Chapter 7 Chapter 5 What Parents Need to Know

Now, more and more mothers in South Korea are learning English, even though it is too late for them.Mothers want to be able to tutor their children as they learn English.They all hope that their children can speak fluent English in order to meet the wave of globalization. ☆English Education Mom doesn't have to be a "Dr. English" Now, more and more mothers in South Korea are learning English, even though it is too late for them.Mothers want to be able to tutor their children as they learn English.They all hope that their children can speak fluent English in order to meet the wave of globalization.Now learning English has become one of the hottest topics in Korea.But I don't think it is necessary for mothers to become English experts themselves in order to train their children to learn English.

In the United States, many Korean immigrant children are isolated by their classmates in school because they cannot speak English.This is extremely detrimental to the child's development. For this reason, I started "bilingual education" in English and Korean in the United States. At first, I wanted to help those children who are not proficient in English adapt to the American educational environment as soon as possible. Later, with the help of many people, I created a bilingual education with the collective wisdom.Bilingual education is one of the most important components of my career.I kept submitting petitions to the U.S. government and told them about the difficulties of the second-generation immigrants. In the end, the U.S. government made an exception for the first time and included language education for immigrant children in its budget.My language education work started from that time.

Many of the parents of the students I teach immigrated to the United States in middle age, so most of them do not speak English.But it doesn't matter. Parents who don't know English don't have much impact on their children's English learning.Among the students I have taught, some are so young that they don’t even know how to go to the toilet by themselves, and often pee their pants. However, after a period of English learning, the results these children have achieved are very surprising. What's even more amazing is that after systematic education, children can learn languages ​​other than English with ease.Through the study of English, they comprehend the method of learning foreign languages.

No matter which country's language is to be learned, there are several principles that children must abide by in order to master a foreign language proficiently.After mastering these principles, it is no problem to learn a third or fourth foreign language, let alone English. find a study helper Now in South Korea, children's English training schools, various English fairy tale books, and English tapes can be seen everywhere, overwhelming.In terms of teaching quality, no matter which English training school or which English textbook there is, there are certain merits. In the process of children learning English, the important thing is not the content of the textbooks, the key is whether these books can be absorbed by the children, to what extent the children can understand in the process of learning, and whether they can put what they have learned into practice .

When learning English, parents should find a learning assistant for their children, that is, find someone who can test their children's learning effects.When people are learning English, after learning new content, they always neglect review and application.If this link is missing, no matter how proficient the child learns in class, he cannot apply it in real life, and what the child learns is dumb English. The learning helper is not only to help children learn English, but more importantly, it plays a role in testing children's learning effects.The learning of most knowledge, especially English learning, is gradually accumulated in the process of making mistakes, correcting mistakes, making mistakes again, and correcting again.After a correct understanding of the mistakes made, you can have a deeper understanding of the knowledge points.People are usually most impressed by the mistakes they make, which is conducive to the memory of knowledge points, even better than one-time memory.

Who will be the helper?It is not necessary for the helper to be an expert in English.In the initial English learning, the main task of the assistant is to test the learning results, so it is not necessary to have a high level of English.But what is important is that this helper can help children overcome their timidity when learning a foreign language and enhance their confidence in learning.In the process of learning, if children are afraid of making mistakes, once they make mistakes, it will greatly dampen their enthusiasm for learning English.Therefore, learning assistants must maintain children's self-esteem during the learning process, dispel their fear of failure, and let children regard English learning as a kind of fun.

The helper for learning can be a close neighbor, a relative, or directly by the mother.As long as you pay a little attention, you can find many good study helpers around you.However, if mothers think that only English experts can help their children learn English, it may be difficult to find helpers for their children. Training schools and tutors are the second choice for children to learn English, but the premise is to ensure that the training schools or tutors can promote children's enthusiasm for learning English and play a real role in guiding and supervising children. Don't memorize "a, b, c, d..."

When carrying out bilingual education, an important content in the classroom is to let students listen to English tapes repeatedly.English sentences of different levels and contents are recorded in these tapes.I have students listen to these tapes repeatedly in class and sometimes ask them to listen to them at home. The purpose of this is to make children familiar with the structure of English sentences and the pronunciation of words through repeated listening, first of all have a perceptual understanding of English, and cultivate children's sense of language. This is the same as when a baby learns to speak. When a baby learns to speak, it starts with "listening".Whether children like it or not, they hear a lot of conversations every day. As children get used to these conversations, they develop a perceptual understanding of the pronunciation of words used, the structure of sentences and the language environment.Unconsciously, children gradually understand the content of people's conversations, and then try to speak, and finally learn to speak through this process.Therefore, to learn English, you must first start with "listening".

Now, some mothers in South Korea wish their children could speak fluent English as soon as they are born. When their children have not fully mastered their mother tongue—Korean, they will take the trouble to "a, b, c, ..." in front of their children. d..." to teach them English.This has no meaning for children's entry into English. For them, these letters are just pictures and marks. When you are not familiar with the English language environment, it is useless to memorize words by rote.By constantly listening to English sentences, after you are familiar with the structure and pronunciation of the sentences, it is not too late to pick out the words in the sentences and memorize the spelling, pronunciation and meaning together.Afterwards, by replacing words, memorize more words, which can achieve twice the result with half the effort.

To give a simple example, "Where is a school?" is a sentence we are very familiar with.After the child listens to this sentence repeatedly and becomes familiar with the structure and pronunciation of the sentence, let the child learn the pronunciation and spelling of each word corresponding to this sentence.After memorizing these words, you can also replace "school" with other words, which can help children master more words.Through this kind of learning, children will have a systematic understanding of English sentences, which is easy to master. And through this process, children can better grasp the Korean meaning of English.Sometimes when people around me teach their children English, they also tell them the meaning of Korean.In this way, when children learn English, they are like parrots learning their tongues. They can only imitate the pronunciation at that time, and the Korean meaning of English will be quickly forgotten.The reason is that children rely on the meaning of Korean to learn English, and their understanding of English is not enough.

Must recite the content that needs to be memorized There is a lot of controversy about whether learning English needs to be recited. Some mothers will ask such questions: "Do children need to memorize the English that they are not yet proficient in? Is it necessary to recite English education for young children?" In fact, according to my English teaching experience, especially for children learning English, reciting is a very effective method.As a result, many mothers asked me: "Wouldn't it have side effects if children were to recite so many things? Would this bury their creativity? Would it make them resistant to English learning?" In fact, these mothers don't know their children well. You must know that children in the growing stage have developed memory to a very high level.As long as they are interested, children have a very strong ability to learn knowledge, and it is easy to memorize knowledge. When a child listens to a sentence, if he is interested in the content of the sentence, the child will quickly remember the pronunciation and content of the entire sentence. For children who have never lived in a foreign country, if they are interested in learning English, through proper counseling and repeated listening and speaking exercises, the child may suddenly speak a whole sentence of English in an authentic tone one day.Because children will store 100% of the things they are interested in in their brains. A child's memory has unlimited potential.It is a mistake to think that excessive memorization will make children lose creativity and create resistance.The child's resistance to learning is not because he is excessively required to memorize knowledge, but because the previous wrong learning method made him lose interest in learning.If a child remembers with a strong interest, it will definitely not hinder the cultivation of his creativity. Proper memory can improve the child's creativity. When I was young, my father once taught me an English poem.At that time, my father read it to me sentence by sentence, and then briefly explained the meaning of each sentence to me. I was very interested in the content of the poem and quickly got it into my mind.Even now, decades later, I can still recite that poem in its entirety.After that, my father taught me to recite many English poems in a similar way.In the process of reciting, my English level has improved significantly. However, one thing to note is that children's concentration is not as good as that of adults, and it cannot be guaranteed that children can concentrate on memorizing knowledge all day.No matter how much you teach a child, even if he has a strong memory, he cannot absorb it if he cannot concentrate. So I suggest parents that when young children are learning English, they only need to learn one sentence a day, and after repeated memorization, they can finally recite it correctly. Confucius, the ancient Chinese sage, once said: "Learning and learning from time to time is nothing to say." Therefore, parents should help their children review the knowledge they have learned at any time.Through repeated reciting and reviewing, children's English will make gratifying progress every day. Learn words based on verbs The younger the child, the more enthusiastic they are about the things they are interested in.If a child reads and reads a fairy tale book again and again, it means that the child is very interested in the content of the book. After mastering this feature of the child, you can use this to make the child remember English words faster and easier. Children don't like to be quiet, and there is hardly a moment of idleness in the day.When teaching children English words, it is better to teach children verbs first than nouns.Eat, drink, play, sleep, speak...these verbs can arouse children's interest in learning more.If you teach children the actions that they often do in daily life, the effect will be better.Because, in this way, you can teach your children while doing demonstrations anytime and anywhere, and your children can also learn English while doing actions. When eating, tell the child that "eat" means to eat while doing the action of eating.Repeat this word every time you eat, and unconsciously, even if the mother doesn't say it, the child will say "eat" and eat happily.This holds children's attention better than just teaching dry nouns. After you are familiar with the actions, you can expand your vocabulary to include adjectives.Such as "angry", "pretty", "beautiful" and other words that can arouse children's interest.Then, teach children adverbs and nouns. Some impatient mothers always blindly teach their children nouns first. In the process of learning, children only have an abstract concept of some nouns. Cleverly use the tape recorder to master English pronunciation correctly When the child is learning English, mothers must avoid a mistake, that is, rashly teaching the child impure pronunciation.When teaching pronunciation, mothers should not be eager for success, and must let the children master the standard pronunciation before learning other content. I suggest that mothers use tape recorders to teach their children English pronunciation.By listening to standard English recordings, children can correctly grasp the details that adults cannot hear.If children pay attention to the learning of pronunciation from an early age, the problems that plague Korean pronunciation like "L" and "R" will not exist.Correct pronunciation is very important for children to learn authentic English. If children are not exposed to pure pronunciation, they will not learn pure English.When you grow up, it is very difficult to change it. Some mothers want to teach their children English directly by themselves, which requires mothers to master the correct pronunciation and intonation.This is not an easy task, I advise these mothers to use a tape recorder to complete the job. Learning Grammar After Your Child Is 6 One of the biggest disadvantages of Korean-style English education is the emphasis on grammar.In fact, after you are familiar with the sentences, as your vocabulary increases, you don't need to teach grammar. When I was carrying out bilingual education in the United States, I also spent a lot of thought on grammar education.The purpose of grammar learning is to master the principles of connecting each word into a sentence.Just like solving a math problem, if you master the idea of ​​solving the problem, you can easily solve the problem. However, it is difficult for young children to understand the abstract truth in language.In my opinion, when teaching a language, whether it is listening or speaking, the earlier you start, the better.But there is only one exception, and that is grammar learning.Now, primary schools have generally begun to set up English classes. I think it is more appropriate for children to start learning English grammar after the age of 6 at the earliest. The grammar learning I am referring to here does not mean cramming education such as how to use "negative words" and what kind of "past tense" is.It means that in the dialogue, through repeated practice of sentences, children can understand how each word should be used grammatically. "I'm hungry. Are you hungry?" "No, I'm not thungry." "Yes, I'm hungry." There are three "I'm" in this conversation.Through repeated practice, in the process of getting familiar with the content of the sentence, even without detailed explanation, the children can understand that the first person "I" should be used together with "am" expressing the first person action. When learning grammar, children need to be old enough to keep up with this form of learning.At the same time, when teaching, neither teachers nor parents should use the cramming education method, but let the children understand it by themselves through gradual and repeated exercises. ☆Adapting to society Let the children experience and comprehend by themselves After a child enters society, if he cannot adapt well to this society, he will still achieve nothing.Even if a child has a well-developed mind and extraordinary abilities, if he is out of tune with society, lacks self-confidence in front of others, and cannot handle interpersonal relationships well, he will still be useless and unable to display his talents. Recently, in the Seoul area, nearly 40% of children are addicted to the Internet.This means that our children lack the ability to adapt to society.These children are isolated at school and cannot handle interpersonal relationships well. In order to escape reality, they put all their hopes in the virtual world.Now this problem has attracted great attention from all walks of life. In some general hospitals, human relationship clinics have been specially set up. Some people think that adapting to society means having a docile personality and maintaining a happy mood, but this is not the case.The ability to truly adapt to society is to enable others to resonate with themselves and to establish close relationships with others. This ability of a child is not acquired suddenly one day, but requires a long-term training process.When the child is young, if the mother does not cultivate his ability to adapt to society in a targeted manner, then when the child really enters the society, he will be ruthlessly eliminated because he does not adapt to this society.To cultivate this ability of children, mothers should follow the following principles: Secure the bond between child and mother Children have problems in the family, and they will also have problems in society. Children first learn about the world through their mothers. When they are young, mothers are everything to children.If you can't feel the mother's love, the child will also be dissatisfied with the world. With a sense of frustration in the mother, the child will have a negative attitude towards the whole world and fall into depression.He will think that this is a world that makes him very painful.After such a child becomes an adult, he will always be wary in contact with others and cannot establish a good relationship with others. Children who had a close relationship with their mothers and formed a tacit understanding when they were young will also get along very well with others, and they will be full of confidence in doing things.The mother is the closest person to the child. The good relationship between the mother and the child is the first step for the child to live a good life and the basis for adapting to society.In order to enable children to establish good relationships with others after entering society, mothers must first ensure that they have a harmonious relationship with their children. How to judge the relationship between the child and the mother?This requires the mother to be sensitive to the slight changes of the child in life. I came across a poem written by Alice, which described the dead leaves falling from the branches and rolling on the ground in the wind.At the moment of reading the poem, my heart felt a bit sore. Now, the children and I have become a family, but Alice still does not fully trust me, which makes me very uneasy. How can I make the children open up to their mothers? After reading the child's mind, I said to Alice at night: "Alice, can I sleep with my mother tonight?" After Peter and Nancy heard this sentence, they also clamored loudly to sleep with their mother. I deliberately said loudly to them: "No, I will sleep with Alice today." Alice pulled me proudly hand, and went to bed with me. Children are not like adults, they are not good at expressing their feelings, they often bring this feeling to their actions.Sitting on the street crying, making trouble for no reason, suddenly not speaking, acting abnormally, these are all signs.As a mother, you must be able to see the inner world of your child from this information.If the mother cannot grasp this information in time, there may be problems in the relationship between the child and the mother. The relationship between a child and his mother has an extremely important impact on whether the child has confidence in entering society and whether he can live a healthy life. The strength of the child is beyond the imagination of the mother Every morning, I always drive my three children to kindergarten and school while I am at work.Since Nancy went to kindergarten, the three children always sat side by side in the back seat when dropping them off.Sending three children to school has become a joy in my life, and the three children also like to sit in the car and laugh and play. But not long after, one day, after getting off the bus in front of the kindergarten, Nancy suddenly said that she hated going to the kindergarten. The kindergarten that Nancy went to at that time was an affiliated kindergarten of an elementary school.Because there was no one to take care of Nancy at home, and I could drop off the child at work, so I let Nancy go to kindergarten a year earlier. Facing the vexatious Nancy, I was helpless, no matter how I tried to persuade her, she would not listen. In the end, she grabbed my skirt and started crying. I felt very embarrassed when I saw Nancy crying. "Are you taking Nancy to work? Did something happen in the nursery?" There were many thoughts in my mind, but in the end I firmly said to Nancy: "Nancy, don't the other children go to kindergarten happily? No matter how much Nancy cries, mom has to go to work. You Why do you hate going to kindergarten? Can you tell mom?" Nancy kept crying after hearing what I said, and I thought she just didn't want to go to kindergarten.I looked at Nancy again, sighed and said to her, "Mom is leaving", then handed her over to the kindergarten teacher, turned around and went to work. After arriving at the school, I got a call from Nancy's kindergarten teacher, who said that Nancy was still crying.I asked teacher Nancy what happened in kindergarten?Laughter came from the other end of the phone. The teacher said that the child will definitely not adapt well when he first arrives in a strange place. This is a process that every child needs to go through, so don't worry. After that, it went through this process a few more times.Every time I feel soft-hearted, I want to take Nancy away, but every time I hold back.I think that if I make an exception once, it will be difficult to start again. Nancy soon stopped crying and being vexatious, and she quickly adjusted to kindergarten life.Knowing that no matter how much trouble she made, Mom would still send her to kindergarten, she set out to find other ways to bring joy on her own.From then on, Nancy could get joy not only from her mother, but also from others, and she began to enjoy this joy too. Nancy is much stronger than I imagined. She is no longer a coquettish child. Among the children, she has become a king of children and gets along very well with the children.This made me understand that it was just my own wishful thinking that she was the youngest and deserved extra care. Mothers always think that children should get more care, and always feel that children are weak and delicate and should stay by their mother's side.As long as the child cries, he thinks something happened and worries about the child being wronged. In fact, the child is much stronger than the mother imagined, and the ability to respond to things is also very fast.When the baby cries and yells and refuses to leave the mother's arms, the mother can try to break free from their little hands.When their mother is not around, they will quickly adapt to the new environment. Practice dealing with others alone Now when I get together with grown-up children and talk about the past, there are always some topics that need to be brought up again and again.Especially the things that children travel when they were young, they always have to be said several times. Due to my husband's work, we have lived not only in the United States, but also in places such as Japan and Hawaii.We used to go on weekend trips back then, and the kids were always tested at the beginning of the trip. "Peter, now you go book a room." No matter who the children are, as soon as they arrive at the hotel, someone must hand over the luggage to the mother, and then go directly to the front desk to book a room.I ask the kids to deal directly with the well-groomed servers.For children, it takes courage to directly negotiate alone with adults they have never met. For the first time, Peter kept looking back at me standing in the lobby with a disturbed expression on his face.But I didn't move, I just looked at him with encouraging eyes. "Can I help you?" Seeing the child always looking at me, the hotel attendant who had already guessed what was going on asked Peter kindly.Facing the smiling waiter, Peter stammered a conversation. After the conversation, the waiter led Peter to the room.A few minutes later, Peter, still blushing, ran up to me. "Mom, I've finished booking the room. I can see the big trees outside from the window." I always ask the children to talk face-to-face with unfamiliar adults, and gradually, they overcome their fear.They can talk freely with others, and sometimes even make some jokes.Peter, who now runs the company, thinks of these past events and always says: "The negotiation skills I use in doing business now are all learned from that time. It can be said that I have started to conduct business negotiations since then." Peter was not joking. After this practice, Peter no longer felt nervous when talking to strangers.And he always takes the initiative to talk to others, and his friends are getting more and more.It is from then on that the child begins to contact the society. Contacting strangers is not particularly difficult. For children, through the accumulation of these small experiences, they can have more courage to face the outside world.On the other hand, through contact with the outside world and gaining experience in communicating with strangers, children's self-confidence can be enhanced. In contact with society, children can gradually develop their ability to adapt to society.After the child leaves her side, the mother may still worry about the child, but the child should take the first step towards society.Only after such experience can children find their own foothold in society. ☆Communication--to feel wholeheartedly "Mom, you don't know", "Mom, leave it alone"... When the child was growing up, the mother must have felt a little sad when she heard such words.I don't know when, there was a barrier between mother and child.From the time the child goes to kindergarten, there will be a sense of strangeness between the mother and the child, and this feeling will become stronger when the child reaches adolescence. As the child gets older, the mother becomes increasingly overwhelmed by the strangeness.So, always try to eliminate this barrier through talking. "Did anything happen at school today?", "How are you getting along with your friends?" However, such efforts are often in vain. The mother usually doesn't pay attention to listen to the child's opinion, and often nags the child: "You were born by me, I don't know you yet?" As time goes by, the child is unwilling to communicate with the mother.This happened, mostly because of the mother. "I've been trying to communicate with my children, why do I say it's my fault?" Let's listen to the conversations mothers have with their children as they learn. "Have you finished your homework?", "Have you completed today's learning tasks?", "Have you reviewed what you learned in the training class?" This kind of learning content accounts for 80% to 90% of the conversation. From the standpoint of the mother, this is a matter of course. The mother believes that the most important thing for the child is to learn, so the mother talks about learning with the child.But the child doesn't think it's a conversation. For the child, it's just the mother ordering him to learn. This goes on and on again, and the child is no longer willing to communicate with his mother.If the conversation with the mother is tiresome "learning", the child would rather be immersed in fantasy alone. After the child enters puberty, the mother is still trying to communicate with the child.However, the idea of ​​"nothing to say to mother" has been deeply rooted in the child's mind.Under the control of this consciousness, children will refuse to talk to their mothers, and even avoid contact with their mothers. How can we communicate effectively with our children?Mothers should develop the habit of communicating with their children when they are young.In order to have friendly communication with the child, the mother must make some improvements in understanding. Mom is not a teacher In Korea, mothers always want to be their children's teachers, so they will check their children's homework, make study plans, supervise and review homework in schools and training classes... and these should be the responsibilities of school teachers. In order to communicate effectively with children, the mother's first cognitive change should be to realize that "I am not a teacher". The duties of a mother are different from those of a teacher.The duty of the teacher is to teach. The teacher imparts knowledge to the children in the school, and the children should listen to the teacher's lecture unconditionally.If the mother talks like a teacher at home, the child will feel bored. At home, the child hopes that someone will listen to his thoughts. I am a professor, but at home I don't teach the children what they should learn in the classroom, I usually let the children learn through some entertaining ways.At home, my identity is not a professor, but a housewife, a mother.The children are not my students but my children.I was trying at home to forget about being a professor and be more of a mom.My responsibility is to listen to the children and make the home a place where children can express themselves freely. Mom always feels that the child is avoiding talking to her, but I think the child is actually very willing to find someone to communicate with.But it is a pity that whether in school or in training classes, or even at home, children can only act as listeners, but cannot talk to others according to their own ideas.Therefore, mothers should not always talk to the children like a teacher, but should always listen to the children's ideas and become an object that the children can communicate with. topic of conversation proposed by the child Korean mothers always take the lead when talking to their children, which has become a stumbling block in communicating with their children. Under normal circumstances, children's ability to organize language is much worse than that of their mothers. No matter how expressive the children are, they can't speak up to their mothers.Mothers should not always try to convince their children through dialogue, so that the children will think that they are being forced to listen to their mother's speech, and they will not have the sincerity to communicate. The most important purpose of communication is to convey your meaning to the other party.While conveying your own meaning to the other party, you must first listen to the other party's ideas, and the same is true for talking with children. When children focus on one place, it is difficult to be interested in other things.For example, the child wants to read comics, but the mother asks the child to study, can the child listen to the mother?In this case, the child will only "go in the left ear and out the right ear" to the mother. The child will speak his mind if the mother is willing to sit down and listen.After he has finished speaking his own thoughts, the child will be interested in listening to his mother's speech.He thinks that he has finished expressing his opinion, and he should listen to his mother's thoughts.After the child expresses his thoughts, it is much easier for the mother to communicate with the child.Because, at this time, the child believes that the topic of communication is not about the mother but about himself. Don't solve problems for children My children are always the first to seek my advice no matter what problem they have.However, I never give children the answer, but let them seek the correct answer by themselves by communicating with them. Our family has an hour of conversation time after dinner.It is a conversation, but it is actually a casual chat.There are a variety of topics for chatting, such as talking about friends in the same class, books you read, music you listen to... In short, things related to or cared about by yourself can become topics for chatting. During this time, I usually say nothing and just listen with interest to the children expressing their views.Sometimes, their opinions are not unified, and at this time they will ask for my opinion.Usually I will not express my opinion, but only give some hints, and the final conclusion is still for the children to draw. Children who are used to this kind of communication never hide their problems in their hearts when they grow up.They feel that no matter what the problem is, it can be solved through communication.In the process of children's growth, basically no major problems have occurred.They had found a solution through communication with family members before things got worse. Interestingly, after getting used to solving problems through communication, the children can openly talk about some problems that are inconvenient to talk to others.Alice even came to me to discuss matters of finding friends of the opposite sex. Whether it is in Korea or in the United States, interacting with the opposite sex is a very sensitive topic.Alice, however, took the initiative to seek my opinion because she had no experience, so she felt that it was necessary to hear my opinion.I told Alice what I thought, and of course it was up to her to make up her own mind in the end. ☆Love between brothers and sisters Living in this world, the people around you are your strong support.Dad, mom, and brothers and sisters.Among them, brothers and sisters are your longest support in this world.They came to this world almost at the same time and lived together since childhood. When encountering difficulties, brothers and sisters will always support you and help you without hesitation. I am so thankful that my children have brothers and sisters of their own.In the eyes of mothers, children will always be children, and I always worry about them.However, the harmony and mutual help among the three children has somewhat dispelled my worries. The most important thing between brothers and sisters is that they can give each other what their mothers cannot.Parents can do anything for their children, but no matter how selflessly parents give, there are some things they cannot give to their children. Only the same generation can give these things to each other. There will inevitably be a generation gap between parents and children.No matter how much parents understand their children, some of the distress and troubles of children in this age are something parents will never understand.Brothers and sisters in the same era are different. Brothers and sisters whose parents cannot do it can do it. maintain a competitive relationship There is such a story: the father taught two children to fish, and among the two children, the younger brother's fishing skills were better than the elder brother's.When they grew up, the two brothers went their separate ways.The older brother became a successful academic, the younger a journalist.One day, the younger brother said to his elder brother: "I often envy my elder brother, and my father always praises you." 听了弟弟的话后，哥哥说道：“不是这样的，其实爸爸更喜欢你。你钓鱼的技术更好。” 我经常想起这个故事，它告诉我们一个道理：父亲通过钓鱼，来维持两个兄弟的竞争关系。这个故事给了我很多启发。 哥哥从钓鱼技术好的弟弟那里产生了危机感，为了战胜这个危机，他全身心地投入到了学习之中。而弟弟因为父亲更加赞赏哥哥，从而激发了自己的好胜心，加倍努力拼搏。 事实上，兄弟间既是同伴又是竞争者。兄弟间在形成兄弟关系的同时，也开始了竞争。他们竞争最重要的砝码就是父母的爱，这样的竞争是从双方的比较开始的。 “妈妈喜欢弟弟那样做”、“哥哥那样做会受到爸爸的批评”，双方开始从行动上做比较，然后选择是去模仿还是改掉。 兄弟间这种自然的竞争，可以激发上进心、更好地发挥各自的能力，形成正确的价值观。因为是自己选择的竞争，更能激发自己的潜能。就像两个水平相似的长跑运动员一起跑步，可以创造更好的纪录一样。 这时候，父母的作用十分关键。父母从中要进行适当的调节，因为孩子们一味的竞争可能影响他们之间的感情，因此有必要把竞争控制在一定的范围内。 彼得曾经在全国性的大会上获得过优秀发明奖。获奖后，彼得非常高兴，因为长期以来，他一直生活在姐姐爱丽丝的阴影下。 彼得故意在姐姐和妹妹面前把奖状递给我。在大家传看奖状时，我注意到，爱丽丝只瞥了一眼，就递给了我，脸上冷冰冰的。 我只淡淡地表扬了彼得一句，然后对爱丽丝说：“我们的爱丽丝上次不是也得了奖吗？当时妈妈没有表扬你，真抱歉！” 爱丽丝马上释然了。晚上吃完饭后，我抽空把彼得悄悄地叫到跟前，抱在怀里在他耳边说：“你知道妈妈现在有多么高兴吗？我真是为你而感到自豪。” 我这么做，使爱丽丝确信妈妈对她的一贯肯定，而彼得也感受到了妈妈为他而自豪。爱丽丝从彼得那里已经有了危机感，但是在得到了妈妈的肯定后，她会继续努力地学习。彼得知道了自己的努力会令妈妈十分开心，也更加勤奋了。 如果没有注意到这一点，在爱丽丝面前一个劲地表扬彼得，彼得就会产生自满的心理，而爱丽丝也会因为彼得的骄傲而感到失落。 有的父母故意让孩子们进行比较，这样会给每个孩子造成伤害。被比较的对象会因为父母的关注而感到压力。而比较的对象，则会感到自尊心受到了伤害，从而丧失了自信，不能发挥自己的才能。 应该让孩子们自然地去比较，而不能刻意引起他们之间的竞争，也不能偏袒任何一方。否则，孩子们不会正确认识自己，而是更关心父母对自己的看法。 孩子们对细微的事情非常敏感。我每天在孩子们入睡前都要给他们读半个小时的书。我把每个孩子的房间门都打开，坐在走廊里给他们读。有一天南希对我说：“我的房间离妈妈最远了，请您往我的房间这边移一点。” 彼得听到南希的话后，大声说：“别肆耍也盘坏铰杪璧纳裟兀?/p> 紧接着，传来彼得的一阵笑声。我只要一歪头就可以看见彼得房间里面，原来彼得是捂住耳朵故意说听不到我说话的。结果孩子们因为这个问题竟然吵了起来。不知道又争论了多久，南希最后哭了。 这时我这才知道，原来在我看来微不足道的小事，对孩子们来说却是一个十分重要的问题。在他们安静下来之后，我对他们说：“彼得、南希，你们来这里量一下，妈妈在离你们相同远的地方读书。” 一直默不做声的爱丽丝听到这话也忽然叫了起来：“为什么把我漏掉了，也要从我的房间量一量。” 在以后为他们读书的时候，他们总要因为这件事而争吵。 于是我不再估量距离，而是找出尺子，让孩子们直接去测量。孩子们找到一个都满意的位置后，把椅子搬过来，还做了一个记号。 “从今天开始，我就在这个位置读书，这样公平吧？” 我一边读书一边想了很多。孩子们对细微的差别竟然敏感到这种地步，孩子们的想法和大人有很大的差别…… 孩子们不只会在乎妈妈给予其他兄弟姐妹的东西，连兄弟姐妹和妈妈的关系也很在意，而妈妈们却总是忽视这一点。 和以前的大家族式生活方式不同，现在只有父母能够给予孩子足够的关怀。孩子们认为兄弟姐妹会夺走父母给自己的爱，这就是为什么孩子们连一点点小事都要斤斤计较的原因了。 从那之后，如果哪个孩子不舒服，在照看那个孩子之余，我还要照顾到其他两个孩子的心情，不能冷落了他们。在想表扬一个孩子的时候，我也会找其他理由，三个孩子一起表扬。 我觉得世上最微妙的关系就是小孩子之间的兄弟姐妹关系。这种关系用大人的思维是很难理解的。妈妈在处理孩子之间的关系时，要抛开大人的思维，不要忘了，在妈妈眼中的小事，对孩子们来说可能就是一件大事。 要承认每个孩子的个性 韩国的妈妈们总是给孩子定一个标准，然后经常拿这个标准把自己的孩子同别的孩子做比较。而这个标准通常就是学习成绩。 一百个人有一百个不同的性格，孩子更加是这样。一样的父母生出的孩子个性各不相同。但是妈妈们总是看不到孩子们不同的个性，只按照自己的标准去要求孩子。如果符合妈妈规定的标准就是有能力的孩子，不符合标准就被认为是没有能力的孩子。 有的孩子因为没有按照父母的意愿去做，在和兄弟姐妹的比较中处于下风，他们也认识不到自己的特长，于是就以为自己是一个没用的人，将自己排除在这个家庭之外。 正在抚养孩子的父母们，首先应该弄清孩子们的不同个性。认为只有“学习好才是好孩子”的想法，只会剥夺孩子的个性。通过孩子的个性，可以了解孩子适合做什么。一般情况下，语文好的孩子英语也好，唱歌好的孩子画画也好。在弄清孩子的个性后，就要针对孩子的个性因材施教。 也许有的妈妈会这样问：“如果太注重孩子的个性，会不会影响孩子同其他兄弟姐妹的相处呢？” of course not.孩子们个性的发展反而会使兄弟姐妹间的关系更加和睦。以我的经验，孩子们通过比较，相互影响，相处会更加融洽。 从小就很内向的彼得，在具有领导才能的爱丽丝的影响下，不知不觉地变成了外向型的人，可以口若悬河地发表自己的主张。南希除了具有音乐细胞外，还具备了逻辑推理和思考能力，最终成为了能言善辩的律师。而她的逻辑推理和思考能力正是受了彼得的影响，善于辩论则是受到爱丽丝的影响。 不知从什么时候开始，个性迥异的孩子们忽然有了共同点。这正是兄弟姐妹互相影响的结果，他们吸收了其他人的优点。 电影《像流淌的江水》中有这样的台词： “不知道河里的小鱼对游向何方是否有一个共同的目标。但是，最终所有的小河都会汇入一条江，而江水最终也会流入海洋。” 江水川流不息，有的江水湍急，令人不敢涉险；有的江水平缓，成为鱼儿的乐园。但是，所有的江水不管怎样流，最终都会注入大海。 如果有人想阻止江水的流淌，或者将它引向其他的方向，都会被江水所吞没。 教育孩子就和这个道理一样，孩子们就像是不同的江水，但最终都会流向一个地方。如果父母想要改变江水的流向，最终只能导致江河的决堤。 怎样调和孩子们之间的关系，怎样教育孩子是一个很难的问题，如果真的为孩子们着想，就让孩子们自己去竞争、自己去比较、相互影响吧。父母只要给他们足够的爱，足够的信任就可以了。随着孩子们的互相学习、互相影响，他们也会由相互竞争转变成相互促进的。 ☆思考--引导孩子自己去寻找答案 每个人都有感性和理性两种认识。理性认识需要进行逻辑思考，无论处在什么样的环境中，通过逻辑思维考虑该如何解决问题就是理性认识。在通过理性思维得出结论的过程中，对事物的感知就是感性，感性是理性思维的基础。最近人们才开始认识到，感性认识能力是人们生活中必须具备的基本能力之一。 几年前韩国开始流行“感性指数”这一说法。报纸和电视上连篇累牍地宣称“感性指”低的人将不适于社会生存。敏感的妈妈们害怕孩子的“感性指数”低于别人，争先恐后地把孩子送到可以培养感性认识能力的学校去学习。 在学校培养感性认识的方法只有一种，那就是思考的多样化。培养感性认识最重要的一点就是从多角度进行思考。让孩子在面对一个事物时，能够从多个角度思考是培养感性认识的核心。 但是，强迫性的思考是不可取的。孩子面对不关心的东西，如果要求他去思考反而会阻碍孩子的想象力。让孩子自己去思考才是培养孩子感性认识的捷径，而这个捷径就隐藏在生活中。 不要忽略打破砂锅问到底的提问 在孩子的成长过程中，许多提问是没有答案的。“人为什么会死？”、“人们为什么要进行战争？”孩子类似的问题无穷无尽。如何回答这样的问题真的令大人们很为难。 不知道您是否遇到过这种情况：有一天孩子忽然问：“妈妈，我是怎么生出来的？” 这种问题虽然有答案，但是却十分难以回答。“爸爸和妈妈，在晚上相爱，就生出你来了。”即使直接这样和孩子说，孩子也不会真正地明白。妈妈面对这种问题不知道该怎样应付过去，最后只能回答：“因为爸爸和妈妈结婚了。” 这样回答完后，妈妈暗自松了一口气，以为自己的回答很巧妙，但是没有想到孩子的问题接踵而来。 “爸爸为什么和妈妈结婚？” “因为爸爸和妈妈相爱。” “爸爸和妈妈为什么相爱？爱是什么？” 这时候孩子连最初问的是什么都忘了，妈妈的耐心是有限度的。最后妈妈用生气的语调终止了对话：“等你长大就明白了。” 虽然孩子还有很多问题不明白，但是却不敢再问了。因为他已经觉察出妈妈有些不耐烦了。 在回答了几次孩子荒唐的问题后，妈妈就开始故意避开孩子的提问，而且还会觉得这样的对话是在哄小孩子玩，简直就是在浪费时间。 这样想就是妈妈的错误了，孩子是因为真的很好奇才会问这样的问题，而妈妈回答他们也绝对不是在浪费时间。阻止孩子的提问就是主动放弃了培养孩子感性认识的机会。 培养孩子感性认识的方法，就在这不停回答孩子的提问当中。当孩子问“为什么”的时候，孩子已经对这个问题进行了一番思考，实在想不明白才向妈妈求助，以得到正确的答案。在孩子打破砂锅问到底的提问中，孩子的思维越来越活跃，孩子的思路也在不断扩展，这是孩子感性认识的基础。 在孩子问“为什么”的同时，也要问孩子“为什么”。 “妈妈，人为什么会死？” 有一天正在吃晚饭的时候，南希突然向我提出这个问题。当时南希刚上幼儿园不久，对她突然的提问，我只有用常理来解释。 “人的年龄大了，身体就会衰弱、生病，衰弱到一定程度人就会死。” 南希似乎不满意我的回答，反问我： “不是的。人不是神创造的吗？” "yes." “那么神为什么让人死？” 这时候，我明白了南希问这个问题的初衷。小孩子是不会明白为什么神创造了人类，又会让人死的。我没有回答南希而是反问孩子们： “你们都是怎么想的呢？神为什么会让人死?” 孩子们没有想到我会这样反问，一时间都陷入了沉思。最后，三个孩子都说不知道。 我听了孩子们的话后，笑着说：“其实我也不知道。我们一起想一想，再回答吧。” 几天后，我再次向孩子们提出了这个问题。孩子们各自说出了自己的答案。我已经记不清孩子们具体是怎样回答的了。爱丽丝好像回答：“如果人不死，一直生活下去就会越变越懒。”彼得说：“如果人不死地球上的人就会越来越多。”不管他们的回答多么可笑，重要的是他们为了寻求答案经过了不断地思考。 妈妈们总是对孩子的一些问题显得手足无措，以为必须得给孩子一个答案。实际上，并不一定要给孩子一个正确的答案，只要能让孩子开动脑筋进行思考就足够了。反过来问孩子“为什么”是一个非常有效的方法。 在孩子的成长过程中，我和孩子最常说的话就是“为什么”。 “这个为什么会变成这样？” “我们为什么要这么做？” 通过不断地问“为什么”，让孩子们为了寻找答案而开动脑筋，经过这样不断地思考，孩子们的思路就会逐渐扩展开来。 曾经有这样一个故事： 在很久以前，有一个国王和一个公主。国王只有这么一个公主，因此视她为掌上明珠。有一天，公主想要天上的月亮，国王为了达成公主的愿望，把所有的大臣都叫来，一起商量办法。大臣们都说月亮离地面太远了，而且又很大，摘下来是不可能的。 一个小丑听到这个消息后，表示能够完成公主的心愿。他来到公主面前问公主：“公主殿下，月亮有多大，怎么才能摘到？”公主回答说：“你这个笨蛋，月亮只有我的指甲那么大，只有我窗前树梢那么高，顺着树爬上去就可以够到了。” 于是国王就给公主做了一个只有指甲大的月亮，公主满意地笑了。 孩子的想象力和思考能力不如成年人，但成年人在思考问题的时候总爱拘泥于固定思维模式，对一个事物不会再有更多的想法。对成年人来说月亮就是月亮，但对公主来说，月亮只是一个梦想。只要能够实现梦想，即使只有指甲大小的月亮也是可以的。 孩子的想象力通过不断地思考和提问，会变得越来越丰富。如果妈妈对孩子的想法和提问只停留在固定的思维中，孩子的想象力就会受到限制。 想要把孩子培养成感性认识丰富的人，妈妈首先要改变传统认识。不要总为孩子上什么培训班而苦恼，应该先听一听孩子提出的问题，然后经常问一下孩子“为什么？”以开拓他们的思考空间，“为什么”的提问中隐藏着孩子的感性认识的灵光。