that were flowing in my eyes, and then, a second before getting on the car , took out the oath that he had recited many times at night from his bag.It says, Yu Zhi, I will not beg you until I die!

Next, I stubbornly threw my head back, raised my chest high, stepped on the bicycle without hesitation, and rode away with Yuzhi's stunned eyes.However, just when I experienced the joy of successfully controlling myself for the first time in front of Yuzhi, I cried even more sadly.Because I know it's the first and last time, because we'll never be in a relationship again.To this day, I still can't deny that I love this man, deeply love this man who makes me difficult to grasp.Just like he attracted me at the beginning because of his surprise, our whole life until the divorce, he has been conquering me in this way, I can't stop being fascinated by his character and behavior, and there is no way to get rid of it His personality hurt me.The more I resented his headstrongness and arrogance, the more I felt myself loving him.I thought if he changed his personality, it might be a question of whether I could still love him as deeply as I used to.In this way, his divorce and his arrogance may be the important reasons why I still love him.Perhaps it is this that determines the sadness of my fate.This is an out-and-out fate!

The road stretches under the car, like an endless conveyor belt, leading me to an unknown future.When the prosperity and hustle and bustle of the urban area were slowly blown away by the autumn wind in the suburbs, a three-way intersection appeared in front of me.I stopped and faced these three roads, not knowing which one I should choose to go on.However, what made me ashamed was that habit made me subconsciously turn around again, and I suddenly hoped that Yu Zhi had been following me, and that Yu Zhi would arrive in time to help me when I encountered difficulties as usual.However, looking all over the faces of the descendants, he was not there.I suddenly remembered that just now, with the oath on that note, I had completely abandoned my dependence on Zhi.So, I turned the car back, gritted my teeth with a strong attitude, endured sadness, and rode on the car.The moment I got into the car, I told myself that I would rely on myself to prove: I can live a good life!

Yu Zhi only took away 50,000 yuan and his own personal items, and withdrew from my life, leaving me the house, son and everything in the house, and another 50,000 yuan in savings.Thus ended our thirteen years of family life on a sunny morning. At noon that day, I once again made up my mind to improve myself at the three-way intersection, and turned back with illusory self-confidence.While telling myself that I want to live independently and live better, so as to finally prove my last promise, I suppress the overflowing fear and worry deep in my heart.Because I know that now I have no choice, no way out, for the sake of my child, for my self-esteem, and for my vows, I have only one way—that is to grit my teeth and move forward.

In order to prove to myself, to prove to that man, for this first breath, and for this beginning, I ate two packs of instant noodles that were swollen, soft and rotten at noon, then wiped the corners of my mouth and left the building.I am going to work! This decision was almost at noon, and I made a decision after looking for a thousand and ten thousand reasons for myself.Who can believe that a woman who has just received a divorce certificate can go to work and work in the office with a calm demeanor? It was only when I was in the sunshine in late autumn that I realized how weak and vulnerable the accumulated resentment and hatred accumulated over the past few days, and the courage accumulated from it, were accumulated in one noon.In the bright sunshine, although I try to straighten my chest, I still feel that courage is slowly evaporating and spreading from the heart and body like steam with the autumn sun. Going to work, for me who just divorced The woman is a cruel decision.I tried my best to suppress my growing desire to turn back, but I couldn't restrain the extreme helplessness and fear that were growing crazily deep in my heart.When the confidence and self-esteem gathered in my body, like the water sprinkled on the road by a sprinkler, slowly disappeared into the air with the baking of passing cars and the drying of the sun, I had already seen the building where I worked .At that moment, I suddenly jumped out of the car subconsciously and stopped.I looked down at my own shadow on the ground, and asked myself weakly, am I afraid to move forward?

No, I'm not afraid!I tried my best to deny it, but when I told myself not to be afraid, I found that I didn't dare to go any further, which made me depressed and disappointed in myself.Yes, since you have encountered a disaster, since you are very sad, why do you have to hold on?Why not be soft?As soon as this idea came up, I felt a quick negation in my mind: no, absolutely not!Didn't I already swear to Yu Zhi?Haven't I already made up my mind to improve myself?Why can't you stick to it at the beginning? ... When I was hesitating and looking for enough reasons for myself to move forward, Chang Tianli's familiar figure suddenly flashed out of the front hall.For some reason, when this woman appeared in front of my eyes, the only hesitation I had disappeared instantly with the closed door behind this woman. In front of an old enemy like Chang Tianli.However, it was too late to escape, and Chang Tianli seemed to have guessed the disaster I just experienced, and she was walking towards me with a smile on her face.

You look scared, what are you afraid of standing there?Is there a bomb in our building? Chang Tianli's words reminded me that if I were to say what my greatest wish was at that moment, I think, I really hoped that terrorists would throw a few bombs to destroy everything in front of me, including this stinky woman, and let everything in my heart be destroyed. The fear, and the psychological pain of having to hold on, all melted away.However, a wish is just a wish after all. When I regained my senses, the building in front of me was still standing quietly under the sun, and the excited Chang Tianli approached with her towering chest.I swallowed hard, and changed the stiff expression on my face into a wrinkled crying and laughing.The process of transformation was so difficult, it was raw and awkward, like opening a curtain with rusted tracks.

I am not afraid of bombs, what I am afraid of is that there are evil spirits in the building.I let out a little bit of breath from the sadness just now, and released my own poisonous gas. I said that I saw a ghost with a long tail at the door just now. Yeah?It seems you are daydreaming!Chang Tianli smiled contemptuously, took a letter from the mail room at the door, and quickly turned back to the office building. Since nothing can be changed, retreating can only be a sign of weakness.In a few words of quarrel with Chang Tianli, I feel that the sadness brought about by the divorce is being replaced by hatred: it must be this woman's anonymous letter that caused Yu Zhi's idea of ​​divorce, and the photos taken by this woman accelerated Yu Zhi Act of Divorce.Yes, what happened to me today may be something that she has been quietly operating and waiting for for so many days. Facing my divorce, maybe she is already happy in her heart.How can I show my collapse in front of her, no!I can not!I can cry in front of anyone, but not in front of her.A student wearing a school uniform with blue background and white stripes was walking behind me with her schoolbag on her back. She happily hummed a familiar song while throwing away the empty yogurt carton.A car passed by at high speed, and the cardboard box rolled up along with the dead leaves scattered on the road, and fell right under my feet.I looked up at the door of the hall where Chang Tianli disappeared, then I lowered my head and kicked at the cardboard box.When the cardboard box was spinning like a bird rushing into the distance, I suddenly pushed up the car and stepped into the unit compound.

If it is said that putting in work can temporarily forget, even if it relieves the pain caused by the family, it may not be a bad thing.But my office may forever be a reminder of another kind of pain.And this pain is all the more unbearable in today's state of mind.Because a scene that I least want to see, especially today, is happening in the office as usual: Chang Tianli is complaining to Zhou Zhuwen, Yang An, and Qu Hong, the girl in the reference room, about her new shoes.In fact, complaining is worse than showing off, because I have been with her for many years, and I have a deep understanding of this woman's tricks.She complained that her husband spent money indiscriminately, she complained that the shoes he bought her were too expensive, which was almost equivalent to her monthly salary, and then, several colleagues around her began to admire and envy, and in the admiration, she pretended to be hypocritical The sigh slid out of her body surrounded by perfume, and fell all over the room... I knew that after the sigh, she would attribute her husband's "shortcoming" to the noble family of her husband's family. Over the years, I have known her show off as I know myself, because it is almost the most familiar work background I have ever worked with her.In this environment, I am full of envy and yearning for her showing off, but also burning with hatred and jealousy, because her showing off always carries a kind of unattainable superiority, especially a kind of respect for her. The contempt of those of us of commoner origin.Almost without exception, this boast reminded me of my humble origins, the poverty of my family, and even my general appearance.This made me resent after the initial low self-esteem.At this time, I thought, one day, I will use my power to prove that I am not worse than you. However, at this moment, I am sitting at the desk, looking at her stupid face, listening to her boasting about her husband's family, but I am numb.I feel such a failure, no, I don't think it should be called a failure, but a humble fate that I may have been born with.I have no beauty, no noble blood, no wealth, not even the husband that a woman should have, and just this morning, on this glorious day, to--I The man I loved abandoned me.In the face of such a world of contrast, how pale is my aloofness and arrogance mocking me?I really want to ask, who is in charge of life?Who is in charge of destiny?I also want to ask, why should I be born with a heart higher than the sky and a life thinner than paper? In this contrast and resentment, the pain caused by the divorce and the resulting tears once again diffused from the depths of the eyes like fog, and I felt the layer of protection that I had armed myself in front of Chang Tianli for many years. The hard shell began to peel off piece by piece like an aging wall.Chang Tianli seemed to have seen the fragility of the wall. Holding that beautiful shoe, she walked towards me as if holding a shovel and swearing to peel off all my poor old walls.She praised that my feet are very beautiful, and maybe her shoes are more suitable for her, and at the same time let me try the shoes.At that time, tears welled up in my eyes and my throat was choked. Although I tried my best to restrain myself, I couldn't stop the grief that was collapsing.While I was looking for a way to deal with Chang Tianli, I complained in my heart, God, is it not enough for you to take away my husband?Why must I be tortured like this? I held back the tears I was about to shed, and lowered my head to do the paperwork. This is the second time in the many years of dating with Chang Tianli that I dare not face Chang Tianli face to face. The first time was after a conflict over my novel. The time we were in front of the director.When Chang Tianli walked up to me and once again reprimanded Yu Zhi for not buying me beautiful shoes with ulterior motives and asked me to try them on, I actually gritted my teeth and swallowed the tears that welled up in my throat.I blinked my tear-blurred eyes hard, lowered my head, and said in a "joyful" tone, save yourself, my feet can't enjoy it.Then, I picked up the information I had been collecting, stood up feebly, as if I was half short, and walked through their laughter and laughter step by step.The moment I stepped out of the door, two strings of tears flowed from my eyes. In this way, I surpassed my weakness and fear, and supported a belief with my innate stubbornness to bring the disjointed life into order again.I worked diligently, collected data and wrote the "History of Light Industry" with a desperate spirit, and at the same time suppressed the pain caused by longing and hating.I know that as long as this book is successful, my professional title will not be a problem. This will not only make up for the pain caused by my marriage, but even bring me a better job.With Li Zifeng's original attitude, my future may be improved, so I can proudly prove to Zhi that not only can I live independently, but I can also make achievements in my work.Of course, in front of Chang Tianli, I can say with pride that the knife in my back didn't kill me, I am still me, even stronger than the original me. In this beautiful vision and even a little arrogant idea, my uncharacteristic, especially the state of working hard naturally aroused Chang Tianli's reaction.I caught her secretly flipping through the documents on my desk several times, and even tried to figure out what I was doing several times.I understand her extreme jealousy, and if I make new achievements in my work, it will be a kind of torture to her, just like when I published papers in core journals from time to time.She is the kind of woman who desperately wants to get ahead, but is unwilling to study and delve into it. Apart from being keen on showing off herself and spreading gossip, she is also jealous of other people's merits.I remembered an article about Chinese mahjong, which said that mahjong is the culture that best embodies the inferiority of the nation in Chinese culture.In this kind of game, everyone is in a state of defending against the top player and topping the bottom player, especially resolutely preventing the dealer from winning.I would rather not win myself than let others, especially the dealer, win.I think, in Chang Tianli, I can clearly see the essence of this mahjong culture.In her eyes, if anyone surpasses her in that aspect, she may not even sleep well, and will not find a way to achieve psychological balance. I think she may become sick from anger.Although I have been guessing that the anonymous letter and photos were done by her, but without evidence, I have nothing to do.Therefore, in order to win the publicity, I just want to target her psychological weakness - I am afraid that I will make achievements at work, the more I have to make a little to show her.What's more, having lost my marriage, my only dependence now is work. While I was working hard, Chang Tianli was also working hard, but her job was frequent dinner parties.She was originally a woman who couldn't sit still, and she was naturally energetic, which made her extremely enthusiastic about parties.And this kind of enthusiasm does not mean that the purpose of her dinner party is blind.If the dinner party is just to vent her abundant energy, it is better to say that it is a tool for her to achieve her various goals.Through parties, she can show off herself, her beauty, her wealth, especially through gathering all kinds of gossip.Then, with great work enthusiasm, process it according to your own needs and hobbies, and finally spread it through dinner parties.Knowing her for many years, I can fully imagine her attacking me with great fanfare and embellishment at this kind of dinner party with my serial.Rather than saying that she is suitable to be an intelligence officer of the CIA, it is better to say that she is more suitable to open a private processing and dissemination radio station.In my unit, and even in the circle around me, if anyone wants to spread some news, they can be 100% successful as long as they go through one channel.That is, as long as Chang Tianli lowers his voice and tells Chang Tianli what he found, he will be done.The dullness of life and boring work make people yearn for all kinds of condiments of life.And Chang Tianli's radio station is the maker of this condiment.Her existence undoubtedly adds a lot of fun to people's after-dinner life. With her efforts, I can already feel the change in the atmosphere around me.I even ran into a scene where Chang Tianli was holding my serial and chatting with a few half-aged mistresses with mysterious expressions.However, I don't care about her slander. In this situation, all I care about is my subject. One evening in early winter, I was still writing the history of light industry in my office.The surrounding is silent, only my thoughts are like an inexhaustible spring flowing under the pen, and I feel that I have entered a better and better writing state from the initial jerky.Going on like this, I think within four months, the first draft can be produced. Suddenly there was a small sound behind me, I turned around and saw the door opened a small crack, and at the same time there were several light knocks on the door.When the door opened, Li Zifeng, who was wearing a casual windbreaker, was grinning at me, and his bald forehead once again caught my attention first, because this should be the brightest point of view on him.I quickly withdrew my gaze and stood up to express something, but Li Zifeng walked over while motioning for me not to move.He was sitting on the sofa against the wall, facing me, and only then did I notice that he was still holding a large portfolio in his hand. He asked me if I had eaten, and I said no.He asked my son what to do?I said that I made a lot at noon, and my son only needs to heat it in the microwave when he gets home.Then he stood up and said very naturally, let's just eat together! His sudden proposal made me think of that anonymous photo and even that anonymous letter for a moment, and the trauma of the divorce began to ache in my heart for a while.Although I am full of fear of this kind of meal, although I am extremely reluctant to interrupt my train of thought, I have no way to refuse his proposal, not to mention that I am really hungry.So I quickly adjusted my state, and I told myself that I am now a woman who faces the world alone, and what I need in the future is not only being strong, but also being strong.Otherwise, I will not be able to gain a foothold in society and will not be able to shoulder my obligations and responsibilities.Thinking of this, I calmly folded up the thick materials at hand, just like folding up the fear that I had just raised.Then, with calm steps, Li Zifeng and I walked out from under the guard's eyes like two good friends, past the acquaintances who occasionally came out or went in the unit, and came to a nearby small restaurant openly. During that whole process, I almost didn't want to think about myself as a woman, a single woman who needed to avoid suspicion.Perhaps since Yu Zhi left me, the recognition of fate has forced me to face the whole outside world like a man, and to take care of family life like a strong man.In the adaptation and training of this kind of life, the female dependence psychology that existed before, and the weakness of women have been deeply buried in the bottom of my heart like that morning of divorce.However, it is difficult for me to say whether this kind of depression and this kind of forced concealment will never return in the future life like that day of divorce.Especially this night, when I once again experienced Li Zifeng's meticulous thoughtfulness and warmth more deeply, I was even less sure whether I would wrap the neutral cover tightly forever, because at that time, I found that The calmness and toughness that I tried my best to pretend to be is actually a kind of fragile vase, but the place where it is stored is too firm so that it is not easy to break.I think as long as there is one hand, even if it is a gust of wind, as long as it blows to that quiet corner, it may shatter in an instant. He gently raised the curtain for me and moved the chair for me. In the poor environment of the restaurant, he naturally picked up the napkin and helped me wipe the cup, and then tore off the plastic paper on the outer layer of my chopsticks.With just such small movements, I suddenly felt that the hard shell I had built in two months began to fall off. For a moment, I felt that a trace of the female-specific texture in my body began to come out naked.It has been so long, I have almost forgotten the feeling of being cared for by a man, even if it is just a kind of care, I feel unfamiliar. He still eats with me in a manly way, not a leader's way.In his soft words, he said very naturally, no matter work or life, as long as you have any difficulties, just say it, and I will help you.When I first heard this sentence, I didn't notice anything, but when I inadvertently raised my head and saw a trace of pity in his eyes, I suddenly realized the seriousness of the matter.Because I judged that he already knew about my divorce.Although this kind of thing is always kept secret, in an environment like China where the concept of collectivism is particularly strong, who can keep the privacy of divorce secret for a long time?I sat quietly, staring at the steam rising from the teacup, and felt a kind of pain creeping up in my body—it was a kind of pain from being touched by someone. Thanks to that simple meal, I have always maintained my strength and self-esteem, and thanks to my devotion to work for several days, I have not forgotten my most important task.It was only when the dinner was about to end that I realized Li Zifeng's real purpose for tonight.One of his projects needs final drafting and proofreading, and he will be on a business trip tomorrow, so he hopes that I can sort out this manuscript in the shortest possible time. I agreed with all my mouth, as a kind of return for him to give me a separate project.That night I went to school until two o'clock at night.I feel that all my passion for work has been activated by him. With full energy and the fastest speed, I completed this task with high quality during the business trip between Li Zifeng and Chang Tianli. However, I was so naive, even naive.When I was working on my project with greater enthusiasm and faster speed, I felt a change, that is, Chang Tianli's arrogance in the office became obvious, and she began to create all kinds of troubles for me. .However, that project almost became my entire spiritual pillar at that time, and I put Chang Tianli's various provocations aside with the belief that completing it would make me stand taller than Chang Tianli.While imagining the proud posture I can pose in front of her after I complete this project independently, I am desperately writing the manuscript. More than a month later, the proof of the book I proofread for the director came out, and to my surprise, on the copyright page of the book, behind the name of the director, was Wang Fengshan, who is from our bureau. A director of the office, besides that, Chang Tianli's name is impressively imprinted on it. It was a cold winter afternoon, I went back to the office to drink water in a daze from the reference room, and saw a neat and fresh book sample on Chang Tianli's desk.I walked over to take a look while drinking water, however, just turned a page, I felt as if I had been slapped in the head, and I was confused.Zhou Zhuwen picked up the book from my hand and glanced at it, then threw it in front of me like a piece of trash, then pointed to my nose and said with a smile, you seem to have seen a ghost, what is there to be surprised about? You thought the director was a vegetarian, and you thought Chang Tianli was a fanatic. I suddenly understood Chang Tianli's arrogance, and Li Zifeng's obvious alienation from me recently, because a month ago, when I was playing my life to search for information and write a manuscript, while dreaming of defeating Chang Tianli, Chang Tianli Tianli has already defeated me in her own way.She easily defeated me without having to play hard, fight at night, work overtime, or even use a little brain.In that moment, I once again felt the sinisterness of society and my own failure.What promotions to fill vacancies, what titles, what publications, what else am I fighting for?Chang Tianli has an absolute advantage in our competition with just this easy name.Fortunately, there is still no movement in our institute so far, so I comforted myself and said that as long as I finish writing the project and get a professional title before the reform of the institute, then I still have a glimmer of hope.Until the end, you can't give up easily, don't know the outcome, let alone say you failed lightly. However, this setback has only just begun, and in the days that followed, I realized that this was just a small victory for Chang Tianli, who is good at fighting openly and secretly.And her other blows to me were almost regardless of time and place. In every opportunity she seized, she kept shooting sharp arrows at me, hitting me to pieces. Chang Tianli's most common blow to me is to humiliate me with my financial difficulties. She uses a kind of vicious, aggressive meanness to constantly exaggerate, publicize, and spread about my frugal life, almost making myself the last All the pretense of decency and vanity was stripped away.I felt that my spine, which had always been noble and proud, was becoming bent and weak under her humiliation. I really wanted to leave this working environment forever and escape from this horrible place. Since my divorce from Yu Zhi, my financial situation has gone from bad to worse.In the first month, I didn't realize the seriousness of the matter, and I was still consuming in my usual way of life, but when the guy who ordered milk knocked on my door at the end of the month, I found that there was only one hundred yuan left, And there are still seven days left before the wages are paid.That's it, I only ordered a bottle of milk for my son and removed mine.By the second month, my son had paid 200 yuan for two specialty classes; my son’s daily lunch, car pass and pocket money totaled 250 yuan; Yuan; my son's winter clothes are too small to fit, and he bought a suit for 150 yuan.Even though I kept counting, the salary was spent ten days before the salary was paid.I had to withdraw money from the living expenses my husband had saved for my son when he divorced.At this time, my skin care card also expired, and the annual fee was more than 1,000, so I had to bear the pain and not renew it.By this time, I have personally felt the poverty and helplessness of life.Looking at the paint-peeled leather shoes under my feet, I had no choice but to bite the bullet and wear them in Chang Tianli's seemingly caring but mocking tone again and again. Although it is an indisputable fact that life is stretched, I still maintain the last vanity.I don’t want to admit in front of people that I’m miserable. I’d rather use a way of changing my living habits to deceive others to cover up my poverty. Although it seems ridiculous and sad, I still don’t want to be pitiful and poor. a feeling of.I don't know why there is such a stupid vanity, and I don't want to ask what other people think of my vanity.In that situation, what I seemed to be most afraid of being exposed was the circumstances of my divorce, and the poverty in which I lived. Chang Tianli understands my weaknesses better than anyone else, even better than myself, because she has the same vanity as me.This shared vanity enabled her to read my mind on the basis of her own psychology.That day, when I came back from the reference room and entered the office, I was startled by Chang Tianli's yelling. Standing in the center of the office, under the watchful eyes of Zhou Zhuwen and Yang An, she suddenly jumped up to me with an exaggerated "ahhhhhhh" in an air of concern.She stood only five centimeters away from me, and I could almost see my deformed face in her yellow eyeballs, and then my nostrils were filled with the strong smell of her perfume.She reached for my face with one well-kept hand. Oh, your complexion is getting worse and worse recently, have you not been to the beauty salon for a long time? Facing her sudden questions and concerns, I was a little overwhelmed.Inertia told me she was thinking about humiliating me again.I stopped for a moment, trying to see something from her yellow eyes, and when I tried to analyze her eyes, I found that she was also staring at mine with full attention, I think at this moment, our purpose may be the same De: We all hope to see what we want to know from each other's eyes.After making such a judgment, I slowly withdrew my eyes, walked around her, walked to my desk calmly under the watchful eyes of Yang An and Zhou Zhuwen, and put the file folder away , then raised his face and said in a calm manner, I don't have time recently. She didn't feel frustrated by my indifference, perhaps that desire to challenge was inspiring her.She turned back from where she was standing just now, walked to my table cheekily, put her hands on the corner of the table, lowered her head and said in an anxious tone, how can I do that?This age maintenance is the most important.What can you be so busy that you can't even take care of this?What's more, it's only once a week, so you can't spare two hours? When she said the last two sentences, she turned to look at Zhou Zhuwen and Yang An, hoping to get their approval, but Zhou Zhuwen and Yang An seemed to have not listened to our conversation, and were busy with their own affairs with their heads down.Chang Tianli still refused to let it go, she raised her voice again, and said to Zhou Zhuwen and Yang An, Zhou Zhuwen and Yang An, are you right? Zhou Zhuwen and Yang An looked at us in a dazed manner at the same time, as if they were saying, what's wrong? Seeing their concern, Chang Tianli became even more excited. She said seriously, what do you think is more important than a middle-aged woman taking care of herself?Are you right, especially for intellectual women like us, aren't you? Zhou Zhuwen and Yang An nodded and said yes.Then they put their heads down again and went about their business. Yu Zhi is so outrageous, he doesn't even care about your face... This woman's sudden malicious reminder made my heart tremble suddenly.How could I forget Yu Zhi?How can I forget?After many days of depression, after I was finally able to work peacefully in front of people, this woman always reminded me of my pain unexpectedly and uncovered my scars.I still endure mental torture in the gap between work. The watch on the wall pointed to eleven o'clock, and I thought, it's almost time to get off work, and I have to leave this vicious woman as soon as possible, because judging from the excited expression on this woman's face, I don't know what tricks she will use to humiliate me next.However, just as I was clearing the table and getting ready to get up, Chang Tianli suddenly shouted happily again, Zhou Zhuwen, Yang An and Yuping, I am treating guests today.After dinner, you can accompany us to do beauty treatment, if you still have time to go shopping with us, okay? I was the first to reject her invitation, and then Zhou Zhuwen also said that he had something to do, only Yang An happily accepted.常天丽是那种极富战斗精神的女人，在她的心目中，没有比与人斗心眼，斗心智的事情更让她快乐了。她软硬兼施，以半撒娇半无赖的手段硬是将我拖上了她叫的出租车，然后周铸文在我上车后也怏怏地上了车。我坐在后车座上，心里充满着对常天丽的极度愤怒和对自己的失望：我总是在常天丽的面前被动挨打。我知道常天丽今天请饭并不是目的，她让我到美容院才是她真正的企图。要么我做不起美容，好让我在同事面前丢丑，要么我打肿脸充胖子让自己难受。我不知道这个女人为什么不能给我留一点面子，留一点余地，她为什么如此热衷于落井下石。就在我不停地想着接下来如何应付常天丽的美容邀请时，我发现出租车停了，而且停在了我家宿舍楼下。等我看见常天丽那扭过头的白脸时，我突然间明白了常天丽的用意。 几乎同时，常天丽那欢快的声音穿过车内暖风的嗡嗡声，飘向耳朵，她说，快上去，拿你的美容卡吧。 我哪里还有美容卡，上个月我就买不起了，甚至在与于致决断的那天就决定了我的生活只能如此俭朴。因为我自己的工资几乎连我与儿子的正常开销都有些吃紧，在这种情况下，这种奢侈当然就再也不是我这样的女人享得起的了。但是，我知道这种状况永远只能是我的一个秘密，我最不能说给的人就是常天丽。 在常天丽再一次催我回家的声音落下时，我带着讽剌的口吻说，算了，我那家美容院怎配得上你这样的贵夫人呢？还是去你常去的那家吧！ 我想我的回答一定是出乎常天丽的意料了，她一时竟然没有反应过来，我想她刚才一定在预测着我拿不出美容卡时的尴尬，并为自己的阴谋得逞而得意。汽车重新开动了，常天丽也反应过来了。她没有扭头，冲着前方以欢快的口气说，这样吧，名族丽人新开了连锁店，正推出一项新产品，我们干脆去试试好不好？我没有表示反对或者不反对，我在想着挨一会儿算一会儿，车到山前必有路，但是有一点，那就是，我不能输在她的面前，不能让她当众看我的笑话，即使我花完今天上午刚发的工资，我也要争这一口气。 中午吃饭的时候，我采用常天丽的一贯作风，在满面笑容的掩盖下出了一口恶气。因为我点的两个菜，常天丽多花了将近二百多元。然而，就在我暗自窃喜，感到寻到了一点心理平衡的感觉时，常天丽却只淡然地说了一句话，便重新让我有了一种失败的感觉。她说，不要紧，我老公能报销。 我没有在周铸文和杨菴面前丢脸，也没有让常天丽看成笑话，但是为了这份所谓的面子或者是虚伪或者是自尊，那天中午花去了工资的将近二分之一，其中做美容花了一百五十元，买鞋花了三百八十元。这个结果却使我那个月的生活几乎陷于食不裹腹的境地。尽管生活费已经少得可怜，但是当初那个不能因为失去丈夫让儿子生活水平下降的誓言，使我在保证儿子仍然能吃到新鲜果蔬的情况下，只好勒紧自己的裤腰带。从穿上那双漂亮皮鞋的当天，我便买了一颗我最讨厌的大白菜。然后，在那整个月的饭菜中，我都是在儿子吃完饭后，才吃我的那碗白菜就米饭，唯一调换口味的便是曾经吃过几斤稍贵于白菜的土豆。我不知道下岗工人的日子是不是也是这样艰难，但是在我吞咽那一片片难以下咽的没有油水的大白菜时，我感触最深的便是，有钱才是最重要的。 这个月的噩运似乎还没有完，当我一天天数着日子等待着发薪日的到来时，儿子有一天下学突然说需要三十元钱，班里要开圣诞联欢会和庆祝元旦。我知道元旦来临时往往工资发在元旦以前。但是现在离元旦还有七天，而我的手里只有四十五元钱了。我一遍遍摸着那薄薄的几张纸，感到万分为难。取银行的存款，显然要损失利息，这对收入微薄，生活艰难的我来说，那点利息也是难得的。因为就我目前的状况来看，几乎看不到任何能改变目前处境的可能，更没有为儿子未来上大学存下钱的可能，所以在这种情况下，银行里的那五万元几乎是我能供得起儿子上大学的唯一支柱。因此在我还没有其他收入的情况下，我是不能动它的。 我一咬牙，在给了儿子三十元钱后，我竟用剩下的十五元钱一直支撑到元旦前一天发薪日。而那几天，鬼才知道我是怎样度过的。