Chapter 9 Volume III Russian Priests

When Alyosha entered the elder's monastery with a feeling of pain and anxiety, he was almost stunned: he thought that the elder was in a state of death, and even lost consciousness, but now he suddenly saw him sitting in an easy chair, his face Weak and weary, but refreshed and cheerful, he was talking calmly and soberly to several of his guests.In fact, he did not get up until a quarter of an hour before Alyosha's return.The guests had gathered in his monastery long ago, waiting for him to wake up, because Father Baisi said with certainty: "The master will definitely wake up, he wants to talk to his beloved one more time, this is what he said this morning. Promise." For the promise and any words of the elder who is not long in the world, Father Baisi firmly believes that even if he sees that the elder has completely lost consciousness and even stopped breathing, as long as he promises, he will get up and talk to him Farewell, then maybe he will not believe that he is dead, and will wait for the dead to wake up to fulfill his promise.Just this morning, the Elder Zosima assured him as he fell asleep, "Unless I once again enjoy fully the pleasure of talking to you dear ones, and looking once more at your lovely faces, I will never die until I pour out my heart to you again." Those who came to hear what might be the last talk of the Elder were all his most loyal friends over the years.There were four of them in all: Priest Joseph, Priest Baisi, and Priest Mikhail—the abbot of the monastery, not very old, not very learned, of common origin, but strong in character, with a firm and firm heart. Simple faith, looks very serious, but his heart is full of affection, although he deliberately conceals or even ashamed to reveal this love.The fourth guest was an old and honest monk, Father Anfim, who was born in an extremely poor peasant family. He was almost uneducated. It looked like he had been frightened by something, but he could never understand the terrible thing.Elder Zosima was very fond of this man who always seemed to be trembling, and he had an extraordinary respect for him all his life, but he probably talked to him less than anyone else in his life, even though the two of them had traveled together for many years in all parts of holy Russia. .That was a long time ago, nearly forty years ago, when Elder Zosima first started his training in a poor and unknown priory in Castroma, and soon he traveled around with Father Anfim to serve them. Fundraising for the poor Castroma monastery.Now the host and guests are gathered together in the elder's second room, which is the room where his bed is placed. As mentioned earlier, this is a very small room, so four people (except Brother Porfiry, who is standing by) excluding) all barely squeezed around the elders' easy chair on chairs brought from the first room.It was beginning to get dark, and the house was lit only by the kerman and a few candles in front of the holy image.When the elder saw Alyosha come in and stood awkwardly in the doorway, he smiled cheerfully at him and held out his hand to him.

"Hello, quiet child, hello, honey, here you come. I knew you would be back." Alyosha went up to him, knelt down and wept.Something was churning in his heart, his heart was trembling, and he really wanted to cry. "What's the matter with you? Cry later." The elder smiled and put his right hand on his head. "Look, don't I sit here and talk, maybe I'll live another twenty years, as the kind and lovely lady from Vishegorie wished yesterday with her daughter Lizaveta in her arms. God bless that mother and her daughter Lizaveta! (He crosses himself) Porfiri, have you sent her donation to the place I said?"

He was thinking of the sixty kopecks that the jovial woman had offered yesterday, asking him to give to "women poorer than me."Such donations are regarded by believers as a voluntary punishment, and must be earned by their own labor.Before the evening, the elder sent Porfiry to give money to a local female citizen who was caught in a fire not long ago. She was a widow with several children and could only live by begging after the fire.Porfiry hastened to report to him that the matter was settled, and that the money was delivered to her, as ordered, "from an unknown benefactor."

"Get up, dear," continued the elder to Alyosha. "Let me come and see you. Did you go home, did you see your brother?" Alyosha wondered that the elder should ask one of his brothers with such certainty and definiteness—which one was it?In this way, it may be because of this brother that the elder sent him away yesterday and today. "Saw one of the two brothers," said Alyosha. "I'm talking about the one yesterday, the big one, the one I kowtowed to." "I saw my elder brother yesterday, but I can't find him today," said Alyosha.

"Find him quickly and find him tomorrow, find him quickly, drop everything else, and find him quickly. Maybe there's still time to stop something terrible. I kowtowed yesterday to the catastrophe he was about to suffer .” He fell silent suddenly, as if thinking deeply about something.What he said was also very strange.Father Joseph, who witnessed the elder's bow to the ground yesterday, exchanged glances with Father Baisi.Alyosha could bear it no longer. "Master," he said excitedly, "your words are too vague... What kind of disaster awaits him?" "Don't ask too much. Yesterday I seemed to have a premonition that something terrible would happen... The look in his eyes yesterday foreshadowed the fate of his life... His eyes flashed like that...I immediately thought about what was brewing for this person Things are frightening. I have seen such an expression on some people's faces only once or twice in my life... It seemed to foretell the fate of those people's lives, but unfortunately it all came true. I sent you to him, Ah Lexey, in the thought that your image of brotherhood might help him. But everything depends on God, and so does our fate.' A grain of wheat remains a single grain until it falls to the ground and dies. If you are alive, you will bear many seeds.' You must remember this sentence. Alexey, I have silently blessed your appearance in my heart many times in my life. You must also remember this. said the elder with a smile. "This is how I think about you: You should leave here and live the life of a monk. You will have many enemies, but even your enemies will love you. Life will bring you many misfortunes, but You will be happy because of it. You will give thanks to life, and you will make others give thanks for life—more than anything else. That is what you are. Priests and masters,” said the elder to his guests, with a friendly smile on his face, “ Hitherto I have never said, not even to him, why the young man's face touched my soul so dearly. Now I will tell you that his face seemed to me a reminder And prophecy, in the early days of my life, when I was a boy, I had a brother, whom I saw die young, seventeen years old. Then, as the years grew, I gradually became convinced that my elder brother seemed to be a direction and a pre-arrangement in the destiny of my life, because if he did not appear in my life, if he did not exist at all, then I think I may never be. As a monk, I will never set foot on this precious path. It was the first adventure I encountered in my childhood, and now, at the end of my life, the miracle seems to appear before my eyes again. It is strange, everyone Priest and master, Alyosha's appearance is not exactly the same as my brother's, but a little like that's all, but in spirit I think it is so similar, I almost take him for that young man-my brother. In my old age , he came to me mysteriously again, in order to call up a certain memory and affection, so that I was surprised even at myself, at this strange vision of myself. Do you hear, Porfiry?" He turned and asked the usual The trainee monk who has been serving him. "I've seen distress on your face so many times because you think I love Alexey more than you. Now you know why. But you know I love you too, see I am often sad when you are not happy. Dear guests, now I want to tell you about this young man, my brother, because in all my life there has never been a more precious and touching appearance than this one. , more prophetic. My heart is pounding and I have mixed feelings. At this moment, I reflect on my life, as if living it all over again from beginning to end..."

I should note here that part of the last conversation the elder had with the guests who visited him on the last day of his life has been preserved in part in the form of records.This was recorded by Alexei Fyodorovich Karamazov shortly after the elder's death.But this was the exact words at the time, or whether Alyosha also added the content of the conversations the master had with him several times before, I am not sure about this.What's more, in the record, the elder's entire conversation seems to be uninterrupted, as if he was telling his friends about his life in the form of a story, but according to the subsequent narrations, it is actually not the case.Because everyone participated in the conversation that night, although the guests seldom interrupted the host’s conversation, after all they expressed their opinions, participated in the conversation, and possibly talked about their own situations. He kept on talking, because sometimes the elder was so weak that he couldn't breathe, could not make a sound, and even needed to lie down on his own bed for a while, although he didn't fall asleep, and the guests didn't leave either.Once or twice the conversation was interrupted by the reading of the Bible by Father Baisi.Interestingly, none of them thought that he would die that night, not to mention that on the last night of his life, after sleeping soundly during the day, he seemed to have suddenly acquired a new strength, which enabled him to persevere from beginning to end. Talk to friends.It seemed to be his last outburst of emotion, which kept him alive with incredible vigor, but not for long, because his life came to a sudden stop... but that's for another time.Now I just want to say in advance that I am not going to recount the details of the conversation, but confine myself to the elder's account recorded by Alexei Fyodorovich Karamazov.It would have been shorter and less tiresome, although I repeat that much of the material was taken from previous conversations and added by Alyosha.

Dear priests and masters, I was born in a city B in a certain province in the far north. My father was an aristocrat, but he was neither famous nor a high official.I was two years old when he died and I don't remember anything about him.He left my mother a small wooden house and a little property, although not much, but enough to support the life of orphans and widows without going hungry.My mother bore us only two brothers: my brother Markel and myself Zinov.My brother was eight years older than me. He was short-tempered and easily excitable, but kind-hearted, never mocked anyone, and was surprisingly silent, especially at home. He didn't like to talk to me, my mother, or the servants.He was doing well in school, but he didn't get along with his classmates, but he didn't fight, at least that's what his mother said.He was only seventeen years old when he died, and six months before his death he had often visited a solitary man in our city, who seemed to be a political prisoner exiled from Moscow to our city because of his free thoughts.The exile was a great scholar and famous philosopher, who had taught at the university.For some reason, he fell in love with Markel and began to receive him.The young man sat with him all night, and so lasted the winter, until the exile was recalled to Petersburg and held a government office, at his own request and with the help of his patrons. .Lent began, and Markel refused to fast. He scolded and laughed: "This is all nonsense, there is no God." His words and deeds frightened my mother and servants, even me The young age was no exception, I was only nine years old at the time, and I was terrified when I heard his words.The servants in my family were all serfs, only four in total, all bought from a landowner we knew.I also remember that my mother later sold one of the old, lame cooks, Afemia, for six hundred rubles in notes, and hired a free peasant woman to replace her.In the sixth week of Lent, my brother suddenly fell ill. He was not in good health. He often had pain in his chest. He was weak and looked like he had consumption.He is not short, but very thin, but his face is very delicate.He may have suffered from a bit of cold, but the doctor came to see him and whispered to his mother that he had acute lung disease and would not live to spring.The mother wept, and began to gently (mainly to frighten him) persuade my brother to go to church and say fasting prayers and receive the sacraments, because then he could still get up and walk.The elder brother was very annoyed when he heard this, and cursed the temple of God, but he began to think seriously: he immediately guessed that his illness was very serious, so his mother asked him to go to the church to pray and perform the sacraments while he still had the strength.However, he knew that he was sick a long time ago. Once when he was eating, he said to my mother and me calmly: "I won't live long, maybe not even a year." , To his misfortune, it hits the mark.Three or four days later, the first week before Easter came.My brother has been going to church to pray since Tuesday morning. "Mom, I'm doing this for your sake, to make you happy and to comfort you," he said to his mother.The mother was full of grief and joy, and cried: "He has changed so suddenly, it seems that he is not far away from death." But he went to church a few times and was bedridden.Prayers and sacraments can only be performed for him at home.Easter came late that year, and the weather was fine, sunny, and fragrant in the air.I remember him coughing all night, not sleeping well, always getting dressed and trying to sit on the soft chair the next day.I firmly remembered his appearance: he sat there quietly, with a peaceful expression and a smile on his face. Although he was a patient, the expression on his face was lively and cheerful.He was completely changed mentally--a surprising change had come over him suddenly!The old nurse came into his room and said, "Honey, let me light the magic lamp in front of the holy image for you too." But before, he was not allowed to light it, and even if it was lit, he would blow it out. "Light it up, dear, light it up, I didn't let you do it before, you're a fool. You light the magic lamp and pray to God, and I'm going to pray for you with joy. So we all We are praying to the same God." We thought his words were strange, and my mother went back to the room and cried secretly, and only wiped away her tears and pretended to be happy when she walked into his room. "Don't cry, mother, dear," he used to say, "I've got a long time to live, to live happily with you, and to live, to live, to be happy!" "Oh, my darlings, You have been feverish all night, coughing until your chest is cracking, what joy is there!" He replied, "Mom, don't cry, life is heaven, we are all in heaven, but we don't want to know If you want to know this, tomorrow the whole world will become a paradise." Everyone was puzzled by his words, which were so strange and so resolute.Everyone was moved and wept.When a familiar friend came to visit us, he said: "Dear relatives, what is there about me that deserves your love? Why do you love someone like me? I didn't know how to cherish it before!" The servant said: "My beloved, why do you serve me like this? Am I worthy of your service? If God is gracious to let me live, then I will serve you personally, because everyone should serve each other." Mom listened He shook his head and said, "My dear, you say that because you are sick." He said, "Mom, dear mother, since it is impossible not to have a master and a servant, then I will be my servant's servant, just like they are my servant. I also want to tell you, mother, that every one of us is guilty in front of everyone, and I am more guilty than anyone else.” My mother even laughed when she heard that, crying and laughing at the same time: “Why Who are you more sinful in front of everyone? They are murderers, robbers, when have you done such evil things that you think your sin is greater than anyone else?" "Mother, my own mother, I Dear mother (he suddenly likes to say these affectionate words), you know, everyone is guilty of everyone and everything in public. I don't know how to explain it to you, but I feel deeply , It is indeed like this. In the past, we lived and we were angry, but why didn’t we understand this truth at all?” When he woke up every day, his mood became more and more excited, excited, and his heart was full of love.As soon as the doctor came—the old German Eisenschmidt often came—he joked with the doctor: "Well, doctor, can I live another day in this world?" How many days to live," the doctor replied, "and months and years to live." "Why years and months?" he shouted, "why count the days? One day is more than enough to experience all happiness. My dear people, why should we quarrel, show off each other, hold each other's grudges? We should go out into the garden, walk together, play, love each other, praise each other, kiss each other, thank our Life." When the mother sent the doctor to the door, the doctor whispered to her: "Your son won't live long, he's a little out of his mind because of this disease." The window in my brother's room faced the garden, and we The garden at home is full of green shade, with towering old trees, and spring buds blooming on the trees. The spring birds perch on the branches, chirping non-stop, singing to his window.He looked at the little birds, admired their beautiful singing, and suddenly asked their forgiveness: "God's little bird, merry little bird, please forgive me too, for I have committed sins before you too." None of us understood that, but he wept with joy. "Yes, this bird, this tree, this meadow, this sky, the glory of God is all around me. I alone live in disgrace, polluting everything around me, utterly unaware of beauty and glory." "How do you You can attribute many crimes to yourself!" Mom often said to him with tears in her eyes. "Mom, dear dear mother, I cry because I am happy, not because I am sad. I really want to admit my mistake to them, but I can't explain it to you, because I don't know how to love them. Although I am in front of everyone Guilty, but you will forgive me, this is heaven. Am I not in heaven now?"

There are many other things like this, I can't remember, and I can't remember them all.I only remember once I walked into his room alone, and he waved to me when he saw me go in.I walked up to him and he grabbed my shoulders with both hands and stared at me with great affection and love without saying a word, just looked at me like that for about a minute and said, "Okay, now you go out and play Come on, you live instead of me!" At that time, I walked out of his room and went outside to play.Later, in my life, I recalled many times with tears in my eyes how he told me to live in his stead.He also said many such strange and beautiful things, but it is a pity that we could not understand them at the beginning.He died in the third week after Easter, conscious when he died, and though he could no longer speak, his manner remained unchanged until the last moment: he looked around merrily, with joy in his eyes, looking for us, Smile at us and call us.Regarding his death, even people in the whole city were talking about it.All this shocked me at the time, but not particularly strongly, though I wept bitterly when he was buried.At that time I was still young, completely a child, but all this left an indelible impression on my heart, and there was a feeling deeply hidden in my heart.But when the time is right, it will definitely revive and respond.Later, this situation really happened.

At that time, there were only us mother and son left.Soon, some well-meaning friends persuaded her, now that you have only one son, you are not poor and have wealth, why don't you send your son to Petersburg like other families?If you let him stay here, it is likely to ruin his bright future.They also gave my mother the idea of ​​sending me to the Petersburg Arms School in order to join the Emperor's Guards.The mother hesitated for a long time, how could she be willing to part with her only son.But for my happiness, I finally made up my mind, even though I shed a lot of tears.She took me to Petersburg, and arranged for me to enter the Armed School.Since then I have never seen her face again: three years later she herself became depressed and ill because of missing us brothers, and passed away.What I take away from my family are only precious memories, because the most precious thing for a person is the memories of childhood spent with their parents. As long as there is a little bit of love and harmony in this family, then always.Even the worst of families can leave precious memories, if your heart is good at finding the precious things.I also include my recollections of Bible stories in my family memories.At my parents' house, I already wanted to know these stories so much, even though I was a kid.At that time I had a book, a Bible story, with beautiful illustrations, called "One Hundred and Four Stories from the Old and New Testaments", and I used this book to learn to read.This book is still on the shelf here, and I keep it as a precious souvenir.But I remember, long before I could read, when I was eight years old, I had my first experience of some kind of inspiration.On the Monday before Easter, my mother took me to church alone to go to mass (I don't remember where my brother was).It was a fine day.Looking back now, it was like seeing again the wisps of cigarette smoke rising from the censers, while the sunlight poured down on us through the narrow windows in the vaults.The lingering cigarettes gradually rose against the sun, as if melting in the sun.I watched this sight with great emotion, and for the first time my soul consciously received the first seed of God's revelation.A young man walked to the center of the church with a large book in his hand—it was so big that I found it difficult to hold it at the time—he put the book on the lectern, opened it, and began to read.Then suddenly for the first time I understood, for the first time in my life, what books I was reading in church.In the region of Uz there lived an upright and God-fearing man who was rich and had many camels, donkeys, and sheep, and his children ate, drank, and played all day long.He loved them very much, and prayed to God for them: perhaps they committed sins by eating, drinking, and merrying like this.Once the devil came before God with all the sons of God and told God that he had traveled all over the earth and under the earth. "Have you seen my servant Job?" God asked him.God praised Job to the devil, saying that he was a holy and great servant.Hearing God's words, the devil sneered and said, "Give him to me, and you will see that your servant will complain and curse you." So God handed over his beloved God-fearing people to the devil , the devil killed his children and his livestock, and destroyed his property, all so suddenly, as if struck by the thunderbolt of God.Job tore his clothes, threw himself on the ground, and said loudly: "I came out of my mother's womb naked, and I returned to the earth naked. God gave it, and God took it back. May the name of God be blessed forever! "Fathers and masters, please forgive my tears now, because my childhood seems to reappear before me, and now I seem to breathe with my weak chest as when I was eight years old, and I am as surprised as I was then, Panic and joy.How richly I imagined those camels, and Satan who dared to speak to God, and God who handed over his servants to his destruction, and how he cried, "However you punish me, your name Blessed forever" servants—and the melodious chant in the church: "May my prayers come true," and finally the cigarette smoke rising from the priest's censer and prayers on the knees!Since then, I have been unable to read this incomparably sacred story without tears—I even re-read it yesterday.How much greatness, mystery, and unimaginable things are contained in this story!Afterwards I have also heard mocking, censure, and haughty words: how could God give one of his favorite saints to the devil for his pleasure?And took away his child, and made him covered with sores from head to toe, and he could only scrape away the pus and blood from the sores with a tile.Why do you want to do this?Nothing more than to boast to Satan: "Look how much my saints have endured for my sake!" But the greatness lies in the fact that there is a secret here, and that is the coming and going of mortal images united with eternal truth .Eternal truth manifests itself in the presence of earthly truth.Just as in the first few days of the creation of the world boasted "I have created everything well", now the Creator looks at Job and once again boasts of his creation.And when Job praised God, he was not only serving God, but also serving God’s creation from generation to generation, because that was his mission.Lord, what a book this is!How many valuable lessons have been taught to us! The Bible is amazing!What mysterious miracles and what great powers it bestows upon man!It is simply a model of the whole world and human beings and human nature, which mentions everything and points out the eternal truth.How many mysteries are solved and revealed: God restores Job, restores his wealth, and after many years he has new children, other children, and he loves them.God!His old children were gone, and he had lost them, so how could he love these new ones?Now he was with his new children, lovely as they were, but would he be truly happy when he thought of the old ones?Yet it is possible, possible, that old wounds can gradually be transformed into serene and touching joy through the vicissitudes of life, and the boiling blood of the young will be replaced by the modesty and wisdom of the old: I bless the sunrise every day, My heart still celebrates the sunrise, but I love the sunset more, and the long slanting light, with its peaceful, gentle, touching remembrance, and the lovely images of my long and happy life— —and above all this is the truth of God, the moving, comforting, all-forgiving truth!My life is coming to an end, I have come into contact with another new life, boundless, unpredictable, but soon to come, and when I foresee this new life, my soul trembles with ecstasy, and I My reason is shining brightly, and my heart weeps with joy... Friends and masters, I have heard more than once, and more recently, that our priests, especially those in the villages, are everywhere weeping Complaining about their low salary and low status, publicly declaring, and even writing—I have read it myself—that they seem to be unable to explain the Bible to the common people because their salary is too small. The cultists come to rob the flock, let them take it, because our salary is too small.I thought in my heart, Lord, they value salary so much, so you should give more. Their complaints are justified.But let me be honest: if anyone is at fault in this, half the fault is ours.Because even if there is no time, even if it is true what they said about being overwhelmed by work and sacraments all the time, it is not always so busy. You can spend at least one hour a week thinking about God. It can't be a busy year.You can call people into your home, once a week, in the evenings, and start with just some of the children—their parents will come when they hear about it.You don't need to build any palaces to do this, you can receive them in the log cabin of your own home.You don't have to be afraid, they won't turn your house upside down, because it's only an hour.You just need to open the book and read it to them. Don't talk big things, don't put on airs, don't be condescending, be kind and gentle. And feel happy.You yourself should like what you read, you just stop now and then to explain things that are difficult for ordinary people to understand, and don't worry, they will understand everything, the heart of an Orthodox Christian will understand everything!You read to them the story of Abraham and Sarah, and the story of Isa and Rebecca, how Jacob went to Laban, and wrestled with God in his dream, and said, "What an awesome place this is."Then you will surely shake the minds of ordinary people who fear God.You have to read to them, especially to the children, the story of how the brothers sold their own younger brother, a lovely young man, Joseph, who often foretold the future in his dreams, as a slave, and said to his father , His son was torn to pieces by wild beasts, and he was shown the bloody coat.You still have to read to them the story: the brothers went to Egypt to buy grain, and Joseph was already the prime minister at that time, but he was not recognized by the brothers, and he tortured them, punished them, and detained Benjamin, And he did this out of love: "I love you, and I torture you because of love." Because he will never forget that he was sold to a businessman next to a well on the scorching grassland. Pulling them, weeping and begging his brothers not to sell him to a foreign country as a slave.Now, many years later, he saw them again, loved them infinitely again, but made them suffer again, and did so out of love.Finally, unable to bear the pain in his own heart, he walked away from them and threw himself on his bed and wept bitterly.Then he wiped away his tears and came out cheerfully and said to them, "My brothers, I am Joseph, your brother!" Then read on: Old father Jacob was overjoyed when he heard that his lovely little son was alive , could not wait to go to Egypt, left his homeland, and finally died in a foreign country, uttering in his will the great prophecy that he had kept secret all his life in his docile and timid heart: out of the midst of his Jewish nation would appear the whole world. great hope, mediator and savior of the world!Forgive me, priests and masters, and don't be angry, I am telling stories like children that you already know, and you can tell them a hundred times more beautifully than I can.I say this out of excitement, and please forgive my tears, because I love this book so much!Let him, the priest of God, weep aloud too, and he will see how much the souls of those who hear him read will be greatly shaken.All it takes is a tiny seed, sow it in the heart of the common man, and it will not die, but will live in his heart forever, like a ray of light amidst the darkness and the filth of all his sins, like a kind of Great reminder, forever buried in his heart.There is absolutely no need to explain and admonish, the common people will understand everything.Do you think ordinary people can't understand?You could try and read them a touching story about the beautiful Esther and the proud Vashti, or the wonderful story of the prophet Jonah in the belly of a whale.Also don't forget to read God's parables, especially the ones in Luke (which I do), followed by Saul's conversation in Acts (a must read, not No!).Finally, take from the "Must Read of the Month" the words of Alexei the God-man, and the life of the greatest merry martyr, the eye-witness of God, the Virgin Mary from Egypt--your simple stories Sure to touch their hearts.一个星期中总共才那么一小时，虽然你的薪俸很少，但只要挤出一小时就够了。你自己将会发现，我们的老百姓是厚道的，知恩图报的，他们会给予百倍的报答。他们记住了牧师的关怀和他那些感人肺腑的话，一定会心甘情愿地帮他干地里的活，也会帮他干家务活，而且比以前更加尊敬他——这样他的薪俸也就增加了。事情是这样简单，有时候我们简直不敢说出来，因为别人会笑话你，但事实的确如此！凡是不相信上帝的人，他也不会相信上帝的子民。凡是相信上帝子民的人，他就能发现上帝的神明，虽然在这之前他对此完全不相信。唯有人民及其未来的精神力量才能改变那些脱离了故土的无神论者。没有实例，基督的话有什么用？要是没有上帝的启示，人民就完了，因为他们的心灵渴望上帝的启示和各种美好的感觉。我年轻的时候，那是很久以前的事，差不多四十年前，我和安菲姆神甫为了替修道院募捐，走遍了俄国各地。有一次在一条可以通航的大河的河岸上和渔民们一起过夜，一位英俊的小伙子凑过来和我们坐在一起，他是农民，看样子已有十八岁，第二天要赶到一个地方给货船拉纤。我发现他用一种动人而清澈的目光望着前方。七月的夜晚显得明亮、宁静而温暖，河面宽阔，水气蒸腾，给我们带来阵阵凉爽，偶尔有鱼儿蹿出水面，溅起点点水花，鸟儿停止了啾啁，万籁俱寂，景色美妙。万物都在向上帝祈祷。只有我们俩，我和那小伙子，没睡，我们兴致勃勃地谈论着上帝的世界的美妙以及它的伟大秘密。每一棵小草，每一只小虫，蚂蚁，黄蜂，虽然不会思考，却清清楚楚知道自己应走的道路，证实着上帝的秘密，而且自己也不断地实现这秘密。我看到这可爱的小伙子心中有一团烈火在燃烧。他告诉我，他爱树林，爱林中的鸟，他善于捕鸟，他听得懂它们的每一声鸣叫，只要他一声口哨，任何鸟儿都会向他飞来。他说再也没有比在树林里更美妙的了，其实，一切都是美妙的。我回答他说：“确实，一切都是美妙的，因为一切都是真理。你瞧那些马，那和人十分亲近的伟大的动物，或者那些牛，它们为人提供营养、替人干活，低着头沉思，你看一看它们的脸：对人多么温顺，多么依恋，而人却经常无情地鞭打它们，它们的脸是多么憨厚，充满了信任，它们的脸美极了，它们没有犯过任何罪孽，因为一切都完美无缺，除了人之外，一切都没有罪过，远在我们之前基督就和它们同在了，即使知道了这一点也足以使人感动不已。”小伙子问我：“难道它们也有基督吗？”我说：“怎么会没有呢？因为上帝的启示是针对万物的，上帝创造的一切，所有的动物，每一片树叶都渴望着聆听上帝的启示，赞美上帝的荣耀，为基督哭泣，凭着自己清白无辜的一生的秘密不自觉地实现上帝的启示。你瞧那头可怕的在树林里到处乱闯的熊，样子凶恶，脾气暴躁，但它在这方面没有一点过错。”接着我就给他讲了一个故事。有一次一头熊闯到了一个在森林里一间小修道室修行的圣徒那儿，伟大的圣徒可怜它，毫不畏惧地出来迎接它，给了它一块面包：“去吧，基督与你同在。”那凶狠的野兽居然服服帖帖地走开了，一点也没伤害他。小伙子听了那头熊一点也没伤害圣徒就走开了，而且基督也与它同在这些话，不禁异常感动。 “啊，这太好了，上帝创造的一切太美好了！”他坐在那儿静静地甜蜜地沉思起来。我看得出，他领悟了。接着他就在我身边无忧无虑、纯洁无邪地睡着了。愿主为青春祝福！我蒙眬入睡之前，亲自为他祈祷。主啊，你把和平和光明赐予你的子民吧！

我在彼得堡武备学校里呆了很久，几乎有八年时间。新的教育使我对少年时代的印象淡漠了不少，虽然一点也没忘却。我接受许许多多新的习惯，甚至新的看法，以致变成了一个近乎野蛮、残酷和乖僻的人。在掌握法语的同时，我也学会了一套交际场合的繁缛礼节。我们把在武备学校伺候我们的士兵完全当做畜生看待，我也毫不例外，也许比别人更厉害，因为我在全体同学中对所有的事情最为敏感。我们毕业后当上了军官，大家都做好了准备，一旦我们团的荣誉受到玷污，就不惜流血牺牲。至于什么是真正的荣誉，我们中间几乎谁也不知道，即使有人知道的话，我自己肯定会首先嘲笑一番。酗酒，争吵，几乎成了我们引以自豪的资本。我并不认为人人都是坏蛋，所有这些小伙子都是好人，但行为恶劣，我尤其如此。主要是我自己的手头，有了可以任意支配的钱，所以开始讲究享受，染上了青年人的一切不良嗜好，没有节制，挥霍无度。但是说来也真奇怪：当时我还看些书，甚至看得津津有味。唯独《圣经》那时候从来没有翻过，但始终带在身边。这本书我确实十分珍惜，“每年每月，每时每刻”都珍惜它，连我自己也不知道是怎么回事。我这样服役四年，最后来到我们团的驻地K城。这个城市的社交界人数众多。各种人物都有，他们热情好客，而且都很有钱，会寻欢作乐。我到处受到盛情款待，因为我从小生性乐观，而且大家都知道我也并非囊中羞涩之辈，这在社交界可是个很重要的条件。当时出现了一个情况，并且由此引发了一连串的事情。我看中了一位年轻美貌的女郎，她聪明端庄，性格开朗，气质高雅，出身名门。父母并非等闲之辈，有财有势，对我和蔼可亲，热情有加。我觉得这女郎内心也对我颇有好感——于是我想入非非，热血沸腾。直到事后我才明白，才完全意识到，当时我也许就根本没有爱得那么深，只是仰慕她的聪慧和高贵气质罢了。不过我的自尊心当时却又妨碍了我向她求婚：我年纪轻轻，手里又有钱，而要抵挡住自在放荡的独身生活的种种诱惑又是件困难而可怕的事。当然，我也做过一些暗示。不管怎么说，我把采取任何决定性的步骤暂时推迟了。这时候我突然又奉命到外县出差了。过了两个月我回来后突然得知那女郎已经结婚。嫁给了城郊的一位富裕地主。那人虽然比我年长好几岁，但还算年轻，在京城和上层有靠山，那是我所没有的，他知书达理，而我却不学无术。听到这个出乎意料的消息，我惊得目瞪口呆，连脑子也糊涂了。主要问题在于我马上打听到这位年轻的地主早就是她的未婚夫了，我自己也多次在她家遇见过他，却什么也没有留心，我被自己的优越感迷了心窍。恰恰正是这一点使我特别难受，几乎人人都知道，而我还蒙在鼓里。What is going on?我突然感到一种难以容忍的怨恨。我面红耳赤地回想起，我几乎多次向她表白了自己的爱情，而她没有制止也没有警告，所以我得出结论：说不定她在嘲弄我。当然，后来我才想起来，她一点也没有嘲弄我的意思，相反，她曾经用开玩笑的方式打断这类谈话，扯到别的话题上——可当时我无法意识到这一点，一心一意想着要报复。现在想起来都觉得奇怪，这种报复和愤怒的心情当时连我自己都感到极其难受和厌恶，因为我生来一副软心肠，对谁也不可能有积怨，因此我好像是在故意煽动自己的情绪，结果变得十分荒唐可笑。我终于等到了一个机会。有一次在大庭广众之中突然借一个完全不相干的由头侮辱了我的“情敌”。他当时正在对一重大事件（这事发生在1826年）发表意见，我便对他的意见嘲笑了一番，据大家说，我的嘲笑显得十分巧妙机智。接着我又硬逼着他进一步作出详细解释，我在听他解释时态度又蛮横无理，以致他不得不接受我决斗的挑战，尽管我们彼此差距悬殊，相比之下我年轻幼稚，人微言轻，官卑职小。事后我才确凿地知道，他接受我的挑战似乎也出于对我的嫉妒：他以前就曾为了他的妻子（当时的未婚妻）而嫉妒我，而现在则认为，如果他妻子知道他对我的侮辱忍气吞声，没有胆量接受我决斗的挑战，那么她自然会蔑视他，她的爱情也会发生动摇。我很快找到了自己的证人，是我们团里的同事，一位中尉军官。虽然那时候对决斗严加追查，但在军人中间依然是一种时尚——粗野的偏见有时候可以达到根深蒂固的程度。那是在六月末，我们定于第二天早晨七点在郊外进行决斗——但这时候我确实遇到了一件仿佛是命中注定的事。晚上回到家里，我情绪恶劣透顶，无缘无故地对我的勤务兵阿法纳西大发脾气，用尽全身力气狠狠打了他几个巴掌，打得他血流满面。他伺候我还不久，以前我也曾经打过他几次，可从来没有这样残忍得像一头野兽似的。你们信不信，亲爱的，事情已经过去了四十年，可现在一想起来就感到惭愧和痛苦。我躺下睡了三个小时，起来一看，天已经亮了。我突然下了床，不想再睡了，走过去打开窗子——我的窗口对着花园——只见太阳正在冉冉升起，天气暖和，景色美丽，鸟儿在施展银铃般的歌喉。这是怎么回事，我心里想，我的心灵里怎么好像有一种耻辱和卑鄙的感觉？是不是因为要去杀人？不，我想，好像也不是由于这个原因。是不是因为怕死，怕被打死？不，完全不是，根本不是……我突然一下子恍然大悟：因为昨天晚上我把阿法纳西痛打了一顿！当时的情景突然重新展现在我面前，仿佛重演了一遍：他站在我面前，我扬起巴掌对着他的脸狠命打去，他像立正似的双手紧贴裤缝，头正颈直，眼睛睁着，每挨一下打便哆嗦一次，甚至不敢伸手挡住脸——人居然到了这种地步，人居然可以打人！真是作孽啊！好像有一根针穿透了我的心灵，我站在那里呆住了，但是朝阳金光灿烂，树叶在欢跳闪烁，鸟儿在赞美上帝……我用双手捂住脸，扑倒在床上，放声痛哭起来。这时候我想起了我的哥哥马尔克尔以及他临死前对仆人们说的话，“我心爱的亲人们，你们为什么伺候我？你们为什么爱我？我配得上受你们服侍吗？”是的，“我配得上吗？”这句话突然跳进我的脑海。是啊，我有什么资格要让别的跟我一模一样的人来伺候我？那时候这个问题是我有生以来第一次钻进我的脑袋。 “妈妈，我的好妈妈，每个人在众人面前真的负有罪责，只是人们不知道这一点罢了，假如知道的话，那么天堂立即就会出现！”我一面哭一面在想：天哪！难道这不是真理吗？我也许的确对众人犯有比任何人更重的罪孽，而且比世界上任何人都坏！全部的真理突然一下子清清楚楚地呈现在我面前：我这是要去干什么？我是要去杀死一个善良、聪明、高尚、丝毫没有对不起我的人，因而也永远剥夺了他妻子的幸福，使她受尽折磨后死去。我就这样趴在床上，脸埋进枕头，一点没注意到时间是怎么过去的。突然，我的同事，那位中尉，拿着手枪来找我：“很好，你已经起床了。时间到了，我们去吧。”这时候我心慌意乱，完全不知所措。但后来我们还是出门上了马车。我对他说：“你在这儿等一会儿，我去去就来。忘了带钱包。”我独自一人重新跑回家，径直冲进阿法纳西的那间小屋对他说：“阿法纳西，昨天我打了你两记耳光，请你原谅我。”他猛地一愣，仿佛非常害怕似的，盯着我看。我发现这样做还不够，很不够，就这样穿着整齐的制服，啪地跪到他脚下，额头触地，对他说：“饶恕我吧！”这时候他完全惊呆了：“长官，大人，老爷……您怎么……我配吗……”他突然放声大哭起来，就像我刚才一样，双手捂着脸，转身对着窗口，泪流满面，浑身颤抖。我转身跑到同事那儿，飞快地跳上马车，大声喊道：“走吧。你见过得胜的人吗？瞧，他就在你面前！”我心里高兴极了，一路上不停地说呀，笑呀，说呀，自己都不记得说了些什么。他盯着我看：“得了，老兄，你是好样的，我看你一定能保持军人的荣誉。”就这样我们到了约定的地点，他们已经在那里等我们了。我们俩分开站在两头，中间相隔十二步，由他先放枪——我高高兴兴地站在他面前，脸对着脸，眼睛一眨也不眨，充满爱心地望着他，我知道自己该怎么做。他放了一枪，只擦破了我一点点脸皮，擦伤了耳朵。我大喊道：“感谢上帝，没杀死人！”说完就抓起自己的手枪，往后一转身，把手枪往上一抛，扔进了树林里，随口还说了句：“去你的吧！”我转身对仇人说：“先生，请原谅我这个愚蠢的年轻人，怪我不好，我得罪了您，现在又迫使您向我开枪。我本人比您坏十倍，也许十倍也不止。请您把这些话转告给您在这世界上最敬重的那位太太。”我刚说完这句话，他们三人都叫起来。 “对不起，”我的仇人说，甚至大为恼火，“既然您不想决斗，那何必要挑衅呢？”“昨天我还很愚蠢，可今天变得聪明些了。”我快活地这样回答他。 “您所说的昨天的情况我相信，但是今天的事，我很难得出跟您相同的结论。”“说得好！”我拍手叫道。 “我同意您的看法，您骂得对！”“先生，您还想不想向我开枪？”“我不想了，要是您愿意，那就再向我开一枪，不过最好您也别再开枪。”两位证人也大声嚷嚷起来，尤其是我那位，叫得特别响：“在决斗场上求饶，简直把我们的脸都丢尽了。早知道这样我就不干了！”我站到他们面前，敛起笑容，一本正经地说：“各位先生，难道在目前这个时代遇到一个对自己愚蠢的举动表示忏悔并且当众认错的人，居然值得这样大惊小怪吗？”“但是在决斗场上绝对不能这么干。”我那位公证人又大声嚷道。我回答他们说：“问题就在这里，这才是值得奇怪的，因为我本来应该一到这里，在他开枪之前就向他道歉的，那样就不至于使他犯下滔天大罪，但是我们自己在这世界上立下了种种荒唐透顶的规矩，以致这样做简直是不可能的。因为只有在他离开十二步地方向我开枪之后我这些话对他才有分量。假如在开枪之前，刚到这里就这样做，那大家就会骂我是胆小鬼，见了手枪就吓坏了。大家绝不会听我的。先生们，”我突然真心诚意地大声说道，“请你们看看周围那些上帝的恩赐：明朗的天空，清新的空气，柔嫩的小草，可爱的小鸟，大自然美妙无邪，而我们，也只有我们这些愚蠢、不信上帝的人才不理解生活就是天堂，因为只要我们愿意理解，那么美妙的天堂就会出现在我们面前，我们会相互拥抱，放声痛哭……”我还要继续说下去，但是不行，我连气也喘不过来了，浑身充满了甜蜜的青春活力，而心里感到一种有生以来从未体验过的幸福。 “这一切显得既明智又虔诚！”我的仇人对我说。 “总之，您这个人很有个性。”“您尽管笑吧，”我也笑着对他说，“但以后您会夸我的。”他说：“就是现在我也准备夸您，请允许我把手伸给您，因为看来您确实是个诚实的人。”“不，现在不必握手，等到以后我变得好些，值得您尊敬的时候，您再把手伸给我，那就更好了。”我们打道回府，我那位公证人骂了我一路，而我却吻了他一路。同事们全都听说了这件事，当天晚上就聚在一起指责我：“他玷污了军人的荣誉，让他打辞职报告。”也有人出来为我辩护：“他毕竟经受住了子弹的考验。”“是的，但他因为害怕继续挨子弹，所以才求饶的。”为我辩护的人则反驳说：“如果他害怕继续挨子弹，那么在求饶之前自己可以先开枪，可是他把子弹上膛的手枪扔到了树林里。不，这是另一码事，是件新鲜事。”我一边听一边看着他们，心里很快活。 “各位亲爱的朋友和同事，要我辞职的事请你们别费心，因为我已经这样做了，今天早晨我已经递了辞呈，一经批准，我马上进修道院。我提出辞职就是为了这个目的。”我这么一说，大家都哈哈大笑起来：“您一开始早就该说了。好了，现在事情都弄清楚了，修士是不应该受责备的。”他们笑得前仰后合。那完全不是嘲笑，而是亲切舒畅的笑。大家突然都爱起我来，连那些指责得最厉害的人也不例外。在以后的整整一个月中，在辞呈被批准之前的那段时间，大家简直把我捧在掌心里呵护。 “啊，你这修士！”他们这样说。人人都会对我说一句亲切的话，他们开始挽留我，甚至为我感到可惜。 “你何必自讨苦吃呢？”他们说。 “不，他是个勇敢的人，他经受了许多的考验，本来他是可以还击的，但他在头天晚上做了个梦，要去当修士，所以才那么做。”同样的情形也出现在城里的社交界。以前他们对我没有特别注意，只是乐意招待罢了，现在他们听说这事以后都争先恐后邀请我去做客。他们都笑我，但又都爱我。这里我要说明一个情况，尽管我们决斗的事情闹得满城风雨，但上司把这件事瞒过去了，因为我的对手跟我们的将军是近亲，既然事情过去了，又没有流血，似乎只是开个玩笑罢了，再说我已经主动递交了辞呈，所以真的当玩笑处理了。于是我就开始无所顾忌地高谈阔论，也不管他们怎样笑我，因为他们的笑是善意的，而不是恶意的。这样的公开议论多数是在晚间太太们的圈子里进行的，她们当时更喜欢听我说，而且也逼着男人们听我说。 “怎么可以让我替大家承担罪责呢？”人人都当面笑着问我。 “比方说，难道我可以代您受过吗？”我回答他们说：“当整个世界陷入歧途，把不折不扣的谎言当成了真理，并且也要求别人一起说谎的时候，你们哪里能懂得这一点呢？你们瞧，我一生中做了一件诚实的事情，结果怎样呢，你们大家都认为我是个疯子。虽然你们都爱我，但都嘲笑我。”“像你这样的人怎么能不爱呢？”女主人笑着对我说，当时她家里聚集了许多客人。突然，我看见一位年轻的太太从人群里站了起来。她就是不久以前还被我当做未婚妻，并且为了她而提出决斗的那个人，而我没发觉她今天也来出席晚会了。她站起来走到我跟前，向我伸出手说：“请允许我向您声明，我第一个不嘲笑您，恰恰相反，我含着眼泪感谢您，并且为了您当时高尚的举动而表示敬意。”这时候她丈夫也走过来，接着大家都突然拥到我身边，几乎都要亲吻我。我高兴极了，但我特别注意到有一位上了年纪的先生向我走来。虽然以前我也知道他的名字，但从未跟他打过交道，直到那天晚会之前还没有跟他说过一句话。

他在我们城里的政府部门供职已经很久，占据着显要的位置。他广有钱财，深孚众望，乐善好施，为救济院和孤儿院捐过不少钱。此外，他做了许多善事也不留名，不声张，直到死后才被人发现。他五十岁光景，外表近乎严肃，寡言少语，结婚不超过十年，太太年纪还轻，有三个子女，都还年幼。就在第二天晚上，我正坐在自己家里，门忽然开了，这位先生走了进来。 需要说明的是，当时我已经不再住在原来的寓所里了。自从递交辞呈之后我便搬了家，向一位年迈的老妇人，一位官员的遗孀，租了房子，并由她的仆役负责照料我的起居饮食。我这次搬家完全只是因为决斗那天一回家我就把阿法纳西打发回连队去了，因为前几天我那样对待他，现在连看到他都觉得惭愧——一个缺乏修养的俗人即使做了一件合情合理的大好事也会感到惭愧的。 “我已经在不少家里怀着极大的兴趣连续好几天听过您的谈话，”那位先生一进来便对我说，“最后终于想跟您当面认识一下，以便跟您详细谈一谈。亲爱的先生，您能赏脸吗？”我说：“我十分乐意，而且感到十分荣幸。”但心里却非常害怕，因为他一开始就使我大吃一惊。虽然大家也都听我侃侃而谈，表示出浓厚的兴趣，但是谁也没有这样严肃认真、诚心诚意地对待过我，而这一位却居然亲自登门拜访。他坐定后接着说：“我看您的性格非常刚强，因为您敢于在这种容易被大家轻蔑的事情上毫无畏惧地坚持真理。”“您也许太过奖了。”我说。“不，我没有夸大其词。”他回答我说。“您要相信我，做出这样的行为比您所想象的要困难得多。正是这一点才使我感到惊讶，才使我来拜访您。假如您不嫌我多管闲事，假如您还记得的话，那么是否给我详细描述一下当初您在决斗场上下决心请求对方饶恕的那一刻的具体感受？请您不要把我提出这样的问题当作轻率的举动，相反，我提出这样的问题自有我的隐衷，如果上帝愿意使我们两人的关系进一步接近的话，那么将来我也许会向您作出解释的。” 他说话的时候，我一直凝视着他，突然对他产生了一种强烈的信任感，同时也产生了一种异乎寻常的好奇心，因为我开始感到他内心也隐藏着某种特殊的秘密。 “既然您问我在向仇人请求宽恕的那一刻究竟有什么感受，”我回答他说，“那我最好还是从头至尾讲一讲我还从未向别人讲过的事情。”于是我一五一十地把我和阿法纳西之间发生的事以及向他磕头的情形都告诉了他。最后我对他说：“从中您可以看到，决斗的时候我的心情已经比较轻松了，因为我在家里就已经开了个头，而一旦踏上了这一条路，越往后就越容易，甚至会感到轻松愉快。” 他听完后友善地看着我说：“这一切太有意思了，以后我将一次又一次地不断来拜访您。”打那以后他几乎每天晚上都到我这儿来。假如他也跟我谈谈自己的情况，那我们也许会成为至交的。可是他对自己的情况只字不提，却对我的情况问个没完没了。尽管如此，我还是很喜欢他，把我自己内心的所有感受统统跟他说了，因为我想：我何必要知道他的秘密呢？反正我已经看出他是个正直的人。况且像他这样与我年龄相差悬殊的重要人物居然屈尊登门拜访我这个年轻人，丝毫没有嫌弃我的意思这已经很不容易了。而且我向他学到了许多有益的东西，因为他有很高的才智。“关于生活就是天堂这个问题，”他突然对我说，“我早就开始考虑了。”接着又突然补充了一句：“而且我考虑的也始终是这个问题。”他脸带微笑地看着我说：“我比您更加确信这一点，至于为什么，您以后会知道的。”我听他这么一说，心里开始捉摸：“他一定是想告诉我什么事。”他说：“天堂就藏在我们每个人心里，现在我心里就藏着天堂。只要我愿意，明天它真的就会来临，而且一辈子再也不会消失。”我发现他说这些话的时候真的动了感情，还神秘地望着我，仿佛在询问我。“至于每个人除了对自己的罪行负责以外还应承担众人的所有罪行，这一点您也说得完全正确。奇怪的是您怎么能够一下子充分把握了这个思想，一旦人们明白了这个思想，那么对他们来说天国就不是在幻想中降临，而是在现实中降临，这也是千真万确的。”“这种情形什么时候能出现呢？”这时候我伤心地感叹道。“今后还能出现吗？会不会这仅仅是一种理想呢？”“您瞧，您自己就不相信。您虽然宣扬这种思想，可自己却不相信。您应该知道，您所说的这种理想一定会实现，但不是现在，因为任何事情都有自己的规律。这是属于心灵方面，属于心理方面的事情。要让世界旧貌变新颜，首先就应该使人们自己在心理上改弦易辙。在人们互相没有成为兄弟之前，四海之内皆兄弟的局面是不会出现的，无论凭借什么科学，无论给予什么利益，人们永远不会心平气和地共同分享自己的财产和权利。人人都会嫌少，人人都会不断地抱怨、嫉妒并且互相残杀。您问我这种情形什么时候才能出现，出现是肯定会出现的，但首先必须经历一个人类孤立时期。”“这是一种什么样的孤立？”我问他。“就是现在到处占统治地位的那种，在我们这个世纪尤其突出，但是这个阶段尚未完全结束，它的末日尚未来临。因为目前每个人都在争取最大限度地远离别人，想在自己内心体验生命的充实完整，然而经过一番努力之后，最终得到的不是生命的充实完整，反而走向了完全的四分五裂。因为人们未能充分肯定自身，反而陷入了完全的孤立。因为我们这个世纪的人全都分散成了个体，人人都龟缩在自己的洞穴中，人人都在疏远别人，躲藏起来，把自己拥有的东西都隐匿起来，结果即使自己与人们隔离开来，同时又把别人从自己身边推开。他独自一人在那儿积聚财富，心里在想：现在我多么强大，多么有保障。可这疯子却不知道，财富聚敛得越多，他在孤立无援的自我毁灭的泥坑里陷得就越深。因为他已经习惯于把希望仅仅寄托在自己一个人身上，个人已经离开了整体，他使灵魂习惯于不相信他人的帮助，既不相信个人也不相信整个人类，只是提心吊胆地害怕失去钱财和已经得到的权力。如今人类的智慧开始普遍地令人可笑地不再理解，一个人真正的安全不在于他个人独自的努力，而在于人类普遍的完整一致。但是这种可怕的孤立总有一天会结束，大家最后会突然醒悟过来，意识到分离是一件多么不自然的事。一旦形成这样的社会风气，人们将会对自己长期处于黑暗不见光明而感到惊讶。那时候人子耶稣的旗帜也会在天空出现……但在此之前还是应该珍惜这面旗帜，哪怕单枪匹马地突然作出榜样，把灵魂从独处引向合群，哪怕这样做要承担疯子的恶名。这样做的目的是要使这伟大的思想不至于消亡……” 我们两人就在这种慷慨激昂的交谈中度过了一个又一个夜晚。我甚至放弃了社交，很少外出访友，另外，议论我的那股时髦风气也开始平息。我说这些并没有责备的意思，因为大家依然喜欢我，欢迎我。不过毕竟要承认，时髦风气在社交界确实是股不小的能起主宰作用的力量。对于这位神秘的来访者，最后我竟崇拜得五体投地，因为除了欣赏他非凡的智慧，我开始预感到他心中隐藏着某种意图，也许准备干一番轰轰烈烈的伟业。我表面上对他的秘密丝毫没有流露出好奇，无论是直截了当还是旁敲侧击，我都没有问起过，也许他对此感到高兴。但我注意到，到最后连他自己也迫不及待地想向我透露某种秘密。至少在他开始造访我大约一个月之后，这种心情已经变得十分明显了。“您知道吗，”有一次他问我，“城里的人们对我们俩感到十分好奇，并且对我经常拜访您感到奇怪，但是随他们去吧，因为一切都将很快水落石出了。”有时候他会突然激动异常，遇到这种情况，他几乎总要马上站起来回家的。有时候他会长时间地望着我，仿佛要一眼把我看透似的——于是我心里想：“他马上要说什么了。”可是他又突然改变主意，开始说些人所皆知的寻常事。他还常常抱怨他有头疼毛病。不过有一次，他慷慨激昂地说了一大通之后，我出乎意料地发现他脸色发白，面部肌肉在抽搐，而眼睛直愣愣地望着我。 “您怎么啦？”我问他。“身体不舒服吗？” 以前他经常说他有头疼的毛病。 “我……您知道吗……我……杀过人。” 说完他笑了，可脸色苍白如纸。他为什么要笑？在我还没弄明白是怎么回事之前，这个想法一下子钻进了我的脑子里。我的脸也发白了。 “你说什么？”我对他高喊。 “您知道吗，”他依然面无人色地笑着对我说，“我开这个口是多么不容易，现在我说了，也就是踏上了这条路，我还要继续往前走。” 我很久都无法相信他的话，后来也不是一下子就相信的，直到他连续三天到我这里把事情详详细细告诉我之后才相信的。起初我还以为他是疯了，后来才终于相信这是事实，但内心显然感到极度的悲伤和惊讶。他犯了一件令人毛骨悚然的血案。十四年前，他杀死了一位年轻漂亮的太太，她是个守寡的女地主，广有财产，在我们城里就有她的一幢私宅，她进城的时候就住在那里。他深深地爱上了她，向她表白了自己的爱慕之心，并且向她求婚。但是她的心已经另有所属，她所爱的是一位出身高贵、地位显赫的军官。当时那军官正在远征，她期待着他不久就会回到她身边。她拒绝了他的求婚，并且请求他不要再到她家来。从此他不再去找她，但是他熟悉她家，有一天夜里他冒着被发觉的危险，胆大包天地从花园爬上屋顶，偷偷溜了进去。正如经常发生的那样，凡是铤而走险犯下的罪行反而容易得逞。他从天窗爬进阁楼，又顺着阁楼的梯子来到下面她居住的房间里，因为他知道梯子下面那扇门由于仆人疏忽往往不上锁。他指望这一次仆人也忘了上锁，恰巧他就遇上了这种情况。他溜进主人的正房，摸着黑闯进了她那间亮着神灯的卧室。说来也是凑巧，她的两名侍女没有向主人禀报便偷偷溜出去参加本街邻居家的命名日宴会了。其余的男女仆人则睡在楼下的下房和厨房里。他一见熟睡的意中人，不由得欲火中烧，接着，一股渴望报复的嫉恨又牢牢占据了他的心。他像喝醉了酒似的完全失去了理智，上前用匕首猛刺她的心窝，她连叫都没来得及叫一声就死了。然后他又狡猾地伪造现场，企图嫁祸于仆人，故