Chapter 3 Chapter 1 Good Parents Make Good Children

☆I am not an expert in educating children I am a mother of three children.My husband and I met when we were studying in the United States. His ex-wife left him three children, so I became the mother of three children as soon as we got married.I didn't know anything about family life at the time and had to learn how to be a good mom while doing my homework. During the period from 20 to 30 years old, my life was like a war, and I lived very hard.Fortunately, the hard work was not in vain, and the children grew up healthy and happy as expected. The eldest daughter, Alice, was a good child with good character and learning since she was a child, and later graduated from Harvard Law School.Son Peter studied economics at Yale University, and later completed his studies at Harvard Business School with a top grade.The youngest daughter, Nancy, entered Yale University at the age of 16. She was the youngest student who entered Yale University in the same year.Both daughters are now working as international lawyers at the prestigious US Chamber of Law (Nancy is on maternity leave).As an outstanding entrepreneur, his son Peter is busy with his thriving business in Manhattan, New York.

Three children are so good that one would think that I must have some secret to raising children.People who meet me usually ask me how to send their children to Harvard or Yale University. Some people even ask me what principles should be followed when educating children and what education methods should be adopted for children of different ages. However, in fact, these questions made me very embarrassed, and I can only say sorry to them.Looking back on every moment I spent with my children, I can't think of any particular parenting method that would have satisfied these parents, despite their zeal for it.

When I was taking care of my family and studying at the same time, I didn't even have time to read some books about raising children like ordinary parents.Faced with so many parenting theories and educational methods, I really dare not expect to have time to read them.But in retrospect, fortunately there was no time to study these so-called educational theories and methods. Not long ago, when I passed a large bookstore in the city, I saw many young mothers scrambling to read a book, and out of curiosity, I also stepped forward to grab one.The title of this book is "Must Read for Parents". When I opened the book, I saw this passage:

"Babies' brains are already quite developed after 3 months of birth. How parents educate them during this period is directly related to the level of children's intelligence. In order to make children have a smart brain, parents should adopt scientific methods to develop it." These books that parents must read have a set of theories on how to develop children's brains. They teach you in detail how to cultivate children; Children become wiser. Of course, in the process of raising children, there is nothing wrong with referring to some information or educational theory.Because most young couples do not live with their parents nowadays, for some first-time mothers and inexperienced mothers, the parenting theory taught in books has undoubtedly brought them a glimmer of light.

But the irony is that the more educational theories and methods you accept, the more at a loss when educating children.When you follow the so-called educational methods to teach children what to do and what not to do, it often makes children rebellious.In the face of children's resistance, you can't help but doubt whether this education method is correct; if you don't follow these methods, you will feel uneasy, worrying whether your child will fall behind others... I think, as a parent, you should Avoid getting caught in this vicious circle. Don't blindly follow the theory "Educate in stages according to the developmental process of children at different ages."

Most parents will feel a kind of treasure when they read this sentence.Especially when they find out that every age group of children should have corresponding teaching tools, they will decide that this is the correct way to educate children. M Company, which specializes in early childhood education, claims that every child has unlimited potential. Their early childhood education theory is as follows: "Early childhood is a very important stage in a person's life. The development of a child's potential determines the level of his future learning ability. The teaching tools made according to the characteristics and development status of Korean children can be aimed at each child's age group education."

Company P, which is also known as the duo in the field of early childhood education with Company M, also has a similar proposition: "Children's future depends on creativity. According to research, 30 out of 100 children who undergo early intellectual development eventually become elites. The company has created a set of cognitive education theories through clinical trials, according to each different developmental stage. children to be educated accordingly.” Both the early childhood education theories of M Company and P Company are based on the educational theory of foreign children experts, which advocates to carry out staged education starting from infants and young children on a monthly basis.Children's education is subdivided into several aspects such as language, mathematics, and exploration.

Half a century ago, when there were no such so-called theories, children's education was only regarded as a part of life.In the process of raising children, if there are any problems or doubts, parents will generally ask the child's grandpa, grandma, aunt, aunt or neighbors with rich life experience for advice. When people walked out of the shadow of the Korean War, a baby boom in South Korea ushered in.Young parents brought their newborn children to the big cities one after another, and the old family life model naturally disintegrated.Facing their newborn children, these young parents have no one to ask for advice.Therefore, those so-called educational theories that have been studied and tested for a long time naturally replaced the precepts and deeds of the older generation.

These theories have been researched and tested over the years and finally accepted by parents as a correct approach.According to these theories, the uneasiness that once arose from not knowing how to raise a child was somehow alleviated.Now, because they are so easy to understand and easy to use, they are a lifesaver for unprepared young parents.However, all this has buried hidden dangers for the growth of children. In Greek mythology, there is a story about "The Bed of Procrustes".The notorious monster Procrutus used his bed to kill passing travelers.At first he seemed to be a kind host, and he invited all the people who passed by here to relax his tired body.But when the guests fell asleep, Procrustes began to torment them.He required that the figure of the guest must fit the size of the bed. If the guest's legs or feet were on the edge of the bed, he would cut them off; if the guest was too short, he would stretch the guest until he tortured the guest to death.

Parents are convinced that "no matter who works hard, things can be done well".However, every child has its own characteristics.Some children may not succeed even if they work hard, and some children are born with stubborn personalities.Some parents don't have their own opinions, but blindly copy the so-called theories, and accidentally put their beloved children on the "Procrustus' bed" they designed. During my life in the United States, I planted many flowers and trees in my yard.However, I found that the same seed planted in the same soil produced different seedlings.But no matter what kind of seed, it is possible to survive only when the seedling grows to a certain height. If the seedling cannot reach this height, it will lose the opportunity to continue growing.Seeds that take root in a good location will grow faster than other seeds.For the same tree, some branches have many branches, and the redundant branches need to be cut off when trimming; while some trees have few branches, which just keep growing upwards, and the top buds should be cut off as much as possible when trimming, so as to promote the horizontal development of the branches and leaves .In addition, the same standard cannot be adopted for fertilization, and it needs to be treated separately according to the growth speed and growth state of flowers, plants and trees.Planting flowers and trees still requires care and trimming according to the specific conditions of each plant, let alone educating people?Therefore, when educating children, you must not apply existing theories in general, and you must teach students in accordance with their aptitude and vary from person to person.

My three children had an unremarkable childhood, and like most children, they had an ordinary childhood.However, their personalities are very different.Alice has a lively personality and has leadership skills, but lacks artistic cells; Peter is introverted, but good at manipulating machines, and is very talented in the field of science; Nancy has outstanding artistic sense, calligraphy and logical thinking are unique. The characteristics of the three children are different, so I naturally have to teach them in accordance with their aptitude when educating them.As a mother, every moment requires calm judgment and strong will. I don't think I follow any theoretical principles when educating my children, but rely on the inherent nature and intuition of a mother.Of course, this is not a total negation of some general theories, and it is not a bad thing to learn some knowledge applicable to your own situation from these theories.However, parents who study these theories must have their own set of methods.That is to say, while learning from other people's experience, you must have a certain degree of judgment to distinguish which content is applicable to your own children and which content is not applicable to your own children. Be aware of changes in your child "Peter was born before the full term of pregnancy. He was a premature baby. He reacted a little slower than other children. You must be patient with him." This is what my husband told me after we got married.At that time, Peter was just in elementary school, and he was more careful than his elder sister and younger sister in doing things, and he was not very active in whatever he did. But one day, he suddenly lost his temper.This surprised us so much that we took him to the hospital for examination.The doctor's words sounded depressing, and he said that Peter was psychologically traumatized as a child. Since then, I have been very troubled about how to educate Peter.The two daughters have started to change little by little from the subtle living habits according to my idea, and their lives are on the right track, but Peter still can't integrate into it.So I began to wonder if my judgment had gone wrong. After a long period of depression, I began to observe Peter continuously.But what bothers me is that I haven't found a good solution to the problem. Until one day, a small incident in the kitchen changed my opinion of Peter.I was tidying up the dishes in the kitchen, and Peter stood by and watched me seriously.When I took out the tableware from the top of the cupboard, Peter suddenly asked me: "Mom, why do you put the heavy bowls so high? Put the light ones high, and put the heavy bowls out of your reach." Wouldn't it be better to get it somewhere?" How can it be said that he is a child with a congenital deficiency?Isn't his powers of observation very keen? And not long after that, I made another discovery about Peter.Once after school, I saw the children playing some game on the floor of the room attentively. When I asked them what they were doing, they replied that they were playing a game invented by Peter. "Peter, how did you invent this game?" "Mom, you know I like to read science fiction. I read a science fiction novel not long ago. I was inspired by the novel and invented this game. Mom, don't you want to play with us?" My husband is often worried about Peter's immersion in fanciful science fiction, but I have found a different side of Peter. I don't think his reading of science fiction is a worrying thing.In my opinion, Peter is not the kind of child whose mind is full of various ideas, but a child who has more distinct preferences and focuses more on one thing than his peers. So I put aside my husband's concerns about Peter and my preconceived notions.Compared with his peers, Peter has outstanding observation skills, and he can also invent games by himself.He was not a child who developed slower than others, nor was he a child who was psychologically damaged and needed special care. Since then, as long as he does what he thinks, I will give praise.On the other hand, I no longer blindly lock him at home. Whenever I have time, I will take him out and let him listen, see, and do it directly. I choose to do this wherever I go, and it has proven to be the right thing to do.This is also the result of finding another way and not sticking to experience.Doing so gave me an idea of ​​what Peter likes to do and what he is good at. Peter had a high aptitude for the natural sciences, especially mathematics, and this aptitude became more apparent as time went on.When he was in high school, he was a representative of the school to accept the award at the National Science Conference.However, who would believe that 10 years ago, he was still a child who was considered congenitally deficient, needed to make up lessons after school, and was always under the protection of his parents? Believe in your own strength Personally, I don't like Freud's teachings.Because his theory is derived after careful analysis of every human behavior, it will cause psychological pressure.Especially his theories about children, he already had a preconceived notion about children before he came up with the theory. Every behavior of a child in early childhood has its own internal reasons.Whenever talking about what children should do and what not to do, many parents think that every behavior of children should conform to the theory in the book, otherwise it is wrong. Children in the growth stage have different changes every day, and each change contains different characteristics.So, parenting theories and principles as we know them only work to some extent for most kids, but just not for mine.The emergence of theoretical educational methods has great significance.However, if you blindly and rigidly copy it mechanically, it is like forcing a child to wear an unfit dress, and the result will make the child very uncomfortable. For your own children, if you want to find the most suitable educational method, you need to observe the children every day and stay with them for a long time in order to grasp their characteristics, and then create a set of educational methods suitable for your children.Because only the mother really understands what is the child's characteristics, what are his strengths, what are his deficiencies, and what the child likes the most... Until I discovered Peter's traits and trained them, I always had a preconceived idea of ​​Peter as a deficient, retarded, psychologically flawed child.At that time, I knew almost nothing about Peter's characteristics and talents.It is impossible for a mother who knows nothing about her child to create an environment for her child to develop his talents to the fullest. Therefore, I think it is necessary to emphasize again: the method of educating and cultivating children does not come from the so-called educational theory, but from the parents themselves.Only parents know best what kind of environment their children are in, what difficulties they have, what they like, and what they hate. We should not ignore our own strength, let alone give up our views.If you blindly educate your children according to the methods introduced in books and TV, or from others, the result is like feeding bread to a thirsty child, and the bread can only make the child thirstier. I would like to advise those young parents that before listening to other people's educational theories and principles, they should first find their own methods.Before racking your brains to study other people's theories, carefully observe what your own child is doing, and find out the child's characteristics, talents, and preferences through your own eyes. The moment parents see their children, an educational method should immediately appear in their minds, and this educational method will be more suitable for their children than any educational theory in the world.As a parent, if you don't realize that you are an education expert, you will not discover the unlimited talents hidden in your children. ☆Parents must first become good teachers and helpful friends of their children Recently, the term "good teacher and helpful friend" has been widely used in various fields.For example, in order to achieve effective organizational management in enterprises, leaders constantly emphasize the important role of "good teachers and helpful friends".In religious groups, social groups, and state units, many people face various difficulties, and the reason for these difficulties is precisely because there is no good "good teacher and helpful friend."Therefore, leaders at all levels of society now need good "good teachers and helpful friends" to assist them. The "good teachers and helpful friends" mentioned here are trustworthy advisors. The word "mentor" comes from a person named Mentor in Greek mythology.In 1200 B.C., Odysseus, king of Ithaca in ancient Greece, entrusted his only son to his most trusted friend before he went to Troy. The name of that friend was Mentor. Odysseus fought on the battlefield of Troy for 10 years. During these 10 years, Mentor was not only the prince's close mentor and helpful friend, but also assumed the father's responsibility instead of Odysseus. listener.After the war, when Odysseus returned to Ithaca, under Mentor's careful care, the prince had become an outstanding young man. At this time, a good teacher and helpful friend (Ment) has become a symbol of wisdom and trust. He means a guide who guides the direction of life. Children use parents as mirrors as they grow up Influenced by my father, I came to the United States on the other side of the Pacific Ocean to study independently when I was under 20 years old.Fathers understand deeply: It is better to lead by example than to educate children compulsively.The children now understand the father's good intentions in putting money in the basket, and understand the exemplary role played by the father's tireless study.Although my father didn't even say a word of coercion, it is under his subtle influence that we have unconsciously formed a sense of independence. I declared that I would not pay my parents a penny. From the moment I set foot on American soil, it meant that everything in the future would be done by myself. Soon after starting independent life in the United States, I quickly figured out what I needed and how I should do it.Many people are dumbfounded by my strength.For people without willpower, this may be a very difficult thing, but for me, there is no obstacle, all thanks to my father's education and training in my early years. I often study in the library until the early hours of the morning. Sometimes I thought about giving up because I studied too hard, but whenever I think of my father studying late at night, I immediately cheer up. My father's teachings as a kind of memory have always been with me during my study abroad career. In the end, I lived up to my father's high expectations and finally obtained a master's degree.After meeting and marrying my husband, raising children became another challenge in my life. I am always cautious in front of children.My words and deeds may affect what my children will do in the future. Thinking of these, I even break into a cold sweat, because being a mother is quite stressful.However, I also have the opportunity to be rewarded. I am like a bright and clean mirror, reflecting the images of the children; and to cultivate ignorant children into talents, is there anything better than this? To this end, I always adhere to two principles.First of all, no matter what the circumstances, I do not force the children to do anything, but strive to be their role model; secondly, in life, I try my best to do everything well. Like my father, I never forced my children to do anything other than some basic rules of life.And in life, I try to do everything well.I think as long as the children see me working hard, they will become hardworking. During the difficult time, I also thought about giving up. Whenever I encountered such a situation, the innocent smiles of the children always calmed my heart.At that time, I was a professor who taught at the school during the day; I was a housewife and mother at night, and I had to write papers.I gritted my teeth and tried my best to do everything well.Because of the hard work, my health is deteriorating, and I have to be hospitalized once or twice a year. I always lead by example myself before what I want my children to do.I never went out for a drink, and I came home right after get off work to do chores.Just like my father back then, I always studied late in the study. Never force the children to do things, and at the same time work hard for the future life - this is the basic principle of my education of children.The influence of these two principles on children is also gradually reflected in their growth process. When I was studying, they read books together next to me and made a bet to see who would read the most books.Soon, they became well-known "bookworms" in the nearby library.Nancy used typing as a game while I was working on my dissertation, and in the end she typed all my lecture notes.Because she spent the longest time with me, she became the one who read the most. Now that the three children have grown up, whenever they think back to their childhood, they will feel that studying was not a task for them, let alone a burden, but a part of daily life just like eating and sleeping .Every night, when they see their mother sitting silently at the desk reading a book, they will also consciously study.Just as I grew up under my father's subtle influence, they also grew up under my subtle influence.In the process of children's growth, parents are like a mirror. Parents are the first role models for their children Every child has unlimited talents, and every parent also has his own set of education methods, which have nothing to do with the parents' education and economic conditions. I am very concerned about our society now, and the society our children will live in in the future.While we shout about the importance of role models, we fail to realize that parents are the real role models for children. Before the child's mind is stable, the child spends far more time in school than with the mother, and before the child is shown the correct attitude towards life, how can he be forced to succeed and surpass others?Many mothers do not feel confident when it comes to raising their children because the times and conditions we live in make mothers insecure. Whether it is thousands of years ago, now, or in the future, it is an indisputable fact that the methods of educating children actually exist in the hearts of parents.Children surround their parents all day long, and the first role models they learn are their parents.Even the way a father reads the newspaper after waking up in the morning will leave an indelible mark on the child's mind. When parents tell their children the importance of learning and explain the right and wrong, how many children can understand and really abide by it?If the child can accept it, it is a very lucky thing, but it is not easy for an eight or nine-year-old child to accept. Instead of persuading the child with earnest efforts, it is better for the mother to set an example for the child and let the child experience the mother's good intentions. As a mother, you should not only consider what your child should do to grow up, but also what you should do to be a role model for your child. ☆The meaning of mother in life Nancy was admitted to Yale University as the youngest candidate, specializing in law and eventually became an international lawyer.But now she's giving up her career at its peak to raise her two children.Considering her hard-won academic and work achievements, I advise her to think carefully.She smiled and replied, "Didn't my mother do the same thing back then? Thanks to my mother, I have grown up healthily. Now that I have children, I am also responsible for them. I will never regret my choice." America does not stifle creativity Every mother hopes that her children are smart, lively and cheerful, so that they can freely realize their dreams in the future.Unfortunately, Korean education cannot meet the wishes of mothers. I know a mother who yelled every day after her child went to elementary school that she could no longer live in Korea. She said that if she saved enough money one day, she would emigrate overseas with her child. When it comes to educating children, the country that hard-working mothers most yearn for is the United States.Having lived in the United States for over 50 years, I understand the thinking of these mothers very well.American-style education is far-sighted, and educators are always researching how to help children grow better and how to stimulate children's potential... However, in the process of the United States becoming a developed country in education, there was such a fact: in the 1970s, a "Back to the Basic" movement to establish a legal country was launched across the United States. It is derived from the "freedom" advertised by the United States. When we think of America, what is the first thing we think of?People who come to the United States for the first time may be most impressed by the scantily clad women strolling in the city center.Here we can witness with our own eyes how Americans enjoy personal freedom. Their freedom is close to indulgence, which makes us feel embarrassed to see it. However, what we see is only a partial part. Although there are huge differences between American culture and ours, this is not all of them. Before entering modern society, the United States can be called a country of the supremacy of freedom.Americans will never allow anything to interfere with their private lives, and they enjoy this freedom to the fullest.But, like a puddle of water, American liberalism has rotted over time. It was the time of the Vietnam War, and the treachery of the US government reawakened the vigilance and suspicion among people, and gradually turned into indulgence and depravity.The idea of ​​freedom and equality that supported society before has also gone off track.There are many idle hippies on the street, and many people even openly smoke marijuana on the street. This leads to a more serious problem - children have also taken to the streets.As time went by, the age of those who took to the streets became younger and younger, and finally even elementary school students began to wander the streets at night.Children can't tell the line between freedom and indulgence, self-reliance and infidelity. The children who took to the streets said: They can't learn anything in boring schools, and they want to live a more creative and free life. In front of the children who are like wild horses, public education looks so pale and weak.Parents of children cannot guide children with confused values ​​in the right direction. Even so, the U.S. government still did not take any measures, just waiting and hoping that the situation would improve by itself.The United States, which has always advertised "freedom and dreams", still wants to leave the last bit of dignity for its slogan. However, the situation has deteriorated further, and juvenile delinquency has become a serious social problem.Some people even say that even walking on the streets of New York at night is in danger of losing your life. The situation has developed to the point of no return, and the government finally stepped forward and began to clean up the mess.Because the growth of children is related to the foundation of the future of the United States, the government shouted slogans to save the situation.Therefore, "back to basics" has become the embryonic form of American education in the 21st century. American education is like two sides of a coin Facing the chaotic education situation, the US government first announced the restoration of normal public education.In the past, many experts only focused on the cultivation of children's self-discipline and creativity; now, they are also beginning to realize the importance of basic quality education, because everything is possible only if the foundation is laid. The US government first took mandatory measures to require children to learn basic courses.If you don't go to school, you can't be promoted even if you have the best test scores; if a student's attendance rate is too low, the school has the right to force the student to transfer to a special school without the consent of the student's parents. The government's policy quickly paid off.Parents also agree with the government's approach, because they also realize that it is only after the foundation is laid that it is possible to talk about freedom, self-reliance and creativity.In this way, after more than 30 years of development, American education has developed to where it is today. The lights in the Harvard and Yale libraries were always on all night.Students study consciously day and night, and only relax their nervous brains on weekends.But no one asks students to do this, and every student here is enjoying the freedom given by the school.They feel the enrichment brought by learning and enjoy the freedom hidden in basic education. Through the introduction of newspapers and magazines, people seem to feel that American education is quite free: classes are like seminars, learning is like playing games, and students wear fancy clothes... But in fact, these are just superficial phenomena. The New York School of Visual Arts is the most famous private art school in the United States, but here we do not feel the free teaching atmosphere that stimulates creativity as imagined, but more about the strict training of students' basic qualities. Students of the New York School of Visual Arts must arrive at school at 7:00 every morning, and after about an hour of self-study, they begin to attend lectures at 8:00.The teaching method here is very strict. During the day, except for a short break, the students spend most of the time standing and drawing.The academy wants to let everyone experience the life of a painter and the fierce competition they will face in the future through this kind of study. After the one-day class ends at 9:00 pm, the college will also invite famous professors from other famous universities to give lectures to the students.After all this was over, it was past 11 o'clock in the middle of the night, and students living in other places could not go home because they missed the time of the last bus.So they stayed in the college to continue their studies, and then slept for a few hours in the school dormitory to prepare for the next day's class. The painter in charge of tutoring students in the college said: "Self-study alone can't lay a good foundation, and if you don't lay a good foundation, you can't talk about future success. The strict teaching method is to lay a good foundation for stimulating children's creativity. We are responsible for this I have no doubts about it, and this is also a lesson learned after paying a huge price." From their words, we can recognize the two sides of American education.Americans respect freedom and creativity that reflect children's individual abilities, but at the same time lay a solid foundation for children. This is their educational philosophy. We often think, wouldn't it be better if children were given more freedom like American families?But in fact, middle-class families in the United States have almost conservative control over their children.Parents should intervene in every detail of their children's living habits, friendships, and learning attitudes.They do this precisely to give their children a good foundation for learning, and this has been a common family culture in the United States for a long time. Creativity is impossible without a foundation Most of the mothers in South Korea now belong to the generation bound by the so-called traditional education.Many of them were buried in their talents and did not realize their dreams.So they believe that children must not repeat their own mistakes, and if children want to do something, let them do it freely. Therefore, while they are committed to their children's early education, they must give their children full freedom.In order to educate their children, these mothers really take great pains, because they don't want their children to become victims of traditional education like themselves. Many mothers complained: "When I was a child, I sat at a desk all day long and memorized books. The study was boring to death. I really don't understand why the teacher forced us to learn those boring homework." Recently, many schools in South Korea have adopted new teaching methods that can stimulate creativity, which is exactly what mothers think.Breaking away from traditional education and realizing truly humanized education is a good thing for children's growth. But the problem is that some mothers now ignore the importance of basic education because they have too much resistance to traditional education in the past.In those days, American education blindly emphasized creativity and implemented open education without laying a solid foundation. As a result, the reality ran counter to the ideal. Like those mothers, I also received a traditional education.Before studying in the United States, I was also lying on the table all day, doing long and tiresome reading, reciting, and writing.But is this kind of education really useless?I think it is this kind of traditional education that has laid a solid foundation for me, enabling me to persevere and control my life no matter what kind of environment I am in. Today's mothers completely deny the role of repeated reciting and repeated practice without thinking, but they have not seriously thought about whether there is room for improvement in this educational method.In this way of education, do children really learn nothing?How should we lay the foundation for our children? 在我们一边高喊自律、激发创造力、进行感性教育、废除校服制度的同时，美国的名牌大学则又纷纷让学生穿上了统一式样的校服。他们认为男女同校制度也存在很大问题，以纽约的学校为中心，许多学校开始实行男女学生分开教育。小学和初、高中课程内容之繁多，甚至不亚于大学的课程内容。美国人现在更重视通过艰苦的训练为孩子打下坚实的基础。 有趣的是，我们的邻国日本也经历着和美国相同的遭遇。过去，日本将美国文化一股脑地全盘吸收，结果在教育方面也陷入了困境。孩子们陶醉于颓废的流行音乐之中，街头到处都是穿着奇装异服、头发五颜六色的青少年。 但是，现在日本已经认识到了自己的问题。日本人将美国的教育当作一面镜子，建立起自己的新教育制度，在重视创造力和自立的同时更强调打好坚实基础。 每当我看到韩国的母亲们时，总是很担心。我希望她们不要只看到硬币的正面却忽视了背面，不要总是追随别人的步伐走路。 现在，韩国的孩子处于一种什么样的状态呢？他们无视学习，甘愿去街上当暴走族，书包里装的不是课本，而是香烟和化妆品，而这还只是冰山一角。现在的孩子不肯吃苦，稍微辛苦一点他们就会大发雷霆，遇到困难就选择逃避。越来越多的孩子空有理想却很少付诸实践，有的孩子甚至连理想都没有。 播种之前先开垦出肥沃的土地 忘记了是什么时候，曾经有一位母亲问过我关于美国创造力教育的问题。她是这样问的：“创造力教育是非常必要的。孩子待在家里的能够真正静下心来背诵和写作吗？他们坐在书桌前注意力到底能集中几分钟呢？” 我做事情的时候，总是首先理清做事的顺序，按照重要且紧急、重要但不紧急、既不重要又不紧急的顺序将应该处理的事情进行分类，然后再按照轻重缓急去处理。这样一来，无论遇到什么事情，我都会用最短的时间进行有效的处理。我之所以能够在母亲、学者、主妇等不同的身份变换中游刃有余，就是因为掌握了这个要领。 教育孩子也是同样的道理。母亲的责任就是要分清对孩子来说什么事情是既重要又紧急的。虽然帮助孩子制定学习计划、教他们各种本领(当然也包括创造力和EQ)是相当重要的事，但这并不是最紧急的事。对孩子来说，最重要而且最紧急的事情是学好基础知识，如果没有打好基础，其他的教育很可能会起到反作用。 其实，这和种地有异曲同工之妙。想要种子茁壮成长，选择优良的品种及使用优质的肥料是非常重要的，但如果不先把土地开垦好，那恐怕再好的种子、再优质的肥料也不会结出丰硕的果实吧。总之，不管做什么事情，最关键的就是打好基础。 我相信，爱丽丝、彼得和南希之所以能够发挥自己的才能，实现自己的梦想，是因为我帮他们开垦出了一块可以施展才华的土地。 我的孩子们从来没有接受过个别教育。他们只是坐在椅子上认真学习，自己去完成功课，遇到问题时，也会绞尽脑汁去寻找答案。我想，正是这些最基础的素质教育，帮助他们在日后取得了骄人的成绩。 我想对那些急于让孩子发挥创造力、自由实现梦想的母亲说一句话，那就是：“先打好基础，再谈其他！” 没有牢固基础，我们就无法从孩子那里得到任何希望。这就如同我们无法期待荒芜的土地上长出绿油油的庄稼一样。 ☆从日本没落的教育吸取教训 不久前，我接到一个从日本打来的电话。 “老师，您还记得我吗？我是您在日本时所教的学生×××的妈妈，您还记得我的孩子吗？” 我努力在记忆中搜索着，很快，一张清晰的脸浮现在了我的脑海中。 在日本生活期间，曾经有人委托我负责一所学校的管理事务。由于已经从教育一线退下来很久，所以我决定先考察一下再做决定。不过很快，这所学校就引起了我的兴趣，因为这里的学生非常特殊，他们不是经受过高考落榜的打击，就是由于种种原因而没有进入正规学校。他们在这所学校里做留学的前期准备，他们都准备去美国留学。这一次，已经年过半百的我再次站到了教育的第一线，我非常重视和珍惜这份工作，因为它可以给经受过失败的孩子们再来一次的机会。 但是，事情并不是想象中那样简单。这些孩子为了考上大学，被迫学习他们不喜欢的东西，费尽心思但最后还是不得不接受失败的结果，他们不知今后何去何从，心中充满沮丧和迷惘。照料这样的孩子真不是一件容易的事啊。 在枯燥的学校里，孩子们像鹦鹉学舌一样接受着教育，已经筋疲力尽的孩子们早就丢掉了他们的梦想。失败的经历使他们心中羞愧不安，而且对周围的人充满了戒备，他们默默忍受着失败带来的心灵创伤。 其中有一个报考一流大学落榜的孩子，内心的压抑和心灵的创伤使他关闭了心灵之门。而且，因为父母的离异，他甚至找不到可以倾诉衷肠的对象。但是，我看得出，这个孩子身上还有重新找回自信的希望。于是我抛开师生的身份，开始像对待自己的孩子一样和他谈心。他渐渐地敞开了心扉、恢复了自信、找回了梦想、重整旗鼓又投入到热火朝天的学习中来了，最后，他终于踏上了赴美留学的道路。 这已经是十几年前的事了，真不知道这位母亲从哪里得到了我的电话。她告诉我现在孩子已经结束了在美国的学业，并且回到了日本。在日本泡沫经济大崩溃的恶劣条件下，他被一家外国著名银行录用，可以说有个不错的前途。他的母亲表示这都是我当年耐心教导的结果，并再三向我表示感谢。 作为一名教育工作者，在这一瞬间我感到无比自豪。但在欣慰之余，我又为那些没能重新振奋起来的孩子们感到惋惜。尽管有的孩子克服了众多社会上的偏见，实现了再次飞跃的梦想。但是，还有很多孩子将自己封闭起来，与教育制度的格格不入以及由此带来的挫折使他们过早地放弃了自己的梦想。 使孩子染上了“一流病” 乔治?奥威尔在小说中这样描写道：一切都要按照政府的规定去做，绝对不允许有个人的思想，因为这会妨碍统一规划的社会；因此，可以唤起个人思想的读书、写日记等学习行为被彻底禁止。 1984年已经过去，乔治?奥威尔小说中所描述的那种集权社会并未降临到我们身边，我们可以松一口气了。但是看看我们现在的教育状况，真的很担心那个令人恐怖的社会会在将来的某一天出现在我们的生活中。 如今，年迈的我依然坚持每天读报纸和看电视，每当在报纸或电视中看到韩国父母和他们孩子的生活状况时，我总会全身泛起一阵凉意，这跟我数十年前在日本亲眼目睹的父母和孩子的情形实在太相似了。 不久前，听朋友讲了一个故事：一个从小就很聪明伶俐的孩子因为拗不过父母，被迫进了一所所谓的一流医科大学。 然而这个孩子十分厌恶这种用刀割开皮肉，再用针缝上的令人毛骨悚然的工作，但另一方面他又不能违背父母的心愿。父母最大的心愿就是希望他从名牌医科大学毕业后，成为一名职业医生。 在这种强逼之下，孩子好不容易完成了学业，这似乎终于可以完成父母的心愿成为一名“有好出路”的职业医生了。但是，他最终没能忍受父母选择的这条不适合自己的道路，脱去了医生制服，改行从事其他职业。学医曾经耗费了他10年的青春时光，但是抛弃那些自己不喜欢的医学知识他没有丝毫的眷恋，他说那10年简直就像生活在地狱。 不知道这算不算是一个极端的例子。坦率地说，我觉得韩国所有的父母都怀有这样的心情，只要能把孩子送到一流的大学，即使倾家荡产也在所不惜。 因此，每次国家对大学入学考试制度进行调整时，总会引起这些父母的强烈不满。因为他们不得不东奔西走、想方设法地去突破新制度的缺口。但是，他们从不考虑这样做会给孩子造成多大的压力？对孩子来说这是不是真正幸福的人生？ 实际上，对考试制度调整异常敏感的人不仅有高考考生的父母，就连幼儿园孩子的父母也会为此感到紧张。政府正在讨论“英才教育法”的消息一经传出，孩子们的父母就像热锅上的蚂蚁一样开始行动起来，好像新的教育法马上就要颁布实施一样。 被夸大其辞的舆论迷惑的年轻妈妈们立刻将孩子送到各种英才教育学校。随之而来的英语、计算机、才艺等名目繁多的培训班的广告如雨后春笋般出现在大街小巷。 但是，结果怎么样呢？由于不堪考试的重压，自杀、放任自流的青少年数量与日俱增，因为怕影响太大，现在连新闻都在限制刊登这类消息了。虽然我没有详细的资料，但是，各大医院精神科病房的学生患者数量在不断增加，就足以证明问题的严重性了。 婴幼儿的状况更加严重。在小儿精神科，即使预约，也要排上6个多月才能看上病。同时还出现了很多新的精神类疾病，事态已经发展到了令人难以置信的地步。 一起寻找孩子喜欢做的事情 在认识到教育存在的问题后，日本人开始谋求教育上的改革。他们将统一僵化的教育改为培养学生才能的教育。为了使学校的教育更具人性化，他们将教学的内容更加专业化。另外，学生可以根据自己的喜好选择学习内容的培训学校也渐渐多了起来。 在韩国，社会各界也开始声讨教育方式中存在的问题，大家纷纷要求学校改革目前落后的教育方式。 但是，这些小变化并不能从根本上撼动韩国的教育制度以及其中存在的问题。单凭《教育法》的几次修改并不能彻底改正几十年来形成的恶习。我认为，改变教育现状应当循序渐进，通过多方面的改革来彻底解决问题。 为了改变韩国落后的教育状况，请孩子的母亲们首先从自我做起吧！我并不清楚什么时候教育问题才能真正得到解决，但我却非常清楚地知道我们不能原地不动地等待，不能别人说什么我们就跟着说什么，而要用自己的头脑思考，去寻找真正对孩子有好处的教育方式。日本教育走了很长一段弯路，其原因就是因为本该成为教育核心的父母，却没有找到自己的位置。 为了孩子的前途，父母首先应当了解孩子希望做什么。我们经常会询问孩子：“你想做什么？”其实，我们并不是为了得到答案而去寻找答案，而是通过提问给孩子制造一个思考的机会，让他们通过思考领悟到自己究竟想做什么。 大概所有的妈妈都有些小瞧自己的孩子。妈妈总觉得孩子一点社会经验都没有，只不过是个年龄尚幼的孩童，还需要妈妈的呵护。假如你是一位妈妈，请千万不要这么想，其实，孩子要比妈妈想象中聪明得多。只是因为妈妈不相信孩子，才将孩子培养成了“妈妈的心肝”、“妈妈的宝贝”。 我很注重培养孩子们的自立意识和独立精神，每当他们放假的时候，我都会把他们赶到外面去。要么去工厂里打工，要么去远足，总之不能待在家里。我对他们只有一点要求：“通过观察和尝试获得经验，然后再用心去体会你所收获的一切。” 这样做对孩子认知自己，培养自己的兴趣有很大帮助。在开放的空间里通过尝试和感觉，孩子们会发现自己善于做什么、喜欢做什么。 爱丽丝通过这一过程，发现自己在辩论和与他人打交道方面有特长，因此她考取了法学院，走上了律师的道路；彼得沉醉于操纵和发明机器，因此他专攻物理；南希对事情的判断很敏锐，在她16岁时，就宣布要成为一名律师。孩子们经过不断的探索与磨炼，最终都找到了适合自己的道路。 当然，孩子们在探索、磨炼的过程中难免会做错事情，或者像我所担心的那样，做出错误的判断。 但是，这又有什么关系呢？当他们认识到自己的错误后，他们将做得更好。如果什么事情都不叫孩子去体验，只教他们一味啃书本，当孩子长大成人后再说：“这个不对”，孩子的思想、行为已经定型，哪里还有改变的余地？ 我认为最好从小就开始培养孩子寻找自己的方向。这样，孩子可以有更多的机会进行选择。与其盲目地追随潮流，费尽心思去琢磨不断变化的教育制度，不如把精力集中到孩子身上。如果妈妈总是跟着潮流摇摆不定，那么孩子也会跟着摇摆不定。 孩子的教育不同于挑选时装，时装可以跟着流行时尚不断更换，但是对孩子的教育方式一旦选定就要使用相当长一段时间，决不可以换来换去。在孩子很小的时候，我们就应该为孩子找到一种适合的教育方式，这种教育方式不一定是最流行的，但它一定是最适合自己孩子的。作为妈妈一定要有这个勇气和能力，这样才不失为一位英明的妈妈。