Chapter 28 Marriage is an art of compromise, not control

In the relationship of love, we are all adults, so when we want to control others, we must not be like a child, just making trouble for no reason, we must help ourselves with some standards of right and wrong, so that we can complete the control of others However, in fact, we don't even know that we are doing it, it all works subconsciously. Our desire to control will be put on a reasonable coat by us. These coats are the standards of right and wrong. We have a world that we think is right, and a set of standards that we think is right. What is internalized by society is the "right thing" we talked about in the first chapter.

Everyone has a set of correct standards, some people will ask themselves to do things according to this correct standard, and people with a strong desire for control will also ask others to do things according to this correct standard. When others do not meet their correct standards, People with a strong need for control tend to get emotional easily. At this time, these people are controlled by this emotion and make demands on others. When others continue to do things that do not follow their correct standards, they will lose their temper, which may hurt the relationship between the two. Just like that female student, she thought it was right to drink a glass of plain water in the morning, and it was wrong not to drink it. When her husband refused to drink it, she began to force him, and the quarrel between the two began.

She blindly emphasizes the right things, but ignores whether the other party is happy, and uses a set of correct standards to control her husband to do things that are not pleasant to him. correct. When people control others, they always feel that the right they emphasize is right, and others who do not follow this right will be wrong, and they are unwilling to make compromises. In fact, they ignore that there is no absolute right or wrong in many cases, and you can’t say it in love. right or wrong. Just this morning, I saw a news report from "Yangtze Evening News" on the Internet. The key word in the title was ""Where to celebrate the New Year" became the trigger for couples' divorce".

This is a young couple born in the 1980s. The husband's name is Chen Jun, and his wife's name is Zhu Xiaomin. The divorce petition was submitted by his wife Zhu Xiaomin.The complaint stated that the two were not in harmony, but after talking with Zhu Xiaomin, the judge who filed the case learned that the relationship between the young couple was actually okay. The biggest contradiction was that both of them were only children. So there is "discord". Zhu Xiaomin said that she is from Taizhou, Jiangsu, and her husband, Chen Jun, is from Yantai, Shandong. They are both only children.When it comes to falling in love, I don't think it will be a big problem who to go to for the New Year in the future, and I plan to "discuss it", but now there is no room for negotiation.

The Spring Festival of 2009 was also the first Spring Festival after marriage. According to the custom, Zhu Xiaomin accompanied Chen Jun back to her husband's house in Shandong to celebrate the New Year.On the way, Zhu Xiaomin told Chen Jun that it was the most fair to spend the first year at her in-law's house and the second year at her own home, because her parents would feel lonely if they were not with them.At that time, Chen Jun did not object, but when it came to the Spring Festival of 2010, he said that "it's shameful for a man to go to his wife's house for the New Year", and insisted on returning to Shandong for the New Year.In the end, Zhu Xiaomin compromised and agreed to spend New Year's Eve in Shandong and return to Taizhou early in the morning on New Year's Day.She never expected that Chen Jun would not agree to accompany her back to her natal home for the Spring Festival this year.After many quarrels, she thought that Chen Jun didn't love herself, let alone her family, so she decided to divorce.

For this, Chen Jun was also full of bitterness.He said that he is the only son in his family and the eldest grandson of the whole family. Shandong is a place where "patriarchy and patriarchy" are extremely strong. If he goes to his mother-in-law's natal home with his wife to celebrate the New Year, not only will his parents feel uncomfortable, but relatives and friends will also gossip.Considering that his wife has no brothers or sisters, he made a concession after discussing with his parents, hoping that both elderly people would go to Nanjing to celebrate the New Year, but the mother-in-law firmly disagreed.A few days after the Cold War, the wife filed a divorce petition, packed her things and returned to her natal home.

This young couple divorced in order to go to someone's house for the New Year. The husband thought that he could not celebrate the New Year at his mother-in-law's natal house, and the wife just wanted to go back to her natal house for the New Year. Who was right and who was wrong among the reasons they emphasized?I'm afraid even the judge can't tell clearly, because there are many things in the family that there is no way to tell who is right and who is wrong. There is no right and wrong in this world. People invented right and wrong. Whether it is morality or law, they are all invented by people to protect people to live better on this earth.

Morality and law are big right and wrong, it is easy to judge right and wrong, and people generally do not argue about these issues, but some small right and wrong in life are extremely easy to cause disagreements, just like this young couple want to get back to themselves It's the same as the New Year in my hometown. Right and wrong, both have premise goals, and there is no right and wrong without goals. The goals that everyone wants are not necessarily exactly the same. Therefore, in real life, apart from big right and wrong, everyone's right and wrong will have There are big differences, including between lovers, such as:

If you want to go south, going south is right, and going in other directions is almost always wrong. Although you can go south after going north and bypassing the North and South Poles, it is obviously the most stupid choice. If you are going to the north, it is wrong to go south, and it is right to go north. The reason why everyone's right and wrong standards are often different in life is because everyone wants different goals. The divorced couple reported in the previous news, why can't they argue who is right and who is wrong?Because the goals of the two are different, the goal of the wife is to fairly resolve the loneliness of her in-law’s and her parents’ parents. In the first year, she returns to her mother-in-law’s house for the Chinese New Year, but in the second year she has to go back to her mother-in-law’s house; while the husband’s goal is to abide by the local regulations in Shandong. Customs, so that relatives and friends will not gossip.Both of them are considering the problem from the perspective of their own goals, and they are unwilling to make compromises, so they feel that the other party is wrong.

When people control others, they usually ignore the goals that others want, thinking that the goals they care about are also the goals that the other party cares about. When their goals are different from the other party, they will feel that the other person is wrong. It's as if everyone has a ruler for measuring right and wrong, but everyone's measurement standards are different, and everyone thinks that the measurement by their own ruler is correct. In life, we can easily hear someone commenting on another person like this: "This person does not seek to make progress, only earns the salary of the unit every month, and does not think of ways to earn more money."

At first glance, we don't think there is anything wrong with such an evaluation, but we can apply what we said above that right and wrong have goals, and we can find the problem. In this comment, the goal is to earn more money, ignoring that some people want to pursue a mediocre life and don’t want to earn too much money.Is it only right to make more money?Is it wrong to live an ordinary life and be content with the status quo? Of course not. Some people’s happiness is based on more money, and some people can live happily even without more money. Don’t they have the right to live a mediocre and happy life?Of course there is. Therefore, in many cases, we just use our own right and wrong to control others. Once others do not meet our right and wrong standards, or others do not want to be controlled by us, we will get emotional. The biggest mistake is to take one's goal as what the other party wants, or to impose one's goal on others. In fact, in this case, you are also controlled by others, because what others do does not meet your standards, you get emotional, the switch of your emotions, and even the switch of happiness, are also in the hands of others, will you Your emotions and happiness are determined by others. As long as others don't do things in the way you think is right, your happiness will disappear. Marriage is an art of compromise. Husband and wife should always consider each other’s perspective. True love also needs to always consider each other’s needs. If a husband and wife want to live a happy life, they must learn to give up some of their own Standards and goals, move closer to each other, and help each other achieve some goals. After a long time, after both of them have compromised to a certain extent, they will stand in the same position. With a common goal, there will be less disputes in everything. , This is the state of marriage that many people want, but this state is the result of the two people's constant mutual compromise.