Chapter 4 please let me keep your sinful secret

Susu saw those yellowed books, understood the personal relationship between her mother and uncle, and understood that they did not die from her mother's postpartum depression, but from her father's sense of failure and boredom.All of this is because of my father, who is a psychiatrist, who is good at hypnosis... Dad turned off the music: Susu, ask mom to cut the cake together. The living room fell silent, and the eyes of the guests followed Susu's back. Then, Susu's shrill scream came from upstairs, and footsteps came on the stairs. Amidst the dumbfoundedness of many relatives and friends, Dad closed the door pushed open by Susu with difficulty. Inside was a large bed with two bodies on it, white and glaringly exposed in the autumn sun, a man who was with his mother, Two years ago, I broke in with snowflakes on my shoulders, looked around the whole old building and said: Dad is gone, this family should be half of me, right?

His name is Qiang, and he left his grandfather with his grandmother when he was 3 years old. 20 years later, his sudden appearance, like an ominous cloud, enveloped the family that was already lacking in happiness. , No one can do anything to get him.The birth of Susu caused her mother to suffer from postpartum depression. She didn't like to see people and didn't like to talk, thinking that everyone was laughing at her getting fatter body. She was bored in the house, chewing all kinds of snacks to resist unwarranted panic. That day, it was Susu's 10th birthday, which ended in chaos. Later, her father held her hand, turned around, and slowly went downstairs under the sympathetic eyes of everyone, and cut the cake with Susu.At night, Dad stared blankly at the messy living room and asked: Susu, what wish did you make?

Su Su shook her head, pursed her lips tightly, tears fell down suddenly. Mom went downstairs, she leaned on the railing, looked at Dad, passed Dad's gaze with a calm expression, took the fruit basket and went back to the room calmly. The next morning, while Dad was still asleep, there was a lonely ticking sound lazily. Susu searched for the sound, and there was another scream, piercing the tranquility of the morning.The old dark red blood spread into a pool in the center of the living room, and the remaining blood was still dripping from the ceiling. Dad ran out and pressed her upturned little head on her shoulder. The blood came from Mom's room. She and Dad had been separated for a long time. She said Dad ruined her in the name of love. She was once a slim, beautiful and proud woman. .

When her mother died, she slashed her uncle's body with a knife, wrote a suicide note, and then slit the main artery in her own neck. Relatives and friends who attended the funeral, no one expressed regret or sympathy for the deceased, but more comforting father. In the ten years since the incident, most of Susu's comments on the death of her mother and uncle can be summed up in four words: blame for nothing. Growing up has weakened Susu's hatred for her mother and uncle. For more than ten years, she has been entangled in an inexplicable sense of guilt. Her mother's death has an inseparable relationship with her.

She couldn't forget that the moment she opened the door, her mother looked over her uncle's shoulder and looked at her blankly, without the slightest sense of shame. The autumn sunshine stood coldly on his smooth and solid back. Susu cried and told her boyfriend Chen the secret she had hidden in her heart for many years: Do you know?It is said that birthday wishes will come true if kept secret. Dad asked me, but I didn’t say anything, because the moment I opened the door, I hated them to the core. It was they who made Dad lose face. That day, the wish I made was to let them die. . Chen stroked her back: That's just a legend, it just happened to you again.

But Susu was determined in her heart that she was the murderer who indirectly killed her mother. Although her mother shouldn't act disrespectfully with her uncle, after all, she was a patient, and she was sick because of herself. Why did the mother breed such vicious thoughts? Dad seems to have been defeated by an accident more than ten years ago, thin and pale, with a pair of piercing eyes piercing through everything in the world. Many women like him, but he never remarries, and occasionally brings women back. Let's go, for fear of being bumped into by Su Su, in Dad's eyes, she seems to be a glass bottle, which will shatter if not careful.

Dad would never take the same woman home twice, the exception was a little nurse, she knew how to make Susu happy, and knew how important Susu was to Dad. At that time, Dad was already a well-known psychiatrist. Depressed people, after his hypnotherapy, walked in the sun with a smile on their face. The little nurse smiled and had two deep dimples on her cheeks, very sweet, her father brought her back, after her father fell asleep, she stood in the middle of the living room in her pajamas, looked up at the stained glass on the skylight, her chin It was so beautiful. At that time, Susu suddenly had an impulse to ask her father to marry this sweet little nurse. The little nurse must be willing. When she looked at her father, there was something similar to awe in her eyes.

The next night, Susu said at the dinner table: Dad, she is very cute. Dad paused, then drank the soup very slowly: Who is it? I saw her in the living room last night, and she loves you. Do you know what love is?Dad ignored her acting like a baby, got up and went to the study to read. The huge old building was so quiet that the sound of pages turning could be heard. Susu lay on the bed with her eyes open. Later, her father walked in, kissed her on the forehead and said: It's late, go to sleep. Susu's eyes were closed, and her father's hypnosis was everywhere. The moment she closed her eyes, Susu's heart suddenly frightened, but before she had time to say anything, she fell into a deep sleep.

At night, I dreamed of the little nurse, who seemed to be still studying in college. She and a middle-aged man were in the dark reading room, took off her clothes, smiled charmingly at the middle-aged man, and called him Teacher Nian. In the morning, Susu's head was in pain like a burst, and she was pressing a few cigarette butts in the ashtray of the bedside table. At night, her father always liked to sit by her bedside and tell stories. Susu was depressed for a while, no one could fool her father, when he knew that he could not persuade his precious daughter with words, he would use hypnosis to let her see the truth he wanted to explain in a dream.

When the little nurse dragged her to go shopping together again, Susu was reluctant and gave her some scrutiny. When the little nurse cautiously asked her if she was tired, Susu said abruptly, "Did Teacher Nian help you a lot in your graduation assignment?" The little nurse's face turned red, but she pointed at the cold drink shop on the street and said, "Yes, you know him?"Shall we go for ice cream together? Susu said yes, followed her, and sneered involuntarily, Dad is a perfectionist, he will not marry a woman who will sleep with a man just for a job, no matter how pure and sweet she looks.

After eating a cup of ice cream, Susu broke up with the little nurse on the pretext of having a stomachache. She didn't want to hide her distaste, so after walking a short distance, she took out her mobile phone and called Chen, saying that she would take him to see her father at night, and then ran away Far. She wanted the little nurse to understand that the stomachache was just an excuse, and she didn't want to be with her.Chen Lai, Susu didn't tell her father in advance, she wanted to give him a surprise, she wanted to use her passionate love to add some vitality to the old house. Dad first saw Chen Chang's leather shoes at the door, and he paused for a moment. When changing his slippers, he pushed Chen's leather shoes aside with his own shoes. Susu saw her father's behavior through the crack of the door, and she remembered a Taiwanese writer's words, about all fathers in the world will cry secretly on the day their daughters get married. Susu thought that her father would cry bitterly on the day she got married, and they have walked by each other for more than twenty years. At the dinner table, Dad's enthusiasm for Chen was entirely out of politeness, and he repeated his words incoherently. When Dad asked who was in Chen's family again, Susu smiled: Dad, you have asked three times. Dad closed his mouth in embarrassment, and said in a low voice: The security outside is not very good, don't take Susu out, come home often. Chen readily agreed. After sending Chen away, Susu complained that her father treated her boyfriend like an interrogator. Her father was silent at first, and then suddenly dropped a cup: How long have you known each other? Su Su looked at her furious father in surprise: Does it matter how long you have known each other?The point is that we love each other. You are still young, why are you in such a hurry to leave Dad? ! Dad, I'm 23 years old!Susu was aggrieved by her father's unreasonable anger. She rushed into the room and cried. At this moment, she suddenly realized how happy it is to have a mother. At least, her mother would share her happiness calmly, and Not rude interference. In the early morning, Dad went to the hospital early. There was a ready-made sandwich on the dining table, and a note was pressed under the cup of hot milk. Dad apologized to her and asked her to take Chen home for dinner in the future. He was just worried that she would be hurt and he needed to correct his attitude towards Chen. Susu wanted her father to like Chen, so she often took him home for dinner. Sure enough, her father treated Chen much better, chatting and laughing with him, and Chen said: Actually, your father is a very funny little old man.The little nurse also came, and together with her father, she seemed to realize that her identity had undergone a subtle change. In front of Susu and Chen, she did not hide her intimacy with her father. When she handed him fruit or tea, her eyes were ambiguous and warm. , physical contact seems casual and natural. When sending Chen away, she was holding her father's arm, and she was a very self-effacing hostess, making Susu feel like she was a guest instead. Once, Chen quietly said: Don't you think Dad's little lover looks like a person? Su Su was surprised: Who did she look like?Do you know her? Chen Hehe smiled, and dragged her to the mirror, Susu's face turned cold all of a sudden, yes, why didn't he pay attention, the little nurse and himself were indeed somewhat similar.She slapped Chen: You are the only one who can play tricks. Chen's hand poked in from under the sweater, cruising lightly on his back, Susu tilted her head back, and her lips touched together. There was a heavy cough from behind, Susu blushed, and dragged Chen to the yard, looking at the stars all over the sky, looking at it, her heart hurt: Chen, if I die, will you Love another girl? Chen kissed her: How could it be, I will accompany you to the old age. Su Su dimly said: Back then, Dad must have said this to Mom, but after so many years, Dad didn't bother to mention her name. That night, Susu was struck by inexplicable sadness. She sat in the yard thinking of her mother who was far away, thinking of her blank eyes, passing through her uncle's shoulders, and looking at herself, as if she had so many things to say that she couldn't say enough. look. How could she have an affair with a prodigal uncle?Was she depressed because she was too proud? Chen comforted her and left. There was a depressive quarrel in her father's room. The little nurse's dream was to be an elegant hostess in an antique old building like the petty bourgeoisie in Shanghai in the 1930s. . Dad said: This is impossible. The little nurse began to cry, sobbing, crying so hard that people couldn't breathe: You shouldn't have used hypnosis to get my past, and you shouldn't have told Susu that she would look down on me. I didn't hypnotize you, let alone know your past. Susu didn't want to listen anymore, she went into the study room, flipped through the books, they were full of hypnotic books, the old pages were starting to turn yellow, she was not interested, so she closed it, and was stunned when she saw the bookstore seal on the back cover, it turned out that, 20 years ago, Dad was studying hypnosis. A thought broke in suddenly, like a cold wind blowing through the hall, causing her to throw away the book in fear and flee back to her room. She didn't dare to think about the rest. Dad asked Chen Zhou to come, saying that there was something important to announce, Susu whispered: Is she coming too? don't you like her Susu shook her head. That's good, it's about her. Susu understood what was going on, maybe, she was going to change the name of this little nurse who was only two years older than herself. The weekend is coming soon, and the little nurse is humming and busy in the kitchen, obviously she knows that this day means a lot to herself. Chen came early, talking and laughing in the kitchen, helping the little nurse.Dad suddenly said: Susu, go and order a cake for Dad. Susu was a bit reluctant, but she went anyway. To be honest, she would rather her father marry a middle-aged educated woman than a little nurse who was dedicated to being the hostess of the old building. She always felt that this little girl had a sweet and innocent smile. Deep scheming. The cake kept Susu waiting for more than two hours. When she passed the bookstore at the intersection, she saw her father holding a book meticulously. She walked over: Dad, why are you here? Dad put down the book, took her by the hand and walked home: They were busy in the kitchen, and I was bored, so I came out to see if there were any new books. Susu didn't speak, but suddenly panicked, inexplicably, as if something big was about to happen, she couldn't help but quicken her pace, and the moment she entered the door, she almost threw the cake on the ground.The kitchen was very quiet, and the dishes were half-finished. The little nurse and Chen kissed passionately in a corner of the kitchen. Her eyes passed through Chen's shoulders, and she looked at her fearlessly and blankly.The familiar gaze opened the gate of Susu's memory with a swipe. She thought of her mother more than ten years ago, just looking at herself who broke through the door. Susu threw the cake and sat limply on the floor. She turned her head slowly and saw her father's stern gaze, like a knife.He reached out to try to support Susu, Susu waved her hand and broke free: Don't touch me, your hands are too dirty. Dad's face was dull, he looked at her stiffly, Susu smiled bleakly: You don't like Chen, you can just say it, why did you pull her?Why use despicable and dirty means? Later, as if Chen gradually came to his senses, he looked at his hands in panic, and at the little nurse: What happened? Susu said: Dad, let's talk.She pulled her heavy-footed father into the study and closed the door: Don't tell me you don't understand hypnosis for 20 years. Your first experimental subjects were mother and uncle. On my 10th birthday, you created an affair with hypnosis. Exposure, and logically created a suicide after the murder, unloading two heavy burdens. Su Su dodged her father's piercing eyes: A person who has been hit in the weak spot and has a disturbed heart cannot be hypnotized. I will not leave Chen. I love him, even if you use hypnosis to make him betray me thousands of times . Dad's eyes collapsed softly: Susu, men will hurt you, just like I married your mother with good wishes, but in the end I ruined her. That's because your mother makes you tired, and you can't cure her, so you are tired, you choose to give up this symbol that makes you suffer from failure, and by the way, you bring the uncle who makes you hate it, maybe heaven is more beautiful. It can make my mother feel happy, even though you hurt me, I won't say anything, because you are my father. When Susu moved away from the old building, she walked a long way, and couldn't help turning her head, looking at her father who was looking sadly downstairs, she suddenly uttered a sharp cry: No! !I'm not going back. However, she still slid towards the old building like a spinning top sliding down the ice surface...