Chapter 18 six

... Somewhere in the next room, it seemed to be under some strong pressure, and it seemed to be strangled by someone - the hanging clock on the wall rang hoarsely.After the unnatural, prolonged rattling, there was a thin, harsh, and somewhat unexpected jerk--as if someone had jumped forward abruptly.Knock twice.I woke up, though I hadn't slept at all, and had only been half asleep for a while. The room was small, low, and cramped, crammed into a gigantic wardrobe full of cardboard boxes, women's clothes, and miscellaneous wearables—the room was almost dark.At the far end of the room was a table, on which was burning the stub of a candle, which was almost completely extinguished, except for a flicker of light now and then.In a few minutes more darkness was sure to set in.

I soon woke up: all at once, effortlessly, I remembered everything at once, as if the memory had always been guarding me, ready to come upon me again at any moment.And even in slumber, my memory often seemed to linger on some indelible point around which my heavy nightmares revolved.But it's strange to say: everything that happened to me that day, now when I wake up, I feel that this is already a long time ago, as if I have already forgotten all about it. My head is in a mess.Something seemed to be hovering over my head, slapping me, agitating me, disturbing me.The troubles and anger in my heart began to fill my chest again, looking for vent.Suddenly beside me, I saw two wide-open eyes observing me curiously and stubbornly.It was cold, dark, and completely foreign; it made me sick.

Suddenly a gloomy thought came into my head, and then spread through my body, creating a very uncomfortable feeling, the feeling that a person feels when walking into a damp, musty basement.It seems strange, why are these two eyes wanting to look at me now when I think of it.It occurred to me that I hadn't spoken a word to this person during these two hours, and didn't think it necessary to speak to her at all; I don't know why I even liked it just now.Only now did I suddenly realize how absurd, how repulsive, like a spider, this loveless fornication, brutal and shameless, begins directly at the climax of true love!We looked at each other for a long time, but she didn't drop her eyes or change her gaze under my gaze, which made me feel horrified at last for some reason.

"What's your name?" I asked hurriedly, wanting to end it quickly. "Lisa," she replied almost in a whisper, but seemed icy, and averted her eyes. I was silent for a moment. "It's... snowing... bad today!" I said almost to myself, putting one hand behind my head in annoyance and looking at the ceiling. She doesn't answer.All this is outrageous. "Are you local?" I asked after a minute, almost annoyed, turning my head slightly towards her. "no." "Where did it come from?" "Riga," she replied reluctantly.

"Germans?" "Russians." "Already here?" "Where?" "brothel." "Two weeks." Her voice was getting urgent.The candles were all extinguished; I could no longer see her face clearly. "Is there a father and mother?" "Well... no... yes." "Where are they?" "There... Riga." "What are they for?" "nothing……" "What do you mean nothing? What are you doing, what line of work are you doing?" "Small business." "You've been living with them?"

"yes." "How old are you?" "twenty." "Why did you leave them?" "nothing……" It doesn't mean to say: don't bother me, hate.We all fell silent. God knows why I didn't leave.I myself felt increasingly sick and irritable.All kinds of images from the past day, as if automatically, without my will, passed through my mind in a haphazard manner.I suddenly remembered what I had seen on the street in the morning when I was anxiously hurrying to work. "I almost fell to the ground when I carried the coffin out today." I said suddenly, I didn't want to speak at all, but just blurted out like this, almost unconsciously.

"coffin?" "Yes, at the Haymarket: brought out of the cellar." "cellar?" "Not from the cellar, but from the basement level...well, you know what...down there...from the crappy house...all around the mud...egg shells, rubbish...stink ……nausea." silence. "Today's burial is terrible!" I said again, just not to be silent. "Why is it so bad?" "It's snowing, wet..." (I yawn.) "It's the same anyway." She said suddenly after a moment of silence. "No, hate... (I yawn again). The gravediggers, because the snow got them wet, must be cursing. There must be water in the grave."

"Why is there water in the grave?" She asked curiously, but her words were more rude and stiff than before.I suddenly had an unknown fire. "Why, there's about six inches of water at the bottom of the pit, and none of the tombs dug in Volkovo are dry." "why?" "Why why? There is water here. There are swamps everywhere. Just put it in the water. I saw it with my own eyes... I have seen it many times." (I haven't seen it once, and I've never been to Volkovo, I just hear it said so often.) "Don't you think it's the same whether you're dead or not?"

"Why should I die?" she replied as if in self-defense. "You're going to die one day, like that woman who died not long ago. She... was a girl too... died of consumption." "If only the chick died in the hospital..." (She knew about it, I thought—so "girl" instead of "girl.") "She owes money to the madam," I retorted, growing angry with the argument, "and despite her consumptive disease, she was receiving her guests almost to the end. The coachman chatted with the soldiers everywhere. Said about it. Probably an old friend of hers. They talked and laughed. They are going to mourn her in the tavern."

silence.Deep silence.She didn't even move. "Is it okay to die in the hospital?" "Aren't they all the same?...Why should I die?" She added angrily. "If you don't die now, what about later?" "If you die later, you will die later..." "Don't be like this! Now you are still young, beautiful, and charming-everyone treats you as a treasure. But after another year of this kind of life, you will not be like this, and you will be old and faded." "Another year?" "Anyway, in another year you won't be worth as much as you are now." I continued gloating. "You'd leave here for something lower, another whorehouse. Another year—and a third, lower and lower, and another seven or eight years and you'd be down in the Haymarket. The basement. It's still good. The bad luck is, besides that, you have something sick, uh, like a chest disease... or you have a cold, or whatever. It's hard to be sick in a business like this Okay. Once you get sick, it won't be easy to get better. At that time, you will have to die."

"Death is death." She replied viciously, twisting her body quickly. "You know, it's a pity." "Who?" "It's a pity this life." silence. "Have you ever had a fiancé? Huh?" "What do you ask for?" "I'm not asking you. What have I got. Why are you angry? Of course you may have your own pleasures. What does it matter to me? Nothing, poor thing." "Who?" "Poor you." "You don't have to be sorry..." she whispered barely audibly, and twisted her body again. This made me immediately raise an unknown fire.how!I was so considerate to her, she actually... "What are you thinking? Are you on the right path? Huh?" "I don't want anything." "I don't want to make it worse, sober up before it's too late. You're still young and beautiful; you can still fall in love, you can still marry, and you can still be a happy person..." "Not all married people are happy," she said gruffly in her old crackling voice. "Not everyone, of course, but it's better than staying here. It's better than nothing. With love, you can live even if you're not happy. Even if you're unhappy, life is good, in the world, even No matter how you live, it's good. But here, besides... ugly. Bah!" I turned away in disgust; I was no longer lecturing.I feel the same way, and the more I say it, the more excited I get.I have longed to express all the thoughts I have cherished in my heart that I have lived alone and pondered over and over again.There seemed to be something burning in me suddenly, and some kind of purpose "emerged". "You don't see me fooling around here, I don't teach you well. I may be worse than you. Then again, I came here drunk." I was eager to defend myself. "Besides, men can't be compared with women at all. These are two different things. Although I abuse myself and ruin myself, I am not anyone's slave after all. Come and go, there is no such thing as me. Dust off Soil, another man. But in your case, you have been a slave from the beginning. Yes, a slave! You have given your all, your whole will. You will not be able to break free from this yoke later: it will It's getting tighter and tighter on you. That's the damn chain. I know it. I won't say anything else. Maybe you don't understand, but please tell me: you probably owe the madam Money? Well, look!" I added, though she didn't answer me, just listened silently: "Look, here's the chains! You can never redeem yourself. They'll do it. .You have given your soul to the devil... "Just take me for example... how do you know, maybe I am also unlucky. I jumped into the fire pit on purpose because I was depressed. You know, drinking is to drown your sorrows with wine: well, I came here--also In order to relieve the boredom. Tell me, what good is it: we two ... just ... got together, but we didn't say a word to each other during the whole time, and you didn't until later. Start looking at me like a wild girl; I do the same to you. Is this called love? Is this how people should be so close to each other? It's just unbecoming, that's all!" "Yes!" She echoed my words bluntly and hastily.I even wondered at her haste to say the word "yes".This means, maybe, when she looked at me just now, the same thought flashed through her mind?This shows that she has already thought about certain problems? ... "Damn, this is interesting, this is 'heroes see alike'." I thought——I almost rubbed my hands without complacency. "Can't I handle such a young heart..." What I am most interested in is acting on the spot. She turned her head closer to me, and it seemed to me in the darkness that she was resting her head on one hand.Maybe looking at me.What a pity I couldn't see her eyes clearly.I heard her deep breathing. "Why did you come here?" I said, already with a certain authority. "nothing……" "How nice it would be to be in my hometown! It's warm and free; after all, it's my own home." "What if it's not as good as here?" "It has to be in tune with her thoughts," a flash in my mind flashed. "Sentimentality won't do much." However, this was just a flash.I can swear she does interest me, too.Besides, I was feeling a little sad at the time.Besides, it is easy to live in harmony with deceit and true emotion. "Who said that!" I replied hastily, "Anything can happen. I believe that someone must have bullied you. I'm sorry for you, not for you to be sorry for them. You know, I don't know anything about your life experience, but like A girl like you would definitely not be willing to come here..." "What kind of girl am I?" she said in a barely audible voice, but I got it. "Fuck, I'm sucking up to her. It's disgusting. Maybe, or..." She was silent. "I say Lisa—I want to say about myself! If I had had a family growing up, I would never be what I am now. I think about it a lot. You know, no matter how bad it is in this house—after all, it is me Parents, not enemies, not strangers. Even if you show love to you only once a year. You know you are in your own home after all. See, I grew up without a home; Be so... ruthless." I waited for silence again. "Perhaps she didn't understand at all," I thought. "It's ridiculous to say--demonstration." "If I were a father and I had a daughter of my own, I'd probably love my daughter more than my son, really," I said again, as if not to please her.To tell you the truth, I blushed. "Why is that?" she asked. You could tell she was listening. "No reason; I don't know, Lisa. You see, I knew a father who was very strict and bossy, but he used to kneel before his daughter and kiss her hands and feet, and couldn't get enough of it, Really. She went to the party to dance, and he stood there for five hours at a time, looking at her. He was madly in love with her: I understand that. In the middle of the night, she was tired—and fell asleep , and as soon as he woke up, he ran to kiss his sleeping daughter, prayed for her, and blessed her. He was wearing an oil-stained coat and was stingy with everyone, but he gave her everything and bought everything. If she likes the gift, he will be very happy. A father always loves his daughter more than a mother. How happy a girl is to live at home! If it were me, I might not want to give my own The daughter is married off." "And what's the matter?" she asked, smiling slightly. "I'd be jealous, really. Well, how could she kiss another human being? Love other people more than her own father? It hurts to think about it. Of course, it's all nonsense; of course, in the end any People will understand this. But if I, before marrying her, I would probably be very distressed, worrying about one thing: picking out all the people who come to marry me, and no one will look down on them. In the end, I will marry her She gave it to the person she likes. You know, the person the daughter likes is always the worst in the father's eyes. That's what happened. Because of this reason, many misfortunes happened in the family." "Some people would rather sell their daughter than marry her off in a dignified way," she said abruptly. what!That's what happened! "Lisa, these are the damned families in which there is neither God nor love," I continued enthusiastically, "and where there is no love there is no reason. Yes, there are families like that." No, I don't mean them. You probably don't see happiness in your own family, and that's why you say that. You're such an unfortunate girl. Well . . . it's probably all because of a poor word." "Is the situation in the rich family better? Some honest people live well even if they are poor." "Well... yes. Maybe. One more word, Lisa: One loves to count one's misfortunes, not one's own happiness. If you do the math, you'll see that everyone has their own If everything goes smoothly in the family, God blesses you, your husband is good, loves you, loves you, and never leaves you, how wonderful it is! How happy this family is! Even if luck and misfortune are evenly divided sometimes, It’s pretty good; who doesn’t have misfortune? Maybe. You will know it yourself after you get married. Take the time when you marry your beloved and newlyweds: how, how happy sometimes! And anytime, anywhere I feel happy. When I was newlywed, even quarreling with my husband felt very sweet. The more love I have in my heart, the more I love to quarrel with my husband. Really, I know such a woman, she said: 'That's it thing, I love you very much, and it is because of love that I torture you, you have to feel it.' Do you know that because of love, you can deliberately torture a person? Most of them are women. But she is thinking in her heart: 'But, I will love him very, very much in the future, and I will be considerate of him in every possible way, so it is not a crime to torture him now.” So at home, everyone is happy to see you two, both happy and happy, harmonious and beautiful, and respectful to each other... …There are also some people who are jealous. He has something to go out, (I know such a woman,) she can’t bear it, she jumps out in the middle of the night, and runs out to peek: he won’t go there, won’t he go to a brothel, won’t With that woman, right? It's not good. She knows it's not good. Her heart is up and down and she is suffering. She loves him, and everything is because of love. How happy it is to make up after the quarrel Ah, either admit his mistake to him, or forgive him! The young couple feel very happy, suddenly feel very happy-like they meet again after a long absence, get married again, and start to fall in love again. If the husband and wife love each other, then any Man, no one should know what happened between husband and wife. No matter how much they quarreled—nor should they call their own mother to judge, and they should not gossip with each other. They should judge themselves. Love is God No matter what happens to the couple, no one else has the right to ask. Only in this way, love will become more sacred and better. We need more respect for each other, and many things are based on mutual respect. Since there was love with each other, and since we married because of love, why let love go forever! Can't love be maintained? There are very few cases where love cannot be maintained. Well, as long as you can find a good husband, as long as He is a kind and honest gentleman, so how could their love be gone forever? The newlywed love will pass, yes, but the later love will be even better. At that time, the two hearts will bond, and the husband and wife will work together to build a better life Family; no secrets from each other, then children and children, and then, every moment, even the hardest of times, will be happy; just love each other and face everything bravely. It is also a pleasant time to work, For the sake of the children, sometimes it is happy to save money. You know, for this, the children will love you in the future; which means, you are saving for yourself.Children grow up - you feel that you are their role model, that you are their pillar; and even after you die, they will have your feelings and thoughts in themselves for the rest of their lives, because that is what they have learned from you , they will inherit your image and styles.That is, it is a great calling.How could parents not love each other more intimately at this time?Some people say that it is too difficult to raise a child?Who said this?This is great happiness.Do you like children, Lisa?I really like it.Do you know—such a beautiful child, snuggling in your arms and breastfeeding, which husband will be fascinated by his wife when he sees his wife holding his child!A rosy little child with a chubby face, lying with arms crossed, sleepy eyes; chubby hands and feet, clean little nails, so small that you feel like Ridiculous, small eyes flickering, as if he understands everything.While breastfeeding, he also uses his small hands to play with your breasts.Daddy came over—he let go of the nipple, threw his whole body back, looked at Daddy, laughed—God knows how ridiculous—and leaned back in to feed again.Or he would bite his mother's teat with a sharp bite, if the baby teeth came in, and he himself would squint at her with his little eyes: 'Look, a bite! 'When the three of them are together, husband, wife, and children, isn't everything here happy?For a moment like this, many things can be forgiven.No, Lisa, learn how to live by yourself before blaming others! " "It has to be vivid, it has to be so vivid, to move you!" I thought to myself, although, really, I said this emotionally, but I suddenly blushed. "Where will I put my face if she suddenly laughs?" The thought drove me suddenly into a rage.I was really emotional at the end when I said it, and now my pride has somehow been hurt again.The silence continued.I can't wait to push her away. "You're a little..." she said suddenly, and stopped halfway through. But it was clear to me already that there was something else quivering in her voice, not the harsh, rough, recalcitrant tone it had been before, but something soft and shy about it. This shy look made me suddenly feel ashamed and guilty somehow. "What?" I asked with a gentle curiosity. "you……" "what?" "You're kind of... scripted," she said, as though she had suddenly heard some mocking tone in her voice. Her words stung me.I didn't expect her to say that. I don't understand that she's using mockery here as a pretense, the last resort of shy, pure-hearted people, who, out of self-esteem, are trying to get into their hearts with rude, beggars. Reluctant to give in until the last moment, afraid to show your feelings in front of you.I should have guessed it from the timid manner in which she hesitated to speak until the very end.But I didn't guess it, and I was so angry in my heart. "You wait." I thought.