Chapter 36 Learn to say no so you have time to love your wife

Under what circumstances do we have insufficient psychological resources?Of course, there are too many things, too busy, and there are endless things to deal with. At this time, your mood will easily become bad and easy to get emotional. At this time, you will be less patient with your lover. We can easily see this scenario: A certain man looks good outside, looks like a fish in water, smiles at everyone, and is very patient, but when he comes home, he is impatient with his wife and loses his temper at every turn, which makes the relationship between the two very tense, and he feels unhappy at home.

Many times, this is a kind of anger. Due to work or social problems, people need to show others that they are well-cultivated and qualified. Therefore, even if they are dissatisfied, they will not easily get angry. When they return home , I have accumulated a lot of emotions, and I am exhausted. My home has become a place for me to rest, and my wife has become a trash can for me to vent my dissatisfaction. When you are already too busy and your psychological resources are not enough, it is also a time when you are prone to emotions. If there are still some people or things that come to you, you need to learn to refuse, to protect yourself, so that you have enough energy to deal with the present things, especially to let yourself have the energy to get along patiently with your lover.

First of all, what you have to learn is to refuse other people’s requests for help. Of course, this is not in line with the education we have received since childhood. Our education since childhood is to be willing to help others and to be an enthusiastic and good person. But this is not contradictory. Human energy and physical strength are limited, and psychological resources are also limited. If you have too many things to do at the same time and cannot get a good rest, let alone helping others, even your own things sometimes It will also mess up, and this is also the time when you are most likely to get emotional. If you still accept other people's help at this time, you may be a person who cannot protect yourself.

I once met a woman who was usually very busy, busy with work, family, study, and emotional matters. Almost every weekend and weekday night, she has arranged things, either to participate in social activities, or to meet friends, or to work overtime, and she is in a state of extreme exhaustion all day long. At this time, what she needs most is to rest, but she is still responsive to other people's requests for help. Some friends from other places asked her to help them investigate the market in Beijing, but she still agreed because of face. As a result, for nearly a month, in addition to being busy with her own affairs, she also used the rest time to help her friends investigate the market. During this month, she suffered from severe lack of sleep, and her mood became very bad. A conflict occurred, and even affected the relationship with the leader.

The lady I met, because she didn’t know how to protect herself, she agreed to everything that others entrusted to her, regardless of the depth of friendship between the two parties, and regardless of whether she was exhausted. As a result, she helped others, but in the end it affected her own work. and life. Such a person does not love herself, and such a person is usually not loved by others, so she often encounters emotional setbacks, because for a person who does not even love herself, others will not think that you are A person worthy of love is like a person who does not respect himself, others will not respect him.

We need to learn to protect ourselves. You must know that society is full of people who often cross boundaries. Their self-boundary is not clear, they constantly invade the boundaries of others, get what they need from others, and often leave things that should be done by themselves to others. Do, they think they have a good relationship with others, in fact, maybe everyone just had dinner a few times, but they will treat you as someone who has a deep friendship with him, and often ask you to help them do a lot of things they should do themselves . Especially men, they have to learn to reject these things in order to have time to spend with their wives and love them dearly.

Some people also think that others owe him, and you should do things for him. Therefore, if you do something for him, he will not appreciate you, but feel that you should do it. My colleague once received a consultation call from a girl who wanted to find our counselor for emotional counseling. My colleague told her that this is a paid service. She said to my colleague: "I don't know It’s so painful, why don’t you help me, but still charge me?” She only thinks about her feelings, not at all what she means by what she says.It's like saying to a restaurant owner: "I'm so hungry, why are you still charging me for my meal?"

She is an extreme case we have encountered, and she must have said such words when she was extremely depressed, but this represents a type of person, that is, people who often let others take responsibility for themselves. For such people, you need to learn Protect your boundaries from intrusion by rejecting them. I emphasize that you should protect yourself, not to teach you how to be a selfish person, but to enable you to be a person who is responsible for your own life, neither to frequently cross the boundary to invade others, nor to let others frequently invade your boundary. Protect yourself so that your emotions can always be in a calm state, and you will have more psychological resources to make yourself happy. If everyone in the world has done this, everyone will be happy.

But for helping others, we still have to do it, the premise is that you have such energy and ability, because it will not have too much impact on your life and work. Just like doing charity, we must do it, but we can't donate all our money, so that we have no place to live and no food to eat.Those philanthropists, when they help others, will never let their wives and children starve. If he makes his wife and children hungry to do charity, he will become the object of help, and he is not a qualified husband. And father, he will not be a happy person. When we help others, we must do it when your psychological resources allow it. If you are not busy at work, your life is easy, and you have a lot of time, then don’t say it is a friend asking for help, even if it is a stranger asking for help. , you can also help them, and you can even take the initiative to do some volunteer work so that you can help more people.