Chapter 41 Lesson 13 Breaking through the misunderstanding of gender

Every man needs to enjoy the ideal and perfection in love. They often indulge in fantasy, concentrate all the excellent qualities and characteristics of a woman on a woman who does not exist at all, and give her the same aura of ideals and dreams .However, the kingdom of fantasy often loses the meaning of reality. It can be seen that wandering in the ideal heaven for a long time not only will not meet a real angelic lover, but also will not get real love.Love often contains a lot of specific content. If there is no specific woman, a man cannot arouse the fiery passion. Love, not to mention emotional agitation.

No man can marry Venus as his wife.He should come down from the imaginary heaven to real life, and focus on real-life women. 1 Irreplaceable lover No one can love two or three passionately at the same time.If a man tells you it's possible, he's definitely covering or looking for solace in finding someone else. After a man falls in love with a woman, she will immediately become the most outstanding and beautiful in his mind.In other words, she becomes his center.He can spin in this center in every possible way. It is true that finding such a person is often a painful prelude to love.

"I was looking for you, for you I have experienced cold loneliness...I know that you will be waiting for me somewhere, I should find you. You once appeared to me in the haze, when this moment appeared to me In front of my eyes, like a daydream, like a fleeting phantom, but I saw your outline." Men who are fortunate enough to fall in love often perfect the qualities of the "Irreplaceable She" and underestimate and to some extent belittle other women. "Since I fell in love with you, I feel that all other women are so strange and so vulgar. Why should we fall in love? I only see you alone, and I only call your name, which is so strange! "

This strong preference of a man for his lover is actually the result of emotional concentration.A man often arranges all kinds of people in his heart according to their value and quality. At the top of this pyramid, he often puts the person he likes as an eternal ideal. He will never tolerate comparing her with other women's images.The role of this "preference" must not be underestimated because it is not objective. It often becomes the most effective glue between you and his love.However, wild love and fiery passion are not a once-and-for-all "high fever" that can wear down this passion over time.If a man's love does not add new content, he will pay attention to new women frequently.

2 conversions Sometimes "love until death" isn't self-deception or a whim.The idea that a Quarry is irreplaceable can affect a man's fate. However, the irreplaceable sweetheart will unknowingly become replaceable in many images.This switch may be the result of the man's disappointment, or a significant change in his circumstances. Nature never tolerates gaps in the range of human emotions. The best medicine for a man who wants to heal the wounds of losing a beautiful woman is to make him fall in love with another beautiful woman.With the gradual indifference of feelings, irreplaceable becomes replaceable, so the man also made a new choice.

This new choice is often criticized by women, who insist: "A person who knows how to love is only allowed to love once in a lifetime. So fickle men don't know what love is, they are just playing with feelings." However, the real situation is much more complicated.A man may only love once in his life, or may love several times, depending on his personality characteristics and opportunities. Men have a gift for emotional self-healing and for expressing love.If he loses you, he can start all over again. Of course, he will cherish his feelings and will never blindly transfer quickly from one object to another.

Sometimes, there will be a situation - a man's feelings are not specific, and he wavers between two women.However, even in this case, the love for two women at the same time will not be equal.No matter how romantic a man is, deep in his heart there is only one woman who will never be replaced by other women (maybe this woman is just a dream to him). The unfulfilled pursuit of this woman is, in most cases, an important cause of erratic pursuits and indiscreet attitudes towards the opposite sex. Especially those men who are poets and artists, or men who are sensitive and passionate, often tend to replace the women around them.The reason is simple. They pursue women with exciting and diverse personalities. They think that different women can bring creative inspiration, but what they imagine is an abstract woman with a perfect image, but what they encounter is an imperfect woman.

In many cases, a beautiful woman can satisfy a man's physical needs, because beautiful women often ignore the spiritual communication with men because of their beauty-this is the main reason for many beautiful women's love tragedies .Because you can't communicate with men, men communicate with other women, so he will easily fall in love with another woman who can communicate psychologically. In fact, this kind of divided love has always been false, but this kind of confusion of men still exists objectively.At this time, both you and him need to go through the pain of a deep love.Perhaps in addition to emotional factors, people often add rational judgments to understand what kind of man you can accept, and how to win his love is more of an art.Women who learn to think maturely and know how to express love can naturally regain true happiness.

A foreign scholar Nix once said: "Marriage is a book, the first chapter is written in poetry, and the rest are plain prose." In fact, there are not only poems and prose in married life, but also sometimes dangerous .Relevant data show that emotional crisis is most likely to occur in the first few years after marriage.For example, among the divorce cases accepted by Shanghai’s two districts in 1986, 41% were between 1 and 5 years old, and 66% of the 72 agreed divorce cases handled by the Civil Affairs Bureau of one of the districts were under 5 years old.Therefore, social psychologists call the first few years of marriage the "dangerous period."

Why is there a relationship crisis after marriage? One is the change of roles.Both are lovers before marriage, and the role change after marriage will bring many specific practical problems.The beautiful imagination of future family life during the relationship is now replaced by the plain "seven things to open the door", which leads to disappointment.The higher the expectations before marriage, the greater the disappointment after marriage.The second is the halo effect of love.When in love, the halo effect of "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" makes lovers only see each other's strengths, but not their weaknesses; Retreat, but the shortcomings continue to be revealed, and some people even "regret what they didn't do at the beginning".The third is the change of attractiveness.Appearance, temperament, and demeanor are attractive when in love; sex is also attractive during newlyweds; after having a child, the wife will transfer part of her love for her husband to the child, and vent the troubles caused by dragging the child to her husband.The husband thinks that as long as his wife can get more material and remuneration, it is love for the family, and he thinks that he is no longer a newlywed, and there is no need for emotional communication and reciprocation with each other.In this way, when encountering some small conflicts, quarrels and even marital crises will occur.The fourth is the intrusion of the "third party".The stage of life is the widest, but the stage of love is narrow, it only allows two roles to appear on the stage at the same time.If there is a third character, it must be a tragedy, which will inevitably lead to the breakdown of the family.

Some sociologists like to divide the relationship between husband and wife into five cycles: one is the period of love and fantasy (that is, the period of newlyweds and honeymoon); Expect.At this time, the relationship between the two parties is close to freezing point. If they do not make "emotional investment" in each other to reawaken each other's feelings, the spark of love will be easily extinguished.Of course, it does not mean that all newly married couples will have these five cycles in their relationship, but understanding the laws of this cycle is conducive to the running-in of the relationship after marriage. So, how to get through the "dangerous period after marriage" smoothly? (1) Communicate ideas.Generally speaking, lovers often have the characteristics of "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", which elevates and beautifies each other.After marriage, you will often feel disappointed when you discover the flaws that the other party did not have when you were in love.Therefore, newly married young people must be psychologically prepared to treat each other's personality differences correctly, and often talk about what happened in their common life, especially the distress in their hearts or misunderstandings between the two parties.In this way, even if there are knots with each other, they can be untied as soon as possible. (2) Tolerance and tolerance.Take a tolerant and tolerant attitude towards the shortcomings and weaknesses of the other party that were covered up before marriage but exposed after marriage.As Franklin said: "The eyes are wide open before marriage, and the eyes are half-opened and half-closed after marriage." The personalities of both husband and wife should be fully developed on the basis of compatibility and complementarity.Humility is the lubricant of a happy marriage.Moderate beneficial debate is conducive to resolving conflicts and disputes, but you should try to avoid tit-for-tat for some unprincipled life trivial matters. (3) Mutual respect.Self-esteem and demanding equality are the psychological basis for maintaining personality, and equality and respect are especially needed between husband and wife.In getting along with husband and wife, it is necessary to prevent the male chauvinism of "the husband sings and the wife follows"; the wife should also be alert to the consciousness of "strict control of the wife".As for the division of family roles, it is best for husband and wife to let nature take its course and form a most suitable combination that can play their own unique roles. (4) Pay attention to "emotional investment".In daily life, husband and wife should be more considerate of each other, often think of each other's actual needs, think of each other's hobbies, and remember special meaningful days, such as wedding anniversary, each other's birthday, the woman's "March 8" Festivals and the birthdays and memorial days of both parents, as well as the mutual care of daily diet and daily life.Although things are small, the truth can be seen in the subtleties. (5) Economic democracy.Both husband and wife should make their income and expenses open, pay according to their ability, and avoid comparisons with others. (6) A little more sense of humor.When one party is upset or there is a conflict between the two parties, irritating language will undoubtedly add fuel to the fire, and nagging to persuade is also half the effort.At this time, if there is a decent little humor, it can turn tears into laughter or turn hostility into friendship. (7) Strengthen moral cultivation.Either party of the husband and wife will never be a "third party", and the "third party" is not allowed to intervene. "The fence is tight, and the wild dogs don't come in." The husband and wife use noble sentiments and sincere love to build a copper wall and iron wall, so that the immoral "third party" has no room to take advantage of. (8) Pay attention to the coordination of sexual psychology and sexual physiology.A little more poetic and romantic, a little less animal instinct.Because sexual intercourse often not only refers to the communication between the sexes, but also sexual psychological communication, such as sweet caress, loving words, passionate hugs and kisses, etc. (9) Pay attention to the redistribution of love.After the baby is born, pay attention to the redistribution of the relationship between husband and wife, avoid weakening the relationship between husband and wife due to parent-child relationship, and integrate the love of husband and wife with the love of father and son (daughter) and love of mother and child (daughter) wisely. (10) Be wary of the urge to divorce.In real life, many couples who want to part ways are not all inseparable.People who are going through divorce are often extreme and angry psychologically for a while, which leads to divorce.Therefore, when conflicts arise between husband and wife, refrain from threatening "divorce" easily, as that will only intensify the conflict. In short, as Lu Xun said: "Love must be renewed, grown, and created at all times." This is the fundamental way to get through the "dangerous period" after marriage. In everything, there will be pressure and crisis.When problems like this arise, people typically respond by: (1) Become withdrawn.Mental stress or crises (e.g. job loss, bereavement) can be as upsetting as physical illness.Originally, in such a situation, the frustrated party most needs to enlist the help of their partner, but they usually don't do this, but just hide. (2) Will get angry.During times of stress or crisis, people experience intense emotional pain followed by intense anger.Anger at yourself is usually not satisfying to vent; many times, it is also angry at another person-the closest person, that is, your partner.Your partner yells at you when they get frustrated.can you handle it (3) Will blame others.This is closely related to anger.When people encounter stress or crisis, they usually blame the parties concerned, and in the process of blaming, they will also unintentionally involve their loved ones and blame him too.The partner is involved because people unconsciously feel that they are not powerful enough to change a bad situation. (4) Confusion problem.People under stress or crisis are often obsessed with a whole host of bad things, including things that have nothing to do with stress.For example, a man who fears losing his job will start nagging about his partner's weight.In fact, her weight is not worth his troubles at all, but from her point of view, this nagging seems too sudden, and she may not be able to bear it. In psychology, this phenomenon is called "transfer".Namely: People "transfer" their feelings from the pain they are facing to the little things that don't matter.Needless to say, doing this in your partner is unlikely to arouse your sympathy for him. When you're miserable, your significant other usually isn't, either.Anger and blame will fade love.When you feel angry a lot, you wonder if you should keep the relationship. Even if one party can cope with the uneasy feelings that accompany a crisis, danger lurks elsewhere.The crisis has widened the distance between the two sides.During times of crisis, certain qualities in your partner become intolerable to you. Men and women often do not cope in the same way, and during difficult times, this difference can widen.Even if you have the same way of coping with the problem, the sexual relationship will still be affected, because when you are dealing with the crisis, you will have relatively less energy for the sexual relationship. However, the two of you can pull together and encourage each other during difficult times, and you can grow closer as you deal with crises, and your sexual relationship will grow stronger accordingly. The following four factors determine whether you can share weal and woe and cope with crises: (1) Ability to make commitments.Your level of commitment is the best indicator of your level of competence, both for you and your partner.Remember, too, that being able to keep a promise also speaks to a person's character traits.Do you and your partner have the ability to commit to anything - work, friends, lovers? If the man you love can hold on to his friendships and face challenges, it shows that he will stick with you in times of trouble. (2) Independence from each other.Psychologists emphasize that when one partner in a relationship is independent and the other dependent, it can be difficult for them to cope with a crisis together.A man who demands your undivided attention is bound to develop resentment when you fail to provide him enough in a crisis. At the same time, a man who can establish a relationship with you and cope with crises is the kind who can be independent.He doesn't need you very much, but his ability to show that when you don't give him enough attention, he will still maintain the relationship and cooperate with you to deal with the crisis. (3) The ability to empathize.Empathy is important when a crisis affects only one party.Empathy is also important in knowing that things will always turn for the better.A person with empathy can not only understand the pain of his partner, but also know that the pain will eventually disappear. (4) Trust each other.When one party is in crisis, trust plays an important role in maintaining the relationship.Trust keeps the two parties connected and forms a common strength, helping to overcome the negative impact of the crisis. In a crisis, withdrawal is a natural phenomenon.However, people always want to connect with the rest of their lives.Generally speaking, when you eliminate your isolation and rebuild a strong relationship with your partner, the relationship will strengthen.Trusting each other is what brings two people closer.If there is no trust, no affinity, the relationship will inevitably disintegrate. After years of investigation and research, some experts on marriage issues have found that the reasons for the emotional crisis between husband and wife generally include the following: 1 Mutual antipathy This kind of situation manifests itself as, you do not look at me, I do not look at you, the two sides act independently, do not interfere with each other, and must cooperate with each other. When dealing with work problems, they often adopt a spectatorial, indifferent, and disgusting attitude.The main reason for this situation is that one or both spouses have a bad temper, treat the married life as a bachelor's life, only care about themselves in all aspects, and take an uncooperative attitude towards the husband or wife, no matter what they say. No matter how you do things, as long as you are willing, you will not listen to any objections. If the other party expresses a slight objection, you will lose your temper.As time goes by, resentment gradually appears: one party always feels displeased or even disgusted with the words and deeds of the other party. 2 Unfaithfulness to each other Generally, couples have a gentleman's agreement before marriage, such as "who will do more housework", "how to deal with the family's financial income", "personal communication activities are not conservative", and so on.But if one of the husband and wife does not keep or break the promise, then the vows made before marriage will be in vain.In daily life, some couples conceal their income and expenses from each other; some couples do not keep their promises about housework and cheat each other;The list goes on and on.The infidelity of one party will often lead to the infidelity and resentment of the other party in a chain, and even retaliate against the other party with the same unfaithful actions, and finally fall into the quagmire of mutual suspicion and cannot extricate themselves. At this time, it is too late to regret. 3 bad personality Husband and wife live together, still need to maintain their own unique personality, a person lacks personality, it will make the people who live with him (she) feel monotonous and boring.A husband who lacks personality will not please his wife, and a wife who lacks personality will make the husband feel worthless.Bad personality temper is an important cause of conflict between husband and wife. 4 Disharmony in sex life A harmonious sex life has always been neglected in our country. When it comes to sexual issues, others will immediately accuse you of ulterior motives or bad intentions.In fact, a harmonious sex life plays a very important role in maintaining the relationship between husband and wife.The emotional discord of many couples is actually caused by this, but "emotional discord" is more refined and gentle than "sexual life discord", which is easy to accept, while the latter is difficult to be elegant.In some divorce cases, emotional incompatibility has become a substitute for sexual incompatibility and thus a valid basis for divorce.Therefore, although the maintenance of the relationship between husband and wife does not rely entirely on sexual union, if one or both parties have never been satisfied in their long-term sexual life, it will affect the relationship between husband and wife anyway. 5 Improper handling of family income The family's economic income problem often affects the relationship between husband and wife and becomes the fuse of conflict between husband and wife.The family's economic situation should be within its means and used reasonably.In fact, this is not a question of more money and less money, but mainly about the attitude towards money and how to arrange it.The two parties have different attitudes towards spending money. You want to buy a refrigerator, and I want to buy a suit; Once the husband and wife get entangled in the issue of money, the relationship between the husband and wife is bound to be affected, let alone the further development of the relationship between husband and wife. 6 Relative Questions The husband's relatives are the wife's relatives, and the wife's relatives are the husband's relatives. The in-law's family and the mother's family are both family members. This can greatly reduce conflicts between husband and wife on issues such as support and reception.Improper handling of relative issues not only affects the relationship between family members, but also affects the relationship between husband and wife.There is a couple who have turned upside down because of the poor handling of this issue.The husband’s hometown is in the countryside. Once, the husband’s parents went to the city to visit their son and daughter-in-law. They quarreled with their husband over some trivial matters, and when they saw that the husband gave their parents a few dollars, they quarreled in the room, forcing them to go home full of melancholy after only staying for two days.Of course, the husband refused to give up on this, so the two sides started fighting with "real guns and live ammunition", and finally had to break up.This example shows that improper handling of relative issues will often hurt the self-esteem of one party first, and this will often lead to the breakdown of the relationship between the two parties.Therefore, both husband and wife should regard "your mother as my mother", respect each other, and be polite to each other, so that the relationship between the two parties will be more harmonious. As a wife, have you checked yourself to see if you are a good wife who knows how to manage your husband and family? How many of the following "commandments" have you committed? If you commit more than half of them, you must seriously reflect on yourself, otherwise Marriage is bound to be in crisis. 1 childish She often acted like a baby, and asked her husband to be obedient, and if she didn't like it, she would quarrel and run back to her mother's house. It takes a lot of effort to take care of this little woman type wife. They are immature and self-willed, and they cannot be good helpers to their husbands at all. 2 inconsiderate She has no intention of taking care of her husband's daily life.After the husband got off work, he only heard his wife nagging about her troubles.This kind of wife can be said to be unconstructive, neither understands the needs of her husband, nor can it be "well-managed". 3 Take care of yourself and have fun This kind of wife hates housework and runs away whenever she has free time. You can find them in community centers, charity organizations, foreign currency deposit departments of banks or on mahjong tables, but it is rare to see them at home. Originally participating more in outside activities can broaden one's mind and benefit the body and mind, but if one neglects one's family for this reason, then the cart is putting the cart before the horse. 4 slandering her husband I often belittle my husband in front of others, saying that he is worthless and earns little money.These words have a great effect on the dignity of the husband.Now that you are a married couple, you should share honor and disgrace together, and you cannot attack your husband in front of outsiders. 5 vanity Once a vanity wife takes control of the family's economic power, she will spend a lot of money to dress herself up, buy beautiful clothes, and frequently replace furniture.To deal with this kind of wife, the husband must work hard, and even use illegal means to earn more money for "household". 6 too tidy Women are more tidy by nature than men. Some wives keep their homes spotless and orderly.They are also meticulous about their children's daily life and diet, with rules and regulations.Newspapers should not be placed indiscriminately, and even any decorations should not be tampered with.So the whole family lives under her command, and they can't go overboard.This kind of life often makes the family tense and breathless; such a family is only suitable for exhibitions, not for living.In fact, excessive tidiness is unnecessary. The art of living is to live colorfully, not to be dominated by the environment.Life like a march is really no fun. 7 Lack of self-confidence This type of wife is very suspicious and often doubts whether her husband's love for her is mixed with water. She wants to find out everything about her husband, and she is very possessive, hoping to separate her husband from other people (especially women).They have no confidence in themselves at all, so they fear losing the love of their husbands. In fact, since he was willing to marry you at the beginning, you must be attractive, so you don't have to worry about your husband changing his mind all day, making yourself nervous.To be generous and upright, and to trust your husband, this is the way of marriage. 8 too reserved This type of wife never reveals her true feelings. When her husband asks earnestly, "Do you love me?" she says, "Yes, but please let me sleep first!" After speaking, she falls asleep. Please use actions to show your love for your husband, such as remembering his birthday, giving him gifts, sharing his troubles, etc.The most important thing is to express your love clearly to him, because everyone likes to hear the three words "I love you". 9 red apricot out of the wall The love of husband and wife can never tolerate a third party. If you have an affair because you are too fragile and can’t stand the temptation, please think carefully about whether there is something wrong with your relationship with your husband. Who is it? If your husband is still your favorite, you should make up your mind to break up with the third party, and don't make things more complicated. There is a man who is the leader of a certain department. He has always been cautious about sex, and his colleagues have a good reputation.But his wife who works in the hospital always feels that there are too many "vixes" in the society now, and her husband sometimes has to go on business trips, so it is better to prevent problems before they happen.So she often vaccinates her husband. Unexpectedly, within two or three years, this man not only had an emotional entanglement with a female colleague in his unit, but he was also promiscuous outside, but his wife didn't know about it. Why did the wife's earnest efforts not have the desired effect? The reason is actually very simple: the wife actually does not understand the basic psychological factors of a man having extramarital sex.She just uses a woman's intuition to teach her husband some things that women can't tolerate; she uses some things that women fear to scare her husband.The magic weapon she uses most often, the first is venereal disease; the second is money; the third is marriage. As a medical worker, of course she knew the dangers of STDs and the ways of transmission, so she deliberately took some medical pictures of the terrible symptoms of STDs home for her husband to see.The husband agreed at first, but later he looked for information himself, and actually discussed with her how high the rate of sexually transmitted diseases is.Of course she intensified and said seriously.But she ignored it, and from then on, her husband didn't make a sound, but looked at her with a tolerant child-like gaze. She also often beat her husband: Those wild flowers on the side of the road are actually for defrauding money, and none of them are sincere.It's a shame to spend so much money looking for them. In fact, she didn't understand some of the ways of thinking of men at all.First of all, men who have such thoughts generally think that "money for sex" is a "fair trade". What kind of sincerity (if you have it, it will be troublesome).Secondly, the reason why a man who goes whoring goes whoring is not because of whether it is expensive or cheap, but because of how much his current consumption accounts for in the "living money" he can freely control. In addition, the wife believed in a "strategy of deterrence."She used to say, if you're having an affair, so am I! This, if addressed to husbands who are really just beginning to be seduced, might work.However, if the husband has already "leaved the affair", would he still care about her having an extramarital affair? I'm afraid it's exactly what he wanted.As a result, the wife's prevention was still ineffective. People all know the fable about the contest between the sun and the north wind: the tighter the north wind blows, the tighter people wrap their clothes; while the sun warms them a little, people automatically "disarm".Why did the ancient Chinese emphasize that love should be the foundation of a husband and wife? Why do they always emphasize that "love" comes first and "love" comes after? It is because "love" is only the driving force for marriage, and "environment" is the maintenance of harmony. Defend the pillars of marriage.For men throughout the ages, only when they truly and deeply feel the "graciousness" given by their wives can they then feel love, have a conscience, a sense of responsibility, and a high degree of self-discipline. Not only is this more powerful than all the social norms and sanctions, but it is more effective than the wives' nagging. If the husband and wife have reached the point where they feel that each other is boring, this is the brink of a marital crisis. If you don't want to see the family break up, you can't take it lightly and let it go on "boring". In modern marriages, it is generally through free love. Only when you feel that the other party is interesting and attractive to you will you have a relationship, and then get married.So, why do you feel uninterested in the other party after marriage? This problem can be considered and solved from the following aspects. One situation is that the two people's progress is different, resulting in a gap. One party has improved his self-cultivation and enriched his inner world, while the other party remains unchanged and appears shallow and boring.This situation is relatively common.When the two first met, they had similar interests and similar values, but after marriage, one party made tireless progress, while the other party stopped and was content with the status quo.One day when I look back suddenly, I feel that the other party can no longer stand on the same level as you to talk to, and feel that she (he) is boring.In this case, the only solution is to urge the other party to study, read books, get in touch with various arts that can cultivate the soul, urge the other party to work hard to do a good job, and constantly update and improve yourself in the work.Husband and wife should criticize each other and help each other. That is to say, you have to turn around and give each other a hand, instead of despising each other and letting the differences between you widen endlessly. Another situation is that the character and quality of the other person you admired very much at the beginning have gradually become accustomed to in ordinary life, and you feel that they are losing their charm more and more.There is a middle-aged woman who is impatient, impulsive, and has a unique personality. By chance, she meets a man who is more than 10 years older than her. He is calm, talented, knowledgeable, open-minded and generous. She was suddenly attracted by his character, broke through the resistance, and married him.After a few years of marriage, she began to feel that her husband was boring, and that life with him was too ordinary. On the verge of marriage breakdown, she reflected on herself, and found that what she hated her husband was exactly what she loved him at the beginning, and it was what she needed most. of.You can check the angle of observation to see if you have heard the peony for a long time and don't know its fragrance. In another situation, after marriage, one party accommodates the other party. He originally liked to dance, but the other party did not like to dance, so he stopped dancing. He gave up his sexual interests and completely revolved around the other party. Will feel that the other party is monotonous and boring.The solution at this time is to encourage the other person to stretch his personality, pursue his hobbies, and gather with his former friends, let him have his own space, and walk on his own track. Soon you will find that, He brings a new landscape. The relationship between husband and wife must be based on mutual trust, mutual respect, and mutual understanding, and suspicion just violates these principles, and it is the killer of sincere emotions between husband and wife.If there is suspicion in marriage, tragedies will happen. There have been many such examples in life. Suspicion mostly arises among those who are narrow-minded and not cheerful, for several reasons: (1) Lack of necessary understanding and trust between husband and wife.Maybe one party did not show his personality and hobbies enough before marriage. After marriage, the other party finds that there are many aspects of you that he (she) does not understand. Will love him (her) as before.However, if the mind is relatively small, you can't think about things, and you don't speak out the pimples in your heart in time, and you murmur in your heart, which will easily lead to suspicion.Suspicion is sometimes quite strange. When there is no suspicion, nothing happens. Once suspicion arises, I feel suspicious everywhere. I came back late, did I go on a date with someone else? Sometimes an explanation will arouse even greater suspicion. When you meet this kind of lover, you'd better be with him as much as possible, and express your feelings for him as much as possible, such as going outing together, cooking together, or going for a walk together.Don't be stingy with words, just say what comes to mind, let him know that you trust you, and after breaking the initial suspicion, both parties will feel much more transparent.If your lover is suspicious, but you are tempered, the suspicion will become more severe, and even lead to major conflicts. (2) Some people are suspicious because they have a way of thinking. Once they have identified what is going on with something, they will justify themselves psychologically and produce a series of suspicions. In such a situation, you need to be patient and self-cultivated, help your lover break his stereotype, reveal your heart and sentiments to him, and resolve your lover's shortcomings with a sincere attitude.Don't evade when you have a problem, and handle everything openly and generously. After your lover has basic trust and respect for you, suspicion will naturally disappear. (3) Maybe the lover's understanding of love and friendship is a bit one-sided, and he thinks that the loved one should not associate with others in order to show his loyalty to him, otherwise there is a problem.This is the ideological basis for many people's suspicions. 〖JP3〗At this time, you need to talk more with your lover, or provide him with some books or articles, correct his one-sidedness, and make him understand that in modern society, socializing is a normal life need of people. It's not good, help him improve his self-cultivation.Of course, this process cannot be completed overnight.The perfection of marriage itself is a lifelong matter, during which both husband and wife need to work hard and work hard. 社会虽然已跨进了21世纪，但当丈夫和异性交往时，妻子心中就觉得酸溜溜的，像吃了醋一样，这样会骚扰家庭的安谧。这些妻子总希望自己的丈夫坚守“男女授受不亲”的礼教，她们或因一时误会便盯梢、跟踪丈夫；或听信流言蜚语无端怀疑丈夫的社交活动；或不准丈夫与异性接近，限制其社交活动；或捕风捉影疑神疑鬼乱猜疑。有的妻子见丈夫与异性谈笑，便当场撒泼吵闹，诽谤侮辱女方；或回家后与丈夫使性，胡搅蛮缠，没完没了。遇上这样的妻子确实令人头痛，但既然遇上了，怎样正确对待呢? 1忠于妻子 丈夫对爱情的忠贞行为，是消除妻子猜疑的最有效的“灵丹妙药”。妻子爱“吃醋”，对丈夫有些不放心。因此，丈夫一定要注意用自己的行动，加强妻子对自己的信任。要检点自己的作风，不可背着妻子做任何对不住妻子的事。丈夫心中只有妻子，永远忠于自己的爱情，丈夫的纯真举动，迟早会消除妻子心头的一切疑云，妻子自然也就不再“吃醋”了。 〗2消除误会 有的妻子对丈夫的猜疑，由于没有及时地消除，使误会酿成了“醋”。所以，作为丈夫应细心观察了解妻子，弄清妻子“吃醋”的原因。 3不避妻子 丈夫参加社交本是正常的事，与异性接触应大大方方。殊不知，越是隐蔽，妻子就越怀疑；越是不让妻子知道，妻子就越是认定里面有鬼。作为丈夫，若有可能，尽量让妻子陪自己一起参加一些社交活动，让妻子对自己的关系行为有正确的认识。同时，在结交异性朋友时，最好也让妻子知道，能请她们来家中做客，与妻子也交个朋友，那就更好了。 4讲明危害 妻子爱“吃醋”，必然要把丈夫看得紧紧的，时时拴在自己身边，这不仅使丈夫陷入家庭小圈子里，生活单调乏味，而且也妨碍了丈夫的正常工作和社交。同时由于凭空编造莫须有的“第三者”，往往会伤害他人，造成严重的后果。妻子爱“吃醋”，虽然是以爱丈夫为出发点，却以损害丈夫、伤害夫妻感情为归宿。因此，妻子切莫把爱“吃醋”视为“小事”。事实上，由于丈夫不堪妻子的猜疑而与妻子分手的悲剧，生活中并不少见。这就告诫爱“吃醋”的妻子，要真正从思想上认识猜疑、嫉妒的危害，从而自觉改正。 5正确理解 妻子爱“吃醋”确实给丈夫带来一些苦头，但应从积极方面考虑，毕竟她这样做是真心爱丈夫，怕失去丈夫。从这个角度去看待妻子，火气就会消失，丈夫就能冷静下来，认真帮助妻子克服这一缺点。只要丈夫心胸坦荡光明磊落，多数妻子会化猜疑为信任，矢志不渝忠于爱情，从而更加敬重丈夫，夫妻关系会更加亲密无间。 爱情王国真是神秘莫测。昨天，夫妻二人还谈笑风生，亲密无间呢，可是不知为什么今天却“满脸的乌云”，吵闹不止。妻子生气回了娘家，丈夫亦“发誓”绝不接回。这是为什么呢? 有人认为，夫妻吵架是平常之事，不值得大惊大怪。可是有一点要提醒你注意：夫妻感情的裂痕就是在这一次次吵闹中开始的。那么哪些问题容易造成夫妻间的裂痕呢? 信任，是夫妻感情赖以生存的基础。一旦一方失去了对另一方的信任，夫妻之间的裂痕也就由此开始了。夫妻双方的这种不信任，体现在几个方面： (1)一方对另一方说谎。这种说谎分善意和不信任两种。出于善意目的说谎是怕伤害对方的感情或造成对方的心理压力，而隐瞒事实真相。另一种说谎是对对方不信任，怕对方事前阻止或事后指责。如果说前者是出于爱心的话，那么后者是最容易引起对方不快和伤感的事。 (2)听信外界谣言。这也是对对方不信任的表现。如果你和你的配偶十分相爱，你了解他(她)的为人，钦佩他(她)的品德，那么，当有关配偶的谣言传入你的耳中时，你就会泰然自若。因为你了解他(她)，相信他(她)，知道对方不会作伤害你感情的事。相反，对外界的谣言、传闻，你不做任何分析便信以为真，并对配偶兴师问罪，于是双方的争吵便由此开始，显然裂痕已便由此开始了。 (3)夫妻间的相互“揭短”。这是很伤感情的。生活中，每个人都有自己的短处，它包括失意、挫折、自身的毛病等，这些不尽人意的往事是最怕别人接触的。然而，在夫妻争吵时，由于一方想压倒另一方，因此，他们想尽一切办法使对方“精神崩溃”，其中包括揭对方的短处。这种做法虽使揭短者一时感到解气、痛快，但却大大伤害了对方的自尊心，可想而知，夫妻感情的裂痕也将由此出现。 (4)夫妻双方在性格上的不相容，也是使双方感情出现危机的一个因素。结婚以后，夫妻双方面临实实在在的生活，由于在婚前，他们自己所处的环境、地位、文化修养、思想素质等方面的不同，因此，他们性格、脾气、秉性也就不同。面对同一件事情，便会有各自不同的处理方法。如果夫妇双方都固执己见，各不相让，就会发生争吵，久而久之，这种性格上的不相容，便会导致各种矛盾的产生，并逐步由相互不满演变成感情上的裂痕。 感情裂痕往往会发展为家庭悲剧。为了避免家庭悲剧的发生，夫妻双方除了要努力修复裂痕外，还应注意加强各自的思想修养。把夫妻间的矛盾消灭在萌芽状态，让和谐、幸福成为家庭的主旋律。 下面这些问题的目的是测验有些人婚姻为什么出问题，当你答复这些问题的时候，你或许会发现这些问题很值得一答。如果每个问题你的答复是“是”的话，每题就可得10分。 1问丈夫的问题 (1)你是否还在“追求”你的太太?如偶尔送她一束花，记住她的生日和结婚纪念日，或 出乎她意料的殷勤，非她所预期的体贴。 (2)你是否注意永远不在他人面前批评她? (3)除了家庭开支以外，你是否还给她一些钱，让她随意使用? (4)你是否花时间去了解她各种女性方面的情绪问题，并帮助她度过疲倦、紧张不安的时期? (5)你是否至少空出你一半的娱乐时间，跟你太太共度? (6)除了可以显示她的长处，你是否机智地避免把你太太的烹调手艺和理家本领跟你母亲或某某人的太太相比较? (7)对于她的内心活动，她的俱乐部和社团，她所看的书。和她对地方行政的看法，你是否也有一定的兴趣? (8)你是否能够让她和其他男人跳舞，接受他们的友谊和照顾，而不会说些吃醋的话? (9)你是否经常注意找机会夸奖她，和你对她的赞赏? (10)关于她为你做的小事情，如缝纽扣、补袜子，把衣服送去洗，你是否会谢谢她? 2问太太的问题 (1)你是否让丈夫有处理公事上的完全自由，并避免批评他交往的人、他所选的秘书，或他所保留的自由时间? (2)你是否尽力使家庭有品味和有吸引力? (3)你是否常常改变口味，使他坐到桌上的时候还弄不清楚会吃什么? (4)对于你丈夫的事业，你是否有适当的了解，以便跟他做有益的讨论? (5)在金钱拮据的时候，你是否能勇敢地、愉快地面对这种情形，并不批评你丈夫的错处，或把他跟成功的人做不利于他的比较? (6)对于他的母亲或其他亲戚，你是否尽特别的努力，和他们融洽相处? (7)你选择衣着时，是否注意到他对颜色和样式上面的好恶? (8)为了家庭和睦，你是否牺牲一点自己的意见? (9)你是否尽力学学丈夫所喜爱的运动方式，以便和他共享休闲的时间? (10)你是否阅读当今的新闻、新书和新技术，以便在智慧兴趣方面，配合你的丈夫? 婚姻是两人心灵的融洽，在融合中创意人生，才是最幸福的家庭。