Chapter 17 Those capable of love do not "give"

In love, some people will be confused, thinking why they have worked so hard for so long and paid so much, but they can't get what they deserve? I have a student, the husband and wife both work in Beijing, and the child also goes to school in Beijing. Later, his unit had the opportunity to travel abroad for two years. The income can be much higher than that in China, but the work is more difficult. He thought that his son would need to spend a lot of money to study abroad in the future, so he might as well take this opportunity to earn more money, so he discussed with his wife, and when she disagreed, he stalked her to do her job. Finally, his wife had no choice but to agree .

The place where he was on a business trip was in Africa. The working environment was very harsh and the people were very hard. He thought to himself that it was all for the sake of his children and his family. No matter how hard it was, he had to endure it. Finally, after two years, I thought that my wife and children would be very happy to see him, but when he came back, I didn’t expect that because he was not at home for two years, although he brought back some money, the children were strangers to him, and his wife also treated him. There are great emotions and the two always quarrel. He didn't understand why he worked so hard outside for this family, but his family didn't appreciate it?

People who give for a long time but get nothing in return are full of resentment and easily discouraged. After a long time, they either gradually become no longer willing to give, or they no longer believe in love, and their feelings become more and more indifferent. The heart is full of love, and they give wholeheartedly, but in the end they still don't get the happiness they want. Some people are confused because they don't understand that people who have the ability to love never just give blindly. So how do they do it? This starts with the three levels of love: The first level of love: meeting your own needs.

Among the love that many people understand, some people will understand their own needs as love for others. When we judge whether a person is in love with another person, we often use the following situations as the basis. for example: I miss you, I think about you when I can't see you. Happy to see you, sad to not see you. I can't live without you, and I find that I'm in love with you! A person finds that the other person is in his mind all day long, he is him when he eats, he is him when he sleeps, he is not interested in doing anything, he only thinks about him, even his shadow in his dreams, we often say It's an expression of one person's love for another.

In fact, this is not love, it is just a psychological need for the other party, happy with the other party, painful without the other party, this shows that you need the other party to be happy, it only shows that the other party is someone who can meet your needs, it cannot prove you It is to love each other, because love is not just as simple as needing. This means that I am your painkiller, and I am your pistachio! Without me, you will suffer, with me, you will be happy! You don't love me, you need me! But this is the basis for many people to prove that they are in love with each other. If I must say that this is not love, many people will not be able to find out who they love.

Well, if we must say that this is love, then this is only the lowest form of love!or lower levels. Because this is essentially love for yourself, it is your own needs for the other party, and it is the hope that being with the other party can meet your own needs and make yourself happier. The second level of love: "self-righteous" giving. There is also a kind of love, which seems to love each other very much, but is actually giving "self-righteously" in essence. This kind of love is like this: I thought Western food was delicious, so I worked very hard to learn how to cook Western food, and cooked Western food for my lover every day. As a result, my lover never appreciated it, because my lover loves braised pork the most.

I think the drama is good, so I often take the other party to watch the drama, but the other party never appreciates it, because the other party prefers to watch movies. I think having a lot of money is very important, so I try my best to earn money, but my family doesn't appreciate it, because they want to be with me more. This kind of person is better than the former one. The former kind of person only loves himself. This kind of person has the desire to love the other party in his heart, and wants to do something for the other party, not just let the other party satisfy himself. It is something that you think is good, not from the perspective of the other party's needs. Therefore, you will never be appreciated by the other party, and the other party will not receive it at all. Such people usually come to a conclusion in the end: the other party does not appreciate it. His good intentions are regarded as "donkey liver and lung".

However, giving without considering the needs of the other party at all, in the eyes of the other party, isn't that "donkey liver and lung"?Even the other party will feel that such a person is selfish, because they like to eat western food, watch dramas, and they think it is better to make more money. Are they paying for the other party or satisfying themselves?Doing so is of course worthy of the other party's suspicion. The male student who went on a business trip to Africa mentioned above, isn’t that how he pays for his family?He thought that his family would love him more if he worked hard to earn more money. In fact, what his wife and children want in their hearts is that he lives with them, not earning more money. What he pays is not what the family wants. , of course the family will not appreciate it.

In fact, many people often do such things in our lives, and once I found myself doing some of these things. For a long time, in summer, if I buy fruit to go home, I like to buy watermelon, because I think watermelon is delicious, with thin skin and plenty of meat, which can quench heat and thirst, and the price is cheap. It is really the best fruit. One summer evening, when I came back from outside, I received a call from my wife, asking me to buy some fruit to go home. I bought a big watermelon at the gate of the community and took it home. Unexpectedly, as soon as I entered the house, my wife saw It's watermelon, so I'm not happy right away: "Watermelon, watermelon, when you buy fruit, it's watermelon, you selfish guy, you just like watermelon, do you know that I like strawberries?"

At this time, my son interjected: "Dad, I like to eat cherries!" At that moment, I realized what I was doing! I like to eat watermelon, so I think they also like to eat watermelon, so I often buy watermelon for them, I think I am giving love, but what they feel is my selfishness, this time, my wife and son give me watermelon After a lesson, I realized that we often love each other like this. Such people will often say a word: "Isn't it for your own good?" Look at this sentence, are you familiar with it? Yes, this is what your parents often say.Many parents sometimes use this method to love their children. They only care about what they think is right, regardless of whether the children like it or not. In school and work, everything requires their children to do what they think is right, ignoring their children. In essence, this is controlling children in the name of love.

Such people, their attention is still on themselves, just like when I buy a watermelon, I pay attention to the behavior of buying a watermelon. I think I have paid for it, and I love it, but I ignore whether my family likes it. In fact, this It's not loving the other party, it's falling in love with the act of "giving" itself, only paying attention to whether you have given, but not whether the other party likes it. This is not love either. If we must say that it is love, it is at most an intermediate form of love, which is higher than the satisfaction of our own needs mentioned above, but this is not enough, nor can we obtain happiness. The third level of love: meeting the needs of the other person. Self-satisfaction is not love, and self-righteousness is not true love. So, what kind of love can be regarded as true love?How do those who have the ability to love love? They love like this, in the film directed by Zhang Yimou: Jingqiu didn't have a sportswear in physical education class, so the third child quietly bought a sportswear. Jingqiu didn't have rubber shoes, so the third child quietly bought them. Jingqiu's mother needed rock sugar and walnuts for medical treatment, so the third child asked someone to bring rock sugar and walnuts... After watching this movie, I came out of the theater for a long time, and my heart was still deeply moved. I know that many people watched this movie and were deeply moved like me. What is it that moves us What about?Isn't it just the right contribution from the third child to Jingqiu? This is true love. Everything you do for the other party is based on the needs of the other party, not your own "self-righteousness". This kind of love is to meet the needs of the other party. It is to carefully observe what the other party needs and what needs, and then satisfy him. Sometimes it does not need to be very expensive, but it can deeply move the other party and make the other party feel deep love. . Once, a student at school asked me: "I spent a long time saving money and bought a necklace for my girlfriend, but she doesn't seem to be very moved. How should I treat her?" I knew her girlfriend was taking the postgraduate entrance examination, so I asked him: "What does your girlfriend need most now?" He said: "She is taking the postgraduate entrance examination, and she needs the most time and review materials for the postgraduate entrance examination!" I said, "Then you should know what to do?" He smiled and said, "I see!" That's it, true love is based on meeting the needs of the other party. This student, what her girlfriend needs most is time and information for the postgraduate entrance examination. He just gave the necklace because he thinks the other party will like it. If necessary, he should think about what he can do to help the other party save some time, or take the initiative to provide her with some materials for the postgraduate entrance examination. After I understand this truth, if I have the opportunity to buy fruit for my family, I will buy some fruits that my family likes to eat, such as strawberries or cherries, and my family members feel more happy because of this. This kind of love, its essence is to love each other, it is real love, and it is the advanced form of love. People with high ability to love love each other in this way. Only in this way can the other party deeply feel Only by seeing the existence of love can we be happier because of the existence of such love. Do you want to become a person with a high ability to love?Then don't give blindly, observe what your lover needs with your heart, and then go to meet it! three levels of love True love is premised on meeting the needs of the other person, unlike the lowest level of love that is premised on meeting one’s own needs, nor is it self-righteous like the middle-level love. On the surface, it is loving the other party, but in essence it is falling in love with the act of giving . When both of them satisfy their own needs, neither can feel the love from the other, and both feel that the other is selfish. How can such a love be happy? When two people love each other "self-righteously", all they feel is the other's "self-righteousness", and they cannot feel the other's love in their hearts, and such a love will not be happy. When two people love each other on the premise of satisfying each other's needs, a deep love will arise, and this kind of love can be reflected in every bit of life. for example: If you know what the other person likes to eat, you will often buy what! Know what kind of gift the other party likes, so often buy it for him! Know what kind of address the other party likes, so often call him that! Know what kind of caress your partner likes, and do it often! As long as you grasp the principle of meeting the needs of the other party, there are too many things that can be done. In the recently hit TV series "Golden Wedding Wind and Rain", there is this kind of love that meets each other's needs. Geng Zhi (played by Hu Jun) does not arrange work for people from his hometown, but for Schuman (played by Zhou Yun)'s sister And brother-in-law, busy to solve the problem of work implementation.Schumann also quietly helped the upright family members arrange work in the hospital, thinking and considering each other. Such a couple pays for each other, and pays on the premise of each other's needs. The contributions are easily received by the other party. Over time, both parties will store a lot of gratitude for each other in their hearts. In the love of this couple Among them, because more kindness has been added, such a relationship will become stronger and happier. So, want true love?Do you want to become a person with a high ability to love?Then always observe what the other party needs and satisfy the other party. At the same time, don't forget to tell the other party often: what you hope, what you like, and what you want, and also point out the direction for the other party to love you.