Chapter 7 Chapter Six

For the unfortunate events in life, people tend to remember them clearly after a few days, weeks, or months.I often think about my past experiences, but I also often find excuses to excuse my guilt and guilt, and pretend to be blind to what is real.However, facts are facts after all, and if you don't take precautions, it will suddenly jump up and hit you, and your conscience will not be at peace; as long as you are not careful, your words and deeds will explain the facts to people. That day, I was busy arranging the dinner party for the evening.The Feder family is also coming, they want to discuss business with John.John was unhappy, but he had no choice but to invite them. Only I knew in my heart that John really knew nothing about business matters.

It is undeniable that now, Abbas's overall business situation is far worse than when Justin managed it.I have seen several times that if John received a letter that was not to his liking, he would immediately put it in a drawer and try to forget what it said.Many people complained to him.Some of the farmers talked about how it was when Lord Justin was in charge, but now some things are left alone.The farmhouse was not repaired either.John never wants to keep his promises, so he can make short guarantees.At the beginning, people thought he could be trusted, but now it is clear that he is not reliable.

It's been two years since Justin left.He seldom writes home now in Italy.I always worry that someday Justin will write and ask Melora to come to him. If you hurt someone, you must have a different feeling towards him.Sometimes I really hate myself, and sometimes I take that resentment out on the person who caused me the resentment.When I'm in a bad mood, I try to be nice to Melora. She was still Carlain's nanny and governess, but I wanted her to be considered a member of my family, to sit with us at meals, to luncheons.She was still called Miss Martin, still the daughter of the late pastor, and not regarded as Abbas' governess.I taught Calane to call her aunt.Other than that, I can't help her with anything.

She had changed too, looking older and quieter.It's strange how she dwarfs while I get more and more beautiful.She combed two braids on her head, and my hair was carefully combed and curled high behind my head, looking noble and charming.She was always dressed in gray or black, which matched her complexion, but always looked drab.I know that black is not suitable for me. When I have to wear it, I always look good with bright red or emerald green clothes.My evening attire is usually a thin textured emerald green, sometimes purple, or dark blue with pink. I am now the mistress of Abbas, and in the two years since Justin left I have solidified my position.The public disapproval of Justin was very favorable to me, and I believe that for some time Hagarty and Mrs. Rolter quite forgot my humble origins, as if I were born to be a lady here.

The old lady passed away the year before last, and she passed away peacefully in her dream without any pain.So, another busy funeral.But her funeral was nothing like Judith's.Her life was well-behaved, peaceful and serene, and her funeral was very traditional.After the old lady of the previous generation passed away, she was actually in charge of everything. Someone is knocking lightly on the door. "Come in," I said, trying to sound neither conceited nor condescending, just a commonplace order.In came Mrs. Rolt and Mrs. Soulter. "Oh, ma'am, it's about dinner tonight," said Mrs Soult.

"I'm thinking about it," I said, looking up so they could see that I had my pen in hand.There are two rings on my slender finger, one is my wedding ring, the other is an emerald square ring, the latter was given to me by the old lady after Justin left, which symbolizes the power of the Langston family I wore a linen skirt all over with ribbons, and leather slippers; "Mrs. Soult, the first course of dinner is consommé, followed by fish, pheasant or regular chicken ... and then roast steak. We must try to keep the dinner simple and light, because, I learned that Mr. Fader Some indigestion with Mrs. Feeder."

"Understood, ma'am," Rolt said, "it's all because of the mines. You can tell by how busy they have been. But, ma'am, is their mine really about to stop production?" "I don't know," I replied icily, and turning to Mrs. Soulter, I said, "the dessert is a soufflé and an apple custard pie." "Very well, ma'am," Soult agreed. Mrs. Rolt broke in again: "Haggardy has been anxious about the mines, ma'am." "He should go to Mr. St. Langston," I said. "But, ma'am..." I bowed my head and ignored it.They were a little wordy this morning; I picked up my pen; they exchanged a look, said, "Thank you, ma'am," and withdrew.I heard them still whispering behind closed doors.

I frowned, disapprovingly.They looked like they were trying to open a box of secrets I didn't want anyone to see.I remembered what John once said, "Do not expose family scandals", and the matter between Justin and Melora. Of course, I have to admit that I also have shameful things. I wanted to get rid of the troubles these two annoying old women had caused me as soon as possible, so I hurriedly picked up a pen to review the accounts that Hagarty had sent up at my order a few days ago. There was another knock on the door. "Come in." It was Hagarty who entered. Nasty memories came back again!I remembered the time when he stepped on my foot under the dinner table.The gleam in his mouse eyes told me clearly; we both thought of each other, and though I sweet-talked Mrs. Lolt, I only thought of you.

I've always hated him as a person, but I have to admit he's a good housekeeper, as long as you don't notice his faults, like being too casual with the maids, taking bribes, and sometimes doing small things on the accounts for personal gain. Small alterations.Any housekeeper will have these shortcomings. "What is it, Hagarty?" I asked as I wrote. He cleared his throat and said, "Well, ma'am...um..." I looked up, his expression was not teasing, but embarrassed.I waited for him to go on. "It's about the wine, ma'am." "For the wine tonight, oh, you'll have to ask Mr. St. Langston."

"Hmm... ma'am, I'm afraid I can only drink enough tonight, ma'am, there will be no more..." I looked at him in surprise and asked, "Why didn't you buy the wine earlier and put it in the warehouse?" "Ma'am, the liquor seller...he wants to settle the bill with us." I felt a little blush, "How dare they do that," I said. "No, ma'am, there is a large sum of money left unpaid . . . and . . . " "You show me the bill, Hagarty." His expression relaxed, and he said quickly: "Okay, ma'am, you will definitely say that this is expected. Here, ma'am, I'm sure you can solve this problem."

I didn't look at what he handed over. I said, "It's so disrespectful of him to treat us like that, I think next time we'll have to buy wine from someone else." Hagarty fumbled in his pocket for a while, then produced another bill and said, "Well, ma'am, we're actually buying from two wine merchants, but the other one's in a similar situation." In Abbas, the male host has always been in charge of wine and beverages.After Justin was gone, I managed some of the day-to-day expenses, but buying the liquor was still Hagarty's and John's business. I said: "I'll let Mr. St. Langston take care of the matter at once; I don't think he'll like the two wine sellers, and it's necessary to find another seller. But we can't let our cellar Empty, you should have reported this to me long ago." Hage first looked bitter, as if he was about to cry. "Ma'am, I have told Mr. St. Langston . . . many times." "Well, Hagarty, I understand that he must have forgotten that I'm not to blame you." Hage was the first to go, and I opened the bill right away.I was astonished to see that we owed the wine merchant £500. Five hundred pounds!No wonder they made us pay cash, how careless John is! I felt a sudden uneasiness again. What was John doing with the income from the estate?My side is just to maintain some daily expenses. Why does he go to Plymouth so frequently?Not when Justin was in charge; why are there so many complaints about his operations? I need to have a good talk with John. I spent the whole day in anxiety. I put away my bill to the wine merchant, but never forget it.The bills owed kept running through my mind, and I worried deeply about my life with John. What understanding is there between the two of us?I still had an attraction for him, not the strength that would make him marry me at the expense of my reputation, but at least he was by my side, longing for my body.He still thinks I'm different from other women, he always says so.Once I asked her, "What women are you different from?" He said, "I'm different from every other woman in the world, so I didn't care.I even feel like I should thank him as much as I can for making my dreams a reality, especially for giving me such a lovely son, Calaine, who will become Sir Calaine.Thinking of this, more often than not, I always try my best to cater to him and make myself a good wife in his mind.I think I've done it, I've slept with him, I've helped him run the house; I've done my best to erase the memory of my humble origins, and to make John proud of me.I never interfered in his life.I suspect there are other women in his life—men of his family—other than Justin who share this trait.Grandma told me about the debauchery his grandparents had in their lives. John is free to live his private life, but his family business is definitely not his business alone, I have to ask. I realized by accident that I was being too sloppy.The St. Langston estate was important because it would eventually pass to Calaine. I was reminded of the rumored Abbas who almost fell into other hands at one point.Thanks to the discovery of tin mines at the Six Virgins, the family business was saved.I'm reminded that at Joe's wedding people talked about tin mines.Perhaps I should speak kindly to John to see whether the failure to pay the wine merchant was due to his careless forgetfulness or to some other monstrous reason. The bills owed are still in my mind, and I can't help but behave indiscreetly.I am too satisfied with the status quo, and the past year has been too smooth; I believe that Melora has long since given up on Justin.Sometimes I heard her carefree laughter, as if she had come back from the past. Most things work the way I want them to.I can also understand Joe's lack of self-improvement; Grandma has moved to the Polentes to live with Jo, which is ideal for her, but I always feel a little bit sorry that she doesn't come to live with me .She felt that the way she looked, the work she did, and the accent she spoke with did not in any way fit in with Abbas' surroundings, but she felt at home in the Polentes' house.Joe was busy with his work, and Grandma continued to see the doctor.But I always feel unsatisfactory.Every time I go to see her, I always feel a little sad.But when I chatted with her, I felt that I was still the same as before, and nothing had changed. It's true that I'm living too much of my life, and I should be concerned about our financial situation. I put away the files, locked the drawer, and wanted to go and see Calaine.Being with him always puts me in a good mood.He has grown rapidly lately and looks bigger than kids his age.He was neither like me nor John; I often wondered how we could have such a lovely child as him.He has begun to read now, and Melora said that he will learn many words before he was taught; his paintings are really good.He has a pony, which I prepared for him, the purpose is to let him learn to ride a horse as soon as possible; but I never allow him to go out alone, I accompany him to ride a horse, otherwise, I don’t feel at ease; he seems to be born Yeah, sitting in the saddle, sort of. There is one thing in his personality that I don't like, he loves to cry too much, I am determined to help him correct it.A year ago, one summer night, he saw a crack in the ground outside, and ran in with tears in his eyes, saying, "Mom, poor land, please sew it up!" He looked at me , as if thinking that I am an omnipotent god.Even more so when he saw a wounded animal, a mouse in a mousetrap, a hare hanging in the kitchen, a wounded cat, he cried whenever he saw it.I worry that his personality will make him too easily hurt when he grows up. Walking up to his room that morning, I was thinking that Melora must be getting ready to take him out, so I could go with them. When I am with my son, I often forget all the unhappiness.I opened the door, and there was no one there.This room, which Melora and I had redecorated after the old lady's death, was very harmonious when we worked on it.We bought wallpaper together, and we bought the one with the willow leaf pattern on it.The whole room is blue and white; the blue drapes are spaced with white patterns, and the rug is also blue.The room was full of sunlight, but there were no shadows of Karlein and Melora. "Where are you?" I asked loudly. I saw that toy elephant sitting on the windowsill, and it freaks me out every time I see it.I said to Callian, "It's a baby thing, can you throw it away? We can get some boys' toys." He snatched it from my hand with a full face of grievance, he felt that this toy seemed to hear what we said. "No, it's my elephant," he said, opening the cabinet and putting the toy in, feeling much relieved. At this moment, I picked up the toy elephant.Melora had already sewed up the place where the hook had been torn, but it was still visible, like a scar.If only she knew... I don't feel so good this morning, all the memories I've tried to forget come back and stare at me. I put the toys back where they belonged, and pushed away the small room that adjoins the bedroom, where Karaline eats. As soon as I opened the door, Melora was standing at the door, looking at me. "Did you see him?" She said anxiously. "What did you say?" "Carlain? Isn't he with you?" "No……" "Then where is he?" The two of us looked at each other in horror, and I felt that something must have happened to Karaine, and when I thought about it, I felt numb and powerless, as if I had fallen into the abyss of despair. "I thought he was with you," she said. "You mean...he's not here?" "I've been looking for him for more than ten minutes." "How long have you not seen him?" "After breakfast, he was here, and I went away, while he was drawing the pony he was riding." "Find him quickly," I ordered her, "find him quickly." I turned around and left, really wanting to blame her for being careless, but a toy in the bedroom appeared in front of my eyes, so I had to hold back and shouted alone: ​​"Carlain, where are you?" Melo followed me closely, we searched all over his room, there was none. I feel hopeless: Carleen is gone.Within moments, the whole house was looking for Karaline.I ordered to search every corner of Abbas and ask every servant. Even so, I was still worried, so I went out to search for it myself, searched every room, and asked if he was playing hide-and-seek with me. If so, Just come out quickly, don't scare me. My mind raced through all the dire possibilities that could arise: crushed to death by a galloping horse?Captured by gypsies?Or fell into a trap like poor Joe?I came to the place where the nuns lived and prayed devoutly.I felt an immense sorrow pressing upon me, as if I had seen my son really suffer.I felt the sympathy of the ghosts of the nuns.If something really happened to my son, I would be stuck in a hole in the wall. I pulled myself together and chased away these ominous feelings. "No," I yelled, "Kalline, my son, where are you? Don't hide, Mommy is scared to death." I ran out of the house just as I saw Melora approaching, and I looked at her hopefully, and she shook her head. "He's not in the house," she said. We walked out into the field, calling his name. At the stable, I met Poirot. "The young master is missing?" he asked. "Have you met him?" I asked him. "Saw him about an hour ago, ma'am, and he told me how his pony was so sick, and I told him not to worry, it would be all right, and then I saw him go back into the house." "Have you seen him since then?" "No, ma'am." All dispatched to find Calaine!I gave the order.It was now certain that he was not in the house and could not have gone very far, for Poirot had seen him an hour before. The emotional torment I suffered during the search is indescribable. Hopes rose and were disappointed, rose again and disappeared again. I felt like I had experienced all the hardships of a lifetime.I couldn't help but start blaming Melora.Isn't her duty here to take care of Calaine?I figured if anything happened to Carlain, it was God who wanted me to pay her back. Since Justin left, it was the first time I saw Melora panic like this.I kept reminding myself that Melora loved Carleen deeply; she always took my grief as her own, and she always shared my worries, which were mine instead. At this time, I saw John galloping on horseback: "Damn it! What's going on?" he yelled. "Carlain is gone." "Missing? Where?" "If we knew, we wouldn't have to look for it like this," I said, with my lips trembling, "I'm so afraid!" I said. "He must be somewhere." "In the room, on the grass, we searched all over..." I looked around helplessly, only the Virgin Stone in the distance stood tall in the sun. Another sense of dread came over me.I took him to see the stone statues that day, and he seemed very interested. At that time, I said: "Don't go near that mine, Carlain, you promise me." Maybe because my warning aroused his curiosity, he wanted to explore the old mine even more. After all, he was still a child. I turned to John and grabbed his arm, "John, is he going to the old mine..." I've never seen him so scared, maybe it's influenced by me; I used to blame him for not caring enough about his son.Oh God, I thought, he worries about his son as much as I do. "No," he said, "no." "But what if?" "There's a warning sign over there..." "He can't read yet, even if he saw it, he might be more curious." We looked at each other in horror. I said, "I have to find it quickly, I need to send someone down." "Down the well? Are you crazy...Kronsa?" "But it's possible that Karaline is inside..." "crazy." "Maybe he's lying there right now, covered in bruises..." "If it fell, he would have died long ago." "John!" "Don't think about it, he won't be there, he might be playing somewhere; maybe in the house . . . maybe . . . " "I have to go down the well to find it, don't waste time, hurry up!" "Kronsa!" I threw him off and ran straight forward, trying to ask Polo and others to help and get ready.I was overwhelmed with horror at this dreadful conjecture.There was a real possibility that Calais had fallen, and he would have been terrified to death if he had lived. "Polo! Polo!" I yelled. I suddenly heard the sound of a horseshoe sprinting, and it turned out to be Ai Qian. I had no time to look at her at such a critical moment, but she was calling: "Oh, Clentha, Jo wants me to tell you that Carlain is with him." I almost fainted when I heard it. "He came in about a quarter of an hour ago, and asked Joe to see his pony; and Joe said he wanted me to tell you, or you'd be worried." John stood beside me and listened. "Oh, John!" I exclaimed with joy, and John beamed with joy.I threw myself into his arms, never having felt so close between us. An hour later, Joe returned to Abbas with Karleon.Callane stood in the saddle, and Joe let him hold the reins, making him feel like he was steering the horse.I've never seen Karaine so happy. Joe looked happy too.He has always liked children very much, and he has long expected Ai Qian to give him a son, but Ai Qian has not yet become pregnant. "Mom!" Kalein saw me from afar, "Uncle is here to see a doctor for Kalema." "Callema" was his own name for the pony, and he always liked his own names for things he liked, and "Callema" meant Callein's pony. I stood next to the horse and saw him safe and sound, filled with gratitude and tears welling up in my eyes. Joe saw my excitement, and he said, "As soon as Carlyne gets to me, I'll ask Essie to report. I know you'll be anxious." "Thank you, Joe," I said quickly. "Looking like a man...can ride a horse. What shall we do next?" "I can ride a horse now," Carlain repeated his words, beaming with joy, "Uncle, come and see my pony!" "Okay, time to go see the pony." Callian said, "We'll fix it soon, won't we?" "That's of course no problem." Seeing the harmonious atmosphere between the two of them, I was a little worried.I don't want Callaine to be with the vet all day; I just want him to know Joe is his uncle and not to be around much.If Joe is a real doctor now, that's another story. I took Carlain off the horse, "Honey," I said, "be sure to let us know next time you go out." The joy that was on Carlain's face was gone in no time, and Joe must have told him how worried we should be.He put his arms around my neck and said, "Next time, I must speak first before leaving." He is so distressing!I am still glad to see him enjoy being with Joe so much, after all Joe is my brother, I am so proud of him, and as for the disappointment in my heart later, I don't want to talk about it. I watched Joe walk into the barn and turned around, and I thought of the night I saved his life with Kim, and my heart ached. It's not a pity for the past days, I'm enviable now How can you compare with the past?It's just that even in my dreams, I'm thinking about what Jin is doing now? "I don't think there's anything serious about it," said Joe when he had examined the pony, putting his hand over his head. "It doesn't need any treatment." Carlain smiled, his eyes showed infinite admiration for Joe.
The dinner that night was not a success.I didn't get a chance to talk to John about the bill during the day until I sat down to eat and didn't think about it again, but couldn't. The Felders were not pleasant.James Feder was in his early fifties and his wife was a few years younger.I have nothing to say to them. Melora also dined with us, and since it was the Feeders who came with me, I didn't invite other companions.After dinner, James wanted to talk to John about business, and they sat drinking and talking. I went back to the living room with Melora and Mrs. Feder.Although there was nothing interesting to talk about either, I happily accompanied until the guest rose to take his leave. I was exhausted by the day: first the bills, then the disappearance of Calaine, then the dinner party. When John and I got back into the bedroom, I decided to talk to him about the bills. He looks tired, but I think this is too important to drag on any longer. "Hagerty told me a nasty thing, John," I began, "today he showed me the bills from two liquor merchants, and he said that if we don't pay the bills, we won't pay the bills next time." Sold us wine." John shrugged. "This thing is really infuriating," I said. He yawned and pretended to be nonchalant, but I sensed some nervousness in him, and he said, "My dear Clentha, people like us shouldn't care about our bills." "That means we won't be able to buy anything from any merchant next time, and that's all right, isn't it?" "That's an exaggeration for you to say that." "I learned from Haggerty that nothing like this ever happened to Justin when he ran the family business." "However, some things happened during his tenure that have not happened under my supervision. For example, my wife mysteriously fell down the stairs and died." He was deliberately dodging the question, just as I channeled guilt into anger. "John, these bills must be paid at once." "Pay with what?" "money." He shrugged, "You take out the money, and I'll pay." "If we can't buy wine, what shall we serve our guests?" "Tell Hagarty to find a liquor dealer who will give us credit." "You owe someone more money?" "Your idea of ​​consumption is that of a redneck, Clenza." "I'm glad I knew I had to pay to get something." "Oh, don't talk to me about money." "John, tell me the truth, are we in trouble, financial trouble?" "Everyone has times when they're struggling financially." "Really? It was like that when Justin was around?" "When Justin was managing the house, everything was impeccable. He was extremely clever, but his cleverness was mistaken by his cleverness!" "John, I want to know the truth." "To know all is to forgive all," he said, not at all serious. "Are we out of money?" "Yes, used up." "Then what are you going to do?" "Praying devoutly for money to float down from the sky." "John, how bad is it?" "I don't know, but the difficulties will always pass, and we often come out of adversity like this." "I must work with you to clarify these situations." "Do it right away?" I suddenly felt something, and I asked him: "You are not borrowing money from Fei De, are you?" He laughed loudly, "We are with each other. He is also in danger and is looking for help. Unfortunately, he found the wrong person tonight." "He wants to borrow money from you?" John nodded. "Then what do you say?" "Oh, let me tell you the truth, I advised him to help himself. Money? There is the most in the bank, and it doesn't matter if I spend less." "John...be serious!" "Kronsa, then I will tell you seriously that we are in adversity; the production of Feld Mine is declining, and it is useless to try to make a swollen face." "Mine production," I said, "Of course, mine!" He stared at me. "I know we're not going to reopen the mine until we have to...but if there's tin in the pit, as people say..." He pursed his lips, his eyes sparkled. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "If it's really impossible..." I said. He interrupted me, "You..." His voice was almost inaudible, "You... came up with such an idea, what do you want?" He grabbed me and shook my shoulders violently, "Who are you... What right do you have to rule Abbas?" His eyes were wide open, and I thought he was really hostile. "Mine!" he yelled, "you know, don't I?" He threw up his hands, the way he was so angry, I thought he was going to beat me up. But suddenly he dropped his hand and turned around.He fell on the bed, and I lay beside him. I know he hasn't slept all night.I've been through so much trouble this day and I can't sleep.Nightmares continue.I saw Mrs. Soulter standing before me; Hagarty coming to me with the bills; Carlain riding with Jo, holding the reins with fat fingers; and John, livid. After one ill-fated day when demons invaded my dreams, I thought they were opening my closet of dark secrets again.
Since that day, I have had no peace.All my attention was on John; I had realized that John would not manage the family business, and that he would affect Callaline's future. I don't know much about business, but I do know that it's not efficient, that mismanagement can get you in trouble.I took Carlyne to visit Grandma and my son couldn't be happier to hear he was going to Joe's!I myself drove the wagon I usually used to go to the neighborhood, with Carlain standing on top of it, holding the reins.Along the way, he gushed about his uncle.Uncle Joe said that horses have feelings just like people, and all animals can understand people, so be careful not to hurt them.The uncle also said... I should be happy to have such a younger brother, an uncle who makes him proud. Essie came out to meet us—as always, looking at me a little shyly.She took us to grandma's room.Grandma is lying on the bed, not feeling well these days. Grandma braided her hair twice and looked older than last time.I knew Essie was doing her best to make her feel at ease, but she always felt a little like a guest here.The neat curtains and bedspreads were a far cry from her style of life.Her presence here always gave the impression that she was retiring, or, to put it harshly, waiting to die. Caleon climbed into the bed to hug her, and she chatted with him.He looked polite, watching her lips intently, though I knew he was looking forward to seeing Jo sooner.Essie went to tell Joe that we were coming; after a while, Joe came to the door, and Carlain hurriedly got out of bed and ran to his uncle.Joe picked him up and held him high above his head. "So you're here to help?" "Yes, Uncle Joe, I'm here to help." "I've got to go over to Pengast's this morning to see his sick horse, and I'm trying to feed him well and maybe that'll fix the problem, don't you think, man?" Callian tilted his head and thought for a while and said, "Yeah, I think so too, buddy." "How is it? Do you want to go and see with me? I'll ask your aunt to make some cakes for us to eat on the way." Carlain put his hands in his pockets, put his feet on one of Joe's, and shrugged his shoulders; I knew he was overjoyed. Callian looked at me with joy in his eyes, and I had to say, "Joe, then you're in charge of bringing him back this afternoon." Joe nodded. "I think I'll go to the Abbas barn this afternoon and take him back." Karlein smiled happily, "It's best to take me to see it too, today is really great!" Essie went out to make pie for their road trip, Granny told me. "It's nice to see them together," she said with a smile, "but you don't think so, dear. You think your brother is worthless." "No, grandma, not quite so..." "You don't like your son being with the veterinarian, do you? But they both like each other! I'm sure Joe will have a son someday, and then, don't be too hard on his son. Think of you How much effort you have made for him before. You are born with a loving heart, you treat people wholeheartedly, as long as you use the power in your hands, you will do a good job. Your son is very cute, don't force him too much. " "I never force him to do anything." She took my hand and said, "We both understand each other because we think the same way. You are feeling uneasy now, so you come to see me." "Grandma, I'm here to see you, how are you?" "I'm old, dear. When I want to bend over to pick herbs, I feel like I can't move my joints. I'm old, and my life is coming to an end. I'm lucky enough to have a place where I can rest now. " "Don't say that, Granny." "Let's face it. Tell me, what are you doing here?" "It's about John." "Oh!" she became sad; she always did that every time I told her about my miserable marriage.Of course, I had fulfilled my dream and became Abbas's mistress, and she was happy for me; but I felt that she wished I had achieved it by some other means. "I think he spends money like water. If this continues, he will squander all the share that should belong to Karlein." "Don't worry about things that are too far away, my dear. What's the trouble at hand?" "Justin? At present, he does not seem to pose any danger." "How can you be sure? Maybe he'll remarry." "If he really wanted to get married, he would have expressed it a long time ago. He seldom wrote to Melora, and in the rare letters he wrote, he never mentioned marriage." "I feel sorry for the pastor's daughter, she was so good to us." Grandma looked at me, but I dared not look her in the eye.I never told her what I did when Judith fell down the stairs. "So, how are you and John?" she asked. "There's a certain distance between the two of you?" "Sometimes, I feel like I don't know John." "Even if we are together every day, we seldom fully understand each other, which is normal." I wondered if she was using her extraordinary vision to see the secrets in my heart, and I quickly said: "What should I do? I must stop him from wasting money like this as soon as possible, and I have to think about Karlein." “你能让他听你的话吗？克伦莎。” “我不敢肯定。” “噢！”她长叹一口气说：“我真为你担心。我经常在半夜醒来，真怪，我就是很为你担心，为你的婚姻担忧。告诉我，克伦莎，如果能回到从前……如果你现在仍是未嫁处女，你会做什么样的选择？单枪匹马，孤军奋战，从做家庭教师或做陪伴人开始，自由自在地生活？还是通过婚姻实现目的，然后忍受婚姻？” 我惊讶地看着她。放弃阿巴斯，我的骄傲、我的人格……我的儿子，换取的是在别人家里做个一等佣人！这其中的选择是不言而喻的。当然，我的婚姻不理想，约翰也不是理想丈夫，我也不爱他，但对于外婆的选择，我会毫不犹豫地选择后者。 “当我与约翰结婚时，我觉得自己的选择是对的，”我说，“至少对我来说是这样。” 外婆露出一丝微笑。 “现在好了，”她说，“我不再为你担心，亲爱的。为什么我要怀疑呢？你从小就很清楚自己想得到些什么。至于你说约翰乱花钱的问题，别担心，会好的。圣·朗斯顿先生会听由你指挥的。” 跟外婆谈话以后，我觉得心里好受多了。我独自驾着马车回到了阿巴斯，一路上，我暗下了决定；我一定要让约翰和我一起共同承担目前的困难，我们一定已负债累累。至于卡莱恩眼前那么热中于乔的工作，我觉得这只不过是小孩子的一时冲动，将来等他上学后，尤其是读了大学，兴趣自然也就会慢慢转移了。
要想说服约翰实在不是件容易的事。每次我切入正题，他就装出一副漫不经心的样子，但我感觉到他内心已开始发愁。 “你说能怎么办？”他吼叫着，“请巫师帮忙？” 我说想知道眼前经济上的详细情况，交换意见，有利于解决问题。 “我们需要的并不是意见，亲爱的妻子，而是金钱。” “也许我们应该节省开支。” “好主意，从你做起。” “我们俩都得节省开支，看看能不能找到节省的办法。” 他双手搭在我肩上说：“聪明的小妇人！”然后皱皱眉头又说：“那就再更聪明些，亲爱的，别管我的事。” “可是约翰……我是你的妻子。” “那是你通过贿赂和欺骗得到的位置。” "What did you say?" 他放声大笑，“你让我觉得好笑，克伦莎。我从没见过像你这样能干的人。你现在真是神气极了！连我母亲生前都没有像你这样伟大。说不准我们得离婚——我们的庙太小，容不下你这样大的菩萨。” “难道你不能正经些？” “我是认真的，我要你别管我。” “约翰，我是想帮你出主意，我们得为卡莱恩的将来着想。” 他抓住我拚命摇晃着我，“我警告你，克伦莎，我不需要你的建议，我不要你的帮助。” 他把我推开，转身离去。 我感到使他懊恼不已的不仅仅是经济问题，他不想讲而已！有时候，我感觉到他恨我。我一定要查个水落石出。 他总是下午去普利茅斯，一直到深更半夜才回家。有另一个女人？我突然感觉到一定是另一个女人在捣乱。我不在意她的存在，但我必须为卡莱恩着想。 约翰是个粗心大意的人，他有时常忘了锁上抽屉。 我对自己说，我所做的一切都是为了卡莱恩，所以尽管我也不愿意翻他的抽屉，但我还是这么做了。那天早上，我知道了真相。约翰在赌博，这就解释了他为什么常去普利茅斯。他已是负债累累，都是欠别人的赌债。 我下决心要制止这件事。
那天下午他又去了普利茅斯，我猜想他准是在赌钱。我满腔怒火，真想告诉他我已知道他在干什么，想问问他是不是想钱想疯了，妄想从赌博中发财，他一定是这样想的。 但我想不出有什么办法能阻止他。 梅洛拉和我在吃饭。她向来善于体察我的情绪，那天，她看出我在为阿巴斯的经济问题担忧。 “自从他走后……情况越来越糟。”她说。 我没理她，我不愿意她提及贾斯廷。 她低下了头，沉默不语。我知道她在想像着什么。她是否想像着贾斯廷已坐在桌旁笑嘻嘻地看着她，他俩享受着美满的婚姻？她是不是想像着她自己的儿子——未来的贾斯廷爵士，此刻正甜甜地睡觉？ 我生起一股无名火，尖刻地说：“这种糟糕的情况向来都存在！” 她摆弄着刀叉说：“克伦莎，最近这一带经济情况都不好。” “你是说当费德矿厂关闭后情况会更糟？” 她抬起头，又点点头，眼睛里充满了悲哀。 “用不了多久，”她说，“然后……” “看起来，我们得过苦日子了；”我很想知道她的真实想法，忍不住问：“梅洛拉，最近有没有贾斯廷的来信？” “已经有两个月没来信了，”她的语气十分平静，“他的信变了。” “变了？”我有点紧张，不知她有没有注意。 “他好像现在很平静，已不再存什么希望。” “是不是……爱上别人了？” “不，就是很平静、超脱。” 我说：“梅洛拉，如果他真心爱你，他怎么舍得离开你？” 她怔怔地看着我说：“也许有各种各样的爱情，克伦莎，你是不会理解的。” 我心里生起一股对他俩的一种鄙视，我觉得他俩不配谈爱情，爱情应该是深挚而热烈的，但他们需要的是道德与传统，那不是爱情。这样一来，我觉得用不着为自己所做的感到内疚。不管怎样，我觉得如果他俩真挚地相爱，什么力量都不可能分开他俩。真正的爱情是奋不顾身的勇往直前。 突然传来一阵脚步声和人声。 “出什么事了？”我们凝神谛听，声音由远而近。响起了门铃声，然后是哈格第的脚步声，掺杂着别人的吵闹声。哈格第走了进来。 我抬起头：“什么事，哈格第？” 他清清嗓子说：“夫人，来了代表团，他们要见圣·朗斯顿先生。” “你没告诉他们他不在家？” “我已经说了，但他们不相信。” “这是什么代表团？” “哦，夫人，是费德矿厂的，索尔·坎迪也来了。” “他们来这儿干什么？” 哈格第显得有些不安：“哦，夫人，我告诉他们……” 我一下就明白他们为什么来这儿，他们想要我们确定一下圣·朗斯顿矿下还有没有锡，要是有的话，就要求我们开矿，他们就会有工作了。我们为什么不试试？也许还能解决自己的问题？这个矿曾拯救过阿巴斯，为什么不能再救一次？ 我对哈格第说：“我去见他们，把他们带到书房。” 格哈第显得犹豫不决；我冷冷地看他一眼，他赶紧走了。 我在书房里接见了这伙人。为首的索尔·坎迪长得高大、有魄力。我想起了他怎么会曾经看上赫蒂·彭加斯特。 索尔是他们的代言人，我就同他谈了。 “你们来找我丈夫，可他不在家。在生意上，他一向是与我商量的，所以，如果你们愿意告诉我来这儿的目的，我会转告他的。” 他们拿不准主意，有些人脸上显出一副怀疑的表情。也许是他们不相信约翰真的不在家，也许他们不愿意跟一个女人谈这样的大事。索尔·坎迪和我两人都显得十分沉稳。我相信他记得我是巫师的外孙女，但他彷佛想跟我说了。 “好吧，夫人，”他说，“看样子，费德矿厂马上就要关闭了，这就意味着我们中的许多人的日子将变得艰难。我们相信圣·朗斯顿矿下仍有末开挖的锡，我们希望在徵得你们的同意后开矿。” “听起来很公平合理。”我说。 我发现他们的脸上露出满意的表情，我说：“等我丈夫回来我就告诉他，这问题会很快得到解决的。” 索尔·坎迪继续说：“好的，夫人，希望不要拖延此事。如果我们能马上开矿，很多人就会放心多了！” “你们为什么坚信朗斯顿矿下仍有锡？” “哦，我们的祖辈曾说朗斯顿矿是突然关闭的，当时也给不少人带来了痛苦。现在时世艰难，希望富人们能为穷人们着想。” 他的话中带点威胁的成分，我不太喜欢，但我承认他的话也颇有道理。“我会告诉我丈夫你们来访过了。”我向他们保证。 “请您告诉他，夫人，我们还会再来的。” 我垂下眼睛，他们顺从地走了。 我转身去找梅洛拉，她脸色苍白。 “克伦莎，”她说，“这世上的好像没有你做不到的事？” 我说我可没做成什么了不起的事。我心中想：我找到办法了；一定要重新开矿，为了卡莱恩爵士拯救阿巴斯家业。 那天夜里，约翰回来时，我还没睡。我注意到他脸上有一种绝望的表情，彷佛是丢了什么宝贝似的。这样反而好，我在想，他会像别人一样急于开矿来摆脱困境。 我坐在床上，他一进门，我就说：“约翰，今天代表团来了。” “什么团？” “索尔·坎迪带着些矿工来我们家，他们希望你重新开挖朗斯顿矿。” 他坐在床上直瞪着我。 “我知道你不赞成这么做，但这是摆脱困境的唯一出路。从前起作用的现在依然有效。” “你疯了？”他说着，跌跌撞撞地走到窗前，拉开窗帘向外望去。 “你喝酒了，”我说，“哦，约翰，你难道不明白得想个办法；不管你是否乐意，这些人都会开矿的。” “要是他们敢在我领地上动土，我就告他们侵犯领地罪。” “听着，约翰，没有别的办法了。费德矿厂一停业，人民的生活将更艰难。你总不能眼看着他们受苦而置之不理吧？” 他转向我，我看到他气得嘴巴都弯了，真有点出乎意料。 “你很清楚，无论怎样，不能动那个矿。” “我很清楚的是我们得想个办法，约翰。” "what?" “我们得向这些人表示我们是愿意开矿的，要是我们拒绝，那他们会怎么想？” 他看着我的样子彷佛是想杀了我，“绝对不能动我的矿！”他语气坚定。 他走出卧室，一整夜都待在化妆室里。
约翰十分顽固，他就是不同意开矿。我从没看过他这么态度坚决。他变了，以前，他总是马马虎虎，毫不在意周围的事。我真不明白他怎么会变成这样。他为什么这么强烈地反对开矿？他从前从不像贾斯廷那样，为家族的名誉和骄傲着想。 贾斯廷！我突然想到了给贾斯廷写信。不管怎么说，他们是这儿的主人，只要他下命令开矿，那一定没问题。 但我又犹豫了。我彷佛看到贾斯廷收到信以后，把它当作再好不过的回家理由，然后又赢得了众村民的拥戴。要是他回来使矿工们能开挖朗斯顿矿，那人们便会忘记他的过去。 不，我不能给贾斯廷写信。 村子里已在发生着巨大的变化。一种不祥的气氛笼罩着人们的心。人人觉得圣·朗斯顿家的人明明可以开矿为人们提供就业机会，但是却拒绝这样做。 有一次约翰骑马路过村子时，有人向他投石子。他没看见是谁丢的，但显然，这是个威胁的信号。 我从来没像现在这样的提心吊胆过日子。 我现在已不想再做说服约翰的任何努力，因为那只会使他更加顽固。他现在几乎总是不在家；有时候，他偶尔半夜里回家，躲到化妆室过一夜。很明显，他在有意回避我。 我常常很早上床，心里想着不能总这样下去，一定会出事的，也许约翰最终会让步。 我躺在床上，但怎么也睡不着。约翰要到半夜里才回家……也许更晚。不管他会怎样发火，我得再跟他谈一次，向他提醒要对儿子的将来负责。为了维持家族的荣誉这样不明事理，实在是很愚蠢的。 我在脑子里反覆地想着该怎么跟他谈。心绪不宁，我干脆起身来到了窗口。 我已经养成了这么个习惯，常喜欢站在窗口眺望远处的石头。看着那些石头，我就觉得自己生活中的那些痛苦算不了什么，心里平衡多了！ 我站在那儿，觉得其中的一块石柱在移动，不，是有人在那儿，提着灯笼！不只是一盏灯，有许多灯在围着处女石转。有一个戴着头盔的人站在那儿，我注视着他，不一会儿，我也看到了站在他周围有许多人，他们围站在后头边，都戴着头盔。 我想知道他们是谁，来干什么，所以就急急忙忙穿着衣服走了出去。我穿过草坪来到草地上，等我到那儿时，却发现什么人也没有。星光下，只有矗立在那儿的石像，还有附近的旧矿。 我怀疑：是不是索尔·坎迪和一伙人在这儿开会商量下一步该怎么办？他们真会挑选开会地点！但他们现在已经走了。我站在原地，不由得想起了这些修女们遭受的痛苦，尤其是第七位处女。 想一想：她被关起来、慢慢地窒息而死！ 我这样地想入非非，实在是犯傻，但是，在这样的夜晚，还能有什么美妙的念头？
那天夜里，约翰回来时，我一点也不知道。我肯定是睡着了，这样又失去了一次谈话的机会。 第二天一大早，他一起床就走了。他又去了普利茅斯的俱乐部，一定又在那儿赌博。 后来，我了解到那天他是在半夜时离开赌场的，但他没有回家。 我清晨起床后，发现他化妆室的那张单人床在前天夜里根本没人睡过。整整一天，我都在等他，我已下定决心要跟他开诚布公地谈一次。 可是，这天夜里他又没回家。又过了几夜，仍不见他回来，我们感到一定是出什么事了。 我们四处打听，得知在两天前的那个夜里，他离开了俱乐部。我们本还以为他是赢了钱，在回家的路人遭人抢劫了，但后来得知的情况是他那天夜里输得厉害，走的时候，几乎是身无分文。 我们开始四处打听、寻找约翰。 但是找不到任何线索，过了一星期，仍是没有进展，我们相信约翰真的失踪了。