Chapter 42 Lesson 14 "Extramarital Affair" Research

Regardless of overt or hidden motives, affairs often fall into one of the following eight forms. 1 Resurgent affair Marriage experts generally believe that the relationship between husband and wife enters the "dangerous period after marriage" after the short "love fantasy period" and "enthusiasm realization period" after marriage.Therefore, even the most loving couples sometimes look at each other and hate each other.If there is a chance to meet the former lover again, it is very likely that the old relationship will rekindle.In fact, living with an old lover may not be better than the present, it is just a blind obsession with the lost old love.

2 Compensatory Affair Most of these men and women feel that there is something unsatisfactory about their spouse: the husband thinks that his wife only knows how to buy and cook all day long and lacks interest in life. When he meets a poetic woman, he can't help but fall in love with her The refined and refined; the wife thinks that her husband lacks talent, and she is infatuated with the kind of talented and ambitious man. 〗3 Denial of an affair No matter how the spouse asks and investigates, although there are clues, if there is no actual evidence, the cheater will often say: "I love you so much, how is it possible?" or "You are less neurotic."

4 Quiet affairs Some men keep their wives a secret, dating other women and showing affection for their wives.If she hadn't confessed herself, the wife would have been kept in the dark. 5 blatant affair This is one of the most painful forms many wives face.The cheater thinks he has made the most reasonable and fair arrangement, that is, at the wife's place on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and at the third party's place on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.And then—do as he pleases. 6 Never Returning Affair The cheater and the third party live and fly together, completely abandoning the family.

7 Flirtatious affairs This form is naturally playful, there is no fixed third party, even if there is, you can also communicate with multiple opposite sexes at the same time, and the relationship is complicated. 8 The prodigal son turns his back on an affair After a period of passionate love, the cheater still chooses to "go home" and rebuild the family relationship with his wife. No matter which form of the above appears, it will cause great harm to the family structure, husband and wife relationship, and parent-child relationship. Think negatively—the family may face disintegration; think positively—the family has Great opportunity to regroup.

Due to work reasons or the separation of the two places, some husbands are often away from their wives.If such a husband lacks a sense of family responsibility, does not care for his wife, and does not often write letters to express his missing feelings, over time, the relationship between husband and wife will inevitably become more and more indifferent, and the wife will feel lonely and have no spiritual sustenance.At this time, if they meet a suitable opposite sex, both parties will lose the ability to resist temptation, leading to an affair. 1 Resentment Sexual life is a very important content in the life of husband and wife.If the spouse neglects to give warmth to the other party because of sexual dysfunction, or because he is busy pursuing his career all day long, or the husband is greedy for drinking and sex outside, he cannot meet the normal physiological needs of the wife.

2 lost psychology This kind of psychology is more common in people who lack understanding before marriage, fall in love at first sight, and get married hastily;After living together for a long time after marriage, you gradually discover that the other party has many bad habits or certain physical defects.In this case, it is easy to have a sense of psychological loss, which leads to dissatisfaction. 3 Standard Psychology Some men marry women they don't like for a certain purpose. Because the wife and husband lack a relationship foundation, once the purpose is achieved, they will feel that the wife is old or ugly, and either ends in divorce or "holds another lute".

4 revenge psychology Some wives are unfaithful to their husbands and have an affair outside. Once the matter is revealed, it often leads to an unhappy ending.If the husband's consideration is not proper, he may have a revenge mentality in anger: Since you can flirt outside, why can't I find sustenance? 5 superior psychology Some husbands have higher education than their wives, or their status is higher than their wives. If the wives are unwilling to be proactive, it is easy for the husband to "hate iron for being weak" and feel that his wife is not good enough for him.Therefore, a husband with better conditions than his wife in all aspects is more likely to have extramarital affairs, because there are likely to be women who are better than you around him.

In view of the above situation, in order to improve the quality of marriage, both husband and wife should understand the various psychological trajectories of the affair, strengthen communication, start from themselves, adjust the relationship between husband and wife in time, so that it can be continuously sublimated.In this way, the stability of the family and the happiness of marriage can be guaranteed. The phenomenon of middle-aged men having affairs has been on the rise in recent years.This is closely related to the psychological characteristics of middle-aged men. 40 years old, the ancients hailed it as "the year of no confusion", while poets likened it to a person entering a "charming age" in the long river of life.

These two conclusions just sum up the main characteristics of a mature middle-aged man: they have basically overcome the childishness and fanaticism of young people. With the enrichment of experience and the sublimation of knowledge, they have both talent and knowledge. calm and reasonable Judging the situation wisely.This kind of psychological maturity has led some of them to continue to emerge in their careers, and to direct a series of successful dramas with wonderful performances on the stage of life. Therefore, if the original relationship between husband and wife is not renewed, middle-aged men will enter a stage of emotional confusion.

This kind of emotional confusion comes not only from the outside, but also from the inner world of men. From the outside, although middle-aged men do not have an advantage in age, their career and social status will arouse the envy of women. And chic demeanor, also attracted the attention of women.They will not be overly excited and extreme like young men. Their ups and downs have made them mature and understand the psychological characteristics of women. They can show the demeanor of a real man in both work and life.Maybe they are not like young men who can catch a woman's heart at once, but when middle-aged men come into contact with women, they tend to show their charm more. Although it is unintentional, it is a kind of temptation for some women who want to dream .

Naturally, a man's affair is mainly related to the man's unbalanced mentality. A man who marries prematurely is often blind to the judgment of love. Only then did I really know the woman. After the fantasy love is replaced by the real marriage, all the troubles in life will be manifested.Some women are naturally fragile and love to act like a baby, but they can't manage a house and don't know how to be considerate to their husbands.A good wife should also be a good assistant to her husband in his career, but many beautiful young women are not only not good assistants, but also keep causing many new troubles for their husbands.And once the gluey life of the newlyweds comes to an end, the idol in the man's mind will be completely broken.When a man is confused, he will devote more energy to the outside world, so that once he meets a woman who understands him, he may have new emotional entanglements with her. At the same time, it should also be noted that men's search for an affair is also related to the psychological characteristics of human beings who seek to change their minds and pursue novelty.When men are looking for a female partner, there is often a fixed pattern. A man likes a slim girl before marriage, but after marriage he yearns for a rich and plump woman.Likewise, a man who likes plump women suddenly becomes interested in thinner women.In some families, because the husband and wife are not harmonious in their sexual life, the man finds another new love.Rather than saying that it is a physical need, it is better to say that the psychological first has a sense of boredom with the original family, and this boredom and dissatisfaction has led to a man taking a dangerous step in life. A man's affair is mostly due to changes in his social status and economic strength.Because middle-aged men are proud of their careers and are on the rise, some of them will have emotional transfers, and they will have ambiguous relationships with their subordinates, such as female secretaries and female clerks. This kind of power affair often leads to Evil consequences.There are also men who make a fortune in business, full of food and lust, and many households with ten thousand yuan destroy their families and enter the abyss. It is this kind of economic affair.These two kinds of affairs are not based on feelings. Most of the women who have affairs with them sell their bodies out of greed for status, power and money. Naturally, they can't last long, but they have a bad impact on society and families. Even more complicated than these two phenomena of infidelity is emotional infidelity.When a middle-aged man gets the love of another woman due to a relationship crisis between husband and wife (a middle-aged man is favored by a young woman, he will feel younger, this is a psychological effect), he and her may not have happened. Physical relationship, but emotionally attracted to each other.But because he has his own family and children, he can't get rid of the original family shackles, and he can't temporarily dispel his new emotional sustenance, so the problem of having an affair is more complicated to solve. Therefore, I would like to advise young married women that if you want to maintain the integrity of your family, you need to adjust your psychological structure in the decades after marriage.After a young girl becomes a wife, she needs to make efforts in roughly three aspects. First, you are women of the new era, not mechanical tools for men.You should welcome the arrival of the second puberty, maintain a fresh appearance, and maintain an innovative personality. A middle-aged man needs a beautiful housewife, and more importantly, a woman who is always attractive to him.Not grooming is the performance of self-destructive youth, without personality will eventually lose the charm of women. Second, you should get rid of your willfulness as a girl and become a housewife who can manage the house.Middle-aged men value a woman more than just her looks.Western European men often pay attention to family skills when choosing their wives. If you didn't learn it when you were a girl, you should make up this lesson after marriage. Third, a gentle woman is a lovely woman.In the emotional world, women should not be too picky, too sensitive, too exaggerated, too contrived, and too particular about vanity, as these will lead to men's boredom.Learning to understand a man's troubles in life is the greatest consideration for a husband.The art of a wife is to master the degree of control over her husband. Too loose or too strict will lead to centrifugal force in the husband.The phenomenon of having an affair is an extremely hidden and complicated problem in the emotional world of a man.To solve this problem requires not only legal and moral constraints, but more importantly, through the discussion of human civilization, emotional and psychological problems, to find the ideal guiding method.It is the wife's irresistible responsibility to solve the man's emotional entanglement.A smart woman should be clearly aware of the importance of this issue when choosing a spouse, and a married young woman should read and explore the existing marriage as a new textbook.Only by preventing erroneous things from happening psychologically, allowing men to preserve the aftertaste of honeymoon in the emotional world, and constantly update the emotional connotation, can the flower of love always bloom and renew, and bear happy fruits of love. There are two young and beautiful young women who used to be good friends and got married on the same day. Ms. A worships literature and marries a young poet; Ms. B pays attention to practicality and becomes the wife of a wealthy man.On the day of the wedding, Mrs. A invited literary friends and poets, celebrities from all walks of life, and the wedding was very decent and brilliant; Ms. B was not to be outdone, and relying on her husband's family's wealth, the wedding was held grandly and luxuriously.The two ladies each stole the show.The years are like a dream, and five years later, they meet again, but they no longer have the feeling of competing for superiority and inferiority in the past. They are pouring out their misfortunes and telling each other; if I knew today, why bother. According to the survey, this kind of psychological phenomenon is by no means individual. After many women get married, they express dissatisfaction with the existing love relationship.According to a survey report by relevant parties in Shanghai, the proportion of women filing for divorce is significantly higher than that of men.In some families, even though it seems to be calm on the surface, the actual wife is not faithful to her husband. Because of the depreciation of love in her mind, if she meets a man worthy of love, she will not hesitate to devote herself to the life of another opposite sex. in the arms.Although this type of "love affair" is seldom known, it cannot but arouse the attention of husbands. Some people attribute the social phenomenon of women having affairs to my country's open policy, saying that this is a shock to China's original family structure caused by the opening of Western sex.Although there is some basis for this statement, it ignores the basic characteristics of human psychology and the unique laws of married women's psychology.Here we might as well make a specific analysis of the problem of women's affairs. First of all, women value love psychologically more than men.A Western expert on marriage once commented on women: "Most of them choose the former rather than the latter in terms of love and career." Whether it is Anna Karelina or Madame Bovary, they Both emphasize that women live for love.But men are different. They value their careers after marriage, and most of them lose their enthusiasm for their wives, which makes their wives feel a sense of loss in love.A woman who becomes a wife still hopes that her husband will pamper her as he did before marriage, accompany her on walks and play love games.But reality often casts a shadow over young women's longing, which is one of the important factors for them to have dissatisfaction. Secondly, the influence of human beings on women is no less than that on men, but women's lives were relatively closed in the past.And once the open door is opened today, women will become sensitive and lively psychologically.They are not like women in the 1950s and 1960s who had to have several children, but the popularity of household electrical appliances freed women from heavy housework, coupled with the implementation of beauty and cosmetics, they began to desire to have a first child like Western European women. With the arrival of the second puberty, they begin to pay attention to grooming and grooming. Women's grooming and grooming used to be only for their husbands, but now they are for more people.A woman's natural vanity will make her easy to accept compliments from other men.They begin to make more friends, including friends of the opposite sex. Once the eye-opening young women find that their husbands are slightly inferior in all aspects in comparison, they will feel a sense of regret psychologically.When a young girl becomes a young woman, her psychology, like her physiology, will become more and more mature. Some women who are unwilling to be lonely will feel the failure of their first love. If there is a new opportunity in social life, they will never let it go. . Again, when a young girl chooses a partner, she often pays attention to his appearance first, but a young woman looks at a man's talent and social status.Their choice of love is more realistic and comprehensive.Many families are broken up today because the wives dislike their husbands for being worthless, or they are mediocre at work, or they are financially poor, and material temptations can also make some young women fall in love.Many women have excessive pursuit of material performance. It can be seen from this that the alienation of women after marriage is not only the temptation of the outside world, but mainly the psychological changes of young women.Ms. Merle Thain, a famous Canadian psychologist, believes that this period of time is a period of confusion for women after marriage.Of course, this period is different for every woman. Some appear in the third to fifth years of marriage, and some appear after 10 years of marriage. Although women are dissatisfied with their husbands and have dissatisfaction with their own men, this marriage relationship is still maintained, because women are not only wives, but also mothers.On the one hand, she wants to jump out of the original family to dream a new romantic dream, but on the other hand, her mother's love and existing family relationship force her to return to reality.As a result, the phenomenon of married women having affairs appeared.And women caught in this kind of emotional crisis are also in a dilemma. French psychologist Simone de Beauvoir wrote a book "What is a Woman".She delicately analyzed the inner confusion of the young woman.She believes that the problem of women's affairs is not entirely about sexual attraction, "Although some women do arouse their wife's curiosity because of the sexual love between husband and wife, if they fail to satisfy her, she may complete her sex on someone else's bed." Sex education.” But men should understand that the vast majority of women are not Pan Jinlian or Lady Chatterley, some of them long for a lover, but are fascinated by the fact that they whisper to women or listen to them patiently Confess that they don't regard sex as a mechanical task like their husbands.This new temptation leads them astray. Therefore, a man who has become a husband should realize that you want to make your wife faithful to you, and you must not regard marriage as the last act of love.You should appreciate your wife. You should arrange your married life a little more novelly to satisfy women's curiosity and break down the indifferent relationship between husband and wife.You should also let your wife understand that your career is a part of your wife's life pursuit, and you let your wife share with you the joy of your pursuit and the failure together.If your wife agrees with you not only materially, but also spiritually, you are a competent husband.Men long for a gentle wife, but women also long for the delicate and gentle feelings of their husbands.It is a pity that many husbands do not do well in this respect. A husband should understand that helping his wife out of confusion is an important task in maintaining a happy family.We yearn for a heart-to-heart connection, not a bedfellow.To do this, a man needs to spend some energy, of course, more importantly, you are choosing a When a woman is your wife, do you really understand her vanity.Women with excessive vanity are often prone to disagreement.Men must "do what they can" when telling their partners before marriage, boasting too much, or slapping their faces to pretend to be fat, that is, giving The wife's future affairs provided a hidden fuse. Men, open your eyes to see a real marriage, or close your eyes to imagine a beautiful love, it depends on whether you really know your wife.Although most married young women will fall into the post-marital confusion stage consciously or unconsciously, their coping methods are completely different.Only one thing is the same, that is, you must regard your wife as your lover.If men think that love is done once they get married, then your emotional negligence is the most important factor that causes your wife to have a different heart. I hope every man will consciously realize this. Some people say that when one of the husband and wife is having an affair, the person who knows the latest is often the one who should know the earliest.In fact, people are always people. When your husband has cheated psychologically or in behavior and is no longer faithful to you, there will always be clues to look for.The following summarizes some common manifestations of cheaters for your reference.The most important thing is that you have to observe carefully and understand with your heart. You can neither ignore important changes in your husband, but also avoid turmoil, chaos, and mediocrity. (1) He is away from home most of the time, and his attention to home is significantly reduced; (2) When you call him, it is difficult to reach him; (3) When at home, he is restless; (4) When the husband and wife are together, they talk less and less; (5) Suddenly "working overtime" a lot; (6) The name of a colleague or friend is suddenly mentioned in his mouth, and a frequently mentioned name is suddenly avoided; (7) often inadvertently say that he has a good impression of a certain woman; (8) He is suddenly very concerned about you, very gentle, and overheated; (9) Start to say some opinions and jokes that are not like what he usually says; (10) At home, he rushes to answer the phone faster than you, and often talks in a low voice, or hesitates, or avoids family members; while you often receive calls that are silent or dialed wrong; (11) He suddenly wants to exercise; (12) He suddenly and abnormally pays attention to clothing, such as wearing a bright tie; (13) His expenses are higher than usual, and he can't tell where the expenses go; (14) Travel alone with female colleagues; (15) Close teacher-student relationship; (16) I am indifferent to you, and have less and less sex life; (17) Suddenly asked to do some new lovemaking skills; (18) Stop calling your nickname when having sex; (19) Appears to be more competitive in disputes; (20) Picking at your mistakes in daily life has increased significantly more than usual. Capture the "red light" signal in time 1 Appearance Usually, whether it is a husband or a wife, if they have an affair, they must suddenly pay attention to their appearance, figure, and clothing.The husband, who usually doesn’t use perfume, suddenly returns home fragrant; the wife, who has always been a yellow-faced woman, is suddenly keen to lose weight and buys a lot of new clothes.A middle-aged husband or wife suddenly pretends to be young on purpose, wearing plaid shirts and girly clothes; and is very mysterious about the clothes, changing clothes immediately after returning home, the purpose is to hide the smell of women's perfume Or man's cigarette smell. 2 look at the time Excuses that you have to work later, or suddenly have more entertainment, and often go home very late, but you can’t give a credible reason, which may be a sign of an affair.Or, suddenly care too much about the other party's schedule, and ask clearly about when the spouse does what, when to go on business, when to work overtime, and when to go home, it is likely to use the time when the spouse is busy and sympathize with the date , or afraid of accidentally bumping into your spouse on a date, so you have to find out the other person's routine first. 3 listen to the phone Suddenly there was a strange phone call. When I answered it, the other party dared not make a sound, or immediately said "wrong number" and hung up. The voice obviously belonged to the same person.Or, the spouse often sneaks out to call a public phone with an excuse, or hides to make a phone call. When someone enters the room, he looks upset and immediately hangs up the phone. This is likely to be a sympathizer on the phone.Or, when you receive a call and see your spouse present, you have a strange expression, hang up after a few words in a hurry, it may be a call from your lover. 4 experiential In some couples, after having an affair, the sexual relationship between the couple stops altogether.Another situation is that the frequency of making love is likely to be the same, but the quality has changed in name only, only in form, but without connotative emotion.This kind of sexual relationship can be said to be loveless, cold and mechanical. 5 check habits The husband may suddenly start expressing that there is a lot of work in the office and frequent business trips; the wife may neglect housework and start buying ready-made food at the market, because she may have a date with her boyfriend and has no time to prepare dinner. 6 character test Some people are suddenly harsh, critical or indifferent to their spouse, very indifferent.Some people become active, enterprising, confident, in short, different from the past. 7 watch activities Whether it is a husband or a wife, they suddenly become interested in activities that they had no interest in before, such as playing tennis, jogging, group gatherings, etc. Using the activity time to date with sympathizers is the best excuse. 8 look at the cost Suddenly have more expenses than usual, hide bonuses, or borrow money from friends.The wife may cut down the money for vegetables, vegetables and radishes every day, and use the money to buy a lot of new clothes. 9 seek evidence For example, the other party has lipstick on his shirt, two movie tickets of unknown origin in his pocket, friends of the opposite sex eating or walking together, and having a very intimate relationship, etc. Having one or two of the above symptoms does not necessarily mean that the partner is having an affair.If there are certain fixed patterns, there are signs for a period of time, and more than three or four signs appear at the same time, it is time to pay attention to the spouse. It is worth noting that husbands and wives must not be suspicious and disturb themselves.An overly skeptical wife would question her husband's whereabouts every day, search his pockets, and deduct his pocket money. Finally, the husband couldn't bear it, and he would really have an affair. Not even St. Paul said that married women should not talk to other men at parties.Nor is there any husband who tells his wife not to agree to an invitation, lest she do something rash.Instead, he might say when you're planning to go to a meeting: "Your suit is short, your front hair is low, you wear too much makeup, and your look makes you look ridiculous!" Whisper in your voice: "Don't forget to wear a double veil, honey." What he meant was, "Oh my god, you look so pretty, some guy is going to notice you and force you to say yes. ’ But he said, ‘You know what game you’re playing, dressing yourself up like this?’” Dressing up to a party, whether married or unmarried, is never about swatting flies.She was going to try and capture a new man.Is she dressing up just for the man she's already got? Or is she just looking at other people's reactions to him? Married women, especially those who had children, entered another social circle.Of course, they have the right to associate with other men, but, you have to stand your ground. This is bad behavior: you turn your attention to the funniest guy in the party, you've been pestering him the whole party, he's so dazed, it's intolerable, and he's talking to other women.How, on the other hand, can a housewife explore her self outside the home? Their once-evolved, mature selves continue to be coiled in layers of fading girlish shells.Like them, the husband is still lovely.No amount of aerobic activity, political awareness, job promotion, or liposuction can make a man change his mind about his choice of life partner.For married women, the most appropriate way is to talk to the children more during the party until the husband returns to the cloakroom to get the coat together.If a married woman is going to talk to a man, it's better to find someone's grandfather who has a lot of loose teeth, or a husband's male subordinate who is good at storytelling. Married women need to hang out with men, not just for fun.It's ridiculous to say that they judge themselves by the acceptance process of men, and they also measure married women by the acceptance process of women, which is more or less unfair.One expert recounted the case of a widow whose difficult and overbearing husband had wished so much for a peaceful life. Now that his husband had passed away, she sank into sadness and depression.The psychiatrist diagnosed a loss—not of her partner, but of a part of herself.In marriage the normal frictions and differences of character force the partner to sacrifice some of his own taste and individuality to fit; in most marriages the woman sacrifices more than the man to fit.Her husband died, she was left alone, he was gone, and she was only half of herself.Young women, it takes a year and a half to recover the lost half of themselves; older women, usually never recover at all, and either die of depression or become a burden to the family. In addition, women who do not have intercourse outside of marriage will suffer from "age-loss syndrome". In the long process of getting married and having children, many women lose their self-confidence and suffer from "age-loss syndrome". Women who got rid of the shackles of the kitchen also suffered from "age-loss syndrome".Having not had normal conversations with the opposite sex in years, she would look at men at parties with girlish eyes, making it look like she was flirting with him. True flirting is a characteristic of very simple women.The downcast stare, the bobbing of the head and the flipping of the hair, the quick movement of the eyelashes, the crossing of the legs and the crossing of the legs, listening to a man tell a story are all natural charms of women. In the past, flirtations of this kind could bring together a couple; today, they do not have such power.Today, people think that flirting should be expressed as an activity; in addition to the brain sending information, there must be some kind of movement on the body to make it cooperate. Married women are more free to chat with some men in glamorous parties.You don't have to worry about him being too young, or his appearance.You don't plan to keep him for yourself.The most beneficial thing is that you can maintain interesting conversations, get new ideas, let the other party accept you as an experienced person, and get the other party's praise.You can try on your new hairstyle, though your husband hates it; you can show off your bold, comfortable new outfit at a party, even though your husband murmurs dislike.You find out that other men find you attractive, and it doesn't do you any harm.Even if they're judging you, saying you're too fat, talking too loud, etc., it's actually getting their attention.For you, you express your opinion and enjoy being admired. Finally, when the party is over, you have an appreciative husband to accompany you home.Your heart is infinitely happy. A married woman's need for another man helps to alleviate the "passing of age syndrome" that makes a woman need another man. Stage 1: Husband doesn’t care enough for wife, wife starts to complain The husband is in a highly competitive and demanding position.By the time he got home, he was exhausted.He loves his wife but doesn't spend more time spiritually satisfying her. The wife is in a state of spiritual need for the other.She feels alone, suffers from low self-esteem, she cannot find a man sex friends.She stated that she developed a romantic relationship with her husband, but her husband paid no attention.She started nagging or complaining, which made the rift between husband and wife bigger and bigger. The second stage: the husband has little effect in improving the relationship between husband and wife, and the wife feels depressed After a crack in the relationship between husband and wife, the husband will make feeble efforts to improve the relationship, but with little success.Husband still puts too much energy on work. In this case, the wife will experience greater frustration and depression, and gradually develop anger.At home she began to "coerce" her bewildered husband for his neglect. The third stage: the husband continues to ignore the status quo of the wife, and the wife pays special attention to the new man The husband continues to ignore what his wife is going through.His heart is elsewhere.He wished his wife would be happier, but it did not occur to him how much her unhappiness had to do with him. The wife is already in danger due to mental poverty.She is vulnerable to any attractive, suitable man who comes into her life.She felt that this man respected her more and was more attractive than her husband.No inappropriate behavior was detected at this time, but she was already fantasizing about a friendly, intimate relationship with this particular man. The fourth stage: the husband is kept in the dark, and the wife's affair happens quietly The husband remains unaware of any infidelity by the wife.But he may have noticed some abnormal behavior of the other party, but his suspicion has not been aroused yet. The wife's extramarital affairs gradually began.It did not happen all of a sudden, but rather, the adultery slowly developed with more secret trysts and rising friendships.Of course, she felt guilty, but the excitement that came from it was unbelievable.All in all, her husband didn't seem to care.Finally, the sex that changed her life happened. Stage 5: Husband intuitively senses that something is wrong, wife plays two contradictory roles in double norm The man may now, perhaps for the first time, begin to worry about a relationship that has gone sour.He still doesn't have a ton of evidence to back up his suspicions.But he knew intuitively that something had changed.At this stage, his reactions were confused. The wife's sexual illicit behavior is increasing.When she lies, rationalizes her actions, and lives with a double norm, her spiritual life quickly degrades, playing two different roles at the same time when she is giving everything to another person .But she has lost interest in her husband. Stage Six: The husband discovers the wife's affair by accident, and the wife tries to defend herself A wife's extramarital affairs are always discovered, and usually "accidentally".Perhaps a small lie was unwittingly exposed, or an anonymous letter or phone call was received.The husband's first reaction was stunned.He couldn't believe what was happening.He had the most emotional conflict with his wife.This thing is unforgettable for men. After the cheating behavior was exposed, the wife's sense of guilt and embarrassment was hidden behind her reasonable explanation for the behavior and her recrimination against her husband.She will not admit to anything she has not revealed.Depending on how much evidence her husband has, she may continue to lie and deny at this stage. Stage 7: Husband's jealousy burns and wife begins to decide whether to heal or separate The pain experienced by this husband became intense.He had never experienced such pressure in his life.Jealousy burned in his heart as he thought of all that his wife had done while staying with her lover.He feels anger, guilt, love, hate, despair, and so on.Maybe he will punch his wife. The cheating wife faces a fork in the road between separation and reunion.When the emotional confrontation between couples she sparked occurred, some women decided not to sacrifice their families but to make peace with their husbands.Others decide to have their own way and leave home to live with new lovers.There are also some women who continue to cheat with their lovers after their cheating behavior is exposed.But at this time, because of her concern for her child and guilt towards her husband, she discovered her lover's flaws and faults for the first time.Sex with her lover was still exciting, but it didn't thrill her like it used to.Romantic dreams began to fade.She faces a painful and contradictory final choice. 第八阶段：丈夫愤怒的情绪开始缓和下来，双方决定离婚 人的内心无法长期忍受那搅动人心的颓丧与悲哀。强有力的男人这时会采取行动保护自己，摆脱绝望并暗中求得稳定。这时，丈夫对伤害了他的妻子隐藏着一种强烈的却又是平静的敌意。他不再为已经发生的一切承担责任，不再觉得她背叛了他。现在他不再要求妻子回心转意。他开始鼓起勇气振作起来。 妻子终于与丈夫作出了离婚的决定。双方为财产分割、孩子归属等问题扯皮。双方恶语中伤、泪流满面。这时，在夜晚入睡前夕，这个女子也许扪心自问：“我做了什么啊!” 第九阶段：受到伤害的丈夫会变得冷漠无情，另结连理的妻子感受到新的困惑 这个男人逐渐想方设法摆脱苦难与悲哀，变得冷漠与无动于衷。他很可能会重婚。但他会再次在工作中失去他自己，并且砰然关上通往过去的大门。 当这些事一一展开，过去之后，她就与她的新情人结为夫妻。在一段时间内，生活是激动人心的。但最终，生活又变得跟她的第一次婚姻那样，强烈的震颤与刺激过后，每日的生活再一次一成不变，单调乏味。新的婚姻也许成功，也许会因为原来对爱侣的不忠实而变得更为艰难。 有一对夫妻结婚才两年，却也为婚姻伤透了心。丈夫是大学教员，妻子是舞蹈演员，他们是经人介绍结婚的。他对她可以说是一见钟情，但女方却有点不冷不热。结婚后，俩人的感情慢慢开始融洽，他们共同营建了一个还算温馨的家。 不料，一个偶然的机会，丈夫发现他的妻子在外有一个男朋友。那是她的初恋情人，也是舞蹈演员，由于她父母的坚决反对，才最终选择了后来的丈夫。知道这事后，丈夫跟踪过 、调查过，但始终没有勇气把它挑明。只是感觉一切似乎都变得不真实。他内心痛苦极了，不知道该怎么办。 遇到这样的问题的确让人苦恼，男人有时只是外表的强者，内心却对家、对妻子格外地依赖。妻子有外遇，一般的男人会有强烈的情绪反应。从不相信、猜疑到确信，这阶段将伴随着痛苦、愤怒、迁怒，也许会做出一些不够冷静的事情。你对妻子的一切言行都不再相信，把错误都归于对方，似乎你有权斥责她、警告她、伤害她。但也许会变成另外的一种人，做出全副武装样子来保护自己已经受伤的心，这时家庭就像一个硝烟弥漫的战场。 但作为丈夫最好不要这样做，你的情绪反应说明你还爱着她，而你的表现却似乎是在厌恶她，赶她走。如果你的确控制不住情绪，你不妨和妻子分开一段日子，给自己也给你的妻子一个可以安静思考的时间。你可以想一想你自己的原因，你们的个性、习惯、爱好乃至性生活方面等由来已久的问题。也许这些原因你早已心知肚明，只是羞于说出。 你要分析你妻子婚外情感的深度，是异性间的友谊相知，还是一种恋情。你也要回忆你和妻子在一起的日子，相亲相爱的经历，看这种情爱在你们之间的分量还有多重。 经过冷静的思考，你不妨采取两种态度： 1积极态度 你应主动向你妻子表明你依然爱她和需要她，承认世界上任何事情包括自尊都无法与家庭的重要性相提并论。你不妨对她说让她再给你一个机会，你决定要重新改变自己，消除你们之间的误与隔阂，重燃爱情之火。 这种态度显示出你人格的成熟、你始终如一的责任感与进取精神，同时也能看出你的宽容大度、善良。这样，你即使没有赢回你的妻子，也会让你今后可能重获家庭的幸福。 2消极态度 你寄希望于你的妻子回心转意，希望她向你忏悔，请求你的原谅与宽恕。你总是在等待，有时靠想像来给自己壮胆。你可能会说一些诸如“你离开我肯定会后悔”之类很虚的话，却不敢承认你非常需要她。 然而，这种态度有时会让你陷入一种抑郁情结，你不再自信，你开始自我否定，认为自己一无是处，生命好像失去了意义。你会感觉事事艰难，从而逃避你的生活、你的责任，你变成了一个生活的弱者。 当然不管是采取积极态度还是消极态度，你都不一定能重新赢得她。不要沮丧，要知道生命只有一次的意义，对你对她都一样重要，你的妻子有选择自己生活的权利，这是人权的核心体现。你毕竟曾经拥有过她，你们相处的日子永远是你生命内涵的一部分，想到这点，你失落的内心是否会好受一些? 最不可取的是那种暴戾的态度，以为妻子是你个人所有，你即使得不到她的心也决不让她得到幸福，这种双方两败俱伤的事最好不去做。 发现丈夫不忠，就要判定他是本性风流多情，喜于寻花问柳，还是一时误入迷途。不同的情形，有不同的对策。要理智冷静地去处理，切忌大吵大闹，弄得满城风雨。否则，会在客观上把丈夫往情人那里推。 在发现丈夫有这方面的问题后，如果是立足帮助和挽救，那么应该做到以下几点： 1寻找丈夫外遇的原因 可以说：“我很清楚地知道了你在外面有了一个情人，这使我很伤心，希望你冷静地考虑这样做的严重后果。” 如果对方承认有这么一回事，你就给他一个解释的机会，问他对你、对家庭有什么不满之处，而使他感情转移。 寻找毛病是否出自家庭生活之中，例如你是否花了太多的时间在工作、朋友或孩子身上而把他忽视了?你们的性生活和谐吗?你们之间的浪漫感情是否褪色了? 在生活上应更加对他体贴关怀，使他感到这个家庭仍是温暖的，是不能舍弃和破裂的。 2摸清他与第三者的感情 了解丈夫和另一个女人的性关系程度，叫人十分伤心，但是，这是你决定是否与丈夫重修旧好的重要因素。如果丈夫是持续很久的严重的私通，表明丈夫的情爱和性需要，已在婚姻中明显得不到满足。要是丈夫只是偶尔的一两次逢场作戏，通常是男性暂时受诱惑时做的事，不能反映他对婚姻的满足程度。 3搞清丈夫让你发觉他外遇的目的 丈夫的私通有意向你公开，通常有两种情形。一种是丈夫有预谋，有意让你发现。这表明丈夫已对你无所谓了，要求分手。另一种情形则是丈夫对婚姻不满，希望引起妻子的嫉妒与关注。如果可能是后一种情形的话，婚姻还可以挽救和改善。如果是前一类情况，则基本不可挽救。 4能否原谅他 夫妻双方决定复好的时候，都有重要的责任。丈夫的责任包括：终止婚外情，表示悔意，努力工作，有耐心地赢得妻子的信任。妻子的主要责任是：原谅他。如果不原谅，保持婚姻的稳定是不可能的。妻子如仍有敌意，揪住这件事不放，会促使丈夫继续寻求婚外情。如果你已决定让丈夫回到身边，就应将他的婚外情看做是过去了的事。不能总记在心里，常提及此事。如做不到这一点，则不要答复和好。 5寻求外援 我们既然承认自己是“人”，一定有人的缺点与弱点，一定会面临困境。碰以困难时，寻求帮助，是很自然的。 如果你很幸运地碰到有经验的婚姻专家或心理专家，他们的专业训练，绝对有助于将问题看得更清楚。他们能帮你分析、考虑事情的多面性。当然，最后的选择或决定得由你自己做。但在探讨问题的过程中，有人以专业态度提供帮助，绝对有用。 如果你的生活环境不容易碰到这种人，可找值得信赖的长辈、亲戚、朋友，给你提供意见。但注意不要随便向朋友诉苦，他们在无意之中可能将你的问题传播，以至弄得得四邻皆知，不仅不能给你任何帮助，反倒给你增加一层来自社会的压力。 既然婚外恋是源于对婚姻现状的不满与当事人道德、意志的缺损，那么，改善婚姻现状和提高当事人的道德修养便成了防备和处理婚外恋的重要环节。既然婚外恋是当事人对婚姻现状不满的产物，那么当事人虽是罪魁祸首，但受害人也不能说一些责任也没有。虽然婚外恋的当事人背地里干出了对不住配偶的事，但他们对配偶的爱情之火并没完全熄灭，所以，亡羊仍可补牢。 要解救濒于破裂的婚姻自然比摧毁它艰苦很多。不过只要双方都有重建感情的愿望或基础，则及早发现外遇的先兆就极为重要了。对此婚姻问题专家提供了下列建议： ——树立配偶第一的原则。不管你关心什么——事业、孩子或家庭，都应牢记；在所有关系中配偶应处于第一优先的地位，主要的业余时间和努力应花在夫妇关系上。 ——目标应现实。哪对夫妇总幻想追求逝去的新婚时的欢乐，他们的关系便会出现微妙的裂隙。这并不是说爱情会永远消逝或性生活不再激动人心，而是说不能用新婚时的标准来衡量多年的夫妇关系。现实的眼光会使夫妇发现多年的关系反倒更充实。 ——生活应充满变化。一位证券经纪人说：“我一直想让妻子理解我，需要她更多的注意与爱抚。有时我几乎是在恳求她摸摸我，但她总是改变话题。”夫妇间的关系应当像流水，充满变化，已经冷淡了的关系重建起来需要时日，但值得为之努力。双方应从互相关心、互相注视开始，这样便会促进相互的爱抚，性生活也将成为有意义的示爱的行为，双方也会燃起对爱情的新追求。 ——避开有争议的观点。在家政管理上，在经济开支方面，夫妻间可能会出现分歧。当出现分歧时，夫妇间应有意避开在这类观点上的交锋，否则便会陷入“争执——争吵——感情淡化——争吵加剧”这样一种恶性循环中。夫妇间如有一方能认识到导致矛盾爆发的焦点并有意淡化它，情感便得以交融，关系将趋于和谐。 基于上述的原则，有情人携手步进婚姻的殿堂后，就应该在共同实现家庭职能的并肩战斗中，互尊互敬，互亲互爱，互帮互助，共同提高对婚姻的道德意识和对家庭的责任意识，共同致力于夫妻关系的调适。若如此，婚外恋就失去了滋生的土壤。 配偶一旦坠入婚外恋，明智的办法是：“出口转内销”，和风细雨，交流思想，解决问题。回忆当初，哪对夫妻都有一段令人陶醉与向往的日子，只是时间的长与短而已；检讨当前，分析矛盾与冲突的根由，各作自我批评；展望未来，探讨夫妻重新契合的途径。这样做的目的，在于用加倍温暖的心去弥合对方心田的创伤，去唤回对方的离散之心。“拉”字当头，不计前嫌，允许“离”心，也允许“回”心。一般说，将心比心，以心换心，精诚所至，金石为开，婚外恋者尽管婚外恋时感情炽热，但他们的内心始终为罪恶感和羞耻感所扰，只要阶梯搭牢，他们是会下楼的。如果对方一意孤行，视“内销”为软弱，视宽宏为无能，再诉诸法律不迟。 与之相反，有些人既不冷静，又不明智，任由情绪支配。发现配偶有外遇后，气恼、愤怒接踵而至，竭力报复，或扑向配偶，或扑向第三者，非置之于死地不可，似乎不如此就便宜了配偶，便宜了第三者。殊不知，这样一闹，无异把配偶逼进死胡同，里外不是人，欲回无门，只得横下心来割断最后一缕情丝，投向第三者的怀抱。 对付婚外恋的对策，日本的一位婚姻心理学家不同意草率离婚，他说：“不管怎么说，由于对方的用情不专而断然离婚的做法毕竟是太草率了一点。因为虽说对方有了外遇，但是也不能绝对地说他(她)对配偶的爱情之火已经熄灭了。” 专家们之所以不赞成把不贞与离姻划上等号，主张“破镜重圆”，并不意味着对婚外恋者的姑息，亦不意味着不同情受害者的尊严，是因为构成人的感情的因素是极其复杂的，生理学上的“全或无”定律对它并不适用。一个人犯任何过错，改了就好了，为什么惟独感情上的过错，改了还不好?滂沱的大雨会使泥土粘得更结实；一碎为二的钢板，焊接后强度胜过原先；破碎的爱情，只要修补得当，浪子回头将是金不换的。 让你的丈夫和你一起共同体验你的恐惧和情感；不论情况多么困难，要耐心听他把话说完。这可能会帮助你保持和强化你的婚姻。 当发现丈夫的婚外恋行为，女人首先产生的情绪就是强烈的孤立感。这种突然而至的感觉伴随着不信任、愤怒和恐惧，使她渴望得到源源不断的慰藉。不论你的丈夫年龄有多大，作为妻子，你能采取什么样措施来帮助丈夫忠于自己的婚姻呢? 留心观察日常生活的变化。这些变化是否突然发生的?变化的原因是否明显?用你的直觉作引导。如果你注意到你的丈夫有某种不同寻常的活动方式，应该找他谈一谈。 如果你丈夫不愿同你谈论目前的危机，你们两人中的任何一个都可以找一个朋友来帮助你们，但是双方必须都同意这么做。如果他不愿意这样做，那么，你就要他同你一起去寻求专业的帮助。 当你们一起共同体验彼此的感情、思想和认识时，要努力了解对方。如果他认为他有权利过婚外恋生活，不论什么原因，你都需要对你所希望的作出理智的选择。如果他并不那么理直气壮，那么你们就应该试图找出婚外恋的原因是什么，找出修复婚姻的方法。 在婚姻誓约已遭破坏后，有些人害怕丢面子。婚姻失败后你不愿意面对你身边的人，你害怕被人说自己的丈夫被别人抢走了。你的亲戚、朋友、你的父母会怎么想?所以你试图去挽救你的婚姻，以此来挽回你的面子。但这是一个好的理由吗?你必须问你自己，你同你的丈夫是否能够达成某种妥协，这样你就不会一个人在私下里回味你受伤的自尊。 另一种动机可能是你认为孩子既需要母亲也需要父亲，即使是在最糟的婚姻关系里。但是，你要问自己这样一个问题：如果孩子的爸爸和我在同一个家里过分居生活，孩子会怎样想? 还有，如果离婚的话就存在孤独的问题。你认为独立生活会怎么样呢?单身的人经常受到已婚朋友的忽视。孑然一身的生活对你来说可能非常陌生，前景令你感到异常恐惧。 可能你要维持你的婚姻的最大的动机是要有一种经济上的安全感。你曾听说过(而且统计结果也显示如此)，在离婚之后，男人的经济状况一般都比原来要好，而妻子则正好相反。甚至是有工作的女人，她们离婚之后经济状况也比较困难。她们中的一些人必须承担起养家糊口、抚养子女的责任。而且，由于离婚之后，你前面的路将非常艰难。 最后，在你作出是留还是走的决定时，你应该考虑的最重要的因素是你和丈夫的关系到底怎么样。如果答案是肯定的，那么你现在依然爱他吗?当晚上他闭上眼睛的时候看着他，你还能对自己说：“是的，我仍然爱他”吗? 要重新构筑你的婚姻你需要什么工具和技巧?如果你仍然爱你的丈夫，希望维持并改善你们的婚姻，请注意下面与配偶交谈的七条准则。能够在一起进行讨论本身就是爱的表现，这些准则将会帮助你们在严肃的交谈中获益良多。 (1)不要害怕交谈。你必须明白，“我想跟你谈谈”这句话会令人自然地产生防卫反应。这种反应是由下面的想法引起的：“出什么事了?”或“我做错了什么?这是一种自然的反应，可能在我们还是孩子时，父母要惩罚我们时就已经根植在心中了。由于你们现在彼此敌视，要敞开心扉讨论问题非常困难。所以你要尽可能放松自己，记住，当你的丈夫同你交谈时，他对你们的关系是在意的。 (2)一次只处理一个问题。例如，如果你们要谈论对于他的背叛的感受，或他试图告诉你他有婚外恋行为的原因，不要扩展话题，把其他问题牵扯进去。 (3)不要纠缠过去的事情，一旦发生的事情印入记忆之中，当它再出现时往往带有某种曲解。在中午回忆起来的梦与早晨的记忆有所不同。因此，如果你翻过去的旧账，你们就不会达成一致的意见。当你们谈论丈夫的婚外恋时，要就事论事，不要涉及以前发生的其他事情。如果你不提及过去的事情来对他进行伤害，你的爱人会更愿意听你的意见。 (4)与你的丈夫达成某种协议，如果有一方感到极为愤怒，不能控制自己，你可以要求谈话暂停，你的要求会得到尊重。没有必要用说话方式来提出这种要求；你可以用象征性的手势来表示。例如，你们每人面前都放一只空玻璃杯，不论谁需要，但需要奉献的精神和约束力来履行这种协议。另外很重要的一点是不论争论多么激烈，一定要呆在房间里。在争论结束之前就离开，对你爱人来说是一种很大的伤害。你可能以后就再也不能改善你们的局面了。 (5)不要轻言或者暗示结束你们的婚姻关系。即使这是你正考虑要做的事情，现在也不是你说出来的时候。只是在准备好真的要离去时再谈离开的事，永远都不要以此来威胁他。 (6)当你成功地解决一个问题之后，要休息一下，彼此要进行拥抱，握手或者说“谢谢你”。最容易犯的一个错误就是解决完一个问题之后，马上就急于解决另一个问题，你会发现简短的“休会期”大有裨益。如果你在一个问题刚刚结束时，就急于解决下一个，就会陷入无休止的艰难讨论中。 (7)不加评断的朋友是治愈心灵创伤的良药。“不加评断”在这个意义上是指接受朋友的本来面目，鼓励你努力接受危机的现实。 下面是选择合适女友的简单要点，可以帮助你在治愈创伤的各个阶段选择你所需要的朋友。记住，尽管你处于极度的痛苦之中，你仍然需要朋友，你仍然需要做出清醒的选择。可能下面这些建议对你有所帮助： 清楚了解在你疗伤过程中的每一个阶段你想要什么和你需要什么。 在你决定寻求哪位朋友的帮助之前，也要考虑到你朋友的感受。你选择的朋友此时能够应付你的处境吗?如果答案是否定的，请你礼貌地走开，去寻找另外的朋友。对你选择的第一位朋友的任何帮助表示感谢。 在好朋友谈起这件事时，尽量清楚准确地用语言诠释你的感觉，说“我不知道，我只是感觉茫然无措。”也许告诉他你需要她做什么。例如：“我需要你听我讲，帮助我制订一个行动计划。”这种措词会使她成为有助于你的人。 对于大多数女人来说，同另外的女性之间的友谊对她们的生活是至关重要的。女性是女性“回家”要找的人，女性朋友之间存有支持和爱护的情感契约，它会帮助我们度过生活中的酸甜苦辣。在这段异常痛苦的时期，你可能会站在友谊的“索取”的一方；然而同时你又在“给予”，你有目的地让你的朋友触及你的生活。而且，如果在特定时刻，在人生的道路上你们互换了角色，也会敞开心怀接纳朋友对你的特殊信赖。这是一个女人同她最好的朋友——另外一个女人的不可分割的纽带。 在这种情感非常时刻，心理上的消极情绪如果任其泛滥，可能会引起各种各样的疾病和功能障碍。培养一种健康的心理意味着要清除与你的痛苦经历相联系的所有情绪。要做到这一点，你应该学会更清楚地认识自己，对自己进行敏锐、熟练的自我观察。 平静一会儿之后问你自己：“我现在在想什么?我脑中是什么想法?”仅仅专注于自己身体上的感觉。从头到脚地检查你的身体感受，尽量细致地体会你所察觉到的一切。不要把你的整个状态和感受用像“我很累”这样概括的语言来形容，而是要说出身体哪个部位最感到疲倦。花几分钟进行这种检测，目的是把你的注意力从思考转移到感受上来。 现在问你自己：“我现在有什么样的心理感受?”注意你正在描述的不是你正在思考的东西，而是你所感受的东西。不要把这些感觉进行归结，只是去辨识和感受。例如，你可能会说：“我感到很悲伤。”但是不要去想为什么感到悲伤，“为什么”是一种思考，而“悲伤”则是感受。正是由于与感受区分开来，这会使你头脑更清醒更轻松。把散乱的思绪拉回到现在，这会使你把精力集中在应该做的事上，而且会加快婚姻关系修复的进程。 男人和女人甚至在夫妇之间不忠实上的所作所为也是不一样的。他们在看待不忠实上的差别，就像他们对待婚姻的差别一样。 有的男人对自己的精力感到担心，所以他们不断地一个女人接着一个女人地进行检验。而有的男人显然是与别的女人发生了关系。 这说明男人需要多样化，他们很容易冲动，他们对自己男性的精力并不是很有把握的，他们在情感上是很脆弱的。 可能使女人更为高兴的是，大多数的男人对待他们的婚外关系并不是很认真的。对于他们，一场风流韵事不过是一场游戏，一次冒险而已，不忠实的丈夫很少考虑要中断他的婚姻。“我一直让她知道，我的婚姻很幸福”，一个有私通行为的男人说道。“而且我有把握，她明白我不是在企求别人的同情，或者是寻找可以讨论哲学的伙伴儿。” 一般说来，女人可以知道她丈夫是否有外遇，但是许多人疑神疑鬼，她们觉得打情骂俏就是不忠实的表现，而事实恰恰相反。当着妻子的面和别的女人打情骂俏，并不是寻花问柳的开始。可是，如果女人过多地去责备丈夫的不忠实，她就是把这种想法植入了他的头脑，她的嫉妒心恰恰会造成她所害怕的局面。 大多数的男人打情骂俏是为了使自己相信，他们仍然对异性有一定的吸引力。要是你丈夫在你出席的鸡尾酒会，或者郊游野餐上和别人打情骂俏，你应该认为对你也是脸上增光，别的女人觉得他还有魅力呢。 of course there are exceptions.有的男人之所以调情是要使妻子痛苦。他们并不是对别的女人特别感兴趣，他们就是为了让妻子受罪而感到一种满足。这种女人一般是不太自信的，自尊心也不是很强，她们的丈夫就想让她们老是这样。 这种不安全感就会滋生嫉妒心，