Chapter 4 Chapter 2 Look at Yourself Before Blaming Your Child
Not long ago, I went to the United States to visit the children. When I saw them, I asked, "Do you remember the first time you were with your mother?" I suddenly asked Alice, Peter, and Nancy. Startled, they begged me to stop bringing up the embarrassing things.
☆Everything starts at home
Not long ago, I went to the United States to visit the children, and when I met them, I asked, "Do you remember the first time you were with your mother?"
My sudden question surprised Alice, Peter, and Nancy, who begged me to stop bringing up the embarrassing things.
"Grandma, what did my parents do?" the grandchildren asked me with naughty blinks.
"Your mother is a good and obedient child. Uncle and aunt don't know how happy they are!" Nancy tried to smooth things over, and at the same time she winked at me and said, "Mom, am I right?" So, I He swallowed back the words that came to his lips.
My grandchildren are still pestering me endlessly, but I can't help them, so I can only say: "Go ask your parents!"
Even though I kept telling a joke about what happened that day, my kids were always embarrassed.There is of course a reason for this.
Frankly, Alice, Peter, and Nancy weren't what they were when we first got together.
On my first day with the kids, I asked the kids to put the dishes on the table when it was almost time for dinner.But after a while, I don't know where the sound of the plate breaking.I hurried out to see Alice and Peter throwing dishes on the table.
A few days later, after the children finished their homework, I asked them to come to the living room to play.The children moved all their toys to the living room.After a while, the living room became like a big dump.When it was time to rest, I asked them to tidy up the living room, but after they made a mess of the living room, they all ran to the second floor.
After a while, there was a sound of "bang, bang" on the second floor. I went up to see that the three children had already fought into a ball.
"Nancy touched my stuff!" Peter yelled.
Nancy retorted loudly: "You took my things first!"
These three children, as soon as they got home, got into their own rooms and couldn't come out. If they played together, they would get into a ball within a few minutes.Thinking of this, I let out a long sigh.
After observing for a few days, I called the children to me.I asked them, "How do you feel about throwing dishes on the table, leaving toys after playing with them, and fighting between siblings?"
The children did not answer.
I asked them again: "Do you know what a family is?"
The children looked at me with blank faces.Yes, for them who lost their mother very early, this question is too difficult to answer.
"Bowls and dishes are the tableware we all use when we eat together. They are very precious. How can they be thrown away? If you don't clean up your own toys, who will clean them up for you? The person who cleans up your toys will be very hard. Also, Do you feel comfortable fighting with others? Blaming each other, what good does it do you?"
Children don't know what family is, nor do they understand the principle of caring for each other when living together.Looking at the ignorant children, I couldn't help feeling compassionate.
In the vast sea of people, when you feel tired, where can you rest?Where do you feel safe when you are afraid?Only home.
Children who change at home
Since then, I have been racking my brains to help children understand the concept of "home"; trying to find ways to make them feel at home.Opportunity came quickly, and I've been letting the kids take turns cleaning.It was Alice's turn that day, and it happened that she was not feeling well.So I seized this good opportunity and said to Peter who often quarreled with Alice: "My sister is not feeling well today, can you help her clean?"
Peter's expression became complicated, because the brothers and sisters had never been in the habit of helping each other, so he seemed hesitant.I stood in front of the hesitant Peter, so that Alice who was lying on the bed could hear me, I shouted: "Our Peter cleaned the room for the sick Alice today, did Alice hear?"
As if to let his sister see his performance, he wiped and wiped with extra effort.I can still vividly remember his appearance of sweating profusely and earnestly cleaning.
Since Peter cleaned for Alice, Alice's attitude towards Peter has changed a lot.When she was in trouble, she would ask Peter for help, and she always expressed her gratitude to Peter.Hearing his sister's thanks, Peter was very happy. Gradually, he was willing to help Nancy when she was in trouble.
Of course, things don't always go so smoothly, and they will fight over trivial matters, and even get bruised and swollen.
After explaining the meaning of family to the children, I would not condone any fights between them again.After each fight, I first let them know who is right and who is wrong, and then the three of them will be punished together.If the mistake is not recognized, prohibit them from going out, or let them write a review.Every time I say the same thing to them: "You forget that we are family, and that's the biggest mistake. Family is about putting up with each other and caring for each other. If we don't do that, we can't be called family."
After such a lesson, the children began to change.While being punished together, they gradually understood how to satisfactorily resolve the conflicts between brothers and sisters, how not to hurt each other, and how to care for others.
One day, they used to throw the dishes on the table again, so I immediately said to them: "Whoever breaks the bowl will have no food."
In fact, the dishes we used at home were all made of plastic at that time, and they would not break at all.However, the children still dare not throw the dishes casually because of this sentence.They handle it with care and care, watching the changes in the children, I feel sincerely relieved.
Since then, even the most trivial feelings will be shared by the whole family.Whenever my father came home from get off work, the children studying in their respective rooms would come out to greet my father; the children also learned to help me clean the room. Although the labor skills are still very immature, this does not affect their enthusiasm for labor; We will laugh together when we encounter happy things, and we will grieve together when things are painful.Children are like new shoots gradually sprouting from the branches of a tree, with new changes every day.
If there is no concept of family, they will never have this kind of change.The children finally gradually understand that the family is a whole, and this whole has built a strong line of defense for them, so the children have a sense of security.Because of such a family, they found their lost self-confidence.
The petite Nancy dared to hold her head high among the big children; Peter, who was always unable to concentrate and was worrying, regained his confidence; Alice made those white-skinned and blue-eyed children abandon racial differences concept and become a "little leader" among children.All this can only be learned in a stable family.
Therefore, I can say responsibly that educating children must never be divorced from the family.
☆Let children learn by themselves
We often see this scenario in families with children:
"How many times have I said this, this question should be answered like this! I just taught you yesterday, why is it wrong again?"
"Mom, I hate doing homework, can you let me play for a while before doing it?"
"Don't be noisy! If you don't finish all these questions today, don't even think about playing!"
From a baby who is waiting to be fed to a child who can talk and walk, things that annoy the mother will follow.The topic that Korean mothers are most concerned about is "children's education".Mothers have many questions about their children's education.
"When should children be educated? How should they be educated? What should be educated?"
Regarding children's education, I once heard some mothers around me say: "First of all, mathematics and English must be learned. In terms of perceptual education, art and music are also indispensable." Among so many choices, finally The mothers made a decision: "Learn what you can."
However, what the mother asks to learn is not necessarily what the child wants to learn.For children, they have their own preferences, and they will get bored of the things they don't like.And completely entrusting the child to the teacher, the mother is unwilling.
Tossing the child back and forth like this makes the mother always feel uneasy.As soon as they heard that the neighbor's children had finished learning Japanese and were learning English, the mothers couldn't sit still and began to force their children to learn other languages, eventually turning a peaceful home into a battlefield of quarrels.
In this way, mother also becomes exhausted.The impression that "study is boring" is also formed in the child's mind, and at the same time, the brand of "mother is terrible" will be branded.So what should mothers do?
Let children learn by themselves in life
When I lived with the children, I made up my mind that I would never have conflicts with the children because of me.The children still need a process of adapting to the new living environment. During this period, even if I can't do anything for them, I can't bring them a burden.
How to guide children is a very difficult thing.Having kids living in America as Orientals is a big hurdle.In the United States, if you want to survive as a minority, you must study hard to gain the recognition of Americans.I have a deep understanding of this.Therefore, how to cultivate children's abilities has become the most important task.
"Once you get along well with the kids, is there any way to guide them to learn on their own?"
I ask myself this question several times a day.To find out, I spent time with my kids after get off work and no matter what I was doing at home.I figured that by doing things together, I might be able to find answers to my questions.Even when I was washing the dishes, I made a point of calling them to my side.Every time I go to the market to buy things, I also take my children with me.
After observation, I found an interesting thing.Every time the kids are doing something with their mom, they look so happy.Even if they go to the supermarket to buy seasonings, the children are as curious as if they are traveling.
One day, when I went to a large supermarket to buy groceries as usual, I saw the happy faces of the children, and I suddenly wondered, could the children learn something in such a happy atmosphere?
At this time, I happened to see the milk on display on the shelf, and Nancy was standing next to me, so I asked her, "Nancy, which is more, a large carton of milk or two small cartons?"
Nancy, who was looking at this and that with great interest, heard my question, picked up the milk and looked at it for a while, muttering: "Look at the package and you'll know right away..." At this moment, Peter walked away Coming over, he picked up the milk and said, "Isn't the weight marked here? Add the weight of the two small boxes together and you can compare it with the weight of the big box."
Nancy and Peter held up the milk for a while and said happily: "Mom, the amount of milk in one large box is the same as that in two small boxes. Don't worry, you can buy either."
They seemed to think I was asking to save money.Taking the opportunity, I called Alice to me again: "You all know that our family's daily food expenses are 5 dollars. Now you can help me choose 5 dollars of food and come back, okay?"
As soon as I finished speaking, the children's faces showed excitement.They immediately put on an old-fashioned look, put their heads together and started to discuss.A lot is needed, but for $5, it's no easy feat.The children figured out what was necessary and calculated the price, and finally bought a large basket of things for $5.
Since then, every time I go to the market, I have the kids count the prices.The child who counts the fastest, I will reward him with a few coins.In such a process, the children's mathematical calculation ability has been greatly improved.
Treat the kitchen as the best educational classroom
Over time, I finally found meaning in doing things with my kids.In the process of working with children, I can naturally understand what children care about and what they are interested in.From this foundation, it is possible to use time with children as an educational lesson.
Interestingly, what may seem like learning to the mother may be a game to the child.When going to the market, the children will pick up the products one by one and observe them to find out where they are produced, how they are produced, and what ingredients they contain... If they don’t get the final answer, even if no one reminds them, the children will go home Finally, I will take the initiative to look through the book to find the correct answer.Moreover, the knowledge obtained in this way is not easy to forget, and people can easily remember things that they often come into contact with in life.
I have also turned the kitchen into the best teaching place possible.There are endless problems with even one food ingredient.Take potatoes as an example, which part is eaten, what ingredients are in it, what effect does it have on the body after eating, etc. Through such questions and answers, children can learn a lot of knowledge.
In the process of observing vegetables, choosing vegetables, washing vegetables, cutting vegetables, and cooking vegetables, children's knowledge in various fields such as mathematics, science, and philosophy can be improved.As long as I give them proper guidance, they can find out the answer for themselves.
If you think about it carefully, this is not just a process of acquiring knowledge, it can also help children understand the profound relationship between man and nature.People know very well that nature gives everything to human beings, how human beings live, and how human beings should live in harmony with nature in order to survive... However, because these ideas are relatively abstract, they are easily left behind by people.However, through conversations with their mother in the kitchen, the children gradually understood the true meaning of it.
Since then, through this method, my children have acquired a lot of knowledge that they would never have access to in the classroom.An educational philosopher once said: "The kitchen is the best place for children to learn."
This made me understand the truth that mothers should not just sit there and read, memorize, and write to educate their children.Instead, we should acquire knowledge from life. Wouldn't it be easier to educate children like this?
Mothers often make the mistake of seeing their children as a blank sheet of paper, while themselves acting as painters who can draw on the paper.In order to draw a good picture, my mother painted various colors on it.
Children are not computers, and they do not store input information intact like computers do.When the mother asks the child to accept all education unconditionally, the child will only have an aversion to learning, and at the same time, he will also have a sense of distrust towards the trusting mother.
One fact we must never forget is that education is not about letting children learn unconditionally.Compulsory learning will only cause conflicts between parents and children.Now, parents should stop this behavior immediately and instead, carefully observe the children in the process of doing things with them.Through the process of living with children, find ways to educate children.Life is the best stage for learning.
☆Children have great potential
In the process of raising a child, people often worry: "Is my child responding very slowly?" Especially when the child is in poor health and ability compared to other children after the age of two, mothers always worry that the child is There is nothing wrong with it, and he is always compared with his brothers and sisters, wishing that the child would become a genius in no time.
This is the case with my children, Alice, who often receives awards at the school assembly, is excellent in all aspects, Nancy has a strong artistic talent, and Peter is too mediocre compared with his older sisters.However, he also has his strengths.He is obsessed with the field of science he is interested in.He especially has a strong interest in machinery, and he can make exquisite little things at a young age.
While discovering his strengths, I also had a lot of pressure and burden in my heart.How to make up for Peter's shortcomings and shortcomings?
Peter is a cautious and introverted kid.At his age, he should like to play with children, but he likes to be alone in his fantasy.His grades in school were not very good. When he was in the lower grades of elementary school, he could not concentrate in class and was often criticized by the teacher.Compared with his sister Alice, he always has a feeling of inferiority.
Don't rush the kids, be patient
Every time I see Peter, I always think how can I get him to get rid of his negative personality and get out of Alice's shadow?How can I help him build up his confidence?These are urgent problems to be solved.
I comforted myself that "Peter is no worse than others, he will definitely be able to display his talents", but at the same time I was worried about Peter, would he be bullied by others?Will you cringe even more at school because you are criticized?I even wish I could be by his side every day.
This anxious mood can't solve any problems, and Peter will be even more disturbed when he sees me like this.
So, every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself: "Don't care about the child's shortcomings, only encourage his strengths."
From then on, even if Alice gets full marks in the test, I will not praise her in front of Peter.As for Peter's grades, I only praised him for his good subjects, and ignored his bad subjects. "That's great, Peter. I knew you could do it. I'm proud of you."
While praising Peter, I kept telling myself that Peter can really do a good job, so I don't want to feel uneasy about it.
With that in mind, Peter's grades at school didn't matter to me anymore.I began to think about how to make up for what I saw as Peter's shortcomings.
Peter showed a strong interest in mathematics and science, but was relatively weak in languages.Therefore, he hated writing very much.
"Peter, how about you use this notebook to record what you do every day from today on?"
Instead of the big journals that kids usually use, I gave Peter a palm-sized one and told him to take his time.
Peter began to practice writing under my persuasion, but it didn't have any significant effect. He still didn't have any outstanding performance in language.However, what is more important to me is his trust in me, and at this point he has already taken the first step.
In the process of Peter practicing writing, I discovered a very important point.Peter's expression in long sentences is relatively weak, but he is good at writing short, general sentences.That is to say, he is suitable for writing poetry.I don't know when he started to write poems by himself, and composed tunes for them.
Peter began to eliminate the psychological barriers in language and regained his confidence.His language performance began to improve significantly as the grade rose.Although it is not particularly satisfactory, but now I can finally feel relieved about this.
I don't know if Peter's change was the result of writing practice, or if I simply hadn't discovered his talent before.But one thing I can be sure of is that I have never urged my children to do anything.
Break out of the cocoon in the long wait
At this time, I had to go back to Korea for a while due to my health.After I got married, I took care of my three children and studied at the same time. I slept no more than 3 hours a day.In the end, due to excessive fatigue, I vomited blood and passed out. The doctor diagnosed me as having a serious stomach problem.My father who got the news ordered me to drop everything and go back to Korea immediately.While I was wondering what to do, the condition worsened and I had to go back to Korea for treatment.
At this time, the husband happened to be sent to work in Japan.South Korea and Japan are relatively close. When I return to Korea, we can take care of each other in Japan.Her husband was a teacher in the US Army stationed in Japan.The children also transferred to a school for foreign children within the U.S. military.After my physical recovery, I also came to Japan to take charge of the coach, so we officially started our life in Japan.
One day after living in Japan for a year, Peter came back from school and handed me his final exam report card.At that time, my impression of Peter's grades in school was still in the past.So, I took the report card calmly.But the moment I saw the transcript, I couldn't believe my eyes.All his grades were A+, and frankly, I thought I was delusional.
So I made a phone call to Peter's homeroom teacher with the child behind my back.
"How many kids named Peter are there in your class?"
The teacher replied that there was only one student named Peter in their class.So I said directly to the teacher: "As far as I know, Peter is not a very good student, his grades have suddenly improved so much, I wonder if this is his report card, or is the teacher making a mistake? "
As soon as my voice fell, I heard a burst of laughter from the head teacher on the phone.
"I'm not mistaken, that's Peter's grade. Peter is a very good student!"
After a pause, the teacher continued to praise Peter: "Peter is not only full of enthusiasm in class, but also very active in everything he does. He is a role model for other students."
It is unbelievable that Peter, who was once considered slower than other children, got A+ in all subjects on the eve of his primary school graduation.
Peter's confident smile seemed to appear in front of my eyes.
From then on, I didn't have to worry about Peter anymore.Not because he got good grades, but because he found confidence.
After leaving Japan for Hawaii, Peter attended Punahu High School.Peter is also one of the best students in this school.
In the fairy tale "The Desire of Flowers", the protagonist, the little caterpillar, wants to leave the earth and go to a place closer to the blue sky.In order to get close to the sky, his companions stepped on their companions' bodies and climbed up one after another. As a result, a tower was built with his body, so he also stepped on his companion's body and climbed desperately to the top of the tower.However, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't climb up. Finally, he gave up his efforts and returned to the ground.
Later, he heard an old man say that if he made a cocoon and waited in it for a long time, he would eventually turn into a butterfly and fly freely into the blue sky.So the little caterpillar broke away from its companions who were desperately climbing up, and began to weave a cocoon for itself. After a long wait, it finally broke out of the cocoon and became a butterfly with a pair of beautiful wings, swimming freely in the sky.
Peter spent 10 years looking for self-confidence. 10 years is a very long process.Just like a caterpillar breaks out of its cocoon and becomes a butterfly, 10 years is the time Peter must go through to find his own wings.If Peter chooses to give up, falter, or rush, he will never escape the unresponsive, unfocused comments.
Through Peter's experience, I understand that the power contained in children is far beyond the imagination of parents.But now some mothers often only see a little performance of their children, and jump to conclusions, eager for success.
When people plant trees, in order for the saplings to take root deeply, they will apply a little fertilizer, and then wait for the saplings to adapt to the soil and fertilizer.If you apply a lot of chemical fertilizers to the saplings at once, even with the best fertilizer, the roots of the trees will rot completely.Not to mention growing up to be useful, even small saplings will wither and die.
Therefore, mothers should not feel uneasy and impatient just seeing their children's current appearance.We must believe in the talents of children, encourage them more, and wait for their transformation more patiently.
☆Do not treat children as "showcases"
"My child's English is very good", "My child is learning piano"... We often hear mothers talking about similar topics.Mothers always think that it is a good mother to let their children learn this and that, and they are satisfied with their children's versatility.
But do you do it for your children, or for yourself?Of course, all mothers in the world will think that what they do is for their children and not for themselves.If they were to treat their children as "showcases," they would be furious.
But unfortunately, most children in South Korea have become "showcases" for their mothers.I don’t know if the mothers know that many children need to go to the pediatric psychiatry department for treatment because of emotional problems, and most of the treatment process requires the participation of the mother. Only the participation of the mother can solve the child’s psychological illness.
Children who receive pediatric psychiatric treatment are fortunate enough to experience some change in their mother's attitude towards them after treatment.But most ordinary children become victims of their mother's vanity in the process of growing up.
don't use kids as an excuse
Mothers in South Korea have worked hard for their children's education.As soon as I saw the advertisement of the new school or the news of the elite training class, I was moved by the wind.
At the behest of their mother, the children had to do something they didn't like.English, mathematics, writing, computer, art, music... mothers can't wait for their children to learn everything.Most of the children nowadays are multi-talented, but very few children are proficient in one of them. Ji Qiao Si Yan Jian Baking ⒆ And Bad Dream You Yu Yin Yong Zhichen?/p>
Whenever this happens, I always suspect that these mothers force their children to learn this and that in order to realize their unfinished dreams in their children.
Except for a very small number of people, most women in South Korea have a subconscious of being victimized.Because no matter how society changes, raising children and doing housework are taken for granted as women's responsibility.Before marriage, as a woman, you can still do what you like to do with your own efforts. However, once you get married and have children, a woman who becomes a mother will be bound by the family and will no longer be able to realize her dreams.The potential victim awareness gradually emerged.
Some mothers are often psychologically unbalanced.When I see a friend or sister marrying a rich man; when I see others decorating a new house; And when they are well dressed, their psychology will be very unbalanced.What touches the nerves of these women the most is seeing the so-called elites such as doctors, lawyers, bosses and professional women in TV dramas all living a prosperous and comfortable life.Comparing others to dine elegantly in a high-end western restaurant, and myself haggling with others in the market for a penny, it is really a special feeling in my heart.
In the comparison with others, the sense of victimization is gradually transformed into "hate". "If only I had worked harder in my studies...", "If I had worked hard to get a lawyer's qualification...", but there is no "regret medicine" in this world.
In the eyes of mothers, the future of young and ignorant children has not been determined, and mothers can continue their ideals in them.As a result, the children are left with only one path chosen by their mothers, which is to live a life that is enviable by others and to compensate for the current poverty.Unknowingly, the mother lost herself and stifled the child's free growth.
Moms forget an important fact, children have their own lives and they have the power to choose their own lives.
A child's wish vs a mother's wish
When I was raising three children, there were no training schools in the United States.There are only specialized schools for children with special talents, the equivalent of art schools in Korea.
Nancy seemed to have a talent for art, and she once wanted to go to a specialized school.However, I ended up sending my kids to regular schools.Because, through my observation, I found that Nancy has no extraordinary talent.If she is blindly sent to a specialized school to study art, she may be eliminated in her future studies, which will cause great harm to her life.
Nancy hasn't given up on her hobby, she's still fascinated by the art side of things.Although I failed to provide special art training for the children, as an aspect of perceptual education, I decided to let them learn the piano.The house happened to have a piano, and we had a neighbor who played the piano.
"Children, do you want to play your favorite music directly on the piano? Playing the piano is a very interesting thing!"
The children nodded vigorously.At the beginning, they studied very seriously, but within a few days, the children began to look at me and act.One day, when it was time to learn the piano again, they always hesitated to go and exchanged glances with each other.Finally, Alice plucked up the courage to say to me: "Mom, must we learn the piano?"
I was surprised, I thought kids would love to play the piano.I asked them why, and they said they hated the atmosphere of playing the piano very much, so they might as well do other things they want to do when they have this time.Also, they were not very happy with the teacher who taught the piano.I asked them when they started thinking this way, and the children's answers surprised me.
"Actually, we didn't like it very much from the beginning."
"Then why didn't you say it earlier?"
"Didn't mom want us to learn piano?"
In an instant, I was stunned.I've always used it for the kids as an excuse, but I've imposed it on them.Seeing that I didn't speak, the children said to me anxiously: "Mom, if you want us to learn the piano, we will continue to learn. Does it make you sad that we don't learn the piano? I'm sorry! Mom."
Listening to the children's words, I couldn't help but shed tears.
Children hope that their mother is always happy, even if they don't like to do things, they will do it for their mother.
I didn't really understand the children's thinking, but I just followed my imagination and unintentionally forced them to do things they didn't like to do.
"What right do I have to force my kids to do things they hate to do?"
So, I immediately stopped letting them learn the piano.Although this is just a trivial matter, I understand through this incident that as a mother, you should point out the direction for your children, but you cannot force them to do something.
Mothers who are raising children often mistakenly believe that no matter what, children can succeed if they work hard.Because the child does not know what to do now, it should be decided by the mother.In fact, this is a dangerous idea.Of course, there is nothing wrong with doing things seriously, but this matter should be chosen and decided by the children themselves.
Before asking your child to do something, you must consider whether the child likes to do it or doesn't like to do it.Don't impose your wishes on your children because you think it is good for your children's future.
At the same time, mothers should not think that they can train their children to be excellent talents by working hard.The growth process of children is not a jigsaw puzzle, you can try to solve it piece by piece.If the mother blindly forces the child to do things that he does not like to do, the child will develop resistance, and the final result can only be that the mother is mentally exhausted, the child is exhausted, and the relationship between the parent and the child will be cracked.
Nancy told me that she was recently taking an introductory piano lesson with her children.In the past, Nancy hated learning the piano, but now seeing her children learning, she suddenly had the urge to learn again.Despite her age and the time it took, Nancy said she hadn't been happier in a long time.
After listening to Nancy's words, I thought to myself that it was fortunate that they were not forced to learn piano at the beginning, otherwise, how could I see Nancy's cute appearance learning elementary piano like a child?
avoid unnecessary sacrifices
In the process of raising children, always be aware of the role you play.Because parents often look at their children with the wrong eyes and don't recognize the role they should play.
Parents think that it is their duty to provide their children with food, clothing, and schooling.
In fact, the obligations of parents are far more than that.When children are faced with future choices, they should have the right to make their own choices.However, some parents feel that they have done enough for their children, and now their children should grow up according to their parents' wishes. I believe every mother understands that the relationship between parents and children is not "how much I give you, you have to repay me." How much" is the equivalent exchange relationship.
I think parents need to have a spirit of sacrifice when doing their duty for their children.Sacrifice means giving without asking for anything in return.Giving that requires something in return is not sacrifice.When parents give for their children, don't draw a line for their children, although this is not easy to do.
In fact, I also want my children to do what I want.Alice wants to be a writer, a doctor or a lawyer; Nancy also wants to be a doctor or a lawyer; Peter wants to be a physicist or an inventor.Peter was gifted in science and engineering as a child, so he thought the same as I did.但是，爱丽丝和南希作为东方人，在美国如果想平稳地生活下去，医生并不是一个理想的职业。而律师这种职业经常要违背自己的良心，因此我也不太赞成。
但是，对孩子们的选择我没有过多的干涉。虽然我想让他们听听我的意见，但最终我还是忍住了。从最后的结果来看，我的做法是明智的。
我对爱丽丝和南希的担忧都是不必要的，长大后她们走上了自己选择的道路，成为两名正义的律师。彼得也按照自己的梦想，在人生道路上满怀信心地前进着，无论遇到什么挫折他都不会轻易放弃。如果我当初干预了孩子们的生活，现在也不会看到孩子们幸福的笑容了。
父母不能代替孩子生活，同样，孩子也不能再给父母一次人生。父母有父母的生活，孩子有孩子的生活。
父母养育子女，就像培植一棵幼苗一样。要想让幼苗长成栋梁之才，需要有足够的养分、充足的阳光和适当的风雨。父母的作用就是当幼苗需要水时，给它们浇水；遇到风雨时，为它们抵挡。但是，幼苗不会按照人的想法想成为苹果树就成为苹果树，想成为梨树就成为梨树。孩子和幼苗一样，不会完全按照父母的想法去成长。
纪伯伦(KahlilGibran)在他的一书里有这样的描述：
你们可以给孩子以爱，却不可给他们以思想，
因为他们有自己的思想。
你们可以荫庇他们的身体，却不能荫庇他们的灵魂，
因为他们的灵魂，住在“明日”的宅中，那是你们在梦中也不能想见的。
你们可以努力去模仿他们，却不能使他们来学你们，
因为生命是不能倒行的，也不与“昨日”一同停留。
你们是弓，你们的孩子是从弦上发出的生命箭矢。
那射者在无穷之中看定了目标，也用神力将你们引满，使他的箭矢迅疾而遥远地射了出去。
让你们在射者手中的“弯曲”成为喜乐吧；
因为他爱那飞出的箭，也爱那静止的弓。
抚养孩子就是让孩子自己去感受生活，选择自己的路，而父母所要做的就是在孩子身旁给予帮助。
现在，我想问一下读到这里的妈妈们，你们还把孩子当作实现自己梦想的寄托吗？ ...
☆给孩子一个空间
我念小学的时候曾经读过一本小说，直到现在这本小说还常引起我的思考。这本小说就是阿尔贝?加缪写的。
在中，主人公莫尔索是一个普通的公司职员。他对所有的事情都漠不关心，包括自己。在听到母亲去世的消息后，他也无动于衷，糊里糊涂地参加完母亲的葬礼，第二天他去了海滨浴场碰到了从前的女同事玛丽，两人一起游泳，晚上又看了一场滑稽电影，电影的情节使两人笑得前仰后合。莫尔索最常说的一句话就是：“那不是什么重要的事。”
他对想升他职的老板说：“您也和别人一样，不愿意改变生活吧！”当恋人问他爱不爱她时，他回答说：“这有什么关系吗？”
在海边他用枪杀了人，法庭上法官问他为什么杀人，他的回答很简单：“因为阳光太刺眼了。”
给孩子提供独立思考的时间和空间
如果妈妈看到孩子一个人坐在房间里，什么都没做，只是看着窗外的天空发呆，妈妈会怎么做？是给他一个玩具，还是跟他说别浪费时间了？妈妈不要一看到孩子发呆就一副忍无可忍的样子，至少也应该关心一下孩子是不是有什么问题。妈妈似乎最看不得自己的孩子待着没事干的样子(即使只是短暂的发呆)。
彼得就格外喜欢沉浸在空想中，特别是什么都不做，自己一个人沉浸在遐想之中。大多数人肯定会认为他不会在想什么重要的事情，而我看到彼得这样，却非常想知道这个孩子到底在想什么？
但是我没有干涉彼得。其实，不只是彼得，爱丽丝和南希在做完功课后，我也让她们回到自己的房间做自己的事情。彼得经常发一会儿呆后，就开始捣鼓一些组装品，还会掏出书来，在纸上画着什么。爱丽丝和南希则喜欢编织一些东西，有时画画玩。
他们有的时候就是呆呆地坐者。但是，不管孩子们做什么我都不会去干涉，只是偶尔我会引导他们做一些事情。
在这段时间里无论是画画，看书，还是玩玩具，都是孩子自己的选择。孩子们也有了自己思考的时间和空间。
在我小的时候，父母除了一些规定的事外，绝对不干涉我们，给我们的时间就彻底由我们自己支配。小时候我不明白父母为什么这么做，随着年龄的增长，我终于明白了父母的良苦用心，他们这样做对我们的成长是非常有意义的。在自己自由支配的时间里，没有任何压力，我们可以按照自己的想法尽情地展示自己，做自己喜欢做的事。只有那时，才能体现自己真正的个性。
爱丽丝、彼得、南希的思考方式、喜欢做的事情、处理事情的方法各不相同。小时候我就给了他们充分的自由时间。没有别人的干涉，在自己的时间和空间里可以自由地思考，这培养了他们自己的性格。
白天大家一起听的音乐，他们回到自己的房间后会自觉地再听一遍，这样他们的理解就会更加深刻。画画的时候，他们会用画笔描绘自己的未来。通过涂鸦似的乱画、编织东西，他们对自己喜欢的颜色和形象有了更新的知识。
随着年龄的增长，孩子们的学习任务越来越重，时间也越来越紧张。但是，越是这样的时候，我给孩子们自由的时间就越多。因为孩子需要自己考虑的问题也越来越多。
妈妈们总津津乐道于那些学习起来废寝忘食的孩子，对这样的孩子总是赞不绝口。真的有这样的孩子吗？大概学习好、听话的孩子会这样。但是将所有时间都花费在课本上的孩子，就失去了在自由时间发现自我的机会。
我相信在给孩子的自由时间里，孩子们会选择自己奋斗的方向。自由时间越多，孩子越能明白自己应该做什么。
彼得小时候总喜欢拆东西。上高中时，他在全国科学大会上获得了发明奖，这都是因为我给了他充足的思考时间，让他找到了自己的特长。如果只是一味地督促彼得学习功课，不要浪费时间，恐怕连彼得自己都不会发现自己有那方面的才能吧。
韩国的妈妈们都有奇怪的强迫症，他们希望孩子不停地学习，从早到晚跟在孩子们后面，每一件事都要指指点点。为了能超过同龄的孩子，妈妈们把自己的孩子像牛一样，在各个培训学校之间赶来赶去。
妈妈无法忍受孩子有空闲的时候。孩子失去了仰望蓝天，享受阳光的快乐，甚至学习的时候，笔一停都要招来妈妈的批评。这些妈妈们根本不知道在教育孩子的时候，给他们自己思考的时间是多么重要。
孩子们在这样的环境下成长，不用说树立自己的个性、培养自己的才能了，恐怕连休息的时间都不够吧。处在这种没有喘息之机的生活中，孩子们早就已经疲惫不堪了。没有自己思考的时间，就不会有发展的机会。
不只如此，总是处在妈妈的监视之下，孩子会变得做事畏手畏脚，对世界有着极端的看法。
孩子需要自己进行思考，塑造自己。只有给了孩子适当自由的时间，孩子才能拥有更大的创造性。父母不能剥夺孩子的自由，更不能去强加管制。无论谁都有决定自己人生的权利。
如果真的为孩子的人生担心，就要给他们属于自己的时间。给他们一个没有任何人干涉，可以自己思考、享受、塑造自己的世界。
☆不要埋怨丈夫
在抚养孩子的过程中妈妈经常会有力不从心的感觉，这并不是妈妈的能力不够。在教育孩子的过程中妈妈要承担多种角色：孩子的朋友、避风的港湾、生活的顾问……在这一过程中，肯定会有角色冲突的时候，而且妈妈总希望孩子能够按照自己的愿望成长。
在教育孩子的时候，我也会经常感到心有余而力不足。正是在丈夫的帮助下，我才最终出色地履行了为人母的职责。丈夫在孩子们面前是力量的象征，像一面坚固的盾牌一样保护着孩子。当我因为孩子的问题而无所适从的时候，丈夫就像指南针一样给我指明了方向。
我和丈夫还有孩子们构成了一个三角结构，在孩子成长的过程中始终可以维持着一种平衡。就是在这种情况下，孩子们顺利地度过了被称为“叛逆时期”的青春期，逐渐长大成人。
很多妈妈感到养育孩子非常困难，我经常对这些妈妈说：“要在孩子面前树立爸爸的威信，爸爸是处理你和孩子关系的一张重要王牌。”
但遗憾的是，在韩国社会教育孩子的问题上，爸爸越来越显得微不足道了。最近的一个调查显示，爸爸和子女在一起的时间，1天平均不到1个小时。在参与调查的爸爸中，大部分人没有尽到做父亲的责任。他们的主要理由是：“和孩子在一起的时间太少了(43.5%)。”在孩子成长的过程中，爸爸一直忙于工作，和孩子见面的时间都没有，这对孩子的成长极其不利。
没有时间和孩子在一起，就不能尽到父亲的责任吗？孩子如果有一个忙碌的爸爸，就只能在缺少父爱的情况下成长吗？
我的丈夫可以说是一名一线工作人员，一年365天中有280天在外面参加学术会、报告会和演讲。在家里，小到在墙上钉个钉子，大到修理家用电器这些本应由丈夫来做的事，大部分都由我来做。孩子和爸爸在一起交流对话几乎是不可能的。
但是，在孩子幼年的时候，并没有感觉到父亲是个“局外人”。虽然孩子们总也看不到爸爸，但我总是跟他们说爸爸是个怎样的人。我总是努力在孩子们心中树立起爸爸的地位。从这一点上我完全可以自豪地说我是一个贤妻良母。
绝对不能让孩子们看到父母争吵的样子
在蜜月旅行的最后一天，丈夫对我说：“对不起，明天你自己回家吧，我还要参加一个重要的学术讨论会。”
虽然有点不愉快，但是有什么办法呢，毕竟是因为工作。最后，我还是自己拖着沉重的行李回到了还有三个孩子等待我的新家。
和孩子们在一起的第一个晚上，突然从彼得的房间里传来了痛苦的叫声，我急忙跑到了彼得的房间，看到彼得正痛苦地在床上滚来滚去。我顿时手足无措愣在了那里。这时爱丽丝走了过来对我说：“彼得从小时候就经常这样，没什么大事。”
听了爱丽丝的话，我才从慌乱中清醒过来，赶紧给医院打电话，然后一边安慰孩子，一边像没头苍蝇似的跑上跑下，不知不觉天已经亮了。
忙了一晚上后，我委屈地掉下了眼泪。
但是，这只是个开始。丈夫不在家时，家里所有的活都是我来做。在墙上钉钉子这种小事就不提了，最费劲的就是修整院子里的草地。要把齐膝高的荒草修整成平整的草坪，我必须一个人从屋里把到我胸口高的割草机拖到院子里去。
有一天，丈夫又出差了，我需要把割草机拖到院子里去。但是那天我非常疲惫，无论如何也搬不动那个沉重的割草机。我家院子里还有几处小坡道，在搬的时候如果一不留神就会连人带机器一起滚下去。于是我就找了一条长绳子，一头拴在树上一头牢牢地拴在自己的腰上。
我一个人在院子里割了半天草，正想喘口气，门铃响了。是丈夫回来了，他带着坦然的表情，走进院子里来，我一看到丈夫顿时火冒三丈。
“我怎么这么苦命呀！你什么都不管，是不是把我当成家庭主妇了……”
当我要把长时间以来的积郁一下子爆发出来的时候，孩子们全都跑了出来，他们亲热地喊着：“爸爸回来了！”
我立刻把丈夫的衣架递给了他，然后静静地走开了。虽然锪艘欢亲拥奈且蛭⒆用窃诔。晕也荒芎驼煞蚍⒒穑也荒苋煤⒆用强吹礁改刚场８a⒆拥母改付贾篮⒆佑惺焙蛎舾械昧钊顺跃Ｍ蛞坏笔蔽液驼煞虺称鹄矗岫院⒆釉斐杉涠窳拥挠跋臁?/p>
大部分孩子本能地和妈妈更亲近一些。因为在他们的印象里，总是妈妈在满足他们的要求，所以他们更偏向妈妈一点。如果妈妈在他们的爸爸面前大声吵闹，十有八九他们会对爸爸产生坏印象。他们可能会想“爸爸让亲爱的妈妈生气了，他是我们家的坏人。”
从那之后，我从不在孩子面前和丈夫大声说话。即使我们之间有问题，也会在孩子不在场的情况下解决，而且我在发完脾气后，通过和丈夫平静地交谈解决问题。
有的妈妈和丈夫吵架后，总是这样问孩子：“你站在妈妈这边？还是站在爸爸那边？”
如果孩子回答“站在妈妈这边”，妈妈心里会得到很大安慰。我奉劝这样的妈妈赶紧放弃这样的做法。因为，这一瞬间，会使丈夫在孩子们的心目中留下很不好的印象。
不要干涉丈夫与孩子之间的关系
在美国结婚几年后，我非常想念在韩国的父母。那时候正好论文已经完成，我还有些空闲时间。我很担心如果回韩国，会没人照料孩子，但是，我不知道以后还会不会有这样的机会了，于是下定决心回了一次韩国。
回到了朝思暮想的祖国，但是没过几天，我的心里就开始不踏实了，总是想起我在美国收拾行李时孩子们对我依依不舍的情景。还是母亲了解我，她对我说：“你现在也是母亲了，孩子们离不开你。”她督促我尽早回美国，尽早回到孩子们身边。
最后，我比预期行程提前了几天回到美国。一看到我，孩子们就兴高采烈地跑了过来，我感到十分满足，赶快打开了皮箱，给他们分发礼物。
彼得在拿到礼物后表情有些奇怪，给彼得的礼物是一件黄色的裤子。我觉得这条裤子非常适合穿着讲究的彼得，就给他买了两条。看来，彼得似乎不太满意。这时，丈夫看到了彼得不太高兴的样子。
“彼得，妈妈特意给你买的，你怎么这种表情？”
彼得一句话也没说。
"Don't you like it?"
彼得还是没有回答。于是丈夫把彼得叫到了书房。我有些担心，在书房门口偷偷地听着他们的对话。
“韩国是离这里很远的地方。妈妈在那么远的地方给你带来的礼物，你应该拒绝吗？为了妈妈，你也要高高兴兴地把裤子穿上。”
“爸爸，你这是在强迫我。穿什么样的衣服是我自己的事，我觉得爸爸不能要求我必须做什么，而且我的朋友中，也没有穿黄色裤子上学的。”
这样的对话一直持续到凌晨4点钟。丈夫认为孩子无视妈妈的诚意是错误的，而彼得则认为不能强迫他穿不喜欢的衣服。
丈夫的话没有错，作为一名教师，我也很理解彼得的心理。但是，我没有向他们说出我的看法，也没有参与他们的对话。当然第二天我会跟丈夫进行交流。
最近，我感觉在韩国家庭里，妈妈的口气越来越强硬。只要是和孩子有关的事情，都由妈妈来决定。如果爸爸稍微想插一句话，妈妈总是会说：“你整天在外面，知道什么？”
在韩国的幼儿园里，如果问孩子们：“爸爸是什么人？”大部分孩子回答：“挣钱给妈妈的人。”在孩子们的印象里，买玩具时，大多数情况下是爸爸站在一边看着妈妈掏钱。
随着时间的推移，孩子会将爸爸彻底从自己的生活中排除出去。即使自己有什么事情第一个念头就是“只有妈妈才能解决”。
出现这种结果，都是受妈妈的影响。而且这也无异于失去了一个教育孩子的重要帮手。当妈妈与孩子之间出现问题时，连一个可以从中调节的人都没有了。
在抚养孩子的过程中，为了不失去爸爸这个“帮手”，在孩子面前，我总是对丈夫保持谦让。就是在给孩子一个小礼物时，我也一定要事先跟丈夫说一声。
在孩子与丈夫很少见面的情况下，一定要采取一定的措施维持丈夫在孩子们心中的地位。在抚养孩子的过程中，不要总埋怨丈夫对自己没有帮助。对丈夫要理解与忍让，这样对家庭的和谐才有好处。
塑造丈夫在孩子们心中的地位
由于丈夫的公务繁忙，从孩子们小时候到现在，我们全家没有一起去旅游过。不用说全家一起去旅游，就是在节假日的时候，丈夫也很少和孩子们在一起。
丈夫每次过节的时候几乎都不在家，并不是因为要参加学术会或者其他什么公事。每年的圣诞节、感恩节、春节的时候丈夫总是自己回他的父母家。起初，我以为丈夫不愿意全家五口人一起回去是为了省路费。但是丈夫却有他的想法：“我的父母虽然人很好，但是，我还暂时不想让你和孩子们跟他们见面。如果你经常和他们见面，他们就会干涉你教育孩子。如果我的父母代替你去教育孩子，这样不利于孩子们的成长。”
丈夫的话不免有些杞人忧天，但是他的确是为了孩子们的将来着想的，所以我并没有反对，也没有显出一点不高兴。
可是孩子们却不这样想。孩子们不明白，为什么一到过节的时候，总是见不到父亲。
“为什么每次过节爸爸都不在家呢？平时总不在家，连过节的时候也不和我们一起度过。”
没有爸爸的圣诞节、没有爸爸的复活节、没有爸爸的新年，每到这个时候，孩子们总是将心中的不满一下子爆发出来。看到孩子们这样，我也总是后悔让丈夫一个人去他的父母那里。
但是，我绝对不能让孩子看出我有这种想法，我总是耐心地向他们解释爸爸不能和我们一起过节的原因。
“你们很爱爸爸妈妈是吗？同样的，你的爸爸也很爱你们的爷爷奶奶。如果我们全家都去爷爷奶奶家会花很多钱，所以只能爸爸一个人去。这不是爸爸的错。爸爸也很遗憾不能带大家一起去。”
爸爸和孩子的关系与妈妈和孩子的关系有所不同，如果稍微有点误会，就很难消除。爸爸和孩子们在一起的时间相对较少，产生误会后，圆满解决的机会也就比较少，最好的方法就是避免出现误会。在孩子们对父亲十分不满时，我不能在他们面前发丈夫的牢骚，而是应该让他们明白爸爸是不得已的。
在多次的解释之后，孩子们不再埋怨爸爸了。在节日快结束的时候，他们总是一起欢迎爸爸的归来，而丈夫总是带着一副又抱歉又感激的神情回到我们身边。
如果希望爸爸在孩子们心中树立起威信，那就要不断地向孩子们解释爸爸的处境。妈妈的解释，可以消除孩子和父亲之间的隔阂。