Chapter 17 Fives

"This is, this is finally touching reality." I muttered, running down the stairs quickly. "It does not appear to be the pope who left Rome for exile in Brazil; nor does it appear to be a ball on the shores of Lake Como!" "You're a scumbag!" A flash came to my mind, "Since you're making fun of it now." "Let it go!" I cried out to myself. "You know, it's all over now!" They're gone; but it doesn't matter: I know where they're going. Standing alone by the steps was a poor night-time sleigh, covered with baize, and covered with wet and seemingly warm snow that was still falling.It was humid and muggy.The little shaggy pinto horse that pulled the sleigh was also covered with snow and coughing; I remember that well.I ran to this sledge made of bark; but just as I was about to lift my legs and sit on it, I suddenly remembered the six rubles that Simonov had just given me, and suddenly my legs felt weak, and I felt like a bag. fell down on the sled.

"No! It's going to take a lot to make it up!" I cried, "but I'll make it up, or I'll be killed on the spot to-night, or die there. Go!" off we go.The wind was howling and whirling in my mind. "Kneel down and beg me, beg my friendship—they won't do it. It's a mirage, a vulgar, hateful, romantic, unreal mirage; like that ball on Lake Como. So I should give Zwell Cove's slap! I've got to slap him. That's it, it's settled; I'll fly right now and slap him." "Run!" The coachman tugged at the reins. "I slapped him as soon as I got in. Shall I start with a few words before the slap? No! Simply, slap him as soon as I got in. They must all be sitting in the living room, and he And sit on the couch with Olympia. Poor Olympia! Once she dared to make fun of my face and don't want me. I'll grab Olympia by the hair and pull her away, Grab Zverkov again by both ears! No, it's better to grab one ear, grab him by one ear, and drag him around the room. Maybe all of them will rush up and beat me, trying to beat me I push away. That's even certain. Let them beat them! Anyway, I slapped him first: I took the initiative; Can't undo the slap he got, unless it's duel. He's got to. Let 'em beat me now. Let 'em do it, ungrateful bastards! Hardest must be Tru Dolyubov: He's the strongest; Felfichkin's going to grab me from the side, he's going to pull my hair, that's for sure. But let them beat them! I'm ready! ..their goat brains will at last understand the wretched end of it! When they dragged me out the door, I yelled at them that none of them was worth a little finger of mine."

"Run, driver, run!" I called to the driver. He even shuddered and swung his whip.My voice was very rough. "A duel at dawn, that's settled. The Secretary's job is over. Just now, Fairfitchkin said 'Si' as 'Temple'. But where can I get a pistol? Nonsense! I can pay an advance What about the gunpowder? What about the bullets? That's the assistant's business. How can I make it all before dawn? Where can I find an assistant? I have no friends..." "Nonsense!" I exclaimed , the whirlwind in my mind was spinning faster, "Nonsense!" "Meet a random person on the street, look for him, isn't he my assistant, like saving a drowning man from the water. It should be This extraordinary deviation from the norm is allowed. Even if I asked the director himself to be my second-in-command tomorrow, he should readily agree to it out of pure chivalry and keep it a secret from me! Anton Antonitch . . . "

The thing is, at this very moment, too, I see more clearly and understand better than anyone in the whole world how ugly and ridiculous my assumptions are, and the whole bad side of the thing, but... "Run, driver, run, bastard, run!" "Alas, sir!" said the peasant. I suddenly shivered. "Wouldn't it be better to go straight home now... Wouldn't it be better? Oh, my God! What did I do yesterday, why did I ask to come to this banquet? But no, it can't be done! Then why go from table to table?" Three hours of walking up and down the stove? No, they, they, and no one else, must pay for my walking up and down! They must clear me of the shame!"

"Run!" "What if they send me to the police station? They don't dare! They're afraid of making a fool of themselves. What if Zverkov refuses to fight out of contempt? That's even certain; but then I'll tell them Proof... If he wants to leave tomorrow, I will rush into the station compound, and when he climbs into the car, I will grab his leg and tear off his coat. I will bite his hand with my teeth and bite him hard. Bite him hard. 'Look how far you can drive a desperate man!' Let him hit me on the head and let them drag me from behind. He shouted: "Look, this bastard, with my spittle on his face, wants to seduce Circassian women!"

"Needless to say, everything will be over after this happens! The errands in the department will disappear from the face of the earth. I will be arrested, I will have a lawsuit, I will be expelled, put in prison, exiled to Siberia, go to Immigrants there. Never mind! When I get out of prison in fifteen years, I'll go to him in rags and penniless. I'll find him in some provincial town. He's married and happy He has a grown-up daughter... I'll say to him: 'Look, rascal, look at my sunken cheeks and my rags! I've lost everything—prospects, happiness, art, Science, beloved woman, it's all because of you. You see, here are two pistols. I've come to empty my pistols and... and forgive you.' Then I shoot, and there's no news about me ever since none……"

I even cried, although at that moment I knew perfectly well that it was all from Silvio and Lermontov.Suddenly, I felt so shameful that I stopped the horse, climbed off the sled, and stood in the snow on the street.The coachman sighed and looked at me in surprise. what to do?You can't go there--it's absurd; you can't stop doing it, because it's going to be a joke... Lord!How can you give up halfway!And, after such an insult! "No!" I cried, and sprinted into the sleigh again. "It's fate, it's fate! Run, run, go there!" So I impatiently punched the coachman on the neck with my fist.

"What's the matter with you, why are you beating?" cried the peasant, and whipped his poor horse so hard that it began to kick on its hind legs. Wet snow the size of goose feathers is falling; I throw off the tweed blanket on my body, I don't care much about it.I forgot all else, for I had made up my mind so thoroughly that the slap should be given, and I felt with horror that it must happen at once, and that no force could stop me.Desolate street lamps flickered eeriely in the dark snowy night like torches in a funeral procession.The snowflakes got under my overcoat, coat, and tie, filled them up, and melted inside; I didn't cover myself with a blanket; you know, I'd have lost everything even if I didn't!We finally arrived at our destination.Almost in a daze, I jumped off the sled, mounted the steps, and began knocking on the door with all my hands and feet.Especially my two legs, the knees, were so soft.The door opened somehow quickly; as if they knew I was coming. (Sure enough, Simonov said in advance: maybe someone else will come, here must be announced in advance, in any case precautions must be taken. This was a "fashion shop" at the time, and now such shops have long been banned by the police. Daytime This is indeed a shop; at night, you must be introduced to be a guest.) I walked quickly through the dark shop, into the familiar living room, where there was only one candle burning, I stopped inexplicably: alone nor.

"What about them?" I asked one. Needless to say, they've broken up... There was a person standing in front of me, smiling silly. This was the madam, who knew me a little bit.A minute later the door opened and another person came in. I ignored everything, just walked up and down the room, and seemed to be talking to myself.It was as if I had escaped from death, and I felt the joy of this escape with all my being: you know, I have come to slap him, and I must, I must slap him!But now they're gone, and... everything's gone, everything's changed! ... I looked around in a hurry.I haven't figured it out yet.I unconsciously glanced at the girl who came in: a delicate, young, slightly pale face flashed in front of me, with two black willow-leaf eyebrows, with a serious look that seemed slightly surprised. eyes.I immediately liked the look, and if she had a smile on her face, I'd hate her and hate her instead.I began to watch her fixedly, as if with an effort: my thoughts were not fully concentrated.There was something honest and kind in this face, but somehow strangely serious.I'm sure that's what she's doing wrong here, and none of those fools noticed her.Then again, she can't be called a great beauty, although she has a tall figure, a good body, and a beautiful figure.She was very plainly dressed.A base thought bit me; I went straight up to her...

I happened to look in the mirror.My terrified face made me sick: pale, evil, obscene, and tousled hair. "Come on, I like it," I thought, "I like it when she sees me sick; I like it..."