Chapter 18 Chapter Seventeen

The autumn wind invaded the city in bursts, and the colors of the streets became more and more bleak. Except for occasionally repeating some good old days in her dreams, Gu Haiyang never even returned a call. His indifference made her gradually lose the desire to have a conversation with him. She read some prenatal knowledge every day, and previewed some parenting lessons. Knowledge, time is not the best healing machine, the so-called peace is just a gesture for others to see, and the turbulent dark waves in the heart are only self-knowledge. Because I haven't been back to my mother's house for a long time, my mother gradually became dissatisfied with Gu Haiyang, and often complained to Xiao Xiao: I thought I was smart, but in the end I found someone who was good at acting before marriage, so I just became the department director , as if the father-in-law and mother-in-law do not exist.

Xiao Xiao laughed: Isn't he busy? No, he often sends me to see you, isn't that enough? Mother was noncommittal, touched her face, smiled and said: "It's okay, Xiao Xiao, it seems that you are living comfortably, and you have gained a lot of weight. I have no requirements for him. As long as you live comfortably, I will be satisfied." Oh, cough, it is said that the mother-in-law loves her son-in-law the most, but in fact, is it because she treats her son-in-law well so that he can treat her daughter well? Mothers are not selfish. Xiao Xiaoqiang smiled: Mom, it turns out that you didn't treat him well from the bottom of your heart.

My mother laughed at her for being cheap and acting good. After coming out of her mother’s house, it was still early, so Xiao Xiao wanted to go to the commercial street. Recently, she loves to look at the baby products in the mall. , What will this thing look like for a baby in the future? After shopping for a long time, I bought some things that a baby will use as soon as it is born, such as soft woolen clothes, and hanging bells hanging on the crib. When she walked through the French windows of a western restaurant, she suddenly remembered that her mother said that she had gained weight recently, so she stood down and looked at herself reflected in the French windows. It appeared, as long as you pay attention, you will see her bulging belly. She doesn't want her mother to see it, so she puts on an apron when she enters the door, helps her mother in the kitchen, and her mother asks her to take off the apron after dinner. Dry, talk about eating fruit for a while, the juice drips on the cashmere sweater and it is difficult to wash.

Xiao Xiao smiled at himself in the glass, brushed up a strand of hair that had fallen on his face, looked inside by accident, and vaguely felt that there was someone who looked like Gu Haiyang, so he collected himself and lay down on the Looking through the glass, sure enough, it was him, sitting opposite a red-haired woman. The woman lit a cigarette, smiled and blew a smoke ring at him and said something, Gu Haiyang burst out laughing. Since his mother passed away, Xiao Xiao has never seen him smile. The woman suddenly tilted her head and pointed to her forehead. Gu Haiyang reached out, lifted her drooping hair, tucked it behind her ear, and pointed at Xiao Xiao. On one side, a flawless white face was revealed, and the woman smiled shyly, as if her wish had been granted.

Standing outside the window, Xiao Xiao felt a wave of heat, starting from his heart, thinking about spreading out of his body, but when it reached his hands and feet, it turned into shivering coldness. She didn't remember how she walked into the restaurant, or how she walked to the table step by step, and she just stared at Gu Haiyang's face without saying a word, motionless, just looking at him. Her unexpected appearance obviously made the woman a little flustered, she looked at Gu Haiyang, calmed down quickly, picked up her handbag and hurriedly said: I'm leaving first. Gu Haiyang glanced at Xiao Xiao expressionlessly, as calm as facing a stranger who had misidentified him, across the table, he stretched out his hand and pressed on the woman's shoulder: Luo Mei, sit down.

Then, he dragged the steak in front of her, cut it finely for her, and pushed it back: the taste will be bad if it is cold. It seemed that there was no one standing there at all, and everything was calm, calm and orderly. Xiao Xiao felt that her body began to shake violently. She thought, she can't stand anymore, and if she stands still, she will fall down with the child in her belly. Yes, she doesn't want to fall down, and she doesn't want this man to fall down. Helping herself up, she didn't want his fingers to touch her body, even if it was only an inch away, and she never wanted to let her eyes see this man, and she didn't want his eyes to fall on her.Otherwise, everything is self-defeating.

She turned around slowly and walked out, she said no cry no cry, but the tears are not obedient, she said I can't run, I have to leave calmly, even if I get down on the street, don't stand in front of them gaffe. When she got to the street, she started to run, and everything around her seemed to be out of sight, she only heard a crazy clicking sound hitting the street, stretching towards a distance she didn't know. She knew that before this moment, she was still unwilling to admit the lost love. From this moment on, she had completely lost it, completely far away, so far away that even if she used the speed of running, she couldn't catch up.

She was too tired from running, and she was afraid that she couldn't move anymore. It was useless to run anywhere. She didn't know whether she had lost her love, or she was lost by love. She looked at the street blankly, Looking at everyone who passed by, she stood up and walked slowly home. On the way, several taxis slowly stuck to her and asked: Miss, do you want a car? She didn't respond and walked straight ahead. When she got home, it was already midnight, she turned on the light, and saw a man sitting on the sofa, he was smoking, and the whole living room was full of smog, the blue ashtray was the one she thought was beautiful when she was shopping for wedding supplies I just bought it and prepared it for the visiting guests. In this beautiful and blue ashtray as deep as sea water, there are corpses filled with cigarettes.

Yes, it is a corpse, this home that was once a warm nest of love is now a corpse of love, cold and without any warmth. That ashtray was a beautiful coffin. Under this beautiful coffin, there was a piece of paper with printed words on it. Without looking or asking, Xiao Xiao guessed what was on it. After walking in the middle of the night, her heart has turned from madness to calmness. She put down the bag that had been shattered during the running, and it fell to the ground with a crash, like the sound of love she heard falling, and the things inside fell apart. All over the ground, Gu Haiyang's heavy eyelids were startled.

She calmly unbuttoned the coat and said, "Wait a minute, I'll sign right away." She turned her feet up and hung the coat on the hanger. Gu Haiyang's eyes slowly moved from the scattered things on the ground to her body and stopped on her swollen belly. Those eyes were like a frozen fish, stuck to her body. on her belly. Xiao Xiao smiled, walked over, pulled the piece of paper without looking at it, and signed his name. Gu Haiyang raised his hand, hesitating, and suddenly closed it on the hand she was about to leave: you pregnant? Xiao Xiao pulled out his hand and said: Yes, but it's okay, you can go.

Gu Haiyang raised his head, stared at her calm face, and asked tremblingly: You vomited that morning, was it because you were pregnant? What do you say?Xiao Xiao put on his slippers and entered the bedroom. Ever since she saw Gu Haiyang cutting steak for the woman named Luo Mei, her heart had already died, and with her last hope, she was annihilated in the wind of early winter. Xiao Xiao pulled back the quilt, got in, opened the parenting book he just bought, heard Gu Haiyang's footsteps outside the door, hesitated for a while, moved in little by little, stood by the bed for a while, and slowly lay down on the bed, Putting her head on Xiao Xiao's lower abdomen, the hot liquid permeated the thin quilt and spread over Xiao Xiao's body. She flipped through the book, didn't speak, and didn't want to look at him. Gu Haiyang gently stroked her lower abdomen through the quilt: Why didn't you tell me? Are you willing to listen? Is there any difference between telling and not telling?Xiao Xiao chuckled: You should go, oh, that girl is beautiful. As he spoke, he turned over and shook Gu Haiyang's head away from his body. Forgive me, Xiao Xiao, forgive me... Gu Haiyang murmured: I won't leave, and I won't leave again. Don't miss someone who no longer loves you. A child is just a by-product of love. His arrival does not prove that love still exists.Seeing that Gu Haiyang refused to leave, Xiao Xiao got up, picked up the quilt, went to the sofa in the living room, and turned off the light. In the darkness, Gu Haiyang wanted to lean on her face: I have nothing to do with her, but you went, and I suddenly wanted to be malicious. Ah.Xiao Xiao chuckled again, got up, carried the quilt into the bedroom, in the dark, her eyes were open, the curtains were not drawn, and the winter moon looked misty and chaotic. She was surprised to find that she hadn't shed a single tear since she entered the house. Perhaps this is what they often say about grief. It's all wind blowing through the window, and it has nothing to do with me. That night, Gu Haiyang didn’t leave. He lay on the bed, stroking his mother’s photo and said: Mom, you know, we all misunderstood Xiao Xiao. She didn’t dislike your dirty food. She was pregnant. The grandson you are looking forward to, mother, this is such a happy thing, but why did it become like this? The mother in the photo is still kind and can't answer all his heart-wrenching questions. From the moment his mother died, his heart ached and turned into a hard iron plate. When he saw Xiao Xiao, he would think of his mother who was hit by a car beyond recognition, and cold hatred penetrated from the bottom of his heart between his teeth. . He tried hard to forgive her, but when he saw her, his heart became hard and cold, like ice that refused to melt. He tried hard for a month, but he still failed. The more persistently she wanted to get him Forgiveness, the more he hated her, hated her like a killer disguised as an angel. That kind of hatred made him almost unable to restrain himself. He was worried that if he lived in the same house with her again, one day he would be driven out by hatred to do cruel and stupid things. Therefore, he rented a house outside and returned to the house. Being single and lonely, he no longer avoids Lome as he used to. He would drink tea and chat, or have dinner together. As for love, he never thought about it. He knew that Lome was interested, but he didn't want to love again. The previous love has completely broken him, and he is still in a broken state and has not stood up. The relationship between a man and a woman because of loneliness and frustration is not love, but a game. By nature, he is not good at games. I had dinner with Luo Mei last night and licked her hair, but it was because Luo Mei peeled the lobster, his fingers were covered with sticky lobster juice, and he asked him to help her remove the strand of hair that was always dangling in front of her eyes. Don't put it behind the ear, but Xiao Xiao bumped into the eye. When Xiao Xiao stood in front of him, he just wanted to hurt her and vent the anger in his heart. Hearing her footsteps running away, he felt a burst of pleasure that hurt her enemy first, and then Depressed, he went back to the office, hesitated for a long time, and finally decided to end this torture, so that both hearts could be reborn. When he looked at the baby products scattered on the floor, he froze for a moment, and then saw Xiao Xiao's slightly swollen belly, and suddenly remembered her vomiting that morning. I have the heart to kill myself. He thought of many midnights when she stood outside the door, eagerly trying to say something, but he roughly blocked her back. He tore at his hair, remembering that he tortured her with indifference some time ago, he was an unreasonable and cruel devil. He was attacked by a bone-piercing pain, like a flood that broke a bank, sweeping across his body in a mighty way, making him roll and fall in it, without a moment to stop, the pain was so painful that he couldn't find anything. There is no reason to forgive myself, and there is no escape gap, except for self-blame and hatred for myself. The torment that I would rather die than live. It was dawn, and when he got up, he realized that he had been lying in his clothes all night. He got up, went to the door of the bedroom, and looked at her quietly. She was still asleep, lying on her side, holding his other arm with one arm. Arms, long hair, hovering on the snow-white pillow like dark clouds, serene face, long eyelashes a little wet, cheeks with the unique rosiness of pregnant women, nose wings slightly opened and closed, like a holy painting. He went to the kitchen and fried two Italian omelettes, her favorite. The bottom was browned and crispy, the top was soft and milky, and the milk was reheated. When he did all this, his heart was filled with soft warmth, and then Going to the bedroom, I printed a kiss on her forehead. This is Xiao Xiao's favorite lip alarm clock, full of loving tenderness. Xiao Xiao opened his eyes, and when he saw it was him, he closed them again, like a scumbag. bed for kids. When he tried to kiss her again, she turned around and fell asleep inside, so he had no choice but to say, "Breakfast is ready, you can get up and eat." What answered him was silence, and even breathing similar to falling asleep. Gu Haiyang had no choice but to pack up and go to work. Hearing the sound of the door, Xiao Xiao got up and looked at the things on the table. The steam was wafting and the aroma was tangy. She looked at it for a while, then took out eggs from the refrigerator, fried them herself, drank milk, and went to work. Feelings are really a strange thing. Just before last night, she was still thinking about how to get him back to her side, how to make him see her bulging belly, and make his eyes overflow with boundless joy and happiness. However, since last night, her heart has been like a hard stone, and she no longer wants to be moved by this man. When he kissed her, she really wanted to be moved, but what rose in her heart was that he was concentrating on He cut the steak for Lome, what does the juice oozing from the steak look like?Like the love for him stored in her heart, he cut open her heart with a knife, and this love was lost from her heart in bits and pieces. In the evening, Gu Haiyang came back early. He tied her apron and was cooking soup in the kitchen. The flower arrangement on the porch was replaced by a bouquet of fresh red roses. There was also a bouquet of carnations on the tea table, symbolizing the auspicious and warm yellow color. Seeing her come back, Gu Haiyang poked his head out of the kitchen with a shovel and said, "Little fairy, from today onwards I will strengthen my cooking training, and I will cook you delicious and nutritious soup every day." Xiao Xiao didn't respond, hung up his coat, and went into the bedroom to read. When Gu Haiyang called her out for dinner, he lazily put down the book, walked straight past him, went to the kitchen, turned on the stove, heated it up and put it away yesterday. With the soup in the refrigerator, I reheated two rice dumplings, brought them to the table, and ate them myself.Gu Haiyang watched her doing all this in silence, and eating in silence, so he filled a bowl of soup and put it in front of her: "Drink some, the soft-shelled turtle I went to buy today." Xiao Xiao pushed it away, quickly finished his meal, put away his rice bowl, and said: I have already signed, and everything can be over. Then, he entered the bedroom and closed the door. Gu Haiyang watched the soft-shelled turtle soup slowly cool, and wanted to cry, but he wanted to ask her forgiveness, but he didn't know how to say it. The pot of soft-shelled turtle soup was poured out after all, Xiao Xiao didn't drink it, and Gu Haiyang lost his appetite. In the days that followed, it was always like this. In the morning and evening, Gu Haiyang carefully prepared meals for her, placed them on the table, and poured them out when they were cold. The same was true for the fruits he bought, starting from a small It started to become moldy, and the moldy spot expanded a little bit, spreading the whole fruit, and then it was thrown away. They are like their love, which has deteriorated to the point that no one wants to touch it. During the period, if Meixi came, she would destroy the fruits without any scruple before they had time to go bad. She always said while eating: Xiao Xiao, if only Chen Lu treated me like this.Afterwards, he gritted his teeth and said: If I can't catch up with this man, I will never give up in this life. Xiao Xiao flipped through the book, and Gu Haiyang actively offered advice beside him, like a brother-in-law trying to please his sister-in-law. Meixi's mouth was open, and she said mercilessly: You have the courage to teach me, if you are capable, you can coax your own wife first. Meixi could see that Xiao Xiao was unwilling to forgive him, and she had persuaded Xiao Xiao in private: It's almost done, what are you going to do? I don't do anything, I just want a divorce. Cut, it seems that this is not your original intention, right? Can't the original intention be changed midway? Meixi said it was inexplicable, since Tiexin was going to divorce, why did she keep the child? This has nothing to do with divorce. Meixi patted her hand: Too much self-esteem will only hurt yourself, you can't be angry in life, do you understand? I understand. Don't tell me you are just acting out of anger when you vowed to catch up with Chen Lu? Meixi froze for a moment, thought for a while and said: No, I think it is my ideal to catch up with him, and there is no one more suitable than him to be a husband. Good luck to us all. I finally understand one thing, when you have an ideal in your heart that you can cuddle with, you will not be afraid of anything. At night, I lay on the bed, looking at the stars in the sky, and watching the strands of them walk past my window. Before the clouds, I often feel that life is beautiful, and I can’t help but want to talk to myself. I talk to them, and tell them what I feel about Chen Lu. They blink, as if they understand I don't know if they will spill my words into Chen Lu's dream. I never thought that the night would be so beautiful and peaceful. You are so poetic, hasn't your passionate flame roasted Chen Lu's heart? How to put it, I think he is like a monk who wanders away from time to time in terms of rationality and piousness, and I can see the sparkle of passion in his eyes, but soon, he pushed him back. When we were walking together, I Quietly took his hand, ah, you don’t know how nervous he is, my hands are wet from the sweat in his palm, as far as I can tell from my experience, a man’s nervousness is a sign he likes, it’s abominable Yes, he always finds an excuse to take his hand away as he walks. The two muttered for a long time, Meixi got up to leave, pressed Xiao Xiao and said: Sit down, I don't dare to ask you to drive me, someone will be anxious. Xiao Xiao was not polite to her either, so he heard Gu Haiyang send Meixi away and said: If you have time, come and accompany Xiao Xiao. I must come here when I have nothing to do, otherwise it would be a pity that such a good fruit would be ruined by no one eating it. Gu Haiyang was not alienated by Xiao Xiao's indifference. He cooked vegetables and bought fruits as usual, and then saw them turned into garbage and threw them away without any complaints. In the morning, he followed Xiao Xiao and sent her to work at the Children's Palace. In the afternoon, he went to wait for her at the gate of the Children's Palace. Xiao Xiao was silent and calm along the way, as if he was not around him. When my mother came to see Xiao Xiao, she would often scold her for having a childish temper. Gu Haiyang didn't bother her or annoy her, so why didn't he eat or talk to him? After hearing this, Gu Haiyang hurriedly explained for her: Mom, I'm not good enough, always disappointing Xiaoxiao. The mother said to Xiao Xiao in vain: Pregnancy is a matter of course. Don't think that being pregnant means becoming a hero and a high-ranking princess. Xiao Xiao said, don't tell her mother about the past, she doesn't want to make her sad, but the mother who didn't know it thought that Xiao Xiao's temperament changed drastically after she became pregnant, and she became more and more unhuman. Xiao Xiao didn't want to argue, she would rather let her mother think that she was unreasonable than let her know the indifference and difficulties she had suffered. The latter can make a mother sad or angry more than the former. As Xiao Xiao's body became heavier and heavier, the days passed day by day. Winter went, and spring came. Xiao Xiao went to the hospital alone with her heavy belly. She no longer envied those mothers-to-be accompanied by her husband. When the lack is passively overwhelmed, people will feel so fragile that they cannot bear it. When this lack becomes their own active choice, there is nothing they can't bear. When making a choice, it also means choosing a responsibility. Whenever she thinks of the scene in the western restaurant, her heart feels like falling from the sky. She knows how beautiful the past life was, but she also understands more clearly that she can never go back to the past. That night, the western restaurant This scene is like a transparent wall, full of sad symbols, she can look through the transparent wall to see the beauty of the past, but she can no longer go back to the past through it, there is beauty on the other side of the wall, but is fragmented. Everything Gu Haiyang did, she felt was no longer love, but an embarrassing entanglement for her. She didn't have much energy to deal with him, she just wanted to wait peacefully until the child was born, and free up her energy , make a break with him. As for now, let him do whatever he wants, at worst, just treat it as a meaningless performance.