Chapter 28 to the dead woman

to the dead woman Qian, the days are so fast, in the blink of an eye you have been dead for three years.I don't know how many times the world has changed in the past three years, but you may not pay attention to these, I know.Your first concern is your children, and the second is my turn.The child and I share your world equally, you will be like this today; if you still know after death, you will still be like this in the future.I'll tell you, I came home in the summer: Myer is very strong, a head taller than me.Run'er's father said he was the most obedient, but he was not as fat as before.Cai Zhi and the rotor are both good.Wu'er's family praised her for being good-looking; but she had wet sores on her legs, and she couldn't get off the bamboo bed all day long, which was pitiful.Liu'er, how should I put it? You understand that you also talked to your mother when you were dying. This child can only be raised and played.A few months after the baby was born, your lung disease became serious.I advise you not to get close to him, just supervise the old lady to take care of him.You can't help it, you mention it for a while, and hug it for a while.But it's worth seeing how much you cared about him when you were sick.That summer he was often sick, you were busy all day with soup, medicine, cold and warm, and you didn’t even get a good night’s sleep.There's a tiny bit of thinking about yourself there.You are happy to see him being tougher, with a dry smile on his waxy face, I can only sigh inwardly.

I never imagined being a mother like you.You've always breastfed yourself since Meier, four in a row.You didn't know what to feed by the hour at first, but you didn't know it later, but you couldn't get used to it; the children woke you up crying several times a night, especially in the sweltering heat of summer.I see you haven't slept enough.During the day, I also have to cook and take care of the children, so I rarely have free time.Your health is already bad, but four children have tired you for seven or eight years.When it comes to the fifth one, you really can’t do it yourself, and you don’t have milk, so you have to feed your own milk powder and hire another old lady to take care of her.But if the child sleeps with the mother, you don't feel relieved; when you hear crying at night, you prick up your ears to listen, and you have to go to see it when you get older.At the beginning of the sixteenth year, I came to Beijing with you and left Maier and Rotor at home; I haven't been able to pick them up for more than three years, so I miss you so much.You don't mention it often, but I understand it.You later said that your illness was caused by thinking about it; of course that also played a part, but most of it was due to the tiredness of raising children.Eleven of your short twelve years of married life were wasted on your children; and you were never weary, using as much power as you could, until you were ruined.You love children in general, regardless of male or female, big or small.I didn't even think about "raising children to guard against old age, accumulating grain to guard against hunger", I just loved desperately.To be honest, you are a bit of a layman when it comes to education. The children only need to eat well and play well.No wonder you, that's how you grew up yourself.Besides, the children are still young, so eating and playing are also important.When you are seriously ill, the thing you can't let go of is your child.The sick are only skin and bones, and I still don’t believe that I will not recover; I always say: "I am dead, this group of children will suffer." Later, I will send you home. You think you can see Maier and Rotor, Yes, too; you never thought you'd never come back.When I delivered the car, you couldn't help crying and said: "I don't know if we can see you again?" Poor, I know your heart, you are full of thoughts about bringing your six children back to see me.Qian, you must have thought so at that time, for sure.

In addition to the child, you only have me in your heart.Yes, your father was still there at that time; but your mother died, and he had another woman, and you felt as if there was a layer of separation for a long time.In the first year after you got married, although you were still wholeheartedly attached to his old man, in the second year, my child and I will occupy your heart, and you don't have much time to think about him anymore.Do you still remember that I was in Beijing in the first year and you were at home.A letter from your family said that you couldn't stay and often went back to your mother's house.I got angry and wrote to you right away to blame.You taught someone to write a reply letter, saying that something happened at home and you had to go back.This is your first, if not the last, protest, and I haven't written to you since.During the summer vacation, I brought a lot of ideas to go back, but when I met you and saw you smiling, I fell down.From then on, you gradually ran from your father's arms to mine.You changed the gold bracelet to help me with my tuition, and told me to pay you back later; but I didn't pay you back until you died.You have suffered a lot from my family, and from your family because of my family, and you have endured it.It's all about me, I know.At that time, I resigned from a middle school in my hometown.The family satirized you to go too.Where to go!I had no choice but to bite the bullet and go to your house.At that time your house was like an ice cellar, and you lived in the cellar for three months.It was with great difficulty that I brought you out, and we went to the province together.This is how the little family is organized.Although you are not a wealthy lady, you were spoiled and spoiled since childhood. As a housewife, you have to do everything once or twice; you actually did it, and you did it happily.As usual, you cook all the dishes, but we eat all the dishes; at most you can pick up two or three chopsticks and forget it.Your cooking is not bad, and an old master has praised you greatly.You are also good at washing clothes. You probably always do my silk coat in summer.You are always unwilling to be idle at home; in the first few "months", you always get up in four or five days, saying that you are lying down and have nothing to do at home.In fact, you are not unorganized; there are so many children in our family, how can we be organized?When I was living in Zhejiang, I escaped two military disasters, both of which were in Peiping.It's really thanks to you that you led your mother and a group of children to hide here and there; how many miles will you have to walk the last time, and turn over a big ridge.These two times you were pretty much on your own.You brought not only mother and children, but boxes of books for me; you know I love books the most.In just twelve years, you have worried more than others in a lifetime; Qian, how can you stand up like that!You took all my responsibilities and crushed you to death; how could I be worthy of you!

You have also spent a lot of energy on my search for books; the first time you asked your father's male servant to bring them from his hometown to Shanghai.He said a few gossips, and you were so angry that you cried in front of your father.The second time is to flee with you, others say you are a fool.You have your own thoughts: "How can you teach without books? Besides, he loves this stuff." In fact, you don't know, and it's not a pity to lose those books; but how do you know, I never talk to you about it. these!All in all, your heart is to be thankful for.You have suffered a lot for me in the past twelve years, but you haven't had a few good days.We have lived together, which is less than five years.No matter how bad the day is, whether it is separation or reunion, you have never lost your temper with me, not even a single complaint. ——Don't blame me, even if you complain about your life.To be honest, my temper is not very good, and I have a lot of things to vent my anger on.At those times, you often choke and shed tears, and you never talk back or wail.But I only trust you, and I only tell you some things, because you are the only one in the world who really cares about me and sympathizes with me.You not only endure hardships for me, but also share the hardships for me; most of the spirit I have now is cultivated by you.I have rarely been sick over the years.But I am the most impatient of getting sick. When I am sick, I will groan endlessly and make trouble for those who wait on the sick.You have experienced it once, and it was only one or two o'clock, but it was troublesome enough.You are often sick, but you always keep quiet and struggle to get up; firstly, you are afraid of disturbing me, and secondly, you are afraid that no one will do your job.I have a bad temper and am afraid of hearing people get sick, which is also true.Later, when you had a fever every day, you thought you had malaria brought from the south, and kept it from me.Mingming was lying down, but when he heard my footsteps, he sat up immediately.I gradually became a little strange, I showed the doctor, this is terrible, one of your lungs has been rotted and a big hole has been formed!The doctor advises you to go to Xishan to recuperate, you can't leave the child, and you can't bear the money; if you advise you to lie down at home, you can't leave the housework either.The more you look at it, the worse it becomes, so I will send you back.Knowing that there are many bad luck and bad luck, you never thought that you will be finished in just one month!I hoped to see you again, but now I can't.How did you even think of this?My father told me that when you go home, you live alone in a small house, and you still think there is no living room, and you are afraid that it will be inconvenient for me to go back.

I went home last summer and went to your grave.You sleep under the head of your grandparents, and you are not alone after all.It's just that the graves of your grandparents were too small back then, and you were sleeping under the crest.This is called "anti-crowding", and it seems uneasy to strangers; wait and find a way.At that time, green grass was densely growing up and down, and my cloth shoes were soaked by the morning dew.You have just been buried for more than half a year, only an extra piece of soil has been excavated, and the appearance of the new grave cannot be seen at all.When Yin and I went back this summer, we originally wanted to come to your grave; because she was ill, we couldn't come.We want to tell you that the five children are all good, we will raise them with all our heart so that they can be worthy of their dead mother——you!Qian, sleep well and rest assured, you.

Made on October 11, 1932. (Originally published in "Oriental Miscellany", Volume 30, No. 1, January 1, 1933)