Chapter 32 Lesson 5 The Essentials of a Happy Marriage

The joy that love brings us is unparalleled.However, to get love, it takes energy and action.A good love relationship does not happen naturally, it requires conscious effort and action, not just good intentions.In order to develop rich and fulfilling love relationships, a more proactive and positive attitude must be adopted.Love requires that people should clearly know how to make the one they love happy, that is to have a loyal heart and be able to give sincerely.Bottom line: love requires voluntary, lighthearted action.If there is no action but only empty talk or even complaining and blaming, the two parties will gradually develop resentment, which will eventually lead to the destruction of the love relationship.

The development of a love relationship is in no way determined by fate, but is governed by the ongoing commitment of the loving couple to love.We can all wake up to what we are doing early in a relationship.But despite good intentions, over time many people become lazy and desensitized or even numb to the impact their actions and relationships can have.Love relationships are not static: either toward deepening or toward shattering. The responsibility of the loving couple in a love relationship is uninterrupted, because love is a feeling, a continuous, warm, vibrant feeling.You should take the initiative to take strong measures to determine the fate of love.In this way, you are no longer a passive player in love behavior, but an active person who pursues love.

Additionally, being positive about change is essential to building a strong, long-lasting love relationship.Some couples encounter many difficulties and obstacles in love, and the reason is often that they stubbornly resist the changes that should be made in love.They fear that their love is not strong enough or durable enough to handle the negative consequences of unpredictable change.But a true, lasting love relationship should be flexible enough to welcome changes in love with a realistic, positive attitude. Love relationships are constantly changing and renewing over time.In the early stages of love, there are exhilarating and wonderful feelings to experience from time to time.At this stage, we are not afraid of change because we are eager to discover new and all-new traits in our loved ones.Then, something worrisome happens: the relationship reaches a level of perfection that neither partner wants to change anymore.From then on, the freshness of love will gradually fade away, but if you accept the changes in love, you will continue to experience the fresh vitality brought by love.

We must treat all kinds of changes correctly, on the one hand, our own changes; on the other hand, the changes of our lovers.You can neither be afraid of your own changes, nor be afraid of your lover's changes.You should believe that your lover can treat your changes correctly, and his love and trust in you are enough to offset the new problems brought about by your changes, even unhappiness and fear.At the same time, when you discover changes in your lover, you should also give understanding, respect and freedom. It is inevitable that people experience emotional ups and downs during changes in love relationships.On the one hand, it makes people feel uncomfortable, but on the other hand, it hits the feeling of boredom and staleness in a long-term relationship.Just because a relationship is at a low ebb doesn't mean the relationship is beyond repair, even the most perfect relationships have their hard times.The emergence of difficulties or low tides in love relationships just requires both parties to deal with changes with a flexible and positive attitude!

People often say that the "seven-year itch" is the danger of marriage, but for most people who are in love, the one-year itch is a common occurrence. In other things, a week can be a long time.However, in terms of love, fifty-two weeks is enough for problems. You can see his shortcomings, know whether he is considerate and generous, whether he has talent and savings, and you can even understand what makes him happy or sad.The most important thing is that you know if you are compatible.If you feel dissatisfied, love will turn red after a year. However, the relationship does not have to end there. There are some things you can do to make your marriage stronger.

1 sense of humor Have you ever laughed with him? A sense of humor is important in a relationship.Funny men are very attractive, and a sense of humor makes life full of optimism and harmony, which can make love strong. It's one thing to have a joke, but quite another to play a prank.You are afraid of spiders, but he grabs one and puts it on your head and laughs. You can be sure that you will go crazy if you get along with him.You have a real sense of humor when you laugh together. 2 sexual agreement How are you doing? For most people, a year is enough time to find out if you are sexually aligned.If he never takes you anywhere but the bedroom, it's obvious that's all he's interested in.It's a terrible thing if he's not interested in entertaining you.He couldn't grasp the idea of ​​"mutual satisfaction" a year later, and he won't be able to in the future.

But if he's gentle, caring, sweet and you don't get an orgasm, would you give him a failing grade? The answer is, not yet.Women need a sense of security before they can be sexually open, and it takes more than a year to form a sense of security. 3 time together Do you spend a lot of time together? If he goes to football games on the weekends or hits the bar after get off work and then returns, it's clear that he doesn't put you first. During the first year of your relationship, you should spend your weekends together, at least most of them, and get to know each other about your weekend plans.

4 trust Trust is the most important thing in a relationship and it takes time to build.In the first year, you need to know if you trust him or not.He's out alone, can you believe he's not doing something illicit behind your back? If he does something in the first year without telling you, he will intensify it later, and he doesn't want you to know, so he keeps it from you.It is very dangerous for you.If you have doubts about him, covertly gather some evidence to see if this is true, and then decide what steps to take. 5 habits Can you live with his eccentricities? In a year's time, you should see him for what he is.Now, he may be a completely different person than when you first met him.At that time, he loved to wear a gentleman's hat, but his habit of wearing a hat and his habit of hiccupping when you first met disappeared together.That's all well and good, just keep in mind that nasty habits can only get worse.

If his habits are bothering you, you need to take a long-term view.You feel happy living with him, and usually you have to live with his flaws.If you hate him picking his nose, try to accept him.And habits such as alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, whoring, etc., of course you can't bear it, and you must make a clean break with men who have such habits. 6 friends Are they his, yours, or friends you all know? Having the same circle of friends in common helps a lot in maintaining a relationship.If you like friends of the same kind, this is a good sign that you agree.However, if he spends more time with his friends than with you, it's a clear sign that your relationship isn't stable.

It's even worse if you don't like each other's friends.You won't like his pastimes.But if you really don't like most of his friends, ask yourself why, maybe you're avoiding confronting the part of him that you don't like.After all, he and his friends have something in common, otherwise, he would not be friends with them.You should talk about maintaining your respective ways of making friends so that it doesn't hurt the relationship. 7 ambition Do your aspirations match his? It's been a year, and it's time for you to talk about your hopes, dreams, and fears, and understand what it is.

It is undeniable that like-mindedness is conducive to the consolidation and development of relationships.You have common goals, coupled with joint efforts, mutual support, will strengthen the relationship.It is even better if you have a common marriage aspiration, so many negative factors will become positive. 8 romantic Is it less, or more? If you receive a bouquet of flowers, or a beautiful solid gold ring on your first anniversary, you don't have to worry about his romantic ability anymore.Next year, he might send you a travel ticket to Paris.You may not like the pompous gesture, but he's so perceptive, you don't have to get bored.If you are already suspicious of him, you'd better decline the gift that is too expensive, lest you feel owed when you decide to break up. I have known him for a year, if you feel a little "itchy", you should reflect on it in time.Wait another year and the itch turns to pain.Think about it, is he worth your wait for another year? During the love stage, under normal circumstances, girls always have a certain amount of initiative and advantages. They can let their lovers go around with them, or they can be more willful, naughty, and playful, which is really cute.Before marriage, it is very intoxicating to cuddle and whisper to each other. However, once married, who would have guessed that the Garden of Eden in the dream would look like this: full of complicated chores, heavy housework, and a series of endless but unavoidable practical problems. In the face of family affairs after marriage, women should take the initiative to reach a clear sense of contract with men before marriage, who mainly does what and who should do what, both parties must agree on it, and do not let differences follow up on marriage. Many couples often quarrel over who will do the chores of the family, that is, the mutual contract is not clear, and they start a family hastily. .Suddenly one day, a more harmonious third party breaks into your lover's life, and may take away his heart. In order to prevent such conflicts from happening, wives and husbands should "make an agreement in three chapters": (1) If your husband is mainly responsible for the financial burden of the family, then you should let him rest at home more.Housework is mainly borne by you. (2) If you and your husband are both salarymen with ordinary incomes, and both of you get off work hard to and from get off work every day, then you need to negotiate together and do a good job in the division of housework.Of course, some wives naturally like to take care of family affairs and keep their husbands from intervening. (3) If your work and income contribute more to the family than your husband, maybe you can ask your husband to take more care of you during your busy schedule.But as a housewife, a woman always strives to do more for the family. Like the famous British Prime Minister Mrs. Thatcher, she has to get up early every day to cook breakfast for her husband! As long as you are not too tired, it is best to do more The interest of being a housewife has the charm of a wife. Lessons from Keeping Your Marriage Lasting Asked to comment on the state of marriage, nearly every adult would express pessimism about the rising divorce rate.Indeed, this is the truth, but why don't we look at marriage optimistically? After investigation and research, there are still many couples who love each other and their marriage lasts for a long time.Experts summed up their experience and think that the following experience is worth learning. 1 love Just as flour is indispensable for making cakes, love is indispensable for marriage.Love is at the heart of marriage.Love enables two people of different genders to live together intimately. Without love, there is only physical proximity, and the relationship will not be harmonious. Also know that love grows with each passing day.Even if the relationship appears a little irritable and monotonous, love can make up for it. 2 realism This is as important as love.Realism tells you: even the fire of physical lust cools down.You can take more comfort in knowing that even the most loving couples sometimes disagree.This tells you that everyone has painful and uncomfortable times, and when these times pass, your relationship can be strengthened again. 3 courtesy This is an important factor in strengthening a marriage that many people forget.When they fell in love, the two did care and respect each other. When they said something, they often considered whether they showed warmth and whether they were accepted by the other party. Yet the same two people, shortly after their marriage, threw this politeness aside with appalling brutality.Even if you were deeply in love when you fell in love, impolite behavior after marriage will wash away the love. A couple who have lived in harmony for more than 20 years said that they have never said anything that hurt each other. They believe that politeness is not only important in the stage of establishing love, but also very important in maintaining and promoting the marriage relationship of love. "Thank you" and "Please..." are polite words that are commonly used in dating. If they can continue to be used in marriage, the love between the two will definitely increase further. Unfortunately, some couples forget or even trample on politeness, speaking in a commanding manner, in a rough tone of voice, and with a stern look on their face.Needless to say, the love between the two will suffer, and even conflicts will arise from this. 4 honesty Many couples place a high value on honesty.Honesty and trust go hand in hand.Treat each other honestly, and you can trust each other. However, being honest and being completely truthful are not the same thing.Example: Your partner bought herself a substandard coat and you say, "Honey, you look great in that!" It's not dishonest.While sometimes saying something untrue, such as, "I don't care if you wear baggy clothes—to me, you're beautiful all the time," it's honest and thoughtful. Of course, there are other ways to show honesty, and sharing responsibility is one of them.It is dishonesty if the husband does not do any housework and the wife works as a full-time housewife to "work in exchange for maintenance". Questions of honesty are also reflected in the handling of money.It is also not honest if a husband spends most of his income on his own enjoyment and neglects the happiness of his wife and family. 5 laughs This may not be very important to some couples, but to others it is an important factor in maintaining a happy and long-lasting marriage. Of course, laughing and joking can't solve big problems, but sometimes it helps: it makes the relationship harmonious, and some unnecessary quarrels can be resolved with laughter. Don't just say funny words and do funny things on one side, it will be more effective if two people do it together.If only one party does it, it seems that one party is pleasing the other party, and the long-term development will make this party feel that he has been "playing the role of a clown". 6 Maintain personal freedom It's an important aspect of a relationship, and for some couples, it's the one that matters most.Marriage establishes a relationship, but the two are still independent and free, and they can still think about and do their own things.If one party occupies the other party too much and does not allow the other party to have personal freedom, then the marriage will easily break down.The old marriage form of "the husband sings and the wife follows" is gone forever. If the husband still treats his wife with this attitude, it will inevitably lead to resistance. In a marriage relationship, two people can have common friends and common interests, or they can have personal friends and personal interests. interest.In addition, the two have time together, and should occasionally have time apart. After reading the above summary of the experience of maintaining a long-lasting marriage, you may ask, why is there no sex? Experts point out that in a real marriage, sex does not play a very important role.In many happy marriages, the weight of sex is very light.However, why have there been divorce cases in recent years due to sexual dissatisfaction? Experts believe that sexual dissatisfaction is only a superficial phenomenon, but the root cause is lack of love, unrealism, impoliteness, dishonesty, and lack of freedom. As a wife, you can't fundamentally change a man, but you can influence him and sometimes change his behavior. Some people become more lovely and improve their character after marriage, which may be the result of living with a person who is really in love.Couples can also have a subtle influence on each other. How to change your husband? First of all, you must be sure that you are right, that is, this change is good for him, or good for you; the reason why you want to change him is not because he has different hobbies from yours (For example, he is willing to wear a suit, but you want him to wear jeans), but because his habits are really bad.If you really think that your change to him is reasonable, you can do it according to the following principles: Lead by example.If you are a good person, kind and patient, you should show him.Then, you can make him do what you do, and he may change.Never point fingers.Blaming can only make people defend themselves, but reinforce bad behavior.If you want him to change, don't accuse him of being "hateful." manipulate.Simply put, manipulation means the use of certain tactics and diplomacy to get someone to do what you want them to do and to do what helps them.Many countries have used strategy and diplomacy to save their country from war, why can't we use it to change husbands? So how can you manipulate your husband? You can bring up a certain theme over and over, suggestively, lovingly, until you succeed.For example, you can say something like: "Look, you have the best legs and the most beautiful teeth in the world... If you lose 30 pounds, it will be even better!" You can also say 〖BF〗 : "〖〖BFQ〗My mother likes you very much... She told me, I am married to you, it is my luck. You don't need to visit her often, just visit her every six months, but if you are not on Thursday It would be nice to come back in the evening instead of Friday morning, because then we can take her to dinner on her birthday, and my mother and I will be very happy." Wouldn't it be more effective to just say that than to say, "You owe my mother this! Why are you so selfish about yourself?" When your husband comes home full of complaints from a busy day, don't lose your temper with him.You'd better meet him at the door, and he'll pour you a drink, a cold beer, rub your feet, or wash your face with water.How can he lose his temper with you when you are such a lovely angel! Actually, you are not trying to be an angel, you are trying to save yourself from reprimand.This approach does work. When your husband is frustrated at work and comes home, or when your husband wakes up in a bad mood, you will find that the atmosphere around you will be as tense as full of gunpowder, making you feel very depressed.At this time, you must not contradict him. When you are about to get angry, you should think about the bad consequences of getting angry.Yes, you can vent your anger a little bit, but then you feel guilty, regret it, and worry about whether you should apologize... This is true of people who get angry first, without exception.You should try to avoid creating passivity for yourself.When you want to lose your temper, you can leave your husband, go to another room, or leave the house.Instead of storming out the door in a huff, explain to your husband that you want to go out and calm down.After an hour, you'll feel much better. When you are about to accuse your husband, you should shut up! You can take a deep breath and shift your attention to other objects, such as thinking about travel, thinking about your new sweater, until you calm down . Once you've started arguing, pay attention to the language you use.Instead of saying things like, "You're wrong!" or "You're lying!" instead of saying, "I disagree with you. That's how I feel." Get up, this battle must have a beginning and an end.Some people say that you should try not to let it escalate, however, it is recommended that you try to serve him already scrambled eggs.You can say something like: Bombing done! Truce! After the quarrel is over, you should take the initiative to walk up to him and apologize to him.Before apologizing, you are convinced that nothing is wrong with you.But you should think that there must be something wrong with you, otherwise he won't be so angry.Even if your quarrel was started by your "quiet" husband, you should sincerely apologize to him.After your apology, you should discuss with your husband how to avoid the fight next time.This time, you have a problem with "communicating with each other", but you hope to communicate better in the future. Of course, some problems can be solved in bed.The bed is a great place to address these issues.You don't want to feel like you're seducing your husband or being a little condescending, just to get rid of the anger. When the husband feels that he is more interested in being with the boys and his co-workers; when the husband feels that life is more beautiful when he is outside and playing in nature with his friends than when he stays at home with his wife ; as a wife, how should you treat and deal with these? This is actually a potential danger.At this time, as a wife, you should treat and deal with it calmly and rationally.If you are angry in your words and resentful in your actions, it will make the young husband feel that his life outside is more free, more casual, and more carefree. Be more unrestrained, and even feel that his partner in the family has become a stumbling block to his actions.Then, the result will be counterproductive, and even eventually she will lose her husband, at least towards a split emotionally. Psychologists believe that a sensible wife will understand that the impact of changes in living conditions on herself and her husband is formed unconsciously.There is no doubt that the husband is nostalgic for the newlywed life.But don't forget that the content of a person's life is very rich, and the interests of young people are also very broad.Husband's friends would visit him from time to time, and he would visit them often.As a wife, you should take the initiative to ask your husband's friends about their past and present.Be aware that this is critical to your husband's growth and change.He knows them well, but that doesn't mean he treats them better than you.Some aspects of them will be more attractive than you, such as playing cards, driving, and so on.He will also do some bad things that he would not do without telling you to please you, such as borrowing money to buy furniture and so on.These are things which you should pay close attention to and, if necessary, take firm and decisive steps in favor of maintaining the happiness of your family. When your husband wants to go out, you might as well ask him where he is going and if you can go with him.You should be like-minded with your husband, and to this end, you must consciously ask yourself to develop the same hobbies and interests as him.In this way, with more common language, the two hearts will naturally get closer.If you restrict his words and deeds too rigidly and require too much, then he is likely to become a person who obeys your words in front of you and does his own way behind you, and you will become even more frustrated at that time.He may totally listen to you and not go out, but will everything go his way when he is around you? If the wife is a bad-tempered, moody person who regrets the man fate has thrown her as a life partner, her husband will quickly become disgusted with married life and try to escape from the trouble His "cage". If the wife is a gentle, polite and dignified person with a pleasant smile, then her husband will eagerly want to see her every day and look forward to her early return.Such a wife knows how to live a happy life. Her thoughts are closely related to her husband's career. She knows how to make her husband feel happy in family life.She is willing to pay her own hard work in exchange for the happiness of her family, which is hard to buy with any amount of money.She was the most respected in her husband's heart, and the thought of her quickened his pace homeward. How should a wife master skills in front of her husband and stay attractive forever? Here are a few simple but effective ways: 1 shy Shyness is one of the characteristics of female beauty. It contains charm and tenderness. It is not only a special language used by young girls in love to convey love, but also a signal of love between married couples.It is a pity that many wives just ignore this point. Once the wedding night in the bridal chamber is over, especially after giving birth to a child, the shyness in front of the husband will disappear, making the unrestrained "sincere" intimacy destroy the mystery of love Exhausted, thoroughly covered, resulting in monotonous, impoverished and even tiresome and suffocating love.Of course, this does not advocate that the wife is too cautious and timid, but hopes that the wife can use her shyness to stimulate her husband's love, thereby enriching the interest of married life, improving the quality of married life, and leaving some room for love, so that the spring is not dry. Chang Xin, I hope young, middle-aged and even old wives all over the world will maintain a little bit of shyness; it will make women look young and extremely attractive. 2 acting like a baby Taking advantage of the lover's love and pretending to act like a baby, it is obvious that the "jiao" of "sa" is more tender, cute, pleasing and favored by others.An abused child would never act coquettishly in front of a violent stepmother.It seems to be a child's matter, but when it is introduced into the field of married life, the charming and enchanting wife's "coquettish" in front of her husband can suddenly arouse ripples of love and stir up waves, because it is essentially a wife who condenses thousands of graces. With the explosive release of love, the husband will gain a high degree of psychological satisfaction because he realizes the self-price of being loved, so that the intimacy between husband and wife can be sublimated to a higher level.It is suggested that middle-aged, young and even elderly wives who have had this kind of experience in the world may wish to "sprinkle" your "jiao" in front of their husbands, and see how the effect is? 3 brave Contrary to acting coquettishly, a wife's moderate flaunting of strength will also burst out her unique charm, especially when it is used alternately with coquettishness. The same thing is very common for adults, but it is childish because of its tenderness and beauty when it is done by children. Women, Although it cannot be said that she is born weak, she is weak compared to men.In the life of husband and wife, they know that they are difficult to do, but they want to be brave and do it.Success is beautiful, failure is also beautiful, or even more beautiful.The three-dimensional intersecting interest in the wife's psychological weakness, showing a kind of childishness and a little wildness, the husband is all moved by it.As for his career, the husband prefers a competitive wife like Katerina in "Moscow Doesn't Believe in Tears", rather than a good wife and loving mother like Tao Chun in "Nostalgic Feelings". wife. 4 cover up The dragon sees the head but does not see the tail, holding the zipa in his arms, half covering his face, half covering, half revealing, half empty and half real, intriguing and wonderful in concealment.When primitive people reformed nakedness, they first covered their genitals and breasts. From the perspective of Taoists, this is a cover-up of human instinct. From the perspective of artists, this is not a cover-up, but a beautiful display of human instinct. Prominence is to arouse rich imagination through "covering", and to increase mysterious allure by means of "covering". When talking about nude photos of actresses, Sophie Rowland believes that "nude photos reduce the charm of performance" because it reduces the mysterious element , Appropriate clothes are more attractive than nudity. Therefore, if a wife wants to maintain a long-lasting sense of obscurity to her husband, she must learn to master the art of covering up. It is completely exposed, and the part that should be covered is still covered up. In this way, it can not only achieve the effect of concealing it, but also preserve its "mysterious element". It is indeed another magic trick for the wife to show her charm. When appreciating an oil painting, it is too close to look like a painting, and too far away to look like a painting, but you can't see it clearly. Only when it is neither far nor near, and just right, can you see the "effect". A couple is sometimes described as being inseparable, inseparable, and inseparable.So is it better to be intimate, or to have a room for intimacy? There is a problem of aesthetic distance here.Aesthetic distance is an important aesthetic principle.The famous German Hegelian esthetician Fischer said: "We can only see beauty at a certain distance, and distance itself can beautify everything." Aesthetic distance is divided into physical distance and psychological distance.Physical distance is easier to understand, such as the example of appreciating oil paintings given at the beginning.The psychological distance is abstract.For example, if you sit next to a beautiful girl for only one minute an hour, and you sit next to an ugly girl for an hour, this is due to the subtle effect of aesthetic psychology.People who have not been to "Suzhou and Hangzhou" always yearn for it in their hearts. If they have the opportunity to visit in person, they will be intoxicated at first, but then gradually become indifferent. If they live for a long time, they will turn a blind eye and see the beauty.Here, there are both physical and psychological distances. Shakespeare has a famous saying: "The sweetest honey can numb the taste, but the love that is not too passionate can last long."The "not too enthusiastic" in the sentence is obviously the proposition of "intimacy".As far as physical distance is concerned, there is a saying in our country that "a small farewell is better than a newlywed".indeed so.No matter how delicious dumplings are, if you eat them one after another, you will get tired of eating them one day.A couple who stay together every day and repeat the same life pattern will inevitably feel bored and boring.As Herzen said: "People live too closely together, too close to each other, look too carefully and too nakedly, and they will unconsciously pluck petal by petal those surrounded by poetry and coquettishness. All the flowers on the garland of personalities." Appropriate separation is conducive to maintaining the sense of mystery and freshness between husband and wife.Social surveys in the United States and Japan show that couples who meet once a week have the best relationship and the most stable relationship.Even if the husband and wife are together all the time, some have also started to advocate that the couple sleep in separate beds, which is not only good for rest, but also keeps the husband and wife to maintain their respective charms, so that the mutual love can be maintained for a long time in the inseparable, lukewarm. It is more important to maintain a certain psychological distance between husband and wife, but it is also more difficult to grasp.Keeping a psychological distance is to let the husband and wife maintain the shining points of their respective personalities.Let the husband and wife each keep a green space for free activities in their hearts. Neither of them should try to transform each other, but try to adapt to each other, so that each other has an independent personality, a unique personality and a moderately free life circle.Some joints on the deck of the bridge need to leave gaps, otherwise the bridge will crack due to thermal expansion and contraction.If the thermos bottle is filled with hot water, if it is overfilled, it will not be conducive to heat preservation.If there is no "gap" between husband and wife, it will not be conducive to "emotional insulation", and it will be "cracked" sooner or later.In fact, it is impossible for a husband and wife to truly be inseparable and 100% heart-to-heart. If there is, it will definitely be a problem.Two years ago, several newspapers published and reprinted a report on "Why did he get divorced?" It said that a reporter divorced his wife not because she was bad, but because she was so good that she was so kind to him. Baishun, bowing his head and sticking to his ear, kept consistent with him meticulously. He deliberately found fault with her and could not quarrel with her. She completely lost her independent personality, which made him extremely bored.That is to say, he wholeheartedly wanted to distance himself from her, but he couldn't do so, so in the end he had no choice but to simply shake her off. Of course, this is just a special case. What is more common in real life is that there is too much interference between husband and wife, which makes the other party restrained, unable to move forward, and even worsens the relationship. Admittedly, the distance mentioned here must be limited and appropriate.As a certain writer said: "There is distance to be attractive. But, don't be too far away. When I am in pain or lost, don't let me not be able to hold your hand." At the same time, maintaining a sense of distance is by no means a spiritual setting. Barriers or lines of defense, that is to say, physical or psychological distances, are by no means emotional distances.On the contrary, when the aesthetic psychology tries to shorten this distance, a strong affinity will be formed, which actually shortens the emotional distance and deepens the relationship between husband and wife. Most of the conflicts between husband and wife in modern families are caused by the unchanging patterns of husband and wife, and the emergence of conflicts is mostly the result of dissatisfaction with the life patterns of husband and wife.To solve this kind of family conflict, calmness, patience, and consideration are the most indispensable. If you don't get along well with your family recently, it's normal. As the saying goes: You can't be a husband and wife without fighting.You can improve by doing the following: 1 consciously separated for a period of time As the saying goes, "People are not happy for a hundred days, and flowers are not popular for a thousand days." The same is true for the relationship between husband and wife.The continuous accumulation of feelings in the "love period" between husband and wife will reach a special "saturation".At this time, love needs a nap, and needs to leave the other party to get an emotional "respite" alone.This is a normal phenomenon, just like people need to rest after activity, excitement, and fatigue.Therefore, don't make a fuss about the various situations of the spouses in the "cold period" and "dormant period". If you find that the other party does not want to see you, realize that this is the spouse's "cold period".At this time, even if there is no opportunity to travel, find an excuse to avoid it.It is necessary to separate consciously and avoid staying together for a long time, which is "disgusting".You know, the spouse's indifference and the emergence of tired feelings, hoping to minimize contact with you, this is the body's protective response to prevent excessive tension in the nervous system. 只要夫妻双方在“冷淡期”有意识地分离一段时间，就可以跨过“冷淡期”和“休眠期”，或缩短这两个时期的周期，重新回到“钟情期”。马克思在38岁时，在给妻子燕妮的信中也说道：“经常地接触会显得单调，日常生活琐事会因此而闹大，而深挚的热情由于对象的亲近而表现为日常的习惯，人们只要分离很短一段时间，一切就会恢复原状，以前被当做重要大事的不愉快的琐事，现在又成为小事，而深挚的感情，在分别的魔术般的影响下会壮大起来，并重新具有它固有的力量。”这话可谓至理名言。 2学会关怀体贴对方 夫妻之间产生敌意后，需要配偶用关怀体贴之情去化解。当你发现配偶工作很多，没有时间与你接触，忙得不可开交，或者不像往日那样“热情”时，要体谅、同情、关怀对方，并注意把握分寸，最好别开玩笑，不要纠缠不休。这个阶段，遇到对方落泪、忧伤、痛苦，甚至有时对你斥责几句时，不要当面计较。一句话，你要像对待病人一样耐着性子。体谅对方的任性是暂时的，只是一时的“病情”所致。必须懂得，这种感情的休眠是不可避免的，而且很快就会结束。 3冲突摩擦中吸取教训 人主要是靠经验生活的。错误能使人聪明起来。常言道：“经一事，长一智。”夫妻间发生冲突，一方主动认错，只是使事态得到了暂时的平息，并没有解决实际问题。认错，只不过是表示了一种态度。表明态度不等于解决了问题。为了不再犯同样的错误，或者不出现同样的不愉快，必须考虑今后应该怎么办。因此，理想的夫妻不是争吵，看谁压倒谁，而是讨论。讨论是集体思考，是把两个人的想法凑在一起。夫妻讨论，要考虑满足两个人的欲望。有人因此轻蔑地认为结婚是一种妥协。其实，不能妥协的人最好不要结婚。 在夫妻发生摩擦、冲突时，要细心反省、思考、分析究竟错在哪里。要多从主观找原因，不要总是认为别人不公道，没良心。争吵、冲突平息以后，夫妻最好开诚布公地谈谈看法和要求，找找争吵的原因，提出各自的解决方案，一起讨论，找出能使双方都满意的最佳方案。以后，出现新问题，双方又产生摩擦，仍然“外甥打灯笼——照舅(旧)”。要互相照顾，互相让步。青年夫妻若能经常在讨论中吸取对方有益的东西，努力改正或去掉各自的不良习惯，家庭的和睦与幸福是不难创造的。 与女性相处的最高法则就是要极大限度地表示你的关怀。这样你们的相处就能变得愉快而轻松。本着这一目的，你可以采纳下列十五种方法： 1尝试一下赞扬她告诉她，你喜欢把她的一张近照放在相夹里，给工作单位的同事们看，为她拍摄几张静坐的照片。拍照时，让她多换几件衣服，然后看看你最喜欢哪几张。这种信息会使女人认为：“他想让每个人都知道我是他的妻子，他一定认为我很漂亮，否则， 他不会这么干的。”也可以在下一次你们和另一对情人在一起时，在他们面前赞美你的妻子，她可能会不好意思，但内心里她会喜欢。记住，当一句赞美的话是当着另一个人的面前说时，会产生三倍的效果。 2特意为她买些特殊的礼品去超级市场买一些她喜欢的食品和花儿，带回家，告诉她，你想让她把花插在她的床边。今晚轻轻松松躺在床上，吃她心爱的糖块和看她心爱的杂志。 3圈住你们约会的日子买一日历，任选4天圈起来。告诉她计划在这些日子里，你与她有一个个特殊的晚上。买票去听音乐会或看戏，外出过夜，要尽量提前选定日子，使你有足够的时间、做好一切准备。女人喜欢你只为你们俩拥有的这个晚上，未卜先知就已经得到一半欢喜。 4让她觉得你是真的关心她比如在星期五晚上，把一件干净衣衫和一张纸条放在她的枕头上，写上：“恳请你从现在起愿干什么就干什么，或上街逛商店，或游戏都行!家务全部留给我。” 5偶尔来点激情动作当你俩一起走到门口时，你乘其不备，突然把她抱在怀里跨过门槛。当她不知所措地笑着问你干什么时，告诉她你在抱你心爱的新娘过门槛，因为，你比结婚时更爱慕她。 6制造一些温馨的细节等到百货商店削价甩卖床单、枕套、桌巾等家庭生活用品时，买一些纯棉质地的床单，包括底下铺的、上面盖的和枕套，悄悄地把它们放在床上；可能的话，把一件丝织睡衣盖在她的枕头上。你就等着享受那天晚上她上床来给你满足吧。 7抽出一天时间给她从工作中抽出一天时间给她，这将真正证明你爱她。告诉她，你这一整天都是她的。叫干啥就干啥，包括帮她一起做家务、或散步、上街，要提前做出决定，这是给予，也是接受。 8公开展示你的爱如果你俩一起出入公众场合，你要拉着她的手，吻她，用手臂搂着她的肩，向世人显示你喜欢和她亲近。 9给她一个泡沫浴买点芳香泡沫剂，晚上为她准备好热水，在淋浴间放一些蜡烛。不要电灯，帮她洗完后，再给她说一些轻松愉快的情话。 10一起出去下馆子安排一次和她吃午餐的约会。你从百忙中抽出时间约她吃午餐，会使她有与众不同的感觉。如果你告诉她，你已把约会时间写在你的约会日历上，这会使她觉得自己更重要。 11给她送一件出人意外的礼物把一件礼物或一束花，出人意料地送到她办公室，让她的同事知道，有个人深深地爱着她。对女人来说，这就是浪漫。为了令她吃惊一场，你还可以把玫瑰花瓣或别的芳香的花放在她的洗澡水中，她会乐意描述你所说的话，并且在你以后的生活中，一直这样做。 12在月光下散步告诉她，你更愿意和她一起做一次美好的长时间的散步。手拉着手，对着星星发誓，给她一个深深长长的吻。 13登广告表示你的爱在一家地方报纸的个人栏目里登一则广告，告诉她你爱她，在你的生活中，她占据着举足轻重的地位，加上一些她最突出的优点，并把你的广告圈出来，放在她能看到的地方。14一同参加社会活动例如，同她一起参加舞蹈学习班、电脑学习班、健美学习班等。开始，你的热情也许没那么高，但是，从一个晚上两个人一起出去这一点看，就有回味无穷的快乐。你愿意单独和她在一起做事这个事实本身就使她高兴。 15安排一次出远门如果你们从来也没有外出旅行过，不妨尝试一下这种无与伦比的办法——度假。通常旅行社会带你们到有异国情调的地方买东西和观光，这是一种理想的度假方式，回来后你们会比离开时更相爱。 现代女性具有独立的人格，但是，一些“妇道”还是需要很好地遵守，这样才有利于塑造美满的家庭。 已故美国总统艾森豪威尔的妻子玛蜜·多特曾在《今日女性》杂志上发表《如果我现在又当了新娘》一文。她在文章中说：“如果我现在才结婚，我还是像以前那样做个家庭主妇……家庭主妇是我的工作和乐趣。尽我所能，使艾克的家永远保持稳定和安定，这是我感到 最奇妙、最有价值、最繁忙而快乐的生活。 " 每一位成年女性，都希望自己能成为一个好妻子，而一个好妻子的首要条件是当好一个家庭主妇，当好一个家庭主妇既是那么难，又是那么重要。怎样才能当好一个家庭主妇呢?明确以下几点很重要。 1有冲突不必紧张 人人都有竞争的意识、竞争的倾向，甚至是竞争的兴趣。夫妻作为两个独立存在的人，有不同的生理韵律、不同的生活方式、不同的消遣兴趣。所以夫妻二人不可能永远同时、同步产生相同的欲望、需要、兴趣等。冲突或迟或早、或大或小总要发生，并不可怕。一个时期内的不协调实乃正常现象。主妇们不必恐惧，不要害怕丈夫讨厌，不要害怕会被遗弃，自己要对婚姻有持久的足够的信心。 2不必永远为对方着想 许多妻子以为只要在家里对丈夫礼貌、体贴、服务周到，以为不让丈夫讨厌，就是个好妻子，于是便无休止地这样做下去。然而事实恰恰相反，久而久之，丈夫一定会厌烦。时时事事为对方着想，总是克制自己的需要、欲望，然后一一地牺牲，这实际上是不知不觉地让对方负疚。家庭主妇不必总是顾及别人，而是大胆地做你认为应该做的事。 3不要期望过高 女性大多是理想主义者，常常把想像当希望、当现实。妻子心目中的家庭，都是玫瑰色的，妻子眼中的丈夫都是“白马王子”；母亲眼中的子女，都应该成龙成凤。过高的希望里常常带来更大的失望。于是女主人总是不满意，总感到现实不如想像的好，处于这种心态的妇女很难成为好的家庭主妇。只有把期望值降下来，知足常乐，才能当好家。 4没有哪个女人能够满足一个男人的全部需求 妻子有一种被珍爱、被保护的内在需求。当她们感到丈夫在关心她，就有了一种安全感，感到有了保障；反之，则有一种不安全感。所以女人总是想方设法了解丈夫是否对她关心、爱护，因此总想满足丈夫的全部要求。这是非常幼稚、非常不现实的想法。因为人具有多种多样的性格特征、多种多样的情趣、多种多样的要求，性别不同又加大了这种差异，何况一个人的兴趣需要也是随时间和环境的变化而变化的，另一个人怎么可能全部去满足呢?妻子千万不可自己给自己提出不现实的要求，不可“自己和自己过不去”。 有这么一对年轻恋人，总在争吵谁先对谁好。女的说：“你得先对我好，我才对你好!你不对我好，就甭想我对你好!”男的也不服气：“凭什么要我先对你好?” 即使是在热恋中，他们谁也不愿主动为对方多做点效劳服务的事情。女的觉得那样做了，她就降低了身份，成了男人的奴仆；男的也觉得不该去伺侯女的，那样他的“大男子”身份就受到了贬损。 直至婚后，他们之间极端的“男权”与“女权”的战争不仅从未停息，反而愈演愈烈。在家务事中谁也不能心甘情愿多做一些，为此时常爆发争吵。 悲剧终于发生。男人与另外一个女人相识并相爱，在这个女人完全奉献的关爱下，男人感悟到了“爱情就是互为奴仆”的伟大哲理，全身心地对这个女人奉献。而他原先的婚姻也终于解体。在此之前，他的妻子竟心甘情愿放下“女权主义”的自尊，来全心挽回这份婚姻，但丈夫那边却已是“爱到尽头，覆水难收”了。 这个案例告诉女人，爱是不能单向去索取的。你不能斤斤计较，男人给了你多少，再视情况给他多少“爱”。聪明的女人应该是个调配爱情的高手，她只要怀着浓烈的爱心，不求索取地去体贴自己的男人，反而容易激起他对你更大的回报。 有时候，爱的付出体现在一些小事上，费力不大，却影响不小，可令男人深为感动并怀念你的好，换得的是更深挚的关爱。 要想笼络住意中人的心，就得从日常生活中的小细节入手，去打动他。以下给你提供几种讨他欢心的方法，相信会让他加倍迷恋你。 1宠宠他的口味 你有没有注意过，他特别喜欢的小点心是什么?也许是牛肉干、也许是凤梨酥；只要他说过，你能放在心上，那就最棒了。就算他从来没说过，你也可以观察到：上次买某种点心回家，他吃得好开心。这些，都是让他快乐的“线索”。 “点心”当然不能当饭吃，天天吃；也不是人人都负担得起；更何况天天吃就不稀奇了，还容易生厌。所以，不定期地、隔些时候买一样他最爱吃的东西，宠宠他的口舌，那份点心里便藏着浓浓的爱意。尤其是，在你出差或旅游的时候，若能惦记着他爱吃的东西，为他带回家，更能让他开心得不得了。 2谢谢他的“好” 当他为你做了一件事，不管那是需要花很多时间的“大事”，或是很容易做的“举手之劳”，你都可以郑重地表示你的感激。一方面这是很好的习惯，表示别人对你好，你都放在心上；另一方面，这是绝佳的示范，让你的男人也学会对你的付出点点滴滴都放在心头。 你可能没有这样的习惯，或不觉得它很重要。举些例子，你便可以举一反三： 你的男人把碗洗好了，你拿一张擦手纸或一条毛巾给他，对着他甜甜一笑，说：“谢谢你，辛苦了!” 你的男人为你拿来一杯茶，你马上说：“啊!谢谢!你怎么知道我正想喝?” 3送上细心而细小的体贴 什么时候你最需要一杯热茶或热咖啡? 工作了一天，刚刚进门，身心俱疲的时候；受了一些挫折，心情不太好的时候；不为什么，只是想一个人静一静的时候……如果你在这种时刻需要握一杯热茶(咖啡)在手中，那么你的男人一定也喜欢这样。 不要等他开口，你就为他端来一杯热茶(咖啡)，然后离开，让他独处。如果他在卧房或书房，那就帮他轻轻地把门带上。 这种贴心的照顾，不是最爱他的人怎么做得到呢? 茶的浓淡、咖啡要不要加糖或伴侣，大概是你最能掌握的吧，此时切忌絮絮叨叨地问他：“要茶还是咖啡?”“咖啡要加糖吗?”“要不要伴侣?”“你要喝什么茶?香片?乌龙?绿茶?普洱?铁观音?”干嘛?你开茶艺馆啊?疲惫的人或心绪不佳的人，实在没有多余的心力管这么多。你就照平常的方式做好了。那杯茶(咖啡)的内容如何其实并不重要，重要的是它所象征的体贴和关怀啊! 4要抓心，先抓胃 中国人的观念向来是“民以食为天”、“吃饭皇帝大”。不是说“要想抓住男人的心，先要抓住他的胃”吗?——这句话对很多厨艺不佳的人来说，听起来实在很令人沮丧。其实，真的没关系，手艺平平的你一样可以让你的男人很快乐。 也许你听他讲过，“妈妈的味道”如何令他怀念不已，或者你自己也在他家吃过一道他最喜欢的菜；甚至，那道让他迷恋的大菜是在某家餐馆里吃到的。首先，你要做的是：虚心地向他的母亲(或厨师)请教食谱；其次，你不妨请半天假，把材料买齐，用“做实验”一样的心情，慢慢地做做看。 可能第一次做得不太成功，不过没关系；重点是：你的男人看到你这样细心地要安慰他对某道菜的“乡愁”，也就感动得不得了啦! 5制造美丽的意外 你知道他每天的路径吗?什么地方是他可能经过或出现的地方呢?公司惟一的电梯口?他习惯泊车的那个停车场?公交车站牌?…… 如果你有把握，大概几点钟，他会从哪个地方出现，你便可以偶尔给他这种惊喜——好好地策划一番，和他不期而遇；把自己当做礼物，“送”到他面前。 你甚至可以玩这样的游戏：他快下班时在他公司附近的街角打电话给他，但别告诉他你在哪里；最好让他误以为你在家里。等他走出公司，赫然发现你在他面前，那种惊喜是很戏剧性的。 不过，可惜的是，这种游戏大概只能够玩一次，太经常他就没有这么好“骗”，也没这么惊喜了。而且，这种惊喜不一定要安排在生日那天；可以只是两个人想出去吃顿饭、独处 一下的时候，甚至也可以“哪里都不想去，只想一起结伴回家”。 同样的惊喜也可以安排在“飞机场”、“火车站”；你没有说要去接他，却突然出现，他一定非常意外感动。 6帮他梳梳头，给他幸福感 当他洗完头、湿淋淋地走出浴室的时候，你会做什么?视若无睹?丢给他一条毛巾?或者，帮他把头发吹干? 如果你能拎一条干毛巾，亲自为他擦拭，再用吹风机帮他吹干头发，你的男人一定觉得自己很幸福。 吹头发的时候，一手拿着吹风机，一手要把湿头发弄松、拨开，吹出好看的发型……做这个亲昵的工作，你一定得“近距离”操作，而且有肌肤之亲。于是，就这么挨挨碰碰、磨磨蹭蹭之下，怎能不亲密呢! 如果你的男人一向自己吹干头发，你可以问：“今天你要不要洗头?我可以帮你吹喔!” 你的男人可能不敢相信自己那么幸福，说不定他会假意地推辞一番：“不用啦!”不过，通常只要你坚持一下，他就会乖乖地“就范”，而且还会在心里多产生几分对你的好感。 7把他当大男孩哄 男人伤心的时候，像个“大男孩”。这时的你不妨挨着他坐，双手环抱着他，静静地陪伴着。能够递几张面纸给他，当然很好；不过，如果因为要拿面纸而离开他身边，不如干脆不要拿，就让他把眼泪落在你的衣襟上吧(附带一句：在家里各处放置很多面纸盒，或在口袋里放一小包面纸，有时候是很好用的。)! 另一种亲密的姿势是：你站起来，搂住他，这时他的头会正好位于你的胸前。能够埋头在你软软的胸脯上大哭一场，他的情绪很快地就能平复。 这种姿势有没有让你想起什么?很像母亲抚慰伤心的孩子，对不?那又怎样?我们很容易发现，你的男人其实也是一个“大男孩”，怎样能够让他得到最大的安慰，你还会吝啬不做吗?况且，你的善解人意与温柔，一定会让他感动万千。 8给他关怀更给他激励 印象中的男子汉总是刚毅勇敢，侠胆柔肠。但恋爱不久，也许你会发现并非如此。 现代社会中，人们随生活节奏的加快，日益困惑和苦闷。男性的心理负荷愈加沉重。人们需要通过各种方式和渠道发泄心中的郁闷，以缓解紧张的情绪，寻求安慰和平衡。抱怨便是其中的一种方式。 对生活缺乏应有的信心的人有如沙滩上的驳船，灰暗而毫无生气。奥地利诗人里尔克有句名言：“挺住，意味着一切。”清醒而沉静地面对生活，远离焦躁和沮丧的人，其生命已进入一种境界。这需要长时间的历练。 爱情不是盆景，精致而脆弱。它是一株实实在在的树，狂风袭来时人们需要它粗壮的枝干用来依靠；赤日当头时，人们需要它的浓荫来作庇护。你应该提醒男友认识到自身对爱情应负的责任，而责任恰恰能成为动力。 给他关怀的同时别忘了激励，这样才能使他不断暗淡下去的生活得以重现光芒，爱情的天空才能晴朗，爱的翅膀才能“在不可言状的幸福中栖落”。 9个性传情法 双方相恋的初期，情书是试探窥测对方思想的“投路石”；相恋的中期，它是增强深化双方感情的“加速器”；相恋的后期，它是消融解释两人不爽的“润滑剂”。 在今天的网络时代，时髦的男女们都青睐于“网上爱情”，“伊妹儿”成为感情的新载体，很少有人铺纸动笔写情书。 无论何种现代通讯手段，提高的都是效率，追求的是便利，从意境格调、浪漫温馨等多方面来说，谁也无法代替情书的功能。试想窗前灯下，夜深人静，铺一张素笺，静静地编织自己的情丝爱网，是一种什么样的享受?对另一方来说，收到一封情书，看着秀丽的字迹，读着滚烫的词语，似乎从这张素笺上都能嗅到恋人的气息。这是冷冰冰的电脑屏幕与标准字体无法传达的一种美的感觉。