Chapter 13 Which is more important, "love" or "reason"

In love, we should talk about "love" and "feeling", and at home we should talk about "love" and "feeling". Isn't "reason" not important? To find out which is more important, love or reason, we still need to look at the research on human motivation in psychology. Psychology believes that people are motivated to do things, but in the final analysis, there are only two basic motivations for human beings to do things: do the right thing; Do something pleasant. All the things that human beings do fall within this range, either the right things or the pleasant things, or both the right and pleasant things, including things that people do while sleepwalking.

for example: Punching in at work is the right thing to do, not doing it is wrong and you will be punished; If you want to sing at night, it is a pleasant thing, and you will feel better after singing! In fact, the right thing and the pleasant thing correspond to our rationality and sensibility respectively. The right things are often governed by reason, the result of socialization, and belong to the superego. They are some social standards, and they are the value system in our brains, including right and wrong. We often put "should" in front of these things. These things often belong to the category of morality and law. They are to constrain people's behavior in this society. These standards are created to allow us to better communicate with other Friendly coexistence makes this society more harmonious, and all incorrect things may be harmful to others.

When a person is born, there are no right things in his head, only happy things. Children want to eat, play, sleep, want to be hugged by their mothers, and want to be carried by their fathers, all of which are happy things. The right thing is produced after the family and society continue to instill in us. This process is called "individual socialization" in psychology. Mom and Dad keep telling us that it is a good child to give toys to other children to play with, to wash your face and brush your teeth, to say hello to people, and they keep letting us know what is right through rewards or punishments Yes, something is not right.

In school, school is an important place to learn the right things. For example, it is right to learn from Lei Feng to do good deeds, but it is wrong to fight and swear. Earth forms in our minds. for example: We should take good care of the environment so that we human beings can live on this earth for a longer time; Every citizen should obey the law, so that the society will be more harmonious; Every couple should respect each other, so that the family will be better; Employees should protect the interests of the company so that the company can continue to develop. Different from the right things, pleasant things are dominated by our sensibility, our desires, some of our instincts, caused by evolution, and part of our id. They are our needs, and most of them are in our hearts.

Not doing pleasant things will make us uncomfortable and hurt ourselves. We often put "thinking" in front of these things. They are feelings, emotions, and desires. We are driven by these things, and doing these things makes us feel better. We are happy! for example: I want to eat. I'm sleepy. I want to go to the movies. I want to be with my lover. Always explaining "reason" to others is to ask the other party to do the "right thing", that is, to ask the other party to do the "happy thing" to oneself. For example: it is right for the other party to wash the dishes and clean up. That is to say, asking others to do these housework can actually be exchanged for not having to do it yourself, and you will be happy.

Love is originally a "happy thing". Home is the place where love is carried. At home, if there are too many rules and standards, it will make the other party unhappy, and the atmosphere at home will not be good. Home is a place for relaxation , Home is a place to enjoy life, home is a place to do pleasant things, starting a family is to make life happier, but if there are too many standards in the family in a love relationship, it will make people unhappy. Depressing. One of the important manifestations of those who do not have the ability to love is that they only reason about everything, right and wrong, and do not care whether others are happy or not!It is hard to be happy living with such a person.

A well-known school of psychology, the family therapy school, believes that many mental illnesses and mental illnesses are caused by family culture. The characteristics of these families are that there are too many standards, and the family atmosphere is rigid, lifeless and closed. of. It is indeed the same. Those families who have too many rules, only focus on whether they are correct, and pay less attention to happiness. The children they raise have a sense of heaviness after entering the society. What's more, they lack emotional intelligence. They either have high demands on themselves and always do the right thing, but are unhappy, or they have high demands on others and can always find out that others are wrong.

Esther and Jerry Hicks, authors of The Law of Attraction, write in their other book, The Amazing Power of Emotions: All the rules and punishments can't change people's hearts, they can only act on human beings from the outside, forcing human beings to hide what they want.But there are many things that are so powerful that they cannot be hidden, such as nature.Therefore, when things that are forced to hide accumulate to a certain extent and seek to explode, it is the time when disaster occurs. The rules, regulations and provisions they mentioned are the "right things" created by people to restrain people's instincts, and what is restrained is "pleasure". There is a limit to how people can bear these constraints. The bigger the constraints, the better. When the constraints are within the range that people can bear, they can make people noble in morality and good in character. When the constraints are too strict and harsh, people may become Mental or psychiatric illness can occur.

The society has given us a lot of standards, and work and life already have too much pressure. Therefore, at home, the place where love is carried, the place where we live, we should talk less about "correctness" and more about "rightness". More "happiness", less "reason" and more "love", so that everyone can be happy and relaxed at home instead of depression and pain. Also give love, which is originally a "happy thing", more pleasant space, and happiness must belong to you. Now, try asking yourself: What is the difference between what you want to eat and what you should eat?

What is the difference between wanting to be nice to a person and being nice to a person? What is the difference between wanting to work and should working?