Chapter 3 The Executioner of Two Loves

He is a bit like Xu Zhimo: he is chic, talented, personable, and short-lived. Three years ago, I saw him on the newly laid lawn of National Taiwan University. He was lying on his side, propping up his upper body from time to time, reading a book lazily.No, it's not reading, but the book is looking at him. The wind blows the pages of the book, but he doesn't hold it down with his hands. Can this be considered reading?I walked over and sat down next to him. I didn't feel presumptuous, and he didn't feel abrupt. He looked at me quietly and nodded as if he had known each other. It was me who spoke first, and the moment I opened my mouth, I had questions:

"What book are you reading?... "Thus Spoke Zarathustra." Since I was also reading this book, I asked him which page he saw, but his answer surprised me: "Which page the wind blows, read that page!" I can't help liking him, he's so free and easy!I asked him his opinion on the book and he laughed and said: "Nietzsche taught us not to forget to bring a whip when we are with women. In fact, this kind of superman is ridiculous. At least I don't have to worry about forgetting to bring a whip, because I don't stay with women at all!" I joked:

"Hemingway wrote about men without women, he was too negative; you should write about men without women, you are positive!" "No, I don't want to write. It's useless to write. Schopenhauer wrote it. He wrote articles denying women during the day, but at night he sneaked to the green light house to sleep. Few people who write articles are not hypocrites. Unknown The decree of the birth of the world is better than being crazy, I'd better stop talking about it! I only know that we no longer need saints who talk but don't do it, we should learn from those who do but don't talk about it."

His words were full of sincere pain, but I still half-jokingly said to him: "Why learn from others? I heard that you are the practitioner. Girls appreciate you, but you scold them; other men don't have women, but you don't want women, but I know you are not a pervert, you don't have womanphobia, you don't Like Jiao Xian in the Three Kingdoms period, when he saw a woman, he was so afraid that he hid, you walked into the crowd of women arrogantly, and walked out arrogantly, only owed them to whistle to you!" He laughed when I complimented him. He said that women don't need to whistle to him, and he also objected to men whistling to women. He believed that expressing love should use more eyes and less lips," and," he said, "now Our Chinese girls don’t know how to whistle to boys at all. The times are different. Our Chinese girls are more expensive. They are all arrogant. Even if Pan An is reborn and Wang Meng is reborn, no woman will throw fruit at them. Hats off!"

"Why do you keep talking about Chinese girls? Don't American girls do that?" "Maybe I can arbitrarily say that American girls are not like this. Because American girls will show their true feelings, but our Chinese girls can hardly show their true feelings. What they show is at most her mother's feelings!" "How do you say this?" I was confused. "It's a long story. Since the time of our ancestors, we have been a moral society. In the upper class, marriage is a good diplomatic relationship between two surnames. In the lower class society, marriage brought a free laborer to her husband’s family, completely unable to get rid of patriarchal and economic purposes, and never put feelings first, let alone love. In the way of thinking, in the discipline that men and women do not sit together, in the customs of men and women who have no intermediary and never meet each other, Zhuo Wenjun is certainly an adulteress; Jia Chong's daughter is not a good thing. Everyone limits We must defend ourselves with courtesy, no one dares to show our true feelings. The scriptures tell us that not only can uncles and sisters-in-law not be able to ask questions, widows can’t even cry at night! For thousands of years, feelings have long been put in the refrigerator by us! So in Chinese history Among them, we can't find a few normal love stories, let alone romantic true feelings. Love itself is a romantic spirit, which transcends marriage, but does not hinder it, but our ancestors didn't think so, they believed that everything It is not a good thing for a man and a woman to be happy, so in ancient times, lovers had to ask each other, and today's lovers are also sneaky. We see American couples kissing openly, and we feel nasty. We prohibit this kind of emotional expression; but parents die Oh, if you don’t cry in public, beat your chest and howl! Those who hang themselves will not be happy, no! Our scale of open feelings is really unimaginable. We only encourage unlimited public mourning, but prohibit limited public sex. And the secret sex will be taxed by the C-class hooligans by the Danshui River, so that our young men and women will never reach the state of indulging that Shiyu hopes! All the obstacles mentioned just now can be said to be the executioners of love. In fact, they kill love The murderer is far more than that..."

"What else? Aren't these traditional shackles enough?" "It's not enough, it's not enough, there is another big executioner of love, that is our housewife society. In our society, most married women have to rely on their husbands to survive, and firewood, rice, oil, salt, briquettes and diapers take up her youth and her hands ; and above all, although the old mother is hired to do the work, her energy is placed on the mahjong tiles; although a small number of professional women can achieve considerable independence on the surface, they still cannot escape the basic role of housewives. And if her career and interests do not give up and accommodate her husband, it is likely to affect her husband's success. What she gets is a result that hurts both sides. It is rare for a husband and wife to complement each other. Obviously, women should not rely on their independence The work of the sons and doctors should be placed on washing machines, dishwashers, vacuum cleaners, electrical appliances, refrigerators, telephone delivery, etc. Transfer the labor of housework to industrial civilization, so that the family will not become a woman's fetters, and women do not have to marry dogs Only by living with the dog and relying on the dog can she let her feelings run wild before marriage, and choose a man who is more chic than professional, and a husband who is more enthusiastic than money. But how is this possible? The reality is so aggressive. When marriage is a means of making a living, Who still puts love and affection in the first row? After all, love is a luxury, after all, it is an outdated gadget of the Victorian era. Girls in modern China are seldom willing to love for love, and their mothers are not willing to do so at all. Guide them, each of them uses the feelings of mothers to cover their young hearts, and will not let the horse of love run on the wilderness of feelings, unless there is an old wooden cart with a life-long event around the horse's neck! Nothing has been done. The people who meet the requirements of my elder brother are exempt from discussion, falling in love, my mother said, who wants to fall in love with a poor boy like you?"

He paused, shook his head, and went on: "Occasionally some little women, ignorant of the heights of the sky and the earth, secretly violated their mother's orders and talked about platonic love with a man, but it was just a short-lived beautiful thing, and the disintegration of the relationship is just around the corner. This is not because women are fickle, but because women are not tolerant. The objective conditions for change are not enough. Girls are forced to tie their clothes on their husbands for safety. They are pitiful. They wear modern clothes in the 1700s, but they follow the route of an old grandmother in the 17th century. At the same time, society also gives They are under external pressure, and it is easy for people to look at her boyfriend with the eyes of her mother choosing a son-in-law. Whether they are kind or malicious, they always assume that the boy is her future spouse, and they do not measure his quality. Thoughts, but speculating on his purse, love itself is a serious burden of life, who dares to reveal the truth: so I - a person who denies our Chinese girls - really feel that I don't want them, it's not me I don’t want them, but I’m not qualified to want them. I’m a literati with little life. I can’t read words when I’m still, I can’t save people when I move. In a middle school girl, she can only drink a few cups of old wine, recite a few stinky poems, talk about romantic love, and end up burning books and quitting letters with snot and tears. Sha Zhali feels sorry for himself, is there anything more formulaic than this in the world?"

I listened quietly to this long discussion, then stood up, patted him on the shoulder, did not speak, did not look back, and walked straight to the dormitory. I knew that I could not be friends with him. I burn, confuse me.I am willing to be Shazali! Three years passed, and I walked across the grassland again, but the weeds drowned it, and the wind blew over, blowing a few small yellow flowers, but I couldn't see the man who didn't want a woman either.He sleeps on a loess slope by the Dabei Lake, maybe he is in a paradise of wonders, where there are fairies with scattered flowers and beautiful women in neon clothes.I think I know, knowing that he must still continue his negation, which made him stay away from them and lose himself.Under the eternity of darkness and deep springs, the clouds that he disregarded will never belong to him, they only silently beckon to him, affectionately and silently, disappearing their dim shadows in the dim sky.

April 11, 1961 at the "Four Seats House" in Taipei "United Daily News" supplement, April 17, 1961