Chapter 30 Eliminate the "emotional button" and get rid of being controlled by others

Our subconscious will learn to determine under what circumstances we should be prompted, but it is this kind of psychological learning mechanism that sometimes creates trouble for us. I once had an experience like this: One day, I had a chat with a friend outside, and when I got home, my wife was very concerned about this matter. When she was free, she came to my desk and asked me: "What did you just say? what?" As soon as she finished saying this, I suddenly felt a fire of ignorance burst out of my heart, and I said loudly to her, "What's none of your business?" She was very angry when she heard it, and asked loudly, "Can't I care about you?"

At this time, I suddenly realized that it was not a problem for her to ask me, she was concerned about me, and I would be emotional about her concern, it must be my problem. And at the very moment of our conversation, a childhood experience flashed through my mind, probably due to my work in psychology, and I immediately realized that my current emotion may be related to this childhood experience. related to experience. When I was young, our house was about four kilometers away from my grandmother’s house. Because my mother’s legs and feet were inconvenient, she didn’t go back to her mother’s house for a long time. After I learned how to ride a bicycle, I could often go to Grandma's house.

At that time, there were no telephones or mobile phones, so my mother's understanding of the situation and information of my grandmother's family had to be passed on to me, my sister, and my brother. In my impression, after I came back from my grandma's house, my mother would often ask me very carefully, "What did my grandpa tell you?" (My grandpa is the eldest, he has two brother) I will repeat what my grandpa said to me. Sometimes when I say that my grandpa didn’t say anything to me, she will ask: “Didn’t you say anything?” Of course not, at least she will say “Come” to me, so, I need to repeat the words "coming" that my grandfather said to my mother.

After asking what my grandpa told me, my mother would ask, "What did my second grandpa tell you?" Then came: "What did the third grandpa tell you?" Then, what my grandmother said to me, what my aunt, uncle, and uncle said to me, I had to report to her. In this way, everything is reported. Usually, every relative of a dozen or so grandparents has to report to my mother what they say to me. Sometimes, just after reporting to my mother, I was thinking about going out to play with the children, and my father came back again, and he would ask me what he said just now, in the same format: "What did grandpa tell you?"

At that time, I was still a child and impatient, so I was very reluctant to answer these questions that my parents asked me in turn every time I came back from my grandfather’s house. Answering these questions was a painful experience for me. But since it was my parents who were asking, I had to answer or lose my temper, so I had no choice but to answer and suppress my annoyance. Over time, I developed a pattern: as soon as someone asks, "Who told you what?", I immediately get upset, and a kind of ignorance flares up. In fact, my ignorance towards my wife was caused by this experience in my childhood. When I was a child, I was upset when I answered "who told you what?" A conditioned reflex, once I hear someone ask me such a question, I will have upset emotions aroused.

And such conditioned reflexes are the emotional buttons that each of us has. Through these emotional buttons, others seem to be able to control us. As long as we touch the emotional buttons, we will have a fixed emotional response.