Chapter 3 Case3. She was not a virgin when she married him

Ann. 36.Department manager A text message highlights the illusion of happiness It never occurred to me that my husband would cheat, and it's our 8th year of marriage. We have a 6 year old daughter, alas. I am very competitive, I work very well, I am very independent, I take care of the house very well, I do not need my husband to bother me, I take good care of his elders, and he is also very satisfied.We live very comfortably, bought a car and a house, gave me most of the money he earned, I never doubted him, respected him a lot, never peeked at his phone or rummaged through his personal stuff , I never even thought about it.

Until August last year, he told me that he was going on a business trip for two days. I used to help him take care of everything before he went on a business trip, and I helped him clean up his luggage when he came back.This time I didn't see a bill for business trip accommodation and meals, but found a bottle of men's perfume.Ah, when did he get so particular about it?That day he brought back a new mobile phone, which he said was a gift from a friend.Out of curiosity, I played with his new phone and saw something I didn't want to see, a text message from him: "Love you", just the night after he came home.This was really a blow to my head. In my impression, he had never expressed it to me like this. At that time, I felt really uncomfortable.

He wanted to have sex with me before going to bed that night, I felt very uncomfortable, ignored him, slept half the night, he woke me up again, we made love, I was so sad that I cried out in his arms, and said to him: "Don't leave us." He said, "Don't think about it, how could I?" The next day, I called and the other party was a woman with a mobile phone number from out of town.In fact, I really hope that he is joking with others, but it is not the case. I half-jokingly asked him if he has a woman outside, and he said no. At night, I told him that I wanted to check his mobile phone, and he showed it to me. I found out the woman's name, and asked him who it was, and he said it was the company's trainer, and I said no, would the trainer send that kind of text message?He said it was a joke, and I said it was too much to joke with a woman, and our conversation stopped.Actually he was lying to me.

Disliked by her husband is not a virgin After a day, he finally told me what happened. I don't know why he took the initiative to tell me. Maybe he thought I knew, or maybe his conscience was condemned.They've known each other for a year and something happened last February that shouldn't have happened, the same month as our 8th wedding anniversary. I really never thought that he would betray me, my heart is cold, I regret why I don’t check his mobile phone often, he belongs to the kind of careless person, if I do, remind him, the situation may not be the same will develop like this.I really regret it, but I was not a bit vigilant at the time.

What makes me sad is that before he confessed to me, he mentioned that I was no longer a virgin before marriage, which made him very embarrassed among his friends, and he could only keep silent when everyone talked about his wife.In fact, before we got married, I told him that I had a relationship with another man. If you don't mind, we can continue, otherwise we can break up.He didn't say anything at the time and I thought he didn't mind. Of course I wasn't his first sexual partner either, he's had relationships with many women.It's just that I think there is no such thing as being sorry for each other before marriage.I said, "I didn't ask you to marry me at that time, but now that the child is 6 years old, do you mention this?"

Then tell me what happened. Maybe he felt that I was sorry for him, so he is doing this now.I cried all night, so heartbroken and chilled.I always thought I was very happy, but in fact my husband disliked me. Adding in the affair, what is the meaning of life?He also felt very sad when he saw me sad, saying that he was such a jerk, that he had no intention of giving up this family, that he was just playing for fun as a man, and was curious.It's too easy to say, just for fun? I said, "When you are with other people, do you ever think of how pitiful your wife is? Are you doing this right to me?" In fact, I also know that he is helpless, and I feel very sorry for me.

I asked him if that woman looks better than me?He said he was not as good as me, and his figure was not as good as mine, but he just said that she was very kind to him, and the two got along very well.I am very confused. Could it be that 8 years is not as good as the limited number of times they met?I really don't understand.How can a man feel at ease when he is with other women? He said he would disown her and I don't know if I should forgive him.I didn't ask him anything either.For this matter, I called that woman. I didn't scold her, but just persuaded them not to have any more contact.At that time, she promised not to contact me again, and told me that it should not be the first time he cheated.Even the woman said that about him, and I think he does have a lot of things to hide from me.

Should a man be forgiven for cheating? In the two months since I found out about his cheating, his weight has dropped by nearly 10 catties.I thought about divorce, even about death, and it really hurt me deeply.But the thought of my lovely daughter really couldn't leave. I didn't tell our family, I carried it on my own for months with no one to talk to.My husband didn't enlighten me either, as if it was a trivial matter and let it go.In his opinion, it's natural for a man to have such a thing, as long as he values ​​the family and doesn't think about divorce.Should men be forgiven for cheating?

Am I narrow-minded?It's been half a year, and the shadow always haunts me from time to time, and I thought about whether I should see a psychiatrist. I once asked him angrily: "If you really loved me, you wouldn't do this. Why don't you cherish what you have now?" What about me?I really can't figure it out. Until now, I am still afraid that he will betray me again. I even said to him: "If one day you think that I am not good, don't do things that are sorry for me behind my back. We can divorce." I really can't bear this Cheating and infidelity, divorce is ok, I don't want to live in deceit.

When will the wounds deep inside me be healed?How can we be liberated?I don't know when I won't be heartbroken, sometimes when I'm in a bad mood, it's natural to think about it, think about the woman who broke my peaceful life, and sometimes even want to see who that person is, and make my husband lost Himself, or simply call her and scold her for discouragement.I don’t know if these ideas are ridiculous, but sometimes I think that when my child grows up, I’ll be single as punishment for him. Now I have become very fragile, worried, and suspicious. When I think about it, tears come out of my eyes, no matter when and where. I also become sensitive when I see or hear my husband using his mobile phone. I often secretly check the information on his mobile phone.I wasn't like that before.In fact, sometimes it's better for women to be confused, isn't it?

Su Hei Analysis: It is always your own heart that destroys peace. On the surface, Ann is a victim. However, the biggest wound of the victim is not being hurt, but the refusal to let go of the role of the victim. She would rather be immersed in the psychological inertia of pain and self-pity, and have her reason and heart occupied by negative thoughts. Therefore, there is no room for faults, and there is no way to let yourself and others go. Looking carefully at Ann's marriage, she has stable happiness on the surface, and she feels that it is the result of her own hard work and generous dedication.Look, this is Ann's greatest desire: to satisfy her husband and elders, to create a great and sympathetic gender role, and to achieve herself through sacrifice. This is the biggest blind spot in traditional Chinese women's self-identity.But this achievement does not guarantee emotional fidelity. In fact, she also knows that this marriage has always been about management and no improvement.Too many marriages stall in the first place, fail and rot. What Ann has been guarding is not happiness, but habits, and even the inertia of staying stable, forgetting that people are animals of lust, marriage is just a system, and people have always changed faster than the system. Therefore, the most lethal thing in married life is not extramarital affairs, but inertia, which teaches feelings to stop.It is dangerous to think that you can grasp everything about each other and each other's future. It is love to trust, but not relationship, because relationships are often destabilized by desires, like the husband's lust, and her own competitiveness.She enjoys the sanctity of being a good wife and mother, and cannot tolerate the crime of cheating on her opponent.Therefore, she cannot forgive her husband, and the most painful thing in the world is to lose the heart of forgiveness.Yes, the husband is wrong, but other people's faults are no excuse for letting yourself get out of control. Most of people's pain is addicted to the past, unwilling to let go, unable to start again, unable to lose, and losing the courage of children to fall and get up, so children will grow up, and adults can only grow old. Fate is more or less made by ourselves, and what has happened cannot be changed, but how we face it and what kind of heart we have to face it can be controlled.What we can do is to open our hearts of love, stabilize ourselves first, and then ask others to restore our inner freedom and peace, and look forward. It is necessary to figure out that driving away the pain is the main premise, not resentment, what to do to the other party, and indulge your own desire to win.Clinging to a man is not the same as clinging to love and security, it is smart to elevate yourself rather than condemn the relationship.If you can't stand your husband's concept of a man who is not a virgin, you can choose to leave or forgive.After making a choice, you have to bear your own choice, don't look back and complain, you have to start over. Ann should learn to face herself, not him.There is nothing in the world that cannot be lost, except inner freedom.Find the innocence of love from your daughter, learn to tolerate others and yourself, and the pain will fade away. Ann should learn to face herself, not him.There is nothing in the world that cannot be lost, except inner freedom.Find the innocence of love from your daughter, learn to tolerate others and yourself, and the pain will fade away. After all, love is a relationship created by two people. One-sided giving does not ensure happiness. This is the most paradoxical and laborious fact of love.