Chapter 19 half liberated

What is "semi-liberation"?There is no scientific definition.Just my personal feeling. After the centralized criticism and struggle, the season has gone through 1968 and entered 1969.Before the Lunar New Year's Day of this year, the Department Revolutionary Committee suddenly notified me that I could go home.It was the "little furnace maker" mentioned above who sent me home (I'm afraid it's not easy to say "escort" this time).At this time, the big room in my house had been sealed for a long time.The whole family lived in a nine-square-meter hut.According to the two old ladies in my family, there was a student who took the stolen house key and took a woman with him. He fooled around for a long time in the big house that was seized and slept on my bed. bed and cook with our gas.They threatened the two old ladies: "Don't speak up!" Otherwise, there will be extremely serious consequences.Now "Little Furnace Maker" took the key, opened the door, and let me sleep in it.I have been away from my bed for eight or nine months.

I was both happy and worried at the same time.I still have a pile of hats on my head, and my future is still bleak.I can only get that little money every month, and it is not enough to eat.I remember that some money was added later, but I can't remember the amount and time.There is still external pressure.One day I overheard an old "company commander" from a family committee downstairs (he himself was said to be a soldier from the Kuomintang) loudly announced to the whole building: "Ji Xianlin has been released. Everyone should pay attention to him!" It was probably a greeting from "above".I wasn't surprised to hear that, this kind of thing is something I'm used to.However, I still felt a little uncomfortable in my heart, knowing that I was sentenced to "supervision by the masses".I seem to have become a plague god or a patient of AIDS, and no one dares to touch it.

Even if no one told me, but rather reminded me of the situation, I was already a bit of an anomaly.Walking and looking up, still not used to it.Go into the store and buy something like an idiot who doesn't know what to say.I dare not call the salesperson "comrade", how dare I be their "comrade"?What do you call it if you don't call it "comrade"?Calling "Miss" and "Sir" is really inappropriate.He didn't cry anything, and felt even more uneasy.As a result, I muttered and wanted to speak, and I hesitated to move forward. I felt very embarrassed with a look of helplessness and four body failures.I have become a patient with dementia.

Not long after, I was instructed to go to the fortieth floor to participate in "study".The first time I walked from home to the 40th floor, it was the time when thousands of miles were covered with ice and thousands of miles with snow.This section of the road is quite long, three or four miles in total; if you go fast, it will take half an hour.I went out, walked some distance, and immediately turned away from the road, and walked over the ice in the lake.I suddenly thought of the ancient saying "if you are facing an abyss, you are walking on thin ice". This is just an image metaphor, but isn't my situation today exactly like this?I don't know what will happen in the future.I'm not used to dealing with people now.When I reached the 40th floor and met the young revolutionary general, should I still shout "Report!"?Do you still have to stand in front of them with your head bowed and your hands down?These are very real problems.I didn't get an answer, so I just dawdled when I walked.

I walked more and more slowly, and finally reached the fortieth floor.When I saw the scene, I was in love, and I had a lot of thoughts.Not long ago, I was still being "swimmed in the building" here. Once upon a time, I came back here again.What is your identity this time?I can't tell. "Ugly daughters-in-law are afraid of seeing their parents-in-law", and it's okay to be afraid.I took courage and went in to report.Fortunately, there were no shouts of slogans, no beatings and kicks, but lukewarm treatment.A stone fell from my heart and I was assigned a small group consisting of Hindi students.Since then, I have participated in their studies and activities with an inexplicable identity.It turned out that all the "shack friends" from the Eastern language department were summoned there.But the treatment was obviously different for some reason.Some were assigned to clean the corridors.A Hindi teacher was labeled as a landlord for no reason and assigned to clean toilets.I turned out to be mentally prepared to do the dirtiest and tiring work.But it didn't, which was a surprise to me.

I am still very unaccustomed to being with the revolutionary masses, a little cautious and a little uncomfortable.I am now a human or a ghost, and I have not yet determined it.Dissociated between humans and ghosts, I don't know how to deal with myself.The students are young people, lively and active.During study breaks, they played and sang.There is a classmate who is good at playing the erhu, and I appreciate it very much; but I dare not get carried away.The young people were chatting, laughing, and fighting, while I sat aside, like a clay sculpture and wood carving.I also feel that the atmosphere is very uncoordinated.

However, in a relatively peaceful life, it is not without some waves.As far as I recall, the first is the issue of party dues.As I mentioned above, in the "gang compound", paying party dues is taboo.At that time, I couldn't receive the monthly living expenses myself, so my elderly aunt did it for me.She goes to the office of the Department of Foreign Languages ​​and Languages ​​Loudong every month to collect living expenses of more than 40 yuan for the family of three.As a family member of the "gangster", she heard a lot of gossip.In particular, the families of the Jinggangshan "gangsters" will be ridiculed directly or indirectly.The old man had no choice but to swallow his anger.Under such circumstances, she was afraid that her children would lose their party votes, so she still paid party dues on a monthly basis.The Department of Eastern Languages ​​did not know which party organization cadre dared to accept him without notifying the "gang compound".Otherwise, I will definitely get an extra beating.I am so grateful.My aunt also told me that an old comrade surnamed Yuan, not only did not ridicule her, but also whispered to her secretly: "Take the money! Be careful when walking!" Every time her old man talked about this kind of snow A star in the ice is warm and always grateful.

However, after reaching the 40th floor, I should pay the party dues myself.My situation, which is neither human nor ghost, makes me dare not have the cheek to pay party dues.At this time the party organization seems to have ceased to be active.I don't even know who to hand it in to.This wasted some time.The leader of the department talked to me and asked me, "Why didn't you pay the party dues on time?" I told him very frankly: "When the branch decides to expel me from the party, I will definitely pay all the party dues in arrears. , and then leave.” From this, I think it is completely impossible to stay in the party.

In addition to the issue of party dues, I had some small emotions on the 40th floor that had nothing to do with the overall situation.This building is really too familiar to me.I was in the Department of Oriental Languages, and as of 1966, I had been the head of the department for twenty years.The male students from the Department of Eastern Languages ​​have also lived on the fortieth floor for an extremely long time.I must come here often.I walked through Yangguan Avenue and the single-plank bridge here.I have been warmly welcomed and mercilessly humiliated.I don't want to send those complaints about "the world is cold and human feelings are like paper".Because the state of the world has been like this since ancient times.People and things that are not like this can only be regarded as exceptions.So this kind of thing is no longer worth complaining about.

However, I am extremely vulnerable emotionally.I can't be a hero, I have self-knowledge.I never wanted to be a hero.Heroes are made of special materials, and I am no match for them.I am a very ordinary person, and small personal joys and sorrows often come to bother me.What's more, the "ten-year catastrophe" is by no means a trivial matter, and what I suffered in it is by no means a trivial matter.With my frail heart, I can imagine how difficult it is to bear this unprecedented disaster and this enormous event.After reaching the 40th floor, my situation should be said to have changed.But the future remains shrouded in fog.When you touch the scene, you will inevitably fluctuate in your heart.

Needless to say.For the more than two years since the beginning of the "Cultural Revolution", the 40th floor can evoke many different memories in me and arouse many different emotions in me.In June 1966, when I returned to school from Nankou Village, I snorted involuntarily when I saw the big-character poster criticizing my "Spring Man Yan Garden", it was on the 40th floor.I was ordered to hand over 3,000 yuan of "black money", but I was refused to accept it again. It was on the 40th floor.I saw with my own eyes the criticism of the "capitalist roaders" of the Eastern language family in the early days of the "Cultural Revolution". The slogans were earth-shattering.It was on the 40th floor that I contradicted the PLA officer of the "Zuo Zuo" and was sentenced to "wandering in the building". Ah, the fortieth floor!I didn't want to think about it but I couldn't think about the 40th floor! Now I have come to you again, the second time I am among the "revolutionary masses". Yanqing Xinhua Camp This time I didn't stay on the 40th floor for a very long time, probably half a winter, a summer, and half an autumn.During this period, there was a major event, which was the stationing of Unit 8341.Only a small number of officers and soldiers are sent, so it can be regarded as "supporting the left".This is a force with a long revolutionary tradition.Therefore, their arrival has aroused the great hope of the vast majority of people, including me, the teachers, students and staff of Peking University, hoping that they can set things right and sort out the mess of Peking University.In the situation where the whole school is serious and chaotic, there seems to be a school of vitality. I don't know what level of decision it was, but most of the faculty and staff of Peking University, under the leadership of the "Supporting Left" troops, went to Liyuzhou, Jiangxi Province, far away from Beijing, to undergo reform.The weather here is hot and schistosomes are everywhere.A leader of this unit said that this is called "heat treatment" and it is another persecution of intellectuals.I'm self-aware, and a "person"(?) like me certainly falls under the "heat treatment" category.I have made full mental and material preparations and am ready to be dispatched to Poyang Lake.However, at first I don’t know what was the reason for letting me stay in Beijing and go to the Yanqing Xinhua Camp outside the Great Wall in the suburbs of Beijing with Hindi and Thai students to receive re-education from the poor and lower-middle peasants.Before I had time to express my gratitude, I discovered that I was "another appointment". According to someone's instructions, mass criticism cannot be air-to-air, and someone needs to be a "live target", so that the criticism can be vigorous and powerful, and the effect can be the best.Now I am such a "living target".It suddenly occurred to me that when I was in Xinjiang, I saw that there was always a live sheep on the car during outings.When you arrive at the destination with beautiful mountains and rivers, when you have enough fun, you take out a knife, kill the sheep, make mutton pilaf, and go home when you are full.I was in Xinhua Camp, moving vegetables in the vegetable cellar.He was pulled out and criticized once.I know that I fulfilled my mission and completed it. On the Lunar New Year's Day in 1970, he was called back to Beijing.