Chapter 33 Lesson 6 Communication skills between men and women in marriage

Win-win communication skills for husband and wife can start from the following aspects: What to communicate? When to communicate? How to communicate. 1 what to communicate (1) It is better to speak well than to speak too much. When it comes to communication, many people mistakenly believe that they must express all their thoughts and feelings.In fact, both husband and wife must filter the content of the conversation, and refrain from talking about the content that hurts the relationship between husband and wife. Couples get along for a long time, and they should have a certain degree of understanding of their spouse's likes and dislikes. A certain topic is taboo for the other party, so don't touch this topic again.If the husband's education is not high and he is more sensitive to the conversation about education, the wife should not make it a topic to avoid hurting the husband's self-esteem.

(2) To be completely frank, it is better to leave room. A common misconception about marriage is that husband and wife must be absolutely frank and must not have personal privacy.Speak without reservation, but the result is that the other party will have negative emotions. If the accumulation of negative emotions is too much, it will be detrimental to the marriage relationship. For example: the wife said: "I met Miss Chen, who you used to date with today, she is still so charming." The husband said: "She was originally very charming, there are not many women like her, I think many men will like her "The husband spoke out his thoughts very frankly, which might make his wife suspect that he still missed his old lover, which would cast a shadow over the relationship between husband and wife.

2 When to communicate Many people only care about their own emotions and talk quickly, but ignore whether the listener can listen.When a person is depressed, he will no longer have the heart to listen to his spouse's complaints, which in turn will make the speaker feel dissatisfied because he is not taken seriously.Therefore, when the husband and wife communicate with each other, it is best to choose a time when both parties are calm in order to produce good results. 3 how to communicate (1) When communicating, listening is more important than speaking. When communicating, many people are often eager to express their opinions, ignoring what others are saying, and each talking in his own way, which greatly reduces the effect of communication.Listening means standing on the other side's standpoint and understanding what the other side is expressing with your heart.It includes not only hearing what the other person said, but also observing the meaning contained in the other person's words, noticing their gestures, expressions, tone of voice, and body language.Then give an appropriate and short response to what you heard and observed, such as: "I see..." "Yes..." and nodding to let the other party know that you are listening, and it will also make the other party feel respected.

(2) Acceptance. No matter what you hear, no matter whether the other party's expression is right or wrong, don't rush to refute or correct it, try to admit that the other party really feels this way, so that he is willing to let go of his defenses, weaken his personal persistence, and then Listen to what you have to say.Recognizing the other party does not mean agreeing with the other party's point of view, it just means that you can understand his personal feelings. If your man says, "I'm fed up with you always picking on me." If you reply, "I'm not picking on you, I'm just trying to show you how to clean properly!" Something that sounds innocuous can lead to an argument because it negates how the other half actually feels.If you can recognize the other person's feelings and answer: "I can see that my nagging and pickiness have made you feel bad, I am really sorry for making you so uncomfortable", the other half will only listen to you if you feel that you accept him voice of the heart.In addition, only by observing the information conveyed by the other half and the real intention behind it and the deep distressed troubles can we gradually accept the other party.

(3) CLARIFICATION. Learn to give feedback to the other party during the communication process, and tell him what you heard "Did you mean..." "Did you mean...?" to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings due to mishearing. (4) Using "My Information". Many people often like to use "your message" to communicate, "You are not allowed to do this..." "Can't you..." "Do you think you are the only one in the family?" This can easily make the other party feel threatened and cause rebellion , or irritate the other party and cause conflicts.

If you use "I information", start with me as a sentence, followed by words of feeling, "I feel..." "Because..." is less aggressive, allowing the listener to have a larger psychological space to think about what you said If you use "I" as the beginning, it means that the speaker himself takes the responsibility for this communication; if you use "you" to narrate, the fault will be thrown to the listener, which will easily arouse the negative emotions of the listener. For example: "I'm very sad, because I thought we had an appointment to have dinner together today." It will make the other party more serious than "You always say that you are busy with the company's affairs. Is it important for business or me!" Know exactly how you feel and not just be criticized.

(5) Consistent communication. When your inner thoughts are consistent with the information expressed, on the one hand, it may allow you to take care of your inner needs, and you will not feel wronged, depressed, or wearing a mask; on the other hand, let your spouse know what you really want. Take your question seriously.This kind of communication can take into account the feelings of both parties.For example: Some spouses superficially answer: "It's okay, it's okay, it depends on what you want to do", but in fact they have other thoughts in their hearts. (6) Concrete. The speaker should try his best to express his feelings and expectations as clearly and clearly as possible. Simple, specific and clear will allow the other party to grasp the key points you want to express.

Everyone's inner state is like an iceberg under the water, and it is not easy for others to understand, unless you are willing to express it and tell your spouse your inner feelings, opinions, expectations, desires and needs, so that your spouse can understand your inner state. Many people are used to expressing their opinions, but they only stay in the superficial event discussion and problem solving, and seldom express their real feelings, but expressing their feelings is the key point to let the other party understand you. (7) Use more positive semantics. For example: "Remember to take the used cups to the kitchen and put them away" will be better than "Every time you drink boiled water, the cups are always misplaced".

(8) Harmful or critical words such as threats and humiliation are not allowed. The purpose of communication is to hope that your information can be respected and accepted. If you convey it in a hurtful or critical way, the other party will have a huge defensive psychology, which may arouse the negative emotions of the other party, which will make both parties fall into emotional In the interaction, the purpose of communication is lost. (9) Don't get caught up in a dispute about right and wrong. The purpose of communication is to exchange information to solve problems, increase understanding or foster relationships.However, when husband and wife communicate, they often focus on who is right and who is right, and the communication of opinions becomes a dispute of emotions. If they cannot communicate with each other, it is easy to cause mutual harm.When communicating, it is impossible to discuss the matter as it stands, mainly because it is affected by the way of thinking.

(10) Appreciation and encouragement, tolerance and understanding. Enhancing the friendship between two people and warming up their emotional intimacy at any time can lay a solid foundation for the harmony and happiness between husband and wife. In order to maintain a good marital relationship, both husband and wife must be able to communicate clearly and effectively, and communication needs to be learned. How to resolve conflicts caused by differences between men and women through communication is very important. Remember, when communicating, listen to each other's inner expectations and desires, start with "my message", don't rush to argue whether it is right or wrong, try to understand the other party's feelings, tell the other party what you heard, and avoid conflicting with each other. Unnecessary misunderstandings, think about the purpose of communication, so as to create a win-win communication between husband and wife.

"Confused" women are the cutest "It's too clever to do all the tricks, and it cost Qingqing's life." This is the last comment on the clever second young mistress Wang Xifeng in the book.Everyone in the world would like to be a wise man rather than a fool, let alone fall into confusion from being smart.However, in fact, everything in the world is complicated and fickle. It is impossible for us to break down everything clearly, and the clearer some things are, the more annoying they are.Therefore, the ancients said that "great wisdom is like a fool" and "it is rare to be confused". In the picturesque Hawaii, there lives a Miss Green of a self-operated trading company. Due to the influence of her father Old Green, she has a strong interest in metaphysics, so that every time she does business or goes out, she has to take a place for herself. Hexagram, to see how lucky she is, once she was going to Japan to discuss a very important business, before she left, she made another divination for herself at home, and the content of the hexagram was not bad, so she was very happy Excited to set off.After buying a plane ticket at the airport, with a few minutes left, Miss Green walked to the computer fortune teller, "My name is Green Ruth, I weigh 108 pounds, and I have to take the 2:20 plane to Japan..." She was deeply surprised, Because what was written on it was completely correct except that her weight of 108 pounds was two pounds more than her actual weight, she felt that someone was joking, so she stepped on it again, cast a copper plate, and then dropped another fate card: your The name is still Green Ruth, the weight is still 108 pounds, and you still have to take the 2:20 plane to Japan... She is even more puzzled, she thinks 〖BF〗: 〖〖BFQ〗everything else is so accurate, why is it so accurate? Two extra pounds? Someone must be doing it on purpose." Miss Green decided to play tricks on the other party. She went to the bathroom in the hall to change into a suit and a little bit of make-up. She believed that it would take a quarter of an hour for her to recognize her father.She stepped on the fortune-telling machine again, dropped the copper plate, and the fate card fell out again: "Your name is still Green Ruth, and your weight is still 108 pounds, but you just missed the 2:20 flight." This story may sound absurd, but in real life, there are indeed many people who often can't think about it and love to be serious. As a result, they delay their flight because they are too serious about a truth or thing they know well. There is such a sentence in the "Bible": "You have a plank in your own eye, how can you say to your brother: Let me remove the speck from your eye!" First remove the plank in your own eye, and then you can see clearly.Some women are unfortunate because they are too serious and too sensitive, sometimes approaching life with a morbid harshness.And this kind of harshness is often unreasonable or incorrect, as in the following story: There was a lazy woman who liked to judge others. One day, she saw the white sheets of her neighbors hanging on the balcony covered with many black spots, so she criticized and said, "I don't think the hostess of this house can even wash her clothes clean. I know how to manage the house and can only eat." But when she opened her window and saw that the neighbor's sheets were washed white and clean, she realized that it was her own windowpane that was filthy. Therefore, in order not to make such mistakes, we might as well be "confused", so that we can not only forgive others calmly, but also protect and release ourselves. Confused, the university of life also.How to be artistically and cleverly confused, with profound knowledge.In the Qing Dynasty, Zheng Banqiao came to the conclusion of "it's rare to be confused" in order to dispel his temporary frustration, and further pointed out, "It's hard to be smart, it's hard to be confused, and it's even harder to turn from being smart to being confused." In fact, being smart has rich connotations and different levels.As for being confused, it also has rich connotations and different levels.If you do some serious research, you will find that smartness can be divided into low-level smartness and high-level smartness, and stupidity can be divided into low-level stupidity and high-level stupidity. The so-called advanced intelligence is the intelligence that is "totally confused". Lao Tzu called it "great wisdom is like a fool", that is, "a real person does not show his face."The so-called elementary intelligence is superficial intelligence, Xunzi called it "covered in a song, darker than Dali", that is, "floating essence". The so-called high-level ignorance is the ignorance of "extremely intelligent". Mencius called it "hidden but not revealed", that is, "with a bright face and a clear heart".The so-called low-level confusion refers to confusion from the inside out, commonly known as "unable to break apart" or "not to be enlightened", that is, fundamental confusion. Here, a special warning is that people who have never been smart must not talk about being confused, let alone pursue being confused.As the saying goes: A minister of a subjugated country dare not speak of wisdom, and a general of a defeated army dare not speak of courage.Those who have not attained true intelligence and have not shaken off the low-level muddleheadedness to imitate "high-level muddleheadedness" will be really muddled to the end, a complete mess. The cleverness who doesn't understand the mystery of ignorance shows his sharpness everywhere, like a train without brakes, it is very easy to cause trouble. Cleverness who understands the mystery of ignorance is like a train equipped with brakes, which can move safely and reliably to its destination. Clever, ignorant of the mysteries of ignorance, stubborn and unreasonable, he often runs into walls like a nerd. The cleverness who masters the mystery of confusion can "conform to the principles of nature and conform to human feelings". He is a truly wise person and is welcomed everywhere. Really rare confusion, It is a kind of confusion after the sublimation of wisdom; It is a kind of self-restraint and calmness; It is a profound and extraordinary demeanor; It is a kind of uncontested and leisurely fun; It is a kind of overall grasp and far-sighted operation; It is a kind of humility and open-minded mind; It is a kind of low-key technique to protect one's life wisely and save one's life from danger. If a woman can do this, then her life must be considered the pinnacle. In social art, there is a rule of thumb: silence is golden.And in the family, especially between husband and wife, if you are "unsmiling", or feel "nothing to say", then you have to be vigilant: whether there is a crisis in the relationship between the two people. Marrying a wife, in addition to having children and procreating offspring, has another important benefit, that is, in the middle of the night, two people each hug a pillow and talk "pillow talk".The topic is never restricted, the body and mind are relaxed, tender, but free.Some words communicated with friends, colleagues or superiors may become bad words, sexual harassment or flattery... But whispered and intimate conversations between husband and wife are a kind of enjoyment, a kind of intimate communication. The so-called candid meeting, how can we reflect it without talking? Talking allows the other party to know what is in his heart, and from the other party's words, he can understand her needs, desires, and even worries.Conversing with the heart is simpler and more profound than kissing. When you narrate, a feeling of "complicity" makes the two of them feel more emotionally what is "confidant" and what is "comrades in arms"... I have seen two women quarreling, and one of them is like a shrew, abusing each other vigorously.But this one looked at her with a smile, and said nothing, nothing but a smile.Unexpectedly, seeing her expression, the "shrew" became extremely angry and incoherent. "Not talking" has become a sharp weapon in quarrels, which proves in another sense that people are eager for dialogue.If a pair of men and women who did not distinguish between each other before have nothing to say, or have nothing to say, they are undoubtedly suffering. There was an American named Mike who tried his best to pursue a girl.In the end, the two got married, but at this time Mike's mood was only hatred. He felt that the "long-term attack" was only because the woman deliberately made things difficult, so he developed a deformed revenge mentality.And his revenge method is very simple, that is, he has never said a word to his wife during the five years of marriage.When his wife could no longer bear this "suffocating" family atmosphere, she exposed her husband's cruel revenge to the TV reporter.With the solidarity of "people across the country", she finally divorced her husband.She was liberated, and the sign of that liberation was being able to share "whispers" with another person... The family is the dustbin of language and the back garden of words. Good words, bad words, love words, jokes, almost everything can be faced with the other half. This is a kind of trust and a kind of lyricism.You can say "hate" to your husband, but it's not necessarily easy to say it to your male colleagues; you can call your wife "cat" or "dog", but it's either too nasty or impolite to call your friends that way.What's more, the couple's night talk can eliminate misunderstandings. For example, when the husband comes back from get off work and gives his wife a hug, the sensitive wife smells a fragrance from him, so she thinks: I must have hugged some vixen before him... The more I thought about it, the angrier I became, and the angrier I became, the less I wanted to talk, and finally I had to have a big fight.Just imagine, if you could pinch your husband's face and say, "Which woman's fragrance do you wear on your body?" Her husband would definitely tell her with a smile that it was a gentleman in the same office who sprinkled the perfume on him on purpose to make him When he went back, it was "difficult to explain"... This was purely a joke, but because they didn't talk about each other when they went home, the misunderstanding intensified and the war broke out.It really comprehends the saying: if the lights are not lit, the words will not be clear. A neighbor couple saw an auction advertisement in the newspaper and were very satisfied with one of the paintings. At that time, they were determined to buy it, but they didn't say anything.On the day of the auction, the venue was crowded with people, and the two of them entered the venue separately.After raising her hands several times to bid, the wife found out that someone was competing with her for the bid, so she went all out and kept asking for the price, and finally bought the oil painting at a price five times more than the reserve price.As a result, when the show was over, the wife discovered that the competitor was actually her husband. Not long ago, a Japanese life insurance company conducted a survey and found that Japanese couples can generally talk for 1 hour and 50 minutes a day. In this regard, they feel strange that Japanese couples talk for so long every day.Later, after further verification, it was found that it was not a "conversation". In most cases, it was the wife who was muttering, and the husband just nodded or "ohhh" occasionally.The survey also found that there are three major topics of conversation between Japanese husbands and wives, namely "eating", "bathing" and "sleeping".In this regard, a Japanese marriage expert analyzed and pointed out that one of the reasons for the increasing number of divorces in Japan is that the number of "talks" between Japanese couples is decreasing. From this point of view, there is one way of emotional contact between husband and wife that can be done anytime and anywhere, which is heart-to-heart talk, of course, it means talking between two people. It is simpler and easier than making love, and more detailed and deeper than dancing. Couples in love have endless whispers and endless tenderness.Love letters flutter like snowflakes, and many vows have been made; a bunch of glances conveys a deep love; a greeting makes the other party's whole heart tremble... Married couples seem to have exhausted their love words when they were passionately in love. Now the language is surprisingly concise: "Is the meal ready?" "The child's clothes are dirty!" "It's time to go to bed." The survey found that Many people think: "Once they become husband and wife, they are their own family members. He loves me and I love her. Everyone knows this in their hearts. Why bother to say it? As a husband and wife , what he did was what he was supposed to do, and what she did was also her responsibility, so why should the two of you be so polite and hypocritical? Besides, when they are in love, they are young people, "I love you, I cannot do without you" Speaking of it now, it's strangely uncomfortable. "—This is the attitude that some couples now have towards emotional communication. Under the dominance of this concept, Chinese married men and women have changed from the intimacy and passion they had when they were passionately in love. After marriage, they feel shy and shy when expressing their feelings, even to the point of being indifferent.Such couples actually suffer from psychological "love deafness". "Love deafness" has the following manifestations in life: Seldom say some very sweet words to your lover; Never confess to your lover; The two never discussed sexual issues together; Seldom think about what the lover needs; Often feel that chatting with a lover is a waste of time; Like to do things alone, do not want to discuss with the spouse; think it is vulgar to deliberately please the other party; Can't figure out how your lover feels about you; Your lover does something that you are proud of, but you don't take it seriously, you think it's nothing special, and it's not worth being complacent; Encountering conflicts or problems, the couple often sulks; Think that "even in front of your lover, it is very shameful to admit your mistakes"; I am very dissatisfied with some things, but I am afraid that speaking out will hurt the harmony between husband and wife; I don't know my lover's current troubles; I don’t know what aspects my lover is dissatisfied with; Seldom sit down and exchange feelings after marriage; When a lover is angry, he often ignores it; There are many things I don't want to say to my lover; When discussing ideas in front of a loved one, the other party often appears absent-minded; Sometimes when two people are together, they feel bored; I seldom go to the bottom of why my lover is always in a bad mood. There are many reasons for couples' "love deafness".Of course, if the husband and wife no longer love each other, or one party has an affair, then "love deafness" is only an "accompanying" symptom.What should I do if I have "love deafness"? (1) Misconceptions should be broken.After getting married, life has indeed become more realistic, but only by developing a relationship similar to that before marriage, can ordinary life become fun, and people can experience the happiness of mutual support and consideration from the tedious life.Otherwise, burying one's head in the trivial matters of life every day will gradually make people feel bored, and the feeling of "marriage is the grave of love" will be confirmed. (2) Learn to create a new life together.Many things don't need to be completed in one day. You should pay attention to sorting out the tedious affairs, clarifying the priorities, learning to take a break from the busy schedule, and creating conditions for the entertainment and emotional exchange of the husband and wife.It should be realized that the entertainment and emotional communication between husband and wife is not only the need to consolidate and develop the relationship between husband and wife, but also an adjustment to busy and tense work. It can relax tense nerves and depressed emotions, so that people can relax Go to work and deal with daily affairs with great energy and physical strength. (3) In the intimate relationship between husband and wife, don't always think about your own dignity.Generally speaking, husbands and wives should not laugh at who is active, or who is enthusiastic, because active enthusiasm itself is a kind of respect and dependence on the lover. ! (4) Men must have a correct understanding of "manly".A real man should be: not only understand the righteousness, but also understand the details; not only have the seven emotions and six desires, but also be able to express them appropriately.That kind of man who lacks warmth and is cold is actually a person with an unhealthy mind. (5) Increase the harmony of sexual life.This is also a kind of glue that strengthens the relationship between husband and wife.If couples have problems in their sexual life, they must seek professional scientific guidance. Otherwise, it is quite unfortunate to spend decades in this pain in their lives. (6) Continue to express love after marriage.The deepening and stabilization of the relationship between husband and wife depends on their own efforts.People's feelings will change with living conditions, status, communication, etc. Only through continuous communication and mutual understanding can the relationship between husband and wife be maintained and developed.For this reason, husband and wife should learn to express their feelings, respond to their spouse's behavior in a timely manner, speak out when they praise, and pay attention to proportion and strategy when opposing.Pretending to be deaf and dumb can only harm oneself and him (her). Language is a symbol of human civilization. Couples living in a modern civilized society must make full use of language to communicate.One party tells a joke, or makes a joke, which immediately enlivens the atmosphere; expresses intimacy, and says a gentle and considerate word, which immediately arouses the spring tide in the other party's heart; an apology and kind comfort immediately dissolves the other party's resentment ;The endlessly debated issues become calm because of a sweet love word and gentle caress... Language has such a wonderful power, everyone might as well try it, you can definitely make the other party and yourself happy! (1) Criticism of critics who have the same shortcomings should not be counter-criticism.When the other party blames you, first accept the other party's criticism and tell the other party that you are willing to correct.Then when the other party calms down, strategically bring up this topic and offer your advice.In this way, a reasonable coordination can be achieved between husband and wife. (2) When the other party says that you have a sarcastic tone and a conceited demeanor, don't attack back.If your husband or wife says you have a sarcastic tone and a conceited demeanor, you may not feel it yourself, and you may even think you are very humble.but you don't know each other It's how you feel, so don't be too quick to deny it.As long as your husband or wife tells you, you should tell him that you didn't notice it, but thank him for telling you, and hope he can help you solve this problem together.Never come back with a counterattack and say no one has ever said that about you.Be aware that outsiders won't speak so bluntly about you at work or in social situations.Besides, the observation of outsiders is not as careful as that of a husband or wife.What needs to be emphasized here is that you may not be aware of the fact that others see it clearly in you.So don't be too quick to deny other people's feelings for you. (3) When your husband or wife expresses their feelings for you, you should neither refuse to accept it nor "exaggerate consent".If your husband tells you that subconsciously you just want to have a servant for you, you don’t need a husband; or your wife says that you treat her so harshly because you subconsciously want to return to your mother’s arms.At this time, there is no reason to deny it. You can only tell the other party that you don't have such thoughts in your consciousness, but since the other party thinks so, you have to think about it.In short, when someone expresses their feelings for you, they should not use destructive comments like "Why do you think that? It's incredible" as an excuse to refuse to accept, and to cover up the other party's criticism, otherwise it will damage the relationship between husband and wife.And don't use the worst way of answering, such as "Yes, I know I'm bad, let's just get divorced!" Create a gap between. A harmonious relationship between husband and wife is the result of the joint efforts of both parties. This means that since they are husband and wife, they should respect and love each other, especially mutual respect, because only a couple living in such an atmosphere can be happy and happy.However, there are also some couples who don't quite understand this truth. Some often vent their inner dissatisfaction with insulting words, and some use indecent nicknames to make fun of their husband or wife.In fact, this kind of words and deeds are extremely detrimental to the relationship between husband and wife. Husbands and wives who are reasonably healthy about insults may just feel a little sullen, or disappointed by the insulter or Sad, but will never feel hurt by the other party, because he knows that the other party's insulting words and deeds are due to poor judgment; if he really did something wrong to his spouse, he will admit that this is the punishment he "deserves".However, insults can cause a husband or wife who has psychological problems or insecurity to feel hurt or outraged, and the relationship can be jeopardized.This is because it is generally difficult for people with weak self-views to maintain a rational attitude when they are insulted. Once such people are insulted, quarrels are absolutely inevitable, and serious marriages may break down. How to respond reasonably to insults from your spouse? The first is to ignore the insult for a while and say, "I guess we're both in a bad mood right now, so can we pick a day to talk? How about tomorrow night?" The second way is to acknowledge the abuse and simply say, "It really hurts me when you say that." A third approach is to accept the core of what's going on behind the name-calling and say, "Maybe you should call me that, and I'm sorry to upset you." Of course, there is another situation that needs to be distinguished.For example, some husbands or wives use an insulting tone, and even a title intended to express respect and intimacy may also be spoken with a seriously insulting tone.This is the situation where the speaker has no intention and the listener has intention.As the listener, be calm and discuss with the speaker calmly.Tell the other party that saying this will cause people to misunderstand, it is best to change the way or tone; the speaker should reflect on himself and gradually get rid of this bad habit. In addition to fierce job competition, have you noticed that conflicts between husband and wife often come from one party's anger.As for the reason for getting angry every time, if you can write it down and look it up after a while, you will definitely feel ashamed and funny.Because most of those things are trivial and trivial, and it's not worth getting angry at all.But the truth is that you got angry over these little things that weren't worth getting angry at, and it caused a marital conflict.It's not worth it, but you can't control it, and you feel helpless, don't you? If so, here are a few ways you might try to stop your smoldering anger. (1) Save your anger.Anger is a stored force within your body that is used in response to unexpected events.You resort to anger because what happened is too big for your normal capacity.So, before you get angry, you should warn yourself: If you use your anger on trivial things, it will be a waste. (2) When you are tired, hungry, sick, unsatisfactory in work and life, and getting old, you should pay attention to preventing anger as you prevent electric shock.A gentle attitude and a peaceful atmosphere are of great benefit to your physical health. (3) Cultivate your ability to remain calm when you feel you are about to get angry.It is best to silently recite restrained words in your heart when the qi hits upwards. This is the mind adjustment method in qigong or Buddhism. (4) When you are angry about something to a certain extent, you should restrain yourself consciously.If you tell others to go away, it is better to go away yourself.Also, if the matter is over, you should quickly restore your mind to its original state and forget what happened just now.This is also a manifestation of what modern people can afford and let go. (5) Remember that your anger can also make others angry.Anger is a risky business, a storm that destroys love, and a great cause of domestic disharmony. In the midst of turmoil, it is necessary to avoid the expansion of conflicts. There are still some taboos about quarrels between husband and wife.These taboos should also be paid attention to. 1 Expand the contradiction in the quarrel In conflicts, some couples often feel unsatisfied after scolding each other severely, so they bring along some relatives of the other party.The opponent did not show any weakness, and did the same.Cursing and cursing like this often turns the conflict between husband and wife into a conflict between two families.Once the contradiction expands, it becomes more difficult to resolve. 2 Turn over old scores in quarrels Some couples always like to turn over old accounts in the quarrel, and when they quarrel, it is your past.As a result, you flipped and I flipped, which made the small quarrel even bigger and bigger.In particular, exposing each other's scars will cause serious psychological confrontation between husband and wife.As the saying goes: "Swearing at others does not reveal faults", it is still applicable in conflicts between husband and wife. 3 Throwing and smashing things in a quarrel Husband and wife quarreled, quarreled and quarreled, but it was just a dispute of words.But if one party starts to smash things, it means that the conflict has escalated.This kind of behavior of throwing and smashing things not only worsens the atmosphere, but also makes the other party more sad.Because she thinks you are showing lack of affection for her and for the family.Besides, this kind of behavior is not worth it from an economic point of view. Sooner or later, you will have to pay for these smashed things yourself. 4 resort to force in quarrel Some husbands often lose control of themselves when they are in a hurry, so they throw their fists at each other.You know, if you punch out, the relationship between husband and wife may be over, and she will remember this punch for the rest of her life.Because what you hit is not her person, but her heart.So, no matter how unreasonable she is, and no matter how angry you are, never use your fists.Besides, bullying the weak by the strong is definitely not what a real man does. 5 Threatening the other party to divorce during an argument Some people frequently threaten each other with divorce. This may have some "effects" at first, but it will cause endless troubles and make their lover perpetually grudge.As for threatening the other party with suicide, that is even more inadvisable. It will not only damage one's own image, but also leave indelible wounds and cracks in the hearts of both parties. There is nothing more intimidating than a nagging, whining woman.But it’s okay not to complain, a woman who works hard and bears no complaints is the worst.When a man is used to being served, everything becomes a matter of course. If you fail to do well once or twice, he will feel dissatisfied instead.Does this keep people from complaining? Just think about it when you complain: (1) Ask yourself first: Is it worth complaining? Complaining about a man’s stubbornness, he is likely to have great perseverance and perseverance in doing things; complaining about a man’s carelessness and informality, he is likely to be innocent, straightforward, easy-going; complaining about a man Self-righteous, he may well be really smart and capable.God treats people fairly, He gives you advantages while giving you disadvantages. If you want to get his good, you have to tolerate his bad.We can't control their character and behavior, we can only control our own views on them.When you want to complain, turn your mind 180 degrees, think about the positive side, and you will be relieved. (2) The second is to think about it: how much can he change after listening to my complaints? Human nature is inherent, and it is difficult to control yourself. A husband once said to his wife: "If I really do something to hurt I must not have done your business." The wife didn't think it was an excuse to avoid responsibility at all.Sometimes people really don't know what they are doing. 有位太太抱怨她先生心胸狭窄，对人冷漠，但看他年纪轻轻，一直都顺顺利利，得到过很多人无私的帮助，真让人搞不明白。你说这究竟该怎么解释?有时研究一下血型与性格的关系，研究研究男人和女人的区别，对了解婚姻本身不无帮助。让我们尽力改造能改造的，平静地接受不能改造的，并且多从生活中学习经验和总结教训。 (3)如果你的抱怨要非说不可，那就谈谈该在何时何地抱怨。天天抱怨，男人很容易把你的话当做耳边风。所以你要么不抱怨，要么就大“抱”一通，而且得是你真正要抱的怨。你如果是要抱怨他不爱你了，就不必扯什么：“你那天贼眉鼠眼地盯了某某半天!” (4)还要切记，在人前或孩子面前抱怨丈夫，绝对是大大的失算。中国人的面子总是比什么都重要的。他非但不改，很可能还怀恨在心，没有多少自信心的男人尤其如此。 (5)当他因为别的事心情不好，或者工作很忙的时候也不必抱怨，他听不进的。你也许会说：不当场指出来，过一会儿就忘了。能让你很快就忘的，那一定不值得小题大作。要抱怨，挑有空又安静的时候，逐条将你的不满说出来，希望他能改，不改的话，后果会怎样，并且告诉他你会说到做到的。 (6)还有一个抱怨的好时机，就是他心情好，想为你做点什么的时候。例如，丽有一次过生日，她丈夫问她许的是什么愿。她平时最恨丈夫迟归不告，屡劝不改，所以她趁机说这一年别无它愿，只是希望以后他晚上有事不能准时回家时，能够记得打电话回家，让她不至于担惊受怕。丈夫心里有点不是滋味，想到妻子的生日愿望竟然是因为自己，便不想让妻子扫兴，也就慨然应允。“要是做不到呢?”“那就忘一次给你洗三天碗。”两人于是高高兴兴吃起蛋糕。 提出这个问题，你可能觉得好笑。但在生活中，就是有很多人不会争吵，甚至不清楚争吵的意义。下面就有两个例子： “我们从来不吵嘴。我丈夫和我都是平静随和的人。但我们总觉得有点不对劲，缺少真正的爱情。我不知道问题出在哪里。” “我们为一点小事情就可以争吵一番。这简直可笑。这也使我们彼此感到厌倦。因为孩子的缘故，我们不想离婚，可我也不清楚将来会怎么样。” 夫妻在家庭生活中不论怎样进行心理调试，也难免有矛盾，如果对矛盾处得得不好，矛盾就会激化，表现为争吵、分居、甚至离婚。在正常情况下，人和人的关系处于平衡的状态中，人的心理也处于平衡的状态中；如果夫妻发生了争吵，甚至互相不理睬了、分居了、闹离婚了，这时，人的心理就处于一种失衡的状态。人的心理丧失平衡的时候，是很难受的，懊恨、气恼、后悔等等情绪一起涌上心头。在这种情况下，人们都有一种力图恢复心理平衡的倾向。一般地说，夫妻吵架后总想言归于好，那么怎样才能言归于好呢? 争吵对于正常的人与人之间的关系是必不可少的。没有争吵，关系就不会健康地发展。关系越密切，争吵也就变得越为重要。千万不要把争吵当做坏习气压制下去。这样的话，矛盾依然存在，而且会随着时间的推移使人与人之间的关系搞得不正常。 卡耐基指出，推心置腹的争吵能使友情进一步巩固，从不争吵的伙伴心里最清楚，他们之间的关系是容易破裂的。只是为了维持关系，他们才会避免发生争吵。 但是，夫妻间怎样争吵才能恰到好处呢? 首先，夫妻之间最好不要吵架，当一方发火的时候，另一方不要“针锋对麦芒”，“以牙还牙”。在没有吵起来的时候，恢复友好气氛也容易；如果吵起来，就容易弄得不可收拾。 但是，如果不幸吵架爆发了，吵过以后，要若无其事，在家里该怎么讲话就怎么讲，该干什么还是干什么。“天上下雨地上流，小俩口吵架不记仇”，牙齿哪有不咬舌头的?这时，千万不要互不理睬。如果吵架以后行若无事，那么心理平衡就会很快恢复；如果互不理睬，那么丧失心理平衡的时间会延续得比较长。 的确，在家庭生活中，一对关系密切的伴侣互不理睬了，那是很别扭的。这时，双方都有后悔情绪，都希望打破这个僵局，但是谁都感到难以先启齿，于是夫妻一直处于“中断外交关系”的状态之中。这时最好一方姿态高些，主动打破僵局，诚恳地和对方谈一次，多作自我批评，少责备对方，从而迅速恢复心理平衡。往往是先和对方谈心，谈心前感到千难万难，谈心后如释重负，豁然开朗，觉得早该这么做。 其次，要把“善意”争吵与“恶意”争吵区别开来。恶意的争吵就像在泥潭中的格斗，引起争吵的问题往往被搁置在一旁，争吵的人只是为了争吵而争吵。善意的争吵是围绕着问题的焦点，遵循着一定的规则把话讲出来。下面是几条提示，它们被证明在争吵过程中是很值得遵循的： (1)公平地争吵。注意不要给对方造成心灵上的创伤。每一个人心理上有一条界线。对别人的攻击是不能超越这一界线的，否则就会使矛盾激化。当然也有一部分人，他们异常敏感，总觉得自己受到了伤害。这一类人需要锻炼，学会容忍别人的攻击。 (2)诚恳地争吵。应该把自己的缺点表现出来并同时尊重别人。伙伴之间的争吵不像拳击赛那样有不同的重量级别。如果强者用简单粗暴的方法把弱者吓唬住，那么这样的争吵就决不会有好结果。在善意的争吵中根本不存在着“胜利者”和“战败者”。 (3)不要为私生活争吵。私生活与争吵是水火不相容的。私生活问题虽然要公正地解决，但却要十分小心地进行商谈。 (4)有目标地争吵。每一次争吵都应有一个目标，也就是说要解决特定的问题。一切都应围绕着这一目标进行。在争吵中即使达不到统一，也一定要阐明各自的观点 (5)现实的态度。为陈年老账争吵是没有丝毫意义的。善意争吵的起因永远是现实问题，是当时、当地发生的问题。 以上是五条基本的准则。需要补充的是，在争吵中要避免使用不恰当的语句。例如“这简直是胡说八道!”如果他真是在“胡说八道”，那你还有什么必要同他继续争下去呢? 另外，还要避免使用“没有一次”、“总是”等这一类词。例如说“你没有一次准时回来吃饭!”或“你总是忘记关门!”这两句话表达的都不可能是事实。这样的话只能激怒别人，导致双方互相抱怨，使矛盾加深。 恰到好处的争吵是一门艺术，是生活的一部分。在人的一生中争吵是免不了的，不管是主动地去吵还是被动地去吵。如果你能学会驾驭争吵的技巧，那么，它将为你的生活服务。 有一幅漫画很有意思：夫妻两个人在公园里吵架，吵得很凶，妻子手里拿着一把伞。忽然，乌云密布，下大雨了，于是两个人也不吵了，共打一把伞，身体靠在一起，回家去了。 还有一则笑话也很有意思：夫妻两人多次吵架，最后决定离婚，于是两个人一起到乡政府去办离婚手续。路上经过一条小河，由于发大水，水深了，过不去。这时，丈夫二话不说，把妻子背过去了。妻子到了乡政府，说不离婚了。问她为什么，她说：“如果离婚了，回去的时候谁背我过河呢?” 这幅漫画、这则笑话说明了这两对夫妻并没有根本性的矛盾，一场大雨、一个过河问题就能使他们的心理恢复平衡，言归于好了。 夫妻吵嘴时，所说的话往往不计后果，有些话会刺伤对方的自尊心，伤害其感情。比如下面的这些话： 第一，“离婚”! 对夫妻来说，“离婚”、“散伙”是非常敏感、沉重的词儿，不到感情破裂时千万不可 顺嘴而出。轻率地提及这些词是很危险的：一是容易撕裂夫妻间的感情纽带使对方产生不必要的猜测，变得心灰意冷；二是容易加深家庭矛盾，长此以往，就会真的出现离婚的恶果。王女士和丈夫感情不错，只是偶尔有点口角，这本来算不了什么，可是王女士一到情绪激动时，便口无遮拦，顺嘴便说：“吵什么吵，不行就离婚!”第一次这么说的时候丈夫还没有太在意，几次以后，他就觉得不是滋味了，以为是妻子移情别恋了，所以才把离婚挂在嘴上。一来二去，丈夫对妻子越来越疏远，两个人不久就真得走上了离婚的道路。 第二，“窝囊废”! 刘先生是位知识分子，对专业以外的事情不太在行。妻子看到别人的丈夫都能帮着妻子做些家务。炒菜做饭，非常羡慕，因此越发对丈夫不满，经常发牢骚说：“你可真是个窝囊废，干啥啥不行，做啥啥不会。”她的本意是刺激他学会点专业以外的本领，可事与愿违，她越是经常这么说，丈夫越是“窝囊”，因为她使他怯于学习，他觉得无论自己多么努力，也不会赶上妻子的水平。这位妻子可能有所不知，她正用这些话语摧毁丈夫的自信心，伤害夫妻感情。正确的做法是，给配偶以积极的鼓励来提高他的能力。 第三，“当初真是瞎了眼”! 类似的话还有“早知今日，何必当初”、“跟了你真是倒了八辈子大霉”，等等。愤愤地说这些话时，浓浓的懊悔情绪是显而易见的，这怎么能不伤害配偶的自尊心呢?丈夫下岗了，妻子惊呆了，想到这事会给她来带来耻笑和白眼，会增加家庭的经济负担，还想到答应给儿子买钢琴……不由火气冲天：“当初真是瞎了眼，嫁了你这么一个没饭吃的男人!?”话刚说完，脸上就挨了丈夫一个大大的耳光，因为丈夫也正在焦虑上火，听到这样的话又怎能不格外生气呢?其实，妻子应在丈夫人生的航船遭受风雨的紧要关头，将爱的缆绳牢牢地系在对方的船上，用温柔的情感将其拉出险滩。任何后悔的话，不仅不能解决问题，反而会使问题变得复杂，使感情之舟搁浅。 第四，“你看看人家某某……” 常言道：“货比货得扔，人比人得死。”在当今许多家庭里，“比照教育法”成了夫妻间教育对方的重要方法之一，这实际上是一种攀比心理作怪。尤其是作妻子的，就更是常常使用这种方法埋怨丈夫。因为中国传统观念中，总是把丈夫当做一家之主，丈夫兴则兴，丈夫衰则衰，而且丈夫的兴衰直接关系到妻子的个人利益，所以她们便习惯于找上几个“典型人物”来作例子。这一点就是在知识女性中也不可避免。比如说：“你看人家小李的丈夫，年纪轻轻就当了总经理，再看看你呢?”对自己的丈夫采用这种“比较教育”的方式，无论是直率还是委婉，都含有“你不如某某”之意，因此常常使脾气好的丈夫也尴尬至极，脾气坏的丈夫则会说：“人家好就跟人家过去!”结果是给小家庭投下浓浓的阴影。应该理解的是，每个人都有自己的长处和短处，妻子应该懂得如何抓住时机鼓励丈夫，而不是讽刺挖苦他，讽刺挖苦的结果只能是适得其反。 第五，“你管不着!” 夫妻间最可宝贵的东西是信任，最有害的东西是猜疑。生活中，有的夫妻因相互信任而和和气气，感情日益加深；有的夫妻因相互猜疑而吵吵闹闹，感情日渐疏远。“这事你管不着”这样的话往往容易使对方产生误解，以为你有什么事向他隐瞒，渐渐地他对你也就不信任了。比如，妻子回家晚了，丈夫问“你干什么去了这么晚才回来?”这本来是关心的话，可做妻子的如果正好赶上不顺心，就会说：“你管不着”!丈夫当然会很委屈，而且还会暗自琢磨：她是不是有什么不可告人的秘密?猜疑不觉而生，于是家庭风波就不知不觉中酝酿起来。 第六，“撒泡尿照一照自己!” 俗话说：打人不打脸，骂人不揭短。所谓“短”，就是指人在体格、行为、思想品质等方面的不足，曾经有过的毛病，或者是本人最不乐意提及的事情。这些“短处”在夫妻生活中一般是讳莫如深的，就像伤疤没有人愿意忍痛去揭它。可是当火气上来时，这个心照不宣的默契就容易被打破，有些夫妻怎么痛快怎么说，完全不计后果。比如，有一位妻子对其貌不扬的丈夫恨恨地说：“撒泡尿照一照吧，我的美男子!”这样说，分明含有人身攻击的意味，这是一种丧失理智的说话方式，不但会伤害对方的自尊心和感情，也会在夫妻二人之间掘出一道难以跨越的鸿沟。 第七，“你那个相好……” 在现实生活中，恋爱一次就成功的人为数并不算多，既然如此，不少夫妻就有一个如何对待对方旧恋的问题。有的人动辄以“你那个相好的”为题发表“演讲”，并以戏谑的态度和语言挖苦配偶，以为这样才能解自己心头的闷气，促使配偶割断旧情。殊不知，这样做最容易伤害配偶的自尊心，最容易使配偶拿你和旧恋人做比较，最容易使配偶旧情萌发。如果采取相反的态度，把配偶以往的恋情当做一段尘封的往事，理解和尊重对方在婚前的那段经历，这样更容易使配偶忘记旧情，一心爱你。 当错误出现之后，作为女性应该有自我批评的勇气，这是品质修养的重要内容。品德高尚的人，心胸坦荡，不掩饰自己的缺点和错误，勇于批评和自我批评；缺乏涵养的人，心胸狭窄，虚荣心强，不仅容不得别人的批评，而且也羞于做自我批评。事实上，在夫妻矛盾中，主动认错，不仅提高了对方的高贵感，而且你本身也为自己的品格高尚而快乐。 夫妻间应该学会自责，禁用指责。自责就是自我批评。人都有自我尊重的需要。当你知 道错误时，最好在别人指责之前，抢先认错，这会使双方都感到愉快。自我批评比别人的指责好受的多。为什么呢?因为自责本身，既承认了对方的自尊，又维护了自己的自尊。而指责是对配偶的错误和缺点进行批评和责难。虽然是一片好心，对方往往不领情。为什么呢?因为指责本身否定了对方的自尊，因而必会遭到“反抗”。所以，自责是解决矛盾、消除隔阂的最好办法。 夫妻双方，一旦知道自己错了，立刻用对方责备的话自责，对方就无话可说了。 有的夫妻发生矛盾时，为了保全面子，往往都不肯认错。丈夫方面的原因，是“大男子主义”作怪，觉得放不下架子，“熊”在女人手里，没有了“大丈夫气概”；妻子这方的原因，是虚荣心太强，有时明明知道是自己的错误，但宁愿用行动来表示对丈夫的亲近，嘴上也决不说半个“错”字。 因此，夫妻间发生了冲突，妻子要主动承担责任。即使当时你还不能肯定自己是否错了，也最好先表示歉意。表示歉意时，一定要及时、认真、富有诚意。这样做，丈夫一方面会显得不好意思，另一方又充满了对你的敬佩和感激之情。回过头来，会加倍地对你施以报答。因为你满足了他的虚荣和自尊。千万不要把道歉的时间推迟到“以后”和“明天”，事后的道歉不会有多大效果。 在现实生活中，往往有这种情况，说话迟钝的丈夫和唠叨不休的妻子在一起，一同到车站去，妻子会用尖叫的声音，喋喋不休地对丈夫说： “那不是站台吗?快点走，车快开啦!” 严厉而无情的态度，处处显示出她要出风头，而把丈夫当成自己的驯服工具，想按自己的人生观度过一生，这样一来，妻子就会给对方撒下不满的种子。 妻子要求丈夫有能力，有作为，但要处处追随自己。这样的夫妻关系，丈夫一辈子也不会有出头之日。 往往有这种情况，夫妻之间，一方擅长的事，对方不擅长，就用自己的眼光批评对方，结果引起对方的不满，因而产生了矛盾。 上面说的是夫妻之间，妻子能干，丈夫悠闲，妻子就用自己的水平批评丈夫。 可是，反过来，妻子干什么事情都很轻率，丈夫遇事沉着，从丈夫来说，可能批评妻子不稳重。 经常批评别人的人，往往看不见自己的缺点。总认为自己了不起，批评别人“为什么就做不到”，什么事认为自己都行。 换一个立场，对方能做到的，自己做不到的事，是经常有的，只是自己没有注意罢了。 结婚多年的夫妻，两个人的能力和性格当然都有所改变。对方有不足之处，应该弥补对方之不足。 自己优点应该发扬，不要要求对方也和自己一样，因为你的优点，也可能是对方的缺点，应该用自己的优点，弥补对方的缺点。 做妻子的应该说：“请你发挥自己的长处。”并作出支援的姿态，推动丈夫向上，即使丈夫懦弱，这样做也能焕发出干劲来。不过，千万可不能说：“你太差劲了!” “怎么连这点小事都做不好，真无用。”这样说，会使丈夫更加自卑，成为一个性情懦弱的人，有潜力也发挥不出来。 特别是男人，即使自己是个懦夫，也有自尊心。他在妻子面前，总想显示一点男子汉的威风。 所以，女人说男人“无用”，对男人来说，这是莫大的污辱。特别是自己妻子说自己“无用”，这简直令丈夫难以容忍。 妻子的指责无非恨铁不钢，想叫丈夫能把潜力挖掘出来。 丈夫没有干劲，妻子应该敲敲警钟，但不能唠叨，更不能轻侮，唠叨与轻侮都是贤内助不应有的态度。 一个家庭，首先要有“欢乐气氛”。如果丈夫潜力没有发挥出来，应该给他创造一个发挥潜力的环境。作为妻子，指责或是挑剔都是不应该的。职业女性中的你，对待丈夫是不是也是这样?但愿不是。