Chapter 8 Volume Two Pros and Cons

Madame Hohlakov was again the first to come out to meet Alyosha.She was in great distress because of a serious situation: Katerina Ivanovna fainted hysterically, followed by "very terrible symptoms of weakness, and she lay there with her eyes closed and began to talk nonsense. Now that I have a high fever, Dr. Herzenstube has been sent for, as well as the two aunts. The two aunts have arrived, but Herzenstube has not yet arrived. Everyone sits in her Waiting in the room. She's in a coma. Just afraid of something. It'd be bad if I got a fever"! When Mrs. Hohlakova yelled like this, she seemed very panicked, adding at the end of every sentence: "It's very serious, very serious!" As if she had never encountered anything serious before .Alyosha listened to her with a sad face, and was about to tell her about his adventures, but she interrupted him shortly: she didn't care about his introduction, and she invited him to sit in Lisa's room for a while. , wait for her at Lisa's.

"Liza, dear Alexei Fyodorovitch," she whispered almost in Alyosha's ear, "Liza surprised and touched me just now, so I feel something about her." Don't even think about it. Just think about it, as soon as you left, she regretted it sincerely, and said she shouldn't have laughed at you yesterday and today. She didn't laugh at you in fact, she was only joking. But she regretted it seriously , almost didn't cry, which surprised me. She used to laugh at me a lot, but never really regretted it, and always pretended to be joking. You know, she always made fun of me. But this time she I'm really sorry, this time it's serious. She respects your opinion very much, Alexey Fyodorovich, if you can, please don't be angry with her, please forgive me. I always Pity her, because she's a very bright child - believe it or not? She said just now that you were her childhood friend - 'my childhood best friend'. Come to think of it, you were the best friend, What about me? In this regard, her very real feelings, even her memories of the past, especially these words, these unexpected words, which no one would have thought of, can come out suddenly. For example, the other day about the pine tree That’s exactly what she said. When she was very young, there used to be a pine tree in our garden, maybe it’s still there now, so it’s needless to say the original. Pine trees are different from people, and they won’t change for a long time , Alexei Fyodorovitch. She said: 'Mother, I remember this pine tree like in a dream!' - Oh, yes, she said, 'I saw the old pine tree with sleepy eyes' - no Well, that's not what she said, it's a mouthful. Pine is a common word, but she said something so elegant that I couldn't learn it, and I forgot it. Well, good-bye. I'm sorry Excited, almost going mad. Well, Alexey Fyodorovich, I've gone mad twice in my life, and each time I've had a cure. Go to Liza. You'll cheer her up , you are very good at this. Liza," she called, going to the door, "I brought you Alexey Fyodorovitch, whom you bullied, but I tell you, He is not angry at all, on the contrary, he is surprised that you think so!"

"Thank you, mother, come in, Alexey Fyodorovitch." Alyosha went in.Lisa gave him an embarrassed look and suddenly flushed.She really felt a little ashamed, and, as people usually do on such occasions, immediately began to talk about irrelevant things, as if they were the only things that interested her at the moment. "Alexey Fyodorovitch, mother just told me about the two hundred rubles and the entrusting you ... to the poor officer ... and all about his humiliation. , even though my mother talked incoherently and incoherently... But I was still in tears. What happened? What happened? Did you give him the money? How is the poor man now? . . . "

"The problem was that he didn't take it, and it's a long story," replied Alyosha, who seemed to have been thinking about the money all the time.But Lisa could clearly see that he was looking away, obviously trying to say something as irrelevant as possible.After Alyosha sat down at the table, he began to introduce in detail.But after saying a few words, she no longer felt constrained at all, and Lisa listened attentively.Alyosha was still under the impact of strong emotions and the deep impression just now, so his narration was vivid and orderly.When he used to live in Moscow, when Lisa was still young, he liked to come to her house. Sometimes he would tell her what happened to him, sometimes he would tell her what he had read in a book, and sometimes he would recall their childhood. In life, sometimes the two even fantasize together, making up stories about two people together.Of course, most of them are happy and funny stories.Now the two of them seemed to have suddenly returned to the past, to the time when they lived in Moscow two years ago.Lisa was greatly moved by his narrative.Alyosha described to him the image of Ilyusha with great emotion.When he finally related in detail the scene where the poor officer trampled on the banknotes, Lisa, unable to restrain her inner excitement, clapped her hands together and exclaimed:

"So you didn't give him the money! You watched him run away! My God, you should at least follow him and catch up to..." "No, Lisa, I was right in not chasing him, it's better that way," Alyosha said, getting up from his chair, and walking around the room worriedly. "Why better? Better what? Now they have nothing to eat and will starve to death!" "They won't starve, because they'll get the two hundred rubles sooner or later. Anyway, he'll take it tomorrow. Tomorrow he will take it," said Alyosha, walking up and down thoughtfully. "Did you know, Lisa?" He stopped suddenly in front of her. "I made a mistake myself, but the mistake will lead to good results."

"What kind of error? Why did it lead to a good result?" "The thing is, the man was timid and cowardly. He was cornered, but he was very kind. I'm thinking now: Why did he suddenly get angry and stomp on the money? Let me tell you, because until the end It never occurred to him for a moment to trample on the money. But I feel that many things made him angry... In his position, he couldn't help being angry... First of all, he looked happy in front of me when he saw the money Ruokang, he didn't hide anything from me, which already made him angry. If he was just happy but didn't look too much, or didn't show it, just like other people taking money and pretending to be embarrassed at the same time, then he would say It might be hard to bear it, but it was embarrassing that his cheerfulness was so obvious. Well, Lisa, he was an honest and kind man, and his character became his misfortune in such a situation. The whole root of it! When he spoke just now, his voice had been very soft and weak, but he spoke very quickly, and there was a slight laugh, or a whimper... Yes, he cried... He was so excited... Talked about his two daughters...talked about someone offering him a job in another city...he just poured out what was on his mind and suddenly felt ashamed for revealing it and that's why he hates me now He is the kind of poor man who is afraid of losing face. The most embarrassing thing for him is that he immediately regarded me as a friend and immediately surrendered to me. He was still angry at me and threatened me just now, but when he saw me The money started embracing me again. He really hugged me and kept touching me with his hands. Because of this, he felt ashamed, and it just so happened that I made a mistake, a very serious one: I suddenly He said that if it was not enough for him to move to another city, he would give it to him, and even I would give him my own money, as much as I wanted. It was this sentence that surprised him: why should I Volunteering to help him? Did you know, Lisa, that the hardest thing for a man who has been insulted is putting on a kind face... I've heard that, the elders have told me about it. I don't know How to describe it, but I have seen it often myself. And I have experienced it myself. The main thing is that he did not expect to trample on the money until the last moment, but he had this feeling after all, there is no doubt about it. Because he had a premonition, he was so ecstatic... Although the result of this matter is bad, it can still develop in a good direction. I even thought, this is the best, nothing better..."

"Why? Why is there nothing better?" Liza asked aloud, looking at Alyosha in amazement. "Lisa, because if he takes the money instead of trampling it, he'll be weeping at the disgrace in an hour's time when he gets home. , maybe he will come to me at dawn tomorrow, maybe he will throw the money in front of me, and step on it like he did just now. Now he goes back with a lot of pride and satisfaction, although he knows It is a loss to him. Now, no later than tomorrow, it may be the easiest thing for you to let him accept the two hundred rubles, because he has already shown his human dignity, thrown away the money, trampled on it... …he could not have trampled on the money knowing that it would come to him the next day. But he needed it so badly. As proud as he is now, even today he would think he had lost a fortune What a valuable aid. At night his thoughts will be stronger, he will even dream of them, and he will probably come to me in the morning to ask forgiveness. I happened to appear before him at that time: 'You are a Man of backbone, you have proved it, now take it, forgive us.' He will take it at once!"

Alyosha was very pleased when he said, "He'll take it right away," and Lisa applauded. "Oh, you're right, oh, I understand now! Oh, Alyosha, how do you know all these things? You have read people's minds at such a young age... I couldn't think of it anyway... ..." "The main thing now is to convince him that, although he has taken our money, he is equal to all of us," continued Alyosha, rather complacently. "Not only equal, but also a head taller than us..." "'Head taller,' Alexey Fyodorovitch, that's very well said. Go on, go on!"

"'Ahead' . . . I didn't say that quite rightly, but that's all right, because . . . " "Oh, nothing, nothing, of course nothing! Excuse me, Alyosha, my dear . . . "You know, before this I hardly respected you... Oh, no, respect is respect, but from the perspective of equality, now I have to respect you from the perspective of your superiority... Dear, please Don't be surprised, I speak sharply!" She immediately took up the conversation excitedly. "I'm a ridiculous boy, and you, you ... listen to me, Alexei Fyodorovitch, we talk about him like that, oh no, you talk about him like that... no, it's better that we talk about him like that , talking about this unfortunate man, is it a bit contemptuous of him... Is it a bit condescending when we analyze his mind in this way now, huh? Now we are so sure that he will accept the money, isn't it a bit Look down on him, huh?"

"No, Lisa, I didn't despise him." Alyosha answered firmly, as if he had already thought about the question. "I thought about it myself when I came here. Think about it, how can we look down on him when we are all like him? You know we are like him, and we can't be better. If we are better than him Well, that's only because of being able to put yourself in his shoes... I don't know what you think, Lisa, but I really think my soul is mean in many ways, but his is not small, quite the contrary , very sublime... No, Lisa, there is no contempt for him in doing this! Do you know? Lisa, my elder once said this: Treat people like children, and some people more like Like serving patients in a hospital..."

"Ah, Alexey Fyodorovitch, oh, dear, let us treat people like sick people!" "Okay, Lisa, I'm ready to do it, but I'm not ready enough. Sometimes I'm very impatient, and sometimes I'm short-sighted. But you're different." "Oh, I don't believe it! Alexey Fyodorovitch, how happy I am!" "It's very nice of you to say that, Lisa." "Aleksey Fyodorovitch, you are very kind, but sometimes you are a little bookish... But on closer inspection, you are not bookish at all. Please go to the door and take a look, open it gently, and look Is mom over there eavesdropping?" Lisa suddenly whispered in a nervous and hasty tone. Alyosha went to open the door a little, looked in, and told her that no one was listening. "Come here, Alexei Fyodorovitch," continued Liza, blushing more and more. "Give me your hand, yes, that's all. Listen, I must confess to you that I wrote you yesterday not as a joke, but as a matter of fact..." She covered her eyes with her hands.Evidently, she was embarrassed to admit this.Suddenly, she grabbed his hand and kissed it three times quickly. "Oh, Lisa, that's wonderful!" cried Alyosha joyfully. "I am absolutely convinced that your letter is serious." "I still believe it, thank you for being able to say it!" Suddenly, she pushed his hand away, but she didn't let go completely, her face was flushed, and she let out a soft laugh of happiness. "I kissed his hand and he said 'that's great.'" But she had no reason to blame him.Alyosha was also extremely flustered. "I wish I could always be in your favor, Lisa, but I don't know how," he murmured, blushing too. "Alyosha, my dear, your heart is so cold and cruel. You see, you have chosen me to be your wife, and you can rest easy! Just believe that I mean what I write. What is this cruelty?" "Is there anything wrong with my firm belief?" Alyosha suddenly laughed. "Oh, Alyosha, on the contrary, it's wonderful." Liza looked at him tenderly with happiness.Alyosha stood there and never took his hand from hers.Suddenly, he leaned over and kissed her lips. "What's the matter? What's the matter with you?" cried Lisa.Alyosha was completely bewildered. "Then please forgive me for taking the liberty... Maybe I was too stupid... You said I was cold, and I kissed you... It seems stupid to do it..." Lisa smiled and covered her face with her hands. "Doing something like this in this suit!" she said with a smile, but suddenly stopped laughing and became serious, even a little stern. "Alyosha, let's kiss later, because neither of us knows how to do such a thing, and we have to wait a long time." Suddenly, she stopped. "Better tell me why you, who are so clever, so clever, and so discerning, want me to be such a fool, a sick little fool? Ah, Alyosha, I am so happy, I am not worthy of you at all! " "Well deserved, Lisa. In a few days I will leave the monastery completely. I must get married after I disobey, I know that, and the elder ordered me to do so. Can I marry someone better than you?  … Who else would marry me but you? I have considered this matter carefully. First, you have known me since childhood. Second, you have many abilities that I do not possess. Your personality is more cheerful than mine, and the main You are purer than I am, and I have defiled so many beautiful things... Well, you know that I am also a member of the Karamazov family! As for your love of laughing, of making jokes, of laughing at me, it doesn't matter, right? On the contrary, laugh at me, I like it...you laugh like a little girl, but think like a martyr at heart..." "Like a martyr? What's the matter?" "Yes, Lisa, just now you asked whether we were looking down on that unfortunate man when we dissected his soul in this way—that's the question that martyrs ask... You see, I can't explain it for sure, but , anyone who thinks about these problems often feels pain themselves. You have been sitting in a wheelchair, and you must have thought about many problems..." "Alyosha, give me your hand, why do you take it back?" Lisa said in a voice that was feeble and feeble. "I ask you, Alyosha, what will you wear when you leave the monastery? What style? It is very, very important to me that you don't laugh or get angry." "What to wear, Lisa, I haven't thought about it yet, but I'll wear whatever you want me to wear." "I want you to wear a dark blue velvet jacket, a white serge waistcoat, and a gray velvet hat... Tell me, did you really believe that I didn't love you when I denied yesterday's letter?" "No, I don't believe it." "Oh, I can't stand you, you're hopeless!" "Look, I knew you... seemed to love me, but I pretended to believe you didn't, to make you... feel comfortable..." "It's worse! It's the worst, it's the best. Alyosha, I love you very, very much. I was thinking when you came in just now: I asked him to return yesterday's letter. Take it out and return it to me (as he probably will), it means he doesn't love me at all, he has no feeling at all, he's just a stupid worthless child, and I'm done. But you left the letter in In the monastery, this encouraged me: you had a premonition that I would ask you for it, so you left the letter in the monastery and did not intend to return it to me, is it true? Is it so? It is so, is it not?" "Oh, Lisa, that's not the case at all. The letter is with me now, it was with me just now, in this pocket, here it is." Alyosha smiled and took out the letter and showed it to her from a distance. "But I won't return it to you. If you want to see it, let me hold it in your hand." "What? So you were lying just now, but you monk also lied?" "Perhaps I lied," Alyosha laughed too. "I lied because I didn't want to return the letter to you. This letter is very precious to me," he added suddenly and passionately, blushing again. . "This is a permanent memorial, and I will never give it to anyone!" Lisa looked at him overjoyed. "Alyosha," she called him again quietly, "go to the door and see if mother is eavesdropping?" "Okay, Lisa, I'll go and see. But it's better not to, eh? Why suspect your mother of such vile things?" "How is it despicable? Where is the despicableness? It is her right to eavesdrop on her daughter, there is nothing despicable." Lisa's face flushed. "You know, Alexey Fyodorovitch, when I'm a mother myself, and have a daughter like myself, I'm sure I'll eavesdrop on her too." "Really, Lisa? This is not good." "Oh my God, what's the meanness of that? If it was a normal social conversation and I eavesdropped on it, it would be mean, and now my own daughter is locked up in a room with a young lad... Listen to me Say, Alyosha, you should know that as soon as we get married, I will keep an eye on you, and I will tell you that I will open all your letters... You must be prepared for this..." "Of course, if..." Alyosha faltered, "but it's not very good..." "Oh, how noble! Alyosha, let's not quarrel at the beginning, I'd better tell you the whole truth, of course eavesdropping is a very bad thing, of course I'm wrong, you're right , but I still want to eavesdrop." "Then eavesdrop. Anyway, you won't find out what I have to hide." Alyosha laughed. "Alyosha, will you obey me in the future? This matter must also be discussed in advance." "Very willingly, Lisa, I will, but not on the most important points. If you disagree with me on the most important points, I will still do what my duty requires." "It should be so. But let me tell you, I am on the contrary. I am ready to obey you not only on important issues, but on all issues. I swear to you now that I will listen to you all my life, no matter how big or small it is." Yes." Lisa exclaimed excitedly. "I will be happy in doing so, great happiness! Not only that, but I assure you that I will never overhear you, not once, never, and never read your letter, ever." Neither will Feng, because you are right and I am wrong. Although I will want to eavesdrop on your conversation very much in the future, which I know in my heart, I will not eavesdrop because you think it is not a noble act. Now you are my god... I ask you, Alexey Fyodorovitch, why you have been so sad these days, yesterday and today. I know you have many troubles, many misfortunes, but I can see that besides these you have a special kind of sadness, perhaps an unspeakable one, eh?" "Yes, Lisa, it's hard to tell," said Alyosha darkly. "Since you guessed it, it means you love me." "What is sad? Why sad? Can you tell me?" Lisa begged timidly. "I'll tell you later, Liza... later..." Alyosha said sheepishly. "Perhaps you won't understand it now, and perhaps I won't understand it myself." "I know, your two brothers, your father bothers you, right?" "Yes, and two older brothers," said Alyosha, seeming to be worried. "Alyosha, I don't like your second brother Ivan Fyodorovitch," Liza said suddenly. Alyosha was a little surprised at this statement, but did not show it. "They're doing themselves a disservice," he continued. "So did my father. They killed themselves and others. It was the instinct of the Karamazov family, as Father Baisi said, a primitive, mad, savage instinct... I don't know." Is this instinct controlled by the gods? I only know that I am also a member of the Karamazov family... I am a monk, am I a monk? Am I a monk, Lisa? Didn’t you just say that I am a monk? " "Yes, I did." "But maybe I don't even believe in God." "You don't believe in God? What's the matter with you?" Lisa asked softly and cautiously.But Alyosha made no answer.In this sudden sentence, there was something too mysterious, too subjective, which perhaps he didn't know very well, but which undoubtedly tormented him. "Aside from all that, now one of my dearest friends, the best man in the world, is leaving us, the world. You know, Lisa, you know how much I feel for this man, how much Harmony! I'm alone now... I'll come to you, Lisa... from now on we'll be together..." "Yes, together, together! From now on, forever and ever. Listen to me, give me a kiss, and I will allow you." Alyosha kissed her. "Well, go now, and may Jesus bless you (she crossed herself). Come to him while he's still alive. I think I've kept you too long. He prayed, and he prayed for you. Alyosha, we shall be happy! We shall be happy, shall we not?" "Looks like it is, Lisa." Alyosha came out of Lisa's room. He did not want to see Mrs. Hohlakov, and was going to leave her house without saying goodbye.But as soon as he opened the door and reached the landing, Mrs. Hohlakova came out of nowhere and stood before him suddenly.As soon as she opened her mouth Alyosha guessed that she was waiting here on purpose. "Aleksei Fyodorovitch, this is terrible, it's all childish play, all nonsense. I hope you don't think about it... stupid, stupid, stupid!" she shouted at him all at once. "Just please don't say such things to her," said Alyosha, "or she will get excited, and it will be bad for her health." "That's the wise speech of a reasonable young man. Is it not understandable that you agree with her simply out of pity for her illness and not wanting to offend her by refusing her?" "No, not at all, what I told her was completely serious." Alyosha declared firmly. "It is impossible to be serious, and it is hard to imagine. First, I will never receive you again from now on, and second, I will leave here and take her away, and you must understand that." "Why bother," said Alyosha. "It's not something that's right in front of us, maybe we'll have to wait a year and a half." "Oh, Alexey Fyodorovitch, that's true, you'll quarrel a thousand times in a year and a half, and you'll end up breaking up. But how unfortunate I am, how unfortunate! It's a child's play, but it still makes me very sad. Now I seem to end up as Famusov, you are Chatsky, she is Sophia, and you think I have come to meet you on the stairs, you know, All the unlucky things in that play happened on the stairs. I heard it all, and I almost fainted. All the horrible things that happened last night and the original hysterical fits can now be explained! The daughter has love However, my mother died and could only lie in a coffin. Now let’s talk about the second and most important thing, what happened to the letter she wrote to you? Show me right away, right away!" "No, that's unnecessary. How is Katerina Ivanovna? ​​I should like to know." "Still lying there, talking nonsense, unconscious. Her two aunts have come, and they just moan and put on airs. Herzenstube is paralyzed with fright, and I don't know what to do." What to do with him, how to save him, I even wanted to ask other doctors to come and show him. In the end, I sent him away in my carriage. These things have not been dealt with yet, and this letter suddenly appeared here from you Of course, this is a year and a half later. For the sake of your dying elder, Alexey Fyodorovich, please show me this letter , show me this mother! If you like, take the letter in your hand, and I will read it from your hand." "No, I can't show you. Katerina Osipovna, I can't show you even if she agrees. I'll come back tomorrow, if you like, and we'll talk about it in detail, and now I want Let's go, goodbye!" Alyosha ran down the stairs and into the street. He really doesn't have time.While he was still saying goodbye to Lisa, a thought flashed through his mind: how to catch Dmitry's brother Dmitry, who was obviously avoiding him, as quickly as possible in the most skilful way?It's getting late, it's past two o'clock in the afternoon.Alyosha wanted to get back to the monastery as soon as possible, to the "great" elder who was dying, but the desire to see his brother Dmitri overwhelmed him.Alyosha became more and more convinced that a terrible disaster was bound to happen.As for what kind of disaster it was, what exactly he wanted to say to his brother at this moment, perhaps even he himself was not sure. "Even if my benefactor dies while I'm not around him, at least in the future I won't spend my whole life blaming myself for being eager to go back and not saving when I could. I'm doing this now in accordance with his instructions..." His plan was to catch his elder brother Dmitri by surprise. The specific plan was to climb over the fence, enter the garden, and stay in the gazebo as he had done yesterday. "If he hadn't been there," thought Alyosha, "then there would be no need to tell Foma and the landlady that he was lying in wait in the arbor until dark. If he kept watching Grushin as secretly as before Ka's whereabouts, then he will probably go to the gazebo..." However, Alyosha did not think too much about the details of the plan, but he was determined to realize this plan even if he could not return to the monastery today... Things were going very well: he climbed over the fence and sneaked into the arbor almost in the same place as yesterday.He did not wish to be discovered, since both the landlady and Foma (if he had been there) would probably side with his brother and obey his orders not to let Alyosha into the garden, or to give his brother word in advance that someone was looking for him. he.The arbor was empty.Alyosha took the same place as yesterday and began to wait.He looked at the gazebo. For some reason, he now felt that it was more dilapidated than yesterday, and it was simply unsightly.But the weather was as clear as yesterday.On the green table there were circles of stains, probably from yesterday's glass of brandy that spilled over.All kinds of irrelevant and boring thoughts came into his head one after another, just like what often happens in boring waiting, for example, why did he sit in the exact seat he sat in yesterday when he came?Why didn't you sit somewhere else?At last he became very sad, worried and worried because he didn't know what was going to happen, but he hadn't been sitting for a quarter of an hour when he heard someone playing a guitar nearby.The man was sitting in the bushes about twenty paces away from him, not far away, perhaps the man had just sat down.Alyosha suddenly remembered that when he came out of the arbor after leaving his brother the previous day, he had seen a low green garden bench in the woods to the left of the fence, or rather it had passed before his eyes.It seemed that the man was sitting on that bench now.Who is it?A man's voice suddenly sang a sweet little song, and he played the guitar to accompany himself: The singing stopped.It was a manservant's high note, a manservant's voice.Then, another voice, a woman's voice, said delicately, timidly, but very artificially: "Why haven't you been with us for so long, Pavel Fyodorovitch, and why do you always look down on us?" "Nothing," the man's voice replied, although very polite, but one could hear it with an unambiguous dignity.Obviously, the man has the upper hand, and the woman is flattering him. "This man seems to be Smerdyakov," thought Alyosha, "at least he sounds like him. The woman is probably the daughter of the mistress of the house, who came back from Moscow in a long dress. skirt, the one who used to fetch soup from Marfa Ignatyevna's..." "I really like all kinds of poetry, as long as they rhyme," the woman's voice continued. "Why don't you go on singing?" The man's voice sang again: "You sang even better last time," said the woman's voice. "When you sang to the Tsar's throne you sang: 'Peace be with my heart.' That sounds softer. You probably forgot today. " "Poetry is all nonsense," Smerdyakov interrupted rudely. "Oh no, I'm very fond of poetry." "Poetry, it's total nonsense. Think for yourself, is there anyone in the world who rhymes? If we all rhyme, even if we are ordered by our superiors, how much can we talk? Poetry is not serious That's it, Maria Kondratyevna." "Why are you so smart and proficient in everything?" The woman's voice became more and more gentle. "If I hadn't lived a hard life since I was a child, my skills are more than this, and I know more than these things. Some people say that I have no father, that I was raised by a stinky woman, and that I am a filth. I really want to challenge him to a duel, with a pistol Kill him. That's what they called me on the nose in Moscow. Grigory Vasilyevich spread it from here. Grigory Vasilyevich reproaches I stayed in my mother's belly and refused to come out. He said, "You broke your mother's womb!" Some people in the market said that even your mother talked to me unceremoniously. My mother's hair is messy and she is only a little over two Russian feet. More 'a little'? She made it mean. It's country people's meat, country people's feelings. Can Russian country people have more feelings than educated people? They have no knowledge ，不可能有什么感情。我从小一听到'一点点儿'就气得要往墙上一头撞死。我憎恨整个俄罗斯，玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜。” “要是您当了陆军士官或者神气的骠骑兵，您就不会说这个话了，到那时候您会拔出剑来保卫整个俄罗斯了。” “我不想当什么军官，玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜，恰恰相反，我想取消所有军队。” “要是敌人来了，那谁来保护我们呢？” “根本用不着保护。1812年的时候法国皇帝拿破仑一世，就是现在当政的那个皇帝的父亲，大举进攻俄罗斯，要是那些法国人把我们征服了，那才好呢：聪明的民族吞并一个非常愚蠢的民族。那就完全是另外一种局面了。” “他们在国内难道比我们的人好些吗？哪怕用三个英国年轻小伙子来换我们一个美男子我也不干。”玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜嗲声嗲气地说，大概一面说一面还在做媚眼。 “各有所爱嘛。” “您自己就像外国人，说句不怕丢人的话，您完全像个高贵的外国人。” “要是您想知道的话，那我告诉您，外国人跟我们俄国人一样淫荡，大家都是骗子，不同的只是外国人穿着油光锃亮的皮鞋，而我们那些混蛋穷得浑身发臭，而且还满不在乎。俄国人理该挨揍，昨天费奥多尔·巴夫洛维奇说得很对，虽然他们爷儿几个都是疯子。” “您自己说过，您很尊敬伊凡·费奥多罗维奇。” “可他们把我当成臭仆人。他们认为我会起来造反的。可他们错了。假如我口袋里有一笔钱，我早就不在这里了。德米特里·费奥多罗维奇的行为、智力都不如任何一名仆人，也比他们穷，他什么也不会干，可是却受到大家尊敬。我虽然只会做肉冻，但是只要运气好，就可以在莫斯科彼得罗夫大街开一家咖啡馆兼营餐馆，因为我能做特色菜，可是在莫斯科，除了外国人谁也不会做这样的特色菜。德米特里·费奥多罗维奇是个穷光蛋，不过如果他提出要跟一位最高贵的伯爵少爷决斗，那少爷肯定会跟他决斗的。可是他究竟比我好在哪里呢？好就好在他笨得不能和我相比。他白白糟蹋了不知多少钱。” “我想，决斗是挺有趣的。” “怎么有趣？” “又可怕又勇敢，特别是如果两个年轻军官为了争夺一个女人，举起手枪互相射击的场面，那简直精彩极了。唉，要是允许姑娘们观看就好了，我真想去看一看。” “你自己瞄准别人的时候当然感觉很好，可是别人把枪口对准你脑袋的时候你就会觉得这太愚蠢了。您会拔腿逃走的，玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜。” “难道说您也会逃走吗？” 斯梅尔佳科夫没有搭理她。沉默片刻后，又响起了吉他的声音，男高音唱起最后一段歌词： 这时候发生了一件意外的事情：阿廖沙突然打了个喷嚏。坐在长椅上的那两个人一下子安静下来。阿廖沙站起来，朝那个方向走去。那人果然是斯梅尔佳科夫，衣服穿得整整齐齐，头发上抹了油，似乎还烫卷过，皮鞋擦得锃亮。吉他放在长椅上。那女的就是女主人的女儿玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜。她穿着淡蓝色的连衣裙，裙裾足有两俄尺。这姑娘年纪还很轻，长得不算难看，一张圆圆的脸，雀斑多得吓人。 “德米特里哥哥快回来了吧？”阿廖沙尽量装得若无其事地说。 斯梅尔佳科夫慢慢地从长椅上站起来，玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜也欠身起来。 “我怎么会知道德米特里·费奥多罗维奇的事情呢？假如我是他的保镖，那就另外一回事了。”斯梅尔佳科夫用一种平静而轻蔑的口气一字一顿地回答。 “我只是问一声，您知不知道。”阿廖沙解释道。 “我根本不知道他在哪里，我也不想知道。” “可是哥哥恰恰对我说，家里发生的所有事情都是您告诉他的，您还答应等到阿格拉费娜·亚历山德罗芙娜来了就通知他。” 斯梅尔佳科夫不动声色地慢慢抬起眼睛看着他。 “您刚才是怎么进来的？这里的大门一个小时之前就已经上锁了。”他问，目不转睛地望着阿廖沙。 “我是从胡同里翻过围墙直接到凉亭里的。我希望您能原谅我。”他对玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜说。“我必须尽快找到哥哥。” “唉呀，我们哪能生您的气呢。”玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜拉长了声音说。阿廖沙的道歉使她的自尊心得到了满足。“德米特里·费奥多罗维奇也经常用这种方式到凉亭里来。我们一点儿都没发觉，可他已经坐在凉亭里了。” “现在我急于要找他，我急于见到他或者从您这儿知道他现在在哪里。请相信我，有一件对他非常重要的事情。” “他没告诉我们。”玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜嗫嚅说。 “我是到这儿来串门的。”斯梅尔佳科夫又开始说道。“可他倒好，到这里不近人情地再三盘问我老爷的事情：他怎么啦？谁来了？谁走了？能不能告诉我关于他的什么别的消息？有两次甚至用死来威胁我。” “怎么用死来威胁？”阿廖沙感到奇怪。 “对他来说这能算一回事吗？他就是那脾气，这您昨天都亲眼看见了。他说，要是我把阿格拉费娜·亚历山德罗芙娜放进来，让她在这里过夜，那首先要我的命。我怕他，非常怕他，要不是怕他报复，我早就到官府去告他了。天知道会闹出什么乱子来。” “前几天还对他说：'我要把你放在石臼里捣成粉。'”玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜帮腔说。 “放在石臼里捣成粉这句话，也许他是随口说说罢了……”阿廖沙说。“假如我现在能见到他，我也可以跟他谈谈这件事……” “我唯一能告诉您的是，”斯梅尔佳科夫好像突然拿定了主意似的说道，“我常常到这里来，因为我们是邻居，一直很熟悉，我能不来吗？另外，今天天刚亮伊凡·费奥多罗维奇就派我到湖滨路德米特里·费奥多罗维奇的住处，没有带信给他，只是口头请他一定要到广场的那家酒馆一起吃午饭。我去了，可德米特里·费奥多罗维奇不在家，那时候已经八点了。房东说：'他刚才还在，现在出去了。'他们事先好像串通好了。说不定现在正和他弟弟伊凡·费奥多罗维奇坐在酒馆里，因为伊凡·费奥多罗维奇没回家吃午饭，而费奥多尔·巴夫洛维奇一个钟头之前就一个人吃过饭了，现在正睡觉呢。但是我求您千万不要提到我，也不要提起我告诉您的事。什么也别说，不然他会杀死我的。” “伊凡哥哥今天叫德米特里上酒馆去吗？” "yes." “是广场上的那家酒馆吗？” “就是那家。” “这是非常可能的！”阿廖沙激动异常地大声说。“谢谢您，斯梅尔佳科夫，这是个重要的消息，我这就到那里去。” “您可别出卖我。”斯梅尔佳科夫在他背后说。 “不会的，我假装是偶然去的，您放心好了。” “您这是往哪儿走啊，我来给您开门。”玛丽娅·康德拉季耶芙娜喊道。 “不用了，这儿近，我还是翻篱笆吧。” 这消息使阿廖沙大为震惊。他急急忙忙往酒馆跑去。他穿着这身修士服进酒馆是不合适的，但可以到楼梯口打听一下，把他们叫出来。他刚走近酒馆，一扇窗户突然打开了，伊凡哥哥从窗口里探身向他喊道： “阿廖沙，你能不能到我这儿来一下？你来我就太感谢你了。” “当然可以，但我穿着这身衣服不知道是不是可以进来。” “我正好在单间雅座，你就到大门口，我马上来接你……” 不一会儿，阿廖沙就坐在哥哥身边了，原来伊凡是一个人在那儿吃饭。 伊凡所在的并不是单间雅座。这只是一处靠近窗口、用屏风遮挡的地方，但旁人毕竟无法看到坐在屏风里的人。这是进门的第一间，靠墙有一个酒柜。酒馆的伙计不时从这里进进出出。这里只有一名顾客，是个退伍的小老头，坐在角落里喝茶。但在其他几个房间里，呈现出一般酒馆里常有的那种忙乱景象，只听得聒耳的喊叫声、打开啤酒瓶的噼啪声、弹球的撞击声、呜呜的风琴声此起彼伏，一片嘈杂。阿廖沙知道，伊凡几乎从来没有到这家酒馆来过，而且一般也不喜欢上酒馆。他今天所以到这里来，也许就是为了跟德米特里哥哥约会，但德米特里哥哥又不在。 “我给你叫一份鱼汤或别的什么，你总不至于单靠喝茶过日子吧。”伊凡大声说道，看样子他因为拉住了阿廖沙而感到十分高兴。他自己已经吃完饭，正在那儿喝茶。 “来一份鱼汤，等一会儿再来一杯茶，我饿坏了。”阿廖沙高兴地说。 “要不要来点樱桃酱？这里有。你还记得吗，你小时候最爱吃波列诺夫家的樱桃酱了。” “这你还记得？那就再来点樱桃酱吧，我现在还爱吃。” 伊凡按铃叫来了侍者，要了鱼汤、茶和樱桃酱。 “我都记得，阿廖沙，你十一岁以前的情形我都记得。那时候我十五岁。十五和十一，兄弟俩相差这个年龄，一般不会成为兴趣相同的好朋友。我甚至不知道那时候是不是喜欢你。后来我到了莫斯科，头几年我根本没想到还有你这个弟弟。后来你自己也到了莫斯科，我们好像只在什么地方见过一次面。我在这儿已经住了三个多月，可直到现在我们俩还没正式谈过一次话。我明天就要离开这里了，刚才我坐在这里在想，我怎么能见到他，跟他告别。正巧这时候你在旁边走过。” “你很想见到我吗？” “非常想，我想彻底了解你，也让你了解我。然后大家分手。我觉得在离别前最容易达到相互了解。我发现这三个月来你一直在观察我，你目光中有一种无尽的期待，这真使我受不了，所以我没有接近你。但是到最后我还是学会了尊重你。我在心里说：这孩子挺坚定。你要知道，虽然现在我在笑，但说话是认真的。你很坚定，是吗？我就喜欢坚定的人，不管他们坚守什么立场，哪怕是像你这样的小孩子。你那期待的目光最后终于不再使我讨厌，相反，最后终于使我开始喜欢你期待的目光……不知什么原因，你好像还喜欢我，是吗，阿廖沙？” “我爱你，伊凡。德米特里哥哥说你伊凡守口如瓶，而我说你伊凡是个谜，即使现在，对我来说你还是个谜，但我对你已经有所理解了，这是从今天早晨开始的！” “这是什么意思？”伊凡笑道。 “说出来你不会生气吧？”阿廖沙也笑了。 "Say it." “你跟一般的年轻人，跟其他二十三岁的年轻人一模一样，同样是那种生气勃勃、活泼可爱的年轻小伙子，实际上还是那种乳臭未干的毛孩子！怎么，你听了不太生气吧？” “相反，真是巧得出奇！”伊凡欢快热情地说。“你信不信，自从昨天我们在她那儿见面以来，我心里就一直在琢磨这件事。我想我还是二十三岁的黄口小儿，而你现在猜得很准，并且就从这件事谈起。我刚才坐在这里，你知道我心里在想什么吗？我在想：即使不再相信生活，不再相信心爱的女人，不再相信世间万物的规律，甚至反而坚持认为一切都是混乱的，可诅咒的，也许是魔鬼般的混乱不堪，即使我灰心失望，万念俱灰——但我仍然愿意继续生活下去，既然我捧起了这杯酒，那么在喝完之前我是决不会放弃的！不过，到了三十岁我也许会扔掉这杯酒，就是没喝完也会离开的——至于到什么地方，那我不知道。但我确切知道，在三十岁之前我的青春活力将战胜一切——各种各样的失望，对生活的各种各样厌恶。我多次问自己：世界上有没有那样一种失望，足以战胜我内心对生活疯狂的，也许有失体面的渴望呢？最后我断定：好像不存在这样的失望，当然，这是指三十岁之前，至于过了三十岁，那连我自己也不会再有这种强烈的渴望了，我是这样认为的。有些害痨病的没出息的道德家，尤其是诗人，往往把这种对生活的渴望说成是一种卑鄙的东西。的确，在某种程度上是卡拉马佐夫家族固有的特征，不管怎么说，你身上肯定有这种渴望。但为什么这是卑鄙的呢？在我们这个星球上，阿廖沙，向心力还是强大的。我渴望生活，所以我活着，虽然这违背逻辑。尽管我不信世间万物的规律，但我珍惜春天萌发的新芽嫩叶，珍惜蔚蓝的天空，珍惜某些人，你信不信，连我自己也不知道为什么会爱那些人，还珍惜人类的某些业绩，对这些业绩也许早已不再相信，但依然记忆犹新，由衷敬仰。瞧，鱼汤端来了，你多吃点，这鱼汤味道很好，做得不错。我想到欧洲去一趟。阿廖沙，我就从这儿直接动身。我知道这不过是走向坟墓，然而是最最宝贵的坟墓，就是这么回事！那儿躺着千金之躯，每块墓碑上记载着他们往昔的辉煌，记载着他们对自己的业绩、自己的真理、自己的奋斗和自己的良知所抱的狂热信仰，我早知道自己肯定会跪下去亲吻这些碑石，为它们哭泣，与此同时，我内心却深信这一切早已成为坟墓，仅仅是坟墓而已。我哭泣并不是由于绝望，而是因为我自己的泪水能使我感到幸福，为自己的伤感而陶醉。我爱春天的新绿，我爱蔚蓝的天空，就是这么回事！这不是理智，不是逻辑，而是发自心底、发自肺腑的爱，是爱自己初次迸发出来的青春活力……阿廖沙，你是否多少能理解我这些谬论？或者说没有理解？”伊凡突然笑了起来。 “我太理解了，伊凡，渴望那种出自心底发自肺腑的爱——你这话说得好极了。我非常非常高兴，你那么强烈地渴望生活。”阿廖沙赞叹道。“我认为，这世界上大家首先应该热爱生活。” “爱生活本身超过爱它的意义，是吗？” “一定要这样。首先要热爱，而不去管什么逻辑，就像你说的那样，无论如何不要去管什么逻辑，只有这样我才能理解生活的意义。我早就隐隐约约地感到了这一点，你爱生活，伊凡，这就表明你的事情已经完成了一半，得到了一半。现在你要努力去完成另一半，那样你就能得救了。” “我也许还没有毁灭，可你已经要拯救我了！你所说的另一半是什么呢？” “就是要使你的那些死者复活，他们也许根本就没有死。喝茶吧，我很高兴我们能这样交谈，伊凡。” “我看你很兴奋。我最喜欢像你这样的……见习修士坦率地谈论自己的信仰。你是个坚定的人，阿列克谢。你打算离开修道院，这是真的吗？” “是真的。我的长老要我回到俗界。” “这么说来，我们也许还会见面的，在俗界相遇，到我三十岁开始放弃那杯酒之前还会见面的。父亲到七十岁还不愿放弃那杯酒，甚至到八十岁还不想放弃，这是他自己说的，虽然他是个小丑，但这话是一本正经说的。他把情欲当成了生活的基石……不过三十岁之后，除此以外也许真的没有什么可以作为立足点了……可是到七十岁总不免显得有点卑鄙，最好在三十岁之前：这样还可以自欺欺人地保留一点'高尚的色彩'。你今天有没有见到德米特里？” “没有，没有见到，但斯梅尔佳科夫见过他。”于是阿廖沙赶紧把自己遇到斯梅尔佳科夫的详细情况告诉了二哥。伊凡当然听得很仔细，甚至还追问了几句。 “不过他要求我别告诉德米特里哥哥他谈起过他。”阿廖沙补充了一句。 伊凡皱着眉沉思起来。 “你是因为斯梅尔佳科夫才这样愁眉苦脸的吧？”阿廖沙问。 “是的，是因为他的缘故。让他见鬼去吧。德米特里我倒的确想见一见，不过现在不必了……”伊凡不乐意地说。 “你真的很快就要离开这儿吗，哥哥？” "yes." “那父亲和德米特里怎么办呢？他们的事会有什么样的结局呢？”阿廖沙担心地问。 “你怎么老是说这些废话！这跟我有什么关系？我是德米特里大哥的保镖吗？”伊凡气恼地打断他说，但是不知为什么突然又苦笑了一下。“这好像是该隐杀了自己的兄弟之后回答上帝的问话吧？也许此刻你正是这样想的吧？真见鬼了，我总不能留在这儿当他们的保镖吧？一旦事情了结，我就出发。你是不是以为我在跟德米特里争风吃醋，以为这三个月来我一直要夺走他的美人卡捷琳娜·伊凡诺芙娜？去你的吧，我有我自己的事情。现在事情已经了结，我就要走了。事情刚才已经了结，你是见证人。” “你是指发生在卡捷琳娜·伊凡诺芙娜那儿的那件事吧？” “是的，是在她那儿。一下子彻底解决了。怎么？德米特里跟我又有什么关系？这件事跟德米特里完全无关。我和卡捷琳娜·伊凡诺芙娜之间完全是我们自己的事情。可你自己也知道，情况恰恰相反，德米特里的行为好像是我跟他有预谋似的。其实我丝毫没有要他这样做，是他自己煞有介事地要把她转让给我，还为我们祝福，这简直是笑话。不，阿廖沙，不，你真不知道我现在感到多么轻松！所以我现在悠闲地坐在这儿吃饭，你信不信，我还想要瓶香槟酒，庆祝我们刚才得到的自由。唉，几乎拖了半年时间，可突然一下子又彻底解决了。你瞧，昨天我甚至还怀疑这件事可以这么容易解决！” “你说的是你自己的爱情吧，伊凡！” “如果你愿意这样说，那就算是爱情吧。是的，我爱上了一位小姐，爱上了一位女学生。为她受了折磨，她也折磨我。我苦苦地恋着她……突然一切都化为泡影了。不久前我还慷慨激昂地说了一通，可一出门就哈哈大笑起来——我说的是实话。是的，我说的完全是实话。” “现在你跟我谈这件事不是也挺高兴吗。”阿廖沙端详着他那真的突然变得快活起来的脸说道。 “我哪里知道我根本不爱她呢！哈——哈！事实上我真的一点不爱她，可以前她是多么讨人喜欢！就是刚才我大发议论的时候，我还十分喜欢她。你知道么，此时此刻我还是非常非常喜欢她，可是要离开她的时候心里却又十分轻松。你以为我是夸大其词吗？” “不。不过这也许本来就不是爱情。” “阿廖沙，”伊凡笑道，“你别再大谈爱情了！你还不够格。刚才，刚才你已经说过了，真是的！我还忘了为此要吻你呢……她把我折磨得好苦啊！我真是痛苦不堪。唉，她知道我爱她！她爱的也是我，而不是德米特里。”伊凡快活地坚持说。“德米特里只会制造痛苦。我刚才对她说的全是千真万确的大实话。但问题在于，最主要的是她也许要过十五年或者二十年之后才能觉悟到她根本不爱德米特里，她只爱被她苦苦折磨的我。是的，她也许永远也不会觉悟，尽管有了今天的教训。这样更好：我可以一走了事。顺便问一句，她现在怎么样？我走了以后有什么事吗？” 阿廖沙给他说了她歇斯底里发作的情形，说她大概至今还不省人事，说着胡话。 “不会是霍赫拉科娃在瞎说吧？” “好像不会。” “应该打听一下。不过，从来还没有人因为歇斯底里而死去的。就让她歇斯底里去吧，上帝出于爱才把歇斯底里的毛病派给了女人。我绝对不会到她那儿去的。何必再去自讨没趣呢。” “可是你刚才不是对她说，她从来没有爱过你吗。” “那是我故意说的。阿廖沙，我再要一瓶香槟，为我的自由干一杯吧。嘿，你真不知道我心里有多高兴！” “不，哥哥，咱们还是别喝。”阿廖沙突然说。“再说我心里正发愁呢。” “是的，你早就在发愁了，这我早就看出来了。” “那么明天早晨你非走不可吗？” “早晨？我没说早晨……不过，也许是早晨。你信不信，我今天在这儿吃饭的唯一目的是不愿跟老爷子一起吃饭，他太使我讨厌了。要不是别的原因，我早就想离开他了。你为什么要担心我走？在我离开之前，咱们有的是时间。很长很长的时间，无穷无尽！” “你明天就要走了，怎么会是很长很长时间呢？” “这跟你我有什么关系？”伊凡笑了。“我们总还来得及谈一谈自己的事情，谈一谈我们到这里来要谈的事情，是不是？你干吗这样奇怪地看着我？你回答我：我们到这里来干什么？是为了谈卡捷琳娜·伊凡诺芙娜的爱情？谈老爷子和德米特里？谈外国？谈俄国的悲惨现状？谈拿破仑皇帝？是为了谈这些吗？” “不，不是为了这些。” “这么说来你自己也明白，究竟为了什么。别人谈别人的，我们谈我们的，我们这些黄口小儿首先需要解决那些永恒的问题，这才是我们所关心的。现在俄国的所有青年只谈永恒的问题。正当老一辈的人突然忙着解决实际问题的时候，青年人恰恰要探讨永恒的问题。这三个月来你为什么一直用期待的目光盯着我呢？你是想要追问我：'你究竟信仰什么？或者没有任何信仰？'您这三个月来的目光是不是可以归结成这样一个问题，阿列克谢·费奥多罗维奇，是不是这样？” “也许是这样。”阿廖沙微微一笑。“你现在不是在嘲笑我吧，哥哥？” “我在嘲笑你？我不想让三个月来一直对我有所期待的弟弟伤心。阿廖沙，你瞧：我自己跟你一样都是幼稚的小孩子，唯一的差别在于我不是修士。俄国的年轻小伙子，我指的是他们中间的一部分人，直到如今还在干些什么呢？举例说吧，这里是个肮脏的小酒馆，他们从四面八方聚到这里，躲在一个角落里。在这之前他们彼此间从来不认识，一出酒馆的门，又是四十年见不了面，可那又有什么关系。现在他们抓住了在酒馆暂时相见的机会，你看他们在议论什么呢？他们不谈别的话题，谈的都是些世界范围的问题：有没有上帝？有没有灵魂不朽？那些不信上帝的，就谈社会主义和无政府主义，谈用新的方式改造全人类，实际上这是一回事，是同一个问题的两个方面。许许多多别出心裁的小伙子当前只在做一件事，那就是空谈种种永恒的问题，难道不是这样吗？” “是的，对于真正的俄国人来说，有没有上帝，有没有灵魂不朽，或者像你所说的，从另一个角度提出的这些问题，自然是重要的至高无上的问题，这也是应该的。”阿廖沙说，他依然脸带平静而探究的微笑，目不转睛地望着哥哥。 “你知道，阿廖沙，做个俄国人有时候并非是聪明的选择，而且目前俄国的年轻人所干的那些事更是愚蠢得简直难以想象。但是我非常喜欢一个俄国小伙子，那就是你阿廖沙。” “你这结论太妙了。”阿廖沙突然笑了。 “那你说应该从哪儿谈起？我听你吩咐。从上帝谈起？上帝是不是存在，行吗？” “你愿意从哪里谈起就从哪里谈起吧，即使从'另一头'谈起也可以。昨天你在父亲那儿不是声明没有上帝吗？”阿廖沙探究似的看了看哥哥。 “昨天在老爷子那儿吃饭的时候我故意用这话来逗你，我看到你的眼睛都冒火了。但是现在我不反对跟你好好谈一谈，我说这话是绝对认真的。我想跟你交个知心朋友，因为我没有朋友，我想试一试。你设想一下，也许我也能接受上帝。”伊凡笑了起来。“这你没料到吧？” “当然是的，但愿你现在不是开玩笑。” “开玩笑？昨天在长老那儿他们才说我爱开玩笑。你知道吗？亲爱的，十八世纪有一位有罪的老人曾经说过，假如没有上帝，那就应该把他造出来。而人真的造出了一个上帝。假如上帝确实存在，那倒没什么奇怪，没什么稀奇，稀奇的是这种想法——非有上帝不可的想法——居然能钻进像人这样野蛮而凶恶的动物的脑袋里，而这种想法又是多么神圣，多么动人，多么聪明，给人带来多大的荣誉。至于我自己，我早就决定不去思考究竟是人创造了上帝还是上帝创造了人。当然也不会去仔细研究俄国小伙子们关于这个问题的种种时髦原理——那都是从欧洲的假设中引申出来的。在欧洲是假设，到了俄国小伙子手里却马上成了原理。不仅俄国小伙子，就连他们的教授也是这样，因为现在俄国的教授往往也跟俄国小伙子一模一样，因此我撇开这个假设不谈。咱们现在的任务是什么？那就是让我尽快向你说清楚我的本质，也就是我是怎样的人，我信仰什么，期望什么，是这样吗？所以我声明，我是直接地、不加任何条件地接受上帝的。不过同时要指出：如果有上帝，如果上帝的确创造了世界，那么正如我们十分了解的那样，他是按照欧几里德几何学来创造这个世界的，而他所创造的人类头脑只有三维空间的概念。但是以前有过，甚至现在也还有这样一些几何学家和哲学家，甚至是非常杰出的几何学家和哲学家，他们怀疑整个宇宙，甚至怀疑的范围更加广泛，怀疑整个存在是否按照欧几里德几何学创造的，他们居然异想天开地要让两条根据欧几里德原理永不相交的平行线在无限遥远的地方相交。亲爱的，因此我断定：如果我连这一点也无法理解，那我怎么能理解上帝的事情呢。我老老实实承认，我完全没有解决这些问题的能力，我的头脑是欧几里德式的，世俗的，怎么能解决非世俗的问题呢。我也劝你永远不要去想这些问题，我的朋友阿廖沙，尤其不要去想有没有上帝这个问题，这些问题对于生来只有三维空间概念的头脑来说完全是力不胜任的。所以，我不但乐意接受上帝，而且接受我们根本无法了解的上帝的聪明才智和他的目的，我也相信秩序，相信生命的意义，相信据说我们将来会融合其间的永恒的和谐，相信全宇宙所向往的，'与上帝同在的'本身就是上帝的道，等等，不一而足。诸如此类的话编造得够多的了。我好像已经走上正道了。是吗？但是你知道，归根结底，我无法接受上帝创造的这个世界，尽管我知道它确实存在，但还是根本无法接受。我不是不接受上帝，你要明白这一点，我是不接受上帝创造的世界，不接受上帝的世界，而且无法同意接受。我附带说明一下，我像婴儿那样深信不疑：创伤终将愈合平复，种种可气可笑的人类矛盾犹如海市蜃楼，犹如原子般弱小的欧几里德式的人脑挖空心思虚构出来的种种幻影最后终将消失，而在世界的尽头，在永恒的和谐来临之际，终将