Chapter 19 seven

"Hey, come on, Lisa, what is scripted and not scripted, as a bystander, I feel disgusting. Besides, I am not a bystander. Now all this is awakened in my heart... Could it be, are you here yourself Don't you think it's disgusting? No, it seems, it's just habit! God knows what habit can turn a person into. Do you really think you'll never grow old, you'll always be beautiful, and this place will feed you forever The obscenity here... I won't talk about it. I want to talk about your life now: You are young, handsome, beautiful, good-hearted, and passionate; but, you know, just take me Well, I just woke up and saw me sleeping with you in here and I felt sick right away! I'm only here because I'm drunk. If you live somewhere else and live like nice people, Maybe I'll not only pursue you, but literally fall in love with you, and I'll be happy if you look at me, let alone talk to you; I'll wait for you at the gate, I'll kneel before you I'm sorry; I'd look at you like a fiancée, and I'd consider it an honor. I dare not think anything wrong with you. But here I know that if I whistle, you will If you want, you have to follow me. I don’t act according to your will, but you must obey my orders. The poorest peasants are hired as long-term labor—after all, they are not sold as slaves, and they I know he has a time limit. But what about your time limit? Think about it: what are you giving here? What are you selling? What you are selling is your soul, your soul, and you have no right to control your own soul. The soul is sold with the body. You sell your love to any drunkard to ravage. Love! Know, that's all, know, it's a diamond, a virgin's treasure, love! Know, to win this Love, some people do not hesitate to sacrifice, go through life and death. But now what do people think of your love? You have been betrayed, the whole person, completely, completely betrayed, since you can do everything without love, why still To fight for your love. You know, there's nothing more humiliating to a girl than this, you see? See, I hear, they comfort you silly girls—you're allowed to have lovers here. You know, It's just to entertain you, it's a scam, it's just a joke, but you believe it. Does he, this lover, really love you? I don't believe it. If he knows, someone will call you away from him in no time. How could he love you. If so, he would be a whore. Would he have the slightest respect for you? What would you have in common with him? He would only laugh at you and steal from you—this It’s all his love for you! It’s okay if he doesn’t hit you. Maybe he will. If you have such a person, you might as well ask him: Will he marry you? He will shout at you Lol, if it wasn't for spitting on you or beating you up - and the whole value of this man himself is only worth two copper coins. Come to think of it, why do you want to ruin your life here? madam jeanSo what if you drink coffee to fill you up?You know, why did she give you food?For a girl who knows how to be ashamed, I am afraid that such a meal will not be able to swallow even a mouthful, because she knows what it is for her to eat.You have owed a debt here, and you will continue to owe it to the end until the customer dislikes you and does not want you anymore.This day will come soon, don't think you are young.You know, all this came very quickly, like flying like the wind.They will throw you out.And it's not just a simple blast, but first you have to pick your nose and eyes for a long time, scold you, and scold you-it seems that you didn't pay for your health for her, and destroyed yourself for her in vain Her youth and soul, it seems that you have ruined her and had to go to beg for food and steal her away.You can't expect anyone to sympathize with you: your other girlfriends will also attack you to please the madam, because all the people here are slaves and have long since lost their conscience and compassion.Everyone has become vile, and there is nothing more disgusting, nasty, and irritating in the world than these insults.You gave everything here, everything, self-sacrifice - health, youth, beauty and hope, twenty-two years old looks like a thirty-five-year-old milf, fortunately, if you are not sick, you deserve it Thank God.You know, you're probably thinking right now, you don't have to work here, you just have fun!There has never been a heavier, harder job in the world.It seems that the whole heart is soaked in tears.When you were kicked out from here, you didn't dare to say a word, you didn't even dare to say no, so you had to walk away in despair.You change places, and then another, and then someplace, until at last you end up in Haymarket, where beatings are the order of the day; it's a gift there.There, guests won't make out with you without first beating you up.Don't you believe it can be so bad in there?You might as well take the time to see it, you might see it for yourself.Once, during Chinese New Year, I saw a girl at the gate.Because she howled too much after being beaten, the people inside teased her, pushed her outside the door, let her get a little cold outside, pushed her out and closed the door again.At nine o'clock the next morning, she was completely drunk, disheveled, disheveled, half-naked, and bruised.Her face was smeared with powder, and her eyes were all bruised; her nose was bleeding, and her teeth were bleeding; it was a coachman who had just beaten her to fix her.She was sitting on the stone steps, holding a salted fish in her hand; she was crying loudly, telling her "fate", and beating the steps with the salted fish while talking.And beside the steps, a large group of coachmen and drunken soldiers surrounded her, teasing her.Don't you believe that you will end up like this?I don't want to believe it either, but how do you know, perhaps, ten or eight years ago, this girl with salted fish in her hand - when she came here from somewhere, wasn't she also as delicate and innocent as a little angel And pure? She doesn't know what evil is, and she blush every time she says a word.Maybe it's the same as you now, with strong self-esteem and angry at every turn. Unlike other girls, she looks like a princess. She knows that the man who falls in love with her and is loved by her will be extremely happy.You see, what happened?If, when that drunken, disheveled girl was beating the dirty steps with salted fish, if at this moment she thought of her old days, when she was still living at home, at school, and the boys next door Then he waited for her on the way, and promised her that he would love her all his life, and that he would hand over his destiny to her. They both agreed to love each other forever, and they would get married when they grew up!How would she feel when she thought of those years?no lisa.If you can be there, in some corner of the basement, like the girl who died of consumption very quickly, like that girl not long ago, you are blessed, blessed.Didn't you say you were going to the hospital?Of course it's good to take you there, but you owe money to the madam, why won't the madam let you go?Consumption is such a disease; it is different from fever.The man who was ill had hope until the last moment, and said he was fine.self comfort.This is right in the arms of the madam.Don't worry, that's it; that is, you sold your soul, and you owe money, so you can't even say no.And you are going to die, everyone abandons you, everyone ignores you, because what good can you get from you?They will also accuse you, saying that you took their place for nothing, and you are not going to die soon.I want to drink saliva, but I can't beg for it. Even if I give it to you, I will curse and say, "You bitch, when will you die; you can't sleep because of the noise - humming, the guests are annoying you." ’ That’s true, I’ve heard it with my own ears.They'd put you on the verge of death in one of the most disgusting corners of the basement—dark and damp; you lay there all alone, and what were you thinking about while you were lying there?You are dead—others come to collect the body in a hurry, chattering and appearing very impatient—no one blesses you, no one sighs for you, and they just want to quickly unload your burden from their shoulders.Buy a broken coffin and carry it out, just like that poor girl today, and then go to the tavern to pay homage to you.The grave is full of muddy water, dirt, wet snow--what kindness to you. ’ Just leave her down, Wanyuha; look, it’s a hard life, doesn’t that girl just slip down with her feet up, all the same.Gather the rope, daredevil. ''That's it, pull it down. ''Pull down what?Look, she is still sideways.She is human after all, right?Okay, bury it. 'Because of you, they don't bother to curse.Bury it with some wet and black mud as soon as possible, and go to the tavern... Your visit to the world is over, no one remembers you; others have children to the grave, parents, husbands, and you —No tears, no sighs, no sacrifices, no one, no one.No one in all the world will visit your grave; your name will be wiped from the face of the earth—and so, as if there had never been a person like you, never born!Surrounded by mud and swamps, every midnight, the dead will sit up, even if you knock on the lid of your coffin: 'Good people, let me live a few more years in this world!I've lived—but not a good life, all my life I've been used as a tablecloth; all my life I've been drunk in Haymarket taverns; good people, let me live again in the world A few years! ...'"

I spoke impassionedly, so excited that I almost choked up, so... I stopped suddenly, I raised my body in fear, turned my head sideways in fear, my heart was pounding, and I began to listen.I was embarrassed, not without reason. I had a hunch, I turned her whole heart over, I broke her heart, and the more I feel good about it, the more I want to get my way fast and as strongly as possible .Playing the scene, the play fascinates me; but it's not just the play... I know that I speak too nervously, too contrived, and even too bookish. In short, I will not do anything other than "as if to follow the scriptures".But this did not make me ashamed; for I knew, I had a presentiment, that she would listen to me, and this bookishness only served my purpose the more.But now that the effect has been achieved, I suddenly become frightened.No, I have never seen such despair!She lay on her stomach, buried her face tightly in the pillow, and hugged the pillow with her hands.It was as if her heart had been torn apart.Her whole young body trembled like a convulsion.The wailing accumulated in her chest squeezed her, tore her, and suddenly burst into wailing and screaming.So she buried her head deeper into the pillow: she didn't want anyone here, not even a living person, to know the pain and tears in her heart.She bit the pillow until her arm bled (I saw it later), or clung her fingers to the messy braids of her hair, resisted, remained still, held her breath, and clenched her teeth.I was about to say something to her, to ask her to be quiet, but I didn't feel like I dared, so suddenly I shuddered, jumped out of bed, groping, almost in terror, dressed hastily and picked up Something, I want to get out of here quickly.It's dark in the room: no matter how hard I try, I just can't get dressed quickly.Suddenly I found a box of matches and a candlestick with a whole unused candle in it.As soon as the candle light illuminated the room, Lisa suddenly jumped up and sat up, with a distorted face and a half-crazed smile on her face, almost looking at me absent-mindedly.I sat beside her and took her two hands; she came to her senses and threw herself on me, wanting to hug me, but she didn't dare, so she quietly lowered her head in front of me.

"Lisa, my friend, I shouldn't... please forgive me," I said, but she shook both my hands so hard that I knew right away that I was wrong, and I closed my mouth . "This is my address, Lisa, please come to my house when you are free." "I'll come..." she whispered firmly, still not looking up. "Then I'm leaving now, goodbye... goodbye." I rose, and she rose, flushed suddenly, and shivering, and snatched up the shawl that lay on the table, and threw it over her shoulders up to her chin.After she finished this, she seemed to smile slightly in pain, blushed, and looked at me strangely.I felt a dull pain in my heart; I hurried away, hurried away.

"Wait a minute," she said suddenly. She had already reached the hall and was almost at the door. She reached out and grabbed my coat to tell me to stop. She hurriedly put down the candle and ran back—probably remembered something, or wanted to put Show me something.When she ran back, her face was flushed and affectionate, and there was a smile on her mouth-what's the matter?I had to wait for her; and in a little while she came back, as if she were begging my pardon for something.In short, this is no longer the face and demeanor just now—the original demeanor was melancholy, distrustful, and stubborn.Now her demeanor was beseeching, soft, trusting, affectionate, and timid at the same time.Children often look at people in this way when they love someone and ask something from him.Her eyes were a light chestnut, very beautiful and lively, and in them reflected both love and dark hate.

She didn't explain anything to me—as if I were some high god who should know everything without explaining—she handed me a piece of paper.At this moment her whole face glowed with a most innocent, almost childlike joy.I opened it and took a look.It was a letter from some medical student or something--a flowery, but very respectful courtship letter.I don't remember the exact words now, but I do remember clearly that behind the sublime and flowery words there was a truth which cannot be feigned.When I finished reading, I met her eager, curious, and childlike eyes looking at me.Her eyes were fixed on my face, waiting impatiently—what on earth would I say?She explained to me hurriedly, in a few words, but somewhat cheerfully, as if proudly, that she was at a dance somewhere, at a family home, and they were all "very well They are people with families", and they "know nothing, nothing at all", because she is only here for the first time, she is just playing on the occasion... She has not made up her mind to stay until the The debt is paid off, and I must go..." I met this college student there, and he danced and talked with her all night. It turned out that he was still in Riga and knew her when he was very young. , used to play together, but it was a long time ago--he knew her parents, but he didn't know anything about it, and never had the slightest doubt! So at the after-prom The next day (that's three days ago) he delivered the letter through one of her girlfriends who went to the party with her ... and ... well, that's the whole story."

When she finished speaking, she lowered her affectionate eyes as if a little shy. Poor she kept this college student's letter like a treasure, and ran to get her only treasure. She didn't want me to leave without knowing that there are people who loved her sincerely, and others respected her have spoken.Presumably, this letter was destined to be placed in her small box without further details.But anyway, I believe that she will cherish this letter for the rest of her life, and treat it as a treasure, as her pride and self-justification. A letter, she wants to take it to be naively proud of her in front of me, to restore her true colors in my mind, so that I can see it too, and let me praise her a few words.I didn't say anything, shook her hand and walked out.I really want to get out of here quickly... I walked all the way, even though it was raining and snowing, I was still walking.I was exhausted, depressed and confused.But behind this confusion has revealed a real light.This hateful truth!